# What would you do in this scenario?



## Owl (Feb 6, 2019)

Okay, first time posting in this section, it makes me nostalgic about the old Konoha Plaza (rip).

Anyway, let’s say you have an SO whom you’ve been living with for a while now. These last few months, money’s been tight for your SO because they wait tables at a restaurant. Anyway, you make a couple thousand dollars more a month than your SO, so you offered to pick up on the rent and utilities until the restaurant pick ups. You’ve been been doing that since November. You wouldn’t mind, right? Because you sometimes have to make sacrifices in able for the relationship to work out and have a future. But here’s the thing, when it comes to going out with their friends, shopping for new clothes, getting brunch and shit like that, your SO always have money! Like, where did that come from if you’re so broke? Isn’t it unfair? But your SO have rich friends, so you’ll understand that they have to save face and keep an appearance, right? You wouldn’t mind, would you? Let’s say you let it let it fly, until last Friday, the first, when rent’s due. You come home and pay your rent, then afterwards you go to your apartment thinking  you had the place to yourself, but guess what, you walked into your apartment and your loving SO is in the living room with shopping bags full of new clothes. What do you do? Do you call them out? Do you act stupid? What would you say? Okay, let’s say you chose to ignore it. Your SO tells you they’re hungry, AND, they tell you that they also don’t have money. Yeah, no shit? You must’ve spent a few hundred dollars on those new clothes. What the fuck did you expect? Anyway, you’re getting hungry, too. So you decided, why not, you’re in the mood for some French vegan food. You take your SO out for dinner at _Le Comptoir_. You two had a fantastic dinner and some wine. You forgot all about the poor financial decisions on your SO’s part. You go home, thinking you’re going to spend the rest of the night binge watching this show on Netflix called _You_. Yay, good life! But NOPE! Your SO’s friends invited them to a private loft party. What do you say? Would you finally crack and lash out? Do you tag along? Or do you just concede and accept your fate of watching Netflix alone on a Friday night because you already got partying out of your system when you puked in an uber ride a couple of years ago? Let’s say you chose the latter. Your SO goes out partying til 2am. You wake up the next morning, thinking to yourself, “Hey! I’m finally going to talk to them about this bullshit because this is unfair!” And then, and fucking then, first thing they tell you is that they’re going to Cancun at the end of next month! What. The. Fuck. How do you react? Well, there’s only one way to react, you freaking blew up. You ended up having an intense, long and drawn out fight. You tell them about the things you resent about them. You tell them about the annoyances and shit like that. And then you tell them about their stupid financial misadventures. Bam! Nail in the coffin! Your SO walks out, didn’t tell you where they were going. But you don’t care, because you’re pretty fucking pissed off, right? Who wouldn’t be? I would! Fuck that! Next day your SO comes home, their mouth shut and the atmosphere of your place is cloudy. Would you talk to them? Would you apologize? What? Let’s say you kept your pride up high and went on with the silent treatment you both are giving each other. I mean, you’re on the right, why would you apologize? Especially since you’ve been carrying their ass for the last 4 months. If there’s anyone that should approach first and apologize, it would be them. But then, today, you found out that they’re two fucking thousand dollars in debt! How would you react? What do you do?

Asking for a friend!


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## A Optimistic (Feb 6, 2019)

Tell your "friend" that he needs to learn what the word _paragraphs_ mean.


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## Owl (Feb 6, 2019)

He said he doesn’t care.


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## A Optimistic (Feb 6, 2019)

Alright then.

Well if I was in this scenario, I wouldn't let her live in my home without paying rent. I don't believe in anyone that's not my spouse/sibling/parent living with me without paying rent, this isn't an orphanage. Problem solved imo.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Owl (Feb 6, 2019)

Fair enough, but what if you’ve been together for a long time?


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## A Optimistic (Feb 6, 2019)

Length of time is irrelevent, if she wants to live together then she has to get a job and contribute. Why is she being a freeloader in 2019? I wouldn't even be picky about the job tbh, as long as she is making an effort to get some income and contributes to our rent.


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## Kitsune (Feb 6, 2019)

My advice is don’t be a doormat. End it now.


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## A Optimistic (Feb 6, 2019)

> These last few months, money’s been tight for your SO because they wait tables at a restaurant





> But here’s the thing, when it comes to going out with their friends, shopping for new clothes, getting brunch and shit like that, your SO always have money! Like, where did that come from if you’re so broke?





> you walked into your apartment and your loving SO is in the living room with shopping bags full of new clothes.





> Your SO goes out partying til 2am.





> Your SO walks out, didn’t tell you where they were going.



She's an escort.


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## Magic (Feb 6, 2019)

Bro can you uh structure this block of text better. I can't read this.


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## Djomla (Feb 6, 2019)

What's a SO?


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## Owl (Feb 6, 2019)

A Optimistic said:


> Length of time is irrelevent, if she wants to live together then she has to get a job and contribute. Why is she being a freeloader in 2019? I wouldn't even be picky about the job tbh, as long as she is making an effort to get some income and contributes to our rent.



A good Avalon post 

Jk, you’re a good man.

Yeah, that is true, but it’s wasn’t always like this. It was an equal partnership at first and the good times outweighs the bad times if money wasn’t involved. According to my friend.



Kitsune said:


> My advice is don’t be a doormat. End it now.



Like end it end it? No ultimatums whatsoever?



A Optimistic said:


> She's an escort.



Lol no.



Djomla said:


> What's a SO?



Significant other.



RemChu said:


> Bro can you uh structure this block of text better. I can't read this.



You’re lucky it’s not a big run-on sentence.


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## Yamato (Feb 6, 2019)

Djomla said:


> What's a SO?


Significant other


Also, I'd question my decision why I even dated her in the first place, get my money back, kick her out.
As A Optimistic said, person should be contributing.


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## Kitsune (Feb 6, 2019)

Owl said:


> Like end it end it? No ultimatums whatsoever?



Financial responsibility has always been a big deal to me. Spending within your means, building a good credit score and paying your bills on time are all indicators of this kind of person. Someone can be fairly poor and still do these things. The SO sounds like they don’t value any of this so it depends on what your friend really wants.


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## Moritsune (Feb 6, 2019)

I would end the relationship. I don't care how good looking a person is, or how long you've been with them, the inability/unwillingness to manage money properly is a turn off and a deal breaker. I can't stand all that materialistic shit, especially when people don't have the income to support it and just accumulate debt to pay for it all.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Catamount (Feb 6, 2019)

Owl said:


> But your SO have rich friends, so you’ll understand that they have to save face and keep an appearance, right?


Literally ends here for me, without even getting started. Like what the fuck is this shit


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## Skylar (Feb 6, 2019)

I understand your friend wants to be there for his SO but what is happening here is pretty clear. Sadly, she's taking advantage of him. She's "going through hardships" that make her unable to contribute in the house (which is understandable. Sometimes hard times hit) but the fact that she's doing nothing to change her circumstances, speaks to me that she's very comfortable with how things are, considering she has someone who is paying her bills while she lives her fullest life with her friends.

If she has time to go shopping and party with her homies, surely she has time to find another job or find a way to contribute in the household. From my perspective, she's irresponsible, inconsiderate and manipulative and unless those are qualities your friend is looking for in an relationship, he should kindly show her the door.

If you get in a relationship with someone who can't carry their own weight, then you did not enter a partnership, you pretty much adopted a child.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Cheeky (Feb 6, 2019)

TL;DR


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## Island (Feb 6, 2019)

Owl said:


> Anyway, let’s say you have an SO whom you’ve been living with for a while now. These last few months, money’s been tight for your SO because they wait tables at a restaurant. Anyway, you make a couple thousand dollars more a month than your SO, so you offered to pick up on the rent and utilities until the restaurant pick ups. You’ve been been doing that since November. You wouldn’t mind, right? Because you sometimes have to make sacrifices in able for the relationship to work out and have a future. But here’s the thing, when it comes to going out with their friends, shopping for new clothes, getting brunch and shit like that, your SO always have money! Like, where did that come from if you’re so broke? Isn’t it unfair? But your SO have rich friends, so you’ll understand that they have to save face and keep an appearance, right? You wouldn’t mind, would you? Let’s say you let it let it fly, until last Friday, the first, when rent’s due. You come home and pay your rent, then afterwards you go to your apartment thinking you had the place to yourself, but guess what, you walked into your apartment and your loving SO is in the living room with shopping bags full of new clothes.


If I'm in a relationship with somebody who I am financially supporting, we should have already had a long talk about finances.

That said, poor people are allowed to have nice things too. If somebody needs clothes, they need clothes. As long as they're not taking advantage of my generosity, there isn't a problem, and if I feel that they are, I have a mature discussion with them about it.



Owl said:


> You go home, thinking you’re going to spend the rest of the night binge watching this show on Netflix called _You_. Yay, good life! But NOPE! Your SO’s friends invited them to a private loft party. What do you say? Would you finally crack and lash out? Do you tag along? Or do you just concede and accept your fate of watching Netflix alone on a Friday night because you already got partying out of your system when you puked in an uber ride a couple of years ago? Let’s say you chose the latter. Your SO goes out partying til 2am. You wake up the next morning, thinking to yourself, “Hey! I’m finally going to talk to them about this bullshit because this is unfair!”


Why in the world would going to a party be a problem? Just because your friend gives their SO money doesn't mean they control their life.



Owl said:


> And then, and fucking then, first thing they tell you is that they’re going to Cancun at the end of next month! What. The. Fuck. How do you react?


This is a legitimate grievance.



Owl said:


> Well, there’s only one way to react, you freaking blew up.


No, this isn't the only way to react.

Your friend should have had a discussion about finances a long time ago, but he didn't. The past is the past, and now they're in their current situation. They're understandably angry, but at this point, they have two options: explode and make things worse or take a step back, figure out what they want to say, and have a mature conversation.



Owl said:


> But you don’t care, because you’re pretty fucking pissed off, right? Who wouldn’t be? I would! Fuck that! Next day your SO comes home, their mouth shut and the atmosphere of your place is cloudy. Would you talk to them? Would you apologize? What? Let’s say you kept your pride up high and went on with the silent treatment you both are giving each other. I mean, you’re on the right, why would you apologize? Especially since you’ve been carrying their ass for the last 4 months. If there’s anyone that should approach first and apologize, it would be them.


Both your friend and their SO are incredibly immature. Again, your friend has reason to be angry, but sitting around brooding about something as serious as this isn't the way to go.



Owl said:


> But then, today, you found out that they’re two fucking thousand dollars in debt! How would you react? What do you do?


Your friend should have asked about this before offering their SO money. There's no way around this: your friend is a dingus for giving out so much money without knowing the receiver's financial situation.

Reactions: Like 2


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## Jim (Feb 6, 2019)

It doesn't matter how much good times there were, finances trumps all when it comes to a relationship like that. When asked for money, your friend simply should always say that they don't have any to spare. Time passes, so if you can't live together anymore, end it. There's no shame in ending a relationship that doesn't work. It happens all the time.


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## White Wolf (Feb 6, 2019)

I think the logic of "sometimes you gotta sacrifice for love" is valid, but the very first time she brought in all this fancy shit while you're covering for the rent/bills is when the talk should've happened. Covering for your loved one(s) is fine if you're in a position to do so and they're in a worse position/need the help, but that whole sequence is just being the fool and the donkey simultaneously.

At this point, ending it seems to be the best option. They're clearly not responsible by any means if they threw themselves into debt for some worthless sense of self worth in the eyes of her "friends". The guy can do better as long as he doesn't repeat the same mistake again.


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## Raiden (Feb 6, 2019)

I would honestly seriously consider ending the relationship. I think there are a lot of red flags in this, especially the note you mentioned about Cancun, new clothes, and the loft party. It sounds like the person is pretty passive/insensitive to the sacrifices you have to make your end. It also sounds like the other person doesn't want to work, another big red flag. There were a lot of people in my college's city (Hartford, CT) who worked two jobs. The person should maybe talk to an employment agency about finding different work. But I personally think you've sacrificed enough; this sounds really rough.


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## Jim (Feb 6, 2019)

a lot of people keep saying similar things, but i don't really think it's right to judge so harshly without seeing both sides  

however, i would advise that you don't give money so freely unless it's family (non romantic). If you don't have money to throw away, don't throw it away.

Basically, i'm agreeing with everyone saying to end the relationship and most of the reasons why, but i'm not agreeing with how readily everyone is accepting the one sided story.


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## Fëanáro (Feb 6, 2019)

Jim said:


> Basically, i'm agreeing with everyone saying to end the relationship and most of the reasons why, but i'm not agreeing with how readily everyone is accepting the one sided story.


One could say that the one-sided story is also a reason to end the relationship, because if he sees things this way, it's pretty much doomed already. Lingering anger and resentment are poison to love.


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## Raiden (Feb 6, 2019)

Jim said:


> a lot of people keep saying similar things, but i don't really think it's right to judge so harshly without seeing both sides
> 
> however, i would advise that you don't give money so freely unless it's family (non romantic). If you don't have money to throw away, don't throw it away.
> 
> Basically, i'm agreeing with everyone saying to end the relationship and most of the reasons why, but i'm not agreeing with how readily everyone is* accepting the one sided story*.



It seems like the person is taking Owl completely for granted though. And Owl also expressed all of her concerns, and still nothing.


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## Jim (Feb 6, 2019)

Raiden said:


> It seems like the person is taking Owl completely for granted though. And Owl also expressed all of her concerns, and still nothing.


Perhaps, but in a relationship, you shouldn't expect things in return for nice things you do. The satisfaction of doing something good for your SO should be the reason you do something. It should not a payment with something in return, especially not in the short term.

Let's take this blob of text


Owl said:


> You take your SO out for dinner at _Le Comptoir_. You two had a fantastic dinner and some wine. You forgot all about the poor financial decisions on your SO’s part. You go home, thinking you’re going to spend the rest of the night binge watching this show on Netflix called _You_. Yay, good life! But NOPE! Your SO’s friends invited them to a private loft party. What do you say? Would you finally crack and lash out? Do you tag along? Or do you just concede and accept your fate of watching Netflix alone on a Friday night because you already got partying out of your system when you puked in an uber ride a couple of years ago?


This was also addressed by island above


Island said:


> Why in the world would going to a party be a problem? Just because your friend gives their SO money doesn't mean they control their life.



It does give a bit of insight as to how this person goes about and expects from relationships. A relationship isn't a tally of who did more for the other person. If this has been going on for quite some time, it may be the reason things ended up the way they did now. She may have accumulated as many positive points for owl's friend that she expected things in return.

I agree with what takaya said up there


Takaya said:


> One could say that the one-sided story is also a reason to end the relationship, because if he sees things this way, it's pretty much doomed already. Lingering anger and resentment are poison to love.



Also, a common question that's been popping up here is that "why didn't he bring it up before?"

In going to take a guess as to why, which is that he's accumulated so much of this relationship debt from the tally there both keeping that any time he tries to speak up, she unloads on him all of the sacrifices she's made and all the stuff she's done for him. It's possible that this whole situation is just her cashing in on all of her owed favors 

Just a guess though


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## StarlightAshley (Feb 10, 2019)

A Optimistic said:


> Alright then.
> Well if I was in this scenario, I wouldn't let her live in my home without paying rent. I don't believe in anyone that's not my spouse/sibling/parent living with me without paying rent, this isn't an orphanage. Problem solved imo.


Why are you being so mean? She's his significant other. How is being a long time girlfriend inferior to being a wife family member or close friend?


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## A Optimistic (Feb 10, 2019)

StarlightAshley said:


> or close friend?



I never said close friend.


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## A Optimistic (Feb 10, 2019)

And not wanting someone who's making zero effort to acquire source of income not want to live with you isn't mean.

Exception being my family/spouse though.


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## A Optimistic (Feb 10, 2019)

And in case it isn't clear to anyone else, there's a difference between someone making an effort to acquire a source of income and not succeeding (for whatever reason), and the freeloader in Owl's story.


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## StarlightAshley (Feb 10, 2019)

A Optimistic said:


> And in case it isn't clear to anyone else, there's a difference between someone making an effort to acquire a source of income and not succeeding (for whatever reason), and the freeloader in Owl's story.


But the problem with this comparison is, unlike a friend or a parent this isn't just a random person they know, who's down on their luck and needs somewhere to stay for a while. This is a potentially permanent cohabitation that's establishing, this is a person who if things go well is going to end up living together with Owl possibly for the rest of their lives. So why would you treat it as if he's doing someone a favor by letting them stay with him? Since when does a wife pay the husband rent to live in their house?


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## A Optimistic (Feb 10, 2019)

StarlightAshley said:


> Since when does a wife pay the husband rent to live in their house?



Didn't I say 50 times this isn't referring to someones wife?


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## Moritsune (Feb 10, 2019)

StarlightAshley said:


> But the problem with this comparison is, unlike a friend or a parent this isn't just a random person they know, who's down on their luck and needs somewhere to stay for a while. This is a potentially permanent cohabitation that's establishing, this is a person who if things go well is going to end up living together with Owl possibly for the rest of their lives. So why would you treat it as if he's doing someone a favor by letting them stay with him? Since when does a wife pay the husband rent to live in their house?


The issue here is that the significant other isn't contributing at all. If she's got the money for new clothes and expensive trips she should help out with utilities and rent before spending it on nonessential items.


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## StarlightAshley (Feb 10, 2019)

A Optimistic said:


> Didn't I say 50 times this isn't referring to someones wife?


Um no, but it is his wife to be, so how does that change the living arrangement exactly? Are you saying she should be paying him rent to live with him right up until he proposes? I'm pretty sure they didn't start living together out of the blue. They most likely were offered to live with Owl at some point, and I doubt they made any sort of landlord agreement like "OK SO, I want you to come move in with me, but if you want to live in my house these are the utilities you're responsible for paying for and this will be your rent and Ill need a down payment..." She's not his tenant, she's someone hes in love with and wanted to take care of.



Moritsune said:


> The issue here is that the significant other isn't contributing at all. If she's got the money for new clothes and expensive trips she should help out with utilities and rent before spending it on nonessential items.


But that's the thing I don't think she does have the money. The fact that she's in debt implies that she really is struggling with money and she has a compulsive shopping disorder. I think if she really did have excess money and he asked for her her to pay her share of whatever, she would feel morally compelled to. I'm assuming that's not the case, and she really is having trouble staying above water debt wise, but keeps falling back into her excessive spending problems. I sincerely doubt this conscious desire on her part.


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## Moritsune (Feb 10, 2019)

StarlightAshley said:


> Um no, but it is his wife to be, so how does that change the living arrangement exactly? Are you saying she should be paying him rent to live with him right up until he proposes? I'm pretty sure they didn't start living together out of the blue. They most likely were offered to live with Owl at some point, and I doubt they made any sort of landlord agreement like "OK SO, I want you to come move in with me, but if you want to live in my house these are the utilities you're responsible for paying for and this will be your rent and Ill need a down payment..." She's not his tenant, she's someone hes in love with and wanted to take care of.
> 
> 
> But that's the thing I don't think she does have the money. The fact that she's in debt implies that she really is struggling with money and she has a compulsive shopping disorder. I think if she really did have excess money and he asked for her her to pay her share of whatever, she would feel morally compelled to. I'm assuming that's not the case, and she really is having trouble staying above water debt wise, but keeps falling back into her excessive spending problems. I sincerely doubt this conscious desire on her part.


Poor financial management being a deal breaker isn't outrageous. Racking up debt with unnecessary expenses is grievous enough for me personally to end a relationship regardless of length of time we'd been together, especially if they're accumulating debt and not contributing.


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## StarlightAshley (Feb 10, 2019)

Moritsune said:


> Poor financial management being a deal breaker isn't outrageous. Racking up debt with unnecessary expenses is grievous enough for me personally to end a relationship regardless of length of time we'd been together, especially if they're accumulating debt and not contributing.


I mean to be fair 2000 dollars in debt is pretty minor. It's not exactly life ruining..

Also it seems kind of shallow to leave someone because they have financial issues. If you cared about them enough, you would at least try to support them in working through their problems. I mean you could say "That's their problem not mine." But relationships are meant to be partnerships. Your problems are each other's problems.


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## Moritsune (Feb 10, 2019)

StarlightAshley said:


> I mean to be fair 2000 dollars in debt is pretty minor. It's not exactly life ruining..
> 
> Also it seems kind of shallow to leave someone because they have financial issues. If you cared about them enough, you would at least try to support them in working through their problems. I mean you could say "That's their problem now mine." But relationships are meant to be partnerships. Your problems are each other's problems.


If you're in the middle of a lake in a rowboat and your partner is there with a bucket pouring water into the boat it's probably a good idea to throw them overboard. $2k may not be a debilitating amount of debt, but the poor spending habits that led to that accumulation are worrying at best. Nobody has the obligation to stick by someone who is actively participating in detrimental behavior.


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## Skylar (Feb 10, 2019)

StarlightAshley said:


> I mean to be fair 2000 dollars in debt is pretty minor. It's not exactly life ruining..
> 
> Also it seems kind of shallow to leave someone because they have financial issues. If you cared about them enough, you would at least try to support them in working through their problems. I mean you could say "That's their problem now mine." But relationships are meant to be partnerships. Your problems are each other's problems.



I understand your feelings. I'm naturally very generous and supportive so whoever is my SO can bet I'd have his back for whatever  time necessary if he's going through a rough patch. However, I must say, you're confusing circumstances with the overall mentality of the person in question. The advise to end the relationship is not based on her financial difficulties but more so in the applications she's doing (or not doing) in the relationship. She's not even trying.

Let's say, for example, Owl's friend makes it long term with this person and they have a family. Those kids are not going to wait for their parents to get a job or to get out of debt to supply for their needs. No, they have to be fed, clothed, educated and provided for every day regardless of their financial circumstances. You need someone by your side who knows what the word _responsibility_ means. How can you trust someone to carry a  family  with you when they can't even carry themselves?.

This person Owl's friend is with, is completely unreliable. She's someone that, if I were a man, I wouldn't trust my legacy with.

You cannot and should not sympathize with people to your own detriment.


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## StarlightAshley (Feb 10, 2019)

Moritsune said:


> If you're in the middle of a lake in a rowboat and your partner is there with a bucket pouring water into the boat it's probably a good idea to throw them overboard. $2k may not be a debilitating amount of debt, but the poor spending habits that led to that accumulation are worrying at best. Nobody has the obligation to stick by someone who is actively participating in detrimental behavior.


Ok yes that situation would be unfair, but I feel like you're not giving the other person proper credit. Your example implies she offers absolutely nothing to the guy. Which almost certainly not the case, sure she may be a detriment financially, but in my probably over idealistic view of relationships, he doesn't love her because of her wealth, he loves her because of herself, and no matter what faults she may have, she still has the traits he fell in love to begin with. Getting rid of her entirely because a character flaw pops up is like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. 



Tendou Izumi said:


> I understand your feelings. I'm naturally very generous and supportive so my SO can bet I'd have his back for whatever  time necessary if he's going through a rough patch. However, I must say, you're confusing circumstances with the overall mentality of the person in question. The advise to end the relationship is not based on her financial difficulties but more so in the applications she's doing (or not doing) in the relationship. She's not even trying.
> 
> Let's say, for example, Owl's friend makes it long term with this person and they have a family. Those kids are not going to wait for their parents to get a job or to get out of debt to supply for their needs. No, they have to be fed, clothed, educated and provided for every day regardless of their financial circumstances. You need someone by your side who knows what the word _responsibility_ means. How can you trust someone to carry a  family  with you when they can't even carry themselves?.
> 
> ...


I agree being irresponsible with money is a really bad trait for a mother to have, but I think this situation is way too premature to call it off yet. It's making the assumption that she has no hope of changing her situation and is too far gone, even though this problem seems to have just started. I think it's very possible for the guy in this situation to make them aware of the issue and steer them back in the right direction. For him to leave now just because he sees things going bad, would be for him to not really care what happens to her, as long as he isn't going to be around to see it.


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## Moritsune (Feb 10, 2019)

StarlightAshley said:


> Ok yes that situation would be unfair, but I feel like you're not giving the other person proper credit. Your example implies she offers absolutely nothing to the guy. Which almost certainly not the case, sure she may be a detriment financially, but in my probably over idealistic view of relationships, he doesn't love her because of her wealth, he loves her because of herself, and no matter what faults she may have, she still has the traits he fell in love to begin with. Getting rid of her entirely because a character flaw pops up is like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
> 
> 
> I agree being irresponsible with money is a really bad trait for a mother to have, but I think this situation is way too premature to call it off yet. It's making the assumption that she has no hope of changing her situation and is too far gone, even though this problem seems to have just started. I think it's very possible for the guy in this situation to make them aware of the issue and steer them back in the right direction. For him to leave now just because he sees things going bad, would be for him to not really care what happens to her, as long as he isn't going to be around to see it.


I get where you're coming from, but you're being too idealistic. If she can freely increase her debt with that kind of stuff and completely ignores her significant other's struggles her personality isn't worth sticking around for. She's clearly a selfish individual, and the odds of her changing aren't good if she saw no problem to begin with.


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## Jim (Feb 10, 2019)

I still think this story is too one sided to be so judgmental


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## Moritsune (Feb 10, 2019)

Jim said:


> I still think this story is too one sided to be so judgmental


Even if just the base information (her not contributing toward bills and racking up debt on unnecessary purchases) is true then it's more than enough to judge the situation. Regardless, all you can ever do is judge a situation based on the information provided, we're not omniscient.


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## Jim (Feb 10, 2019)

Moritsune said:


> Even if just the base information (her not contributing toward bills and racking up debt on unnecessary purchases) is true then it's more than enough to judge the situation. Regardless, all you can ever do is judge a situation based on the information provided, we're not omniscient.


see my previous response here


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## Moritsune (Feb 10, 2019)

Jim said:


> see my previous response here


I read it before....

You literally say it's all just a guess, so rather than pay attention to the information that was presented you went through the trouble of creating a narrative based solely upon your own imagination. Regardless of whether or not the information is accurate in this instance, the question should be answered as if you were in the situation presented, not to try to circumvent the circumstances.

Edit: Not to suggest that you can't offer another point of view, but you made assumptions in the complete opposite direction and made claims against the person in this situation and then complained that everybody was judging the female in the scenario using too little information.


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## Jim (Feb 10, 2019)

Moritsune said:


> I read it before....
> 
> You literally say it's all just a guess, so rather than pay attention to the information that was presented you went through the trouble of creating a narrative based solely upon your own imagination. Regardless of whether or not the information is accurate in this instance, the question should be answered as if you were in the situation presented, not to try to circumvent the circumstances.
> 
> Edit: Not to suggest that you can't offer another point of view, but you made assumptions in the complete opposite direction and made claims against the person in this situation and then complained that everybody was judging the female in the scenario using too little information.


No, i talked about how that's not how a relationship should work. On top of that, why is the top complaint simply attention seeking rather than the financial? It gives quite a bit of perspective on how "dire" the situation really is.

i did pay attention to the information presented. If she had paid full attention to him, and still thrown out perhaps even twice as much money still, this entire situation would have been a non issue because he'd be more than content.


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## Moritsune (Feb 10, 2019)

Jim said:


> No, i talked about how that's not how a relationship should work. On top of that, why is the top complaint simply attention seeking rather than the financial? It gives quite a bit of perspective on how "dire" the situation really is.
> 
> i did pay attention to the information presented. If she had paid full attention to him, and still thrown out perhaps even twice as much money still, this entire situation would have been a non issue because he'd be more than content.


You read it completely differently than I did. My understanding is that the primary stressor in this situation is financial (him supporting her while she's making wild purchases and the like). If I were to just change that fact from the story (i.e. she now contributes financially and is not overspending), the parties and being lined up for the trip don't bring the OP to the point of blowing up at them. Conversely, if the SO were to stay in but still overspend while not contributing, the argument may be delayed, but would have still been inevitable.

Also, it may not be how relationships should work, but that's the world we live in, it's never going to be ideal or perfect.


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## Jim (Feb 10, 2019)

Moritsune said:


> You read it completely differently than I did. My understanding is that the primary stressor in this situation is financial (him supporting her while she's making wild purchases and the like). If I were to just change that fact from the story (i.e. she now contributes financially and is not overspending), the parties and being lined up for the trip don't bring the OP to the point of blowing up at them. Conversely, if the SO were to stay in but still overspend while not contributing, the argument may be delayed, but would have still been inevitable.
> 
> Also, it may not be how relationships should work, but that's the world we live in, it's never going to be ideal or perfect.


i read it completely differently probably because i saw how much he emphasized attention over finances.

i mean look at this part of the rant


Owl said:


> So you decided, why not, you’re in the mood for some French vegan food. You take your SO out for dinner at _Le Comptoir_. You two had a fantastic dinner and some wine. You forgot all about the poor financial decisions on your SO’s part. You go home, thinking you’re going to spend the rest of the night binge watching this show on Netflix called _You_. Yay, good life! But NOPE! Your SO’s friends invited them to a private loft party. What do you say? Would you finally crack and lash out? Do you tag along? Or do you just concede and accept your fate of watching Netflix alone on a Friday night because you already got partying out of your system when you puked in an uber ride a couple of years ago? Let’s say you chose the latter. Your SO goes out partying til 2am. You wake up the next morning, thinking to yourself, “Hey! I’m finally going to talk to them about this bullshit because this is unfair!” And then, and fucking then, first thing they tell you is that they’re going to Cancun at the end of next month! What. The. Fuck. How do you react? Well, there’s only one way to react, you freaking blew up.



what does this say? I paid for your attention so give it to me.

he's far FAR more upset that he didn't get her attention than some finances. You'll also notice nowhere in the whole rant that he actually asked her about the fiances until he blew up on her about the attention bit (at the very end), which of course she just walked out on him without saying anything. Instead however, he does mention many places how he asks her for attention , but only the few times she had made previous plans.

this financial crisis he's touting is just something he wants validation from us for so that he can feel more confident in his argument that he deserves the time he paid for.


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## Moritsune (Feb 10, 2019)

Jim said:


> i read it completely differently probably because i saw how much he emphasized attention over finances.
> 
> i mean look at this part of the rant
> 
> ...


Maybe, but it seems to be the finances that get him heated each time. Sure, he may want more attention, but each time anything is brought into a negative light it is directly related to finances. It can be exhausting to have that financial pressure put on you (even though he offered), and that's what ultimately led to the argument. 

Regardless, I guess we can agree to disagree on this one, but the financial aspect seems much more prominent to me.


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## A Optimistic (Feb 10, 2019)

Pretty much agree with everything Moritsune is saying. I find it very bizarre to see multiple replies making assumptions about the girlfriend that weren't included in the OP. We don't know this girl, therefore all we should go off is based on the info Owl provided, not randomly start speculating stuff.


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## StarlightAshley (Feb 10, 2019)

Moritsune said:


> I would end the relationship. I don't care how good looking a person is, or how long you've been with them, the inability/unwillingness to manage money properly is a turn off and a deal breaker. I can't stand all that materialistic shit, especially when people don't have the income to support it and just accumulate debt to pay for it all.





Kitsune said:


> Financial responsibility has always been a big deal to me. Spending within your means, building a good credit score and paying your bills on time are all indicators of this kind of person. Someone can be fairly poor and still do these things. The SO sounds like they don’t value any of this so it depends on what your friend really wants.



I don't get you guys? You make it sound like your biggest turn on is financial stability?? Are you like the male equivalent of gold diggers or something??? I don't even relate to this girl, I have literally no money and I'm still very careful with my spending and credit, it's an easy thing to do, and so it won't be a hard thing for her to learn. You guys act like the fact that she got carried away with her money is the most ugly and disgusting thing a person could ever do and the guy would be a fool to ever date someone who does something so repulsive as max her credit cards and not have enough money to help her boyfriend with his bills one time. 
I mean 


Catamount said:


> Literally ends here for me, without even getting started. Like what the fuck is this shit


Ok so she has rich friends who she needs to act rich with in order for them to keep liking her. Again this isn't something I relate to, I don't try to fit in with people which is why I'm so alone...



..but even so, it's totally understandable to me that some people would have good reason to want to keep certain connections in their life and if she feels it's important for her to keep her rich friends, then of course she'll do what she can to fit in with them. I don't think that' s an immediate reason to write her off as a bad person!


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## StarlightAshley (Feb 10, 2019)

A Optimistic said:


> Pretty much agree with everything Moritsune is saying. I find it very bizarre to see multiple replies making assumptions about the girlfriend that weren't included in the OP. We don't know this girl, therefore all we should go off is based on the info Owl provided, not randomly start speculating stuff.


I haven't speculated anything not said about her. She doesn't make a lot of money, got carried away spending a few times a fell a bit into debt, and couldn't help her boyfriend pay bills. It's not like she asked him to buy her things or got him into debt for her. I don't understand why this is means to end the relationship, it's a relatively minor grievance. People are literally acting as if she cheated on him LOL


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## A Optimistic (Feb 10, 2019)

I'm starting to think Starlight Ashley is the girl in the opening post.


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## Jim (Feb 10, 2019)

A Optimistic said:


> Pretty much agree with everything Moritsune is saying. I find it very bizarre to see multiple replies making assumptions about the girlfriend that weren't included in the OP. We don't know this girl, therefore all we should go off is based on the info Owl provided, not randomly start speculating stuff.


i don't really see it as speculation when the primary complaint is the lack of attention rather than finances.


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## Moritsune (Feb 11, 2019)

StarlightAshley said:


> I don't get you guys? You make it sound like your biggest turn on is financial stability?? Are you like the male equivalent of gold diggers or something??? I don't even relate to this girl, I have literally no money and I'm still very careful with my spending and credit, it's an easy thing to do, and so it won't be a hard thing for her to learn. You guys act like the fact that she got carried away with her money is the most ugly and disgusting thing a person could ever do and the guy would be a fool to ever date someone who does something so repulsive as max her credit cards and not have enough money to help her boyfriend with his bills one time.
> I mean


Their bills*

The issue here is that she's prioritizing the purchase of material goods over carrying her share of the burden. It's also not a one time thing, she's been supported for months at this point and sees no problem wasting money and getting into debt. Financial responsibility is very important, and people who leisurely throw themselves into debt usually can't learn to be responsible easily, it's a definite turn off and deal breaker for me if someone poorly manages their finances.



> Ok so she has rich friends who she needs to act rich with in order for them to keep liking her. Again this isn't something I relate to, I don't try to fit in with people which is why I'm so alone...
> 
> 
> 
> ..but even so, it's totally understandable to me that some people would have good reason to want to keep certain connections in their life and if she feels it's important for her to keep her rich friends, then of course she'll do what she can to fit in with them. I don't think that' s an immediate reason to write her off as a bad person!


Getting into debt to keep up appearances is narcissistic and extremely worrying behavior.


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## Dark Wanderer (Feb 11, 2019)

The girl sounds extremely irresponsible to me and is prioritizing the wrong things. I have debts to pay too but I can still contribute to my household, work two jobs, pick up overtime, ect.

Reactions: Like 2


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## StarlightAshley (Feb 11, 2019)

Moritsune said:


> Financial responsibility is very important, and people who leisurely throw themselves into debt usually can't learn to be responsible easily, it's a definite turn off and deal breaker for me if someone poorly manages their finances.



OMG is this you irl?!? 



Moritsune said:


> Getting into debt to keep up appearances is narcissistic and extremely worrying behavior.



As someone who has been ostracized by friend groups before I can completely understand why someone would go to great lengths to keep up with the status quo of their group. If her rich shallow friends keep buying and showing off new clothes and she starts becoming the odd one out it won't be long until they start looking down on her or talking badly behind her back. That's just how girls can be, and it doesn't make her a narcissist to play the game she has to play to keep them appeased with her. 



Dark Wanderer said:


> I have debts to pay too but I can still contribute to my household, work two jobs, pick up overtime, ect.


Well you're clearly a  person, and maybe she isn't. It's a personality type that allows certain people to be able to work so much. You can't expect everyone to have the same qualities. She may have a more carefree personality and so it just isn't realistically an option for her to be able to sacrifice all her free time working and remain mentally content. 

By the way what's with all of you guys expecting the girl to pay your bills, when did the gender roles reverse?

Reactions: Like 1


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## Jim (Feb 11, 2019)

Dark Wanderer said:


> The girl sounds extremely irresponsible to me and is prioritizing the wrong things. I have debts to pay too but I can still contribute to my household, work two jobs, pick up overtime, ect.


it's suspicious that he never brought it up with her though . 
Perhaps if he brought it up even once with her, they would have worked it out.

But instead he comes to forums for validation


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## Jim (Feb 11, 2019)

speaking of speculation, since he has no idea how she got those new clothes or could afford to eat out without money, it's speculation to assume she paid for all of that. It could easily be any number of ways, such as kind friends or family offering to buy them or maybe they were even used clothes. Can't speculate after all 
Basically, it's speculation to assume she's wasting money.

However, we know he didn't ask her where she got them, because the OP doesn't say it did, unless you _speculate_ that he did. Given the way he actually asked her though (as said in the post only at the very end), it's doubtful.

Does she even know that he was having trouble financially? Can't speculate the answer to that.


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## Kitsune (Feb 12, 2019)

StarlightAshley said:


> As someone who has been ostracized by friend groups before I can completely understand why someone would go to great lengths to keep up with the status quo of their group. If her rich shallow friends keep buying and showing off new clothes and she starts becoming the odd one out it won't be long until they start looking down on her or talking badly behind her back. That's just how girls can be, and it doesn't make her a narcissist to play the game she has to play to keep them appeased with her.



This is heartbreaking to read. Sounds like they’re not true friends and not worth appeasing.


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## Owl (Apr 13, 2019)

UPDATE: We broke up a month ago.


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## Velvet (Apr 13, 2019)

Owl said:


> UPDATE: We broke up a month ago.


 
*How do you feel?*


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## Fëanáro (Apr 14, 2019)

Owl said:


> UPDATE: We broke up a month ago.


Oh, you mean you and your friend? That's tragic.


Owl said:


> Asking for a friend!


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## Owl (Apr 14, 2019)

Velvet said:


> *How do you feel?*



Drunk off wine and listening to 60s French pop songs. And broken



Takaya said:


> Oh, you mean you and your friend? That's tragic.



This was about me, tbh.


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## Velvet (Apr 14, 2019)

Owl said:


> Drunk off wine and listening to 60s French pop songs. And broken





*It will be like that for a bit but everything will be alright~*


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## Fëanáro (Apr 14, 2019)

Owl said:


> This was about me, tbh.


I know, it just struck me as a little funny.

In any case if you were unhappy enough to post those things, then even though this is painful right now, things are bound to improve for you.


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## Worm Juice (Apr 14, 2019)

How did you tell her to leave? Like what did she do when you said you weren’t paying rent anymore. 

I am in a slightly different situation, I am still paying part of the rent for the appartement my ex is living in.


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## The Gr8 Destroyer (Apr 14, 2019)

How often do they put out? Are they rock stars in the sack. If the answers to these are "a lot" and "yes" then they probably think they are working off the debt.

Now if the answer is "never" and "don't know" then I hate to tell you they were never an SO and you have been friend-zoned this entire time.


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## Owl (Apr 14, 2019)

Worm Juice said:


> How did you tell her to leave? Like what did she do when you said you weren’t paying rent anymore.



Around late February I started looking for a new apartment by the beach. I told her about it and said she could take over the lease but she'll have to pay for it. She moved out early March when I got the place and I moved into my new place at the beginning of this month.



> I am in a slightly different situation, I am still paying part of the rent for the appartement my ex is living in.



Wait, why?


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## Worm Juice (Apr 14, 2019)

I just can’t handle being responsible for someone elses misery even if it’s not really my fault.

Idk who you were talking to gr8 destroyer. Was it to me?


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