# FlashFiction Contest Rating Thread



## Tyrael (Nov 4, 2008)

Here's my idea:

Each week feedback is given in very much a static way, pieces are never really discussed nor probed to a great depth mostly. If we have a second thread for feedback on the pieces and discussion then it could potentially give the contest and feedback idea a boost. It means that the actual FF thread can't have any non-entrant posts.

If this thread works this *week* then we can make it a permanent fixture of the flashfic contest. Anyone got any objections?


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## Garfield (Nov 4, 2008)

Sweet. Got it to sticky and everything. That might garner it more attention methinks.


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## Tyrael (Nov 4, 2008)

Indeed-I guess that means my plan has been approved.

 I'll try and have my FF done soon-ish to give us something to talk about too.


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## Garfield (Nov 4, 2008)

Too fast your fingers be mate.
Mine will be here sometime Thursday if done well.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Nov 4, 2008)

I will actually try something this time...no promises gais.


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## Buskuv (Nov 4, 2008)

This thread is so avant-garde


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## Garfield (Nov 4, 2008)

I'm thinking about changing pic to the third one and going emo in the piece. Wonder how I should make it.


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## Tyrael (Nov 7, 2008)

hump-de-bump 

Got mine done, c'mon people. What's a'body think?


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## The Bloody Nine (Nov 8, 2008)

I will come back with some constructive feedback when its not 2 in the morning, i'm just glad i you mentioned it was a railway in your post. I thought they where stairs leading up into a mysterious mountainous forest. 

Actually i'm not glad' my interpretation was so much cooler.


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## Tyrael (Nov 10, 2008)

Dammit BK, I have no idea how you're getting better-yet somehow you manage.


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## Buskuv (Nov 10, 2008)

BAHAHAHA

I don't know, either.

I found yours fantastic, though.  I will wait until more people (hopefully) enter until I give my complete thoughts, or so I think, but I rather liked yours.  I await the rest.


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## Tyrael (Nov 11, 2008)

I'm a bit slow at the moment: I reckon I'm going to have to read Am's entry a third time.


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## Garfield (Nov 11, 2008)

My essay should be up in next hour. Finally getting some free time this week.


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## Amnesia (Nov 11, 2008)

Tyrael said:


> I'm a bit slow at the moment: I reckon I'm going to have to read Am's entry a third time.



I doubt it. =P It's jumbled enough as is.  

But really like yours and Boskov's take on the theme(s?). Hope to catch yours up later tonight, CX.


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## Tyrael (Nov 11, 2008)

Let the analysis start, now that we've got 3 entries. Should we pick apart one at a time or just throw out random comments?


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## Buskuv (Nov 11, 2008)

CX, yours had better be up before the deadline -- or else.

We're very strict on timeframes in the LD, so don't play with fire.  Dream Brother is a real hard ass.


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## Tyrael (Nov 11, 2008)

I remember the last person who entered late. 

I had to sleep for two days afterward with the light on.


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## Dream Brother (Nov 11, 2008)

Oh yes.

Someone actually captured one of my more memorable interactions with an undisciplined LD member here:

[YOUTUBE]yFdrYxYIdDI[/YOUTUBE]


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## Tyrael (Nov 11, 2008)

Pfft, you clearly held back 'cause they were little girls. Unlike us tough manly LDers.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Nov 11, 2008)

I entered, for some reason.


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## Tyrael (Nov 11, 2008)

My initial thoughts on your piece CTK:

I liked the use of language and syntax, added a real tension and darkness and nostalgia to the piece. The present tense added to this also.

It kinda was a bit off-target with your story though, perhaps communicating an inappropriate atmosphere considering the act. I think it would have been better if it was more intense, then the cold, creepy overtones could be factored in more subtly. It would have meant that the act was the focus and the idea of him constantly looking over his shoulder would be felt more; the idea of the tone being intense yet iwth a creepiness hanging over it would echo the story in fact. Also, the sardonic end kind of felt a bit broken-not really in key with the rest of the piece.

Overall I enjoyed it though.


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## Garfield (Nov 11, 2008)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> CX, yours had better be up before the deadline -- or else.
> 
> We're very strict on timeframes in the LD, so don't play with fire.  Dream Brother is a real hard ass.


I have still 4 hours right?


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## Tyrael (Nov 11, 2008)

CX said:


> I have still 4 hours right?



Here, you -1 hour. And our mod lives in my timezone.


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## Buskuv (Nov 11, 2008)

CX said:


> I have still 4 hours right?



And counting.


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## Garfield (Nov 11, 2008)

brb, building Time machine.

EDIT: FF is up. Done in about 15 minutes. I've tried a slightly different approach this time.


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## Tyrael (Nov 11, 2008)

Your tentativeness was misplaced CX, it's possibly the best thing we've got from you.


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## Garfield (Nov 11, 2008)

Thanks a lot man, I'm glad I'm improving.


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## Tyrael (Nov 11, 2008)

I would give it a crit. but at the rate I'm going I'll be up all night with this essay. Try to get some discussion going about any/all of the pieces.


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## Garfield (Nov 11, 2008)

I'll try my best. Gotta finish this assignment too first.

You'll be rating it though right?


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## Tyrael (Nov 11, 2008)

I got the idea that when ratings come around we'll have went over a crits. and with the ratings only need to post a small summary of our thoughts. But yeah, ratings are still here.


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## Garfield (Nov 11, 2008)

I see.
I'm wishing for a piece from Anon, Sel and Dream Brother. More if possible. It would be nice if sometime many more people like Tiger the Disleksik, Del, Troublesum chan, etc. contributed also. Feels awesome going up against good writers.


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## Tyrael (Nov 12, 2008)

DB and sel, I know, might have ones in the works, and anon probably will. I'm giving them a three day extension for the moment.


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## Pan-on (Nov 12, 2008)

If we actually implemented the time limit i think Tyrael would probably be at least top 2 every week.

should have it up later tonight


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## Garfield (Nov 12, 2008)

Oh hey Anon.
Which pic are you doing on?


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## Pan-on (Nov 12, 2008)

im not sure, either the house or the train track

for a little background knowledge iv been to the place all the pictures are from a lot and have a lot of memories there. When I was very young some people told me what was basically the plot of friday the 13th but told me it happend in the place we were, i was terrified for days.


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## Shawny (Nov 12, 2008)

Tyrael said:


> DB and sel, I know, might have ones in the works, and anon probably will. I'm giving them a three day extension for the moment.



Thank you for extending the deadline!  I missed the original deadline because I was too busy.  I was kind of bummed.  And then I saw that I could still enter!  

I just posted mine.  I'll wait until after the 14th to provide critiques.


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## Tyrael (Nov 13, 2008)

Shawny said:


> Thank you for extending the deadline!  I missed the original deadline because I was too busy.  I was kind of bummed.  And then I saw that I could still enter!
> 
> I just posted mine.  I'll wait until after the 14th to provide critiques.



Nae problem dude-we're liberal at best with deadlines around here anyway.

It's great to see newcomers participating, and yours is a breath of fresh air of light heartedness, surrounded by this doom and gloom and darkness.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

You know Tyrael, you're right. I'll be writing a more cheerful piece next time, but in a different vein though.

Your piece was really cool Shawny, well written


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## Tyrael (Nov 13, 2008)

A while I vowed not to write any downer pieces-everything I have done since then has been to attempt to make my dark ideas have an upbeat twist at the end or just be neutral. I fail at writing happy stories.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

Maybe you could write it thinking as if you just came back from winning the Nobel for Literature.


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## Tyrael (Nov 13, 2008)

I like to think that my most recent one isn't downbeat though...

Anyway, should we get this analysis stuff going then?


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

Aren't we waiting on DB and Sel?


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## Shawny (Nov 13, 2008)

LOL.  I didn't read the other pieces until I finished writing mine.  (I wanted to avoid outside influences.)  So I didn't realize that the other entries were gloomy until you pointed it out.

I'm the opposite!  I usually write happy, feel-good fiction.  

I can't bring myself to write gloomy stories!  I've tried.  But every time I write something remotely sad, I can't leave it that way.  I _have to_ add stuff to it until it ends up happy.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

I keep the happy ending expectations to IRL and d the sad endings for fiction


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## Tyrael (Nov 13, 2008)

CX said:


> Aren't we waiting on DB and Sel?



Who? They sound like right cads to me.

Anyway, I created this thread so we could get discussion flowing, and we don't need for it to have closed for that to happen. When the thread closes we'll do rating.



Shawny said:


> LOL.  I didn't read the other pieces until I finished writing mine.  (I wanted to avoid outside influences.)  So I didn't realize that the other entries were gloomy until you pointed it out.
> 
> I'm the opposite!  I usually write happy, feel-good fiction.
> 
> I can't bring myself to write gloomy stories!  I've tried.  But every time I write something remotely sad, I can't leave it that way.  I _have to_ add stuff to it until it ends up happy.



I try to write happy stuff all the time-it all turns out very gloomy. Still a good story is good, regardless.


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## Buskuv (Nov 13, 2008)

My happy-go-lucky stuff ends up being shit.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

Cad xD
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Till now, I like Amsesia's piece the best. It's really enticing. While Shawny's makes me think back t my young days and CTK's piece reminds me f romantic novels, Doc's piece reminds me of a war mvie and Tyrael's reminds me of a sitcom, Amnesia's gives me a very new feeling.


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## Tyrael (Nov 13, 2008)

Amnesia is amongst the likes of DB and Boskov in her abilities. Bloody incredible.

I did find the piece damn hard to get though, still not sure what it was about and that detracted from the piece. She erred too far on the side of subtle. Still the images and language leave me slack jawed.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

To be fair, her custom title is acutely describing herself as being on the downside of sublime .


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## Tyrael (Nov 13, 2008)

At the moment I think Dr BK's is the best. The way he twisted which picture was awesome as well as the delivery.

Shawny comes in 2.

Either you or Amensia 3. (not decided)


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## Pan-on (Nov 13, 2008)

I generally write fairly happy stuff, not sure about this time, il have it up in a few hours.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

I dunno about Doc, just because I think that the contrast from his last entry is throwing me off. The last one had similar structure but it was much more powerful than this one so this one seems like the high dick of last time has now gone limp


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## Tyrael (Nov 13, 2008)

Dunno, I found the last one to be indulgent and cliched. Kind of the safest entry we got. This one had a curious jaggedness to it structurally, and a far more human element that resounded.

I'm undecided, currently, about your form. It is inventive and cool, but I'm not sure if it has real contribution or is just intellectual wankery.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

Well, I'm a shallow guy to say the least


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## Tyrael (Nov 13, 2008)

Aren't we all?


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

Well, most of y'all are pretentiously shallow whilst I'm innocently so.


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## Tyrael (Nov 13, 2008)

Cad.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

Hey if you pay close attention I actually praised you


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## Tyrael (Nov 13, 2008)

One such as yourself should think it an honour for me bestow such a title upon you.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

Kutte


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## Tyrael (Nov 13, 2008)

CX said:


> Kutte



*Pretends to know what that means*

But on-topic, I think that we need to brow-bash a few regs. for them to be a bit more active in this thread, give a few more opinions. I'm sure that when the time for ratings comes around it'll pick up though.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

Hey now they've introduced VM messaging, lets go remind them in their VMs that they are needed here (With longcats if we must)


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## Pan-on (Nov 13, 2008)

CX said:


> Hey now they've introduced VM messaging, lets go remind them in their VMs that they are needed here (With longcats if we must)



longcats  whats that...or do i want to know 

just writing FF now

....


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

Longcats = Really Really long annoying images. I've yet to use it once.


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## Pan-on (Nov 13, 2008)

rofl, a distant cousin of LOLCATZ then.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

Not so distant I thing xD


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## Pan-on (Nov 13, 2008)

My FF is uuuuuuuup, iv not read all the others yet, il do that before I begin my feedback.


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## Tyrael (Nov 13, 2008)

When I'm fini'd my essay tomorrow I'll put forward summaries of my thoughts on each piece, for you guys to question.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

It seems I don't have much thought process depth so it'll be hard in being inventive when I write down the actual ratings with the reasons


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## Pan-on (Nov 13, 2008)

CX said:


> It seems I don't have much thought process depth so it'll be hard in being inventive when I write down the actual ratings with the reasons



if you give me a 10/10 i dont care if you write "it was gooder than than rest"


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

Hmmmm.....

CX - 10/10 - You have a sexy body and I'd totally do you. Boobs in my PM box for that rating please


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## Amnesia (Nov 13, 2008)

CX said:


> To be fair, her custom title is acutely describing herself as being on the downside of sublime .



I see you've been chatting about me behind my back.  

Eh, I might be a while with the ratings this time around. I'm booked for UC Berkeley this weekend. (And apparently a stripper party, according to my friend who goes to said campus... No, I have no idea what she means either)
So Monday or Tuesday is probably the earliest for me. Apologies for being a flake this time around.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

Praising you behind your back.

And good luck with the strippering


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## Amnesia (Nov 13, 2008)

CX said:


> And good luck with the strippering



Thanks! And no worries, I've gots a camera.  Yeah, not really.


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## Garfield (Nov 13, 2008)

No use enticing me, I already have been heartbroken t hell by the internet


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## Pan-on (Nov 14, 2008)

I love how my one is the most popular FF in a while, my name brings people


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## Buskuv (Nov 14, 2008)

Tyrael said:


> *Pretends to know what that means*
> 
> But on-topic, I think that we need to *brow-bash a few regs.* for them to be a bit more active in this thread, give a few more opinions. I'm sure that when the time for ratings comes around it'll pick up though.






CX said:


> I dunno about Doc, just because I think that the contrast from his last entry is throwing me off. The last one had similar structure but it was much more powerful than this one so this one *seems like the high dick of last time has now gone limp *





Tyrael said:


> Dunno, I* found the last one to be indulgent and cliched.* Kind of the safest entry we got. This one had a curious jaggedness to it structurally, and a far more human element that resounded.
> 
> I'm undecided, currently, about your form. It is inventive and cool, but I'm not sure if it has real contribution or is just intellectual wankery.


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## Tyrael (Nov 14, 2008)

Expect full-(ish) reviews soon.


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## Mashy (Nov 14, 2008)

It's too late to enter the competition, is it?

I've been an enthusiastic lurker of this flashfic competition, but I always open the thread a day after the deadline. 

I swear mother time has something against me. I did break a clock once.


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## Pan-on (Nov 14, 2008)

Mashed Potato said:


> It's too late to enter the competition, is it?
> 
> I've been an enthusiastic lurker of this flashfic competition, but I always open the thread a day after the deadline.
> 
> I swear mother time has something against me. I did break a clock once.



well nobody has started rating yet and its my name on top so i say GOGOGOGOGOGOGO


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## Shawny (Nov 14, 2008)

Mashed Potato said:


> It's too late to enter the competition, is it?
> 
> I've been an enthusiastic lurker of this flashfic competition, but I always open the thread a day after the deadline.
> 
> I swear mother time has something against me. I did break a clock once.



Where I am, it's still 6:00 pm on November 14th which means you still have 6 hours left!  Go, go, go!


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## Mashy (Nov 14, 2008)

Anonx said:


> well nobody has started rating yet and its my name on top so i say GOGOGOGOGOGOGO


I think I've fallen in love with that railway track picture you took. It's just lovely. 



Shawny said:


> Where I am, it's still 6:00 pm on November 14th which means you still have 6 hours left!  Go, go, go!



Aha, done. I placed an existential twist on it. I hope I didn't make it too obscure.


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## Pan-on (Nov 14, 2008)

Mashed Potato said:


> I think I've fallen in love with that railway track picture you took. It's just lovely.



why thank you , i remembered it being there from when i was younger and iv always thought old train tracks were interesting so i went with teh express puropse of taking its picture, there is actually a forest behind it.


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## Mashy (Nov 14, 2008)

Have you ever wandered into that forest as a child? I live in australia, and I go bushwalking just because the feeling of walking on unstructured terrain is terribly exciting.


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## Pan-on (Nov 14, 2008)

Mashed Potato said:


> Have you ever wandered into that forest as a child? I live in australia, and I go bushwalking just because the feeling of walking on unstructured terrain is terribly exciting.



Iv been there several times since i was very young and iv been in the forest a lot, When i was there in the summer for the first time in years i went for a walk there, it stretches a long way and is basically following the beach.

I remember being told all kinds of scary stories about the woods when i was little by other people at the place.


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## Garfield (Nov 15, 2008)

Mashed Potato said:


> It's too late to enter the competition, is it?
> 
> I've been an enthusiastic lurker of this flashfic competition, but I always open the thread a day after the deadline.
> 
> I swear mother time has something against me. I did break a clock once.


I'm glad someone other than me realized it's mother time and not father


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Nov 15, 2008)

Mashed Potato said:


> Have you ever wandered into that forest as a child? I live in australia, and I go bushwalking just because the feeling of walking on unstructured terrain is terribly exciting.



I've been bushwalking...but not in the same way


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## Mashy (Nov 15, 2008)

Anonx said:


> Iv been there several times since i was very young and iv been in the forest a lot, When i was there in the summer for the first time in years i went for a walk there, it stretches a long way and is basically following the beach.
> 
> I remember being told all kinds of scary stories about the woods when i was little by other people at the place.


Probs because they didn't want you getting lost in thar. 



CX said:


> I'm glad someone other than me realized it's mother time and not father


Father time is too busy getting drunk and inciting brawls to regulate our existence. To hell with him. 



Cardboard Tube Knight said:


> I've been bushwalking...but not in the same way


Is this some sexual innuendo I don't know about? Or have I just successfullly proven that my mind is in the gutter?


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## Garfield (Nov 15, 2008)

I know right? He's degenerated into a hole of the black nature


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## Pan-on (Nov 15, 2008)

Mashed Potato said:


> Probs because they didn't want you getting lost in thar.



nah they were just making fun of me because i was younge than them, bastards.


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## Shawny (Nov 15, 2008)

*Reviews and Ratings*

As this is my first time rating and reviewing the FlashFic, I hope I got the format right.  I spoiler tagged the reviews because I didn't want to give the stories away to people who haven't read them, yet.

Tyrael: 8/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Very poignant.  That's the feeling I got after reading your piece.   You made me feel bad for the old man who's a washed-up-has-been actor boasting to these kids.  The only criticism I have is with the opening lines/dialogue.  It didn't sound natural.  I mean, if the old man is boasting to kids, wouldn't use simpler language?  Not sure if little kids would understand the word "exposition" or "permeated".  *shrugs*




Dr. Boskov Krevorkian: 10/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Wow.  I think someone mentioned this before, but your piece reads like a war movie!  The imagery is excellent, especially in the last paragraph.  The young soldiers are trying to escape their doomed reality, but _can't_.  Ouch.




Amnesia: 7/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



That was... confusing!  Sorry!  It's probably just me.  I'm a shallow reader (i.e. I like to have things explained to me in bold text)!  I didn't understand the point of your story.  It sounded like some kind of initiation test for the kids in neighborhood.  Why did the police and yellow tape get involved?  

My favorite line: _They guillotine their words like French revolutionaries._




Cardboard Tube Knight: 8/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Kinky.  

I liked the comparison between the two types of fear.  And... I'm not sure what else to say, except that I liked it.   (Sorry for leaving such a short review!)




CX: 7/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Addicted to the thrill of war.  This guy needs help.  My favorite line: _What plays in my head when I sit in this bunker, swinging my throbbing gun is not a silent music but lively jazz. _ 

I like this line most because it describes this person's mental state perfectly.  At first glance, he might look okay.  But there's something wrong in his head because it _should _have been silent music, not lively jazz.




AnonX: 9/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Okay... you can tell me if I'm reading too deeply into this or not... But I think the house is haunted - by a benign ghost or supernatural being of sorts.  This house sits there and provides protection to children, and in return when the children grow up, they fix up the house.  Except for Barry.  The house helped him, but he didn't fix the hole in the wall, so he was struck by lightning a few feet from the house.

I love poetic justice - though death seems to be a bit extreme for not fixing a hole in the wall!  Excellent writing. 

I'd like to read the longer version.




Mider T: 7/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



The description of innocent fun in the first paragraph was very good, but the ending felt too abrupt.  I know that we need to keep the stories short.  But the way it ended... You didn't reach the 400 word maximum, yet.  Maybe you could have added something to make the ending smoother?




Mashed Potato: 10/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I really liked this one.  What is it about overgrown railroad tracks that make us think of the afterlife?  (My original idea for my own piece was also to write about someone moving on to the afterlife.  Except, I couldn't bring myself to write something so sad.)  The foreshadowing was very good: _It was perfect, but if he ever learnt anything from life, it was that perfection was ominous. A glint of suspicion remained in his eyes as he walked on towards the end of the tracks._  Bravo!

Poor Edmund.  I hope he is in a better place.


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## Tyrael (Nov 15, 2008)

Shawny-7.5

I loved the fact that this approach was so original and contrasted in tone so much from the others, even if this was an unwitting move. It had a cadence ending that resonated, as well as light filled tone that made it to be a pleasant read.

Attempts at humour in the flow consciousness type moment was not something that really came off well-disrupting the image that had been building. Also, most of the imagery was simple, which worked, but the odd piece of more sophisticated could have bolstered this piece in my opinion. The childish nature was captured well though.

Boskov-8.5

You backed off a bit with the language on this one, and the result means that this comes across as a lot more genuine and well rounded. The tone is fantastic; the fact the narrator is kept nameless gives this piece a bigger scale and the imagery and scenes are delivered within a dark bitter inevitability. This is not something they can fight in: surviving is the name of the game, and in this even they have no chance. The last piece of imagery reminded of DB’s Monsters entry; in other words pretty damn brilliant. I think the line “We all believe we're well rounded and stable individuals” diverts the entry a little, unfocussing it. I would imagine the line between crazy and sane would not be rationalised that way in that situation: this said, I’m merely nitpicking. Also, use of the word “chap” contradicted the swearing earlier-personally I would have used the phrase “poor bastard”.

Ams-5

I love your style. Seriously, your prose is pretty damn amazing. The atmosphere is strong and chilling and conjures textures and colour without having to describe them.

That aside, this piece defeated me. I can see the symbolism, the sophisticated plot structure: it all washes over me. No idea what any of it means. I think you erred too far on the side of subtlety-there is only so obscure you can make the hints in your piece before it becomes unrealistic to expect people to pick it up. Whilst this is alright with obscure moments of symbolism, if your entire piece revolves around this you’ve overstepped the mark. Ironically, could have been better if it had been more basic.

CTK-6

Already covered much of what I think of this piece here. Actually, not sure what I could add to that.

CX-6.5

The form is nice, pretty cool. And distracting. Honestly, I reckon it counts against it, as it cause a break in immersion at the end of every chapter. Your character was coldly realised (in a good way) and your dark imagery appropriate, but there was a slight clichéd undertone that kept nagging me. I have trouble seeing where this piece really becomes it’s own and defines itself using this cruel snare the world has placed over your protagonist.

Anon-8

Creepy, original, and sophisticated. My mind has died and I have no idea how to criticise this, or what to criticise. Ask me later what’s wrong with this should you still wish to be subjected to my nipicking.

Mider T-7

There was naturalness to this I liked-it flowed and there was a connection to the landscape I really felt although there was little markedly explosive that stood out about it. You authentically carry across this whole friendship and the playful, nostalgic, tone is well executed. There is a slight pointlessness to it though-can’t say I really felt that I really came away feeling I had got a complete story. There is a slight ambivalent touch that runs through it, and the anecdote seems kind of random. Still, a very good entry.

Mashed Potato-6

This piece struck particular interest in me as I saw a lot of my own prose in there (although, of course, to a much higher standard than my stuff). It put some brilliant phrases and interesting and nicely balanced symbolism with the added spice of real depth, and on paper (so to speak) is very good. This was, however, a very strange weakness to the piece-it felt more like a technical exercise than something I could connect with. Phrases like “rusted with the copper gifts of time” and “a frail Daschund swathed in a coat of parasitic tics” are pretty much gold but I felt myself pulling back and admiring the language, rather than getting involved with the piece. Also there is a noticeable discrepancy in the first para. and the rest in that it is much more subtle.


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## Mider T (Nov 16, 2008)

Sorry if mine sounded a bit prolougish, there was a bit more but the lowest I could get it was to a 417 word count.  I was in a bit of a rush so my proofreading changed to just eliminating a bit more elaboration on Ricky which is why it may have felt incomplete.  Apologies.

As a fic, I like Doc's the best.  But for a chuckle, I must admit CX and Mashy's got me, though I don't think I was suppose to chuckle


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## Pan-on (Nov 16, 2008)

I have an essay to write so naturally im doing anything other than that. Here's my rating.

also i had fun with the names so if you get stuck they are in the order they were written.

Shawny of the dead


*Spoiler*: __ 



I find it quite funny that you wrote about children in reference to the train track rather than the play house.

Anyway I liked your pacing and the simple imagery was good however there were points where you lost of the flow a bit. For example

"What did they eat for breakfast this morning? Sugar cane dipped in maple syrup?"

sounds like something a kid would think rather than an adult, i think it would have been better as

"What had they eaten for breakfast, Sugar cane dipped in maple syrup?"

I thought your children were very good though, very childlike lol.

6.5/10




A rael angel


*Spoiler*: __ 



I liked this a lot, dialog was suitably nostalgic and the ambiguity of the piece actually added to it, the ending worked really well also. you had a small problem with tense in the last big paragraph but it doesn't really take anything away from the piece

8.5/10 




Dr Who?


*Spoiler*: __ 



Your writing flows really well, i envy that  and this is a really affecting piece with some great imagery but I actually think this could have done being shorter, it feels like some parts of it actually go to far into explaining and slow the effect of the rest. That said still very good

8/10




Forgotten who wrote this one


*Spoiler*: __ 



Love your tone and imagery there both very good however I just don't understand the ending at all. Why is it a courage test? It confused me too much which took away from what was a well written piece.

6.5/10




Knight in inexpensive armour


*Spoiler*: __ 



I like the way the tone shifted and the imagery is very good, flows well but drags on a little towards the end, could have done either being shorter or having something happen to hold interest.

7/10




See Ex Machina 


*Spoiler*: __ 



Great pacing and tone, and some amazing phrases like "metal pill of death". A little too lacking in  direct plot for my taste but as a reflective piece its brilliant. has a good rhythm for piece of prose

7.5/10




No name but putting an X at the end makes it cool


*Spoiler*: __ 



Oh wait thats me

?/10




Misspelt Mr T


*Spoiler*: __ 



Great atmosphere, I could practically see the prairie. Very nostalgic tone and nice characterization, a little confusing at the end but its not detrimental and in fact adds to the tone. Could have done with being longer to further get into the characters but a good piece anyway

8/10  




Culinary clouds


*Spoiler*: __ 



This sounds like something I wrote once, only with less confusing than mine.

Anyway its a good piece with some depth to it, imagery is good but some of it is a little unneeded and it seemed a little short also , I love this theme though I find it very interesting.

8/10




whew now as a final treat here is my piece pre edit which I like better:


*Spoiler*: __ 




The little house had been there as long as anybody could remember and longer than some could forget. Its colours had changed over the years as it it been repainted and repaired many times but it had always been there.

It had been there for Robert when the bullies had come looking for him, hiding him from their insults and their fists, giving him a place to study, a way to a better life. Robert came back some years later, a successful lawyer by then, and painted the house red and blue with his son.

It had been there for Billy when he saw two older boys break into the post office. He had hidden from them in the little house all night, scared to breath lest they were outside. Billy became a policeman further down the line and helped the children make a new roof for the house, when the old one broke.

It had been there for Isabella and Roger during the war, they sat together and played chess amidst the chaotic wailing of an air-raid siren, neglected by their foster parents and left to fend for themselves. When they came back all grown up they made a new step ladder for the house so their children could play in the house as they had.

It had been there for Charlotte when her dad got drunk and was colour-blind to all but red. On warm summer's nights she slept there, wrapped in blankets watching the sky through the window, her father's rage as far away as the stars which gazed at her. There was a rumour around that it had been a famous astronomer who had, in the life of night, fixed the broken window in the little house and vanished by morning.

It had been there for Barry when he was lost far from home and a storm began. He had sat huddled in the little shelter hiding from the roar of the thunder and the flashes of lightning, wishing he was anywhere else. Years later Barry came back on a business trip with some colleagues and told them the story of the storm. Instead of fixing the hole he saw in the house's wall he decided to go for a drink. That night the drink turned into a couple of drinks, then a few, then he had lost count and finally he had forgotten how to count by which time the bar was closing. As he was staggering home a storm started, he was still far from his hotel when it began to worsen and he remembered the little house, however try as he might, he couldn't find it.

It had been there for a young boy and his dog who had sheltered in it during the storm however a body was discovered some few feet from the house which appeared to have been struck by lightning The Authorities did not suspect foul play.


----------



## Tyrael (Nov 16, 2008)

Mider T said:


> Sorry if mine sounded a bit prolougish, there was a bit more but the lowest I could get it was to a 417 word count.  I was in a bit of a rush so my proofreading changed to just eliminating a bit more elaboration on Ricky which is why it may have felt incomplete.  Apologies.
> 
> As a fic, I like Doc's the best.  But for a chuckle, I must admit CX and Mashy's got me, though I don't think I was suppose to chuckle



No need to apologise dude-we all had problems with our fics (inevitably), otherwise there is no point to the crit. It's a learning curve.

Any chance of doing your own ratings?


----------



## sel (Nov 16, 2008)

A suggestion if I may impart one. Whilst this thread may have been designated for discussion and feedback, I think that the official ratings should go in the entry thread so whoever adds them up doesn't have to hunt through various chat posts to do so.


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## Tyrael (Nov 16, 2008)

I'll make a reference post in the official thread, at the moment, since we've already started, probably best to continue in this vein.

Done


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## Shawny (Nov 16, 2008)

*@Tyrael* and *Anonx*:  Thanks for the feedback. *

@Anonx*: "Shawny of the Dead"


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## The Bloody Nine (Nov 16, 2008)

Sorry i didn't post anything, cold feet and my powers of procrastination got in the way.

Shawny 


*Spoiler*: __ 



I really liked the light-hearted tone of your story, especially when contrasted to everyone else's. I thought it was extremely well written but it all came across as slightly juvenile which, while great for the infants, did not quite suit the teacher.

The ending was also cheesy and just a touch cliche.

I enjoyed it a lot 7.5/10  




Tyrael


*Spoiler*: __ 



I thought these two sentences;

In the distance a far off roaring could be heard, growing closer with a sense of inevitability that permeated everything about the scene: the girl, tied and screaming to the rails, the way that madman opposite him twirled his moustache and the eyes that weighed down on all of them.

had a youthful charm that lulled him into the imagination of the three;

where rather clumsy and could have been done better. This seems like particularly mean nitpick, i know, but i thought the rest of your writing was particularly excellent and I felt it broke up the flow slightly. 

I also think you have a gift for writing convincing dialogue - both internal and external.

However it wasn't as dramatic as the other pieces and didn't really move me - 8/10.



Dr. BK


*Spoiler*: __ 



You like Tyrael are a great technician but you have the added bonus of being able to choose and string together just the right words.

My complaint with your piece is a personal one - i didn't "get" your reference to the children in the backyard or how the last paragraph made sense - so you can pretty much discount it.

8/10



Amnesia


*Spoiler*: __ 



If that's basic then i'd really like to see what you consider complicated. I had to read it twice before i understood it.

Could have done with being a little less obtuse but i really like the way you can turn a phrase. 9/10



CTK


*Spoiler*: __ 



I really liked this. I'm an anarchist at heart so the thought of fucking on a battlefield was pretty appealing.

"But not the fear we felt was not the same kind,"

Merely a nit-pick. But i needed to find a reason not to give a perfect score.

9/10.




CX


*Spoiler*: __ 



Personally i thought your piece was melodramatic and that it fell short of the poetry you obviously strived for.

It was filled with lines like;

_I would not die in fear while my enemy lives with delight of losing his life in fight of freedom. 

What have I degenerated onto? _

That i didn't understand or made next to no sense. 

However when you do get it right like;

_swinging my throbbing gun_

the imagery is rather splendid. 6/10



AnonX


*Spoiler*: __ 



Brilliant. Easily my favourite piece of the lot with a definitive begging and end - felt like a real short story. The pervasive mystical (not sure if thats quite the right word) tone was also really well crafted.

Pretty much flawless IMO 10/10



Mider T 


*Spoiler*: __ 



Your piece went of to a great start and it certainly set the mood rather effectively. However it suffered from pacing; the end came too abruptly and the whole "look" thing wasn't explained. Though i can see why you would probably want to leave whatever it was up to the imagination. 

I also really like the way you turn a phrase, especially;

as a pre-adolescent kid directed his attention in such a way that would make the rowdiest cowboy lose control of their bowels

8/10 



MP


*Spoiler*: __ 



I thought you had the best opening of anyone else in the thread; it was vividly and beautifully written. 

However i didn't like the way you wrote the interior dialogue; i can't really say why, but i didn't. Also i completely the missed metaphor the first time round and i was lost for a few minutes. Guess i'm tired. 

8.5/10


----------



## Dream Brother (Nov 17, 2008)

*Shawny:*

This was an interesting way to kick off. I'm so used to reading about doom and gloom -- hell, most of my own work falls into this vein -- that to see a genuinely warm approach in the competition caught me off guard. I like how you open and close with contrasting sentiments; I've always thought that a good entrance and exit to pieces is essential. You tied them together well. Your style is also very..._clean_, for lack of a better word. It's stripped down and simple, and so it benefits from a very streamlined read. I couldn't spot any serious technical flaws either, which is perhaps another benefit to your clean style. I do think that it could have done with a touch more flavour at points, though -- just as one can be too opulent, one can also be too basic. Just a sprinkling of detail devoted to the aesthetics of the piece wouldn't have hurt. I would also advise you to aim for more subtlety in your approach. For example:

_'What was going on?'_ and _'Her heart melted into a puddle of goo.'_ Both seem to be a little more telling than showing. The first one can be communicated, for example, through the character's body language -- maybe something like: 'She raised her eyebrow and stepped back slightly'. That communicates her bemusement at the weeds without having to actually spell it out blatantly. The second example could be tackled in much the same style. Having her face soften, having her kneel and suddenly hug the children, etc. 

Do you spend a lot of time around children? I'm curious, because they come across as realistic here -- the seemingly random shifts in mood, the utter chaos they create with toys and such, the blunt and warming statements they can come out with that leave you utterly surprised. I like the sentiments that this piece conveys; kids really can be a complete nightmare to deal with, and yet every now and then they say or do something that reminds you of why they're so special. It's hell and heaven all in one. Overall, I found the piece to be refreshingly light-hearted and convincing in the portrayal of kiddies and the adult's reaction to them. The style was fair enough -- it got the job done. I could have done with more subtlety and perhaps toning down the mushiness at the end, but overall it was decent. Oh, another thing that I almost forgot to mention -- this is original. I don't know about anyone else, but when I looked at the picture I never thought of schoolchildren going on a trip with their teacher. Quite an unexpected angle. Welcome to the LD, by the way -- good to have you here.

5/10


*Tyrael:*

What the...another kiddie tale? What is it with you guys and kids this week? 

(Not that I'm complaining, of course -- I actually find it quite refreshing, as we barely see this stuff in past flashfics.)

The opening struck me as off, somehow. Upon further thought, I'm pretty sure it's because of the oddly fragmented quality. _‘The wise cracking, exposition spouting side kick'_ seems awkward. Shouldn't it be 'wisecracking', 'exposition-spouting' and 'sidekick'? I'm not actually sure if these amendments are technically correct (I think/hope they are, because I feel an instinctive 'rightness' about them) but I really think they work far better in creating a gentle slide into the piece rather than the jarring original. That being said, I like the concept behind this piece. Not overly dismal, not too mushy -- a nice balance between the two. If I had to personally describe it in one word, I would instantly choose 'bittersweet'. This was my favourite segment:

_'youthful charm that lulled him into the imagination of the three; taking him far off from the painful ruminations that would follow later. It felt kind of sad that he still haunted this place, in search of times less dull, and found himself boasting to a group of children that were playing here.'_

That snippet hits home. Pretty much all of us can easily relate to regrets about the past -- imagining how we might have done things differently. The idea of trying to return to the fleeting moments of happiness, if only for a moment, also rings true. It should be 'tearing huge rents in *his* self-confidence', though. Even the smallest/seemingly most trivial mistake can make an otherwise powerful sentence suddenly confusing. 

I like the ending. Simple, smooth and poignant. You put subtlety to good use here.

6/10


*Boskov:*

Lovely. This piece was strong all the way through, really. Very solid and consistent. I particularly enjoyed the opening; it strikes me that what you wrote can also be used, in an odd way, to describe us and the LD itself. What are writers, if not masters of our own private universe? Or so most of us like to believe, at any rate. The element of escapism is undeniable for many, too. Anyway...your writing strikes a good balance this time. Not too flowery, not too basic. Just right. You carry off a gritty tone, and you achieve a lot of power through simplicity. You also make good use of the semicolon -- it's sadly neglected or misused by most, but you use it effectively. Great ending, but one little issue I have is the use of _'the muzzle flashes of the enemies' ship's guns'_. _Enemies' ship's_ sounds a little too awkward in that specific sentence (try saying it aloud) but that may just be me. Oh, another thing -- I loved your use of _'red flower'_. Powerful image. Well done with this one.

8.5/10


*Amnesia:*

Damn. These pieces just keep getting better...quite a trend we've got going so far. What can I say? I loved this one. It was like some sort of code -- it got me thinking and reading it again just to catch the things I missed the first time around. You have a very mature style; everything flows and resonates like good writing should. Very subtle, and it compliments the piece -- the ending, however, was perhaps a _little_ too ambiguous. What prompted the cop to ask questions? I feel as if I've missed something important there. The use of _'There’s too much yellow tape fluttering around and we're too far away'_ is something I find very interesting, and I think it can be interpreted in utterly differing ways -- I'm uncertain about what you personally intended it to mean, though. That's both a good and a bad thing. I think I grasped the rest of the piece, though -- it really was wonderfully done. Probably one of my favourite entries out of all the Flashfic rounds that we've had, actually.

9/10


*CTK:*

Interesting angle. When the piece opened, I thought you were going for Boskov's approach, so I winced -- but you pleasantly surprised me. I particularly like that combination of two seemingly opposing elements -- it creates an odd breed of tension that I enjoy. You don't know whether to feel comfortable or uncomfortable. I also have to say that I think your writing has improved since I last saw it. The second paragraph could do with a touch of cleaning up, e.g: _'But not the fear we felt was not the same kind'_ and _'with only the sound the waves'_ could have been easily corrected. This, on the other hand, is a great line that works: _'Something told me that the ocean water still held that metallic hint of blood'_. The ending was a nice attempt at closing in the classic simple/powerful style, but I think it could have actually been made better with just a few slight adjustments. For example:

_This was the kind of thing that turned her on, the kind of thing she got off on; fucking in the middle of a battlefield.

What a romantic way to express one’s love._

One semicolon and a bit of splitting, and...it suddenly comes across as that much more powerful (to me, anyway). Anyway, good job. I liked this one.

7/10

*[Ratings continue in the next post.]*
​


----------



## Dream Brother (Nov 17, 2008)

*[Continued from previous post.]*

*CX:*

Your piece (like your last one) has a very distinctive style -- as I said before, it's almost like poetry. This benefits it in some places and unfortunately brings it down in others. It felt a little too...disjointed, somehow. I approve of the fact that you tried an original style, though. It instantly caught my eye and my interest. My favourite part was actually the final line: _'Or have I slipped on this knife already'_. Very nice, that. It could have probably benefited from a question mark, though -- even if it was intended to be rhetorical. The actual content was fair enough, but it never really gave me the sense that there was something striking/odd there to grab my attention. 

5/10


*Anonx:*

Good opening. A few minor issues throughout (it should be _'scared to breath*e*_', for example) but overall your technique was solid. What I liked the most about this piece was the universal quality that permeates it. When you list all those people (and do a good job of making them seem real) it creates the sense of the reader being connected to all of them at the same time...just like the house connects to all of the characters. It's like one massive cobweb. The conclusion is a bit odd, though:

_It had been there for a young boy and his dog who had sheltered in it during the storm however a body was discovered some few feet from the house which appeared to have been struck by lightning The Authorities did not suspect foul play._

Why is all of this one long sentence? No comma, no period, nothing. I assume this was deliberate, but in my opinion it wasn't needed. I like the eerie tone -- it could almost be the introduction to a Gothic tale.

6/10


*Mider:*

This was decent. I like the early idealism, and I also like the way you modify your language to suit your narrator (although the use of _'liquid waste'_ was a bit odd). Some of the small touches contributed very well to the realism of the piece...something like _'stained yellow from lemonade'_ is a good touch, in that respect. I found the ending a little confusing...were you hinting at something perverse or just strange? The last line is good. 

5/10


*Mashy:*

Good read. I always like it when people provide quirky protagonists -- I can never quite predict what they'll do next, and that provides for instant interest. You're quite deft with language, and I especially like the opening. The actual concept behind the piece is an interesting one, and the ending tied it up neatly. I don't think there's anything that jumps out for me to pick on and criticise, actually. It was solid.

7/10


------------------------------

A few general notes:

- I really enjoyed reading the stuff this week. All the different angles and styles...lovely.

- I apologise to the last few people who I reviewed. I wanted to devote more time and text to your critique, but as the ratings went on I ran out of more and more time...and now I'm pretty much screwed, as I have to wake up early tomorrow for class. That's why I kept the last few ratings short. Rest assured that I put just as much thought into them as I did for the others, though -- the only thing I did was force myself to be more concise with you guys.

- Now I'm bloody tired and I'm going to grab some sleep. 

<3​


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## Pan-on (Nov 17, 2008)

Dream Brother said:


> _It had been there for a young boy and his dog who had sheltered in it during the storm however a body was discovered some few feet from the house which appeared to have been struck by lightning The Authorities did not suspect foul play._
> 
> Why is all of this one long sentence? No comma, no period, nothing. I assume this was deliberate, but in my opinion it wasn't needed. I like the eerie tone -- it could almost be the introduction to a Gothic tale.



Its actually not deliberate there should be a comma in there at least, its really strange that I didn't notice that at all, maybe i cut it by accident when i was cutting words.

also why on earth are you awake at this hour, im writing an essay very very very slowly, thats my excuse.

cheers for the crit btw


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## Dream Brother (Nov 17, 2008)

Anonx said:


> Its actually not deliberate there should be a comma in there at least, its really strange that I didn't notice that at all, maybe i cut it by accident when i was cutting words.



Oooh, yeah I was wondering what had happened there. I normally miss small things like that too, it's pretty annoying, to say the least.



> also why on earth are you awake at this hour, im writing an essay very very very slowly, thats my excuse.



I sat down to rate the entries sometime after 3AM. The time it took to read them, think about them, and then write a review on them/decide the score ended up amounting to around two hours in total . It would have been even longer if I had more time -- unfortunately I just ended up rushing through the last pieces.



> cheers for the crit btw



No prob. I actually have the easy job here -- standing on the sidelines and just critiquing. I feel a bit wimpy for doing that, actually. I'll definitely jump into one of the future FFs and submit my own piece. Been waaaay too long.


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## Buskuv (Nov 17, 2008)

I hate when I notice mistakes after the FFs have been rated that are so simple (and sometimes bizarre) that they confuse me.

That last part of mine, "Enemies' Ship's Guns" read, in my mind all the way until you pointed it out, as Enemies' guns."  I don't know where it came from.

I should have my ratings (shoulda, coulda, woulda) up by tonight; probably late tonight.  I also think we should archive the ratings -- because we have to do _that _now, too -- because there is no order to the rating list, and compiling them would benefit those who don't know where they are.


----------



## Tyrael (Nov 17, 2008)

Funny you should mention that.


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## Garfield (Nov 17, 2008)

Sorry for being very simplistic with these but Dreamy's loong ass observations left little room for me to add more 

*Spoiler*: _Shawny - .63_ 




Though it was very original in it's light nature, it seemed very drab to me. Maybe a hint of exaggeration at a couple places could have helped some. Most other points have been covered by other reviewers already.




*Spoiler*: _Tyrael - .57_ 



I....can't really pinpoint what was missing from this piece, maybe it's length threw me off but I can't seem to connect to the story really well. I love the way there was the weirdness in the main character though. Definitely associated with that.




*Spoiler*: _DocBocKrok - .62_ 



Very nice in it's simplicity I think. If there was a hidden innuendo, I didn't get it, sorry.




*Spoiler*: _The Forgetful One - .81_ 



I loved this. Very very intriguing and keeped me hooked (Yes, keeped) and I had to read it more than once to get it. Very nice imagery.




*Spoiler*: _Cardboard Excalibur holding Jedi named Sir Gawain - .53_ 



It seemed to me to resemble a Romance novel somehow. Me not being fond of the genre turned me off of this a bit, so my apologies in rating this simple but safe piece low.




*Spoiler*: _NonXmiX - .69_ 



A sexy rating simply for the reason that reading it reminded me of the awesome narration of prologues for great movies provided by such Gruff British voiced commentators as Sean Connery. Very clear as well.




*Spoiler*: _MilderTrain (reference to Crazy Train) - .58_ 



Seems like an excerpt of a bigger piece. Again, simple but very good. I liked how it seemed so innocuous.




*Spoiler*: _Gravy and what goes with it - .73_ 



Nice Eulogy there Mistar.


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 18, 2008)

*Spoiler*: _Shawny_ 





The piece was certainly light-hearted -- something usually absent from us dreary LD folk -- but I thought it lacked a certain... urgency, a sense of impression.  Maybe that was your intention, but it didn't really connect with (it's not because I'm a misanthropic twat).  Well done pacing, and the exuberance of the children was well captured, though.  All in all, I thought it was a good, but very safe piece. 

*5.5*





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 





I loved this'n.

The rather weak denial of reality is something that I can relate with -- but I'm sure most people can as well.  The down-and-out actor has been done before, but the youthful curiousity and optimism presented makes an interesting stance on it.  One can never really answer the questions of a child.  

I do believe wise cracking should be hyphenated, and I'm fairly certain exposition shouting should be as well (the confused me initially), but I'm not certain beyond a shadow of a doubt, so don't quote me.  Well done.
*
8.5*





*Spoiler*: _Dr. Boskov Krevorkian_ 





It's quite obvious this writer is the next Charles Dickens






*Spoiler*: _Amnesia_ 





Fantastic -- brilliant -- imagery; but I missed... purpose.  The relation between reader and writer is something of a decadent, perplexing dance, so I'm not sure if I'm following suite -- I loved the imagery, found it incredibly engaging, and certainly found it to be some of the best I've read in the FFs of the past, but I missed the conflict.  It seems, to me, as an exercise in imagery.  

It has to be good to get this high a rating, and still be what I view as an exercise in imagery. 

*8*






*Spoiler*: _Carboard Tube Knight_ 





A smooth drive that ends with a jerk.  Intentional or not, the final paragraph shifts the whole story with an audible clunk.  I was captivated by the storytelling, up until I hit that last part.  The imagery was fantastic, and it definately had it's own "feel": gritty, filthy.  But that last paragraph is like a jolt that seems to be an attempt to shock back into a different tone.  

It may be intentional, but I think the ending could have been changed.

*7*






*Spoiler*: _Adee (CX lol)_ 





A risk is a risk -- you took one, and it took from yours.  You are certainly commended for a break in the tradition of linear stories of the LD -- something that gets points for removing the monotony, and creativity in style.  But I feel the piece sort of... lumbers.  The prose is well done, and certainly not laden with unecessary jargon or flowery words, but it seems slow, as if the pacing (if any) doesn't move well enough for the piece.

Keep it up -- I'm sure when you get your tone down, your ability to vary your technical style will come in handy.

*6*






*Spoiler*: _Anonx_ 





The change of perspective is wonderful -- I love pieces that are from inanimate objects, for some reason, and I thought this was well done.  The story-telling, and the pacing were fantastic, and the whole thing was consistent and interesting, giving the whole piece an amalgam of feelings that contrasted the other pieces.

But, as I see it, there was no end -- no end is certainly fine, when it is part of the story telling -- the story just stopped.  If you were intending to make that part of the whole debacle, I must have missed it.  Had you finished as if the house had much more to "experience", and indicated (wryly as always), then it could have been, to me, much better.

*7*






*Spoiler*: _Mider T_ 





Block syndrome.  

It's not so much you, as it is me.  As far as I can tell, it's techincally correct, but the wall-of-text technique seems better suited for larger pieces.  

Vernacular was good, as was the imagery used.  The rest was fairly good, but I got little resolution, and was slightly confused by the ending.   

*6*






*Spoiler*: _Mashers_ 





Whoa, shift, dude.

I liked this one, but there seems to be something missing right 'round the middle.  It seems, again, maybe intentionally, that I missed reading something in the middle as I shift from the beginning to the end.   

It was very poignant, and even dreary -- I loved the final paragraph.

*8*





Have at my terrible ability to rate.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 18, 2008)

Dude, you didn't even rate me


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 18, 2008)

Adee said:


> Dude, you didn't even rate me



I was fixing the spoiler tags, and your rating was erased.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 18, 2008)

lolwtf 

6 is a homoeroticism number in India........


brb nuking Colorado


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## Buskuv (Nov 18, 2008)

Adee said:


> lolwtf
> 
> 6 is a homoeroticism number in India........
> 
> ...



Apt,           no?


----------



## Garfield (Nov 18, 2008)

I think the latest part of my post was


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 18, 2008)

Adee said:


> I think the latest part of my post was



DID U C WHAT I DID THER?


----------



## Garfield (Nov 18, 2008)

Yea, but that doesn't save you from U235!!!


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 19, 2008)

U235 shells?  (Oh god, SC humor. )

So, when are we going to cap the ratings?


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## Pan-on (Nov 19, 2008)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> U235 shells?  (Oh god, SC humor. )
> 
> So, when are we going to cap the ratings?



There are still about 3 people who participated who have not rated yet so id say give it another day or so.


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## Tyrael (Nov 19, 2008)

Anonx said:


> There are still about 3 people who participated who have not rated yet so id say give it another day or so.



I'll give them 7 hours until I tally. Get going folks.


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## Amnesia (Nov 19, 2008)

Seven hours? I get back home in nine; ten minutes from now.


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## Tyrael (Nov 19, 2008)

Amnesia said:


> Seven hours? I get back home in nine; ten minutes from now.



Well in 9-10 hours I tally. 'tis no problem.


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## Amnesia (Nov 20, 2008)

Currently working on ratings.

EDIT: 

Ok, so here they are... Apologies on how late it took me. And I suck at ratings in general. Did get a bit exhausted from the battlefield related stuff...


*Spoiler*: _Shawny_ 



I liked the light tone; it?s definitely something that adds a new element to these flashfics. Though, I have to say the style and writing seemed a bit stilted and too simplistic. Somehow the collective ?children? came across as playing a cookie cutter role and as though they were hard to connect to as real kids.  There was some nice depth going on with Miss Tammy that could have been expanded to the children. I really enjoyed the playful, sarcastic tone and would be curious to see a version where that was played up a bit. 

5.5/10





*Spoiler*: _Ty_ 



The initial opening sequence confused me but then I found it immediately brought to mind this old Cold War era cartoon that used to play.  That made me grin a lot, actually. I like how you handled everything, these figures without names gave a timelessness to the work (and something I could go either way with.) There were a fair few awkward parts however, in particular, the first line of the piece. Starting off in such a jarring way left me scrambling a bit for a foot hold before settling in.  Really loved that last moment of loss, it added a jewel of a touch to everything which made it so very real. It took a light tone overall, but that added hint of realism made it.

8/10






*Spoiler*: _Doctor Boskov_ 



By far one of the most powerful in terms of imagery (can definitely see where you get this from your music -been listening to ?Dead Flag Blues?), it also seems to leave little else to the imagination, which may or may not be a good thing.  Loved the flower imagery; was probably my favorite part as well as the matter of fact, desperate tone to the whole piece. While the language could probably blind me on any account, it just feels like something is missing from the piece which I can?t quite put my finger on. 

8.5/10





*Spoiler*: _CTK_ 



Sex and war, eh? Good combo.  It?s an interesting take on the scenario which I liked. I can?t say the language really gripped me and felt like there could have been more showing than telling, but I liked how the piece progressed, becoming more insidious with insinuation. The ending seemed to twist everything up from this flowing  scene into a cynical, almost accusing tone which was interesting but didn?t really strike me with a powerful impact like it seemed it should have. 

7.5/10





*Spoiler*: _Adee_ 



I really liked where this was going in terms of the interspersing of the inner thoughts with the outer narrative, however when there was nothing to wrap it up in league with the pattern I felt a little bit miffed, like I didn?t get the ending that should have been there. It leaves the piece incomplete in my mind, after having established that order.  Loved the jazz line and how the ?throbbing gun? echoed off of that, was very nice. 

7.5/10






*Spoiler*: _Anonx_ 



I really like the angle you went on this one, centering a range of memories around this one little house was a nice take. It really forced me to take a step back and look at the connections  and varying experience surrounding this common locus. Somehow this figures as somewhat of an antithesis to Boskov?s writing actually (at least to me).  However, the piece definitely seemed to leave loose ends rather than being a stand alone. (It?s understandable given the original was a lot longer and word count affects a lot). 

8/10






*Spoiler*: _Mider T_ 



I really liked the way you went about presenting a scene right out of childhood. All those memories mixed and meshed together reminded me of a lot actually. However, there were a number of points of awkward language and somewhat stilted tone which left me from puzzled to iffy on how it fit with the rest of the work. The ending with Ricky also seemed to warrant just one more crucial little detail to offset the last look, which was very nicely done.

6.5/10





*Spoiler*: _Mashy_ 



Lovely, lovely how the idyllic images are brought crashing back down to earth with that ending shift. It really was an interesting angle to take, however it felt a bit too abrupt without something to mark the transition. (I?m actually a bit torn on it still.) It was definitely an original take on things which I like a lot, tempering out the light hearted with that sudden end. Maybe one or two phrases seemed out of place to me but nothing that really came across as glaring.

7.5/10


----------



## Mashy (Nov 20, 2008)

*Shawny*
This is going to sound odd, but I pictured primary colours when I read this. So pure and happy and not complex like the muddy hues you get from tertiary colours. The language is simple which suits the storyline perfectly. Radiates nostalgia (I remember when I gave my teacher gifts in 2nd grade )

My only criticism is that it's a bit on the banal side, I could probably search around on the net and get pretty similar stories to yours. Originality is a huge thing for me. And trust me, the grumpy cynic lodged within me was fighting a hard fight with the carefree child who very much enjoyed this piece. All in all, a stable piece.

6/10


*Tyrael*
The first child intrigues me. 
The last line was powerful, in a wistful, melancholy way. 
I felt there should have been more evocative storytelling though. 

7.5/10


*Dr Bosky*
Haha, loved the acne part. The red flower imagery really stayed with me -  ? I?m a massive fan of metaphors, or just analogous writing in general, like you wouldn?t believe. And to find out the whole story is an extended metaphor?

9/10 


*Amnesia*
I was somewhat lost after a couple of paragraphs in ? but the fault could be entirely mine. I think it?s wonderful how you envisioned the playhouse to be a goblin? I?m jealous of imaginative people : <

I think if you tied the ending with the playhouse in some way, it would have been a lot more solid. I still love the goblin description though. 

6/10


*CTK*
This has wish-fulfillment written all over it, CTK. Fully understandable.  The diction, I reckon, is fantastic and the structure solid. 

However the only thing that irks me is the use of ?fucking? in the last paragraph ? this could be an extension of my slightly puritanical upbringing, but the informal word just doesn?t fit in with the sophisticated language employed throughout the rest of the story. Still an ace story though.
7/10


*CXAdee*
I like how you employed external techniques (italics and centering), independent from the actual story, to strengthen your piece. Like thinking outside the box.  

I guess I would?ve liked to see a slightly more situational plot, if you get what I?m saying. A stronger description of setting, characters, etc. This was like reading the abstract thoughts of someone?s diary, which is original, but restrictive in a sense. 

Also, did you mean ?what have I degenerated _into_??

Love your style. 

7/10


*Anonx*
We rarely stop to think what history a particular object or place might have, and how this might effect our perception of it? 
lovely

Also the last paragraph reminds me of when I was a detective fiction fanatic (still am admittedly )

Really enjoyed this piece. 

9/10


*Mider T*
This seemed like a nice excerpt of a bigger story ? it was missing something to make the story complete. 

I get a melancholic feel from it. I?m not even sure why, but I did. 

6.5/10


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Nov 20, 2008)

Like others in this thread i took english lit at college and i have since wondered how much of what we interpret from novels was infact our own bullshit. So im gonna state what i understood from the most complicated piece of them all, Amnesia's Yargh, and hope that she corrects me.

The initial description of a goblin was what the boy see's when he looks at the train tracks.

Devin is probably the little boys brother, at the very least he is his guardian.

"licking their lips" - this is a rather creative way of saying Devin is kissing girls in corners.

Devin was too busy with one of the girls to notice the her friends taking his little brother to the train tracks.

They tied the little boy to the train tracks and he has to free himself before the train comes along.

Judging from the mangled shoe the boy sees one of the girl's other victims was not so quick. 

The police come to investigate after the find the childs pieces.


----------



## Pan-on (Nov 20, 2008)

The Bloody Nine said:


> Like others in this thread i took english lit at college and i have since wondered how much of what we interpret from novels was infact our own bullshit. So im gonna state what i understood from the most complicated piece of them all, Amnesia's Yargh, and hope that she corrects me.
> 
> The initial description of a goblin was what the boy see's when he looks at the train tracks.
> 
> ...



I thought it was a little girl being left in front of the little house, as it fits the description of a goblin, I really like that.

What I didnt understand was why the police were there at the end.


----------



## Amnesia (Nov 20, 2008)

The Bloody Nine said:


> Like others in this thread i took english lit at college and i have since wondered how much of what we interpret from novels was infact our own bullshit. So im gonna state what i understood from the most complicated piece of them all, Amnesia's Yargh, and hope that she corrects me.
> 
> The initial description of a goblin was what the boy see's when he looks at the train tracks.
> 
> ...



Damn.  We must be on the same wavelength thought-wise or something, cause that was where I was going almost to a T. The only clarifications I can make (that I probably should have done to begin with) is that I chose the picture of the colorful little house. Only reason why I didn't go more explicit about the 'other victim' portion was due to the word count, course that's probably no excuse. 

English lit. courses have ruined us. 



			
				Anonx said:
			
		

> I thought it was a little girl being left in front of the little house, as it fits the description of a goblin, I really like that.
> 
> What I didnt understand was why the police were there at the end.



It really was vague on my part.  

But man, Anon, I have to say I really loved that image of the two children playing in the house while the raid sirens were going off. (I should have put this in the commentary I gave...) Was probably one of my favorite mini-scenes from this entire week I think.


----------



## Pan-on (Nov 20, 2008)

Amnesia said:


> Damn.  We must be on the same wavelength thought-wise or something, cause that was where I was going almost to a T. The only clarifications I can make (that I probably should have done to begin with) is that I chose the picture of the colorful little house. Only reason why I didn't go more explicit about the 'other victim' portion was due to the word count, course that's probably no excuse.
> 
> English lit. courses have ruined us.



there fun tho



Amnesia said:


> It really was vague on my part.
> 
> But man, Anon, I have to say I really loved that image of the two children playing in the house while the raid sirens were going off. (I should have put this in the commentary I gave...) Was probably one of my favorite mini-scenes from this entire week I think.



its funny, thats semi autobiographical, obviously I didn't play there during the war but I did learn to play chess properly in that little house many years ago.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 20, 2008)

On afterthought I don't even understand my piece let alone attempt anyone else's or Amnesia's. Maybe I am good for writing stuff only in the moment.


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Nov 20, 2008)

Amnesia said:


> We must be on the same wavelength thought-wise or something, cause that was where I was going almost to a T.





That's very nice of you to say so but i got the core of it completely and utterly wrong.

I guess i was right about imprinting our own bullshit at least.

What threw me off;



> I'd never heard of a yellow tongue. Not with rungs.
> 
> wooden plate



A train track has rungs (and they are made up of wood) and though the sand/dirt in the picture is unequivocally brown through the spring-time eyes of a little child maybe it can double up as yellow. Also, a train track leading to nowhere is far more sinister than a painted house-at least in my opinion.    

What's also pretty interesting is how well my interpretation fits despite me being completely wrong. Maybe i should have a go at Dr BK's piece. 



Adee said:


> On afterthought I don't even understand my piece let alone attempt anyone else's or Amnesia's. Maybe I am good for writing stuff only in the moment.


----------



## Tyrael (Nov 20, 2008)

Adee said:


> On afterthought I don't even understand my piece let alone attempt anyone else's or Amnesia's. Maybe I am good for writing stuff only in the moment.



I did get the feeling the idea was still being cultivated whilst it was being written and finished before it had a real solid direction.

Amnesia's piece, as I see it, is still confusing. It took me a few reads to get the goblin=clubhouse metaphor and I've got no idea what the police were about. I do applaud her for having a piece that is so open to interpretation.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 20, 2008)

Just like my life. No sordid direction.
I plan to join the army to inculcate some sense of discipline in me one of these days.


----------



## Tyrael (Nov 20, 2008)

Adee said:


> Just like my life. No sordid direction.
> I plan to join the army to inculcate some sense of discipline in me one of these days.



Direction is for the weak. 

*Result Time:*


*Spoiler*: __ 



3rd: Mashed Potato





*Spoiler*: __ 



2nd: AnonX





*Spoiler*: __ 



1st: Dr. Boskov Krevorkian




Congrats. to the winners. Here are the averages:


*Spoiler*: __ 



Shawny=6.225
Tyrael=7.525
Dr. Bk=8.3375
Ams=7.325
CTK=7.088888889
Adee=6.5625
Anon=7.9875
Mider T=6.644444444
Mashed Potato=7.7875


----------



## Garfield (Nov 20, 2008)

I think next time I'll put ratings up till 4th decimal precision.

Or maybe next time I'll give ratings in multiples of pi. Just to make it circular.


Also, how about making this discussion thread same for future FFs also? Or do we Need new threads?


----------



## Tyrael (Nov 20, 2008)

If that was the case, I think it would be good to make a reference post in the other thread for the ratings. If we did that I would be up for it.


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 20, 2008)

Yay.

Now give me one business week to pick a topic.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 20, 2008)

Tyrael said:


> If that was the case, I think it would be good to make a reference post in the other thread for the ratings. If we did that I would be up for it.


Or we could ask Dream Brotha to change the title of this thread each time.He doesn't seem too busy with this section aneeways 


Congress Rats Doc Bokkers.


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 20, 2008)

We need to discuss stuff. 

Elsewise, this thread becomes FlashFiction Contest Convo thread.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 20, 2008)

So.......this isn't the FF convo thread?


----------



## Mider T (Nov 20, 2008)

Hm, interesting.  So what is Boskov's prize?


----------



## Garfield (Nov 20, 2008)

Get 3 points for first place. He now has 14 I think. One more point and he can get a Big ass avatar.


----------



## Dream Brother (Nov 21, 2008)

> Also, how about making this discussion thread same for future FFs also?



So are we going to do this? I can (as Adee suggests) change the thread title each time we do a new FF, if you want.


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 22, 2008)

I think we should do that, but have a 'marker' post to designate which part of this mess is for which FlashFiction entry.  I think this thread is a great idea, so we should definitely keep it going.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 22, 2008)

Have you also noticed that with the advent of this thread, people got to discuss what they were doing and more people got motivated with my awesome pointless spamming here and posted their FFs.
So I definitely support this thread.


It was my plan carried out through Tyrael, I tell you.


----------



## Tyrael (Nov 22, 2008)

Yeah, I've been reduced to memes. Ah well.

I support this project.


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Nov 22, 2008)

When's gonna be the next Flash-Fic


----------



## Tyrael (Nov 23, 2008)

When Boskov uploads those songs and starts the thread. The LD ain't a good place for concrete deadlines.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 23, 2008)

In seven minutes, if Bosko hasn't uploaded them we should castrate him.


----------



## sel (Nov 23, 2008)

If his upload speed falls below 50kb/s then the bus will blow up.


----------



## Pan-on (Nov 23, 2008)

aww boo my name isnt in the title anymore, I dont feel special.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 24, 2008)

Doc the name of the file shows up in the links


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 24, 2008)

Yeah, I know.  There wasn't any way around it that I cared to do.

If you're truly creative, you'll ignore them.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 24, 2008)

You could have copied the 3 files to a different folder, renamed  them and then uploaded them


----------



## Pan-on (Nov 24, 2008)

MUAHAHAHAHA I KNOW THE NAMES OF THE SONGS AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO

*is listening now*

EDIT - I take it you aren't changing the word limit then?


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 24, 2008)

Adee said:


> You could have copied the 3 files to a different folder, renamed  them and then uploaded them



I said that I cared to do. 



Anonx said:


> MUAHAHAHAHA I KNOW THE NAMES OF THE SONGS AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO
> 
> *is listening now*
> 
> EDIT - I take it you aren't changing the word limit then?



FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Not as of yet; I actually hadn't thought of it.  >_>


----------



## Garfield (Nov 24, 2008)

How selfish Doc. I mean, wait...that wasn't even selfish.


Oh hey how about making the limit 500 this time Doc?


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 24, 2008)

Yeah, I was just about to change it to 500, and see how it goes.

Seeing as how I have one person's approval, I'll do it.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 24, 2008)

You have the girl in my sig's approval too.


----------



## Tyrael (Nov 24, 2008)

.m4a?


----------



## Pan-on (Nov 24, 2008)

lol @501 words


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 24, 2008)

Adee said:


> You have the girl in my sig's approval too.







Tyrael said:


> .m4a?



Zune's format. 

You can convert it with your player of choice. 



Anonx said:


> lol @501 words





I thought I'd spice it up.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 24, 2008)

Use iTunes Tyrael.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 24, 2008)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


>



I didn't mean approval for sex with her you pervert


----------



## Tyrael (Nov 24, 2008)

Right, got it working. Wow, I fail at technology.


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 24, 2008)

Well, I normally store my music in mp3 format for this very reason, but since I can't find the cable to my external, I had to take it off my Zune.


----------



## sel (Nov 24, 2008)

501 words? I don't think I'll even listen to the songs and just title my piece _Wankery_


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 24, 2008)

You guys are lucky; I could have gone off and chosen songs from Basilica, Peter Brontzman and Ian Xenakis.  That would have have been fun.


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Nov 24, 2008)

So the songs are up? I guess I will check it out.


----------



## sel (Nov 29, 2008)

Finally shat it out (My FF, not my dinner). In doing so I listened to the song in question 17 times according to last.fm ><
**
You had reminded me Andy, though, how much I love Perdition City <3


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 29, 2008)

lol I knew you'd choose Ulver.


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Nov 29, 2008)

I think I need to sit this one out.


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 29, 2008)

Why? **


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Nov 29, 2008)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Why? **



I don't know, the music thing seems daunting to me. Plus I have been on a roll lately. I might give it a second try.


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 29, 2008)

Cardboard Tube Knight said:


> I don't know, the music thing seems daunting to me. Plus I have been on a roll lately. I might give it a second try.



That's the idea; it's called a challenge for a reason.


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Nov 29, 2008)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> That's the idea; it's called a challenge for a reason.



A challenge you say...then it must be!


----------



## sel (Nov 29, 2008)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> lol I knew you'd choose Ulver.



Haha. Not only because I'd heard it before though.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 29, 2008)

Mai thingie iz up doods. 
I dunno, again, it was a somewhat whimsical effort.


----------



## Tyrael (Nov 29, 2008)

Whimsy is good. Wait 'till you see mine.

My piece was something that may, well, stick out. I kinda want to see what people think of it.

In fact I'm really fucking tentative about it.

2nd edit: Damn it sel. Just damn it.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 30, 2008)

What's with the fucking drought in pieces?  Bring your writing Christmas spirit out guys.


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 30, 2008)

I'm going to wait (and inevitably extend the deadline) and see which song is most underused, and run with that one; I know each song by heart (and in 3s case, both musically and lyrically), so it's not so much which one strikes me the most, but which one needs more love 'cause I'm seeing a certain trend with number 1.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 30, 2008)

I broke all trends and ran with a 1+3 combo Doc


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 30, 2008)

I noticed. 

I think 3 may be the most underused, but we'll see.


----------



## Garfield (Nov 30, 2008)

I was originally going to go only with #3.


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 30, 2008)

Hmmm

It's a tie between 2 and 3 right now, for most underused; we'll see what happens in the next few days.


----------



## Pan-on (Nov 30, 2008)

mine will be up tomorrow most likely, and it will be AMAZING  just you wait


----------



## Garfield (Nov 30, 2008)

Anonx said:


> mine will be up tomorrow most likely, and it will be AMAZING  just you wait


But will it be as amazing as the Spider money man story?


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 1, 2008)

Adee said:


> But will it be as amazing as the Spider money man story?



He's not superman dude.


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Dec 1, 2008)

This FF is alot harder than i thought. I don't know how i can fit a story into 300 words.

Anyhow i'm off to school.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 1, 2008)

Everyone finds that when starting out, nice fic.

I'm going to read it again, and try and understand it this time.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 1, 2008)

The next time around I'm attempting  a comedy

EDIT - Winner needs to choose a topic of which I can make fun of!!


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 1, 2008)

The more inappropriate the theme the better.



Yes, I'm actually proud of that one.


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 1, 2008)

Adee said:


> But will it be as amazing as the Spider money man story?



you would never know because the world would implode



> Winner needs to choose a topic of which I can make fun of!!



ok


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 1, 2008)

Ehh, mine's up, for better or worse.


----------



## sel (Dec 1, 2008)

It's rather interesting to note that in a music-driven theme, counting was prevalent in half the entries. At least to me it is.


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Dec 1, 2008)

sel said:


> It's rather interesting to note that in a music-driven theme, counting was prevalent in half the entries. At least to me it is.



Sel...you rotten bastard.  

Wasn't Tyrael just counting words?


----------



## sel (Dec 1, 2008)

Sorry? I don't follow what you mean.

He had the 2, 3, 4 across his piece if you look.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 1, 2008)

sel said:


> It's rather interesting to* note* that in a music-driven theme, counting was prevalent in half the entries. At least to me it is.



Pun?


----------



## sel (Dec 1, 2008)

Ooh la, a rather plucky individual you are Andy.
**


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 1, 2008)

just to be different mine wont be anything to do with music 

also it should be up in the next hour or so.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 1, 2008)

Anonx said:


> just to be different mine wont be anything to do with music
> 
> also it should be up in the next hour or so.



Wait, what?


----------



## Garfield (Dec 1, 2008)

sel said:


> Ooh la, a rather *plucky* individual you are Andy.
> **


You're just full of it today 

**


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Dec 1, 2008)

sel said:


> Sorry? I don't follow what you mean.
> 
> He had the 2, 3, 4 across his piece if you look.



It was a joke about how good your story was. 

And I thought the numbers were actually him counting the words in the story.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 1, 2008)

Anonx said:


> just to be different mine wont be anything to do with music



Read mine


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 1, 2008)

Adee said:


> Read mine



il be more different 

for some reason all the music isnt on my laptop anymore, re-download time yay


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 1, 2008)

Your heathen ways have purged them from your Harddrive


----------



## Garfield (Dec 1, 2008)

Hey Doc, if you can forward me the respective albums...................................................................................................


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 1, 2008)

WHAT ALBUMS?

I KNOW NOT OF WHAT YOU SPEAK


----------



## Garfield (Dec 1, 2008)

Fine, I found them myself


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 2, 2008)

done done, im not sure I achieved what i was going for or even if I did, if its at all graspable but its done. Its fairly different from my normal stuff I think.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 2, 2008)

Love the conversation Anon!


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 2, 2008)

Who says we close the contest after today? Not sure if anyone else is gonna enter.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 2, 2008)

I'm fine with that; there are more entries than I expected, and there's a nice even spread of songs.

I'm surprised all the Ulver-^ (not the meaning of the word "respect".) didn't swoop down and overwhelm the FF.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 2, 2008)

Also announcing a second deadline sometimes scares ditherers into making an entry.

I=evil mastermind.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 2, 2008)

We've extend it by, what, 1 day?  That's an LD record.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 2, 2008)

I blame you.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 2, 2008)

I haven't seen a DB FlashFiction in awhile.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 2, 2008)

He told me he's considering entering.

Now that I've written that DB you're pretty much obligated to write an entry. It's on the forum.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 2, 2008)

I think we should get some trolls to participate sometime. Next time the topic should be comedy!!


----------



## sel (Dec 2, 2008)

> I haven't seen a DB FlashFiction in awhile.



We're like followers queuing up outside bookshop at midnight waiting to get the last Harry Potter book. Feed our hunger Dreamboat!

(Say what you say about the series. All is forgiven in my eyes purely because of that. People camp for hours outside cinemas for a premiere, malls for massive sales, but a book? Never would I have thought that)


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 2, 2008)

sel said:


> We're like followers queuing up outside bookshop at midnight waiting to get the last Harry Potter book. Feed our hunger Dreamboat!
> 
> (Say what you say about the series. All is forgiven in my eyes purely because of that. People camp for hours outside cinemas for a premiere, malls for massive sales, but a book? Never would I have thought that)



I queued for the last one, it was hilarious, all the drunks kept passing by and asking about "the golden squirrel"

i also saw one of my teachers.


----------



## sel (Dec 2, 2008)

I queued for 6 & 7 actually, and read 'em solidly until 4am before falling asleep on the book.


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 2, 2008)

sel said:


> I queued for 6 & 7 actually, and read 'em solidly until 4am before falling asleep on the book.



i didnt btoher to queue for 6 i just turned up after midnight.

i just sat and finished them before going to bed, good times.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 2, 2008)

And I considered myself sad for reading it 3 or 4 days after it came out. I had to finish whatever it was I was reading first. I rushed the 6th one so I could start _The Great Hunt_ (which was awesome).

I read _The Great Hunt_ in 2 days actually. It was 800-900 pages long.


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 2, 2008)

Tyrael said:


> And I considered myself sad for reading it 3 or 4 days after it came out. I had to finish whatever it was I was reading first. I rushed the 6th one so I could start _The Great Hunt_ (which was awesome).
> 
> I read _The Great Hunt_ in 2 days actually. It was 800-900 pages long.



some twat took the 3rd book out of the library and was late in giving it back when i was reading them, when he did i already had the 4th and 5th book out and i finished all 3 one weekend.

what in gods name happend to my attention span?


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 2, 2008)

I've just remembered how much I love Jordan. I want to reread the first four-but that's roughly 3500 pages in all.

Heh.

But I bet you could still do that with Harry Potter-they are easy enough to spam.


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 2, 2008)

lol spam reading


----------



## sel (Dec 2, 2008)

Tyrael said:


> And I considered myself sad for reading it 3 or 4 days after it came out. I had to finish whatever it was I was reading first. I rushed the 6th one so I could start _The Great Hunt_ (which was awesome).
> 
> I read _The Great Hunt_ in 2 days actually. It was 800-900 pages long.



Ty, being sad takes years of practice. One day you might outclass me but for now you'll just have to accept my superiority.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 2, 2008)

Pah, you guys should transcend to the state of perpetual uber sadness I've achieved.

I almost like Nicole Ritchie. That sad.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 2, 2008)

(Should I feel proud to ask this question?)

Who?


----------



## Garfield (Dec 2, 2008)

ugggggh


----------



## Lord Yu (Dec 2, 2008)

Get  laid.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 2, 2008)

Such an idea is anathema to sad bastards such as us.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 2, 2008)

It's catch 23 for me.

Yes, 23!


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 2, 2008)

I'm ready to close this one.

What say you?


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 2, 2008)

I would say give it a few more hours. I take it has just gone Tuesday where you are?


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 2, 2008)

Tyrael said:


> I would say give it a few more hours. I take it has just gone Tuesday where you are?



There is less than 3 hours of Tuesday left here.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 3, 2008)

So we start reviewing stuff now?


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 3, 2008)

it seems so.

even if someone enters late its not like you cant just rate them too.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 3, 2008)

Yeah; I think this one is pretty much done.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 3, 2008)

My ratings - 

Everyone else : 1/10
Adee : 10/10 (I think you had some really interesting points that blasted any competition you might have had. I disagree with the Pain = less powerful part, but still, gd thry)


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 4, 2008)

Adee-6/10
This has flow to the language which you immediately disrupt with bad syntax and grammar.  You seem to be a bit ambivalent with your narrative voice; it switches somewhat schizophrenically between direct line of thought and a more descriptive first person. Towards the end, and in the very fractured first sentence, you gave us a lot of nice images and the pretence was an original one, but unfortunately this piece was marred by stylistic flaws.

Sel-9/10
There was a strong sense of atmosphere and purpose in this, on top of the fact that you achieve a genuine feel to the narrator. There were a few times the syntax tripped up a bit though and felt a bit clumsy. Still I love the repeated reference to music and the way you used religion to symbolically underpin the piece, thus adding a lot of depth to it. No idea how you keep pulling these things out.

Tyrael-1/10
Lol, wut?

Cardboard Tube Knight-6/10
I think this was a solid piece stylistically, your abilities with language have shown a steady increase and you strike a good balance between subtlety and vividness. Keeping the ending ambiguous was a good move too. Other than that it seems a bit passive-not much to say about, certainly nothing that makes it stick out. Didn’t really get a feel of the character, the use of traps did not seem to have any real point and it did not feel self contained.

The Bloody Nine-8/10
A very impressive entry-you keep the style short and fractured with simple language but this seems very much appropriate to the story you are writing. The originality of the ideas and how your symbolism is ingrained with the actual events is fantastic. The only real complaint I have is how strongly you come across with the sci-fi elements at the end, which raise questions and leave the piece feeling too short and unresolved. Leaving your readers unfulfilled at the end of a standalone piece is a big grievance, and it would have worked had you given it a more simplistic or abstract ending.

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian-10/10
I kept losing track of what was going because this piece had me so engrossed. Oddly enough, though, I really didn’t care.

AnonX-7.5/10
I enjoyed this piece alot, although your style does need a lot of polish and there are a few typos that stick out.  The ideas you implement in this piece and the sense that there is not one word wasted, however, here really does go a long way to make up for that. It is an interesting idea, of a hero that almost was, and resonated despite the style falling on the side of unremarkable.

Amnesia-9/10
I felt you did well going down a more simplistic route this time, as everything in this piece seems to blend perfectly together. In the hands of a less skilled writer a lot of your language would come off as extravagant and distract a reader, but you use it to draw us into this piece subtly. The way you explore its contents is noticeably understated too, culminating in a brilliant ending.

_Can I just note that this week's entries by Ams, Doc and sel all drained me of the will to write. Possibly it is a good thing DB never entered (although if you're reading this DB you're still obligated to make a last minute entry that I can edit into my ratings)._


----------



## Garfield (Dec 4, 2008)

> bad syntax and grammar





> marred by stylistic flaws.



FFFFFFFF

high school deja vu...


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 4, 2008)

Adee said:


> FFFFFFFF
> 
> high school deja vu...



If it's any consolation I got an essay back from my uni today that said I had quite a good structure and analysed the arguments well yet my quality of writing was "appalling". I got 40%.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 4, 2008)

That just makes me feel worse since I'm  appalling compared to you even T_T


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 4, 2008)

Trust me, my academic writing deserves that title.

And I reckon with a bit more practice and polish your narrative/creative style can easily surpass mine. I'm really quite a vanilla writer.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 4, 2008)

That would be never considering Flash fics is the only practice I get.

Is anyone else considering a comic Flash fic next, other than me?


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 4, 2008)

I've already done two comic flashfics-I think you just need to interpret the theme in the right way. The more inappropriate the better if you ask me.

But if you wanna see which one of us can do the better comic FF for the next tournament I'd be up for that. A head-to-head within the contest.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 4, 2008)

You'll win the wit but ok, some competition will help me!
You're on.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 4, 2008)

I won't lie: I relish a bit of competition (hence why I like the FFs). I did propose making it more competitive, but beyond putting some system where it makes people directly go head-to-head.

Although we may have accidentally stumbled upon a system to make that work.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 4, 2008)

That's quite alright, I inspire innovation in you all


----------



## sel (Dec 4, 2008)

> If it's any consolation I got an essay back from my uni today that said I had quite a good structure and analysed the arguments well yet my quality of writing was "appalling". I got 40%.



I remember last year after handing in the first my History Paper (30% of that year), I walked past my teacher the following day. On seeing me he came up to me and said soemthing along the lines of, 'Abbas, your history paper...' Me being oblivious, and still very happy that I'd finished it in good time replied, 'Yes? Was it any good?'

'Good? It was terrible! It honestly depressed me to read it last night!'

Got a C in the final one after many days and hours worth of work, but got full marks in the end of year paper worth 40% which I started revising for 3 days before. Life's weird like that sometimes isn't it?



> I've already done two comic flashfics-I think you just need to interpret the theme in the right way. The more inappropriate the better if you ask me.
> 
> But if you wanna see which one of us can do the better comic FF for the next tournament I'd be up for that. A head-to-head within the contest.



A comic one would be nice actually, though the themes which have allowed me to write about all things serious and depressing have worked well for me, oh well...

I'd actually like something more akin to our first theme, Dead Politician, which actually gave us all a plot to write abuot as opposed to a concept, something which we haven't actually had since then.

Edit: Will probably rate when I get home, the songs are on my PC there.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 4, 2008)

It's not like highschool grading rubrics are indicative of actual merit or anything; my teachers give out As on the papers I do during my lunch break, and give me Cs on the papers I actually put effort and forethought into.  It's a frighteningly bad way of positively reinforcing my to procrastinate to the last humanly possible minute, and get good grades.  

Math, on the other hand; I get bad grades whether I spend an entire evening trying to work out the problems, or take my best guess and write something down on the way to class.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 4, 2008)

lol Math
I can't ever be arsed to do that subject, it's too damn hard. The only thing I've ever wanted to study was assets.

Like ladies' assets.
non monetary.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 4, 2008)

I don't understand my rating. 

Some girls have more assets than others.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 4, 2008)

Unfortunately I can't afford to fail at university level. It looks like I'm heading towards a big one though.

And I don't understand how you can write so well.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 4, 2008)

I was eating Apple Turnover Yogurt when I wrote it.   

I don't either.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 4, 2008)

I think it's coz you're Engurish and we're Japanese, Doc


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 4, 2008)

*Attempts to say something in Japanese*

I'm a failure of a weeaboo.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 4, 2008)

It's ok Ty, say anything, DOc won't understand it's not Japanese.

Doc check your VM now


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 4, 2008)

Engrish is awesome.

I did lol; I tried to reply, but yours either don't work or are disabled.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 4, 2008)

Ach, yer a bunch o' glaickit, drouthy sarks.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 4, 2008)

They only work for those in the friend list and aparently you aren't ....


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 4, 2008)

What is a VM?


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 4, 2008)

Virulent malevolence?

Vicious Mallard?

Vicious Malcontent?  

Volatile Miscreant?


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 4, 2008)

Vicarious Maladjustment?


----------



## Garfield (Dec 4, 2008)

Violent Masturbation


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 4, 2008)

You just had to spoil our fun by getting serious, didn't you?


----------



## Garfield (Dec 4, 2008)

Fapping is srs bzns?


I imagine what it must be if someone burst out laughing while at the highest point in sex. That would be funny


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 4, 2008)

I daren't imagine. It would either be hilarious or disconcerting.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 6, 2008)

That's the second review of mine that I don't understand.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 6, 2008)

I think you guys just don't get the brilliance of my piece


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 6, 2008)

Adee said:


> I think you guys just don't get the brilliance of my piece


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Dec 6, 2008)

I have no idea how that fits in with the conversation but those panels where hilarious. Or maybe its coursework stress.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 6, 2008)

If I'm understanding the insinuation correct, I'm the gun in the thing right?


----------



## sel (Dec 7, 2008)

A point you brought up Ty with regards to the Bloody Nine's piece, how it was a hindrance for him to actually introduce some semblance of a plot.

Whilst I do agree with you in the respect that it's something pretty damn difficult to do in 400 words, you have got me thinking actually. I think maybe only two, posibly three of the pieces are actually plot driven, something thats' rather scarce compared to the earlier ones.

Not sure what the point of it is, just an observation really.

Thank you very much Amnesia & Ty by the way. I'll add that the 'evening sky' he saw was in the world of his consciousness and not the physical world his body's in, but possibly I was just obtuse in getting that point across.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 7, 2008)

sel said:


> A point you brought up Ty with regards to the Bloody Nine's piece, how it was a hindrance for him to actually introduce some semblance of a plot.
> 
> Whilst I do agree with you in the respect that it's something pretty damn difficult to do in 400 words, you have got me thinking actually. I think maybe only two, posibly three of the pieces are actually plot driven, something thats' rather scarce compared to the earlier ones.
> 
> ...



My point as that it was kind of dropped in over the last few paragraphs, without any real hope of resolution or explanation. It's important in such a small piece to make sure the plot is well balanced and kept sharp, and it felt more like a distraction.

And it is no problem, your piece worked well.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 7, 2008)

It seems experiment failed.


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 7, 2008)

il get my rating up tomorrow maybe, i have essays to write and things


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Dec 7, 2008)

Tyrael said:


> My point as that it was kind of dropped in over the last few paragraphs, without any real hope of resolution or explanation. It's important in such a small piece to make sure the plot is well balanced and kept sharp, and it felt more like a distraction.



True enough. I wrote out the whole story and it came out to six hundred plus words, so i had to hack it down mercilessly. Your right though - i should i have changed the ending instead of cutting down the story. 

Also sorry for posting my review over in the thread itself - everyone else was doing it though.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 7, 2008)

I'm behind times. 

I think that either thread is fine for feedback though.

And as sel said, a plot centric FF is a very hard thing to attempt-overall I very much enjoyed your piece.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 7, 2008)

I'm going to concur with the sentiment about plot driven pieces; they are fantastic, but whenever I even attempt them, I have to lop off limbs left and right in order to achieve the necessary word-length.  If done right, it can be fantastic, but it's often too difficult to do it correctly.

----

We should do the next FF as something horribly specific.


----------



## sel (Dec 7, 2008)

The most plot-driven title I think was the _Dead Politician_ one I think.

But yeah Choose one when you win Andy


----------



## Garfield (Dec 7, 2008)

No ....... comedy?


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 7, 2008)

sel said:


> The most plot-driven title I think was the _Dead Politician_ one I think.
> 
> But yeah Choose one when you win Andy





Adee said:


> No ....... comedy?



Dead Gynecologist?


----------



## Garfield (Dec 7, 2008)

*"A Day in the life of George Bush"
*


Wait, that's just a 10 word essay.....


----------



## sel (Dec 7, 2008)

> Dead Gynecologist?



The foetus came out with such force that the poor soul never stood a chance.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 7, 2008)

Musta been Arnold Schwarzenneger


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Dec 7, 2008)

Adee said:


> Musta been Arnold Schwarzenneger



That would have made for one hell of a CV.

Bodybuilder
Actor
Governor
Gynacologist

All he is missing at this point is Gourmet Chef and Cigerette lighter repair man.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 7, 2008)

> All he is missing at this point is *Gourmet Chef* and Cigerette lighter repair man.


He grills them robots neat though.


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Dec 7, 2008)

Adee said:


> He grills them robots neat though.



I bet they taste just like chips. 


*Spoiler*: __


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 7, 2008)

why dont we have a christmas story FF?

like a "the elf who tried to move above his station" type thing lol


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 7, 2008)

^This.

I think doing comedy as a theme would end up as everyone twisting it and it would become as depressing as always.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 7, 2008)

The Flash Fictive Carroll 

Dashing through the keyboard
On a one half arse idea
I write down my flashfic
laughing all the way
Tonnes of cocktail drinks
Drinking spirits high
Oh what fun it is to write
one half arse idea away!

Hey Dream Brotha Dream brotha
spread some points on the way
modfuck is coming around
on a fuckin' snails pace, yay, yay!


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 7, 2008)

Anonx said:


> why dont we have a christmas story FF?
> 
> like a "the elf who tried to move above his station" type thing lol



A Gynecologist Christmas?


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 7, 2008)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> A Gynecologist Christmas?



your not trying to subtly let us know you got a job are you?


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 9, 2008)

Alright, I know I haven't rated, but I'm probably going to close this tonight (for me).

If you plan to rate, do it quickly; this has been open for plenty of time, so I think anyone who intended to rate has already done so.  I'd also like to put forth my incredibly original and surprising topic for the next FF out. 

gogogogogogo


----------



## Garfield (Dec 9, 2008)

In light of my abysmal results in the experiment, I'll forgo the rating 

In other words everyone else gets a 10


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Dec 9, 2008)

Oh for fucks sake you guys you don't have to comment and leave feedback. Others have done that already. Isn't part of this whole process the peer-review.Just leave numbers !


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 9, 2008)

oh yeah forgot about this, il go do it now


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 9, 2008)

DUM DA DA DUM DUM DAAAAAAAA

Without further Adee


*Spoiler*: __ 



is that a mistake in the first line? _The sunrise in far east_ sounds odd

anyway, I liked the way this fitted the music but the short disjointed sentences made it a little difficult to make out whats going on and its seems more like a list of metaphors than a story at some points. That said i like the middle part where there about to go, that part fits the fast short sentenced style much better than the rest.

7/10





Sel help


*Spoiler*: __ 



As always your writing flows incredibly well and is enjoyable to read however I prefer some of your earlier stuff when you had a real plot, they seemed to have more substance to them . It was still a good piece though with some really nice almost musical lines.

8/10

im assuming this is a mistake as well _I'm either destined to either break free, or eternally search for my salvation_




Tie ree


*Spoiler*: __ 



This flows really well, the pacing is ecellent although there are a few clumsy phrases. I especially like the beginning. The whole thing reminds me of little bits of a silent film being shown. You still have a little bit of a habit of telling what characters are feeling rather than showing albeit in a slightly more subtle way than most people do

8/10 




Wooden Cylinder Squire


*Spoiler*: __ 



Your language is fine, your pacing is good and your writing flows pretty well but my main problem with this piece is that the quest or adventure type story doesn't quite work with such a short piece, it needs longer to develop a sense of tension and character development that that type of literature thrives off of. Also you should avoid starting multiple sentences one after the other with "she".

7/10





The secret seven

*Spoiler*: __ 




I really like the beginning of this, it flows so well, this part especially "I float in an ocean of oblivion for eternity. Then I bump into a drifting sliver of sentience. A process begins;

I find more slivers. I hoard them. Gradually I have enough to build a raft. Then an Island.

Eventually I have enough to craft a Thought; "

which reminded me of the beginning of this song which im fond of.
[CLIKY][/QUOTE]

but then the ending didnt work for me, i see what you were going for but it seemed to me, too much of a change too quickly especially with the 2 large paragraphs taking over from the short lines. Aside from that your language is fine and your pacing was great until the end.

7.8/10





Dr No


*Spoiler*: __ 



Great language use once again, some very clever phrases in there and the tone is set wonderfully but I felt it lacked something that was in your previous work, wlthough im not sure what.  It is very musical which is nice but I think it would have actually been better had it been shorter

8/10



unlike an elephant

*Spoiler*: __ 




lovely use of words, flows to a rythem which is very fun to read although I think at points you use a few too many words which can take away from the effect. Id like to see more plot based peices from you, if you can work your way with words around that im sure it will be great

8.10




thats all folks


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 10, 2008)

Adee said:


> In light of my abysmal results in the experiment, I'll forgo the rating
> 
> In other words everyone else gets a 10



Dude, my average over the contests is 5.6ish. Take it from someone who knows what losing, badly at that, is: just keep writing.

Although, I think the comments thing is prerequisite; even we have gotten rather lax as of late.


----------



## sel (Dec 12, 2008)

Could we do something about resolving this by the way? Something involving the people who haven't given feedback doing so would be nice actually, though that might just be a teensy bit unreasonable demanding on my part. Hm.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 12, 2008)

Fuckkkkkkkkk

I keep forgetting about this.  

I'll do it, then close it.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 12, 2008)

Do you think you could wait till tomorrow Doc?


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 12, 2008)

I say we let this turd badger walk.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 12, 2008)

et tu        Ty?


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 12, 2008)

I rated lol

Now what?


----------



## Garfield (Dec 12, 2008)

et tu Bokkers?


----------



## sel (Dec 12, 2008)

> IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU MOD ABBAS?



You only gave me 9, so no.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 12, 2008)

I should have given everyone else 1, so I could win.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 12, 2008)

Adee said:


> et tu        Ty?



Possibly.



Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I rated lol
> 
> Now what?



Now we feast on the bones of our ancestors.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 12, 2008)

Looks like Sel / Amnesia's winning...

I want comedy >.<


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 12, 2008)

*Slaps a pie in Adee's face*

You better enjoy it, that was my tea.


----------



## sel (Dec 12, 2008)

Adee said:


> Looks like Sel / Amnesia's winning...
> 
> I want comedy >.<



You mean I missed Boskov's assassination?

(Sorry, that was just a poor excuse for me to type ass twice)


----------



## Garfield (Dec 12, 2008)

-Takes home free pie-

I'm broke lol

@sel - Wait till my serious ratings are put up.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 12, 2008)

Sel's an ass man, huh?


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 12, 2008)

He's really that bad a superhero?


----------



## Garfield (Dec 12, 2008)

I always imagine how it would sound if the song ScatMan was sung Ass Man instead


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 12, 2008)

I see how it is;

Adee plans to ruin me.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 12, 2008)

Ruin Adees to plan me.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 12, 2008)

Ladies first Doc, sel and Amnesia should win.


(sorry sel )


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 12, 2008)

I love this strange myth that says people grow up. They don't really.

And I'm finished my weirdness.


----------



## Amnesia (Dec 12, 2008)

^^Maturity is overrated anyway.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 12, 2008)

Matur.... I forget how that goes.
18 till I die


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 13, 2008)

Hurry up, Adee.

I want the next FlashFic.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 13, 2008)

I've had mine up for over a day now


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 13, 2008)

Well then I'm going to close it.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 13, 2008)

Sure thing Dokkers.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 13, 2008)

Jesus, Adee; having fun with the decimal places?

FF ratings averages up in a few.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 13, 2008)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> *Jesus, Adee*; having fun with the decimal places?



And I see you're having fun with me


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 14, 2008)

I punned.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 14, 2008)

COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 14, 2008)

It's not like you can't make it comical regardless of subject.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 14, 2008)

You've never made sense to my 2 cc brain


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 14, 2008)

Hey guys, you'll never guess what I chose as a topic.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 14, 2008)

Could have chosen "In the Summertime", but noooooo


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 14, 2008)

I should have chosen something like "...and then my goldfish died."


----------



## Garfield (Dec 14, 2008)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> "...and then my goldfish died."



While my shark gently weeps


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 14, 2008)

I should have mine up tomorrow-ish.

If I win again () I'll do something goofy.

So that means it's going to be up to somebody else to make it goofy.


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 15, 2008)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I should have mine up tomorrow-ish.
> 
> If I win again () I'll do something goofy.
> 
> So that means it's going to be up to somebody else to make it goofy.



aye aye sir :xzaru


----------



## Garfield (Dec 15, 2008)

In the .0000001% chance that I win, next topic is going to be, "Bollocks"


----------



## Lord Yu (Dec 15, 2008)

Why not buttocks?


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 15, 2008)

So you've been in this contest a quarter of the time I have been and you're already three times more likely to win?


----------



## Garfield (Dec 15, 2008)

lol Ty, you've already garnered a few points on the leaderboard.

Why so rear Yu?


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 15, 2008)

I had to steal a fair few of them though (don't tell anyone).

I'm the eternal 4/5th placer. It used to be me and sel who would fight over those two places-and normally sel winning-before he took a hiatus and came back as a big uberwriter type thing.

True story.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 15, 2008)

this reminds me, sel the mute has a pretty good voice. Not at all Indian like I expected it to be. Didn't even seem quite British...

We need to have a flashfiction recital contest at LD. Read your FFs, upload to web and post them!


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Dec 15, 2008)

Adee said:


> We need to have a flashfiction recital contest at LD. Read your FFs, upload to web and post them!



See, its this unlimited potential for creative genius that keeps drawing me back to this place. 

That and the wankery.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 15, 2008)

Yay, you get to hear me slur my way inelegantly through an FF. Or maybe I should just augment a Scottish accent to the point where I'm indiscernible.

Although, I don't have anyway of recording it.

The creative genius is what draws you in, the wankery is what stops you from leaving.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 15, 2008)

I love hearing y'all Britfags' accent!

If any of you has something similar to the hosts of Top Gear, I'm wanting to buy your throat!!!!!!


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 15, 2008)

Clarkson has an awesome voice. It's by far his biggest weapon when it comes to the presenting, although he's a damn amusing chap too.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 15, 2008)

Those three's combo works wonders.
Hammond is awesome. Dude tried the Renault F1. Shows how hard those cars really are >_>


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 15, 2008)

Yeah, there is a channel over here that just shows endless repeats that my brother endlessly watches. I've seen quite a lot of the episodes to death now. Great program though.

What I caught of yesterday's show looked good though, still need to catch up with it due to this bloody report.


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 15, 2008)

lol im AWFUL at reading things aloud, I read far faster than i can talk and i get tougue tied

not to mention the fact that I have far more of an accent than I think I have and I only notice when its recorded


----------



## Garfield (Dec 15, 2008)

It would be awesome hearing you all, you're just making me more and more curious!


----------



## sel (Dec 15, 2008)

Adee said:


> this reminds me, sel the mute has a pretty good voice. Not at all Indian like I expected it to be. Didn't even seem quite British...
> 
> We need to have a flashfiction recital contest at LD. Read your FFs, upload to web and post them!



When did you listen to my voice?

/feels stalked xD


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 15, 2008)

My entry's up.


----------



## sel (Dec 15, 2008)

I plan to write the most cheesy, kitsch, heartwarming Xmas thing ever.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 15, 2008)

And I plan to rate you to oblivion.


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## sel (Dec 15, 2008)

Hey, we can't all write detached, "cool" depressive stories.

(Not actually read your by the way...)


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## Buskuv (Dec 15, 2008)

I'll await yours, then. 

Save mine until you rate.


----------



## Lord Yu (Dec 15, 2008)

I think I might try something this time. But I doubt it.

Phrases set me off better than solid themes.


----------



## Psallo a Cappella (Dec 15, 2008)

So . . . if I wanted to "enter", would I just follow the guidelines and post? 

It feels so simple. 

And I need to rate someone else? One person, or all of them?


----------



## Amnesia (Dec 15, 2008)

^^ Yup, that's about all there is to it. And as for ratings, you usually end up rating/giving feedback on everyone else's FF for the 'week' (save your own) and the gesture will hopefully be returned. Go for it! =)


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## Garfield (Dec 16, 2008)

@Miss - Rating is a game, whoever is feeling most original during evaluation period will post their ratings and then the following people have to just try and twist the former's words a bit as they go and post it as their own, thus trying to look original.


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## Pan-on (Dec 16, 2008)

im half tempted to wrie a silly story about the festive spider and half tempted to write a more serious story about growing up and christmas...hmmm


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## The Bloody Nine (Dec 16, 2008)

sel said:


> I plan to write the most cheesy, kitsch, heartwarming Xmas thing ever.





sel said:


> Hey, we can't all write detached, "cool" depressive stories.



Right there with you.

Edit - I just read DR BK's post. Holy fucking shit man! That was awesome!


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 16, 2008)

I just had fun with mine.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 16, 2008)

I'm going to pull something right outta my arse on this one.


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## Buskuv (Dec 16, 2008)

I wonder if anyone will get the blatantly stolen song lyric in there.


----------



## sel (Dec 17, 2008)

Started writing something, but was too long so ended up putting it in the blog. Check it out if you feel like it.

Will proofread later, I'm too hungry now


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## Buskuv (Dec 19, 2008)

No one else intends to rate?  I feel so bad for choosing such a kitsch topic.


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## Pan-on (Dec 20, 2008)

il write something later today, right now i need some breakfast


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## Psallo a Cappella (Dec 21, 2008)

AAH.
I'm half-done, and now I'm stuck.


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## The Bloody Nine (Dec 22, 2008)

Oi Dr BK can you give me like 12 hours before you close the thread. I'll have something up by then .


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 22, 2008)

We need at least five entries before we can close the thread anyway. Expect me to squeeze something out soon.


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## Pan-on (Dec 22, 2008)

im trying too


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## Buskuv (Dec 22, 2008)

I'm not going to close it with 3 entries lol

Go ahead, we never close on time.


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Dec 22, 2008)

Meh. I keep writing shit but there is no way i can fit it in under 501 words. I think i have given up. 

Sorry. 

As way of recompense i leave you this synopsis of Hal Duncan's Escape From Hell

_a hitman, a hooker, a hobo and a homo die and go to Hell.This version of Hell looks a bit like New York City, is run with a painful bureaucracy, and is well covered by Hell’s own media star. These four very different people find themselves swept up in events and choose to do what hasn’t been done before – escape from Hell. As they fumble along the way, leaving a bigger and bigger ‘body’ count, they free the angel Lucifer who has been held prisoner by the actual lord of Hell, the angel Gabriel, and real chaos begins._

Sounds fun but no doubt Duncan will find a way to make it boring. Still.

edit - Actually, i take that back


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 25, 2008)

So, what do you guys want to do with the FlashFiction?

I'm fairly certain no one else is going to try, but it only has 3 entries;

Should we just scrap and try again?


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 25, 2008)

I'll knock up one now-is 4 enough?


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 25, 2008)

Ehh, good enough. 

I really want to get to the next one; I don't really like mine, and it seems most others didn't fancy the topic.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 25, 2008)

I was stuck with this bet with Adee I made. I take it we won't be seeing one from him, so I'm gonna scrap the idea of making people laugh. It's bloody hard.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 25, 2008)

I'm not funny, either, so I feel your pain. 

But I'm sure there are some on here who are; it's just a matter of finding them and forcing persuading them to join the FF ranks.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 25, 2008)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> *I'm not funny, either*, so I feel your pain.
> 
> But I'm sure there are some on here who are; it's just a matter of finding them and forcing persuading them to join the FF ranks.



You're FF suggests otherwise. It's bloody damn good likes.

Edit-And 4 entries it is.


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## Buskuv (Dec 25, 2008)

Alright, this is probably what we're getting; is there anyone else who wants to give it a go?

Elsewise, I'm going to close it.


----------



## Cax (Dec 25, 2008)

I wanna enter the FF shit again


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## Buskuv (Dec 25, 2008)

Then do it.

Or wait until the next one comes, as it'll likely be a better topic.


----------



## Cax (Dec 25, 2008)

You know what, I may be retarded, cause I can't find the FF topic


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 25, 2008)

Naruto Chapter 430 Prediction Thread [Probably a chapter this week. Read OP]

It's 'Christmas.'


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## Pan-on (Dec 26, 2008)

oh shit i better get soemthgin written fast

EDIT on second thought il give it a miss this time, this keyboard is awful I cnat bear to write a whole peice on it.


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## Buskuv (Dec 26, 2008)

Alright, start rating.


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## Trunkten (Dec 26, 2008)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Alright, start rating.



Ah, does this mean I can't enter?


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## Tyrael (Dec 26, 2008)

Trunkten said:


> Ah, does this mean I can't enter?



If you type one up quick then no one will notice.



Ah you already have. It as good as counts since no one has rated yet.


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## Buskuv (Dec 26, 2008)

DISQUALIFIED!

[It's all good; but you must rate ]


----------



## Trunkten (Dec 27, 2008)

That I can do, just don't hold your breath for anything particularly deep or insightful, analysis is certainly not one of my strong points. 

Are we supposed to start now? I'm assuming so, but I don't want to break anymore rules today, so I'll wait and see if anyone else wants to take the lead first. I'll check back later.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 29, 2008)

We need to get rating cracking. Having said that it'd be hypocritical of me to say that then not rate.

So...


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## Trunkten (Dec 30, 2008)

Ah damn, think I royally missed the point on this one; is there supposed to be something resembling a plot in these pieces? Mine was just pointless drivel in that case...

Anyway, I'll have a stab at this rating lark:

CTK


*Spoiler*: __ 



- You had me worried at first glance, I had that horrible feeling we were all supposed to have written a poem, but once my heart settled down I was impressed. It seemed a little clich?d, but I suppose that's the theme's fault more than anything. I hate reading poetry; it never sounds like I'm reading it right in my mind, but getting past that it was certainly well-written. As far as poetry goes though, I'll give it a thumbs up.

6.5/10




Dr. BK


*Spoiler*: __ 



- I can see a pattern emerging here - no-one loves the Christmas spirit anymore, do they? Still, reading your work I can see why you've been so successful in this contest in the past. I love the dialogue; to the point, sharp and believable. For some reason, it had me playing the opening scene of Heat over and over in my mind, your main character and the the whole crime scene reminds me so much of Al Pacino running the rule over the roadside robbery. The only aspect that threw me off, was Chase's line about leaving 'presents' for children. It's obvious what you're trying to do, but for some reason it just didn't _sound_ right, perhaps a little stupid, or a little bit too much.

8.5/10



Pintsize


*Spoiler*: __ 



- I really like the different style you went for here. I'm not really sure what to say about it, other than it reads well, and you certainly get your feelings about christmas (or your characters feelings) across, and those last two paragraphs were perfect, and something I could definitely relate to. The last line seems a little desperate I'd have to say, compared to the rest, it's more begging and concerned than the opening, and that sort of threw me, but other than that I really enjoyed it, the style, the ideas, everything.

9/10




Tyrael


*Spoiler*: __ 



- I think your scene was better described than anybodys, I'm a sucker for flowery, descriptive language, for lack of better adjectives, and this hit the nail on the head. I was there, seeing it, touching it, smelling it. The dialogue, however, felt really disjointed; it just didn't sound right or real, and that was the piece's biggest weakness, no doubt. It got better as it went on, but the first couple of lines really threw me.

6.5/10




Sel


*Spoiler*: __ 



- Again, a different style which drew me straight in. After reading your fourth line it had me humming along to Journey for the rest of the paragraph, although I'm not sure if that was an influence to you or not. I loved your take on English Christmas, and I think you've got it down to a tee. Being typically sarcastic and cynical about those sorts of things, but loving them all the same, I couldn't help but smile at it. I don't think I could have summed up my own feeling about the holiday better than you did in that final paragraph.

8.5/10


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Jan 1, 2009)

Before i met the regulars of this board i used to think i was the most laziest man in the world. 

CTK 


*Spoiler*: __ 



I haven't read any poems outside of school and of those i have enjoyed precious few. So take what i say with a pinch of salt;

In the first stanza i thought your repeated tree/trees badly - not sure why but it jarred me. 

_The magic of the moment won’t even be apparent in their minds_

I didn't like this line, it just didn't seem to fit the structure of your stanza or the ryhming scheme you had set up.

The bit that i liked about your poem was,surprisingly, the end. I say surprisingly because every line you had used to end your stanza's up until that point grated on me.


_There will be no Christmas miracles this year
No one riding a one horse open sleigh
Visions of sugar-plumbs dancing in the children’s heads
Will be replaced by thoughts of sorrow and dread_ 

Like here - i thought the first three lines where pretty good but the last one came across as clumsy and melodramatic.

Anyhow i digress - i liked the last bit ; 

There will be no Christmas miracles this year.
There won’t be…
Can’t be…

Because you can’t have Christmas without someone you love. 

While still cheesy it flowed very nicely and it felt sincere to me. 

Kudos for experimenting.

5/10




Dr BK

*Spoiler*: __ 




Bloody hell, reading your writing is starting to depress me - and i'm not talking about the Santa raping little kids aspect of it either. 

It managed to be LD-level nihilistic and piercingly hilarious at the same time. Great idea and excellent execution.

Though this line

_White face, haggard grin, serenity painted death
_
Didn't make sense to me. Also you had a few typo's.

Only reason i'm giving you a 9.5 instead of 10. 


 

Pint

*Spoiler*: __ 




This is gonna sound anal - but the fact that you didn't have a Dear at the top annoyed me. Well it did at first but not so much on the second reading. I realise that such formalities would probably break the ham fisted sincerity of the piece. 

You set the atmosphere up really nicely and i felt there was a lot going on, though i think most of it went right over my head. 

To be honest the more i think about your work technically the more impressed i am with it - there was no big words, no overt displays of imagery - it just felt very honest.

Anyhow, sorry for the bad review, i'm just gonna go ahead and give it an 8  




Tyreal

*Spoiler*: __ 




Excellent. I've already written too much bullshit and it looks like im fast running out the imagery in your piece was fantastic, as was the dialogue and the atmosphere. You really made me feel the intimacy that couple had.  Also your world play was top notch. 

I have one quibble though;

_Unlike a few of the neighbours who felt the need to strap flashing lights and plastic models of reindeer to their house, possibly to remind passers-by that it is, in fact, Christmas, they had not decorated their house externally._

I think that was too long and something about sounds wrong - maybe the is instead of was after "passers-by that it.."

Though you followed it with a perfect example of the top notch world play i was talking about

_Even inside there was not the same eccentricity that most people attacked the holiday with._

I reckon you have absolutely no right to be so self depreciating, especially not when someone like me has such a legitimate claim.  I'm giving it a 9.5 !




Sel

*Spoiler*: __ 




Sorry man you got the short straw. I've damn near run out of bullshit - it was very good. Very much a day in the life stream of consciousness that actually made sense. Engaging. 7.5/10.




Trunk


*Spoiler*: __ 



Wow. You should come here more often. Technically your solid - i thought the imagery and flow where excellent. 

My main problem with your work was that it felt like you took the theme Christmas and you tried to make it fit into an idea of a story, or a familiar type of writing, that you already had. I say this because it ended so abruptly. 

Actually discount the above crap - i realise its your first time writing FF and i imagine it was difficult to cut off at exactly 501. I had the same problem myself. Still - very nice. 

8.5/10


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 1, 2009)

The Bloody Nine said:


> Before i met the regulars of this board i used to think i was the most laziest man in the world.



Your dicing with the masters at that. Procrastination for our nation. Glad you enjoyed my piece though.

Expect my ratings up in 15 mins or so-I keep changing my mind about the scores. I'm having a hellish time separating the entries in terms of how much I liked them.


----------



## sel (Jan 1, 2009)

> Procrastination for our nation.



Stole my phrase you little...

And Trunk, I did have Journey in my head when I wrote that, Hah


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Jan 1, 2009)

Actually i take it back - i used to think i was the laziest man i had ever come across. There is some guy out there called The Dude. Yep too lazy for a proper name. He beats me hands down.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 1, 2009)

Big Lebowski?


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 1, 2009)

The Bloody Nine said:


> Before i met the regulars of this board i used to think i was the most laziest man in the world.
> 
> CTK
> 
> ...



When I said I was having fun, I really meant it.

"White face, haggard grin, serenity painted death" is a line stolen from an Opeth song unsurprisingly called _Serenity Painted Death_.  I did it for shits and giggles.  Although, I'm saddened no LD regulars caught it.


----------



## Pintsize (Jan 2, 2009)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> DISQUALIFIED!
> 
> [It's all good; but you must rate ]



Maybe you should take some of your own advice. :ho


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Jan 2, 2009)

Tyrael said:


> Big Lebowski?




That's the one. He had an awesome article on Bad ass of theweek but the bastard took it down. Im always looking for an excuse to post links to badass of the week.



Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> When I said I was having fun, I really meant it.
> 
> "White face, haggard grin, serenity painted death" is a line stolen from an Opeth song unsurprisingly called _Serenity Painted Death_.  I did it for shits and giggles.  Although, I'm saddened no LD regulars caught it.





Im caught between humor and annoyance at the fact that you can so well while taking the piss.


----------



## sel (Jan 2, 2009)

I'm not sure what it says that you quote the sophisticated metal band whilst I quote the cheesy homosexual 80's band in my piece. What with me being in charge of the Musicdept and all =p.

TBN: Just realised you're a Londoner. Saw the phrase 'taking the piss' which is apparently completely alien to Americans and decided to look to the left of your post. 

Not sure what that was relevant to or anything, probably something about solidarity brother.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 2, 2009)

sel said:


> I'm not sure what it says that you quote the sophisticated metal band whilst I quote the cheesy homosexual 80's band in my piece. What with me being in charge of the Musicdept and all =p.
> 
> TBN: Just realised you're a Londoner. Saw the phrase 'taking the piss' which is apparently completely alien to Americans and decided to look to the left of your post.
> 
> Not sure what that was relevant to or anything, probably something about solidarity brother.



I wish I could write while urinating.


----------



## sel (Jan 2, 2009)

I'm really reminded now of that one Buk track. Piss & Shit, he bloody nails it in that one.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 3, 2009)

Tyrael said:


> He nails piss and shit?
> 
> These fetishes are getting out of hand.



I see my bad jokes aren't appreciated.

But I tallied scores and we need at least one more rating. Preferably a couple.


----------



## Pintsize (Jan 3, 2009)

Tyrael said:


> I see my bad jokes aren't appreciated.
> 
> *But I tallied scores and we need at least one more rating. Preferably a couple.*



?**


----------



## Pintsize (Jan 3, 2009)

I'm already dead, or wouldn't I be?


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 3, 2009)

So you would.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 3, 2009)

It's all conspiracies over here, isn't it?


----------



## Pintsize (Jan 3, 2009)

Well, now that that's over with; let's move along...


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 3, 2009)

After this FF is over, I fancy the idea of doing some tournament style thing. Get a one vs one vibe going.


----------



## sel (Jan 3, 2009)

I didn't even need to delete that last post. Just wanted to further confuse everybody.

I really think that next time we want a controversial discussion on mittens, we should move elsewhere.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 3, 2009)

Indeed-such things are not suitable to be voiced publicly.


----------



## Pintsize (Jan 3, 2009)

We should just delete those last two posts before Sel finds out.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 3, 2009)

Good idea-it would be disastrous if he were to.


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Jan 3, 2009)

sel said:


> Not sure what that was relevant to or anything, probably something about solidarity brother.



Indeed - people who only get confused when i say "oh shit, your taking the bleeding piss you tosser," really aren't worth banding together with.



No honestly i remember a three page debate in the Naruto library when someone said that pein was  " a bleeding something or another" to which the response was "what the hell ? He's not bleeding"  





sel said:


> I really think that next time we want a controversial discussion on mittens, we should move elsewhere.



Hmm, im gonna keep guessing the subject matter - 

Mittens made of Kittens ?


----------



## sel (Jan 3, 2009)

> Indeed - people who only get confused when i say "oh shit, your taking the bleeding piss you tosser," really aren't worth banding together with.
> 
> No honestly i remember a three page debate in the Naruto library when someone said that pein was " a bleeding something or another" to which the response was "what the hell ? He's not bleeding"



I remember when I first joined I used to use a lot of slang which did confuse people a lot xD

Which part of the City are you from by the way?


----------



## Dream Brother (Jan 3, 2009)

Is this over? I was thinking of rating, but if it's all finished then I'll do it for the next round instead.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 3, 2009)

Oh, it's not over.  Not until I say it is.


----------



## Amnesia (Jan 3, 2009)

I heard from sel there was a three way tie for first apparently, but that might just me being gullible since I can't be bothered with a calculator.


----------



## Pintsize (Jan 4, 2009)

Well, the important thing is there's got to be one or two more ratings going on before this contest is over.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 4, 2009)

Dream Brother said:


> Is this over? I was thinking of rating, but if it's all finished then I'll do it for the next round instead.





Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Oh, it's not over.  Not until I say it is.





Amnesia said:


> I heard from sel there was a three way tie for first apparently, but that might just me being gullible since I can't be bothered with a calculator.



*Waits for rating*


----------



## Amnesia (Jan 4, 2009)

*Guilt-tripped*
 Ratings will be up in about ten minutes or so, I promise....

EDIT:
Ratings are up from me. And actually, I am kinda looking forward to getting this theme finished up. It's been like what? Three-four weeks for this round?


----------



## sel (Jan 4, 2009)

The one 'week' for submissions and the twelve days of Christmas.

And you enjoyed my alternate long submission as well? I actually read it the day after posting it and didn't like it, hence why I deleted it ><


----------



## Amnesia (Jan 4, 2009)

Really? I didn't think it was bad at all, left a bit of (I wouldn't necessarily say confusion) but open-endedness to it that added rather than subtracted, I thought. Course, I don't really know how guys think very much beyond my own friends...


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 4, 2009)

Is there a chance anyone els will rate anytime soon? Not long 'till the contest is closed.


----------



## sel (Jan 4, 2009)

> Really? I didn't think it was bad at all, left a bit of (I wouldn't necessarily say confusion) but open-endedness to it that added rather than subtracted, I thought. Course, I don't really know how guys think very much beyond my own friends...



Ah alright, and thank you.


----------



## Dream Brother (Jan 4, 2009)

I'll try and rate after I get this essay done. Can't promise anything though, because it'll be like 3 - 4 AM by the time I'm finished.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 4, 2009)

I'll leave it open overnight in case then and close it tomorrow, since it doesn't make too much of a difference.


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Jan 5, 2009)

I reckon it should be mandatory for everyone that actually participates to at least put numbers up. 

Maybe others don't care as much as i would about winning but it would certainly piss me off if i rated someone and they didn't rate at all so essentially they got a free ride, i mean you can't vote for yourself after all. Besides that plenty of people have given their feed back all that's really needed now is the numbers.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 5, 2009)

Ahh, sorry guys.

I had intended to rate all the entries, but I feel like shit wrapped in vomit and baked in mushrooms.  I don't like putting up numbers without justification, but if people want me to, I can do it.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 5, 2009)

I think sel's already closed the thread.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 5, 2009)

What a bastard.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 5, 2009)

Don't bad mouth a mod-you'll get added to the "Black List"!


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 5, 2009)

I _was _a member of the Black People user-group -- before they destroyed it.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 5, 2009)

I see.

It seems appearances can be deceiving.


----------



## Dream Brother (Jan 5, 2009)

You're all _already_ part of the Black List, lads.

The whole point of the FF points system is that you earn your freedom when you get the 'prize'. The _real_ prize hidden behind the smokescreen of the silly ones that are currently listed, that is. Only Bats has managed to buy his way out, so far


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 5, 2009)

Does that mean you're dispatching the black 'copters?


----------



## sel (Jan 5, 2009)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I _was _a member of the Black People user-group -- before they destroyed it.



I was the one who _fought_ for the Black People usergroup (Here) after it was first destroyed by the white ruling elite. You're merely the Lil Wayne to my Martin Luther King Jr. boyo 

(Actually, Boskov should technically be able to buy his freedom)


----------



## Dream Brother (Jan 5, 2009)

He's too much of a masochist to ever actually buy it, though.



> Does that mean you're dispatching the black 'copters?



Plenty of time for that. The warm-up, in the meantime, is being subjected to this on repeat for a handful of hours.


----------



## sel (Jan 5, 2009)

Aamir, _The Village People Fanclub_ called. They want their founder back.


----------



## Dream Brother (Jan 5, 2009)

I'm busy here!

(Okay, I'll stop linking these utterly horrific videos. Maybe.)


----------



## sel (Jan 5, 2009)

I never knew you could dance so well Amir, loving the white trainers also.


----------



## abstract (Jan 7, 2009)

I think I'll try my hand with this in the next go around


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 8, 2009)

abstract said:


> I think I'll try my hand with this in the next go around



Always awesome to see new hands try out the FF.

What would a'body say about a best FFer of 2008 vote? The contest pretty much started in January, if I remember correctly, so would be cool I reckon. Or we could even have top 3 FFers or some sort of categories type thing.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 8, 2009)

Tyrael said:


> Always awesome to see new hands try out the FF.
> 
> What would a'body say about a best FFer of 2008 vote? The contest pretty much started in January, if I remember correctly, so would be cool I reckon. Or we could even have top 3 FFers or some sort of categories type thing.



LD popularity contest?

Like Scrabble in the old-folks home.

Except that everyone's dead.  And crying.  'Cause that's more akin to the LD style than anything else.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 9, 2009)

Since we're ignoring my jape anyways, when is the FF topic coming out?

Or, how is it going to be handled, having two winners of the previous?


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 9, 2009)

We should PM the both of them or leave a profile comment or something. There is a chance both have forgotten about it.


----------



## Pintsize (Jan 10, 2009)

You know, in honor of Michael Carey's Lucifer, my vote for the topic this FF is 'The Devil/Fallen Angels'. 

Make it nasty in '09, Ld.


----------



## kakoishii (Jan 10, 2009)

I was assigned to do flashfiction for workshopping in my intro to fiction writing class. The first thing out of my mouth was "what's flash fiction?" Then I wikied it and figure out it's like a short story suitable for a magazine. I dunno how I'm gonna make this work, but I guess I'll lurk through this thread and see if I might stumble across some pointers.


----------



## Trunkten (Jan 10, 2009)

Tyrael said:


> We should PM the both of them or leave a profile comment or something. There is a chance both have forgotten about it.



I hadn't forgotten, in fact I'd been sitting around waiting for the next one to be posted. I had no idea I was supposed to be part-responsible for it's creation!

I'm easy though, forming idea's has certainly never been my strong point; I'll leave it to Pintsize if he has anything in mind.


----------



## Pintsize (Jan 10, 2009)

Trunkten said:


> I hadn't forgotten, in fact I'd been sitting around waiting for the next one to be posted. I had no idea I was supposed to be part-responsible for it's creation!
> 
> I'm easy though, forming idea's has certainly never been my strong point; I'll leave it to Pintsize if he has anything in mind.



Bahahahahaha.

You fuckers are screwed.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 13, 2009)

Had a rush of inspiration and went with it. What do people think of my entry then? I'm kind of worried the connection to the theme might be too subtle.


----------



## Pintsize (Jan 15, 2009)

It may be apparent to most people, but I feel like saying it anyway.

Contest extended. The devil shall have his due.


----------



## Pan-on (Jan 15, 2009)

Pintsize said:


> It may be apparent to most people, but I feel like saying it anyway.
> 
> Contest extended. The devil shall have his due.



i have a couple of ideas but i wont have a chance to submit anything until sunday probably.


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## The Bloody Nine (Jan 15, 2009)

Saturday or sunday for me. Thing needs editing like i need a caramel coffee frappacino with a single shot of espresso, cream and caramel sauce.


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## Pan-on (Jan 16, 2009)

The Bloody Nine said:


> Saturday or sunday for me. Thing needs editing like i need a caramel coffee frappacino with a single shot of espresso, cream and caramel sauce.



from the sounds of it you have had more than enough coffee


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## The Bloody Nine (Jan 16, 2009)

Anonx said:


> from the sounds of it you have had more than enough coffee



You can never have too much coffee. Its the Powerade of the Gods.


----------



## Mashy (Jan 16, 2009)

I finally decided to write a story for FF but it's 706 words long


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## Trunkten (Jan 16, 2009)

I attempted a piece the other day, but got about a paragraph in before I decided I hated the idea.

I'll try and get something done over the weekend, but only if I'm subject to a sudden rush of inspiration.


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## Amnesia (Jan 17, 2009)

Hrmmm, posted. Just kind of wanted to get it up and out of my hair, really. I'm rather edgy about this one... Wanted to roll with the classic God/Lucifer mythology, but unfortunately, my attempts for that tended toward failure...


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## sel (Jan 17, 2009)

Strangely, your piece exuded somewhat of an innocent air about it which, when thinking about it, does make it all the more saddening to an extent.


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## Tyrael (Jan 17, 2009)

sel said:


> Strangely, your piece exuded somewhat of an innocent air about it which, when thinking about it, does make it all the more saddening to an extent.



I got that too-partly the first person and partly the vocabulary and style used echoed something of a very childish naivety. Very powerful entry.


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## Pintsize (Jan 18, 2009)

My hardest problem with this piece is that whenever I try to think of traditional Lucifer/God myth, I think of Carey's work and it blocks me.

I managed to do something else, but it was... disturbing. >>

Still trying to come up with something.


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## The Bloody Nine (Jan 19, 2009)

I'm having real trouble keeping these stories under 501 words. Its probably because i read too much epic fantasy.

On that note i write like GRRM - it takes for fucking ever. I can take up to twenty minute writing a fourty word paragraph, then i spend a further ten minutes editing the thing. Then i delete it in disgust and repeat the damn process. 

My delusions of becoming a novelist are slowly fading - i guess i will just have to become rich and hire ghost writers.


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## Pintsize (Jan 19, 2009)

Well, we'll wait two days or two more stories until ratings, I think. Whichever comes first.


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## Pan-on (Jan 19, 2009)

il go try to write one now, I have a 9am class I probably should go to, tomorrow but you gotta have your priorities straight.


edit: im halfway through, il finish it up tomorrow.


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## Tyrael (Jan 20, 2009)

The Bloody Nine said:


> I'm having real trouble keeping these stories under 501 words. Its probably because i read too much epic fantasy.
> 
> On that note i write like GRRM - it takes for fucking ever. I can take up to twenty minute writing a fourty word paragraph, then i spend a further ten minutes editing the thing. Then i delete it in disgust and repeat the damn process.
> 
> My delusions of becoming a novelist are slowly fading - i guess i will just have to become rich and hire ghost writers.



I used to read exclusively epic fantasy and I have trouble writing chapters in my stories over 1000 words. Not sure it's so much to do with what you read as with how you approach writing.

Do we reckon that 5 entries is enough?


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## Trunkten (Jan 20, 2009)

I'll have mine up within a couple of hours. Third attempt, but I'm at college now with no distractions, and nothing better to do as I forgot both my pen and my book.


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## Tyrael (Jan 20, 2009)

Ams: 8/10

Heavy stuff-the naivety of the narrator has already been noted and this is where most of the real horror comes from. The innocence sets a nice parallel with angel theme and the fallen part and devil are both so present they're lose enough to tangible. The prose is scaled down a lot from your norm. but this was effectively handled and you prove that those big words and complex sentences aren't the only way you can write.

CTK: 7/10

Dialogue based pieces are always risky but you get a pretty creepy atmosphere going on and float about a few decent ideas. Whilst the fact that it was all exposition is not necessarily bad, it did feel as if you had not fleshed it out as much as it could be.

TBN: 9/10

That was pretty damn brilliant. Your language at the start was maybe a little too flowery considering how it backed off into a style that seemed to suit it more. It was a fantastic approach though, and a lot is well considered and requires thought to grasp. Nicely done.

Trunk: 7.5/10

I really like the style you used here and you built up characters very well in a limited period of time. The characters were what carried this and I liked the little twist of neither being particularly dedicated to each other.

The contest is still open though, in case of last entry, so if there are any new ones I'll edit them in.


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## Pan-on (Jan 20, 2009)

My piece is half done but my laptop appears to have died so i cant get on to finish it which is a shame, currently online using my wii.


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## Trunkten (Jan 20, 2009)

God, I'm terrible at proofreading; just skimmed my entry and realised how many simple grammatical and spelling errors there are...


----------



## Amnesia (Jan 21, 2009)

Just a quick heads-up to say I won't be able to get around to rating until sometime during the weekend -- Coursework... With that said, I'm out.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Jan 21, 2009)

*Amn - 8.5/10*

I turned the TV down and read this, I've never read anything that you wrote before. But just wow, it was really good and I think I just have to say its very well done. The voice is admirable to say the least and I think that you've got good flow going for the most parts. There's just small spots where it seems to jump.

*TBN - 8/10*

I liked it, but some of it seemed kind of vague. There's good diction and a good start but I feel like something is missing.

*Trunk - 7.5*

It's well written, but it seems to be like a flash of something just starting. Its hard to get a full picture. There's great description however.  

*Tyrael - 7.5*

You're Xantanos Gambits again , It's a bit confusing. I do like how you chose the name of the ship as the category to work it back into the contest theme. Most of what I find good about this is that some of the confusion is a bit of tool...it seems to work toward this sense of being at sea or lost. But somewhere it gets to be a bit much.


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## The Bloody Nine (Jan 22, 2009)

Tyrael can you do us a favour and just edit the location of our ratings into your post please. Makes things neater. 

Ty 


*Spoiler*: __ 



 I get the impression that this story doesn't fit into this contest at all. The name of the ship was the only real link to the theme and the rest of your story seemed far too big for the 501 word cap and it showed - it all felt abrupt. The first time i read it i was left confused and i didn't like it but the second time, and with a bit of thought, it seemed to flow better.  

From the stories i have read from you so far i would say you have a gift for setting up an atmosphere, the bleak brooding war time tone came through nicely. You could do with some work on the dialogue though again i guess that was because you where hemmed in by he word cap.

7/10




Amnesia


*Spoiler*: __ 



Gorgeous. The tone is pretty innocent but the subject is as dark as fuck - its pretty horrific actually. Your piece captured me from the first sentence.

9.5/10 




CTK

*Spoiler*: __ 




It was pretty good, i liked the idea that we where all fallen and i like how we where pretty much prey for the demons. Basically i like the ideas of your piece.

I just think the execution could do with a bit of work - the description and the dialogue especially. The dialogue because the narrator seems to be overwhelmed - "i'm not sure i follow", "wh-what?" - and then he suddenly makes the connection between demons and humans and power - it seem petty to you but it threw me off. As for the description and narration its by no means bad but it could do with work - i don't really have any specifics, sorry. 

7.5/10




TT


*Spoiler*: __ 



I don't really have much to say. A was an aggressive testosterone laced piece which is fitting with the characters and setting involved true enough, and it was pretty fun and refreshing, but it could still have done with a bit of subtlety. If you didn't demonstrate your extensive vocabulary then your piece would have been in danger of coming across as juvenile.     

7.5/10


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## Tyrael (Jan 22, 2009)

Nae bother dude-it seems my initial concerns about making the theme to contrived was well placed. Ah well, that's the way of things, just gotta do it better next time.


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## Amnesia (Jan 24, 2009)

*Spoiler*: _Ty_ 





This flowed really well; jived at points; and I still stand by my thoughts on this being one of your more polished pieces style-wise, with typos/grammar aside *insert Ghost of Proofreading here*. Probably my favourite phrase would have to be "shadow splattered room" -- awesome. I think the defining thing about this piece is the subtlety of the theme; something of a double-edged sword in this case. All the little clues that are scattered through are nice touches and I do think fit the theme, however, there is the problem of being a tad too vague at the end of the piece. Actually the only line that glaringly threw me would be the final one ? while it capped off everything neatly, I think my unfamiliarity with the phrase was more to blame than anything. Story-wise worked wonderfully, however, on deeper level I think, there was something lacking.

*8/10*





*Spoiler*: _CTK_ 





At first the style seemed a bit rough, but I like how as the piece progressed things really started to flow and find rhythm all their own.  The last couple paragraphs really did it for me actually, my absolute favorite line being the "flash of something wicked" line. That was a great touch, I have to say. The ending line was also quite powerful as well and really caught me as something that sticks with you and forces you to think. I like that. On the flip side, I'd say a little too much feel on to telling rather than showing and the pacing seemed a bit slow, particularly with so much focus on the girl in the beginning. Concept-wise, nice; didn?t stretch too far from classic myth but didn?t stay strictly within the bounds either. 

*8/10*






*Spoiler*: _TBN_ 





It took me a couple of reads to figure out what was going on, but when the light-bulb finally ticked on over my head, I was impressed.  Probably the most original of this week, I?d say, with a wonderfully jarring choice of perspective to write from. The concept itself is awesome and quite fittingly eerie. However, things did seem to get murky and/or a bit rushed near the end it felt, but eh, word limit; it?ll do that. As for the idea of using love as leverage? it seemed like a great start but then fell a bit into a tangle for me; this might entirely be due to my confusion as always. I?ll echo CTK on the vagueness of the whole piece, but I could still see the picture; put me in mind of Impressionism actually. Very cool. 

*9/10*





*Spoiler*: _TT_ 





This is a fun piece and I liked it. The high-levels of bad-ass attitude just sang through the characters (who were quite eye-popping in their own ways) and the piece. It?s over the top in a _300_ kind of way. However, I would also say that this piece plays on every stereotype that could come across as fantastically rogue-ish, making it a bit of a clich? of itself -- From the "flash of lightning" to the stolen "black Dodge Ram pickup" to the "well-worn leather jacket". While I enjoyed it in (to borrow from TBN) that "testosterone laced" way, it also seemed to lack depth. Interesting concept with the idea of 'taking back hell'; really liked the Dante nod, too. 

*7/10*


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Jan 24, 2009)

I expected to get like...fives for this...I wrote it in ten minutes.


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## Buskuv (Jan 26, 2009)

NEW FLASH FICTION PLZ


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## Tyrael (Jan 26, 2009)

MORE RATINGS PLZ

I think we could draw a line at five.


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## Trunkten (Jan 27, 2009)

I know ratings are needed, and I've little time, so just numbers I'm afraid:

Tyr - 8

Amnesia - 8.5

CTK - 7.5

TBN - 9


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## Tyrael (Jan 27, 2009)

Tight one this week:

Third:
*Spoiler*: __ 



Tyrael




Second:
*Spoiler*: __ 



Amnesia




First:
*Spoiler*: __ 



The Bloody Nine




Avgs.:
*Spoiler*: __ 



Me=7.625
Ams=8.625
CTK=7.5
TBN=8.75
Trunk=7.375




Congrats to ze winnars


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Jan 28, 2009)

My ratings so far...I will edit to add more. 


*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 



Tyrael - 7.5: The language is top notch really and that's the strongest part of this piece as I see it. I think that much of the problem I have here lies in obscurity and that might be just my personal preference of style. Its funny I was reading my text book for creative writing last night and there is a bit on obscurity versus simplicity. It said that we write things obscure because we remember times when we looked back and tried to interpret a piece and it was hard to understand on first read. The mistake made is that we get it in our head that people can draw meaning from anything and that everything should have many many meanings. Sometimes we get so obscure there isn't even a meaning anymore...I think that you have a meaning, unlike the example given in the book but a lot of the time its a little too obscure. I would suggest and shift it back to the simpler side of things while keeping the diction. 





*Spoiler*: _Auraya_ 



Maddy - 8: It seems that you've already succeeded where I fail. I haven't gotten the stylistic tone down to write these things. Your tone is light and breezy and I can't actually say that its the most original thing I've read (which isn't always bad) but its well written enough and at the same time that its depressing its also got this light breezy tone. It reminded me of the movie "American Beauty" (which you told me before you've never seen). I would totally watch that if I were you. By the same right, I get this sense of a lot of other things in this same piece. The Scrooge Christmas story comes to mind for some reason too. Overall this is well done though. It's nice to see you can still do this after not having entered one for so long. 





*Spoiler*: _Doc_ 




Doc - 9: You dirty bastard...had to come back and write another one. The tone of this is what I think I enjoyed most. That and the irony...I'm too mad to say anything else to you 





*Spoiler*: _Baldr_ 



Baldr - 7.5: The language seemed to be a little lacking this time and it wasn't what I really expected. Like the phrase before long being repeated and the like. I think the actual tale itself is a nice one, the story works. Just something seemed bland about it, perhaps it was intentional but it didn't really feel like it was. I don't know if its just a style thing, but there were spots of good description and of good pieces where things seemed to work very well language wise. Like especially in the last paragraph. I did like your use of the actual theme. 





*Spoiler*: _Batman_ 



Batman 9.75 - Fucker...what else can I say. Your descriptions make me envious, your tone is subtle, yet descriptive. Your metaphors are sound and original...I hate you.


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## Buskuv (Jan 28, 2009)

I think we're off to a good start for the FF; 3 in one day, on the opening day.

Edit;

Damn, CTK is fast.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Jan 28, 2009)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I think we're off to a good start for the FF; 3 in one day, on the opening day.
> 
> Edit;
> 
> Damn, CTK is fast.



I'm doing them before I get lazy again.


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## Tyrael (Jan 28, 2009)

I'm not expecting this speed to last. Still, would be good if we could close this on the day it is meant to be closed.


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## Buskuv (Jan 28, 2009)

That would be a precedent.


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## Tyrael (Jan 28, 2009)

Just keep your eyes peeled for any flying pigs before getting your hopes up.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Jan 28, 2009)

We really need to finish this on time this time


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## The Bloody Nine (Jan 28, 2009)

3 posts on the first day ? My ego is suitably satiated.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Jan 29, 2009)

Its because someone picked a category I could actually write for two times in a row...and because someone coerced me.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Jan 30, 2009)

Ratings updated.


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## The Bloody Nine (Feb 1, 2009)

Right, well i've given up. Anyone else interested or do i close the thread a record breaking one day after dead line ?


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 1, 2009)

Goddamn  Batman had to be it...

He's going to win I don't even want to rate it...

Just close it


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 1, 2009)

Updated ratings again!


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## Tyrael (Feb 1, 2009)

And the creator of the FFs returns.

Frankly Bats, you're making us all look bad.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 1, 2009)

Tyrael said:


> And the creator of the FFs returns.
> 
> Frankly Bats, you're making us all look bad.



Go to bed Chris


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## Batman (Feb 1, 2009)

Tyrael said:


> And the creator of the FFs returns.
> 
> Frankly Bats, you're making us all look bad.



Just sharing the love.


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## The Bloody Nine (Feb 1, 2009)

Oh and before i forget can a mod gimme my dues for winning the last FF.


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## Buskuv (Feb 4, 2009)

Alright, last day for entries.

I know; I saw what TBN said.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 4, 2009)

How about we try at least fucking once to stick to a deadline next time? 

We even had five entries on time.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 5, 2009)

Finally got mine up,
thanks for the wait.

But hey, I'm good at making last minute calls. :3


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## Tyrael (Feb 5, 2009)

Auraya: 7

I like the style and language in this piece-subtle but very effective. There is an affection in this piece and you manage to twist the theme but play it straight at the same time, making this the most complex take on the theme. A thoughtful, sentimental piece: if I was to criticise it I would suggest that nothing in it really pulls on your heart or makes it memorable-it seems more above average than great.

CTK: 6

Solid, nicely written and seemingly genuine in what you express, there was the twist of putting a slight guilt in there that made the overall tone stronger.  Fairly superficial entry though.

BK: 5

The language was good in a mechanical way, but seemed underdeveloped and very predictable. The short, sharp shock approach did not really work and your interpretation of the theme seems to be indecisive of whether you have played it straight in a twisted fashion or have opted to do it in a facetious fashion. The dialogue was pretty good, and the one thing about this piece I did like was the half a book. Gave me something to chew on.

sel: 6.5

I like the style-something unusual for a flash fic. Nice emotions that tie precariously at best to the theme though and this definitely feels incomplete. Language was restrained, but the piece, perhaps because of this, did come across as genuine.

Batman: 9.5

Lol, whut?

This piece was so far out my frame of reference that I have no idea if I can realistically give it a rating compared to the other entries. Brilliant, weird, original language that reflected with the overall tone, very surreal images and craziness of it.  I think you might have taken an easily explainable scenario and taken it from strange viewpoint but not so obtuse that the reader is lost. Basically my original comments are the best review I can give.

Adee: 8

The style you use seems to be intertwined rather brilliantly with the picture you set up. From poetry, to a uniquely styled narrative there was a real tangible sense of this girl. It was also weirdly haunting and you capture the almost unearthly perfection this girl has, dare I say it?, perfectly. Most inventive entry this week (lol, week).


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## Garfield (Feb 7, 2009)

Oh come on people, post reviews so I can do a jumble-copy-pasta of you all's reviews and make one of my own.


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## Tyrael (Feb 7, 2009)

I keep forgetting. I'll finish my reviews soon.


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## Garfield (Feb 7, 2009)

Tell me more about mine!

In my VM if you must.


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## Tyrael (Feb 7, 2009)

VM?

Well the poetry at the start is removed from my comfort zone; I know nothing of poetry. It start a trend that seemed consistent through the piece-there was definitely heavy religious connotations in there. The poetry and the text part of it especially set up a link to the idea of there being something "heavenly" about the girl.

The contents of this seemed to just be elaborating with some strangely dark ideas beneath it. This was a nice touch, but one that seemed to err a bit too far on the side of subtlety, perhaps because you had to do it that to accommodate the style.

Also liked how you threw in that little jab at conformity.


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Feb 9, 2009)

Sorry if my reviews sound very abrupt, i just want to get this over and done with. 

Ty 


*Spoiler*: __ 



While i enjoyed getting the Thames and Millienium Dome reference the whole Thanatos thing was left annoyingly obscure, the word cap obviously hurt your story. Also, while it was a nice subversion of the theme, the whole angsty over-lord thing felt slightly cliche. Just one of those days i guess.  Overall i would say your piece had a weak start but a good finish.

6.5/10 




Auraya 


*Spoiler*: __ 



Again i had a problem with your begining ;



Auraya said:


> For most people however it would be considered far from perfect.



That sentence didn't gel with me. Also you used the word "day" six times in the first paragraph - too many times. 

After the first paragraph though everything seemed to go much smoother; i especially liked the way you managed to flesh out your character in so few words. The interaction with the nurse was also very nice.

7/10 





CTK


*Spoiler*: __ 



Im not a fan of romance. So take it with a pinch of salt when i say some bits in your piece made me cringe. Some bits came off cheesy to me while others seemed to hit the mark very well. Though to be honest the more i read your piece the more impressed with it i became. 

Anyhow im a major fan of this; 



Cardboard Tube Knight said:


> I’d always pictured you with pink lipstick, but I’m more partial to the red. It’s deep, dark and devastating leaving no question of where you’ve kissed.



7.5/10





Dr Bk


*Spoiler*: __ 



The first time i read your piece i thought it was excellent. Then i read you piece two days later and i thought it was even better. 

The subversion of the theme, the vivid portrayal of the setting, the dialogue and the profound absurdity of sitting in shit and counting your blessings. I'd dare to say it wass perfect. 

Also the book with no name was a happy bonus. 

10/10




Sel


*Spoiler*: __ 



i thought it had good bits and it had bad bits. 



sel said:


> The consistency with which this was done reminded me of The Army in some ways, but in reality closer to an army fighting a dream of someone else which they don't care for---but who are too apathetic to try defeating the system.



It is probably my fault but i have no idea what you are trying to say here. 



sel said:


> I was too tired to live a free spirited life during the week, and ended up a mindless robot, with my day dictated by routine.



This was nicely descriptive though. 

Also the wall of text in the middle was jarring. Your piece certainly seemed to get better after it. 

6/10 




Bats


*Spoiler*: __ 



Your piece confuses me. It seems to be going down the cliche romantic route only to take a detour down comic book lane - four men jump out of random locations and stubbornly attack the man despite the fact he wants to put up a fight ?

Maybe im just too used to the LD's pseudo-gritty realism but your piece caught me completely off guard, and not really in the good way. 

Stylistically there also seemed to be a few uncompleted and awkward sentences;



Batman said:


> Samantha. *Granted to be Samantha *and not Sam. Gifted maybe.





Batman said:


> It meandered seamless as his continued sense of pleasure as buckets of sunlight poured over him.





Batman said:


> Four men climbed over the supports from the other side, belly flat and scrambling,* planting two soled with wire thin smiles,* and eyes dismantling – to most.



Though you did go some way to balance that with some beautifully vivid imagery;



Batman said:


> Escaping under the boyish nick like a dragonfly out maneuvers a depressive thumb.





Batman said:


> Bart obliged as the man’s nose positively disintegrated beneath the steel toe of his boot.



And i also liked the phrase "Bart had sunshine for days." 

All in all 6/10




Adee  - this is going to seem terribly unfair but i haven't read your piece as many times as i would like to yet - im next to no good with critiquing poetry so i will have to really think about it. Your review will have to wait till tomorrow.


----------



## Batman (Feb 9, 2009)

*Urpdates*

*Tyrael - 5*

*Spoiler*: __ 



Hmm. Difficult. I'm grasping an end of a story that's more than meets the eye of the common man. And we're being given a rare insight but I don't know if I really . . . felt his triumph. I'm not sure if he did either. Like I said, this one is difficult. The entire story feels like a metaphor that I can't quite wrap my head around. Overall I was confused.




*Auraya - 6.5*

*Spoiler*: __ 



This flowed very well. Smooth. Easy. It was a relaxing story. I really wanted him to tell me about his expectations of death and why this day was perfect rather than just because of instinct. It felt like you could have given more, considering this is the man's last day on earth. To give us this moment in time, I wanted a bit more than simple acceptance that I might hear at the man's funeral, since you went through the trouble of taking us inside his head.




*CTK -6*

*Spoiler*: __ 





> Your hair catches a riot of color from the sunlight


I really like this description. I wish I had thought of using the word riot like that.

This really reminded me of when I Was in college and I went to a poetry reading by the local writer's group. It was a valentines day reading, tons of fun, and a lot of "_but my love for you!_"'s. This feels like it would play better as a performance piece, is what I'm getting at. Very direct. Very honest, but lacking certain amounts of detail that would make it more of a 'joy' to read.  I didn't quite get the sense of why the day was perfect. Not to say that I don't understand where you were going, but that you didn't bring it all together. The desires and understandings and small joys he takes from her felt a bit scattered as a result.




*DBK - 7*

*Spoiler*: __ 



A nice little glance at this man's life. A fair showing for those times when you get a good feeling in you that you can't really explain. I had a few problems with the flow towards the beginning, but no real complaints other than it could have stood out even more.

You've got a strong grasp on dialog, maybe something extra could have been done with it.




*sel - 7.5*

*Spoiler*: __ 



This one really sailed. It was clear in my head and the sharp observations about life were pretty interesting to read. There was a phrase I wish you hadn't repeated right on top of itself 


> you enter a system and before long, you either change the system or the system changes you, and before long I was one of them.


 for some reason that irked me but that's a minimal complaint.

My only real beef is that I don't get much perfect day from it. It seems to play as kind of sad in my head. A sense of loss rather than a good moment in time.




*Adee - 4*

*Spoiler*: __ 



This is very difficult to score or even critique. I must admit that my grasp on traditional poetic phasing isn't what it use to be. The first three sections of your piece might be entirely lost on me. But since it was so difficult for me to derive meaning from them, (except in retrospect) they ended up being almost meaning-*less* to me as a reader. (I know I'll try not to do that again  ) I'm not trying to be crass, but I couldn't crack the code, not really. And what I did gather was very vague at best.

The second half was interesting but lacking. It felt like a prologue without the story. She's the perfect girl from the perfect family, and then . . . I think I wanted more. Or a reason why it was important for you to tell us she was so perfect. Because right now it looks like a setup for the zinger at the end.


----------



## sel (Feb 10, 2009)

@ Bats & CTK regarding the repetition. Cheers for pointing that out, was unintentional and I didn't notice it until you did so (Will teach me to proof-read once or twice before posting)

---

Boskov - 8

What I enjoyed about this was the way in which you fleshed out the characters, the protagonist mainly and even delving into the others---the book was a great touch which spoke volumes (complete and unabridged, hehe) about the situation. The idea I also liked, but found the repetition to detract from it instead of giving the effect I imagine you intended for it.

Batman - 8.5

Tje best written piece this week, in that it flowed beautifully, like a Tango Argentino. Such a shame that my reaction on reaching the end was something along the lines of, "woah, what?"

TBC


Adee - 7.5

Ty - 6.5

CTK - 7

Auraya - 6.5


----------



## Garfield (Feb 10, 2009)

Andrew Bynum - 7*pi/3

Batmate - 14*pi/5

Sel the mute - pi*14/7

Ty the Scottish Apple Pie - pi+pi+(pi/2.7)

CTK - 2.3*pi

Aurayaginally original - 2.04*pi

I'll fill in the reasons as soon as I .... um.... know what to write.


*Spoiler*: _Nice effort Ty XD_ 





Andrew Bynum - 7.33 <- Only this off...

Batmate - 8.79

Sel the mute - 6.28

Ty the Scottish Apple Pie - 7.45

CTK - 7.23

Aurayaginally original - 6.41


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 10, 2009)

Adee said:


> Andrew Bynum - 7*pi/3
> 
> Batmate - 14*pi/5
> 
> ...



Translation:

Andrew Bynum - 7.7

Batmate -  8.8

Sel the mute - 6.3

Ty the Scottish Apple Pie - 7.5

CTK - 7.25

Aurayaginally original - 6.5

Did I get these right?


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 10, 2009)

My ratings so far...I will edit to add more. 


*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 



Tyrael - 7.5: The language is top notch really and that's the strongest part of this piece as I see it. I think that much of the problem I have here lies in obscurity and that might be just my personal preference of style. Its funny I was reading my text book for creative writing last night and there is a bit on obscurity versus simplicity. It said that we write things obscure because we remember times when we looked back and tried to interpret a piece and it was hard to understand on first read. The mistake made is that we get it in our head that people can draw meaning from anything and that everything should have many many meanings. Sometimes we get so obscure there isn't even a meaning anymore...I think that you have a meaning, unlike the example given in the book but a lot of the time its a little too obscure. I would suggest and shift it back to the simpler side of things while keeping the diction. 





*Spoiler*: _Auraya_ 



Maddy - 8: It seems that you've already succeeded where I fail. I haven't gotten the stylistic tone down to write these things. Your tone is light and breezy and I can't actually say that its the most original thing I've read (which isn't always bad) but its well written enough and at the same time that its depressing its also got this light breezy tone. It reminded me of the movie "American Beauty" (which you told me before you've never seen). I would totally watch that if I were you. By the same right, I get this sense of a lot of other things in this same piece. The Scrooge Christmas story comes to mind for some reason too. Overall this is well done though. It's nice to see you can still do this after not having entered one for so long. 





*Spoiler*: _Doc_ 




Doc - 9: You dirty bastard...had to come back and write another one. The tone of this is what I think I enjoyed most. That and the irony...I'm too mad to say anything else to you 





*Spoiler*: _Baldr_ 



Baldr - 7.5: The language seemed to be a little lacking this time and it wasn't what I really expected. Like the phrase before long being repeated and the like. I think the actual tale itself is a nice one, the story works. Just something seemed bland about it, perhaps it was intentional but it didn't really feel like it was. I don't know if its just a style thing, but there were spots of good description and of good pieces where things seemed to work very well language wise. Like especially in the last paragraph. I did like your use of the actual theme. 





*Spoiler*: _Batman_ 



Batman 9.75 - Fucker...what else can I say. Your descriptions make me envious, your tone is subtle, yet descriptive. Your metaphors are sound and original...I hate you.





*Spoiler*: _Adee_ 



Adee 6- I read it twice and I felt like there was just something off about it, probably the poetry sections. As Batman said, they're lost on me. Its really hard to rate something like this because poetry is usually personal and all of that kind of stuff, I think more so than what novelists and short story writers do. But from what I could tell and what I gleamed it seemed a bit lofty and it just didn't work for me. I do have to commend one thing, your ability to actually write classical poetry is pretty impressive. Mostly because I lack the ability to write poetry at all.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 11, 2009)

3rd place: 
*Spoiler*: __ 



Madame Auraya




2nd place: 
*Spoiler*: __ 



Herr Boskov




1st place: 
*Spoiler*: __ 



ze Batman




Full scores:


*Spoiler*: __ 



Tyrael=6.6
Auraya=6.916666667
CTK=6.75
Boskov=7.783333333
sel=6.76
Bats=8.51
Adee=6.375


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 15, 2009)

Okay, so we have two entries so far...come on guys get on it...we might get another new person tomorrow that I showed the thread. I am kind of unsure of my entry though. Not sure what was happening there.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 15, 2009)

Ehhh, mine's up, for better or worse.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 16, 2009)

Mine should be up at regular time.
Like a day or more after the deadline...


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 17, 2009)

We have 5 entries thus far.

That's, like, fucking ridiculous.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 17, 2009)

I blame CTK.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 17, 2009)

We are approximately 3 days early on that.  Unreal.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 17, 2009)

It happened last week too. I bet it's a sign that the apocalypse is coming.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 17, 2009)

It is. 



Now I'll never become a struggling, mediocre writer living on rice and water in an apartment in a crappy neighborhood.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 18, 2009)

You all should...you know...chill out or something...


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 18, 2009)

I think its good, people are actually posting in a timely manner. This is probably my last FF for a while, really can't be bothered unless the categories after this REALLY interest me.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 18, 2009)

Whoa-8 entries with 2 days to go? I reckon this might even get closed on time.


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 18, 2009)

Tyrael said:


> Whoa-8 entries with 2 days to go? I reckon this might even get closed on time.



Why wouldn't it, what you guys seem to miss about closing it on time is that its kind of part of a contest. When you extend a contest deadline, the people who got in on time get a little cheated.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 18, 2009)

Cardboard Tube Knight said:


> Why wouldn't it, what you guys seem to miss about closing it on time is that its kind of part of a contest. When you extend a contest deadline, the people who got in on time get a little cheated.



Actually, it never closes on time because, save for the last two contests, because we never have enough on time. And if we don't have enough entrants, there is no contest. So if we were strenuous about this, the FF would have died a long time ago.

Plus the deadline has nothing to do with anything. I think you miss the fact that the contest is about word economy and style-not about writing speed or amount of free time.

You're free to edit and change your piece 'till the deadline is up, so no one's getting cheated. You jus' need to chill out dude.


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 19, 2009)

Tyrael said:


> Actually, it never closes on time because, save for the last two contests, because we never have enough on time. And if we don't have enough entrants, there is no contest. So if we were strenuous about this, the FF would have died a long time ago.
> 
> Plus the deadline has nothing to do with anything. I think you miss the fact that the contest is about word economy and style-not about writing speed or amount of free time.
> 
> You're free to edit and change your piece 'till the deadline is up, so no one's getting cheated. You jus' need to chill out dude.



You can run a contest with two entries (I've seen it done on DA several times). Truth of the matter is that it should just open and close when the date says. If you miss it tough shit. 

The deadline, if it had nothing to do with it, wouldn't be there. It would be first five entires. When you let someone have more time, they have more time to refine what they wrote. Those of us that posted before the deadline, did so with the expectation that the contest would close at a certain time. 

More important than meeting word economy when being a writer is meeting deadlines. 

A publisher would rather have something they could edit _on time_. Then you asking for two more days.


----------



## sel (Feb 19, 2009)

My thoguhts:

Sure, deadlines technically are important if you're writing for a publisher, a paper for college and all that. Then again---it's not like this competition is our career as in our first example, or the younger equivalent in our second, so it's not as if all of us have the better part of the seven days to dedicate to this depending on schedule and all that. I see it as more of a fun-thing than a hyper competitive writing contest and if the deadlines are extended one or two days I don't exactly see it as the end of the world if someone has had more time to edit their piece than I considering I mostly do it for the feedback. Sure, prizes and points and all that jazz are nice but that's just a plus to me.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 19, 2009)

And time is too fast anyways. It should slow the fuck down.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 20, 2009)

Damn, so much more I could do with this piece....too unfinished But thought I'd humor the deadline for once...


----------



## Batman (Feb 20, 2009)

A lot of entries. I've gonna need a slice of pie when I start reading them all.


----------



## sel (Feb 20, 2009)

You're lucky my mind's just been too tired for the last ten days or so Bats


----------



## Mider T (Feb 20, 2009)

Gotta be my worst fanfic ever.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 20, 2009)

LOL ITS CLOSED.

This weeks ratings will be difficult; this is quite a large number.  This is a good thing, however, and we're alright with that. Still not feelin' my piece this week, though.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 20, 2009)

Closed? Egads!


----------



## Batman (Feb 20, 2009)

sel said:
			
		

> You're lucky my mind's just been too tired for the last ten days or so Bats


I dunno if I woulda been much competition this week. It wasn't writer's block but felt like writer's retardation or something similar.



			
				Mider T said:
			
		

> Gotta be my worst fanfic ever.





			
				DBK said:
			
		

> Still not feelin' my piece this week, though.



Damn. Did anybody like what they wrote this week? lol


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 20, 2009)

I thought mine was different. Not sure how it turned, but I reckon it could go either way.

(Me? The most optimistic? Something's wrong here.)


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 20, 2009)

Batman said:


> I dunno if I woulda been much competition this week. It wasn't writer's block but felt like writer's retardation or something similar.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I've become indifferent to them...does that count?


----------



## Serp (Feb 20, 2009)

I was forced into this, but I found it to be quite fun to write, not sure if it is good, but was fun to write


----------



## Amnesia (Feb 20, 2009)

I'm just dreading rating.  There's so many...Joining the 'no, didn't like' band wagon.


----------



## Serp (Feb 20, 2009)

Is it bad, that I have such a low self-esteem when it comes to writing, I don't feel good enough to even begin to start rating others work critically.


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 20, 2009)

Amnesia said:


> I'm just dreading rating.  There's so many...Joining the 'no, didn't like' band wagon.



Same here, I really find I don't know what to say about five hundred words. I usually don't judge anything that fast.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 20, 2009)

I rather liked yours Serp-stylistically needs work, but the overall atmosphere and idea really stood out. I'll be more specific when I rate.


But I think there are a few who are unnescarily worried, or self deprecating. (And the irony continues).


----------



## Mider T (Feb 20, 2009)

Am I the only one who felt fairly...rushed?  And somewhat distracted.  I don't know, something was just....off.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 20, 2009)

Maybe you were having a hard time with the word limit? It's too short to tell a story, but long enough to capture a meaning I find.

I thought you did pretty well though, a very genuine tone to it.


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 20, 2009)

I've never been a fan of the word limit, but if it were longer there would be too much to read. Even then, I didn't feel that bad about this week.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 20, 2009)

I generally second guess all my work. 

But this one felt unusually... blehhh.  

I liked week's entries, so I'll try and rate.


----------



## Serp (Feb 20, 2009)

I had to cut so much bullshit out of mine, like a whole paragraph, without it the peice seems to be missing something


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 20, 2009)

I actually didn't go over...I stopped just short.


----------



## Batman (Feb 20, 2009)

I just couldn't think of an idea for the life of me. At least one that wasn't completely weird. I'm talking stuff from the snake's point of view inside a vampire's shell (I know that hardly makes sense, but at the time it seemed plausible.)


----------



## Amnesia (Feb 21, 2009)

Will have ratings up within the next half hour or, hopefully, sooner. =P


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 21, 2009)

I'm watching Get Smart, I'll get em when I get em...


----------



## Amnesia (Feb 21, 2009)

Hate me for the pretentious bitch I am. Went critical this week.


*Spoiler*: _CTK_ 





Very visceral in style which synced well with the overall idea of the story. Though I have to say, I wasn't quite sold on the character, completely. I felt like I couldn't really believe she was an authentic woman doing her job as she does for some reason. It also read kind of weirdly for me and, I admit, it did feel like RP writing. The past and present tense switching didn’t seem to flow in a fair number of places actually. However, there were points that focused really nicely to accentuate the impact of the murder such as the drip of the tap. Also found this to be an excellent line as well: "...my fingers still pinning my lips shut.”

*6/10*





*Spoiler*: _Jello_ 





Definitely put me in mind of the Gothic with this piece, while soft, almost like a kiss of wind on the back of your neck. Was a lovely take on the idea, with the unknown aspect expressed in a supernatural way.  At the same time, I think I was kind of jarred by the tone at the beginning compared to the one by the end: "...the best thing you can do is get indoors—and fast" vs. " 'What fingers caressed you last, my darling?' " – It didn’t seem like the same person to me, oddly. Struck me that the narrator might be a bit unhinged in a way, which to me, really caught my interest in that it renders the whole idea of these whispered ghosts as possible figments of the narrator’s own mind rather than real. Intentional or not, I really liked that strange juxtaposition of tones.

*7/10
*





*Spoiler*: _Ty_ 





I don’t know if it's the fact that I read _Soul Music_ not too long ago or what, but I’m going to have to say that I didn’t find the over-arching idea particularly grabbing. It struck me as cliché, I'm afraid; the idea wasn’t twisted around really in any new direction as far as mysterious shops go. That's probably my biggest gripe.   Favourite line/idea was probably 'Maybe they sell things like murder or sex.' as well as the city to hand metaphor; very nice touches. As for the structure, it was an interesting choice to have the dialogue and descriptions so clearly separate from one another – I'm actually a bit torn about it. On one hand, I definitely think the block paragraph could have broken up for the sake of ease and account for the sudden changes in tone. On the other hand, I liked where the dialogue, save for a point or two, just flowed. 
*
5/10 *





*Spoiler*: _Doc BoK_ 





One of the biggest things that struck me was the disparity in speech between the knight and dragon; the knight reminded me of all those 'Old English' ways of talking while the dragon seemed quite contemporary. Wonderfully vindictive and vivid character too, compared to our poor knight errant – but in a way, that kind of reflects on his mindless acceptance of things as they are (Knights fight dragons, that’s just the way it is, etc.)  The flow, language, and style all very much trademarks of yours by now; didn’t snag in reading. Loved this part “The poor young knight was completely lost in this exchange, his mind completely violated by honor, chivalry and upbringing” along with that last, final punch of a question. As an idea, I guess I found it a bit odd that a conversation like this, between a knight and dragon, couldn’t have happened before given the dragon’s insinuations – seemed cliché but not to the point where I wasn’t asking questions. 

*6.5/10
*





*Spoiler*: _Serp_ 





I think this piece fit the theme most of all the entries this week in that it combined disorientation, the unknown, and a hell of a lot of questions. The very end I’d say is what probably left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth in that it opens up a whole new can of worms that we’ll never get to hear about again.  Atmosphere is wonderfully foreboding and intangible, though there were some points that came off as rough or a bit drawn-out such as “crashed into the banks of knowledge that keeps the streams of question at bay.” While carrying the atmosphere and tone wonderfully, the lack of anything really going on until the very end did kind of weigh things down.

*6.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Kovacs_ 





TBN. You’ll always be TBN even if you deny it with a name change.  

Now, onto the actual work. I think yours was my favourite pieces of the week. I enjoyed the post-apocalyptic-ness of it a lot. While there wasn’t anything spectacular that wow-ed me in the language, the overall tone jived. I liked how the set-up came through – it left me asking questions and more questions. =P Though I will say, that it does stray slightly into the typical with insinuations of how these characters tell that the old woman says ‘We were so stupid’. But I liked it a lot. 

*7.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Mider T_ 





Mider, sometimes you pretty much come in and throw out all the familiar furniture in as far as these FFs. It’s a fun change actually. I like how you played with the phonetics to give that rough and tumble urban gang feel, however at the same time, it seemed inconsistent in places even if it did add to the atmosphere and characters. I liked the turn on the theme in how the protagonists was running from something or someone that was never really named along with the idea of a shady past; struck me as an original twist. I think this “…her premature gray hairs restin’ peacefully on her face is a sight I’ll never forget.” Was probably one of my favourite lines of the entire thing; poignant. However, I will say that the story part of the piece seemed to be lacking. Compared to the background and the ‘need to get out of here’ feel, the present moments (not referring to actual gift/present, but moment in time/present) just didn’t seem to fill out.

*6/10*





*Spoiler*: _Batman_ 





It felt jumbled. Language is spectacular; always is. However, there was just something tangled about the rest. The idea, I thought, was excellent and that opening first few sentences matched, grabbed my attention right away and kept it.  Though I do have to say that it seemed like too much was being jammed into too little space, actually. Loved the name choice for the protagonist, sounds very French.  Concerning the last little ending bit – while it wrapped up the piece very succinctly in that we see the detective’s trick, it also jars with the point of view of the, supposedly criminal, protagonist. We get so far as to hear him recount to himself “Two lefts, a right, straight, left and then . . .” in his head and then at the end we’re just ripped out of that view with the detective acting as the finish to the piece.    Awesome idea overall though. 
*
7/10
*





*Spoiler*: _Adee_ 





Too much in too little space as well as a lack of any real focus seemed to bring this down for me. While the vast, sudden changes in tone, the questions after the certain descriptions was interesting, I don’t think it clicked too well for me because it broke up the flow in every other string of phrases.  One thing that I really liked was the almost lyrical tone of the piece in how it views the world and the families all together; just the right mix of impertinence to keep things flowing.  I actually found this to also be the piece where it was a bit on the difficult side to spot the theme even with the mention of the ‘questionable’ plaza.

*4/10*


----------



## Garfield (Feb 22, 2009)

I almost feel like petitioning a pull out...I'm that disappointed with mine...


----------



## Batman (Feb 22, 2009)

*ZING!*

*CTK - 5.5*

*Spoiler*: __ 



This piece had tense problems. Jumping between present and past wasn't as smooth as it could have been. It would have served better to choose one tense and stick to it. The opening paragraph was the strongest part of the story, making me curious as to what we're about to see, just the description of her approaching bile was enough to get me on edge. But the pay off didn't math the beginning's intensity. It feels like an intro to a much larger story than a stand along piece.

We get the descriptions of her looking at the body, her observations but I was missing the sense of meaning. The story needed a clearer point She doesn't like looking at the dead body, but you show us this in three seperate paragraphs. If you were going to do this, I think one should build upon the other so they don't come across as repetitive. Why continue to bring us back to her discomfort if her inner tension doesn't escalate?




*Jello Biafra - 4.5*

*Spoiler*: __ 



It was riddled with cliches. And not just those of context: escaping a violent storm that seems to chase you, ending up in an old abandoned house covered in ivy, a place that might be haunted; But there were quite a few phrases that are in of themselves cliche.


> The lightning and the rain were bearing down on me, *a predator chasing its helpless prey.*





> *As if by divine providence, the next turn in the road revealed* a rusty old iron gate and a path leading to one of the old manors. . .



Just a few phrases that we hear all too often, and would have been served better if they were reworked.

But then the story opens into interesting territory. The ghosts of the house that communicate to the traveler through the objects are fascinating, but I wanted more reactions. Is he/she scared? Joyful? I like that they speak to the grand piano, call it darling. I wanted more exploration of this. If you would have taken out the first paragraph, you would have had room to expound upon the most interesting parts of the story.




*Tyrael -7*

*Spoiler*: __ 



I want to take a big pair of scissors to the middle of that first paragraph. You stopped telling us the story after here:


> As such we would find ourselves lost more often than not.


and pick it back up here:


> Deek did not share the same curious flare for life I did:



The stuff in between isn't an interesting enough distraction. I wish you had taken that out and added a few more outlandish guesses in the dialog portion, which I really liked. There's a nice since of the voices in my head. Just a few more things to peak their interested of to give them a clash of conflict to really get them more interested in the shop before it disappears; which I really, really liked, and was not expecting at all.




*Dr. Boskov Krevorkian -7.5* 

*Spoiler*: __ 



I really liked this piece. I think I liked the perspective taken. It's nice to see the Dragon's observations about the Knight, and not just hear his responses to the nervous knight. I must say I wanted more of those - more queries about the peculiarities or possibly the tiresome nature of such encounters. It had a pretty strong ending as well.




*Serp - 6*

*Spoiler*: __ 



This reminded me of poetry. Mainly the structure. It's divided very evenly, and has a very continuous sense of pacing. It worked for the most part. There were a few spelling errors and typos, but you dropped a rather nice sentence that I enjoyed reading a few times.


> The questions are returning, once again like a vicious river, I feel like I cannot swim from the raging river, and will soon be crashed into the banks of knowledge that keeps the streams of question at bay.



I think this piece could have been even stronger. As you probe at a few interesting questions that a person might have hints and feelings of in an unconscious state, it lacked emotion. It's hinted at but where's the physical or mental strife/agony/desire. It comes across as a bit too detached. 




*Kovacs - 7.5*

*Spoiler*: __ 



Interesting work. Nice setting. Nice story telling with just the right amount of vagueness to keep me interested. Before I read your telling of what it is, I'll tell you my assumption.

_It's a post apocalyptic world where people have to scavenge and hunt for their food. The sky is messed up so the only plant that grows are mushrooms, and this young man finds an ATM card on the ground._ *goes and looks to see if I'm right.*

Oh, I was wrong.  Though maybe he thought it was an ATM card.

Anyways, I was interested in the story. You drew me in. Just ease up on the dashes. There were way too many throughout.




*Amnesia - 9*

*Spoiler*: __ 



Easily my favorite entry of the week. The style and language are very well done. The story has depth and a fascinating ending which I was not expecting. It even made me laugh out loud, which I rarely do while reading.





> Later, we made jokes about his shirt being the only 'holy' thing about him. They weren't that funny, the jokes. And nobody really laughed.



Some of your descriptions were a delight to read.


> His hand he left for dead on the page while the pen, dizzy and out of breath, tipped and tilted on his fingers.



Fantastic job.




*Mider T - 5.5*

*Spoiler*: __ 



The last paragraph was the strongest bit. Very well written, very engaging. The parts preceding it seemed to muddle along, taking it's time before you really got a feel of the story. I was a bit confused by the voice. I was getting either 'thug' or 'stereotypical New Yorker', maybe a little of both.

You had a nice set up as well, but the strong ending didn't seem to relate. You told us about the present that he'd promised Angela, but it was never really reintroduced. The confrontation over his success or failure felt like the logical climax, but you veered away from it or you never had enough time to get to it. Either way it felt patchy and a bit incomplete.




*Adee - N/A* - Everyone else got it in under 501 words. Next time rework it. I didn't rate it, but I did add critiques.

*Spoiler*: __ 






> Once in the far away land (or maybe was it space?) of Arbitraria was a street, (You wonder how it looked like?) which looked like a very particular little thing. And this road was right, was this road, very fine piece of granite (why such a street you say?), surrounded by some very interesting people (disappointed to not find aliens?) who we shall endeavor to meet now. Let’s meet these people that haunt, or rather form rather this basalt road shall we (rather nutsy a taste for material eh?)


 This is very, very confusing. Even when taking out the parenthesis it's confusing. Needs to be clear.

It's a very hectic piece. It feels like you were doing that on purpose, playing with the theme of '?' and using that almost as an excuse to write as nonsensical as you can. If that was your intention, it didn't quite resonate as being creative or clever; rather it was just difficult. It was hard to read. I have a sense of separation, as if I'm floating through space, spotting the occasional alien couple, who happen to be sitting outside their two bedroom one bath that's located on a passing asteroid. But that could just be my own insinuations.

It felt weird for the sake of weird. One of my biggest pet peeves. If the story is going to be strange, ground that strangeness in purpose.


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Feb 24, 2009)

Bats - you had everything right except the ATM card bit. He finds a monopoly chance card but he *thinks/hopes* its an ATM card because he heard these little plastic cards give you treasure.  

CTK


*Spoiler*: __ 




*Spoiler*: __ 





The first time I read your piece it threw me off. The tone and style is alot like one of one of those Victorian horror novels  - like Frankenstein - but the setting was modern day crime scene. Odd. Anyhow when I read it the second time I decided I liked it. Though I image something like this would get very annoying if it was much longer than 500 words.

Also the ending - the whole “anything else I need to know”, “The victim, motive, and the killer…they’re all unknowns.” – didn’t seem to fit.

7/10







JB


*Spoiler*: __ 





Your piece is pretty hard to review. It’s very uneven, there are things in it that I liked and things that I didn’t which are much harder to explain.  

At the start of the piece I think it was too abrupt – you broke up the text with a  lot of comas and full stops and that seemed to speed up the pace even though it didn’t really need it. 
Then there were things like;

“We've forgotten our old steward,”

Here was this man I would never know, and yet I felt a great kinship *with* him. 

Might he have been a man as gentle as Jesus, [could have used a *with* here] not a vile bone in his body?

Which I didn’t  think fitted with the rest of the text, at least not to me. 

However I really liked the fact that the forgotten furniture talked to you, to the point where you put quotations over them.  In the end you did a good job of creating a dreamlike setting which I think was what you where aiming for.  

6.5/10




Ty


*Spoiler*: __ 





First of all I want to say that ending made me laugh out loud. I liked the light-hearted banter a lot and I really wasn’t expecting that ending. 

Your piece was a good one to re-read, I got the joke about the narrator getting lost because his friend didn’t really know his hand so well, but I didn’t get another line however many times I read it;

“Not that this was a fact that disturbed us particularly-luck coupled with perseverance and, probably oddly, a sense of enjoyment.” 

Maybe it was a type. Or maybe the word-cap was making itself known.

8/10 – not many pieces make me laugh. 




Dr BK


*Spoiler*: __ 





I thought the way you interpreted this week’s theme was pretty nice, and your actual story telling is as good as it has always been. However apart from the following lines I thought your dialogue and prose it lacked any of its usual brilliance.

“That old paradigm? You'd think after all these years you would come up with a better rationalization for your glorified, ritualistic suicide."

8/10




Serp


*Spoiler*: __ 




*Spoiler*: __ 





Your piece was much better on the re-read. I like the way your set up and maintained the atmosphere, and even if chasing the light at the end of the tunnel is a cliché I didn’t really care all that much. 

7.5/10







Amnesia


*Spoiler*: __ 





I think its fair to say that  your piece was the most well written of them of them all. But I don’t get the story. I have read it about four times now and I still don’t understand it. This might be my fault, and in that case yes it wouldn’t be fair on you but frankly it’s really annoying me now – which is the only reason I’m not rating you higher. 

Can you please, please, explain it to me ?

8.5/10




MT


*Spoiler*: __ 





It was certainly an interesting story but I don’t see how it fits in with this week’s theme. Also this sentence confused me;

“I would never do something for what I didn’t need” 

However I thought this was a pretty nifty line;

“I made an oath to repay the debt by having pride where the word didn’t exist.”

Though to be honest I wasn’t a fan of the accent – just felt forced man. 

7/10




Bats


*Spoiler*: __ 





Very good, nicely written and nicely paced.  No real criticism to be honest with you.  Really liked these two lines;
His right still held his gun, probably.
Each droplet was attached to a thread, drawing his energy one pore at a time.

8.5/10




Adee


*Spoiler*: __ 





 I appreciate the fact that you where experimenting and I always like it when someone changes the usual tone of the FF’s but it was still pretty badly written and I don’t see why you couldn’t have cut off 14 words like everybody else. 

4.5/10 – liked the change of style.




Listen if the rest of you don't have the time then i don't care if you don't write a review, i would still very much appreciate some numbers though.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 24, 2009)

CTK-5.5

I think there is a lot in this that needs rephrased or cut out, since it snarls up the flow badly. Overall, it seems as if you are trying too hard to tell us that this scene is horrofic and the message becomes redundant quickly.

Jello-7

A gothic feel to this piece sets a nice atmosphere, and you achieve a good balance in your language. It does feel as if this piece ends prematurely though.

BK-5

From the second paragraph I knew where this was going. I knew exactly what was going to happen and what would be said. The dialogue was good, and the last line had a great venomous feel to it, but overall there was not much prose and the whole concept was, ironically, cliche.

Serp-7

Your style felt a bit contrived and the scenario cliche. Somehow, despite this, the tone really wrung true and the piece seemed genuine.

KV-8

A piece that rewards readers thinking about it is something I like to see, and this contained a lot that you told us indirectly. The jutting originality, and slight cartoonishness, of the world characterised the piece well and I just got where you directly filtered the theme. That's pretty damn clever.

Ams-8

'Nother which requires thought, although I'm still thinking about it. It had a quirky sense of humour and surreal tone that was great, and your prose was, as ever, pretty damn enviable. Could have done with not being quite as subtle as it was though.

Mider-7.5

Interesting, had a great flow. There was some sense of rambling to it though, as if you were not quite sure where it was going. Also the inconsistent use of slang would throw me off from time to time.

Bats-6

This seemed very uneven, and not in a good way. The language was good, but unfocussed and seemed to have very little in the way of flow. The idea was a pretty damn good one, but, weirdly, it was your execution that let you down.

Adee-n/a

Arbitraria has to be the best place name ever. But I'm surprised that you came in over, considering there is a lot in here that not only can you afford to cut out, but you probably should have. Whilst I like what you were trying to do, it came out somewhat indulgent.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 24, 2009)

It looks like I am just taking a rest from the story for this time now. I am thinking through a lot of the thing I want to say and do in this next part of the story. 

The thing is that I was combining two stories together, the first and second story I had before and I didn't know where to actually start the second storyline. Realistically it can be placed anywhere in the book, but what I mean is I didn't know which part to start with. 

Then while I was reading a book of a completely unrelated nature, I realized where i had to start (really it was obvious when I thought about it) but now I just need to figure out how to move things into third person (as the old story was in first).

Also I am going to start being more to the point with things and concentrate on simple, well written stuff rather than dressing it up.


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## Jello Biafra (Feb 24, 2009)

Reviews are short cuz I'm kind of pressed for time.


*Spoiler*: _CTK_ 





Wonderful use of descriptive language. You're good at painting a picture with words, which goes a long way towards making interesting writing. It might have been a bit overdone in this case, given the length limit, but you managed to tell a complete vignette even with the large amounts of descriptive verbiage.

*7/10*





*Spoiler*: _Ty_ 





I love the use of stream of consciousness style narration. It's a bit jumbled, but it really gives you an insight into how the narrator ticks. Nice build up of mystery too, with a sudden ending leaving us hanging. Definitely fulfilled the theme. The conversation was a bit jarring. I think it might have been more effective to use less dialogue and describe more non-verbals, which would help with the flow of the conversation.
*
6/10 *





*Spoiler*: _Doc BoK_ 





I loved the conflict between the errant knight and the suave dragon. It definitely invoked a class of cultures between hidebound superstition and a more modern cosmopolitan sort of humanism, ironically given voice in the form of a fire breathing dragon. It's an interesting subversion on an old tale, and over all I quite liked it. The dialog could have been a bit better, but over all, well done.

*8/10
*





*Spoiler*: _Serp_ 





I liked the forboding sense of the unknown, lurking just beyond the veil of sight. I think this piece beautifully expressed the fear of the unknown and unknowable that we all feel to some extend. Nice cathartic expression.

*7/10*





*Spoiler*: _Kovacs_ 





It's cryptic, and I love that about it. You can draw a wide range of inferences from it. The post-apocalyptic flavor was definitely pretty special, and I loved the old lady's words: we were stupid indeed.

*8/10*





*Spoiler*: _Amnesia_ 





To tell you the truth, I had a hard time following this one. I had to reread it several times. It's probably the cold I have right now, but it was hard to get into. Of course, that has it's own set of pros and cons, and I can't decide if that works to your detriment or favor in this case. 

So yeah, trippin Jesus. 

*7/10*





*Spoiler*: _Mider T_ 





You're definitely the best banana pimp writer I've ever met  You've given us a very interesting vignette. I'm definitely glad that you decided to participate. The relationship between Kenny and Angie is both mysterious and deep, and I really like that. The melancholy tone of the piece fit perfectly. This is definitely something you should consider expanding into a short story.

*8/10*





*Spoiler*: _Batman_ 





I wouldn't expect anything less from the goddamn Batman. I loved the grittiness, and the implicit mindgames between the criminal and the detective. It really worked out well, even though I had to read it twice to absorb it properly.
*
7.5/10
*





*Spoiler*: _Adee_ 





Interesting stream of consciousness. However, it was a bit too unorganized to be effective. Too much of it seems to be just the narrator's descriptions, without giving enough of the color of his relationship to this little world. You could have definitely shorn off 14 words though.

*(n/a)/10*


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## The Bloody Nine (Feb 24, 2009)

Holy shit Ty. Im sorry man, i promise i will give you a 9/10 next time. Just please don't neg me again. 




*Spoiler*: __ 





Though it did come with the words, glad you enjoyed it.


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## Tyrael (Feb 24, 2009)

Did I actually? I'm in a bit of a dopey mood atm, so I'm not sure if you are joking or not.


----------



## sel (Feb 24, 2009)

Needed o get out of my block, so did a late unofficial FF. I'd seriously appreciate any crit you have to offer on it though you lovelies <3

mikegoodboy2009

I will rate this week, don't worry.


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## Amnesia (Feb 24, 2009)

@Batman -- I just realised that the Deneau was the protagonist's name.  I am _slow_. 



Kovacs said:


> Can you please, please, explain it to me ?



Haha, sure thing.

[SPOILER="Basic" explanation]

Main idea was about writers writing about writers/one another. Two separate kind of stories/ideas were going on at once, one through strictly dialogue for the most part (save for that bit at the end where I tried to pull them together) and the other with the primarily prose bits which I should have italicised for the sake of clarity. 

The prose bits functioned as a kind of memory, a reminiscing about this scene on the train with the writer they (the two random characters, J and M) stumbled onto. This train writer in turn reacts as he does in the piece -- by going off in a bit of a writing flurry, possibly inspired. The dialogue was supposed to indicate a kind of writing review session between J and M in which J tries to write about the man on the train. 

Hope that clears up kind of the general thoughts on it, since it really _is_ a confusing piece in itself. [/SPOILER]

But feel free to draw up your own conclusions, I'm not the absolute authority on the meaning in the least.=P  



			
				Sel said:
			
		

> Needed o get out of my block, so did a late unofficial FF. I'd seriously appreciate any crit you have to offer on it though you lovelies <3
> 
> [DB]_Bleach_208.avi
> 
> I will rate this week, don't worry.



Will do. =)


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## The Bloody Nine (Feb 25, 2009)

Tyrael said:


> Did I actually? I'm in a bit of a dopey mood atm, so I'm not sure if you are joking or not.



Like you said - you where in a bit of a dopey mood. 

And Adee - i rep HARDER!! 


*Spoiler*: __ 



I think. 




edit - shit, here since 07 with 7000 posts. I may as well slink away while i still can.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 25, 2009)

Maybe Sel can rate in my place


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## The Bloody Nine (Feb 27, 2009)

I reccomend we close the FF in 24 hours - after all it is friday night. At this point it might just be best to put some numbers down.


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## Tyrael (Feb 27, 2009)

I'll tally the current scores at the moment, and I think tomorrow would be a good time to close the contest. Not feelin' any momentum.


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## Batman (Feb 27, 2009)

You've all read my mind. I had figured, end of the month.


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## Jello Biafra (Mar 1, 2009)

So when do we find out who won?


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Mar 1, 2009)

Jello Biafra said:


> So when do we find out who won?



I think they posted it, Ams won.


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## Tyrael (Mar 2, 2009)

Next contest with this system?

I'd be happy to be the referee, although it would mean I would not be able to rate.


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## Batman (Mar 2, 2009)

I'm down for trying the new system.


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## Amnesia (Mar 2, 2009)

Ok, so apologies if I sound redundant but was just hoping to clarify things concerning this new FF system.

From my understanding, the referee will be posting both the FF entries and the FF reviews. However, was just curious if it really mattered to anyone whether all the entries/reviews are posted at once or just as they come?  

Second, I would be happy to play referee this week if it makes things more convenient/keep any mix-up in sending entries to a minimum. Wouldn't be a problem at all seeing as I've got a pretty time-flexible week, unless of course, Ty -- would you prefer to jump on the role yourself?    

Anywho, ready to get this thing rolling whenever you guys are.  =P


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## Tyrael (Mar 2, 2009)

I doubt posting them all at once would offer any advantage, although I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter either way. I say you just post the thread-if you want to be ref. that's cool.


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## Amnesia (Mar 3, 2009)

Have fun Ty. =P Decided I didn't want to have to comb through my PM box. [/lazy]

EDIT: 

That, and my English lit. professor just blessed me and my classmates with the guidelines to our final paper. Via e-mail.


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## Mashy (Mar 3, 2009)

Popping in to say that I very much like the new system.


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## Buskuv (Mar 3, 2009)

HAI MASHY

Why don't, you know, you enter one, eh?


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## Mashy (Mar 3, 2009)

HAI DOCTAR

I'd like to say that I'm too busy with schoolwork, but then I get out of schoolwork by saying I go on NF too much...

circular logic 

ps. Escape artist - good topic. If I can conjure up an idea within the next hour or so, I'll join.


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## Tyrael (Mar 3, 2009)

Tha's cool.

Best go delete some PMs.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Mar 3, 2009)

Bowing out this time guys, probably for good. But its nice to see Amnesia win one.


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## Jello Biafra (Mar 3, 2009)

Cardboard Tube Knight said:


> Bowing out this time guys, probably for good. But its nice to see Amnesia win one.





I can understand this time, but why for good?


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Mar 3, 2009)

Jello Biafra said:


> I can understand this time, but why for good?



It's not that much fun and its certainly not helping me with my writing. Like I know I can write, not perfect or something, but I can write well enough. I don't care enough to sit there and edit these FFs and polish them for anything other than word count. 

My prose will never be that flowery, beautiful stuff like Amnesia writes and the like. So in a contest like this, I'm going to get bull rushed to the back. It would be like being a quick draw expert in a sniping contest.

The focus of what I do is on characters and plot, I can't write something with either one of those things in five hundred words that will resemble something worth people being asked to vote over. Occasionally I had a little fun doing this, oddly enough that was always when I got the worst scores. 

If I wanted to write something really shitty and fun, I could do it on my own time with out wasting time making someone read it. It would be just as fun. 

Oddly enough I never cared what most of the votes said, that's the beauty of things when you aren't really putting your all into something. I don't think that the FF is an accurate representation of my talents or my skills as a writer. But neither had it helped me to build new talents.


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## The Bloody Nine (Mar 3, 2009)

I can see what you mean when you say these 500 word contests have next to no relevance in writing a full length story but i can't see how you wouldn't improve at all. Personally i look forward to these FF, no that i don't do English any more they help me keep my writing skills sharp.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Mar 3, 2009)

Kovacs said:


> I can see what you mean when you say these 500 word contests have next to no relevance in writing a full length story but i can't see how you wouldn't improve at all. Personally i look forward to these FF, no that i don't do English any more they help me keep my writing skills sharp.



To date, I have written one viable entry for this thing. The rest have been pretty bad. And I don't really look forward to the thing. I didn't know there was a new one until someone asked what I was writing for it. I promptly responded "nothing". 

I can see where some of you might not have many other common outlets to write through. But I actively write and right now I am concentrating on building my story and reading more right now than writing.


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## Tyrael (Mar 3, 2009)

You can put some pretty sophisticated ideas in their too, and the FFs can easily be used to evoke a strong sense of character (look at sel's style for example).

Just 'cause you can't write like Amnesia doesn't mean you can't be successful. Hell, I would rate BK, sel, Amnesia and DB above Bats in short form prose style, but I think that he is the best FFer to take part.


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Mar 7, 2009)

Looks like the new system is win


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## Tyrael (Mar 8, 2009)

This slump is nothing to do with the system though.


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## Vergil (Mar 10, 2009)

I'd like to join in. How does it work?


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## Tyrael (Mar 10, 2009)

I've dropped you a VM, but here's the full explanation.


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## Amnesia (Mar 11, 2009)

*pokes FF thread* So uh, anyone have any ideas on where to hide the metaphorical body? =/


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## Vergil (Mar 11, 2009)

I'm working on something - but am getting distracted by another short story


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## Pan-on (Mar 12, 2009)

oh right my horrendous essays are over, i can enter this now, il try and get it done tonight/tomorrow


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## Garfield (Mar 21, 2009)

Hmm, I'm finally in mood for another FF, when's this one getting done and next one beginning?

Or is the deadline not over yet?


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Mar 21, 2009)

There's already one that no one entered...


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## Garfield (Mar 21, 2009)

But I thought the deadline for that was ages ago...

Anyways, if it's accepted then I'll send a PM to Amnesia,...


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## Tyrael (Mar 21, 2009)

PM me, I'm the referee.

It's not really started yet, so yeah.


----------



## Pan-on (Mar 21, 2009)

mine is done and should be winging its way to your pm box as we type.


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## Mashy (Mar 21, 2009)

Nyuuu Ty don't post 'em yet! 

I'm nearly finished! Give me an hour or so... >_<


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## Tyrael (Mar 21, 2009)

Nae danger-once I post the first clump of FFs I'm gonna put up a new deadline-one I intend to make sure the contest sticks to.


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## Mashy (Mar 21, 2009)

Aww, so you're not accepting anymore?

I guess it is 13 days after the deadline..


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## Tyrael (Mar 23, 2009)

The contest will hereby be closed on Saturday the *28*th-pull your socks up people.

Also, could people delete all of their posts in the FF thread? We want to keep it clean for only entries.


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## Mashy (Mar 25, 2009)

I has a question: 

How are the enterers of this comp going to rate this, without revealing which entry they wrote? I mean, we'll find out by seeing which entry they didn't rate... their own.

Do we also PM our ratings to you, Ty?

Everything is so... underground.


----------



## Tyrael (Mar 25, 2009)

Yep, ratings PM'd to me.

This is the LD-we're NF's own underground. 'Cept we'renot up to anything illegal. Honest.


----------



## The Bloody Nine (Apr 6, 2009)

We're gonna have to wrap this up soon. Its taken about twice as long as a normal FF already. 

As for this new FF system, well its pretty clear it doest work.


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## Tyrael (Apr 6, 2009)

The FF has been going quite quickly recently, but goes through swings-we're going through a huge down swing. There have been contests that have lasted longer than this though.

I only need two more ratings then I'll close it.


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## Trunkten (Apr 6, 2009)

Damn, never got my entry for this in. I hope we stick to the system for at least one more round though; it's got potential, we just need to get people motivated with a decent topic.


----------



## Tyrael (Apr 6, 2009)

You could help us out by doing a review, mayhaps?

But I do like the system, it seems more the apathy in the community that killed this one off.


----------



## Vergil (Apr 12, 2009)

We gonna wait for the final vote then? It might take some time as I think everyone that wants to read it has read it. I say we just close it and start up a new topic


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## Tyrael (Apr 12, 2009)

Vergil said:


> We gonna wait for the final vote then? It might take some time as I think everyone that wants to read it has read it. I say we just close it and start up a new topic



Yeah, it is done. You get to pick the new topic now: PM it to me or DB or just start a new thread yourself. I think we'll use the old way of doing the FFs for the next one.


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## Tyrael (Apr 12, 2009)

New thread is up. 'ave it at ye.


----------



## Pan-on (Apr 13, 2009)

I assume we're going back to the old system?


----------



## Fallopian Tube Knight (Apr 14, 2009)

i can't wait until no one else enters and i win!


----------



## Pan-on (Apr 14, 2009)

HA im half-way through mine, I shall shatter that dream.


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## Fallopian Tube Knight (Apr 14, 2009)

for a few moments after i read the subject i considered finding a transcript from a phone sex conversation and claiming that i'd misread the theme as "an arousing speech"


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## Tyrael (Apr 15, 2009)

That would have been rather amusing. My entry is still in the works, but this writing block thing ain't going anywhere.


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## Vergil (Apr 23, 2009)

Bleh - I've been really bad this week in submitting....and it was my topic! it's closed, I take it?


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## Pan-on (Apr 23, 2009)

nah, its always always late in closing, i think there are only 4 entries at the moment, I think 5 is usually the lowest before cut off.


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## Tyrael (Apr 23, 2009)

Vergil said:


> Bleh - I've been really bad this week in submitting....and it was my topic! it's closed, I take it?



If you can make an entry then I'll close it. As Anon says, five is generally the cut off.


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## Vergil (Apr 26, 2009)

*Entry 1:*

I liked it. I thought it was written well. The speech was very strong, considering he was selling a book to teachers. What nationality would Yakeyonny be? Native Indian? That’s what I’m assuming and I think it should be made clearer earlier. Really that’s my only real problem with it.

Few language things:

“He clung to the sensation of impending drip” I think you missed a word.

“His eyes were open” – was this physical or metaphorical – because it was within a section describing his physical state, I assumed it was physical – which made little sense. I think a separate paragraph would have been more hard hitting in terms of making sure folk knew it was a metaphor.

Not much else. Strong, powerful and well written. Nice.
8/10

*Entry 2:*

Nope – didn’t get what this was about. I tried, something about him getting a prize, not sure what for. He wasn’t wearing any trousers and something about a bear. Was he mental? I assumed so. Also not sure where the rousing speech was. I may have missed the point like a champ but really a piece shouldn’t be so difficult to understand. A point – did he take off his trousers? Did he come in with no trousers. Surely someone would have said something. And an award for a boy which should have been for a girl? Too much needs explaining for me

It’s a shame because technically it’s pretty good. Just one thing:

“the coconut tree's swayed in the breeze” – no apostrophe needed.

Other than that it seems great. The descriptions were nice and colourful and I could see myself where he was – I just wished I knew what was going on. 

4/10

*Entry 3.*

Very cool. A rousing speech from beyond the grave and a simple one at that. Done in few words and kept short enough to make the point you wanted to. 

Language: 

“No soldier in the attacking army could claim to have seen a building that it would not have towered over.” – well I don’t like double negatives. I would have probably have rephrased this.

“at least a head taller than even the most intimidating of his soldiers, and had shoulders that made him” – no comma needed.

In general there are too many commas, which breaks the flow a little bit.

All in all I liked it. I found the King easy to imagine and you made him give off a powerful presence. Good stuff

8/10

*Entry 4.*

This is a tough one to review. Giving speeches is under scrutiny for you main character correct? Well, it was a good take on it but just insubstantial, I felt. I think you had a few more words to play around with and I would have loved to see more scenes like:

“I'd love to be able to say that power is not a drug for me but now I've retired I see no point in bending the truth anymore, and those four times I mentioned his name I swear I came close to losing my cool; slamming my fists down onto the wooden podium and screaming at the audience the real reason behind all of this as opposed to the usual official story that you all end up getting fed the vast majority of the time.”

I may have approached the story differently, with the speech he’s always wanted to deliver finally being said. That’s just personally though. 

That sentence I just quoted, well it was way too long and definitely needed to be broken up.

Like I said, I’m struggling with this review, not really sure if I like it or not. I just feel that this could have been great, but lacked something.
5/10


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## Tyrael (Apr 26, 2009)

Inkling: 7/10

Always like a piece with a bit of a comedic bite to it. Parts of the speech did fall into hyperbole, and it came across as you were trying a little too hard to point out this man was not the most pleasant of people. The tension leading up to the speech was well constructed, although the repeated idea of sweat coupled with the sentences Vergil pointed out could do with being looked at. I think that the paragraph would be stronger if you just got rid of this sentence altogether: 





> His eyes were open.



That said, it was enjoyable and overall well written, plus you did give us a character that was very fleshed out considering the length.

Anon: 8/10

That was a fantastic end. I liked the abstract way you flitted through the character's consciousness, although it did require you to use the same sentence structure over again, to explain what was going on and where you were. The use of your theme was too subtle as well-after the standard speeches that were getting thrown around you did catch me off guard. Stylistically, you were forced to resort to "this happened and then that happened" because the story was bigger than the word count but I do enjoy the sardonic tone that runs through it.

sel: 3/10

This is easily the worst thing I have read of yours. The ideas was nice and had a lot of potential, but your execution was severely in need of reading over and perhaps even a rewrite. I've already told you about my grievances with this over MSN (ask me if you want anymore advice), so I will keep this to a minimum.

Vergil: 6/10

This was a bit hit and miss for me-the idea that it would haunt him for two days almost made me laugh, but the tire in the mud was a metaphor that really clicked. The story is a good one, and you created the genuine feel of power slipping away. There was the odd sentence that felt like it was overlong, and using numbers in a piece as you did is not something I like to see. I had to read the second paragraph of this new manager's speech three times before I got it, although that might have just been me being slow. Still, it was a solid entry.


----------



## Pan-on (Apr 26, 2009)

Vergil said:


> *Entry 1:*
> 
> I liked it. I thought it was written well. The speech was very strong, considering he was selling a book to teachers. What nationality would Yakeyonny be? Native Indian? That?s what I?m assuming and I think it should be made clearer earlier. Really that?s my only real problem with it.
> 
> ...



you need to edit this so the marks are out of 10 so we can calculate averages.

as to my piece, he was dreaming.

Anyway here are my ratings

inkling


*Spoiler*: __ 



I can't work out how to rate this, it's a brilliant example of a speech but as a story it lacks context, had this speech been part of a story it would have been amazing. That said you certainly know the subject matter and the speech is very convincing and does everything it should.
7.5/10





Tyrael

*Spoiler*: __ 



Aside from a few little things that need edited in the first two paragraphs this is very good, again it suffers a little from lack of context but not to the same degree. The last few lines are very well done and the change of justification does a nice job of emphasising it. This would be a brilliant beginning to a longer piece, alone it is a little short and lacks a few things but it could be part of a great whole.
7.5/10




sel

*Spoiler*: __ 



I love the idea behind this but the execution is not so great. It has some great images, the last paragraph especially, and the tone is perfect but it is clunky and does not flow well. I think this could benefit from some time spent revising it.
6/10




Vergil

*Spoiler*: __ 



My biggest problem with this piece is that I saw the end coming after about the second paragraph (although I didnt expect it to be the same manager who had been sent to hospital). Technically there are no major problems although there are some parts at the beginning which seem a little unecassary, like you are repeating things to build up the effect that the team were crap a bit too much. The ending was much better pace wise but I would have like to have seen something more interesting happen.
6/10


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## Vergil (Apr 27, 2009)

cheers - guys, will try and take it on board for the next one. I'm trying to write a football story - which is a bit tricky and oddly the half time team talk is one of the facets I was having the most problem with. Short of using Mike Bassets one against Mexico, though that would have been class. I figured a Braveheart/300 one would have been a bit OTT. 

@Anon - I'm not a fan of huge twists, though I was considering having him shout at the players through the big TV in the stadium. I figured it would get through to the players better if he showed up in person - or if it was an angry fan. But yeah, maybe I did labour the point that they were playing badly a bit much - for 500 words that section should have been a bit smaller. thanks.

@Ty: I'd love to know which bit was difficult to read, obviously as the writer I find it easy to read. I suppose 2 days of introspection after a game is a bit much . The numbers - well I've always been told that if you are going to use numbers you have to be consistent and use them throughout. and I'm just so used to seeing numbers in football stats I thought using words would seem unnatural. Still, perhaps it's different in books - I'll check out a few football books to see.

(btw - not trying to defend myself in a petulant manner - just trying to get some opinions on it)


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## Pan-on (Apr 27, 2009)

Vergil said:


> cheers - guys, will try and take it on board for the next one. I'm trying to write a football story - which is a bit tricky and oddly the half time team talk is one of the facets I was having the most problem with. Short of using Mike Bassets one against Mexico, though that would have been class. I figured a Braveheart/300 one would have been a bit OTT.
> 
> @Anon - I'm not a fan of huge twists, though I was considering having him shout at the players through the big TV in the stadium. I figured it would get through to the players better if he showed up in person - or if it was an angry fan. But yeah, maybe I did labour the point that they were playing badly a bit much - for 500 words that section should have been a bit smaller. thanks.
> 
> ...



nah dont worry about it, its just constructive crit and its not like were not prone to the same

I wouldn't say a big twist was necassary exactly, just maybe something else happening to liven it up since it kind of just goes "we have a problem" - "now were the fine"


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## Tyrael (Apr 27, 2009)

Vergil said:


> @Ty: I'd love to know which bit was difficult to read, obviously as the writer I find it easy to read. I suppose 2 days of introspection after a game is a bit much . The numbers - well I've always been told that if you are going to use numbers you have to be consistent and use them throughout. and I'm just so used to seeing numbers in football stats I thought using words would seem unnatural. Still, perhaps it's different in books - I'll check out a few football books to see.
> 
> (btw - not trying to defend myself in a petulant manner - just trying to get some opinions on it)



It's no bother man, if I can't justify my critique then I'm rubbish at critiquing. Actually, the way you phrased it was dramatic, as if suffering from trauma, but the idea of the trauma only lasting two days made the way you presented it seem hyperbolic. Here's more detail on what I meant by the difficult to read part; something about this threw me off:



> ?Third! Remember how you got here. I?m not talkin? about the fucking bus journey, though you can remember Reggies big fat arse behind the steering wheel in your own time? James laughed inwardly, ?I?m talking about the early morning starts and the hours of trainin? you put in. I?m talkin? about the time when you beat players better than you, when you won, not by yourselves but as a team.?



I think it was a bit too sudden and I was still trying to digest what the manager was saying before he talked about the bus journey. The speech was paced a bit too fast and had left me behind by this point, so I had to read it a few times to take everything in. I would imagine that if this was spoken aloud there would be pauses, but it isn't so I found all the information a bit difficult to grasp. Still, that may have been more the fault of tiredness as opposed to any fault on your part.


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## Vergil (Apr 27, 2009)

Just realised all three of us are from Scotland 

@anon: I see. I'm not sure what else I could have done though in the scope of a football half time team talk. Perhaps if I had taken out a few sentences from the beginning, I would have translated the talk into an action sequence on the pitch, with the words repeating through the players minds.

@Ty: yeah - I was going for a fast paced assault on their low self confidence rather than a measured approach. A guy that injects passion into them. I probably could have done more to emphasise that point

But points taken, I'll try and rework it a bit


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## Pan-on (Apr 27, 2009)

we are truly taking over


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## sel (Apr 27, 2009)

You can take my LD, but you can't take my freedom.

Will rate pronto guys though


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## Pan-on (May 4, 2009)

bump, we need more ratinggggggggggz


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## The Bloody Nine (May 6, 2009)

Sorry i didn't enter. With the broken keyboard and impending exams i didn't really get a chance. I probably wont do the next one either. 

Anyhow;

inkling;


*Spoiler*: __ 





Unlike the others i really liked how overly self conscious your protagonist became, in fact i thought the lines "He clung to the sensation of impending drip" where touching on genius. 

Overall though, I thought it was a very solid technical piece and i really like the wry humor at the end and the moral complexity of the whole piece.

8/10 




Anon


*Spoiler*: __ 



Well its nice to have you back, i think i enjoyed this piece more than any of your others and im sure you know i enjoyed your other work quite a lot. 

The style was disjointed and the pacing was furious - exactly like a nightmare. The dialogue was also really strong, it felt like we really where hearing the thoughts of a mad man and the cyclical and humorous nature of the finale was definitely an added bonus. 

However there was also a few, minor, technical errors. Some have already been pointed out and then theer was this;

"but whatever came after that was lost with my consciousness."

Still like i said - relatively minor - but im also docking half a point because i have no idea how it relates to the weekly theme. 

Also, i always appreciate leaning a new word.

9/10




Ty


*Spoiler*: __ 



Sorry this is so short but most of what i wanted to say has already been said. The first paragraph was shaky, the second rousing, the next few lines was suitably epic and then...

"The word?s spoke from his eyes far more powerfully."

now i don't know if that was my own sense of aesthetics or is it was a grammatical error but something about that sentence jarred me. On the other hand i really liked the way you twisted this weeks theme.

6/10 




Sel


*Spoiler*: __ 





I think i liked your piece more than the others because i was pleasantly surprised by the contemporary political context but like they all said I thought it had quite a few technical and stylistic problems. 

6/10




Vergil


*Spoiler*: __ 





I liked you where able to set up the whole manager twist ( thats the closest word i could think of) in so few words and i also liked how you where brave enough to attempt and moderately succeed a creating a genuinely rousing speech. 

It did feel a bit cheesy though. 

7/10


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## Pan-on (May 9, 2009)

Just as a note, since nobody seems to get it, my piece is linked to the theme because he is being awoken by a speech repeatedly. It is ROUSING him from sleep. Get it 

we still need some more ratings people


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## graysocks (May 9, 2009)

I was actually planning on entering this but the question was a little intimidating, been busy not doing exams, dog ate homework etc. I'll get back into this business for the next one.

Inkling:


The atmosphere of his nervousness was quite powerful to begin with but I felt his resolve came all a little too much too soon. The theme of being unnerved evaporated into pure strength without any note of transaction between them. I was more interested in his position than the content of the speech itself, which I guess is what it went onto: the fic soon became purely the speech than a story, which is my main gripe. The character of the man was well delivered by his words and reactions, and the speech itself strong, just felt a bit like 2 stories cut and shut together in the middle.

6.5/10

Anon:

It was a bear!? The description of the scene was great and kept me reading, which is the most important thing of course. I like hearing about the colour of the sand and the uncomfort of the seat, brings the reader into the world. It was a tad confusing though, I didn't really know what was going on. I thought the protagonist was presenting, then hes on a beach, then a sabertooth penguin bear is about, then a student again, then awake! Think it would require a few more words for it to work properly as far as a convincing piece but it was certainly fun to read and well written. It was funny too, I liked the "just a prank that went horribly right" line lol.

7.5/10

Tyrael:

Although the first paragraph is contstructed well the content didn't keep me enthused. Maybe it's a taste thing but I don't really like the whole fire and brimstone, blood and fortresses thing much. For me it just feels drab and gloomy but I know a lot of people love that stuff. Past that though it did interest me. I liked the description of the King, the line of him turning to his army  as if challanging him in particular. The twist of his head being hung was good, I think the final line is let down with the word "powerfully" though.

6.5/10

Sel:

I liked the first line, reminded me of Tony Blair lol. The protagonist seemed jaded by his own life, career and those he was once representing, during a time of celebration of its end no less. The anger mixed well with how worn and feeble he also appeared to be. For how short the piece was it conveyed much of his character, without giving name,age or any real background which is impressive. The story itself didn't hold much plot though. It didn't really go anywhere, or more importantly have a place to go. This made it not as much of an entertaining read as it could have been, it would be a great segment of a full story but in itself I don't think it can satisfy.

7/10

Vergil:

The second paragraph was great, using generic insults fans would sling at someone, yet the person questioning them in himself. I always feel bad for athletes or even just celebrities who have to withstand onslaughts yet smile through them, even though they are human no less. I think more work could be put into how drained the dressing room was, the key to the story seems to not be the great task they have ahead of them with points but with their mentalities, so it is paramount to have them conveyed perfectly to the reader. The end line was good, I'm glad the outcome wasn't revealed also. A few touch ups on the atmosphere but the story itself is solid and fun to read.

7.5/10


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## Tyrael (May 9, 2009)

Ze results:

III:


*Spoiler*: __ 



Tyrael




II:


*Spoiler*: __ 



Anon




I:


*Spoiler*: __ 



Inkling




Full results:

*Spoiler*: __ 




Inkling: 7.4
Anon: 7.125
Tyrael: 7
sel: 5.4
Vergil: 6.625




Congrats to ze winners.


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## Pan-on (May 19, 2009)

New FF is up, I chose the subject since Inkling hasnt been online for almost 2 weeks


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## Pintsize (May 25, 2009)

Starting the 29(ish), I'm going to be gone for 10 days on vacation. 

If you're wondering where ratings/other things are, that's where.


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## Garfield (May 28, 2009)

Hey Anon, gimme just a bit more time please, I typed mine up but need to go through it  once when I come back before posting.


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## Pan-on (May 28, 2009)

Adee said:


> Hey Anon, gimme just a bit more time please, I typed mine up but need to go through it  once when I come back before posting.



Thats fine, mine probably wont be up today after all.

It's never closed on time anyway, I just put a random date down when I made it.


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## Garfield (May 30, 2009)

Scratch that, mine totally sucked  Next time...


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## Tyrael (May 30, 2009)

I say you give it a go anyway-at this rate, this contest is going to be here a long while if we don't get some entrants.


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## Trunkten (May 30, 2009)

I'm trying to do something, but I'm yet to come up with an attempt that hasn't been metaphorically crumpled up and tossed in the waste paper basket.


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## Garfield (May 31, 2009)

Gah, sorry man I tried again but I can't come up with anywhere near decent shit. >_>


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## Trunkten (May 31, 2009)

Will have mine up sometime tomorrow I hope, although I do not promise quality.


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## Pan-on (May 31, 2009)

cool cool, Im going to try and get mine done today.


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## Trunkten (Jun 5, 2009)

Is it possible to post up an edited version of my entry if I get it finished before the contest closes?


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## Pan-on (Jun 5, 2009)

Trunkten said:


> Is it possible to post up an edited version of my entry if I get it finished before the contest closes?



ehh i think so, its not like you can go back and change the answers when you see others work.


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## Pan-on (Jun 6, 2009)

My FF is up now which makes 5 I think, I will leave it open until later on tonight since trunkten wanted to edit his, anyone else who wants to enter better get a move on.


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## Tyrael (Jun 6, 2009)

I'm gonna say we close it on Monday.

So anyone still hanging back has a day and half(ish).

Edit-Actually, unless anybody has any interest, Anon'll be closing it tonight.


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## Pan-on (Jun 8, 2009)

Rating time

Pintsize


*Spoiler*: __ 



I liked this, it was similar to the kind of thing I was originally going to write. There is a little bit in the second paragraph at the beginning that doesn't makes sense, I think it might be a wrong word, and it could be slightly clearer at points but apart from that I have no major problems with this. Flows well and your word choice is great.

8/10




Tyrael


*Spoiler*: __ 



This had a great atmosphere to it overall, and it seemed guenuinely like a series of flashback which helped it adhere to the theme. My problem with this is your tone is sometime spoiled by the language you use in my opinion, I also don't understand the opening line. Besides that it was pretty solid, flow was fine and it was interesting.

7.5/10





Amnesia


*Spoiler*: __ 



As with most of your writing it taked a little reading to get your head around what is going on, but once you do its great. Your imagery and atmosphere are both amazing and you even managed good characterisation in a something like this. The voice is probably the best part, narrative fits so well. The only critisim I can really make is that it is not the most clear thing to read, but then it might not work if it was clear so im not sure I can say that.

9/10



Trunkten


*Spoiler*: __ 



I can see what you mean, it is more like the beginning of something than a freestanding story. As a beginning I think it is pretty good but as a story there is too much detail and not enough going on. Some nice word choice and a nice set tone but it lacks action or depth which is a pity. It is a great setup for a story though, I can practically see the opening paragraph.

6/10




Graysocks


*Spoiler*: __ 



Some great little details in here, the bit about the tea a thte end was my favourite. Solid plot, good atmosphere but it all seems wrapped up too quickly which is a shame. A longer version of this would have been better I think, you have some great little phrases and i'm sure more had to be cut out, as well as the ending rushed to fit the word limit. Still and enjoyable story however.

7.5/10


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## Amnesia (Jun 9, 2009)

*Spoiler*: _Pintsize_ 




This line de-railed me with every re-read unfortunately: "The phone was placed the phone on the desk..." Also, pretty heavy passivity in voice throughout the piece. Although it can certainly add to that reflective, wistful tone that resonated throughout the work, it does come across overdone at several points. Theme fit thinly and didn't appear to be as tight, focused as it might have been for impact. Vague, wistful air which fit the nature of the work, but at the same time, this deliberate abstractness distracted more so... (Of course, look who's talking, eh?)  Disparity between "Lisa" and "monosyllabled charm of hate"? I may have confused myself there in mistaking the name as the "charm of hate".  Also, the progression of the way the name is said (from "familiar" to something loathsome) is rather fuzzy, seems like it needs to be more explicit to be definitive, sharp. Nice, detailed touch on the yellowed smile. 

Awesome lines: "A piece of the past that can be put away at any time."  and "The mixed aroma of grilled chicken and sour beer came to mind..." One line really kind of smacked me in the head when I wasn’t expecting it; not the most pleasant way either. "It was a short but brilliant reminder, but how long had it taken for the ink to dry on this paper?"  Came out of left field it seemed after detailing the wax pillar. All in all, felt more scattered than focused. 

*5.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 




Opening line – great hook. Solid surface story and leaves an undercurrent beneath that top layer which adds rather than subtracts, especially considering the nature of the theme(s). Good name drop on Big Brother- took me a couple seconds to recognize it in conjunction with the story but it helped to have that big hint there. Tone is smooth for the most part, although, there are points that do snag me up that is particular to your writing voice.  The one major line that stuck out like a nail: "There were two keys to my stay." I'm not sure I understand what sense is meant by 'two keys to my stay’ in regards to the fight and the woman; what was significant about them that made them 'keys'? Also, what keeping those 'three hyenas' from being just one person since there is little distinction made among them? Overall, a very thoughtful, insightful piece in my mind which succeeded at doing what it set out to do.

Also, a thought for your style: passive voice. Whenever I read your work it comes across muted; soft even. Compare paragraphs seven ("In all truth…") and eight ("There were two..") against each other and you can see the difference. For this piece, I think it works because of the strongly reflective nature in the story. In fact, a lot of your work oscillates between active and passive voice to a pretty even extent, but enough that I would wager it takes away more than it adds.  Just something to consider.

*7.5/10*






*Spoiler*: _Anon_ 





First have to say, although the awkward blind date gone bad concept is a bit cliché, I think you resuscitated it and gave it new life à la Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein. Loved all the quirks about Ethan like the homepage and his use of dating tips from a book, but I think the last line about aliens and Photoshop sealed it for me.  Solid entry with the top story layer and the dashes of humor sprinkled on top. Entertaining piece.  Liked how you played on the theme.

As for style and tone the only thing that caught me up in particular was this: "her eyes, so dark green that..." -- The 'so' as a way to modify an adjective... I'm the last one who should be pulling out a grammar nitpick, but it just sounded awkward. Loved this image: "...going back and forth like a silent typewriter."

*8/10 *






*Spoiler*: _Graysocks_ 




I'll definitely have to echo Anon in that this seemed to wrap up too soon, however, you did make it work with the word count, despite the slight rush and choppiness.  Probably attributes to the fact that I still can't quite get a clear picture of how Carter actually pulled off the double-homicide as he did; it's as though all the stage directions are almost there but they came across as murky. The fact that you pretty much halved the piece from what it had been though is damned impressive.  Solidly written in as far as what’s going on, but there were a few awkward phrases here and there, for me at least. It’s probably just me being silly, but this in particular read a bit redundant, "...Carter then tip toed out of the room, hoping to not alert the corpses that he was still up at this time of night."  Another interesting thing to note would be how this piece just barely toes the borderline between parody and seriousness, with the tea line, I think. Least, that’s how I read it. 

Also, as Anon pointed out, some great phrases; my favorite: "The clock clicked with violence..." Absolutely loved that last twist at the end in regards to the security cameras – very clever I thought. As for the last line itself, ending the piece right at that last bit of dialogue would have delivered a much stronger kick than the actual finishing sentence, I think.

*7.5/10*






*Spoiler*: _Trunkten_ 




Solid across the board in terms of style and all but I can't seem to be able to find any real direction or progression other than that designated at the end of the piece.  Even at the finish, it was fairly open ended which kind of brings round that whole idea that it could be the leaping point of a story rather than its own encapsulated entity.  

As for theme, I'm afraid the piece hit me at such an oblique angle that it's hard to see where the theme fits clearly aside from the photograph and it's compelling message. Lovely job on layering the nostalgia and wistfulness, somewhat like Pint's piece, but with greater clarity, I think. Strong, consistent voice, straightforward structure, and solid but it seemed to lack a certain overarching impact to it that would have made it stand out much more. Bit on the bland side as far as language and attention-grabbing.

*6/10*


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## Pintsize (Jun 9, 2009)

> I may have confused myself there in mistaking the name as the "charm of hate".



No confusion, the name was the charm of hate. 

I'll get to rating soon.


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## Pan-on (Jun 16, 2009)

raaaaaaaatings people


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## graysocks (Jun 17, 2009)

Aye, aye, hold your horses and so on. Sorry I've been so long with these, it's in part guilty to my busy start to the summer and my own laziness, but here you are!

Pintsize:

This had an unusual flow to it in that some segments seemed to take steps into eachother rather than flow together, yet the whole piece as a whole worked well together. It definately picked up some momentum coming to the end, where I ended up enjoying the piece.

7/10

Tyrael:

 enjoyed this also. Nothing to fault really, other than that some sentances seemed to drag their feet with too many commas, otherwise the flow was good and enjoyable again. The atmosphere was strong, and somewhat intimidating at times, which I guess is a good thing!

7/10

Amnesia:

I found it tough to get into this and for me that is a problem with reading, I can have a terrible attention span. Saying that though, getting through it, it had a unique feel to it, I liked in particular some of your descriptions of what you were writing about, his fingers being raw and cracked after a session, for example.

8/10


Trunkten:

Like you noted yourself its more of an opening than a story in itself, I suck getting around this count format too haha! It's a shame you couldn't write more though as it was pretty good.

6/10

Anon:


Your really coming on leaps and bounds with your writing and I felt it was the standout piece this time around. As usual you mixed humour well with an unpredictable series of events, although like the last piece it could be hard to follow what was going on exactly, with it delving into the story without any pretense of the characters or situation. Saying that, I had the most fun reading it and I felt it was the best written also.

9/10


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## Tyrael (Jun 20, 2009)

My ratings me be a bit weird, but I'm not feeling to great the day.

Pintsize: 8.5/10

Nice images, well structured, really nice tone. Got the idea across implicitly, but powerfully. Not sure what I can say about this exactly.

Amnesia: 8.5/10

A strange gait to this piece, but once you adjust to it the language is brilliant. Perhaps too subtle. Still not sure what was really going on.

Trunkten: 7/10

Roughly the same idea as Pint’s, but unfortunately the images and language weren’t as well constructed. What it did, however, well was give us a very purposeful end. There was a drive, a hunger, in there that worked very well.

Anon: 7.5/10

Sehr gut. A few awkward phrases spoiled some lovely lines, but it was rather funny overall. 

Graysocks: 7.5/10

Best use of the theme this week, some really nice lines and a good twist. A few lines that needed an extra comma or so.


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## Pan-on (Jun 20, 2009)

One more rating would be nice, so this will be left open till say, 10pm tonight then counted up.

1337th post


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## sel (Jun 20, 2009)

*Spoiler*: _Pint_ 




Some fantastic phrases here, but I didn't the the piece was entirely well connected -- but did pick up as you got towards the end Likewise was a tad hard to follow at one or two points. Decent idea, but just the execution was a little off.

5.5





*Spoiler*: _Ty_ 




I really enjoyed this, great idea it was. Had to read that one sentence near the beginning twice for me to realise that the dashes were forming parenthesis but apart from that technicality, not much wrong with it. Characterization solid likewise, and the voice/tone really went well with the piece. Not sure if you meant for it to be so but yeah. Simple, yet good.

8





*Spoiler*: _Ams_ 



Interesting, and laced with that style that makes your writing your writing. Solid metaphors and kept it going all the way through. That said, still not entirely sure what's going on.

7





*Spoiler*: _Trunkten_ 



I liked it a lot, gave me a little bit of a Murakami (a la Dancex3) vibe and the last two paragraphs were particularly smooth and purposeful. Can definitely see it going somewhere good

7.5





*Spoiler*: _Anon_ 




You are fantastic -- my favourite this week. Even aside from the end, was generally funny and well thought out, even pretty good from a stylistic point of view. Maybe one or two rewordings (Something that could've been sorted by a careful proofread--that said rather hypocritical of me to bang on about that) but that's all.

9





*Spoiler*: _Grayfox_ 




Best in terms of fitting the theme, and decent twist. Aside from that however thought it was just _okay_ -- nothing that really wowed me save that ending which made me smile a bit. Then again you had to shop it in half and I understand expecting you to be a miracle worker might be a bit much

6


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## Buskuv (Jul 3, 2009)

Awww yeahhh

I can't believe I'm the first entry.


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## sel (Jul 4, 2009)

Second to Andrew. Not the first time it's happenned in here

edit: Interesting there Ty. That's an Irish thing, starting speech with a dash? The only place I've ever seen that is Joyce.


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## graysocks (Jul 14, 2009)

Right, as it's closed here's my crit. Big numbers this time from me as I enjoyed every piece.

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian

Some interesting punctuation in this. So many semi-colons and dashes it was like you were using every trick in the book, yet it didn't come out looking too cluttered and trying too hard like such writing usually does, although I felt it was a bit excessive at times. I loved the imagery of the guy the protagonist was talking too, his speech was excelent. My main qualm is that at times I found it difficult to follow what was going on.

7/10

Sel

I laughed out loud at some parts of this, especially the pretentious and literary part Defining Wilde and Iris Murdoch readers haha. This was very easy to read and follow, and thus enjoy. The ending was great, humourous yet also kinda depressing. Great writing, although I didn't feel so much for the character as I did for the writing itself.

8/10


Tyrael


The first sentance had me confuddled, I couldn't get my head around it. I think it was the "as was his wont" that got me, as I'm told now that it's an expression that I'm not aware of lol. I liked how you developed the story in parts. As the story progressed it became easier to follow and more interesting, I don't know if this was due to you settling into the story or if it was me settling in, either way it made good reading.

8/10


Lord Yu

This is the first fic I've seen you enter so I was looking forward to reading it. Your dialogue was excelent, the transaction into the slitting of the throat was smooth and unexpected. I loved the line "we are artists and the street is our canvas." I don't know why this wasn't uncomfortable to read, it bloody well should've been. This was my favorite.

9/10


Anon

The characters were excelent in this. They came out very well for how few words you were given. The obvious question line was great, infact there were quite a few funny lines. I felt the dialogue rushed through the plot a little bit once it got going though. Saying that, this piece was colourful and definately fun to read. Who doesn't love pirates?

8.5/10


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## Tyrael (Jul 14, 2009)

sel said:


> Second to Andrew. Not the first time it's happenned in here
> 
> edit: Interesting there Ty. That's an Irish thing, starting speech with a dash? The only place I've ever seen that is Joyce.



Haha-actually, it's a "literary" thing. Decided to be pretentious, so I just stole it without proper knowledge of what it actually means.

'xpect ratings soon.


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## Lord Yu (Jul 14, 2009)

More reviews. I need validation.


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## Pan-on (Jul 17, 2009)

Critical thinking time.


*Spoiler*: __ 




Boskov

Clever Idea but the flow was hurt by all the short sentances which left it a little hard to understand. Liked the ending and the repitition.

7/10

Sel

Very amusing piece, loved the beginning but I think you took the comparisons a bit too far leaving it feeling less like a story and more like an article. the second half was not as interesting as the first but the last few lines were great.

7.5/10

Tyrael

As I said to you before, I like the idea and I think it would make a good short story but I think you over complicated it slightly and left it a little confusing especially in regards to Tisall.

7.5

Yu

Lovely little scene, characterisation is great and its very funny, iv never tried to write anything like that myself and it makes me want to try. The lack of explanation helps the scene work but I feel it would be better set inside some larget plot, still very good work.

9/10

Graysocks

Probably the most amusing idea as well as being incredibly random. I like your atmosphere as usual and there are some great lines, especially at the beginning. The story lacks a little on its own however, it would be better served as part of a longer story.

7.5/10


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## Tyrael (Jul 17, 2009)

Blarg, short ratings from me this week (heh) so I compensated for it by giving you all strange names.

*Boskovokovov person-8.5*

Loved the style, loved the ideas, great atmosphere. Felt too big for the word limit, felt a little too ambiguous. Still zehr gut.

*Sel the belle of londinium-6.5*

A tone is established nicely, you keep the style consistent and characterisation is, as ever, top notch. It did feel like you lingered over the idea too long, however, not developing it. No real wow factor in this.

*Tyrahael-a lot, like more than you can imagine*

Truly, you are the new Dickens. Or maybe even the new Meyer.

*Allonimous Campbelton-5.5*

Didn’t really come off-wasn’t as funny as it was trying to be, and the ending seemed to cop out. Didn’t really find the dialogue convincing. Ending, however, was top notch.

*It takes two to tango with Yu-7*

Needs more commas. I liked the lurid tone and the manic insanity you imbue in the characters-stylistic needs a bit of work.

*The Gray Statue-9*

Stylistically the most accomplished. I loved the flow of the text and the use of language. An amusing concept that captured the character very well. Pick of ze bunch this week.


----------



## Lord Yu (Jul 17, 2009)

7, quite harsh.


----------



## Tyrael (Jul 18, 2009)

Seven is quite a good rating-it's at least a whole point higher than my FF average. Things have just been skewed pretty high this week since Gray and Anon seemed to like all of the pieces.


----------



## Lord Yu (Jul 18, 2009)

A point higher than average hurts my overachieving self.


----------



## Pan-on (Jul 21, 2009)

buuuuuump, more ratings pleaaaaase


----------



## Jarl lKarl (Jul 27, 2009)

As per Anon's suggestion, I offer my input. This is going to uncomfortable for all involved, given my awkwardness with the Pitchfork grading metric, but what's a girl to do?


*Spoiler*: _Boskov_ 




The style and tone were great; you communicated precisely what you meant to. The story itself was good, but I have to echo an earlier criticism that the setting was too ambitious for the format. Overall though, my favorite entry.

*8.5*





*Spoiler*: _Sel_ 




Well written, and surprisingly relevant (I'm taking for granted that everyone here wants to be a writer). The makings of a real short story are here, which is its biggest weakness; this story deserves to be longer, like the above, and a shade less sarcastic.

*7.0*





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 




This one gets points for managing to include an actual plot, complete with a twist. The language and diction are good, though the formatting is arcane. Something about the setting made me like this story less than I ought have, given its technical merits.

*7.5*





*Spoiler*: _Anon_ 




I feel largely the same about this one as I do about the above; kudos on the plot, but I'm not really feeling the pirate vibe, ya dig? The diction is awkward in some places, but fundamentally sound; practice makes perfect. The ending is somewhat ambiguous, but delightful in any case.

*6.5*





*Spoiler*: _Yu_ 




Admittedly, my least favorite concept, but it acquits itself in its execution. Could stand a run through the formatting machine. Then again, given that it's burlesque insanity is its greatest strength, maybe not?

*7.0*





*Spoiler*: _Graysocks_ 




An interesting concept, and kind of funny. Doesn't grab my imagination the way some others do, but still, compels me to ask what that guy's _deal_ is. The phrasing is dense, and it has to be read twice in some places to be fully understood, which hurts the flow a little bit.

*8.0*




As it turns out, my natural inclination is to grade on a curve.


----------



## Tyrael (Jul 30, 2009)

Results-we need to put this thing out of it's misery.


*Spoiler*: _1st:_ 



Graysocks





*Spoiler*: _2nd:_ 



Lord Yu





*Spoiler*: _3rd:_ 



Dr Boskov





*Spoiler*: __ 



BK: 7.75
sel: 7.25
Ty: 7.666666667
Anon: 6.833333333
Yu: 8
Gray: 8.166666667


----------



## Lord Yu (Jul 30, 2009)

Yes, I'm an editor's nightmare. Though this time my excuse is I cracked my piece out in thirty minutes with little thought.


----------



## Tyrael (Jul 30, 2009)

...

Whut?


----------



## Lord Yu (Jul 30, 2009)

I'm saying I'll get you next time my pretty! And your little dog too!


----------



## Tyrael (Jul 30, 2009)

I am not pretty, I'll have you know.


----------



## Pan-on (Aug 15, 2009)

psssst, enter the new FF


----------



## Koi (Aug 18, 2009)

Whew, first FF ever.  It's not that great, but once I got the idea I needed to keep writing before I got bored of it. xD


----------



## Pan-on (Aug 18, 2009)

hooray someone entered, you also used the prompt in a way that was kinda half similar to mine, while still being totally different, good work


----------



## Koi (Aug 18, 2009)

Oh no, really? D8  I honestly didn't read anyone else's. I hope it's not too similar!!


----------



## Pan-on (Aug 18, 2009)

Koi said:


> Oh no, really? D8  I honestly didn't read anyone else's. I hope it's not too similar!!



Nah, just your character is similar, he almost ended up called tim in mine but I thought of something cleverer, i think, which I should have come up with sooner since its practically my name.


----------



## Buskuv (Aug 19, 2009)

I almost wrote one at like 2 am last night.

Then I didn't.  

Try again tonight, I suppose.


----------



## Eevihl (Aug 19, 2009)

Where do we post these FFs?


----------



## Koi (Aug 19, 2009)

^Right here-
Itachi weaker than you thought



Anon said:


> Nah, just your character is similar, he almost ended up called tim in mine but I thought of something cleverer, i think, which I should have come up with sooner since its practically my name.


Nice, heh.

I just needed something short and sweet and related.  I've never written with such a small word constraint.  It was hard, but interesting.  I learned a bit.



Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I almost wrote one at like 2 am last night.
> 
> Then I didn't.
> 
> Try again tonight, I suppose.


That's exactly what I did last night. xD


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## Buskuv (Aug 19, 2009)

Aha!

A member. 

That's how most of mine are spawned: very late at night.


----------



## Eevihl (Aug 19, 2009)

Crap I don't have word so I can't do the 501 word count.


----------



## Tyrael (Aug 19, 2009)

Give this a go.


----------



## Vergil (Aug 19, 2009)

I can never make a different interpretation on the title, I like reading other people's (though sometimes I get confused ), I prefer to go for the most obvious route. 

I'll get some ratings drafted, we waiting on one more submission?


----------



## Tyrael (Aug 20, 2009)

It's on chaps, get your ratings done.


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## Vergil (Aug 22, 2009)

Ok here you go, wish I had more time in the day to be more thorough but damned edinburgh fucking festival won't leave me alone!

*Anon:  8.5*

I hated writing my piece knowing that yours was better. This was my favourite one. Perhaps its because I’ve always enjoyed the idea of a Gods life being like a soap opera due to my love for greek mythology but this really struck a nice chord with me.

Specifically:  Karma being Mother Nature’s mother. It would have been great had the phrase “Karma’s a bitch” come into it but it was great anyways. Also loved the fact that even though the girl got the second chance she still cheated and then got killed. Good stuff. 

“Mr Time looked viewing screen” 

Perhaps a lack of proof reading but I think this was the only error in the piece, aside from a comma or two.

All in all, very entertaining and funny.

*Tyrael:  6*

Not too keen on this one,  I saw what you were doing but didn’t like the idea of it and so it kinda didn’t happen for me.  Language was fine and the conversation was well done, in that I didn’t get confused with who said what, which is so often the case when there is a long bit of convo. 

One of the issues was that there was no connection with any of the characters. I think creating that connection with any sort of differing personalities for the three would have been difficult and would have required more than 500 words. 


*Koi:  7.5*

You know, I’m a dumbass. I didn’t know what the hell you were on about and someone had to explain it to me, then I re-read it and was like “aaaah”. So I liked it but it draws on the assumption that folk know what you are on about, and you refer to specifics which are lost on me,  so I was confused as to what score to give you.  Perhaps someone will fill me in on the folklore and I’ll go “aaah” again.

“The day was spent going the tourist route, because enjoyed gauging the way the visiting climate changed from year to year,”  - missed out a ‘he’

Also that whole sentence I reckon could have been broken up into two, without the use of brackets to describe the cold – maybe I’m wrong though...

Also instead of using ‘it’d all been built’ I think it would have been better to use’ it had’. 

I liked the ending. A very nice sentence and it brought a smile to my face so that in itself deserves kudos.  It was a nice image of the whole metaphor and I enjoyed it (once someone explained it to me)

*Kuno: 7.5*

A wonderfully depressing piece and there were times I connected with the main character and times I didn’t.  I liked the “when did I become my mother” bit but by the same token felt that instead of saying that she had bags under her eyes and lines arond the mouth, a description of those features with her inspecting them with her finger would have been something I could imagine someone doing. This criticism is repeated when she was reflecting on her life. I would perhaps have preferred it without her speaking to herself and with more of an internal dialogue as opposed to an actual one.

Also liked the scene where she grabbed the cigarettes and the description of that whole thing was great – except when you said “too old for this shit” Personally I think the point ofthe piece was to garner sympathy for the lady but it kinda went from me when she cussed. I don’t know why, I think I wanted her to be some flawless saint.

Aside from that it was great. Poor lady, and I did feel for her and a real nice depiction of a life that could have been so different, plus a nice question mark as to whether she did really change her life.


----------



## Pan-on (Sep 1, 2009)

Pretty late with this, here we go!

Ty


*Spoiler*: __ 



I liked the amusing little references scattered about your piece and the scene was set pretty well but my problem with this is that very little actually happens, the ending is somewhat predictable and dull after such a nice build up.

6.5




Koi


*Spoiler*: __ 



I like the idea behind this, I had a similar idea myself but I couldn't think of a good enough setting or plot, your's works really well with the themes present and the tone is nice and consistant. I have no major problems with this piece, a couple of small errors or sentances that could be edited a little but nothing major.

9/10 





Vergil


*Spoiler*: __ 



Your piece is amusing if a little cliche, and the initial scene change works great. Dialog is good and the ending is funny,my only problem is that it doesn't flow as a story, and it's too short for there to be enough flashbacks and such. Isn't it funny that all the Scots wrote about being drunk? 

7.5




Kunoichirule  
*Spoiler*: __ 



This was very well written, I have no problems with the flow or the tone, and it ends well. I do kind of dislike the whole monolgue thing in general, its just a little boring IMO, but that is more of a personal thing than anything else. This would have been good as the beginning of a flashback or as the start of her changing her life, as a standalone it lacks a little. Still the writing is great so keep it up.

7.5


----------



## Amnesia (Sep 4, 2009)

Good god we need to wrap this up... 


*Spoiler*: _Anon_ 




To be perfectly honest, I liked this, however, it struck me as half-baked satire when it could have been much more polished and fine-tuned.  There were some cute references like the Godka which made me grin but stuff like this: "...she treats us like little lost nuclear-armed puppies" -- was awesome.  For the most part, it was inventive but on the fluffy side. 

*7/10*





*Spoiler*: _Ty_ 




Innovative angle for this round for point of view. Story-wise it was rather bland, even for a sort of existential crisis.  Like Anon's, it seemed that the piece was torn between being satirical and making fun of itself, not clearly choosing one or the other and ending, stuck in a middling ground. 

*6.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Koi_ 




Concept-wise, I loved this. The end paragraph just sold the piece for me. But with that said, there were a number of snarled sentences that tripped me up, that first paragraph being a particularly guilty. Structurally, it came together at its crescendo at that very end while that initial half seemed lacklustre by comparison. I think it could have been brought into sharper focus at points. Liked the Tim/Time nod. 

*7.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Vergil_ 




I admit, this had me snickering -- it reminded me of several friends and their various escapades, actually. But I do have to agree it was a fairly vanilla story without many turns or twists. On the flip side, it was solidly written and flowed quite well.  

*7/10*





*Spoiler*: _Kunoichirule_ 




My first thoughts echo Anon's in that this is a very solid, well-written piece, but at the same time it strayed into a bit cliche melodramatic territory while getting at all the troubles of this woman's life. It was also a very straight-forward piece, not really bringing in a new angle per se. The end was predictable, but then, that' part of the heart of the theme of New Year it seems -- new beginnings. 

*6.5/10 *


----------



## Koi (Sep 4, 2009)

Okay, I know I'm super-late also, because of work and class and general IRL crap.   I should have my reviews posted tonight.


----------



## Tyrael (Sep 4, 2009)

Haha, you're no later than the rest of us.

'Bout time I made an effort, too, to do some reviews. We need to put this one to sleep.


----------



## Vergil (Sep 4, 2009)

yeah don't mind me I'vs just got fuck all else to do


----------



## Pan-on (Sep 6, 2009)

Vergil said:


> yeah don't mind me I'vs just got fuck all else to do



Clearly that is a lie and you just value the FF above all else as everyone should, you are clearly an example to us all :ho


----------



## Buskuv (Sep 19, 2009)




----------



## Vergil (Sep 19, 2009)

I'd like to second that sentiment. Lets get to the next one!


----------



## Pan-on (Sep 19, 2009)

yeah come on people WE JUST NEED ONE MORE RATING


----------



## Kuno (Sep 19, 2009)

I?m sorry it?s taken me so long to do this.  I have issues giving out criticisms of any kind.  So sorry if these reviews are short and suck.  So that being said?

Also?I give you guys tons of credit for writing these FF?s.  I didn?t realize how hard it is to keep it under 500 words.  


*Spoiler*: __ 



Anon- 7.5

I really enjoyed the story.  It was pretty funny with the two communicating and getting the creation of ?New Years? started.  Though when it came down to the end I felt it was kind of rushed.  And, honestly it kind of lost me.

Tyrael- 7.5

Your story was very interesting.  I was rather amused at the take of the frogs celebrating the New Years.  It was very well written and a lot of fun to read.  Though it was very straight forward and you didn?t have to think much in reading it.

Koi- 8

Other than a few errors I really got into your story.  It made me really think about what was going on in the situation.  A very interesting take on things.

Vergil- 7.5

I have to admit yours had me laughing out loud.  Though only thing that bothered me was the use of swear words in descriptions rather than just when the character was talking.


----------



## Pan-on (Sep 19, 2009)

ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND the final scores on the door are:

1st - koi - 8
2nd - me -7.6666666666666666666667
3rd - vergil - 7.333333333333333333333

kunochirule -7.166666666666666666667
ty - 6.625

congratulations to koi and its her choice of the new topic


----------



## Koi (Sep 19, 2009)

8O Jeebus, thanks guys!  Sorry I didn't have time to rate, school and work and school and an EXAM ALREADY ate my time.  Time to pick a topic!  I have to think about this one, heh.

Edit- How about.. 'Weapon of Choice'? :ho


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## Pan-on (Sep 26, 2009)

Didn't notice that edit there, since nobody else did it I made the new FF thread so get cracking people FF time yay


----------



## Amnesia (Jan 16, 2010)

*Spoiler*: _Sel_ 





First of all, as with the first time I read this, I love the ideas in this. The surreal atmosphere, the music/childhood creativity motifs contrasted with the restraint of the wall/present ”gormless” self reflected in– great ideas. However, the language did not feel as fluid as I believe it could have been. That sense of effortlessness I’ve grown so accustomed to in your style through past works has spoiled me – in a number of places this piece here felt like it was reaching and straining. It struck me as a bit clunky (then again, I shouldn’t be talking =/). In regards to the dialogue as well, a good portion of it straddled the line between cliché and awesome, at least for me. Perfect example:



> "But first," he said, anticipating my next question, "you must fight. Look into yourself and wage bloody battle against the demons that have plagued the realms of your consciousness until you are all that's left standing."



Love that last bit “until you are all that’s left standing”. The battle against inner demons, however – I think it could have been better.  
Overall, rusty, but not out of the game.  The idea of music/the flugelhorn as weapon of choice was also great.

*7.5/10*





*Spoiler*: __Allismine__ 





I admit, this piece is not easy to delve into, namely because it seems to try so hard to be vague and mysterious – namely in those first two paragraphs. Only at the third paragraph, it seems, does the story write itself into coherence, but once it gets going, it becomes a very clear and very solid piece of writing work. 

The story as a whole worked in that it was clear and explicit; however, it felt familiar enough to be on the cliché side in a very obvious sense.  The idea of the curse was an interesting one, but it seemed to be pulled up too last minute – until the point at which it is actually mentioned, I got the sense that this was a bit of a random, dramatic fight on a cliff side by the sea – something which takes the greatest bulk of the narrative. 

I like the use of the trident as the weapon, given that there aren’t that many warriors who fight with that kind of weapon. Also, liked the mythology nods to sea gods – made me think this warrior was the son of Poseidon or some similar figure. The Sea and Sky element was also a nice tough I thought, given how it related back to the protagonist’s father and his madness. 

Overall, thought it was decently written, however, it could have been tweaked to be a bit clearer and perhaps and little more engaging by not focusing so wholly on the battle at hand. This is a good, solid start, but I think it could have been better. 

*7/10*





*Spoiler*: _Anon_ 





So the kudos made me grin like no tomorrow, but then, you already knew that. Anyway, as for the story itself – it’s solidly written and very easy to follow, but I think it suffers from awkward pacing.  Also think there is a hint of awkwardness between past and present tense which doesn’t come across as smoothly in some places as it does in others. Three-fourths of the piece is spent in the build-up and laying the ground work and then, when the kudos are actually reached, it’s a very brief and somewhat anti-climactic end which raises more questions. It’s a bit of a Catch-22. It’s great in that it links back to explaining the mystery of Professor Shimoku’s letter, but the letter itself and the logic of its existence generate a lot of questions. 

The facts in the letter:



> “As you know I came to this island to study the kudos and their intriguing ability to survive despite predators; but I came across something even more interesting. I need help with my investigation and I remember how reliable you are; I can’t say anymore by letter but please come quickly.”



Are in direct conflict with the facts of the narrator’s memory:



> It was odd. I saw Professor Shimoku after he returned from the island where the kudos live and he didn’t mention a letter or anything interesting on the island. In fact he told me the trip had been a waste of time.



These two ideas in combination with the hypnosis strike me as a disparity, even though it's noted as 'odd' by the narrator. How is it possible to have information about kudos or ‘come across something even more interesting’ when these kudos pre-empt recollection of those individuals (the professor and narrator in this case) of ever having encountered the kudos? Or so that’s the sense I get from the phrase that both the professor and narrator use, that the visit to the island is ‘a waste of time’. Such a phrase is especially odd from a professor who has an active interest in studying these rare birds. This sense of missing logic is also reinforced by the narrator’s reaction at the very close as well.  I can think up a few scenarios in my head, but from the piece itself, it’s just not clear enough. It’s a hiccup in the story line that crushes my suspension of disbelief. Of course, I could be over thinking this. 

Nevertheless, good ideas and great style in this piece, but I do think they need a bit more work for clarity and fluidity. 

*7/10*





*Spoiler*: _Vergil_ 





This piece was probably one of the better written pieces this round – it’s got such distinct voice and style and yet it carries well with both story and then a little something extra. It’s a nice balance of elements going on here. The story itself is nice and straightforward and very well put together with the connection to power and the Orwell story. The ending just reinforced everything at the finish and tied it up neatly. Wouldn't say it kept me on the edge of my seat however.

Of the few things I’m gonna nit-pick on, I’d say there are some little snags and snares in the sentences which give the piece a fairly rough feel to everything, but overall, they aren’t so glaring as to interfere with the main ideas.  Just has a rugged quality to it. Really liked this piece – the ideas presented in it and the way Jack Bauer and 24 segued into this accidental killing. 

Really liked the strong and consistent use of past and present tenses, as well as little phrases like this:


> My grip on the gun tightens and I get out of my seat and hide behind it, like a child hiding behind his mother’s skirt.



Good work. 

*8/10*





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 





Those first two lines, followed up by the rest of paragraph, make for a beautiful opening that flowed into the rest of the piece. Probably my favourite bit of the whole thing were those two opening lines. Like Vergil, this has a very distinct voice, but defined by greater sense of pondering -- it's an interesting contrast. At the same time, the variety and word choice seemed limited and constrained in spite of the straightforward style.  

As for the story-line itself, it's solidly told and well-written. At first, I wasn't sure what to think of the end -- the protagonist claims to be able to stop an animal in its tracts with music and yet, unexpectedly, pulls a pistol. Left me mixed in that we're almost set up to expect the protagonist to make good on his claim ('Not one word of it a lie either'). But then, with that last line, ('More meat is always useful out in the wastes') the musician's intent is made clear -- which is quite different from that of simply displaying masterful talent. 

As a last note, nice juxtaposition between elements of the world of the wild and the world of humanity which I really liked as well, along with some nice similes. This:



> When I enter the towns and cities it is like walking through a strange portrait...



Being one such example. Good, gritty piece with interesting juxtapositions and subtleties for good or ill. 


*7.5/10*


----------



## Pan-on (Jan 16, 2010)

Ratiiiiiiiiiiiiiings

Amnesia


*Spoiler*: __ 



you paint a very vivid picture of your settings and character, and it all flows nicely. I like the little details like the smoke drifting and such, the whole thing is just very elegant. I am a little unsure about exactly what went on with the ending though, its a little hard to decipher.

8




Sel


*Spoiler*: __ 



I don't know if a flugelhorn is real or not, but it should be. A very confusing piece, im not really sure whats going on at all but I have a feeling that is kind of deliberate. The tone is nice and its all very surreal but I wish it was just a little clearer and more focused.

7




allismine


*Spoiler*: __ 



Although I liked this I think this is the wrong medium for this type of story. On the one hand it could have been a lot longer so there was more time to build up tension and such, on the other it would have been cool as a poem I think, it seems like epic poem style to me. As it is I think you have some cool phrases and ideas spoiled by a lack of time to properly get into them.

7




Vergill


*Spoiler*: __ 



Well written although I think the part about reading Orwell in school is a little clumsy compared with the rest. All in all pretty good, the ending was especially good as it properly ties things up and allows a glimpse into the character's own psyche.

8




Tyrael


*Spoiler*: __ 



I like this, until the ending. The tone of the whole thing is rather introspective and interesting but its spoiled by the sudden ending,then the last line doesn't really add anything. Setting is a bit hard to place also. The character was well done and the writing itself flowed well until the end.

7


----------



## Vergil (Jan 21, 2010)

Ratings (sorry about being brief in the reviews..)

*Amnesia *


*Spoiler*: __ 



My main issue with this was the fact that I'm not sure how it related to the subject topic. Other than the reference to the scythe right at the end it had almost nothing to do with the topic. 

The writing was rather nice though and gave a very good grasp of weaving. Also the relationship that was built up was very good, it's just I was looking for the relationship between xie and the weapon. 

7/10




*Sel*

*Spoiler*: __ 




Same as Amnesia. Very descriptive writing but it had very little to do with the topic, or if it did I couldn't pick up on it.  The whole story was quite tricky to follow in terms of the topic set. It would have done really well in the rousing speech topic we set a while back though as the english was solid and surreal tone was very interesting to read

7/10




*Allismine*

*Spoiler*: __ 




Tridents are awesome weapons, so kudos for allowing me to read a piece with one in it. I also love anything with reference to greek mythology in it so I'm totally your target audience. That said, it was a little hard to follow but still enjoyable to read so that's a real testament to your writing style.

7.5/10




*Tyrael*


*Spoiler*: __ 



This was my favourite, the build up of the harmonica, honestly I thought that was going to be used as the weapon, then to use a simple gun made me laugh. In a good way. I could feel the same things the guy was feeling and that I think is one of the most important things in writing; to have the reader build an emotional bond to the character. It had a good feeling to it and I enjoyed reading it.

8.5/10




*Anon*


*Spoiler*: __ 



So, the weapon of choice to protect the treasure was the birds? I'm not sure if it's a weapon, but hey I'll buy it. The piece was well written and clear and I liked it. There was good linkage and a nice beginning, middle and end to the thing. Aside from the point that amnesia made about the inconsistency I thought it was pretty good

8/10


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## Tyrael (Jan 22, 2010)

*Ams* -7/10

Stylistically, poetically, there is a fragility and melancholy in a lot of your writing, with an underlay of madness to it. This piece very much showcased this - yours was the most polished piece this week when it came to language. Your story crammed a little too much in - it was a bit too confusing and subtle.

*sel* -6.5/10

The weapon of choice aspect felt like it was just tacked on at the last minute. This piece moved with a great rhythm, a strange pulsing beat beyond the words, and had brilliant sense of altered reality. It seemed like this was all the piece was though; a very well done moment of craziness with no connection to anything. Well written, but I'm not sure how much depth there is there.

*Allismine *-8/10

I'm not sure why I liked this - your tenses had a few issued and whilst you went for the surreal poetic, it was not as well written as sel or Amnesia. However, you wrote something that felt complete and did manage to capture a hyper vivid surreality. The lack originality in story was made up by story in visual originality and there was something powerful in the tone. My favourite piece of the week.

*Anon *- 5.5/10

It was an adventurous piece, but I'm not sure it really worked. Much of it felt unnecessary and the style you went for didn't seem to really come off. As Ams pointed out, there is a contradiction in the main lure to the island. It was a creative idea however.

*Vergil *-7/10

Could have used a little more polish, but I liked the grounded tone in a contest full of surreality. Still, the idea does escalate in a way that is a little hard to swallow - admittedly, you don't have the time to develop it in any other way, but it still feels a bit forced. I really liked the ending and the Orwell nods though.


----------



## Vergil (Feb 2, 2010)

we're still waiting for this one to end?


----------



## Gardenhead (Feb 6, 2010)

I'm here to save the day!


*Spoiler*: _Amnesia_ 



Amnesia, you butcher me. Exquisite descriptions often become overwrought: ‘boisterous shadows flickered’ leads unnecessarily onto ‘their masters floating blindly along oblivion’; it’s a little melodramatic, and an awkward turn of phrase. Floating boisterously is a jarring description that doesn’t really work.

The thematic language is excellent, in the first half particularly: ‘seamless grace’ and ‘eyes pinned’ both help to indirectly reinforce the weaving work. There are one or two moments that read a little twee - ‘she paused but once’ for example - and overall the language tends to skulk between elegance and decadence. Perhaps allowing the decadence to creep in more strategically when describing the revellers would make for a more cogent whole. 
There are a couple of simple mistakes:

‘came to witness’ should read ‘had come to witness’.
‘clinging from weak shoulders’ should read ‘clinging to weak shoulders’, or else ‘hanging/draped/ from weak shoulders’

The third paragraph is very nice indeed right up until you strangely insert ‘those... hands of hers’; this only serves to make the sentence a little bumpy. ‘Wove cacophony with her blackened claws’ would suffice for me, especially seeing as ‘claws’ implies ‘hooked’ in the first place. Similarly, ‘Xie wanted to spit’ is unnecessarily compounded by ‘At her words’ a couple of paragraphs on.

It’s patchy, but not in such a terrible way; when I’d finished reading it the first time, my overall impression was by no means a bad one. I thoroughly enjoyed your scabby descriptions, your italicised whispers (although to use both ‘a-blaze and ‘a-buzz’ right next to each other was a bit much for me!) and your hatred and jealousy. Definitely could’ve done with a bit of a purge and a polish but (sorry to ruin the surprise!) this is probably my favourite piece.

7.5/10





*Spoiler*: _sel_ 



Sel, you've written a dirty doily of a piece. It's one part David Lynch, another part Mighty Boosh, and it just never quite works out. I adore the flugelhorn, the being lost in the music, the marionette and the orchestra. The thing is, you get a little carried away. It's almost as if you've taken a medieval rack to some of your sentences (the third in particular is a culprit), lengthening and breaking them. There're one or two unnecessary hyphens: 'the nectar-like sound' could be 'the nectarous sound' for example. There are stray commas too, with that first one in the fifth paragraph throwing me off track not insignificantly.

Unlike Tyrael, I didn't feel like the weapon of choice aspect was tacked on. Even if it was, my point is that it didn't appear so - the flugelhorn was the perfect thematic ending.

More bucket than rust (to use a bizarre split metaphor), but not the smoothest ride or tightest vessel. 

5.5/10





*Spoiler*: _allismine_ 



Yours was a difficult piece to really get my teeth into, because it kept throwing up inconcistencies (one moment the weapon has 'prongs', then it has 'blades') and tense deviations. The capitalization of words like 'sea' and 'sky' seems a little fantasy kitsch to me. To be able to actually carry of an 'old legend' style narrative, it needs to be far more polished than this. Stomachs do not 'settle sharply'; 'resonates in an echo' is somewhat tautologous and unnecessary; 'the weapon that slain it' needs to be 'the weapon that had slain it'. The final line is strangely childlike, and more than a little abrupt and out of place.

Don't mistake my criticism for seething hatred, mind you. I did squeeze a little enjoyment from your work; it took a few reads to get over some of the more nagging mistakes and inconsistencies, but the heart of the story isn't fundamentally rotten. It just needs reworking. The elements and staples of the slaying story are present and not entirely badly written; the overall scene is strangely vivid and self-contained, which surprised me (in a good way).  

There's something there, but there are lots of other things that get in the way. 

5/10





*Spoiler*: _Anon_ 



As I write this (I'm reading and writing reviews in chronological order), yours is both my favourite piece, and the piece with which I have most beef. 

It starts off so well: cogently, assuredly, intriguingly, with a little bit of humour. When the paragraph that starts 'It was small but densely forested' begins however, you lose me. 'They look a little like dodo’s but infinitely more pathetic looking' is clumsy, as well as having a stray apostrophe. That's not really my biggest beef (I can't stop!) though; you say you lost a lot of stuff, and it really shows.

The discovery and non-description of the gold, the counting of it, and then the hook that spawned the contradiciton all felt rushed and malnourished. If I were judging the piece on its various merits, the score would be much higher; but as it is, the whole thing comes crashing down because of a logical error and a lack of writing room. 

I must stress again, I really enjoyed it up until the end.

5.5/10





*Spoiler*: _Vergil_ 



The first time you mentioned Orwell, I quite liked it; the second time, the sentiment and indeed the sentence itself were both impressive, but in the fleeting context of these tiny scenes it just felt forced. It didn't belong there.

The reality of the piece was a little difficult to contend with (who's this kid in a balaclava breaking into someone's home?), but I don't mind that so much; the language is appropriately rough and ready (but could be shaved further in some places: 'horrendous guilt' could just be 'guilt' for example), and the conceit is very good; the dangers of an oppressed introvert exposed to violent, cartoonish justice! Despite its drawbacks - which are mostly down to space and lack of appropriate punctuation - I liked this quite a bit. Good job!

7/10





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 



(Sorry!)

The 'paradoxical mind of humanity' is a bit of a bland piece of sci-fi banality to plonk in the middle of what is, in general, an absorbing and amusing piece. The simple nature of your protagonist doesn't blend well with pseudo-grand musings on the nature of humanity.

You also have a tendency to use too many full stops: the first paragraph's 'Would be needed' is stranded as a lone sentence when it should've been joined to the one preceding it; 'the waste there is incredible' and 'they throw out so much' should probably combine, as should 'it was a night like that recently' and its successor.

There's also an inconsistency in where your man feels at home: one moment the 'wilderness' is his 'home', the next 'most of his life belongs to' the city. I realise these two descriptions don't have to carry exactly the same meaning, but it narks me a little just the same.

There are also one or two little mistakes that could've been ironed out by proofreading ('this night time... _they_ are to be respected' for example), but as a whole it felt quite confident.

7/10




edit: very much looking forward to participating in the next one =]


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 6, 2010)

Congrats on the longest contest ever...


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 6, 2010)

Jonty said:


> I'm here to save the day!
> 
> 
> *Spoiler*: _Amnesia_
> ...



No review of my piece?


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 6, 2010)

You didn't earn one


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## Gardenhead (Feb 6, 2010)

Bugger, sorry - genuinely didn't see it. I'll pop over now.


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## Tyrael (Feb 6, 2010)

.


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## Pan-on (Feb 6, 2010)

hooray its nearly over!


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## Gardenhead (Feb 6, 2010)

Done. Sorry about that, Ty =]


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## Pan-on (Feb 6, 2010)

Jonty should be an editor, his ratings make mine cry. And my ratings were manly ratings  .

I have no idea if that made sense.


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## Gardenhead (Feb 6, 2010)

Anon said:


> Jonty should be an editor, his ratings make mine cry. And my ratings were manly ratings  .
> 
> I have no idea if that made sense.



I'm not _entirely_ sure what you're getting at


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## Vergil (Feb 6, 2010)

definitely excellent reviews. And really nicely worded too, shit -  looks like next round will be tricky to win


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## Tyrael (Feb 6, 2010)

It's all been tallied, I'll post the results in a moment.


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## Pan-on (Feb 6, 2010)

Jonty said:


> I'm not _entirely_ sure what you're getting at



its a good thing trust me, i'm just not altogether awake yet.


----------



## Gardenhead (Feb 6, 2010)

Hahah, cheers.

(Just realised we're in the same timezone - good night last night? )


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## Pan-on (Feb 6, 2010)

Jonty said:


> Hahah, cheers.
> 
> (Just realised we're in the same timezone - good night last night? )



no, not especially I just broke my sleeping pattern a bit and didn't want to get out of bed today because it was cold.


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## Tyrael (Feb 6, 2010)

Fun fact: I've taken part in every single FF since it's creation (bar one) and this is the first time I've come higher than third.


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## Buskuv (Feb 6, 2010)

xPosted

Alright, new one.

I wanna try again.


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## _allismine_ (Feb 15, 2010)

LATE REPLY IS LATE but I wanted to thank everyone who reviewed for their constructive criticism. They've helped me see the faults in my writing so that hopefully I can do better next time. I'm sorry I kinda went awol from this place right before ratings started--hopefully I'm back in the Lit department for good.

Congrats to the winners of XXIX!


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## Vergil (Feb 16, 2010)

Thanks!

Also holy crap we got 5 already??! I was preparing for another 2 month thing


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## Pan-on (Feb 16, 2010)

haha wow, well we should leave it open a little longer anyway, give people a chance to enter now that the floodgates are open.


----------



## Pan-on (Feb 17, 2010)

There we are, sunday is now the entry date. Get cracking people.

EDIT: hahaha


----------



## Amnesia (Feb 17, 2010)

Anon said:


> EDIT: hahaha



...Seriously? You forgot the maniacal laughter?


----------



## Pan-on (Feb 17, 2010)

Amnesia said:


> ...Seriously? You forgot the maniacal laughter?



well yes, but more to do with the fact I was replying to a post which was gone by the time I had actually finished typing.


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## Amnesia (Feb 17, 2010)

Anon said:


> well yes, but more to do with the fact I was replying to a post which was gone by the time I had actually finished typing.



Tsk, tsk, letting those typing skills fall into decay -- for shame!


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## Pan-on (Feb 17, 2010)

he never lets me touch anything 

in retrospect I probably should have done the writing im doing now for class before my FF, since its due tomorrow....


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## Amnesia (Feb 27, 2010)

Great entries this round. 


*Spoiler*: _ Vergil_ 




As a stand-alone story, I thought this was probably the strongest. It’s solid, it’s straightforward, and it hits on the theme excellently. However, I would say it’s a tad melodramatic and cliché even as it’s something of a tragedy.  At the same time, there are some very real and very believable truths to this character that really elicited a strong reaction on my part – wonderfully done.  Very much in time to the theme. It’s a excellently told.  The only thing that got me was the degree of predictability in the progression and the end. 

*8/10  *





*Spoiler*: _Jonty_ 




Definitely the most sophisticated piece style-wise this round. Could definitely pick up the Ishiguro influences in this. Form-wise it’s very crisp, very precise and put together, however, as a story, it didn’t grab me as much as I would have liked. Really loved how detailed this piece was though – especially with the exact descriptions of the sandwich making process. 

While I thought it just barely captured the theme while the story itself goes over my head, I’m afraid. My biggest question is this: why is this man making food that he hates if he knows he’s going to force himself to consume every last bite? I didn’t get the sense he was really punishing himself or anything, but rather, that he just kept cooking/eating to have something to do. Mixed with the rest of the piece as it is, this question just seems to stick out at odd angles, despite how well-written everything is. There just doesn’t seem to be enough evidence to make him a tragic, pathetic, or what-have-you figure – other than small tips here or there, he felt bland. 

*6.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Anon_ 




This piece actually really surprised me this week.

This is probably one of your most polished works to date, I think. First time through it seemed a bit scattered but on subsequent readings, I really came to like it.  It’s like taking a film negative to the theme. At the same time, something tells me that envy is a theme hear and juxtaposing that with a supposedly ‘clean and pious’ record as the narrator claims to have is great. The piece itself felt like it balanced on a fine line between not covering the theme and just capturing it. Some really beautiful moments of language: “I endured tempers like tempests, bottled it all up, pressure sealed it and threw away the key.” Very poetic at points. As a story it works well and yet, there are these little nuances that just really add, particularly that man in the nice suit. 

Great job. Loved the atheist line. 

*8.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Kuno_ 




I’d say this is probably the one that breaks the mold this round given the original perspective. Not too many people really attempt second person, even around here given it’s unusualness. That deserves applause. I have to say there were some really great points of description and some less than sterling moments.

 Stylistically, I both liked and disliked the use of so many questions – really gave that sense of persuasion that the narrator was aiming for. Which then leads me into my next comment – from the looks of it, I assume that this was written from the perspective of the personification of ‘lust’ as one of the seven deadly sins, correct? In a way, the idea itself is good, it’s simply that the last paragraph in the piece – compared to everything that came before – just felt tacked on and random. There were also some clichés that made me wince – particularly the lion metaphor.  A similar metaphor is used in a Muse song, coincidentally, and it makes me cringe there too, actually. (Just to show my bias.) Some minor spelling/grammar and tense issues, but that’s just me being a nit-picky bitch. Very much liked the sensual feel to this piece a lot.  Overall, not a bad piece, but could use some more work and fine tuning.

*5/10* 




Now you all can hate me.


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## Pan-on (Mar 11, 2010)

lalala, here we are now, unusually busy lately so apologies for taking so long to get these rating in.

Publius Vergilius Maro

*Spoiler*: __ 




Your character's voice in this is great, the feeling of conflicting emotions comes through really well and the overall tone works. I do kinda wish more happend however, maybe a little story in place of the telling, it's also not completely clear if the narrator is talking to someone or writing a letter or what. Very solidly written however, if you could work that kind of character depth into something longer it could be really great.

8/10




The artist formally known as Jonty

*Spoiler*: __ 



I love the story within a story here, about the guy waiting for a phonecall, you carry that off really well. I am less fond of the sandwich story however, it seems similar to Murakami's digressions but is stretched a little far for my liking.Stylistically I like it and it flows really well.

7/10




"High five!"

*Spoiler*: __ 



 You evoke the scene incredibly well, and your little details are superb, I particularly liked "a small mountain on the table leaked leather belt waterfalls" which is just a great sentence. The character is believable and interesting to read about but I found the ending a little dissapointing, I think if you turned this into something longer you could spend more time with plot which, mixed with your brillaint imagery and description, has a good chance of turning out amazing.

8.5/10




Shorthand ninjagirl

*Spoiler*: __ 



I like your description, it sets the scene really well, I can almost picture the club. It's something I do too, but I would try and avoid using so many questions in a piece, it lowers the effect of each of them. I also really like your ending, cool idea.

7/10


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## Pan-on (Mar 21, 2010)

come on people!


----------



## Pan-on (Apr 14, 2010)

*stares at people*


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## Vergil (May 24, 2010)

Jonty:


*Spoiler*: __ 



As per usual your writing is great to read. I was confused though as to which sin you were going for; Pride or Gluttony. The Gluttony was obviously depicted in the description of the tomato sandwich,  whilst thinking of other food whilst making the sandwich and then  a stir fry.

Then again it could have been just as easily been Pride, as he went ahead and ate it whilst keeping up appearances, and would equally eat a sandwich that would kill him simply not to be seen as wrong

That being said, it was very enjoyable to read with a distinct humour to it. Simple and to the point with just the right amount of description without being too flowery.
8.5/10




Amnesia:


*Spoiler*: __ 



I've always liked stories about the fragility of the human mind, so I should have liked this but I thought it was OK, not great but OK. I assume this person stole a lot and had a silly amount of things however there was no attempt to tell us why or how he got like that. As a result there was no connection between the reader and the writer. As always though there are some really nice bits of writing in there - your use of the language is great, but the piece I felt needed to build up more of a connection with the reader.
7/10




Tyrael:


*Spoiler*: __ 



This one is unclear as to which sin was being done. I?m going to guess Envy, but I?m not totally sure. I see that you like the heavy speech type of writing, but for that it?s odd as my major gripe with it was that the guy just started talking to the other fella without so much of a ?hi?. It may have been ok if the guy was a friend but a complete stranger makes the scene feel unnatural, Especially given the nature of the conversation. 
7/10




Kuno:


*Spoiler*: __ 



Ah your bane: to and too . In the very 1st paragraph its highlighted. It?s difficult to explain but generally adjectives such as quiet and small have ?too? directly before them.  There are also a couple of spelling errors (without, pores instead of pours.)

Story was atmospheric. I could almost hear a devil like voice asking the questions so in that sense it was good. I think though the story was ambitious for the word limit but it?s still not clear as to what happened
7/10 




Vergil:


*Spoiler*: __ 



Jesus man, how long does it take to write up reviews? I should confine you to a basement to live off spiders and piss.
-9001/10


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## Pan-on (May 24, 2010)

Vergil said:


> Jonty:
> 
> 
> *Spoiler*: __
> ...



HOOOOORAY A RATING A RATING...wait

*coughs expectantly*

EDIT: hahaha I get it now.


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## Gardenhead (Jun 14, 2010)

*Spoiler*: _Vergil_ 



Like Anon, I'm not entirely sure about the context of the piece (letter? diary?), but that doesn't spoil what's essentially a solid story shot through with personality; but also with inadvertent humour. I like 'loopy'. I like the 'morale crusher notwithstanding' caveat. It's when the writing kind of bleeds into proper stream of consciousness - on both occasions describing sexual lust - that I think your character's voice breaks down a little. 'Oh, the delicious curves' and 'short, short skirts' in particular felt strangely melodramatic. I could imagine a kind of thespian hand clutching at his heart.

Your 'moment of realisation' is excellent, and framed simply so that the reader really gets it in a moment, not over the course of several drawn out paragraphs. You do tend to falter into that dramatic repetition again however, with 'that sweet, sweet mouth'. That persistent hiccough notwithstanding, I can't help but sympathise and be slightly repelled by your character who, even if you don't quite have the space to make him truly your own, definitely reeks of humanity. 7/10 





*Spoiler*: _Amnesia_ 



Cripes. This reminds me of Sel's piece last time around (though sadly there're no flugelhorns to be found), not necessarily stylistically, but due to the scattershot content. I feel like you throw up some really beautiful imagery and sentences, but that they flounder a bit amongst a sea of jigsaw pieces that aren't _ugly_, but that just don't quite fit together. The excellent sentences can also become just that little bit too engorged: 'If I suspected my bag to be a mineshaft, by comparison, my pockets housed galaxies spinning in their infinite depths – I don't ever recall tracing their seams', for example, suffers from the break that the somewhat throwaway 'infinite depths' phrase supplies. The depth is already evident (and excellently so, I might add), and the sibilance doesn't need any more boost.

You combine the mania, reflection, and outside reality cogently despite what I think is a narrative that altogether hangs a little too loosely. The conclusion feels hurried (such are the constraints of the format), and the 'counseling' speech a somewhat forced inclusion to make sure the reader knows exactly what's happening when you haven't had the space to properly illustrate it.

I do adore the 'flowering' of the stubble, because that drew immediate comparisons in my head to mould, and all that that entails. I'll put this equal to Vergil's; I think it's sometimes above, and sometimes below. 7/10





*Spoiler*: _Anon_ 



I don't know if you've read it, but this reads to me like a slightly more modern, concise and summarized snippet of C.S. Lewis' _The Great Divorce_. I'll avoid the temptation to compare the two (I never liked the dreary bastard anyway).

I like the element of humour running through the piece, although as a one liner the atheists' voiding their right to exist could've been slightly better crafted. The idea of purgatory being a 're-training' is a fabulously bureaucratic nugget that hints at a possibly Kafkaesque cosmic cycle; but the narrative is not Kafaesque in tone. Your speech I feel is a little stuck between naturalistic and poetic, and suffers as a result, but I am enamoured by your muttered reference (I hope that's what it is; if not, strike me down) to the river Styx. 

Your consistency and proper and concise ending'll bump you up just above the first two here, I think. 7.5/10





*Spoiler*: _Kuno_ 



Now this is very strange. I remember dismissing this piece the first time I read it (gulp, months ago), but on rereading it today the atmosphere and real sense of touch that you bring to the piece really win me over. Your style can be a little jerky, your question marks too many, your language occasionally lapsing into fantastic melodrama ('watching another soul bend to our will' and 'such is the way with your kind' felt rather irritatingly willfully cryptic to me), but you manage to create a real, _human_ atmosphere pretty much throughout; despite what I first thought was sloppy writing, but what now I am reluctantly endeared to. I particularly like your shift to the narrator's hand touching the chest of the unlucky (lucky?) reader.

The tenor of the piece does somewhat tail off towards the end, and Vergil's already pointed out the ultimately not earth-shattering but nonetheless jarring mistakes in spelling and grammar. But bugger it all; I like it. 7.5/10




Apologies for the boringly close scores, and the vomit-inducingly late reviewing. Onwards and upwards!

edit: Oh and I was less of a bastard/stickler than I was last time, due to my guilt of tardiness. Next time I'll go back to lower ratings >_>


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## Vergil (Jun 14, 2010)

Woot - cheers! excellent reviews as always


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## Pan-on (Jun 14, 2010)

my god the heavens have shifted and we are done!

il get this all added up and tell the winner to make a new topic tomorrow when im less drunk unless someone else does first.


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## Pan-on (Jun 15, 2010)

It was very close this....several months but we have the results

4TH PLACE


*Spoiler*: __ 



Kuno - 6.625



3RD PLACE 


*Spoiler*: __ 



Jonty - 7.333333333333



2ND PLACE



*Spoiler*: __ 



Amnesia - 7.5



1ST PLACE 

*Spoiler*: __ 



Vergil - 7.666666666666
AND
Anon - 7.666666666666

And since I can't really be bothered Vergil will come up with the newest prompt unless he cant be bothered either .


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## Vergil (Jun 16, 2010)

Lol - yeah it took a while, which was odd seeing as we got the entries in at breakneck speed. Thanks for the eventual votes 

Hm - I feel like doing something that I'm really not comfortable with. This FF might go on for a while:

Love and Romance.


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## Pan-on (Jun 16, 2010)

Vergil said:


> Lol - yeah it took a while, which was odd seeing as we got the entries in at breakneck speed. Thanks for the eventual votes
> 
> Hm - I feel like doing something that I'm really not comfortable with. This FF might go on for a while:
> 
> Love and Romance.



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

meh iv never tried writing that, il go make a thread for it.


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## Vergil (Jun 16, 2010)

Lol should be fun seeing Scots + romance.

It'll probably be full of "I really fanshy you, sho how about it?"


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## Pan-on (Jun 16, 2010)

Vergil said:


> Lol should be fun seeing Scots + romance.
> 
> It'll probably be full of "I really fanshy you, sho how about it?"



lots of frolicing through glens,

there is a double meaning in there that only the scots MIGHT get.


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## Vergil (Jun 16, 2010)

Sex scences should only be permitted if that line is used. And if there is a reference to roaming through heather


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## Pan-on (Jun 16, 2010)

haha I didn't mean it like that but that is far better. 

triple meaning then.


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## Vergil (Jun 30, 2010)

This one's difficult with the word count. It's hard to create an emotional connection  between two people in 500 words


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## Hαnnαh (Jul 13, 2010)

I've never done this before, but I most definitely want to start. Of course, I'm having a hard time because I decided to bust out some characters I haven't used in a while and make one of them fall for someone in 500 words. At least once I've done it I can say that I've done it.


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## Buskuv (Jul 14, 2010)

So cuuhh-lose


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## horsdhaleine (Jul 16, 2010)

I can't believe we don't have a Russian Literature thread!


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## Buskuv (Jul 16, 2010)

horsdhaleine said:


> I can't believe we don't have a Russian Literature thread!



I think you meant to post in the Convo, dear.


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## Pan-on (Jul 17, 2010)

back from camping and have internet access again so i shall get my entry in soon and wrap this up.


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## Pan-on (Jul 27, 2010)

OK im entered now which makes 5, get to ratings tomorrow unless there is anying intending on entering?


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## Mider T (Jul 27, 2010)

How long do I have?


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## Vergil (Jul 27, 2010)

There is no deadline - I guess you have until we get 5 sets of votes up, which judging by last time gives you a long time


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## Pan-on (Jul 27, 2010)

yeah, if you plan on entering we can hold back a little longer, it doesnt actually matter if you enter once ratings have begun really.


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## Garfield (Jul 27, 2010)

Anon said:


> yeah, if you plan on entering we can hold back a little longer, it doesnt actually matter if you enter once ratings have begun really.


How about holding back till Saturday then?


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## Pan-on (Jul 27, 2010)

adee said:


> How about holding back till Saturday then?



are you planning to enter by saturday? we could.

or we could start ratings and then edit them to include your piece, i doubt enough ratings will be in by saturday anyway.

or we could try and wrap this one up quickly and get a new one started.


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## Buskuv (Jul 27, 2010)

Anon said:


> or we could try and wrap this one up quickly and get a new one started.



I second this option.

We can begin rating and just rate the new ones as they come in.


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## Pan-on (Jul 27, 2010)

well lets get rating then, might do mine tonight


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## Mider T (Jul 28, 2010)

On second thought, I'll hold back until the next contest, adee can be the final entry for this one.


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## tgre (Jul 28, 2010)

My entry is up

Hope everyone enjoys it.


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## Garfield (Jul 28, 2010)

I'm down with this.

Will post exactly 53 hours from right now


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Jul 28, 2010)

I'm still subscribed to this thread


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## Pan-on (Jul 28, 2010)

Mider T said:


> On second thought, I'll hold back until the next contest, adee can be the final entry for this one.



Well if you still want to you can enter since he will be entering late anyway



adee said:


> I'm down with this.
> 
> Will post exactly 53 hours from right now



Thats fine, ratings might begin before that but it doesnt matter, you rating can be edited in afterwards.

always takes a while to get all the ratings in anyway


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## tgre (Jul 31, 2010)

waiting on adee so I can start ratings


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## Garfield (Aug 2, 2010)

i'm sorry, looks like I will not be able to make it now 

Fuckers announce one day before (last Friday) that final semester exams are on.

So I'm out for another 2.5 weeks

I apologize :/


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## Vergil (Aug 4, 2010)

Trying to review them - but shit, these entries are really good. A few high marks methinks


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## Pan-on (Aug 5, 2010)

ratings

Bossy


*Spoiler*: __ 



 A very nice set of descriptions but it doesn't really go anywere. Great lines and phrases but gets a little tedious are you are just describing the same thing over and over rather than actually telling a story, I do like the message though. 6/10




Vergy


*Spoiler*: __ 



Very cute, and I like the whole jack and jill thing but it confused me a litte, he hit his head 15 years ago and has been in hospital since then? It was also all over a little quickly with no conflict or anything, I kept expecting something to happen. Also id cut down on the use of elipses, I used to do it all the time too and im not sure how to convey the same idea without them. 7/10




JHxXBadRomanceXxJH-y (at this point i regretted by choice of changing the names in a funny manner)


*Spoiler*: __ 



This surprised me, it didn't end as I imagined it would and was far better for it. The personal nature of what is being told really comes through and it fits the length really well, the tone is great as well. 8/10




Kuno-ey


*Spoiler*: __ 



Incredibly sweet, altho i sort of guessed what was going to happen at the beginning. Never the less it was still solid and the descriptions and characterisation were good, also a nice slightly different take on the theme. 7/10




tGre teh Disleksiky 


*Spoiler*: __ 



Very sinister, I realised something was wrong part way through it which was good and the ending was great too but the best part is the tone, far better this way than simply making him angry. A nice little complete story. 8/10


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## Hαnnαh (Aug 5, 2010)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian

*Spoiler*: __ 



I can't really say this was easy to read. It seemed to just be a bunch of different bits and none seemed too connected. It was really kind of confusing. 5/10



Vergil

*Spoiler*: __ 



An interesting take on a nursery rhyme, however it felt familiar to me, almost as if I had seen it somewhere else before. However, the description was good and it made me grin, so 7/10



Kuno

*Spoiler*: __ 



very sweet, but somewhat predictable. The description was good, the wording was easy to understand yet complex at the same time, and overall was a good piece. 7/10



Anon

*Spoiler*: __ 



This was a nice story, but it really didn't seem to go anywhere at all. It seemed as though you were trying to cram a huge story into a small container rather than write to fit. 6/10This story was 



tGre teh Disleksik

*Spoiler*: __ 



Words cannot begin to describe this. From the beginning, something felt wrong, but it just seemed so innocent, that I told myself it was just my imagination. However, as the story went on, I started to really sense that something wasn't right and found myself trying to guess what is was...but absolutely nothing lead me to suspect what the ending was. 8/10


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## tgre (Aug 7, 2010)

I'll be getting my reviews up asap.

Just a little tied up at uni, fucking hell.


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## Cthulhu-versailles (Aug 18, 2010)

Um, if I want to enter/review one of these, where do I go? I sort of skimmed the first page and the last two, but I didn't see any instructions.


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## Pan-on (Aug 18, 2010)

Cthulhu-versailles said:


> Um, if I want to enter/review one of these, where do I go? I sort of skimmed the first page and the last two, but I didn't see any instructions.



to enter you wait until one of the threads comes up titled "Flashfiction XI" or whatever number it is and you post your story there.

to rate you just read whats in the thread and post your reviews here.


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## Pan-on (Aug 26, 2010)

come on people


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## Pan-on (Sep 6, 2010)

ratings please


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## Mist Beauty (Oct 30, 2010)

Has this come to a temporary halt?


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Oct 30, 2010)

I would say so...none of the contests out here ever pan out really.


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## Pan-on (Oct 30, 2010)

Mist Beauty said:


> Has this come to a temporary halt?



not exactly, we were just waiting for more people to rate the last FF


----------



## Tyrael (Oct 30, 2010)

Cardboard Tube Knight said:


> I would say so...none of the contests out here ever pan out really.



We did run 30 something contests, to carying degrees of success. Saying none of them pan out is, well, wrong.

Also, FFs need reboot, christopher Nolan style.


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## Mist Beauty (Oct 30, 2010)

Pan-on said:


> not exactly, we were just waiting for more people to rate the last FF



Where might this be?


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## Cardboard Tube Knight (Oct 30, 2010)

Tyrael said:


> We did run 30 something contests, to carying degrees of success. Saying none of them pan out is, well, wrong.
> 
> Also, FFs need reboot, christopher Nolan style.


Most of the people who participated are gone and this section is possibly one of the slowest on the site now. Would be hard to do it again with any of the success there was before.


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## Pan-on (Oct 30, 2010)

Mist Beauty said:


> Where might this be?



Rooney!

this was the last one, we have had two ratings so far, 2 more and we can wrap it up I believe, the ratings are on the previous page in this thread


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## Pintsize (Dec 20, 2010)

I know it seems like lots of trouble, but I have a five week break and I'd like to do one of these again. Could we do a completely new one or should I recruit people to rate (one of them being myself, of course)?


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Dec 20, 2010)

The LD is twitching to life again


----------



## Pintsize (Dec 21, 2010)

All the college kids are on break.


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## Trunkten (Jun 9, 2011)

Sooo, this thread has clearly been dead for a fair while. Any chance of a return for the FF, or this much-vaunted reboot? Basically, I'm bored, at home for three months, and need an excuse to flex my creative muscles.

The brain that is, not what you were thinking of...


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## Tyrael (Jun 10, 2011)

Pfft, I'd have you know the foot is a very creative muscle. 

But I'm not sure that any of the regulars are on here, well, regularly. DB from time to time, and occassionally myself. If you do fancy givin' it a go, might be an idea to drop some people some pms/vms or such and see if you can get any interest up.


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## Hαnnαh (Jun 10, 2011)

I'm not considering a regular since I only entered the last contest, but I'd become a regular.


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## Tyrael (Jun 10, 2011)

In that case you are very welcome.


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## Hαnnαh (Jun 10, 2011)

Awootwoot!


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## Buskuv (Jun 17, 2011)

No PMs, huh?


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## Trunkten (Jun 17, 2011)

Tyrael said:


> Pfft, I'd have you know the foot is a very creative muscle.
> 
> But I'm not sure that any of the regulars are on here, well, regularly. DB from time to time, and occassionally myself. If you do fancy givin' it a go, might be an idea to drop some people some pms/vms or such and see if you can get any interest up.



Hmm, I'd like to take some sort of initiative, but considering I'm personally only around a couple of months before I'll more than likely be fairly inactive again, there doesn't seem a great deal of point.

Still, if anyone does fancy rousing some interest, I'm in.


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## Buskuv (Jul 17, 2011)

The fuck did this go?


----------



## Tyrael (Jul 19, 2011)

Well Doc, if you're up for trying to relaunch the FFs, I'll give it a go too.


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## Vergil (Jul 19, 2011)

Yeah I always enjoyed this, I'm game if this starts up again.


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## Buskuv (Jul 19, 2011)

Maybe a few PMs could be sent out.

I'm not sure about the general activity of our regular participants.  Maybe we should advertise elsewhere as well.


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 20, 2011)

Alright.

Thus far, The Way of Kings has been mui bueno.  I think he's beginning to nail down the aspects in which he was lacking before, and continue to polish what he knew.  It being the first in 10 planned books, I'm sure it's a goddamn mountain of story-telling.


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## sel (Aug 2, 2011)

I'm off for summer, I'd definitely like to write something again, since it's been almost a year since I last wrote something.

Perhaps we could do a more relaxed one, say with a longer time period? That way us lazy bums are under less pressure or the like. 2 weeks?


----------



## Vergil (Aug 2, 2011)

maybe you could simply submit any short story for review. Since there are not that many people you could post whatever work you have (as long as its under a certain word limit) in for review into one thread and that way you could get some feedback on your writing style etc.


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## Damaris (Aug 8, 2011)

i would participate in this, if it got restarted. please please anything to get me writing again


----------



## Alpha (Aug 8, 2011)

Why won't write in the Rp Section? 

Also I would love to do this.


----------



## Garfield (Aug 27, 2011)

Please give your rating for the Poem of the Week Contest in this thread. The rules are similar to the rating format for Flash Fics, loosely, as follows:
1. You *have* to give proper worded feedback for the reasons of your rating. Without at least a couple lines of criticism, your rating will not count (that is if you just give a rating and leave it at that). 
2. No flaming please. Criticism must be constructive and civil. If you didn't like something, then say so in a manner that isn't hurtful. This is the literature department folks, if you don't know how to not say something in so many words, what are you even doing here?
3. The rating will be out of 10. This makes the calculation easier for us. 
4. Participants will rate all but their own post. All participants *must* rate (unless of course, like Damaris, they are banned).
4. The deadline for ratings is again, Tuesday (again, this is a loose deadline and may increase as per requirement), after which I will total the scores and get on with the next round which hopefully will have prizes.


The entries for this (the first) round of the contest are:






​Proceed with the ratings. My own will come within the next 24 hours.


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## Buskuv (Aug 28, 2011)

You guys are terrible with deadlines.

You'll fit right in.

Tairail


*Spoiler*: __ 




I think you were the only person to take such open advantage of format of poetry without rhyming; possibly the most advantage in general.  And succinctness in general.  

Quite honestly, everything is fantastic.  My only gripe lies within the realms of the personal (which is what makes it fun, no?), in that I think, despite your intention for succinctness, it could have been fleshed slightly more with the format of loops, but that's nitpicking.   Some words seem to fit haphazardly, though.

9





CeeEmEx


*Spoiler*: __ 





I like it; it's got jive.

Rhyming couplets might have worked better with a line between each, but nothing too major; maybe it's just me, but the connection to the theme seems... perfunctory.  

I do like, however, that you seem to have a nice flow to the words, how most remain monosyllabic and that the whole thing has an almost bouncy quality to it, something easily set to song.  Another aspect of poetry we rarely see.  Probably would have liked a little more adherence to the theme, though..

6




Ah-D


*Spoiler*: __ 





Quite possibly the most complex of poems we've had, though I think that might be a hindrance in itself.  Ignoring the disregard for the limit (), the poem is fairly long, and I think it begins to collapse on itself over the (relatively) immense length, as though too much is being pushed into the constraint of a set word-number poem.  Vivid imagery and a great use of an obvious education in Math, I think the theme is fantastic.  

I think it needed a bit of trimming of the fat; and maybe a little more focus.  Probably too ambitious for our short format.  Great nonetheless.

6.5




YOURE BANNED LOL


*Spoiler*: __ 





The most free of them all.  

Very free form, but incredibly fitting for the subject matter and unusual story-telling involved.  Maybe it went over my head, but I really see nothing even glancing towards the theme;  but let's not nitpick.  

I think it's long, but short enough to be effective for a rather free-form poem.  Intentional or not, I think the technical construction of the poem confuses the reader more than give a rhythm or push to the words, sometimes giving a probably _too_ haphazard stream of consciousness.  More than made up for the ethereal dreamlike style of the poem, though.

8




Shikana...nanana


*Spoiler*: __ 





Format, dude.  And maybe grammar.

It's hard to see where you might have paced breaks, stanzas and so forth since you decided not to do so, but there is an almost (I'm assuming) intentional song quality to it.  Some nice rhythm going on.   

However, most of it marred by, obviously, not really making it a poem.  Frankly it's hard to read, most of the time, both with punctuation and misspelled words; given more organization and some more time on it, it probably could have been much more manageable.  

3




Eturnittee


*Spoiler*: __ 





It's actually a circle!

Another fine use of the format, and an almost too literal use of the theme, but it works well.  The stanzas have a nice repetition (it would have been awesome had the first either coincided, size-wise, with the later stanzas or the last had coincided with the first) but I think you could have had some gold with the syllables, since I feel like, when I'm reading it, it's almost there... but not quite.  

I guess you really like eyes, too.

7


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## Roy (Aug 29, 2011)

can only entrants vote?


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## Garfield (Aug 29, 2011)

anyone can

I was planning on posting mine today, but too much classwork.


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## Eternity (Aug 29, 2011)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> You guys are terrible with deadlines.
> 
> You'll fit right in.
> 
> ...



Oh my, I got a 7 for that poem? 

I feel too honored, seeing as it was something I just threw together late at night, with no feeling or anything before I started. 

But thank you for the kind words


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## Eternity (Aug 29, 2011)

*Tyrael:*

Short, but It gave out a feel to it that I really enjoyed. A nine from me as well. (9)

*CrazyMoronX:*

A loved this, a playful and randy poem  I loved how you used som vulgarities, but kept it just vulgar enough to make us keep reading. I also love how you used to theme as a metaphor for the circle of life (birth, discovery of sex and ulitmatly birth again)

A ten from me. (10)

*adee:

*tl;dr 

Seriously, too much to read, but from part I have read, I give it an eight, simply because it is far too long. I know there are poems that are that long out there, but for me, that is far too much. (8)

*Demaris:*

A good flow, I tried to read it out loud in my mind in a dramatic manner. It worked out great. I give you a nine for this. (9)

*ShikaNaraNicole:*

The setup/grammar was aweful, no line break, commas without spaces, not a well set up poem. The poem itself was mediocre in my opinion (I consider many of my own poems mediocre too, so don't worry about that.) It lacked flow and continuiety (damn, thats some bad grammar on my side xD), but it had several points and rhymes that I enjoyed. A strong four from me (4)

*Dr. Boskov Krevorkian:*

A good poem in my opinion. But sometimes it felt..too much..But mostly a good flow and good language. An eight from me (8)


----------



## Damaris (Aug 30, 2011)

poem of the week ratings:


*Spoiler*: _tyrael_ 





i very much like the structure of this, how sparse and clean it feels, and how it seems to follow the theme in a pleasing aesthetic way.
that said, i do have problems with the actual content of the poem: i don't feel very grounded in it--i hesitate to say if there are
any images that push the boundary beyond generic at all, and as such i end up feeling as if i'm reading the outline, the rough sketch, of 
what could be a very good poem, rather than an actual poem at all. i do like your title. 

6/10





*Spoiler*: _cmx_ 





this feels like a perverted nursery rhyme from the middle ages.  i quite enjoy the timeless feel of it, and the tone of indulgent and unrepentant glee
throughout. the way you captured the spirit of the theme without constraining yourself or seeming forced in what you chose as a subject by it is also very
clever, probably my favorite approach of this bunch. 

7/10






*Spoiler*: _adee_ 





boy, you went for broke, didn't you? a very ambitious piece. it seemed to collapse in on itself halfway through, and probably could have used a good deal
of editing. you seem me to have the same issue as tyrael, only in a different form; you have a multitude of images where he has nearly none, but i walk away
from both remembering nearly nothing. my favorite bits of this were when you amidst large "epic" approach you struck on had a single stark line that stuck 
with me: "the leaf is almost dry now/cocoon isn't holding the butterfly now" stuck with me both for the very nice rhythm of the two lines, but for the image it
generated in my mind. perhaps if you expanded on one of those more powerful lines and saw what happened from there, rather than trying to stuff them all in?


6/10






*Spoiler*: _shikanaranicole_ 






tired images, predictable rhymes, atrocious spelling, and no sense of structure at all. you seem to have strung a paragraph of cliches together and hit post. 
if you can't be bothered to care about the grammar and spelling of your own poem, why should i as a reader care about it?

1/10






*Spoiler*: _dr. boskov krevorkian_ 






i liked your take on the theme very much. i guess i lied to cmx, i was tied between your approach and his for my favorite. i liked very much the use of the
cyclical nature of storms, and how they give and take. i was thrown off my appreciation of your poem by needless repetition of words--"potential", "man", "heaven"
"fleck" (i understand that these may have been, fleck in particular, an attempt at looping beginning to end in the work, as a further embrace of the theme, but it
didn't seem to succeed for me) and some phrases that were just straight up awkward and clunky: "horrible heavens", "jagged jawline". the voice fit very well for
the poem, and with perhaps some greater artistry and experimentation with words and images rather than the first that come to mind, this could be very good.

7/10






*Spoiler*: _eternity_ 





i loved parts of this _very_ much. "the keep of pupil" was a line that struck me as sophisticated and striking, and i liked the flow of the poem, the listing of the
parts, quite a bit. however, these were gems buried under the "easiness" of the choice of eye for the theme, and again, the "easiness" of many of the images--"black
as night", "center of the circle", "explosion of colors". i'm not saying you couldn't still write about an eye, but i would encourage you to dig deeper
with this, go beyond the obvious, and in doing so, uncover something new that hasn't been said before, rather than defaulting to the well-traveled paths.

5/10


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## Garfield (Sep 1, 2011)

I won't be able to do shit before this weekend, hope you guys are ok with that.


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## Damaris (Sep 1, 2011)

it's the LD

wtf are deadlines?


----------



## Buskuv (Sep 1, 2011)

adee said:


> I won't be able to do shit before this weekend, hope you guys are ok with that.



You are hereby stripped of your rank, title and house.

For your crimes against the Literature Department, and its deadlines, you will be subject to bonded servitude, until such a time that the denizens of the Literature Department feel that your crimes have been payed.


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## Eternity (Sep 3, 2011)

My ratings are done


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## Garfield (Sep 3, 2011)

*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 



It was a really nice take on the nature of going forward and moving back, which as you could tell I quite like thinking about. I love how the generalization of the prose makes it so easy for metaphors to appear. And I also really liked that it was short and powerful. I like them short if you know what I mean. You made really good use of the subject title and the Dante reference was awesome! Easily the best poem for me in this contest, personally!
9/10





*Spoiler*: _CrazyCrazyMoron_ 



Well, you stuck true to your strength of vulgarity, so it's obvious that you'd produce something quite strong. But again, the general language could easily be used to produce metaphors. This sounded like a Wigger Rap  maybe not really freestyle poetry maybe, but then again, who am I to judge considering what I did... I liked your poem in that it used a good number of circles. I'll give this a good score because I'm a supporter of the raunch.
8/10





*Spoiler*: _Ms. Banned and then unbanned_ 



It seemed like a big ole dream sequence to me. The flow had a feeling quite like this song I heard of Mondo Grosso (A song I quite love in fact: pt.1 ; pt.2 ; pt.3 ) The swirling of the dancing, and of the memories of the person in the head, the swirling circular smoke of the haze, etc were what I perceived you got your circles into (I might be wrong). I'm usually not one interested in the romantic musings, so I apologize if I haven't been able to very easily identify with your poem, but I liked the imagery of it. It was very vivid and stuck with me. As I said again, it reminded me of a very wonderful song, so props to you for that.

I love the little ironies that registered in my head (whether they were intentional or not, I don't know) like "do not remember the red and yellow linoleum", "stilted music, which jumped, scratchy and reluctant", "the shards of glass you, picked from my arms, hair, eyes, the kiss I cupped" etc
I'll give you a 8.5/10





*Spoiler*: _ShikanadaNicole_ 



I'm not sure how you intended to incorporate the topic of circles in your poem, but I guess there's a vague allusion to it, if you think really hard about it...or something. As the others have said, you really really _really_ need to learn formatting and at least be a little bit presentable. But I guess given your age, it doesn't really surprise me. I hope you will learn and become better in future. The thought was there I could tell. So it's not a problem of stupidity, only a problem of lack of practical experience I guess.
5/10





*Spoiler*: _The Doctor_ 



Your poem was very gamey. Fitting, as you are a video game nerd  The poem made me imagine the starting sequence to a Sid Meier's Civilization (Pre Civ IV). I love those games. I also like the concept of incorporating the circle of violence, which like Tyrael, again you can tell I'm quite fond of thinking of. The best part about your poem is how abstruse it is and the way one has to think a bit harder to start the imagination process. With the others, the scenery just came naturally while reading the poem, but for yours, I had to fondle each line for a while before I dove into the scene. 
That aspect of it makes it kind of like alcohol I think. Bitter and unwelcoming initially but as you acquire the taste you enjoy it a lot.
I'll give you a 9/10 as well.





*Spoiler*: _Eternity_ 



I was expecting some allusion to your name in the poem, but nein  Anywho. The poem was innovative I guess, you took a really different approach to a very easily identifiable topic. The analogy of eye to life was somewhat established. But the connection seemed prominent only in the last paragraph. In fact the whole topic of circles seemed to feature only in the first and last paragraphs (as you said, you trailed off a bit?) I had to go back and reread it due to that sudden loss and that sudden connection made to circular-ness and to the connection. Only then did the first two stanzas make any sense towards the topic (then too very very vaguely, as with ShikanaraNicole. But the innovativeness earned you, my friend, a:
7/10




This was a good competition. I hope to see all you again in very near future. Anyone keen on hosting the next round?


----------



## Eternity (Sep 4, 2011)

adee said:


> *Spoiler*: _Tyrael_
> 
> 
> 
> ...



The idea of somehow putting a link to my name into the poem was stuck at the back of my head when i started, but it seems I was just to tired to do anything about it


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## Tyrael (Sep 6, 2011)

Critiquing poetry is really bloody difficult.

*CMX *- I like the central metaphor and the strong ryhthm, but with such a subject matter it feels like this should be either funny or provocative, and I didn't really get that. Felt a little obvious, really. *5.5*

*Adee *- This felt a little uneven, as best I could gather it was a poem about cycles in civilisations. You are having fun with language and making an attempt to put layers within this poem, but it all seems a bit messy and all over the place. For delivering such a narrative this does not seem as focussed a poem as to naturally communicate your intention. At times it felt quite clinical and precise, but that only made it clash with the unevenness. *6.5*

*Damaris *- I loved the structure and wordplay here, the stretched and taut tone achieved by the overlapping stanzas that lent a sense of fragility to the narrator's retroactive rewriting of her memories. The biggest problem is that I did not get this week's theme from this one, and even if you wrote it with the assumption we know the theme already it still feels contrived. Okay, there is overtones of history repeating itslef and a waltz does resemble a vaguely circular motion, but it doesn't quite mesh. Very strong poem nonetheless. *8.5*

*ShikaNaraNicole *- You've taken quite a bit of flack for this, so I'm only going to say that you're likely still young or inexperienced. Keep going and keep learning, don't let this contest discourage you, and hopefully we'll be seeing a far more polished output later. But for this poem? *2*

*BK *- Nice imagery here, you capture an intensity that is powerful, evoking the way a moment can seem to consume the world. Beyond the striking images and well crafted word play, the structure and ideas seem fairly unremarkable. What this poem does seems fairly limited, although what it does do, it does very well. *7.5*

*Eternity *- I like the focus and simplicity of this one: it picks a central theme and sticks with it. The main problem is it doesn't seem to really link our eyes to anything else, more writing about eyes for the sake of it. Eyes are interesting and strange things with a lot of potential for poetic use, but this seems like it's just for the sake of itself. I liked how the structure is both circular and trying to mirror that of an eye's, but it seemed to limit itself to just being about an eye rather than much beyond that. *7*

*

I've made up a spread sheet to make it easier to tally the score: anyone else gonna be rating, or is it worth unveiling the results?


----------



## Garfield (Sep 7, 2011)

Advantage of studying to be engineer? I can do math in my head  

I'll remind CMX of his requirement to do the ratings, if he doesn't in the next 4 days, the scores shall be unveiled and (Tyrael most likely, as things stand now) the winner shall be rewarded with...


erm, 2 virgins?


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## CrazyMoronX (Sep 7, 2011)

*Tyrael - 4/10*

I don't get it. I think you're trying to make a point but I don't know what it is.  I like that it is short, and that it has some rhyming scheme, but otherwise it's a bit too vague for my tastes. 

*CrazyMoronX - 10/10*

It's awesome. You're a god among men.

*adee - 7/10*

I like aliens and I like crop circles. Therefore I like this poemtree. Like there are these crop aliens circling the universe and they shape and mold each of our destinies. 

*Damaris - 6/10*

I find it a bit long-winded. It's hard to pick up a reading tempo and flow with it, it's kind of messy. I like the allusions to genitals.


*ShikaNaraNicole - 9/10*

This reached down and touched my soul like a pederast father touching his son deep. Deep. 


*Dr. Boskov Krevorkian - 8/10*

I'm going to straight-talk you, Boskov, because I feel you can handle straight talk. I think this was pre-made, but I liked it anyway.


*Eternity - 5.4/10*

I think you missed the concept of the theme. I mean, the eyeball symbolism as it pertains to phallus is breathtaking, granted, but these are the wrong kinds of circles.


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## Buskuv (Sep 10, 2011)

.1 difference?

SON OF A BITCH


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## vampiredude (Dec 5, 2011)

how does one enter these competitons?


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## Buskuv (Feb 27, 2012)

Let's do this.


----------



## Pan-on (Apr 28, 2012)

So its 4am and I have started writing something for the first time in about 2 years and I thought "I wonder what happened to the FF contests..." where did it go guys? WHAT HAPPENED?


----------



## Garfield (May 2, 2012)

Well a lot happened since then. Osama was killed, Mitt Romney got confirmed as GOP candidate, Putin did his usual thing, Greece defaulted technically but no one will admit it, a few new books came out, How I Met Your Mother people confirmed that we will see Barney's wife in season finale, etc etc.

was that...


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## Buskuv (Dec 16, 2012)

Who wants to do this?


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 19, 2012)

Is that an actual question?

This is the first time I've been on NF for a while, but I'd totally be down for it.


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## Buskuv (Dec 19, 2012)

As serious as I always am, bruh.

We'd need a lot more activity in here.

I also just lost about 20 pages of work I'd started on something between a Novella and a Novel that formed out of the aborted attempt at NaNoWriMo, so I'm still really miffed about it.  Maybe this will help.


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## Tyrael (Dec 20, 2012)

That's totally minging dude.

There is a chance that waiting for this place to become active again is perhaps a bit optimistic.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 20, 2012)

I see Dream Brother in the Staff rooms now and again; maybe I'll get some ideas from him.

Other than that, I have no actual mod powers here, so it'll be completely unofficial.


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## Pan-on (Dec 20, 2012)

NEVER FEAR FOR I AM HERE


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## Tyrael (Dec 20, 2012)

I'll grab him next time I see him online. Maybe if we get six people saying they'd enter we should just dive into it?

Edit - lol, Pan, now I've just got an image of your avatar saying that.


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## Buskuv (Dec 20, 2012)

ITS THAT DAMNED SPIDER

And, yeah, if you see him around nab 'im.  If not, I can probably ask a SMod or Admin about getting those prizes up for the contest again--they seemed to gather a few others, or at least enough to keep it going.


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## Dream Brother (Dec 20, 2012)

Yo. 

I have no mod powers either, guys -- I retired from modding ages ago. I have no idea what the current policy is on prizes, but as far as I know there shouldn't be any problems on that front. The only issue is gathering enough activity for the contest.


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## Buskuv (Dec 20, 2012)

We have summoned him.

Yeah, forgot about that, but there's no need to really mod anything, save for asking to give out the prizes, anyways.   You game, DB?


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## Dream Brother (Dec 20, 2012)

You mean...actually participate in a FF contest? The last time I did that was years ago! Good times, though. I had less grey hair in those days. (I also have fond memories of when some of us wrote _Naruto_ fanfiction.)

I'll pass on it, but hopefully there are other people on the forum who will try it out.


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## Eternity (Dec 20, 2012)

Hmm..


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## Buskuv (Dec 21, 2012)

I won't let you die!

Alright, so we'll shoot for 6 and when we get 4-5, we'll go for it.  I have no idea for a theme, honestly, so I might just make something up and roll with it, if that seems kosher.  Or DB can do us the honor, at the very least, so it stays impartial.


----------



## Eternity (Dec 21, 2012)

Tell me more about this contest.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 21, 2012)

You should probably read , and possibly some of the related links.


----------



## Eternity (Dec 21, 2012)

You sure thats the right link? It doesn't really say anything about what flashfics are, and unless I am really incompetent, no links are there either.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 21, 2012)

Boo, links are fucked.

Anyways, FlashFiction contests are where you are given a them, anything from dogs to failed marriages, and you have 500 words to make something cool out of it.  No other rules.  We have a week, usually, to do it and then we close the thread, take 2-3 days to rate (everyone who participated can rate; I think we had some non-participants rate, too) and then at the end of the ratings process, we tally it up the scores and someone wins a BRAND NEW CAR!


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 22, 2012)

Anyone who wanted could rate, but you couldn't rate your own story. A big part of it was the short feedback given with the ratings - it's much more useful for developing if you are getting constructive criticism and being forced to think about writing in a critical way.

Not so big a part as the car, mind.


----------



## Garfield (Dec 22, 2012)

I won a Sony laptop in one contest where I was placed sixth out of six.

Just sayin' you know, for interested participants.


----------



## Damaris (Dec 22, 2012)

i'm here
i'm queer
i wanna do this


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 22, 2012)

adee said:


> I won a Sony laptop in one contest where I was placed sixth out of six.
> 
> Just sayin' you know, for interested participants.



Gimme.

I need a new one. >.>


----------



## Pan-on (Dec 25, 2012)

I won a coloured forum name, or a flashing forum name, I can't remember. Anyway the important point is that it was supposed to last like a month and I had it for ageeeeeeeeeeeeeees because someone forgot to remove it or something.


----------



## Eternity (Dec 25, 2012)

Joining this when we start it then.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 31, 2012)

All systems running...

We have lift off!

Hopefully we'll be able to continue the trend; it was pretty awesome.


----------



## Eternity (Dec 31, 2012)

Already at 100 words. The juices of my muse is flowing.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 31, 2012)

I tend to pour the whole thing out in one sitting, and barely touch it up.

It's the best way.


----------



## Eternity (Dec 31, 2012)

Agreed. It's almost 04:30 here, and I can't bring myself to stop writing.


----------



## Krory (Jan 1, 2013)

Maybe this will actually motivate me to do something creative and productive. Think it's been well over a year (probably going on two or three) since I wrote something that wasn't just a bunch of chicken-scratch ideas. I must change this.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 1, 2013)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I tend to pour the whole thing out in one sitting, and barely touch it up.
> 
> It's the best way.



'twas my method too, but my current wordprocessor doesn't have spell check, so I feel like that would be inadvisable.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 1, 2013)

Krory!  Do it!

And Ty, yes it is.  Spellcheck is a nasty crutch, one that I indulge heavily, but I think I can only write train of thought or otherwise it just sucks, so I roll with it and take the punches as a roll.


----------



## Krory (Jan 2, 2013)

There we go.

My first real piece of work in a very, very long time.

Didn't proofread as I knew if I did I would never have let myself go through with posting it.


----------



## tgre (Jan 2, 2013)

Andrew... I fucking love you for bringing this back

here's me giving you my sword/axe/bow/vaseline

I fully support this revival.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 2, 2013)

It's        time!


----------



## Krory (Jan 2, 2013)

tGre teh Disleksik said:


> Andrew... I fucking love you for bringing this back
> 
> here's me giving you my sword/axe/bow/vaseline
> 
> I fully support this revival.



Just gotta second this. Thanks for giving me an outlet to participate in. It's nice to get something accomplished for once.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 2, 2013)

Indeed. My writing progress have been rather stagnent for the last few months..


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 2, 2013)

FlashFiction is fantastic, and credit goes to Dream Brother (or maybe some of the other LD regs) for implementing it so well way back when.  I got lots of writing done when I participated, and it's fantastic for spurring discussion and shit.

However, I need to sit down and write.

Lucky for me, the Literature Department has deadlines like game companies--which means, none at all.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 2, 2013)

Credit needs to go to Bats - 'twas his idea and he laid down the rules, which have only been tweaked since.

Back then the LD was still really becoming the LD - weren't really any regs, unless you count Yu, CTK and myself in the AN thread.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 2, 2013)

Shhhhh

Don't ruin my nostalgia.

Edit;

Kira was so nice as to let me wrangle the Prize Parlour into my dastardly mittens, so make sure you take a look at it if you have any questions about the prizes and/or claiming them.

Or you can just ask me.


----------



## Krory (Jan 3, 2013)

Wait, there's actual prizes?

Maybe my hopes of a flashy "NANNAPOCALYPSE" usertitle are within reason. Mwuahahaha.

Excellent.


----------



## Damaris (Jan 3, 2013)

Smaug said:


> Shhhhh
> 
> Don't ruin my nostalgia.
> 
> ...



did winning the brief poetry contest (that lives forever in our hearts) mean i get any points?

there's nothing i won't do for some sense of achievement and self-validation


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 3, 2013)

I might thing about starting a Poem contest, but I think it would be more difficult and hard to fulfill because of the differences between the two--requirements and such would need to be different, and it would still be a week and a half or so between contests.

We'll see how the FF goes.

As for prizes, we do.  It's in the Prize Parlour, and Kira let me have control of the first post so I can manage it.  There's only three from which to choose, but it works.  Gotta win a lot to get 'em, though.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 3, 2013)

I love to write poetry!


----------



## Damaris (Jan 3, 2013)

Smaug said:


> I might thing about starting a Poem contest, but I think it would be more difficult and hard to fulfill because of the differences between the two--requirements and such would need to be different, and it would still be a week and a half or so between contests.
> 
> We'll see how the FF goes.
> 
> As for prizes, we do.  It's in the Prize Parlour, and Kira let me have control of the first post so I can manage it.  There's only three from which to choose, but it works.  Gotta win a lot to get 'em, though.



the last poem contest actually worked out well i can't remember the exact rules/set up, but i'm sure i could dig up the thread. it was a while ago i guess, i mean CMX was an entrant...
there were quite a few participants and very good entries
i actually take full responsibility for its death because i won and then promptly requested a ban, and so never submitted the next theme or anything and i think it petered out
my bad


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 3, 2013)

lol

Well, we can try it out, but I want to see the FlashFiction go its course first, that way we can avoid confusion about the differences between the two.  I'll also need to make a separate post/addition to the old post about the contest, the rules and the prizes, etc.


----------



## Krory (Jan 3, 2013)

As long as it keeps going, I'll do my damnedest to keep participating in the FlashFiction contest.

Not sure I could ever get back into poetry, though.


----------



## tgre (Jan 3, 2013)

Smaug said:


> FlashFiction is fantastic, and credit goes to Dream Brother (or maybe some of the other LD regs) for implementing it so well way back when.  I got lots of writing done when I participated, and it's fantastic for spurring discussion and shit.
> 
> However, I need to sit down and write.
> 
> Lucky for me, the Literature Department has deadlines like game companies--which means, none at all.



This.

I just remember DB and Tyrael giving solid feedback to everyone in the FF. Two of the most helpful people in here along with Bats.

CTK and Yu were regulars if I remember correctly

along with Freija (although he only posted in the ASOIAF thread

EDIT: Just saw Tyr post the exact same thing. Fuck.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 3, 2013)

Well, so were people like Less.

Less gave brutal, honest and informative feedback before he got lazy and stopped.


----------



## Krory (Jan 3, 2013)

I never knew Less, but he scared me. Just sayin'. I remember there being a Naruto fanfiction contest a long, long time ago that I took part in and I was looking forward to how he would rate things - even my own - as he was one of the people rating (y'know, before it fell apart)... but there was anonymity to that one, so kind of different.

And, again, it was Naruto stuff, so, yeah...

Still scary.


----------



## Dream Brother (Jan 3, 2013)

Ty is correct -- Bats started the first FF thread back in 2008, and I think Mori was the one who organised the prizes. Good times, especially the convo threads. 



Krory said:


> I never knew Less, but he scared me. Just sayin'. I remember there being a Naruto fanfiction contest a long, long time ago that I took part in and I was looking forward to how he would rate things - even my own - as he was one of the people rating (y'know, before it fell apart)... but there was anonymity to that one, so kind of different.
> 
> And, again, it was Naruto stuff, so, yeah...
> 
> Still scary.



The odd thing is that I was just reading through that contest thread again the other day. (Assuming it's the same one you're talking about.) It was fun to read the entries and then the critique from the judges. Less always left interesting feedback.


----------



## tgre (Jan 3, 2013)

Less was hilarious

he probably still is if he'd ever post.

I wish Tom[mori] posted more. He was always awesome to talk to. He had a real knack for this sort of stuff as well.


----------



## Krory (Jan 3, 2013)

Dream Brother said:


> The odd thing is that I was just reading through that contest thread again the other day. (Assuming it's the same one you're talking about.) It was fun to read the entries and then the critique from the judges. Less always left interesting feedback.



I'm not sure how many there have been, I only knew of the one. Was back in mid-2007 or so. There weren't enough judges/votes posted for a winner to actually be chosen (my fic was only rated once, by Ruri now that I look back - don't know what name they used to be under, I can't keep up with all the name changes  Or maybe there wasn't a name change and I just REALLY don't remember). Was also looking forward to Stacey/Rhaella's comments on everything.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 3, 2013)

Batman, Amnesia and I rolled with thunder.  

Just look at dem points.


----------



## Damaris (Jan 3, 2013)

whatever happened to rhaella
is she still at law school


----------



## Krory (Jan 3, 2013)

Anony34215 said:


> whatever happened to rhaella
> is she still at law school



Don't know. I'd like to know as well. She was a good friend years ago but I think she just kind of got overwhelmed with various things. It's been a very long time since I've seen her around (but I also don't venture far on these forums anymore) or spoken to her.


----------



## Damaris (Jan 3, 2013)

yeah tbh it wasn't even on the forums that i met her, it was an irc chat
she was already inactive on nf by the time i got around to making an account, i think
she was awesome though


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 3, 2013)

RhaeRhae was pretty great, one of my favorite forum members.


----------



## Krory (Jan 3, 2013)

Anony34215 said:


> yeah tbh it wasn't even on the forums that i met her, it was an irc chat
> she was already inactive on nf by the time i got around to making an account, i think
> she was awesome though



Same here, actually. Though I had seen her post and was active on the forum, didn't really start talking to her until it was on the IRC chat. Was quite active on the IRC chat back in the day. Until I was, y'know, essentially perm-banned there... but yeah. She's definitely one of those once-in-a-lifetime kinda' people. Like Para and halfhearted (at least to me).




Smaug said:


> RhaeRhae was pretty great, one of my favorite forum members.



I made her read my essays. I read hers to feel dumb. It was a thing we had.  Those were the days.


----------



## Damaris (Jan 3, 2013)

i rp'd exalted with her on IRC lol #loser
the group fell apart eventually, but i met some cool people thru there and she was definitely one of them 
i think i remember talking to halfhearted in my earlier days a little maybe? i know para from the mspa thread but thats it, she seems cool. i need to get in better with staff so i can get a 4th name change


----------



## tgre (Jan 3, 2013)

Stacey went to law school?

Themoreyouknow.gif


----------



## Krory (Jan 3, 2013)

Psh, I'm still trying to get my 7th 4th name change. Ain't happening.  Then again everyone that actually knows me, they know me as Krory and when I changed from Krory all I fucking heard was people telling me to change it back.

It's cool that you got to RP with Stacey, never knew that was her bag.  Kinda jelly. But yeah, she was definitely one of the cool ones. I mostly knew halfy before she got modded. Was great fun and had a lot of intellectual conversations with her (we spoke quite extensively about Shin Angyo Onshi and D.Gray-Man). That feels like so long ago, too. Para's just a great person all around.


----------



## Damaris (Jan 3, 2013)

yeah we both played sidereals iirc 
i remember being impressed that she was smart enough to actually understand the exalted combat system 
para indulged my fantasies of gay hatesex with my clone so she seems pretty great, or at least very patient


----------



## tgre (Jan 3, 2013)

as much as I love nostalgia-

I'm going to try and stay on topic and just say that I absolutely adored your entry Tyrael. I didn't expect the ending at all, fucking brilliant.

Was half expecting a slice-of-life-esque short depicting crazy characters in a shopping store.

Pulled it off with aplomb.


----------



## Damaris (Jan 3, 2013)

i think i'm going to write rhaella fanfiction as my entry now


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 3, 2013)

tGre teh Disleksik said:


> as much as I love nostalgia-
> 
> I'm going to try and stay on topic and just say that I absolutely adored your entry Tyrael. I didn't expect the ending at all, fucking brilliant.
> 
> ...



Much appreciated dude - glad you enjoyed it.

One of the great things about the FFs was that, even in cases of specific themes most people had very different spins on it. I think that's turning out to be the case so far with this one too.


----------



## tgre (Jan 3, 2013)

^seconded

I think I enjoy participating in FFs for the sole reason of interpreting the topic in a way no-one will expect regardless of subject content.


----------



## Dream Brother (Jan 3, 2013)

Rhae was indeed cool. I haven't seen her online in ages though. 



> I think I enjoy participating in FFs for the sole reason of interpreting the topic in a way no-one will expect regardless of subject content.



I still remember your horror style FF entry from one of the first few rounds -- it completely freaked me out, haha. 



Krory said:


> I'm not sure how many there have been, I only knew of the one. Was back in mid-2007 or so. There weren't enough judges/votes posted for a winner to actually be chosen (my fic was only rated once, by Ruri now that I look back - don't know what name they used to be under, I can't keep up with all the name changes  Or maybe there wasn't a name change and I just REALLY don't remember). Was also looking forward to Stacey/Rhaella's comments on everything.



Sounds like the same one: 

I remember the long delays during the judging...even though I didn't take part in the competition, I was still interested and kept an eye on it. I never got around to reading all the entries though.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 3, 2013)

Dream Brother said:


> I still remember your horror style FF entry from one of the first few rounds -- it completely freaked me out, haha.



Must have been a memorable one, I'm pretty sure I know the one you mean. Demented in all the right ways.



> Sounds like the same one:
> 
> I remember the long delays during the judging...even though I didn't take part in the competition, I was still interested and kept an eye on it. I never got around to reading all the entries though.



No surprise there was long delays - that's a demanding critique system.


----------



## Krory (Jan 3, 2013)

Yup, that's the one. It's disappointing it went south like that but, yeah, as Tyrael said it was a very demanding critique system. Can't entirely blame everyone and I'm sure all the judges had their own things to worry about. Over thirty entries. Certainly can't be easy.

Surprisingly I got a comment on mine years later because a friend knew which one mine was and she was showing other people.  Oh the days when I still cared about Naruto...


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 3, 2013)

It's better to just trust that people are willing to put effort into feedback, I reckon - everyone is in much the same boat, and most of us realise that giving feedback helps you grow as a writer as much as writing and receiving criticism.

It is one of the weird things about leaving things on the internet though - occasionally, someone will comment on a blog post or an old fanfic I left dangling on ff.net. In a weird way it's like we forget that our writing is actually being done in public. Kinda.


----------



## Krory (Jan 4, 2013)

Tyrael said:


> It's better to just trust that people are willing to put effort into feedback, I reckon - everyone is in much the same boat, and most of us realise that giving feedback helps you grow as a writer as much as writing and receiving criticism.
> 
> It is one of the weird things about leaving things on the internet though - occasionally, someone will comment on a blog post or an old fanfic I left dangling on ff.net. In a weird way it's like we forget that our writing is actually being done in public. Kinda.



I still get e-mails from ff.net about people adding something I wrote to a favorites or some of that likes on a rare occasion. It confuses me so tremendously because I have to remember that I actually wrote something. It really does just kind of slip from the mind that it's all still just hanging out there and that anyone is likely to stumble upon it.

I can definitely see the benefits of _giving_ feedback to other writers. Providing one has an open mind, of course. I think that's one thing I never engaged in as much but definitely intend to here.


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Jan 4, 2013)

I get emails for that like weekly and sometimes people will email and say I should continue stuff that's obviously ended. I sometimes think it's a little suspect though.


----------



## tgre (Jan 6, 2013)

solid entries guys

There's still four days left until the FF deadline, I wish we could get a few more people to participate... I know there are a shit-ton of you fucks who can actually write as well.

I've already read two of the entries so I guess I'll hold off until the actual deadline for reviews then.

Looking forward to a few more entries though guys. Good luck and all that.


----------



## Damaris (Jan 6, 2013)

are we just posting reviews in this thread then?


----------



## Mori` (Jan 6, 2013)

tGre teh Disleksik said:


> I wish Tom[mori] posted more. He was always awesome to talk to. He had a real knack for this sort of stuff as well.



I was only ever good at promoting stuff =p

Glad to see the LD still has life, and that many of the regulars who got it up and running still check in!


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 6, 2013)

You not tempted to throw your hat in the ring Mori? Don't remember if you ever took part in the FFs the first time around.



Anony34215 said:


> are we just posting reviews in this thread then?



Yeah, probably best idea.


----------



## tgre (Jan 6, 2013)

Mori` said:


> I was only ever good at promoting stuff =p
> 
> Glad to see the LD still has life, and that many of the regulars who got it up and running still check in!



Haha holy shit

this guy!

Been a while lmao

I guess if we namedrop you enough, you'll get summoned!


----------



## Mist Puppet (Jan 6, 2013)

Finally got off my butt and wrote something that isn't related to roleplaying or a poem. Been a long time since I've done something like that, and the topic gave me a lot to work with. The feeling was nice.


----------



## Krory (Jan 6, 2013)

I reached out in some places and directly to at least one member who I know is a writer to try and get some more activity around here. Looks like it garnered some interest!  And good to see another whole entry.

@Merry - I know what you mean. I've been in a dryspell overall aside from jotting down ideas for a couple of years now before I did my FlashFiction. It was a very fulfilling and exciting feeling.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 6, 2013)

tGre teh Disleksik said:


> solid entries guys
> 
> There's still four days left until the FF deadline, I wish we could get a few more people to participate... I know there are a shit-ton of you fucks who can actually write as well.
> 
> ...



I'm probably going to do it tonight or today; I have the day off, and I might be able to get off my lazy ass and hook one out of the ol' noodle.  I have to have just 'click' moment and I write it down in like half an hour at random.



Anony34215 said:


> are we just posting reviews in this thread then?



Yeah.  It will keep things from being cluttered; when you review, though, possibly bold the numerical rating so I can comb through the thread easily and tally at the end.



Mori` said:


> I was only ever good at promoting stuff =p
> 
> Glad to see the LD still has life, and that many of the regulars who got it up and running still check in!


----------



## tgre (Jan 6, 2013)

Btw Andy, should we just change this thread title to "LD convo thread" or something? Since it pretty much is just general conversation. I know at the start we said we'd keep non-entrant posts out of the Flashfic (when it first started) but ever since the first one, we've had reviews and the entry feedback in the flashfic thread itself.

I was just about to start posting some actual feedback in this thread right now and I was like: "wait a sec, it'll look too much like a review so I might as well wait until everyone has their entries up."

regardless, let's get some promoting done. It doesn't take that long for someone to type up 500 words. Especially if you give them a topic with no semantic limitations.

I mean, we're literally asking people to let their imaginations run wild. And who knows, we may cultivate some really good writers out of it.

yeah...

I'm going to go with that to lure people and/or activity back into the LD.


----------



## Krory (Jan 6, 2013)

tGre teh Disleksik said:


> Btw Andy, should we just change this thread title to "LD convo thread" or something? Since it pretty much is just general conversation. I know at the start we said we'd keep non-entrant posts out of the Flashfic (when it first started) but ever since the first one, we've had reviews and the entry feedback in the flashfic thread itself.
> 
> I was just about to start posting some actual feedback in this thread right now and I was like: "wait a sec, it'll look too much like a review so I might as well wait until everyone has their entries up."



Yeah, I've been kind of unsure about doing my reviews yet. I wasn't sure if we were supposed to wait until it's done or which thread to post them in. I've been kind of itching to get them done.




> regardless, let's get some promoting done. It doesn't take that long for someone to type up 500 words. Especially if you give them a topic with no semantic limitations.
> 
> I mean, we're literally asking people to let their imaginations run wild. And who knows, we may cultivate some really good writers out of it.
> 
> ...



Agreed. I'm glad to see Jaded Heart responded to my PM by showing up and Agsrower made a thread in the Blender and is reaching out to people in her Bath House thread to possibly participate (Law and Cromer look like maybes/hopefuls). Still got a few days so I'll see what I can do to try and grab some more attention.

I think there might be people who are probably equally or more interested in a Poetry Contest as well. Food for thought. Though I know that much is contingent on the success of the FlashFiction.


----------



## tgre (Jan 6, 2013)

I'm gonna go ahead and see if I can get some of the RPers to join in

alot of them are quite frankly, horrid but a few of them are creative masterminds. They create scenarios and characters with an absurd amount of depth. I sometimes fear and adore that the RP section has the capacity to be the creative pinnacle of the board.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 6, 2013)

Chaos Theory. Nuff said.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 6, 2013)

We have a LD convo, Teej.

I'll probably rename the thread, but I'll have to link all the reviews to the individual FF threads in order for them to not be lost in the waves of posts (haha).  Otherwise, we're doing really well for the first round--this also happened last time and we lost about 2/3 of the participants until it was a group of regulars, but that's fine, too.


----------



## tgre (Jan 6, 2013)

then I'm blind mate

fuck me dead it was too early in the morning when I posted that.


----------



## Pan-on (Jan 6, 2013)

I will have my entry up at some point in the next couple of days, been mulling over what to write about.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 6, 2013)

Goddamn writer's block.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 6, 2013)

How can you have writers block when you can write anything! 

Though I get it, those total blocks does hit once in a while.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 6, 2013)

Eternity said:


> How can you have writers block when you can write anything!
> 
> Though I get it, those total blocks does hit once in a while.



Because I get ideas and then delete everything because I'm pretty self-critical.

I don't really like most of what I write lol.  

Once I get going, though, I usually just go all out.  I just need to find that weird, unusual minute where it's like 3AM and I have that catharsis that needs to be written, or funny idea.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 6, 2013)

Smaug said:


> Because I get ideas and then delete everything because I'm pretty self-critical.
> 
> I don't really like most of what I write lol.
> 
> Once I get going, though, I usually just go all out.  I just need to find that weird, unusual minute where it's like 3AM and I have that catharsis that needs to be written, or funny idea.



Gotcha.


----------



## Azure Ihrat (Jan 6, 2013)

oh fuck oh fuck i have too many words


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 7, 2013)

I had to be brutal with my piece in that regard - cut out over a hundred words. That shit's always painful.



Eternity said:


> How can you have writers block when you can write anything!
> 
> Though I get it, those total blocks does hit once in a while.



I find it's much more difficult with really wide, vague themes. The more specific, the more it challenges you to get creative and interesting.


----------



## Krory (Jan 7, 2013)

On topic of writer's block, it's really not uncommon for me to just get completely stumped - it mostly comes in the form of trying to figure out how the Hell to start a particular idea. Not sure if that really counts, but...


----------



## Azure Ihrat (Jan 7, 2013)

i agree that restrictions are what inspire creativity more so than permissiveness.

i'd love for there to be some kind of "fiction without the letter e" or "fiction without indefinite articles" contest.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 7, 2013)

But then I'd have to google indefinite article.


----------



## Krory (Jan 7, 2013)

Paracetamol Boy said:


> i agree that restrictions are what inspire creativity more so than permissiveness.
> 
> i'd love for there to be some kind of "fiction without the letter e" or "fiction without indefinite articles" contest.



That sounds extremely interested and terrifying at the same time.

Oh God, just imagining a "fiction without the letter e." It would be very interesting to go through the whole alphabet like that.

Actually reminds me, I was thinking we should start giving bonus points to people who manage to follow the theme without using the actual word.  I noticed myself and most of the others used "return" in their work.

I'm also hoping this gets enough activity that more consideration is given to the poetry contest. I'm still not sure about participating myself but I did see a few people noting a preference for writing poetry.


----------



## Azure Ihrat (Jan 7, 2013)

the 'no es' thing was actually lazily ripped from a book somebody actually fucking wrote, in french no less. then someone did an english translation whilst preserving that. it's pretty remarkable:



i'm more of a poet than prose-writer but i have a difficult time imagining critical feedback from a place as sparse as the LD.


----------



## Krory (Jan 7, 2013)

That is utterly amazing. Unbelievable, even. Particularly managing to translate it while maintaining that aspect. But incredibly awesome, I had no idea.

Perhaps I'm being overly optimistic in hoping that the LD becomes a bit "less sparse." Regardless, I'm excited to see what comes from this first contest and to see how things progress. I've become inexplicably hopeful.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 7, 2013)

Well, in the FFs there was a regular crew of people giving ratings and crits, so you would get a lot of feedback. Worth at least trying with poetry.

I like how the Spanish translation of that has three es in the title.


----------



## Kitsune (Jan 7, 2013)

I was sent here by TJ.

Two questions (probably dumb ones). What is a flashfic and where do I post the entry? And what is the contest schedule? That was three.


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## tgre (Jan 7, 2013)

flashfic - 500 word essay. Topic provided but you can write the essay under pretty much any interpretation you can think up.

its basically a short essay comp where we critique and rate ourselves. Kinda like Sotw etc where there's a prize pool but really, people take away good critique on their writing and the fact that they're achieving personal goals by devoting themselves to using the LD as a creative outlet.

Here is the Flashfic thread where you can post your entries and read others (topic is in the OP)



also the deadline for this current one is the 10th so about 3 days from now.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 7, 2013)

and when we say deadline, we mean a kind of loose, open-to-interpretation date that may or may not actually end on the 10th of January.

welcome to the LD.

at one point, and this was a long while ago, we actually went on to write a much large piece, basically a novel (for those that remember) but I don't actually remember if we got past the first chapter.  it was brutal, I remember that.

the return theme was a tossaway that is making me angry at how vague it is, so don't expect them all to be like that; whoever wins chooses the next theme and so on and so forth.  it can get pretty bizarre.  I personally liked the picture/song ones, too.


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## Shrike (Jan 7, 2013)

I will definitely write my piece tonight or tomorrow. Never was an active member of NF, let alone this section, but I am glad that this section exists. I should warn you thought that English isn't my first language and that I won't be able to measure or rate your works properly, so my 'grades' will not involve a lot of productive critique and will mostly be based on 'I liked it' or 'I didn't like it that much because of this and that'.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 7, 2013)

Might be an idea to get a bit tighter with the deadline though - one of the main problems with the old competitions is we all got so damn lax, and it became increasingly erratic and irregular.



Spike_Shrike said:


> I will definitely write my piece tonight or tomorrow. Never was an active member of NF, let alone this section, but I am glad that this section exists. I should warn you thought that English isn't my first language and that I won't be able to measure or rate your works properly, so my 'grades' will not involve a lot of productive critique and will mostly be based on 'I liked it' or 'I didn't like it that much because of this and that'.



As long as you can identify what you disliked/liked about it that's cool, as it is still giving the writer some compass on what elements were more effective. No need for in-depth critique.


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## Buskuv (Jan 7, 2013)

Ty, I know.  I gave it a week and a half for tha reason.  Hopefully we can avoid the laxness of previous threads, but life is erratic, I suppose.


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## Tyrael (Jan 7, 2013)

True enough, it's pretty cool that it is back at all really.


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## Krory (Jan 7, 2013)

Smaug said:


> I personally liked the picture/song ones, too.



Picture/song themes? As in someone actually posted a picture or a song as the theme that people had to interpret?


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## Eternity (Jan 7, 2013)

I would love to do a music interpretation. :33


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## Damaris (Jan 7, 2013)

I WANT A MUSIC INTERPRETATION
i'll make everyone listen to lana del rey
either that or swedish prog rock


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## tgre (Jan 7, 2013)

I personally loved the picture ones

"A picture is worth a 1000 words" 

"FUCK YOU KEEP IT TO 500"

"well shit."

I loved that.


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## Krory (Jan 7, 2013)

inb4 Krory makes everyone interpret an OMAM song.


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## Lucaniel (Jan 7, 2013)

whoever wins should pick "You Suffer"


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## Kitsune (Jan 7, 2013)

Thanks for the answers, I'd love to participate. Not sure if I can make by the 10th but I'll certainly do this in the near future (subscribed to thread).


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## Pan-on (Jan 7, 2013)

pretty sure we did one based on music before a while back

EDIT  - found it but it appears the links to the songs no longer work


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## Buskuv (Jan 7, 2013)

yeah, music was my favorite

because i got to choose the music 

the pictures were really cool, so experimenting with different 'themes' that aren't just phrases or words would be pretty cool


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 8, 2013)

Fuck, I forgot how hard it is for me to press submit.


----------



## Kitsune (Jan 8, 2013)

Nobody should feel too shy, even though it's natural when sharing creative output of any kind.

I read non-fiction most of the time and only have experience writing non-fiction so mine is dry and terse, but I want to help support the revival of this contest.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 8, 2013)

Alright, for those that want to check out some of the previous entries/ideas/whatever, I've scoured the LD for the previous threads--for some reason a few are missing, I'm not sure if I'm blind or they are actually missing.  So it goes.




 (because why not?)
 (shhh)

 (again, shhh)






 (fuck if I know)

Maybe I should update the thread...

Bah, naw.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 8, 2013)

God, those threads make me miss all the LD regulars.

Bats for the feedback, especially; I hope he's going good things with that talent of his.


----------



## Krory (Jan 8, 2013)

Yeah, I gotta say after the fact (and after I finally caved and re-read what I wrote), I feel kind of unsure about my entry... but I don't regret submitting it. I think that sounds weird, but alas.

Anyways... those threads kind of make me regret that I never paid attention to this area before. Rather saddening. Especially considering it could've been so much better for my health than the Gaming Department.


----------



## tgre (Jan 9, 2013)

Oh man Andy... those threads give me so much nostalgia hahaha

And I completely agree, Bats was terrific, I miss Less and cheifrocka as well. Those guys were machines. I loved chei's way of storytelling though, that guy was... just so FUCKING COOL


----------



## tgre (Jan 9, 2013)

everyone get psyched

ratings tomorrow 

also everyone get your entries in fucking now and if you think anyone else on the boards might be interested, tell them they have until tomorrow. 

Feel happy that people have taken a few short minutes/hours out of their day to post a short here in the LD. I'll definitely try and do them justice with the ratings I give.


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## Eternity (Jan 9, 2013)

Ill do my best.


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## Laura (Jan 9, 2013)

I'll make sure that I have a good sleep so that I'm in the perfect reading mood.


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## Shrike (Jan 9, 2013)

I have already read what has been posted but I will have to reread anyway. Cheers to these writing skirmishes.


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## Tyrael (Jan 9, 2013)

Smaug said:


> Alright, for those that want to check out some of the previous entries/ideas/whatever, I've scoured the LD for the previous threads--for some reason a few are missing, I'm not sure if I'm blind or they are actually missing.  So it goes.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Haha, it's interesting to see how we've changed as writers. Surprisingly enough, reading my old stuff back, there haven't been too many times when I've winced painfully.


----------



## Azure Ihrat (Jan 9, 2013)

sweet shit, what a solid lineup of entries.


----------



## Pan-on (Jan 9, 2013)

My entry will be up very shortly, just finishing it off


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## Buskuv (Jan 9, 2013)

Tyrael said:


> Haha, it's interesting to see how we've changed as writers. Surprisingly enough, reading my old stuff back, there haven't been too many times when I've winced painfully.



It really is.  

And speak for yourself.


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## Shivers (Jan 10, 2013)

Threw my hat in. The first thing I've written in a long, long time.


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## Damaris (Jan 10, 2013)

plEASE TELL ME WE HAVE TILL 12 AM


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## Krory (Jan 10, 2013)

I guess that would depend on 12am where you are. Looks like Bosky is cutting it down. Shame, there's some people I was hoping to drop their line there, yet I don't think they will be... but alas. There's always next time!


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## Buskuv (Jan 10, 2013)

I'll keep it open for awhile longer if there are people who want to enter; but we're already into the 11th in some places of the world lol.


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## Damaris (Jan 10, 2013)

THE WORLD RUNS ON EST ;_;


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## Krory (Jan 10, 2013)

Anony34215 said:


> THE WORLD RUNS ON EST ;_;



I usually think the same thing. But then I can sometimes be a smug murikan bastard.


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## Kitsune (Jan 10, 2013)

PST reporting in. When I'm on in the evening the rest of the world sleeps. I should dip your hands in a warm bowl of water.


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## tgre (Jan 10, 2013)

/11th right here

if its alright with you Andy, I'm going to start rating soon


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## Buskuv (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm fine with people starting the rating.   For now, let's keep them in the Feedback thread, and when everyone is done, I'll make a post linking to the individual posts.


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## Demetrius (Jan 10, 2013)

contest is officially jena'd


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## Krory (Jan 10, 2013)

Things have a habit of going that way wherever she goes.


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## Demetrius (Jan 10, 2013)

delightful entries so far, same goes for the perverted wonder jena


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## Jena (Jan 10, 2013)

Mwhaahahaaaa bow before me mortals.

Nah, I kid, I kid. I don't want you to bow, I'd rather you send me nudes.

So how do we do the review/rating thing? Can we just start listing our thoughts about people's submissions?


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 10, 2013)

Numerical ratings are 1-10.

Technically you're not required to leave any other feedback than that, because the contest  is based on the numerical score, but it is_highly_ recommended, and appreciated, to leave as detailed of feedback as possible.  The point of the contest is to be as honest as possible so that the people entering can improve their craft.


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## Demetrius (Jan 10, 2013)

it also requires work and brain cells which the above post did not add, are you up for the challenge jena


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## Jena (Jan 10, 2013)

Smaug said:


> Numerical ratings are 1-10.
> 
> Technically you're not required to leave any other feedback than that, because the contest  is based on the numerical score, but it is_highly_ recommended, and appreciated, to leave as detailed of feedback as possible.  The point of the contest is to be as honest as possible so that the people entering can improve their craft.



Can we PM you the ratings directly and just post our feedback here?

I feel bad going through person by person and being like THIS IS THE SCORE YOU GET, THIS IS THE NUMBER GOOD YOU DID. Ok, that was a little dramatic, but you get the point. I understand the need for numerical ratings but I don't want to slam someone either. You can leave the most detailed/helpful/thoughtful explanation in the world, but if you slap a big 1/10 in front of it it's still going to make the person feel horrible. 



Trinity said:


> it also requires work and brain cells which the above post did not add, are you up for the challenge jena


I have to _think_? Ughhhhh....


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## Krory (Jan 10, 2013)

You just don't have to tell me to my face that you're giving me a 1/10. 

/paranoid


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## Demetrius (Jan 10, 2013)

*with bias on the side*

leave me to be the first to review, how generous

i don't have a proper thought process, so i'll use numerical ratings to my advantage and if you prefer any feedback, i'll reply with a groan and if any offense is taken from an unusual low rating in your eyes, do tell -

eternity:
6.1/10

tyrael:
7.0/10

krory:
0/10, absolute rubbish


*Spoiler*: __ 



6.9/10, krory, well done




disleksik:
5.4/10

merry:
5.9/10

zoroark:
5.5/10

paracetamol:
6.7/10

spike:
7.3/10

smaug: 
7.1/10

kitsune:
7.0/10

pan-on:
5.8/10

jena: 
6.5/10

shivers:
7.6/10

anonyridiculousnumbers:
7.4/10


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## Buskuv (Jan 10, 2013)

The best criticism is harsh criticism. 

Nobody here (I hope) is going to take constructive criticism personally, and, again, the whole point of the contest really isn't the fancy doodads you can earn, but rather to improve how you write, and get feedback from a variety of people so that you can build upon what has been said.  

I'm also really lazy and I don't want to have to jump between PMs and forum posts to tally things up.


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## Jena (Jan 10, 2013)

Krory said:


> You just don't have to tell me to my face that you're giving me a 1/10.
> 
> /paranoid



You get a -100/10. There weren't any dicks in your story.



Smaug said:


> The best criticism is harsh criticism.


Alrightykins


----------



## Demetrius (Jan 10, 2013)

Jena said:


> You get a -100/10. There weren't any dicks in your story.


Goddamnit,        Jena.


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## Krory (Jan 10, 2013)

Damn. I _knew_ I should've added more dicks.


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## Tyrael (Jan 11, 2013)

Well part of this is learning to take criticism too. It's difficult, but totally worth it in order to improve.

Will probably do my ratings today, but it feels like my brain is jam on dropped toast.


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## Jena (Jan 11, 2013)

Trin and her decimals.

Sorry these aren't detailed and read mostly like insane ramblings.

*Eternity:* 5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 




I liked how you captured the anxiety of waiting for someone (presumably for a date), and I  also definitely want to know more about these two characters and how they met. That's also, unfortunately, one of the problems I had with the story. We're inside of a character's head but his [her?] voice is very unclear. 500 words is a short area to work with, but it's important to have some details down. I was confused by the character's age. Is s/he supposed to be older? The way s/he described watching teenagers and children, as well as the way some things were described, made it sound like they were middle-aged or older, but then other parts made it sound like they were younger (_e.g._, the tight jeans). I had a hard time fixing in on the story because I couldn't anchor the character. Not that it has to be extremely well-developed, but a bit more would've been nice.




*Tyrael*: 7/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Ok, you get _massive_ bonus points for being creative! I think this was easily the most creative entry. However, still a few problems. The beginning was confusing and redundant. We have the woman returning a baby, then it snaps to Sophie, then it snaps back to the woman. It's pretty jarring. That was the main problem I noticed. I think the story would've been much tighter if it had been more streamlined. Like I said, though, very creative. I want to know more about this world.




*Kory* 8/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Interesting, with enough empty space but not too much to confuse. It toed the line between "ambiguous" and "confusing". I think the writing was a little bit too much at times, if that makes sense. There were a few sentences that were either repetitive or too long.




*tGre teh Disleksik* 5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Some grammer issues, I also _hate_ it when authors write in sound effects in speech (but that's a personal issue). I'm certainly intrigued by the story, but I also feel like it could've been more "dramatic". For a story that was mostly about an action (running away from danger), it felt like there was way too much dialogue.




*Merry* 7/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Interesting story, but writing was a bit awkward at times (_e.g._, "Something he never did before now, a tradition broken on a single whim.")




*Zoroark* 5/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Writing was a bit awkward. There was a bit too much exposition for a story this short. I loved the interaction between the man and his family, but the explanation about why he was coming home/his physical description was a bit too long.




*Paracetamol Boy* 9/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Not sure what to say about this, really. Powerful, atmospheric, interesting. Loved it! The only problems I noticed were a few lines that were slightly clunky (_e.g._ "on something for that low buzzing")




*Spike_Shrike* 8/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



I enjoyed this a lot. I think everyone here can relate to that frustration of staring at a piece of paper and I liked how it took a few sentences in before the reader can tell what it is you're talking about. Funny and entertaining!




*Smaug* 8/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Definitely interesting, and I liked the writing. A bit too long-winded for my tastes, but you can chalk that up to personal preference. 




*Kitsune* 7/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



It was well-written and unique but...a little _too_ weird for me. I wasn't sure if the tone was supposed to be comedic or more serious. The part with the boulder asking about her child was a bit too strange/out-of-place for me, but I absolutely loved the description immediately following that scene of the pebble rolling off the stomach. It was very vivid.




*Pan-on* 6/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



A little bit too much time spent on build-up and not enough on pay off. The ending felt really rushed.




*Shivers* 9/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Ooooh, definitely interesting! Only thing I would say is that less is more when it comes to words. There were a few word choices (_e.g._, nacreous) that were unnecessary. 




*Anony34215* 8.5/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Very dark and interesting. I didn't really like the questions at the beginning, they felt out of place with the rest of the story.


----------



## Laura (Jan 11, 2013)

I agree about the dicks, your story is like a lesbian bathhouse krory.


----------



## Krory (Jan 11, 2013)

Agsrower said:


> I agree about the dicks, your story is like a lesbian bathhouse krory.



Fine, fine, my next one will be the biggest dick party you have ever seen!  Happy now?!

@Jena - Basically confirmed the fears I had of my piece, but now I know, thank you.


----------



## Mist Puppet (Jan 11, 2013)

The review, criticism, ravings of a mad man (whatever you want to call it) are in spoilers if you wanna peek at them uvu

Eternity: 5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



- Don't think the "beep" sound effects were necessary. If you were trying to build tension or suspense with the ringing phone (which I don't think you were), then interjecting increasingly racing thoughts between each ring would have been more effective. Here, it feels superfluous. I think the reader can infer what happened when the answering machine message is heard. 

- The metaphors and the personification bit was nice, but I think they were a bit lengthy, especially when writing something with a word restriction. For instance:



> With jack squat to reassure me, my arms begin toying with the paint dandruff that is just waiting to be picked by eager younglings, bored teenagers and anxious adults, waiting for the love of their life to come home.



could have been cut down to



> With jack squat to reassure me, my arms begin toying with the paint dandruff that is just waiting to be picked by the eager, the bored, and the anxious _(or restless or whatever adjective suits your fancy)_



You still get the point across, and you save some words that you might need somewhere else down the line. 

- I was kind of hoping for a description of this mysterious woman at the end. Something that could describe her the way the narrator sees her. More imperative since this is first person and the reader is basically standing right next to the narrator as he experiences these events. We know this guy really really likes this girl, so I think even a little description would have been handy. Flowery and exaggerated due to the narrator's love for her.


 

Tyrael: 7/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



- The story made me smile, definitely not how I would have expected that to turn out. 

- The structure of the first couple of paragraphs reads awkwardly. First line was great, a solid hook. But after that, it gets a bit disjointed since you move from the woman to the setting (which is brief) then move back to a character we are now getting introduced to and just moving forward. I get we're at this market place, but what kind of market? A supermarket, a flea market, some type of "black" market? The first line, great. Follow it up with an intro to sophie and her reaction (this is where you also tie in the setting as well as the thing about the boss, and her weariness of customers). 

- Speaking of Sophie, where did she go after reporting to her boss? By the looks of it, she seems new to the job and not aware of the actual workings. As a normal anchor to an otherwise surreal setting, I think her reaction is quite important. 

- The surreal aspects however are handled really well though.


 

Krory: 8/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Great read, very engaging.

- Just a few little errors here and there. Like _"It still didn't making looking upon *the* what remained of the bodies any easier."_ The bolded word isn't necessary, sounds better without when read aloud. 

- There are definitely hints of fantasy elements lying in this story. Kind of wish they were more than hints. Not to say you should swing a club at the reader's head that has "THIS HAS FANTASTICAL ELEMENTS" written all over it but it could have been woven in without disrupting the flow of the story, I think.


 

tgre: 7/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



ahhhh i wish I could have fit descriptions like these into my stories 

- The sound effects aren't needed, I think. Those can be described in many different ways, one of which you did in that same paragraph actually. It's superfluous and doesn't really add anything to the dialogue. 

- the use of "older" and "younger" constantly was a bit repetitive. 

some substitutes for older: eldest, first-born, senior
younger: adolescent (only if she's actually an adolescent or adolescent in nature), junior, juvenile




Zoroark: 4/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



- "although you couldn't see this as his body was covered in a thick winter jacket." try to avoid using words like "I" or "you" outside of dialogue when writing third person. "you" means you're addressing someone, and in third person, the author isn't addressing the reader at all within the story

- a bit of redundancy like "Then instantly, he abruptly stopped" Either instantly stopping or abruptly stopping, not both smashed together. 

- Kind of wish you described the setting a bit more. I would think that returning to what appears to be his hometown would stir up some find memories or something. All I know is that its cold. It could have taken place in a giant freezer.

- The giant thought paragraph was too big. Could have been condensed into something smaller, with the parts mentioning war distilled all throughout the story. It's bloated and you can certainly trim the fat to make it a smoother read.


 

Paracetamol Boy: 9/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



A stunning read, beautifully written. There was a little stutter ("It stained the lips." Just doesn't roll off the tongue when read out loud) and the ending seemed a bit flat (not the reveal, just the way it was written. It felt bland, compared to the other paragraphs). But besides that, it was wonderful. 




spike shrike: 4/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



- there are a few spelling mistakes: "pray" should be "prey", "weather" should be "whether" and "colegues" would be..."colleges"? That's the word that fits best. 

"Pureness" should also be replaced with "purity", since the former is an adjective and the latter is a noun (which you're treating it as). 

To me, it doesn't really feel like a story, mostly because it's lacking any sort of outside context or setting or plot. Without any real idea or motivation for what the narrator is doing, no climax or a real direction, it just feels like a personified rant, so to speak. Which isn't a bad thing, since a narrator ranting could be a window to his thoughts, but as a standalone? It can't fly.

And you had almost 200 words left over! Sure you could have woven some background into this?


 

smaug: 9/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



wow. truly remarkable stuff. I love the concept and the execution was exceptional. I have nothing to say.


 

kitsune: 6/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



- "This morning I wake up to see a small round pebble on my nightstand found in a field the night before." How did the narrator know it came from a field? Couldn't the pebble have come from anywhere? Or did he find the pebble in a field, and then the same pebble appeared before him in this story? I ask because the narrator is telling a story of his or her own experience, and he only has as much knowledge of the experience has he or she can recall. They could lie, but I don't think this is an unreliable narrator. 

- Why no reactions? It just seems like the narrator just rolls with the punches, and never has any thoughts about what's happening to him. Does he normally go around eating pebbles that tell him to eat them? Does he normally get flattened like a pancake by giant boulders? If these are normal occurrences (whether real or fake), they should be telegraphed through the narrator either through dialogue or emotion. The story has good ideas, but the foundation its built on (the narrator) is shaky.




pan-on: 6/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



there were a couple of run-on sentences, like 



> He turned his gaze to the other two people in the picture, Jill had her long blonde hair tied up for the photo, she had wanted the photo be a success so they had something to look back on when they went their separate ways.



and it kind of stunted the flow of the story. 

Barry feels like he was shoehorned in at the last moment, and just a way for the protagonist to be at that certain place at that certain time. Apparently the place was important enough for them to meet, but what exactly is the place? A classroom, someone's house? It's not quite clear, thus the importance of the location is unknown and the reader is left wondering why they didn't just meet up somewhere more secure.


 

jena: 8/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Wow, that was definitely hilarious. Second time reading through it and it still makes me laugh. Definitely a great read! Though the last line could have been combined with the quote, so the puke is mentioned right after she says the words. Conveys the same thing, but keeps the flow going.




shivers: 7/10


*Spoiler*: __ 





> can't say it wasn't well written, but it was quite verbose. I feel like a lot of what was happening was being dragged down by the enormous amount of imagery you had put together. The reader is so focused on the image, they miss what you were trying to go for in the first place.
> 
> Simpler in this case might have been better.







anony: 5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I liked it. The tone was really great; i can hear the bitterness within the voice of the narrator. Two things:

1) like with spike shrike, I'm not seeing much of a story. It's a bit more defined, at the same time it feels like I'm looking at an excerpt from a story, or a passage from a character's diary, rather than a story. 

2) I'm not sure how this story fits the theme of "return". The best I can think of is the victim wants to return to life? Or to return to a death they are denied. Either it's too subtle or I'm just that dense.


----------



## Laura (Jan 11, 2013)

Yes.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 11, 2013)

I've been honest with these ratings, which means I've been kinda harsh on some people, but I'd like to add as a sort of pre-addendum that anyway who even puts themselves out here like this is pretty awesome. I'm only being critical because I think folks have plenty of potential to get get better. 

Eternity - 3.5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



It's a feeling I'm sure we can all relate to - those moments when time crawls and it seems like what/who you are waiting for will never get there. It's a nice take on the theme. I'm unsure why you have formatted it like this though: just put a space between each paragraph. It's distracting and detracts from the piece's flow. The casual style you use here isn't bad, but there is a weird mixture of levels of cursing that kept taking me out of the piece. We've got "damn" and "goodness" a couple of sentences apart. There were a few key points you kept hitting - it's cold, he really likes her and he's getting more panicked. It feels like on the two former points you just keep telling us this is true - it seems unsubtle and redundant.

There's nothing wrong with telling such a simple story, but you have to have something in the piece that really distinguishes it, justifies it's existence. Not really getting that from this.




Krory - 8/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



This is the extrenal as the internal - what struck me most about this piece was the way that the geography of the man's surroundings echoed his internal struggles. I like that you never felt the need to tell us exactly what had happened or what the man's problem is, instead giving us all the pieces to work it out. With word limits like this, you really need to tell a story through implication, and you get that spot on.

If I was to say there is anything I disliked, it was the way the sentence structure gotta a bit convoluted in the fourth paragraph. The language became a lot more formal, even somewhat academic too, and it took me out of the piece. Things like: "Despite the myriad warnings, he thought himself above the mundane simplicities of logic and facts. " - seems like a jarringly complex way of saying this.

Still, very strong piece.




Tgre - 5.5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



"The leaves crunched noisily as the heavy stampede of feet trampled through the woods." - "noisily" "trampled" "heavy" "stampede"; you've used four evokative words to say the same thing. Rather than emphasis, this kinda of reptition just leads to redundancy. Less is more.

The central concept in here is cool - two always running from something that is never closer or nearer than just behind them, and they are going in a circle. Like the sentence above, much of your outright description of the forest was a bit to on the nose - don't tell us it's ominous, make it feel ominous - but the characters and situation managed to counter-balance that to create a very good sense of location. I don't feel like introducing some sort of macguffin was necesarry or a good idea - either just leave it ambiguous why they are being chased or go into more detail - there's not much we can do with the little hints we get.

The fifth paragraph could use a bit of work - the way the dialogue and text are kinda smooshed together makes everything a bit unclear.




Merry - 8/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I liked that you were able to use the limited space given to you to pay-off an intriguing mystery you set up. Again, very good use of implication, and the restraint you show in trying to describe what the main character is feeling helps us put ourselves more into his shoes. There were some stylistic things that need looked at though - at least once you slip into present tense.

"tracing the loops and turns of the mysterious word that has eluded him so far" - we know that it's mysterious and we get that it's eluded him. To me, this sentence would be a lot stronger if it just read "His long, but delicate finger brushed over the slightly crumpled piece of paper, tracing the loops and turns of the word."

"sending the wooden construction crashing" - why do you need to describe the chair now?  "sending it crashing" would do the same job, whilst reading more smoothly.

Very well constructed piece, with a few niggles stylistically.




Zoroark - 4.5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



You build us a picture brick by brick, constructing the scene carfeully. Not necesarily a bad idea, but at times it gets a little clumsy here. Ideally, when you describe a character, we should learn something about them beyond just what they look like. As far as your main char goes, there's little that's properly distinctive about him. Although you do keep information from the reader at first, there's nothing that we need to know that you don't offer up to us. As readers, it's much more immersive if we feel we're involved and being shown the story, rather than told it.



Paracetemol Boy - 8.5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



It's the details that make this one - I love how you fill the scene with lots of little things. It's a haunting scene, but the way you fill up the world around the protagonist is what makes it so. There are odd little problems early on in the piece ("certain slant" is a distractingly vague description), but as an exercise in style this is very nice. Even more, like style should, it in itself tells the story without ever needing to tell the story.

I liked how this was also an inversion on the theme.




Spike _Shrike - 6.5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



There are some images in here which don't really work. If your whole piece is going to be a metaphor, then it's best to stick with the one image. Things like blockade and drowning muddy the far more effective image of a simple fight.

It took me a moment to get this one, I have to admit, but I really like the idea. It's a very meta use of the theme and despite the odd spelling mistake your style holds up well. The problem is once you get past the metaphor there isn't much else to it. I feel like you were also trying to create a narrative related to the creator, but that never feels realised. More than anything this piece feels like it's both triumphant in it's cleverness, but also limited by it. 




Dr BK - 9/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



...you've done this before, haven't you?

You've got a big, sweeping, heavy style here that you carry off gracefully. Of all the entries,  yours is the one that has the most polish stylistically. With a few chosen images you conjure an incredibly strong sense of surroundings and world. I like how big everything seems in comparison to the people who are the focus of the piece.

There is something kinda impersonal about this, an archness that kind of never really connects - it's more of still image than an implied narrative. Really, that's nitpicking though.




Kitsune - 6/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Surreal, kinda random - there's some nice imagery in here. I like the hourglass line especially. This tidier in style than it is in subject matter, and it never convincing conveys the confusion/horror/comicness of the events being described. There's a passiveness to it that detracts from everything that is happening. The quick shifting of locations doesn't work to create the sense of the world being hazy and shifting, as I suspect you intended, but rather just makes everything a little confusing (in a bad way).



Anon - 6.5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I'm familiar enough with Resident Evil to recognise the names, but not familiar enough to really understand how this piece relates properly.

This certainly is a change of pace for you, and I rather like the twist at the end. I think you too firmly establish Chris and Rebecca, ignoring Jill and Barry for too long. I also think you could be giving us more information, letting us seep more into the world. There are a couple of places where passive voice defeats you, but I do like the fact you don't try and overdo it style-wise. Problem is, you spend most of the piece establishing one bit of information and by the time the end comes it is a little too abrupt.




Jena - 6/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I like what you tried to do here, but it's stretching the theme rather a lot. Hell, the whole fic seems to be stretching - like the spandex across his ass - to try and become more than just a throw-away joke, never quite succeeding. I like your narrative voice, and you get a very decent feel for the character over the piece, and stylistically you don't oversell it. Just seems that you don't do a great job of making it worth writing a whole fic about.



Shivers - 8/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I really like your style a lot here, sharp phrasing and great use of language on the whole narrative fairly well using show don't tell principles. I like that you use sound, too, to try and paint a fuller picture. There's an adjective or two too many in there though, a couple of paragraphs in there get dilluted with images.

When the protagnist is eventually introduced, it is almost as if an afterthought. Stylistically, the change in scope doesn't really work either. Seems like either you should have introduced him earlier or just stuck with the depersonalised approached and used that to tell the whole story. In a piece of such short length, introducing this element late on didn't really work.

Still, this conjured a very strong picture.




The Artist Formerly Known as Damaris - 7/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Funnily enough, stylistically this probably my favourite piece this time around. When you break the rules - that sentence structure - you do so with a lot of panache. There's a mixture of coldness and passion, articulateness and crudeness, that works really well. The imagery ("used erasers that look like clouds") is very nice, and crucially breaks narrative voice.

Not much else to it that I can see though. I'm struggling to grasp any real concept, or idea, or narrative here. This seems like an interesting snippet that needs more context.


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## Eternity (Jan 11, 2013)

I'll post my rating later today or tomorrow. :33


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## Vermin (Jan 11, 2013)

would you guys believe me if i said that i worked on the ending of the story first and gradually filled in the middle


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## Eternity (Jan 11, 2013)

I am not very good at critiques. I might do some larger ones at later contests, but atm, I can say with certainty that I am not to be trusted with bigger critiques just yet. 

Krory - 8.5/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



I liked how you made the fantasy genre a bit more dark and realistic, as opposed to the usual style (that I am used to). Sort of like the GoT series, but making it your own. The feel of it is good, but I feel that it could be even better. Darker. And instead of saying that he is animalisic, you could go make him show it, just slightly, giving him twitches, sudden movements, etc.




Tyrael - 9.3/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Oh goodness me!  I was expecting the person returning the baby to be a crazy guy, but the end made me smirk. Well done. 




ttD - 8/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Love the suspence, and how you used the "Return". In my opinion, it lacked that extra dimention. The key to make me suck into the story and feel like I was running as well. I know that something like that is hard with only 500 words, but that is at least my what I feel about it. 




Merry - 9/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Very well written, but some (well, one) things was odd to me. If she shot herself, how did the note get into her gun wound? Just seems really odd to me.




Zoroark - 4.5/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



A few mistakes here and there. The flow also seemed off to me, but I guess that is something you learn with critiques and feedback. 
I didn't get the feel of who this guy is either. Just that he is a man with a family and that he served in the army or something like that. I liked how you did the moments before they met, it felt natural to me. Like I said, the flow/use of words was a bit off through it all, but how the woman approached him and reacted to his return was good in my opinion.




Para Boy - 8.4/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



The beginning was hard to understand, I was struggling to get into it. But it became better after the first paragraph. I loved how it all had an aerie tone to it. Like something was wrong. And the end revealed what was wrong about it. A good read, methinks.




Spike_Shrike - 6.8/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



A nice piece of text. To me, it seemed like a rant towards a personified writers block. Or some kind of personal demon that hindered your ability to write. I liked it, but the overall feel was sort clich?, or maybe the flow was bad..not sure, it just didn't feel that natural. Or maybe it just reminds me of my own writing, and I am being overly self criticizing. 




Smaug - 9.7/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



I was sucked into the monitor. You play with words like us mortals play with play-doh. Amazing. That's all I can say. Amazing. You have no idea how close I was to give you a 10/10, but looking at it, I felt that it could have been even better. I am far too bad with words to tell you what it is, but you are as close as one could possibly get.




Kitsune - 4/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



For me, the pacing was too fast. I didn't get a good feeling from it, it just seemed rushed. Short sentences with not enough detail. The idea was good though, and I did like it, just too rushed for me to rate higher.




Pan-on - 8/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



I loved your how you reminiscence about the main characters past, I love how it was going, but the end threw me off. 




Jena - 8.7/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Oh, you girls. You like our fine asses, do ya? 




Shivers - 8/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Wow. Not really sure what to think. I am trying not to be skeptical, but did you really write this? It seemed too eloquent to be from someone on a anime forum..

In all seriousness, you could have been better off without some of the more specialized words you used. It was also a bit hard to follow what was happening at the beginning, simply because you used such a heavy language, and stretched sentence build. That said, your pace and flow was brilliant. Stunning, I tell you. Most of the entries I have seen so far has sort of piffled off towards the end, but your end was amazing. Just the right words to wrap it up. The -2 points was mostly because of the heavy language and messy start




Anony - 7.7/10

*Spoiler*: __ 



Hard to find words for this. Death is a popular literary topic, and I think you did a good job. It was a bit clumsy, how you arranged the first half, and I feel like this has been done many times before. You could have done more with it, but that's just me being picky. 

Overall a very good job.


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## Laura (Jan 12, 2013)

Is it too late to review them? I'll read them through now.


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## Krory (Jan 12, 2013)

I hope not, I still need to do mine!


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## Buskuv (Jan 12, 2013)

Oh no.

No no no.

It's not even close to the time for a deadline in the ratings department.  This is our first go, so I'm being kind of lenient on the deadlines (which is why I gave participants 10 days instead of 7 this time); just make sure to get it done before too long.

...says someone who hasn't rated yet.


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## Tyrael (Jan 13, 2013)

Zoroark said:


> would you guys believe me if i said that i worked on the ending of the story first and gradually filled in the middle



That's not even going to be a bad way to do it - as long as you get a good finished product then you can start where you want.

Knowing where you want to end can help for something so short, because you have to be so economical with the story.


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## tgre (Jan 13, 2013)

really sorry folks, I've had RL kick me in the face with steel-tipped boots over the past few days so I've been kinda busy

expect my ratings to be up within the next day or so, still lots of stuff to sort out.


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## Laura (Jan 13, 2013)

How did most of you grade them? Some of the grades appear to be very precise with the decimal points.


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## Eternity (Jan 13, 2013)

Tried to be detailed with some, but then I got lazy with others.


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## Shivers (Jan 13, 2013)

Ratings:

Eternity: 3/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I have a feeling you're relatively new to the language. Something was _off_ about all the colloquialisms, metaphors, everything: 'Stupid human hands, it says, you don’t belong here. Go back to the depths of the grottos of your gloves.'; 'Like a sea-sick hyena after a zebra meal'. Phrases like that.




Tyrael: 6/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I liked it. The concept was...cheeky  But turns of phrase here and there were clunky and pedestrian, like:
'He was the sort of guy that would need to have a go at someone when angry, so just chose the nearest person. This was her first week on the job though, so maybe he was just having a bad week.' 




Krory: 5.5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I thought the vocabulary interfered with the flow. 'He told himself it was a perfectly reasonable rationalization.' is a mild example. 'Despite the myriad warnings, he thought himself above the mundane simplicities of logic and facts. ' is another.

I think something about it felt too...summarised. It was obvious that the character's latest relapse was just one in an ongoing cycle of abuse of power followed by massacres. Consequently, trying to fit an overview of his condition into 500 words hampered the portrayal, for me. I think it might've been better to do something more immediate: follow him in real-time for five minutes after waking up and seeing his handiwork, something like that.




tGre teh Disleksik: 5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Pieces of writing, for me, rise and fall on the strength of their expression, so this phrase ' Her hair tousled beyond any repair one shower with shampoo and conditioner could hope to effect.' bothered me somewhat. The identification of the two with 'the younger sister' or 'the older one' got kind of annoying, too.




Mist Puppet: 7.5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I liked this. It pulled me in. But consequently what hampered it were sentences which stuck out for whatever reason. Possible because they didn't seem natural, I think: 'they were pushed out in place of darker, more primal thoughts.' seemed a little ridiculous. Calling a chair 'the wooden construction', in another instance.




Zoroark: 4/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



The language was too simplistic for my liking. It also tended to slip between past and present tense oddly: 'The woman examined him carefully; she touched his cheek and looked him up and down studying his physical features. After a few minutes the woman stops and looks him straight in the eye.' And the exploration of everyone's reactions to his homecoming was too cursory for me.




Paracetamol Boy: 9/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I _really_ liked it.




Spike_Shrike: 3.5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I see what you were going for, but it could've been better executed. Too many rhetorical questions, too much melodrama.




Dr. Boskov Krevorkian: 8/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Reminded me a little of Malazan, and I like Malazan.




Kitsune: 6.5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Really running out of substantive things to say at this point. Well, I liked it. But the language could live up to the concept more than it did: 'I can see my legs being crushed below but cannot feel a thing. When the motherstone rolls off me I’m completely flattened like a paper doll but still alive.', for example. 'Re-materialize' and 'reconstruct' aren't words I'd use at the end.




Pan-on: 5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Can't think of much to say here, sorry.




Jena: 8/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Ha, I liked it.




Anony34125: 6.5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



The second person address seemed a little forced.


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## Tyrael (Jan 13, 2013)

My ratings are now complete. W00p W00p.


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## Eternity (Jan 13, 2013)

Shivers said:


> Ratings:
> 
> Eternity: 3/10
> 
> ...



'Not new, but english is my second langauge. Though the sea sick hyena is from the movie "Life of Pi", and the other one i made up myself. I think the reason you saw it as 'off' is because it's new.


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## Tyrael (Jan 13, 2013)

To be fair, I did like the hyena metaphor. I see what you were trying to do with the "human hand" one, but drawing attention to the fact that he was human seemed to suggest that there was an alternative, which really felt out of place and weird.


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## Eternity (Jan 13, 2013)

Yeah, I could have done the hand metaphor a lot better.


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## Krory (Jan 13, 2013)

I personally liked the human hand thing. I read it as the cold wind being the one, in a metaphorical sense, to say such a thing so it felt like it made sense in that context. But I'm weird like that.

The feedback I've received has convinced me that my weakest element is actually portraying _anything_.  It really feels like the points I was trying to make I failed miserably at. For example, it was not a "cycle" or "latest relapse" thing as the impression Shivers got - it was a single, solitary event that had happened years ago. The repetitive bit was him going back to the scene every time (and the beast watching from afar every time). And as per Eternity's, it was about questioning whether the beast was animalistic or not.

Now I know what I really need to work on, though - to be better at showing, make things more concise. Thanks to everyone that provided feedback thus far.

I'll be doing mine soon, hopefully.


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## Eternity (Jan 13, 2013)

Well, that means I am doing something right. 

You are absolutly right about the hands. I was going for a personified wind kind of thing 

I'll have to work with my flow though, as it seems I tend to ruin it for myself sometimes with my mediocre english litterature skills. (I now see just how bad my english teachers at primary school really was. ), but I believe I have gotten really far for someone with only primary school english (and very limited actual grammar in high school english classes). But I am still someone that can fall victim to the the dreadful "don't discuss with an idot, cause he will drag you down to his level and win with experience" idiom (hot damn, I got the right word I was looking for (idiom) at first try ) that so often happens with people not 100% confident in their skills.  (Meaning I tend to pick up bad grammar sometimes)

EDIT: Though now that I have read a bit more on idioms, I might be wrong.


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## Buskuv (Jan 13, 2013)

I'm glad it's working well for everyone.  That's honestly what it's about.

I'm far too florid most of the time, and I can't really write characters for a damn; I also abuse the shit out of semi colons.


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## Eternity (Jan 13, 2013)

I tend to avoid semi colons if I can. It does give another dimention to some texts, but it's so damn hard to know when to use. 

From what I have heard, you use it when you need a break, like a period, but you are still kinda talking about the same thing, so you add another sentence to the sentence. So somewhere in between comma and period. Is that about right?


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## Krory (Jan 13, 2013)

I just use a semicolon where I think it looks cool.


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## Buskuv (Jan 13, 2013)

Eternity said:


> I tend to avoid semi colons if I can. It does give another dimention to some texts, but it's so damn hard to know when to use.
> 
> From what I have heard, you use it when you need a break, like a period, but you are still kinda talking about the same thing, so you add another sentence to the sentence. So somewhere in between comma and period. Is that about right?



There is no part of English grammar that requires the use of a semi colon.  It is entirely optional.  Grammatically speaking, I believe, it can be used to separate two complete sentences that are joined by a common idea or theme, as well as separating items in a list.  For example:

He had everything:  the attention of all the girls; the attention of all the media outlets; and the attention of the person you'd least want.

And so on and so forth.


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## Eternity (Jan 13, 2013)

Well then, ill just use it as I have learned then.


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## Shivers (Jan 13, 2013)

Krory said:
			
		

> It really feels like the points I was trying to make I failed miserably at. For example, it was not a "cycle" or "latest relapse" thing as the impression Shivers got - it was a single, solitary event that had happened years ago. The repetitive bit was him going back to the scene every time (and the beast watching from afar every time).



Oh...

Actually, going back and reading with that already understood, I now _get it_ a lot better.

This part:



> *Alisdair had no idea what went through the beast's mind when it finally tore through the opening* that he himself had ripped wider and wider with each unadulterated indulgence. Was it as terrified as the humans that first saw it? Did it react out of fear? Or was it simply just something so malevolent that it didn't care for something so frail, so insubstantial as humanity. Was it animalistic instinct or willful sentience?
> 
> He asked the same questions every year. The answers never got any easier to come by.



I read as if it was in the present...I don't know what the name of the tense I'm thinking of is. I read it as though it was an ongoing thing, basically. That the beast did this every year.

And as a consequence, the last sentence there reinforced my notion that this was a repeating event.


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## Krory (Jan 13, 2013)

I could've done a lot better to try and portray what I was trying to get across. I like to try and excuse it with inane things like how I wrote it 2-3am in the morning while sleep-deprived (then again, that's how I do all of my major writing, whether it be tl;dr posts or stuff like this - even though this is the first time in a few years I did something creative). Or how I didn't edit because if I looked at it again I would've become insecure and not submitted it.  But it's true, things could have been worded a lot better - this is not the first (nor will it likely be the last) time it occurs with my rambling writing.

And it really didn't help that the whole thing was a part of a much larger project that unraveled itself in my mind. So I really did try to cram too much into so small of an opportunity.


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## Mist Puppet (Jan 13, 2013)

WOODEN CONSTRUCTION

those two words will haunt me in my sleep


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## Krory (Jan 13, 2013)

Do you by chance sleep in a... *WOODEN CONSTRUCTION*?


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## Shivers (Jan 13, 2013)

My ratings are getting disproportionate amounts of scrutiny.


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## Krory (Jan 13, 2013)

You should've just given everyone a 10 and called it a night.


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## Buskuv (Jan 13, 2013)

Everyone gets a zero from me.


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## Demetrius (Jan 13, 2013)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Everyone gets a zero from me.


no

i wasted 5 minutes of my precious time and could've well been on my way to a vacation to france or a beach reserve, but instead i ended up typing up numbers that seemed convenient and spiffy

you do not get an easy way out of this mr boskov kornvakian

@ eternity - _groan_


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## Buskuv (Jan 13, 2013)

Such is the nature of the universe.

I'll have them up soon.

Hushhush.


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## Krory (Jan 13, 2013)

We all know Trinity just threw up random numbers.


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## Shivers (Jan 13, 2013)

I sort of wanted to do your eclectic, Pitchfork-y ratings style, Trinity, but I pussied out and so my only decimals were halves. Welp.


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## Buskuv (Jan 13, 2013)

No. 

No pitchfork ratings.  

Please god, nothing related to pitchfork media.

8.9 BNFF


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## Demetrius (Jan 13, 2013)

hey princess/eternity, you're hopefully the only one that requests a groan from me

i'll do your review sometime later on



			
				the flu said:
			
		

> I sort of wanted to do your eclectic, Pitchfork-y ratings style,  Trinity, but I pussied out and so my only decimals were halves. Welp.


you try to prepare for satan hibernating in your vagina for a week



			
				corn said:
			
		

> We all know Trinity just threw up random numbers.


you know me all too well


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## Krory (Jan 13, 2013)

Trufax - Trinity didn't even read any of the FlashFictions.

She had someone else read them for her and stole their mind.

On a serious note, I would've requested a review from you, Trinity, but then I realized we're all going to die anyway.


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## Buskuv (Jan 14, 2013)

Eternity - 

*Spoiler*: __ 




Simplicity is something a lot writers avoid because of unjustified stigmas associated with it; we're often led to believe that complexity is an inherent quality of... well, quality.  It's not.   A simple story can be effective--and indeed, many of the most powerful and iconic parables and stories are simple, short.  It's also something very hard to do in an effective way.

Your story is (mostly) relatable , but told in a way that was easy to call from the beginning--again not a bad thing by itself, but, honestly, the story is lackadaisical.  It's tried, but not really true.  I think you might have had something with the timestamps.  It could be used to do something interesting, given the right subject matter.    I won't hold much against you grammatically--I really should, but I know English isn't your first language.   It won't really affect your score, but that's tertiary. 

There are several misspelled words, however, and a lot of grammatical mistakes.  If you don't correct them now it will become a habit.  In your entry, it often made it hard to follow.

3/10




Tyrael -


*Spoiler*: __ 



I laughed.

 It has a very... 60s sci-fi short feel to it, maybe something Vonnegut would dream up, but probably dressed up in a lot of social commentary.   The concept is pretty great, and unexpected, and that does a lot for the piece.  The beginning starts with a nice hook.  However, it gets a little stutter with the paragraphs, and begins to drag while it seems like you're unsure where you might be going.  It's probably intentional, and part of the set up for the reveal, but it's not as convincing as it could be.  

"'I want to return a baby.' The woman held up a baby."  

I get it; I think I understand why, but I don't like it.  It feels wrong and feels like clutterin the paragraph, which brings me back to my feeling that it doesn't... flow, well.  There's the intro, the middle, and the end, and even though they are literally and thematically related, they feel apart.  

6.5/10




Krory - 


*Spoiler*: __ 



Commas are nice.   You know what they are, how they happen and what to with them, but sometimes they just aren't necessary.  The first couple of sentences have that problem--as do many other sentences later in the piece.  This is more technical nitpick, but stylisticly it does lead to some choppiness in your sentences; if you want a thematic pause, something like a dash would work better.

"Every passing year, [PAUSE] it became increasingly difficult for Alisdair to see the result of his misdeeds."

It chops the sentences, almost like a stumble.  

Also, this one:

"When he chose to trade one addiction for another, lose himself in the hopessly numbing effects of alcohol and the empty promises of mind-altering drugs and the apothecaries and alchemists that peddled their wares, he liked to blame his mistake upon ignorance." 

Reads weird while still being technically correct.  I think it needs a little sprucing, but that's just me personally.

I'm a sucker for fantasy, so I enjoy this type of setting.  It leaves enough outside of literal explanation to hold an interest for further reading without being hard to follow.   Though I'm not sure why, but I wasn't really hooked; I feel you lead us right back to where we needed to be, rather than leaving us up for more.  I feel you could have expanded more to drag us in.   You've got a lot of nice internal conflict, though, and I like that.

6/10




tiGre -


*Spoiler*: __ 



I really liked the start of this one.  It's a nice, simple hook to a short story that's effective if you have a good follow up--and you mostly do.  However, my biggest issue is... well, to put it bluntly a lot of the language is bland.  It's filled with a lot of cliches that seem almost dated, in a sense; something that doesn't really belong.  Things like:

"She looked like she had been running a marathon..."

It's about showing rather than telling.   We know she's been running hard, ragged.  Show us that she is, rather than stating that she is.  "She ran, her lungs clawing desperately at any air it could take, her face a haggard canvas of dirt and sweat..."  Not that that's a particularly good sentence, but it says "she was running hard" without actually saying "she was running hard."

There are some grammatical errors, mostly common ones.  

This paragraph in particular: 

"The younger sister started to sob uncontrollably between steps, terror flooded her every fibre. She didn't understand why she was running but then again, she didn't want to nor need to. All she had to know is that if she stopped, terrible things would happen- terrible things far worse than death."  

Is a bad offender, and sums up a lot of my problems.  There are some grammatical mistakes--the first sentence could use a dash or semi color rather than a comma.  Comma mistakes are slimy bastards, hard to catch.  The last sentence is really cliche; you're a creative guy, and I know this, so it's weird to see something so... really, really overused in your entry.   

Like I said, I was enamored in the begining.  You had that hook, for me, in me the moment I started, but it felt a little dull as it went on.   The concept is great, as are your ideas, and I can see where you're going, but it didn't grab me.

5/10




Mist Puppet - 


*Spoiler*: __ 



Double suicide.  I like it.  Maybe.

Stylistically it works really well; you have a short space and you make use of it, and it's not terribly confusing or jumbled.  My biggest complains are mostly structure related.  A lot of the sentences seem held down by unnecessary words and phrases.

"He could only see his wifes head under the murky depths of blood and water that resided there."

We have a pretty good idea of where it resides.  We probably don't need to be reminded that it is residing.  There are a few others like that, where the sentences are grammatically correct and aren't necessarily bad... but could have some of the fat trimmed.

Also, how did a woman who shot herself in the head place a rolled up note in the bullet wound?



8/10




Zoroark - 


*Spoiler*: __ 



I have some hangups. 

Like I said in Eternity's review (JK I KNOW YOU'RE ALL ONLY READING YOUR OWN REVIEWS), there's nothing wrong with telling a simple, relatable story, but it has to be engaging.  Most literature is about really common, everyday occurences that we can all understand and empathize with.  However, it's all in the delivery.

There some consistent grammar mistakes.  Nothing egregious, mostly just poorly placed commas and awkward sentences, but they begin to bog things down as they keep appearing.

Despite it being such a dramatic scene, it didn't reel emotional.  I don't think the wall of text as a thought bubble works well--people don't think like that, and it takes up a lot of your word count.   I understand it's supposed to imply internal conflict and so on, and it's obvious that he would, but it feels like a monologue from a book, which is what you want to avoid in such a scenario.

I'm trying not to sound this harsh, because it's a functional piece and has some potential to work well, but I think you missed it.  

4/10




Paracetamol Boy - 


*Spoiler*: __ 



Damn.

That worked really well.  Stylistically I really enjoyed it, and the exchange was great.  In fact, it was so great it was kind of disappointing to see the words "you had passed away."  Not because that s/he had died (omg ;_ but that it was set up well enough that we didn't need to be told that s/he had died; it was implied so well that it was kind of a stylistic stumble, for me, to see it printed so plainly.  It's not untread ground, conceptually, so it wasn't hard to guess, but you made it convincing.

It's kind of a petty complaint, but for something set up so well it was a little bit of a buzzkill.  Your working was lovely, pacing was great and your diction wasn't overly florid and yet didn't retain an amateur quality to it.  

There are some minor grammar issues for me, mostly really picky 'holy shit really?' levels, but nothing that would really drag anything down.  

Fantastic.

8.5




_Continued in the next post._


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 14, 2013)

Shrike Spike


*Spoiler*: __ 



Not unfamiliar.

It has problems.  The biggest of which, however, is that it doesn't feel like much more than a scrap of writing--a blurb or an exercise rather than a conceptual piece of... anything.   I've written many things like this, so I know what they are... at least for me. 

There are a lot of spelling mistakes; I'm not normally too big on this, but it's fairly bad and becomes distracting.  If you're going for the PUNCTUATED feel, each small sentence being a strong statement, they have to be strong.  A lot of them aren't.  There are also way too many commas in there; some highschool student is probably wondering where all his went.   I can also dig the colloquial style of writing--it can lend spice and personality to a piece, but it needs to be... well documented.  It sound silly, but you need to properly capitalize, apostrophe and contract your slang, otherwise it looks really amateurish.  

It has spirit.  And I don't mean that facetiously.  I mean it honestly.  Such feelings are not foreign to me, neither is such a thought process, but you need to practice on you delivery.  There's no requirement to use the 500 words, but it does make it easier.

2.5./10




Kitsune -


*Spoiler*: __ 



Cocaine is one hell of a drug.

Just kidding.  It has that fever dream quality I'm certain you were aiming for, but it feels a little... quick?  It's a vivid, bizarre sequence that almost feels like a piece of something larger, but unrelated, and in a way that makes the story seem like an aside.    The narrator seems almost too passive, as if s/he is there mostly to report on what is happening for the reader, rather than being an active part of a really bizarre and somewhat frightening dream.  That might have been intentional, but it doesn't translate well.

"A woman's voice loudly cuts through the quiet."

It's in present tense, while the rest is in past tense.  Kind of caused me to reread it, cutting the flow of the story.

No real grammar mistakes aside from this, though I think you're competent enough to be more creative and brave with your sentence structure--again, not that simple is bad, but variety does wonders for a story, especially in the story department.

6/10




Pan-on -


*Spoiler*: __ 



Our zombie future?!???!?!??!  Or Resident Evil fan fiction?

It may be due to your tired eyes, but there are a lot of grammatical mistakes.  Not overt ones, but lots of awkward phrases and sentences due to comma splices and just generally incorrect uses of the comma; some too few, some too many.    It's distracting.  I think another pass at it while you're awake (or sober, I dunno) would probably point them out, so I'm not going to be pedantic and dickish.   I'm really not.  

It works to a nice ending, but it feels a little slow, a little disjointed.  Barry feels like he was added to fill the RE character quota, and while it was cool to see all the names from games I enjoy, it doesn't quite work well in the writing.  Feels tacked on, and nothing is developed.  The ending was pretty good, but the build up wasn't there.  I know you're capable of quite a bit, so it seems out of place for you--but you're better than I am at trying other things, this much is certain.

5.5




Jena - 


*Spoiler*: __ 



We rarely get humor in the FF.  And it's a lot more difficult to do, effectively, as is pretty evident by a lot of humor writing and 'funny' literature.  But I'm not seeing the theme much, and while it is amusing, it's also a stretch... a large one.     It reads really well, and there's not any grammar I can see that would be problematic; it's all there, sound and interesting variety of sentence structure and size.

It's funny.  But not much else, I'm afraid.  We DO have to grade based on the theme, and it's honestly not even there, at least in the literal sense, and I have to take that into account.  It has a nice slice of life feel to it, almost a little like a semi-autobiographical feel to it, something you'd read in a humorous anecdote written by a celebrity or something, but actually funny and well written.  

We do appreciate the less srs bsns, though.

4.5/10




Shivers


*Spoiler*: __ 



Wunderbar!

Only one thing I can pick at for grammar.  The sentence:

"For the first time in decades, there was movement, which prompted actions resembling a long-comatose old man rising on shaking, atrophied muscles."

Doesn't need the first two commas.  Obviously it reads awkwardly, but you probably know.  I'm just nit picking because I hate commas.

Wonderful imagery and diction, if possibly a little tedious at time (if anyone is to the pot or kettle about this it's me, so don't take it the wrong way), though I was honestly more interested in the beginings than the ending--a wonderful series of images and scenery, but then the the main character (?) feels almost like an obligation of the theme, rather than an integral part of it, diminishing some of the power of the previous paragraphs.  

It's nothing more or less standard tha most of the entries, but it does take away somewhat from the whole series.  Otherwise, one of my favorite entries.

8/10




Anony234645434245464743214


*Spoiler*: __ 



What a budding serial killer!

Aside, probably the best style of all of the entries.  Bursting with personality and colloquial fire, I loved that, and didn't find any particular part to drag or wallow unnecessarily.  You proved you are not obligated to come within 10 of 500 to be effective.   There's nothing to complain about grammatically, because you're clearly adroit enough to write in such a style while being perfectly aware of what rules you are breaking.  There are a lot of fantastic sentences here, some of the best ones in the contest.

However, it feels directionless.  I'm not feeling the any themes or ideas presented other than wonderful prose, something belonging to a much larger picture, and not in the best way.  I'm compelled, but it mostly feels self contained without actually reaching any conclusion or idea.   

You did it well, but mostly outside the mark.

7.5




Ok fo' srs, don't hate me or take it personally.

You're all lovely people and I'm glad you guys are participating, and the last thing I want is to scare you away, but I like to see people improve, and I'm being as honest as possible.

Not that my pedantic bullshit is particularly better than anyone else's.


----------



## Krory (Jan 14, 2013)

The ratings for mine are just all over the place.


----------



## Krory (Jan 14, 2013)

Maybe I was too lenient with some of mine? I don't know. Not finished yet though, but here's what I got so far. I apologize beforehand for the poor writing of my reviews and don't hate me. plz.

*Eternity* - 6/10
*Spoiler*: __ 



The recurring time-stamp element was interesting but as dropped less than halfway through, despite being used thrice, it become somewhat perturbing to see it go. The use of sound-effects was distracting in light of how much you relied on analogies and metaphors prior to that moment. It makes me think that I'm sure you could have come up with something had you tried (though perhaps at the sacrifice of something else, considering our limitations here). Unlike most people, I liked the "stupid human hands" tidbit. You already know my feelings on it due to my comments in this thread. Perhaps it's my own nature but I found the usage of "jack squat" to be more comedic than anything. Not sure if that's what you meant. I'm a harsh person when it comes to language sometimes, so I would have preferred just going for broke and saying "jack shit" if you wanted to go that route. As has been mentioned before, there are grammatical issues that need to be worked on but understandable considering English isn't your first language. You have more of an excuse than I do, that's for certain.

Overall, the story didn't interest me much but that is more of a personal preference. I agree with the sentiment about some of your analogies (even though I liked the cold wind one), such as the sea-sick hyena and the stomach demons. It seemed very bizarre to me, though at least with the latter I knew what you were going with. The last couple sentences were a mixed bag with me.



> And then I see her. I feel like a kid, falling in love for the very first time again.



It was borderline trite but at the same time it worked and it was a nice notion. But in my opinion it was cheapened by the continued typicality of portraying those emotions.



> Still cant believe she chose me.



Or maybe I'm just jaded and bitter. Who knows?

Unlike how I feel about myself, I think you can definitely improve. I believe you have the makings of something better. I hope you intend to keep participating.





*Tyrael* - 7.5/10
*Spoiler*: __ 



The subject matter was extremely entertaining even though it became heavily distracting with some grammatical things (even though I don't have room to speak on such). I found the use of single-quotes (my fancy way of saying apostrophes here) extremely... well, distracting. For some reason - and it might just be me here - the short bit involving Sophie's mother informing her about the working world just seemed out of place when considered with the context of the rest of the story. A personal opinion, I think it would have ended extremely better sans that last line. I can't quite put my finger on what bothers me about it. Certainly not the use of profanity, as I'm all for that. I just think with the whole scenario, seeing the event end with the chorus of groaning and muttering from a group of embittered babies would just be the bee's knees.





*Krory* - -100/10. No dicks.


*Mr. Disleksik* - 6.5/10
*Spoiler*: __ 



I'll just get it out of the way and agree with previous sentiments about the repeated use of "younger" and "older" in reference to the two characters. It did become very disorienting as it went on. There are a lot of questions raised, as is typically the case with tales like this, but admittedly most of them didn't come to me until after the fact. I think that says to me that despite your faults, you managed to capture my mind enough in what was actually happening. Although I found the repetitive descriptions mildly frustrating, I did become genuinely interested in seeing what was going to happen next. A couple awkward things for me were...



> So soft that _only they_ could hear them.



The italicized emphasis you used hurt more than it helped. With the way you structured anything, I think a reader would be able to appropriately apply any necessary emphasis as they read it to themselves. Instead I found myself desperately trying to read this sentence over and over trying to find the right way to get it out rather than just letting my brain do its natural thing. 



> It will always be never that far behind...



The wording of this sentence also confused me. And finally...



> It wasnt _a_ cave it was _the_ cave, the one which they had run away from.



I feel the first part of this was unnecessary. With how the end of the last section ("Up ahead was a cave."), it felt repetitive. I'm sure it could be rearranged in someway to suit the story-telling better.

Although I get oh-so-tired of every horror or horror-esque story ending with a kick in the ass to the protags, I enjoyed how this one ended. Maybe it's because there was no real attachment to the characters and the older sibling was asking for it, I swear to God.





*Mist Puppet* - 7/10
*Spoiler*: __ 



I'm going to continue to exemplify my stupidity and admit that first time, I didn't realize that it was a double-suicide. I also still have my doubts about the wife committing suicide due to the gun being in her hand still (maybe I watch too much Law & Order?) and how there somehow was a note inside the wound. Unless there was some very unique shit going on with packing paper into the barrel but I doubt that would have worked. I have to admit that the repeated use of "Return" in the beginning was not something that appealed to me. I don't think it was really needed, it didn't help anything from my perspective. Part of me also wants to question how the scent of blood is familiar to the character, aside from perhaps any kind of scent from the previous scene I guess. Overall, it was interesting but perplexing and I still think something strange afoot. I call conspiracy.





*Zoroark* - 4/10
*Spoiler*: __ 



A novel idea. Unfortunately (and this is just my opinion), very little of the writing outside of the first paragraph felt like it grabbed me. His internal monologue came across is more frustrating than anything. It dragged on unnecessarily so. Perhaps if the build up to meeting his family again had taken longer, it would have been better suited being split up between different paragraphs and the likes. But as it is it just feels sluggish to me. For what should really be a strong, emotional moment it seems very flat and bland in the end. I think if you cut down that monologue, you might have been able to expand this a bit more and really give it some life. It's not the most awful thing ever written (trust me, we can smell our own), but you just need to sort out some priorities. That's just my opinion, though. I hope this doesn't dissuade you from participating again, I'd like to see you give it more.





*Mary/P-Boy and J* - 9/10
*Spoiler*: __ 



At the risk of sounding like a suck-up, I did kind of struggle to find something that bothered me with this just so I wasn't _that guy_ that gave someone a 10/10. The latter part of the second sentence perplexed me a little bit.



> It was midnight and I was on something, *for that low buzzing*.



Or maybe I'm just dumb.

Overall, there's really not much I can critique or criticize here. I would advise you to just glaze over what I have to say. There's possibly grammatical issues I'm overlooking here and I'm sure there are people here that could better point those out to you. It was a really great read. I hesitate to use some of the following terminology, but it was just genuinely phenomenal to me and the entire tale was absolutely heart-wrenching in a way that was very beautiful. It was so dismally sad in the end but the journey there was so fantastically written it made it hard for me to hold that against it. I hate myself a little bit to put it like this, but it's the only way I can right now.

I'm sorry I can't really can't be more judgmental.





*Spike Shrike* - 3.5/10
*Spoiler*: __ 



Oh-ho-ho. I see what you did there.

I hate to cop-out and refer to someone else's review, but I think Boskov really perfectly states my feelings on the piece. Anything I have to say against this has already been said better by him, so I just direct you to his critique as I feel the same way. What I will say (in an attempt to soften what must seem like a blow) is I appreciate the sentiment of what your work stands for. I think this is something every person in this thread that fancies themselves a writer of any degree can relate to. Call it what you will - soul, heart, passion - you definitely have it. I really hope to see you utilize this again next time around, only in a better context.





*Paging Dr. Krevorkian* - 9.5/10
*Spoiler*: __ 



For the second time in these reviews I'll come across as completely pandering to the point of embarrassment. This was just absolutely fantastic for me. This is the level of writing I would love to read more in fantasy and science fiction. So often I come across work that relies too heavily on the Lovecraftian level of adjective usage and overbearing description that weighs down on me and really just makes me feel like the dumbest person on the planet when I see a word I don't know or understand. Your work steps above all that and uses the space to move forward instead of those bursts of focus. There's still a strong degree of description in this but none of it feels drawn out or unnecessary. It's like you don't feel the need to go into deeper detail because you just nail everything perfectly the first time around.

Much like with Mary's, I find it hard to focus too much on the grammatical - if there is really anything there - because the whole affair was so deeply engaging that every time I read it again, I just get kind of absorbed in it. Not to mention as evidenced by my work, I'm not the best judge of grammar anyway. I only say a 9.5 because there is likely something I'm just overlooking and, suffice it to say, the contest aspect of this is just _so not fair_ with you around. 

Again, as I said with Mary, I feel really bad I can't really do anything to help you improve if you feel that you need to. You just make me feel too mad-jelly.




Still need to rock the worlds of:

*Kitsy*
*Pan-on*
*JeffxAnnieJena*
*Shivers*
*AnonyNumbers*


----------



## Laura (Jan 14, 2013)

I'll start reading through them all in the next half hour.


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## Tyrael (Jan 14, 2013)

Krory said:


> Maybe I was too lenient with some of mine? I don't know. Not finished yet though, but here's what I got so far. I apologize beforehand for the poor writing of my reviews and don't hate me. plz.



Be as lenient or harsh as you feel the pieces deserve - if you feel a piece warrants a 10/10, give them that. Certainly, no need to feel any need to conform to the way other people have been rating or that there is some sort of unspoken etiquette when it comes to what score you should give people.


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## Laura (Jan 14, 2013)

When I do; I'll take into account correct grammar and spelling, the originality of the story, the quality of the storyline. Also; intelligent references, witticisms and philological humour will be appreciated.


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## Krory (Jan 14, 2013)

Tyrael said:


> Be as lenient or harsh as you feel the pieces deserve - if you feel a piece warrants a 10/10, give them that. Certainly, no need to feel any need to conform to the way other people have been rating or that there is some sort of unspoken etiquette when it comes to what score you should give people.



I get too paranoid. About everything. I start thinking people think lowly of me or hate me because my work is sub-par, making me sub-human, and then I start thinking people think lower of my opinions because of that so anything I say just seems spiteful and then I just look like an ape on display and no one will throw me a damn banana.

I know that's not really the case (at least I hope not). Just a very irrational paranoia I can't control. 



Laura said:


> When I do; I'll take into account correct grammar and spelling,



Oh God.



> the originality of the story, the quality of the storyline.



Oh God!



> Also; intelligent references,



OH GOD!



> witticisms and philological humour will be appreciated.



*OH GOD!*


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## Tyrael (Jan 14, 2013)

Laura said:


> When I do; I'll take into account correct grammar and spelling, the originality of the story, the quality of the storyline. Also; intelligent references, witticisms and philological humour will be appreciated.



I thought it was agreed a few pages ago that we were rating based on the amount of penises in any of the given flash fics? 



Krory said:


> I get too paranoid. About everything. I start thinking people think lowly of me or hate me because my work is sub-par, making me sub-human, and then I start thinking people think lower of my opinions because of that so anything I say just seems spiteful and then I just look like an ape on display and no one will throw me a damn banana.
> 
> I know that's not really the case (at least I hope not). Just a very irrational paranoia I can't control.



I've a lot of respect for anyone who puts something creative out there, no matter of what quality. It's difficult, it's like you're putting a part of yourself out there to be judged. Takes a hell of a lot of courage.


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## Laura (Jan 14, 2013)

Well that too.


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## Krory (Jan 14, 2013)

Again: KNEW I should've had more dicks.


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## Tyrael (Jan 14, 2013)

I find myself really tempted to go back to my piece and rename all of the characters Richard.


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## Buskuv (Jan 14, 2013)

It takes a lot of courage to put out a creative works solely to be judged.  That's why...































you're all winners.


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## Eternity (Jan 14, 2013)

I didn't think my grammar was bad though.  I know it's not perfect, but bad?


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## Buskuv (Jan 14, 2013)

Don't take it personally.  >_>

It's not so bad as to be unreadable, but it has a lot of simple, amateur mistakes.  It's mostly obvious mistakes that can be corrected with revisions and editing, but it should be noted.


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## Eternity (Jan 14, 2013)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Don't take it personally.  >_>
> 
> It's not so bad as to be unreadable, but it has a lot of simple, amateur mistakes.  It's mostly obvious mistakes that can be corrected with revisions and editing, but it should be noted.



I see, could you show me a few examples, so I know what to look out for?


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## Buskuv (Jan 14, 2013)

Eternity said:


> I see, could you show me a few examples, so I know what to look out for?



Alright.

"Being anxious is already paste tense at this point."  

"Goodness, what is taking her so long."

"My own glove is blown into with the heat of my lungs, warming the insides before I tread it into the hand holding my phone. "

All of those have a pretty glaring problem, though not all the same.  Misspelled words, misused words and odd sentences, a long with some punctuation issues. A lot of the sentences are jarring, even if you were going for a 'train of thought' type of writing.

It's easy to see other writers throwing every rule out the window when they write, but they know all the rules, and know how to break them properly, if that makes any sense.


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## Eternity (Jan 14, 2013)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Alright.
> 
> "Being anxious is already paste tense at this point."
> 
> ...



Paste --> Past

. --> ?

That's the mistakes I see in the first two sentences. And while the third one, from my point of view is badly built, is there any grammatical error in that one? 

EDIT: Is the "Goodness" something I should have left out too?


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## Damaris (Jan 14, 2013)

if anyone ever worries they're being too harsh don't worry i'm here to make you look kind as a summer's day

reviews up shortly, once i summon enough hellfire for the ritual


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## Krory (Jan 14, 2013)

Times Krory has refreshed this page in the past hour waiting to see if Laura posted yet: 71.


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## Laura (Jan 14, 2013)

I'm still reviewing!! Give me more time!!


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## Laura (Jan 14, 2013)

I'll release the first 3 early because Krory is so anxious to see the review. I'm still writing up the others. 

Eternity= 6 
*Spoiler*: __ 




*Spoiler*: _Scoring_ 



Quality of language used (grammar, spelling, etc.): 2/4

Quality of story line: 6/10

Relevance to topic: 3/4

Flow of story: 3/3

Flair/Pinache: 1/4

Average: 6/10




The main thing that you need to work on is your spelling and grammar. With future submissions, you're welcome to send them to me ahead of time and I will go through and edit it for you. (if that's allowed) 

The story was okay, I'm afraid I didn't find it very interesting. It was overall quite predictable and ordinary. It was, however, relevant to the topic. The general flow was fine for a fiction this size, the story was believable and easy to follow.





Tyrael= 7.6 
*Spoiler*: __ 




*Spoiler*: _Scoring_ 



Quality of language used (grammar, spelling, etc.): 3/4

Quality of story line: 7/10

Relevance to topic: 3/4

Flow of story: 2/3

Flair/Pinache: 4/4

Average: 7.6/10




I liked the plot twist a lot, that's the kind of thing I'm looking for when grading the flair of the story.  It's something that makes it stands out from the rest, keep it up. There was the occasional typo and misuse of grammar, so make sure that you check your stories thoroughly each time.

The content was good,  and the story was entertaining was entertaining. However, I found the flow of the story to be a bit awkward. The was a rather slow build up and a sudden end right after the climax. I understand that you wanted to finish with a punchline, but there was a little too much description filling up most of the story. Perhaps try not to go into so much detail while setting the scene in future, it is a short story after all. 






Krory= 5.6 
*Spoiler*: __ 




*Spoiler*: _Scoring_ 



Quality of language used (grammar, spelling, etc.): 3/4

Quality of story line: 5/10

Relevance to topic: 2/4

Flow of story: 1/3

Flair/Pinache: 3/4

Average: 5.6/10




Wow Matt, talk about deep.  You seem to be one of those writers who draws their inspiration from their own lives and thoughts. What I liked was that you used a wider range of vocabulary than most, and this helps to widen the scope of the readers imagination. Sadly, you failed to capture that imagination well. It appeared to me that you became too fixated on the idea that you wanted to portray, that you did not delve further and explore an interesting series of events to illustrate this. The story as a whole was rather repetitive and strayed from the main topic. It did not appear to really head anywhere from beginning to end.

The time you chose was interesting, as was the theme, and they had much more potential than most of the other stories. Overall, I found it to be setting the scene but going no further, so I consider it a bit incomplete. There was also some awkward placing of punctuation. Sorry.


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## Krory (Jan 14, 2013)

Take it back. TAKE IT BACK!


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## Eternity (Jan 14, 2013)

Take it like a man Krory. Take it like a man.


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## Pan-on (Jan 14, 2013)

As a response to the various crits I received, Yeah I was very very tired while I was writing my piece, especially the second part which is why it felt kinda rushed, it was pretty late and I was flagging so I decided I wanted to get it finished warts and all rather than not entering. And as for the resident evil thing that was just something amusing I noticed I was doing with the names by accident so I stuck with it to see if anyone would notice, I guess Leon was pretty obvious. Thanks for the crit tho, my next piece will have me back on top form again, punctuation and everything! 

My own crit should be up tomorrow evening, should have some time after work.


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## Laura (Jan 14, 2013)

Krory said:


> Take it back. TAKE IT BACK!



Ok Matt I redid your review:

Krory= 9.3 
*Spoiler*: __ 




*Spoiler*: _Scoring_ 



Magic and Love.


It was very good. Quit your day job. A+


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## Buskuv (Jan 14, 2013)

I think we can give the ratings a few more days, and then move on.

Then we'll start another.


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## Eternity (Jan 14, 2013)

Yay!


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## Buskuv (Jan 14, 2013)




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## Krory (Jan 14, 2013)

I will most likely (or hopefully) finish up mine around 2 to 3am when I'm feeling frisky and creative and hopefully working on my Blender Fic.


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## Buskuv (Jan 15, 2013)

Eternity said:


> Paste --> Past
> 
> . --> ?
> 
> ...



Well, it does read awkwardly, very awkwardly.  I'm assuming the word 'tread' is supposed to be 'thread', as well.

Goodness really isn't a big deal, because if it's supposed to be slang it's perfectly fine to use in your writing.


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## Eternity (Jan 15, 2013)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Well, it does read awkwardly, very awkwardly.  I'm assuming the word 'tread' is supposed to be 'thread', as well.
> 
> Goodness really isn't a big deal, because if it's supposed to be slang it's perfectly fine to use in your writing.



Guess I just have to be carful how I build my sentences so it flows better then?


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## Buskuv (Jan 15, 2013)

Eternity said:


> Guess I just have to be carful how I build my sentences so it flows better then?



Basically.

Things like commas are meant to imply a pause, so when you have an oddly or incorrectly placed one, it can ruin a sentence pretty quickly.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 15, 2013)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Basically.
> 
> Things like commas are meant to imply a pause, so when you have an oddly or incorrectly placed one, it can ruin a sentence pretty quickly.



Yeah, I can be a hyperactive squirrel when it comes to commas.. >_>


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 15, 2013)

It's alright.  

Also, FF thread is updated with the current ratings so far.  In case you don't want to slog back trough the convo thread.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 15, 2013)

I know. Saw it.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 15, 2013)

Lol, I meant for anyone in the thread.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 15, 2013)

Oh. 

Well, at least you know I saw it.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 16, 2013)

How does Friday sound for the deadline for ratings?


----------



## Eternity (Jan 16, 2013)

Sounds good for me. Then we start another FF the following monday?


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 16, 2013)

Once we get everything tallied up, and a winner is decided, the winner then decides the theme for the next Flash Fiction contest, and then we start it.  It can happen the same day if the winner gets me the next theme so I can make the thread.


----------



## Krory (Jan 16, 2013)

Friday sounds fair. Hopefully I can finish my thing then. Unless I'm too bummed.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 17, 2013)

Get your ratings in!


----------



## Krory (Jan 18, 2013)

Don't tell me what to do! 






Okay, I'll get it done.


----------



## Laura (Jan 18, 2013)

Hey guys, I'm sorry but I'm traveling at the moment so i have to use my phone. I can't write reviews like this, so don't bother counting the few ratings that I've done so far. i will eventually write reviews for everyone however.  sorry guys.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 18, 2013)

Done with my ratings, and seeing as I probably won't win, me being gone this weekend doesn't seem like it will be such a bad thing.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 18, 2013)

It's not about winning!


----------



## Eternity (Jan 18, 2013)

I know, but if I did win, I had to chose the next theme, and seeing as I am out this weekend, I couldn't do that.


----------



## Azure Ihrat (Jan 18, 2013)

eep ratings


*Spoiler*: __ 



Eternity:

I felt that the internal dialogue seemed a bit awkward, especially since that looks to be what's carrying the story. The register you use sounds like it would be more appropriate for a third-person point of view. 6

Tyrael:

I enjoyed the unexpected turn of events and the opening hook was very good at drawing me in. The dialogue could run smoother but overall it was an enjoyable read. 7.7

Krory:

Really nice, meaty prose. It did really well at carrying the piece, although the tension between man and beast that it might have aimed for was not very strong. I could only feel it in the last few paragraphs. But it managed to do a lot of fleshing in not very many words and it was also pretty enjoyable. 7.7


tGre teh Disleksik:

This one managed to hold the tension pretty well. Sometimes the immersion is broken by slightly clumsy descriptions like "Her hair tousled beyond any repair one shower with shampoo and conditioner could hope to effect". I enjoyed the light twist at the end. 7.8

Merry:

At the risk of sounding like a retard, I've read through this over and over again without actually understanding what is going on. Could someone explain this to me? That didn't stop me from enjoying every re-read, the setting and the atmosphere fit together very well. 8

Zoroark:

This one I felt focused on all the wrong things. With 500 words the words used on describing the main character's physical characteristics seem to be wasted when they could have been used on atmosphere or exposition. Without enough of these, the end meeting came across as a bit lackluster. 5.9

Spike_Shrike:

I was wondering what was the target of your rage, and I would never have guessed until the last paragraph (in a good way). 6.3

Smaug:

If Krory's prose was meaty, then this one is pemmican. In 500 words this is an impressive glimpse into a mythology. At times the prose comes across as overwrought, and other times sentences seem to run on for too long, but this seems to be a solid piece. Also very black metal. 8

Kitsune:

That was one of the more bizarre entries I've seen in this thread, and it was well-appreciated. I enjoy that you've made the most of the story unpredictable in the word limit, and I like the small details you planted in the story. The prose can be sort of uneven in density somehow. I'm shite at describing it, but it disrupts the flow of the story on more than one occasion. Still, good stuff. 7.8

Pan-on:

This feels like it was exposition for the events that happen near the end, but the two don't seem to be matched up in a compelling way. There also seem to be a few run-on sentences that could be constructed better. 6

Jena:

Really enjoyable and amusing internal dialogue stuff. It's definitely a welcome break from all the grimdark in the thread and flows nicely to boot. 8.5

Shivers:

I enjoyed the post-apocalyptic feel of this piece. Now and again some overwrought descriptions but I appreciate the description of scenery one doesn't see much of usually. 7.6

Anony34215:

This succeeded in making me a little uncomfortable with the vivid descriptions. Visceral bit of work. 6.7


----------



## Kitsune (Jan 18, 2013)

Laura said:


> Hey guys, I'm sorry but I'm traveling at the moment so i have to use my phone. I can't write reviews like this.



Ditto. But thanks to everyone who took the time to give feedback!


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 18, 2013)

It's no big deal if people are unable to rate.  Shit happens.

Is anyone else just waiting to review or should I tally the totals?  

Also, Pboy, Pan-on is missing a numerical score.


----------



## Mist Puppet (Jan 18, 2013)

let's see if i can shed some light on my story without ruining the mystery (which I think is the best part of it all)


*Spoiler*: __ 



I intentionally left details vague. One, because I thought it'd work in a restricted setting such as this one, and two, because I envisioned the reader to be a third party audience. And the audience only knows about as much as I (or the characters) are willing to reveal. 

The note hidden in the bullet wound, the implied double suicide, the hypnotic power of the note over the protagonist, the "ghost" that keeps him warm, all hint towards something supernatural. Maybe some demonic ritual. Perhaps a dark twist on "The Rapture". 

Or maybe its nothing supernatural at all. Maybe it was a cryptic message from someone to the protagonist, with the wife being the messenger, so to speak. The mob? someone with a grudge?

Or maybe the protagonist is stark raving mad, killed his wife, and set this all up to ease his guilty conscience. 

So many answers. All of them valid. 

Basically, I wanted the reader to come up with their own conclusions. Go beyond just reading and have them critically think about what they just seen. Let their imaginations run wild. And maybe even look at things from a different perspective.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 18, 2013)

Just need Pan-on's number from Mary and the rest of Kory's and I can tally the numbers.


----------



## Krory (Jan 18, 2013)

Here's my ratings, just the numbers so Boskov can wrap this up. If anyone wants specifics from me (doubtful) feel free to ask. Just haven't gotten around to putting all my thoughts down.

*Kitsy* - 8

*Pan-on* - 4.5

*JeffxAnnieJena* - 8

*Shivers* - 9

*AnonyNumbers* - 7


----------



## Azure Ihrat (Jan 19, 2013)

ok, fixed the ratings


----------



## Krory (Jan 19, 2013)

Absolutely no surprise to the winners.  Now to impatiently await the next theme.


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 20, 2013)

Pfft, I'm surprised. I expected:


*Spoiler*: __ 



Ty 3rd - 9
Ty 2nd - 9.5
Ty 1st - 10




I can only assume that some anomalous quirk of mathematics prevented this from being the case.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 20, 2013)

I guess it kinda didn't click with me that I have to choose the next theme.

I don't know what.


----------



## Krory (Jan 20, 2013)

/cue Jeopardy music


----------



## Mist Puppet (Jan 20, 2013)

Krory said:


> /cue Jeopardy music



and then suddenly jeopardy music is the new theme


----------



## Shivers (Jan 20, 2013)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I guess it kinda didn't click with me that I have to choose the next theme.
> I don't know what.



Choose something ponderous. Like "Freedom".


----------



## Krory (Jan 20, 2013)

Saw new posts and got all excited thinking maybe there was a new theme.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 20, 2013)

Alright.

New theme:



























































Ache.


----------



## Krory (Jan 21, 2013)

Excellent.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 22, 2013)

Have at it, good folks of the Literature Department. 

Let's not pull another previous FF and have all the activity in the first one.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 22, 2013)

Been at winter camp last weekend and been sick so far this week, so my brain is a not  ready for literature yet.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 22, 2013)

You've got 8 days.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 22, 2013)

When an idea pops up, ill have it done in no time at all.


----------



## Krory (Jan 22, 2013)

I hope everyone is working hard on ideas.


----------



## Jena (Jan 22, 2013)

I'm already working on my submission


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 22, 2013)

I am.

Kinda.

Maybe.


----------



## Krory (Jan 25, 2013)

I'm still working out something but still definitely gonna do this.

I hope some of you other bastards come through.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 25, 2013)

Ill try.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 25, 2013)

All lot of people seemingly have disappeared after the first entry.

Reminds me of the first LD contest...


----------



## Garfield (Jan 25, 2013)

My chances of winning second place at the very least are 100%




Nais.


----------



## Damaris (Jan 25, 2013)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> All lot of people seemingly have disappeared after the first entry.
> 
> Reminds me of the first LD contest...



i don't have internet at my apartment, so i rarely post on NF, even as i watch. and wait. and kick my word processor.


----------



## Mist Puppet (Jan 25, 2013)

Procrastination combined with Dexter is a very killer combo (pun totally intended)

but I will have something up before the deadline!


----------



## Tyrael (Jan 25, 2013)

I've been really kinda out of it as of late, but def' gonna get an entry in.



Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> All lot of people seemingly have disappeared after the first entry.
> 
> Reminds me of the first LD contest...



First time round it peaked round about 4th contest if I remember correctly. Only then did we start to see it petering out.


----------



## Jena (Jan 25, 2013)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> All lot of people seemingly have disappeared after the first entry.
> 
> Reminds me of the first LD contest...



Well the obvious conclusion is that everyone saw my entry and realized that I am the Shakespeare of our age and then they were all too intimidated to post.


----------



## Krory (Jan 25, 2013)

Jena said:


> Well the obvious conclusion is that everyone saw my entry and realized that *I am the Shakespeare of our age* and then they were all too intimidated to post.



You mean a plagiarist? 

Oh yeah. I went there.

But yeah, let's go with this. After barely breaking into the top 50-percentile last time and seeing Jena posting all hope is lost. Imma just /wrist right now.


----------



## Shivers (Jan 25, 2013)

I have nothing to add, but: Krory, your Phil Noto set is awes.


----------



## Krory (Jan 25, 2013)

Because Noto's X-23 and Jubilee are boss.  Though will soon be replaced with his Pixie work.


----------



## Jena (Jan 25, 2013)

Krory said:


> You mean a plagiarist?
> 
> Oh yeah. I went there.
> 
> But yeah, let's go with this. After barely breaking into the top 50-percentile last time and seeing Jena posting all hope is lost. Imma just /wrist right now.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 25, 2013)

We did have quite a few unique, one time posters during the first couple contests, though.  I guess it comes with the territory.  I don't think people like UMC posted more than a few times.

We'll see how it goes, though.


----------



## Eternity (Jan 25, 2013)

I am adamant in becoming a regular, but I might not join every week.


----------



## Krory (Jan 25, 2013)

As I've said numerous times, I really want to try and get back into the swing of writing regularly so I hope to participate in this as much as possible.


----------



## Garfield (Jan 26, 2013)

Just making sure: We're allowed to edit the entries until deadline right? I've edited mine like 10 times by now  still not satisfied.

edit: ok finally satisfied on the umpteenth try.


----------



## Laura (Jan 26, 2013)

Yeah I think that's fine.


----------



## Demetrius (Jan 26, 2013)

i want to participate and i don't


----------



## Krory (Jan 26, 2013)

Then flip a coin.

Heads you participate, tails you do.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 27, 2013)

I'm thinking about mine but gah, so buy lately.

I might eek one out during the last couple of hours.


----------



## Krory (Jan 27, 2013)

Of all people, you better, Boskov.  It'd kind of suck for none of the top three from last round to participate. But alas. People get busy/don't have the urge. It's not easy. Not like I've done mine yet. I have an idea, I just need to write it.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 27, 2013)

I dun know where Mary went.  

Shivers should be here somewhere; s/he can't hide from me, and I've seen them lurking the LD as it is.  Oh well.  I suppose we'll see.  I tried to keep it vague and quasi-neutral so that we can get a nice round of styles and subjects this time, but if things go well again, we might try for a picture or song contest again.


----------



## Demetrius (Jan 27, 2013)

i'll most probably participate at the last minute or so


----------



## Krory (Jan 27, 2013)

It's sad to see Mary and Kits are both not showing up around here, but I know Kits has some stuff going on so can't really blame her.

I was hoping Jaded Heart would participate. Asked her last time and she said she would try. Sent her a message this time around, too, but no sign.

There's still a couple days so I guess we'll see and there's always next competition, too.


----------



## Garfield (Jan 27, 2013)

Any hopes Dream brother, sel, delirium, troublesum-chan, tgre can participate?

Those are some amazing writers.


----------



## Krory (Jan 28, 2013)

I would've thought TJ was going to participate for sure. Then again I keep forgetting that just because someone's not participating this week doesn't mean they won't be - could just happen to be busy.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 28, 2013)

adee said:


> Any hopes Dream brother, sel, delirium, troublesum-chan, tgre can participate?
> 
> Those are some amazing writers.



Dream Brother said no, haha.  Understandable, though.  Sel, Del and T-chan don't post nearly enough to catch the contest as far as I can tell.  tGre, though, I don't know.


----------



## Shivers (Jan 28, 2013)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I dun know where Mary went.
> Shivers should be here somewhere; s/he can't hide from me, and I've seen them lurking the LD as it is. Oh well. I suppose we'll see. I tried to keep it vague and quasi-neutral so that we can get a nice round of styles and subjects this time, but if things go well again, we might try for a picture or song contest again.




I'm here and inclined to participate, though unsure if inspiration will strike. Just got to do some stuff in the real world, hence the relative absence.

I'll try and get something done, but imagining myself writing at this time brings a feeling rather like my brains were replaced with damp cotton, so it's a maybe.


----------



## Mist Puppet (Jan 29, 2013)

Finally. 

I originally planned on having a funny twist (not for this one, a different story), but the funny just wasn't happening 

maybe next time I'll write something lighter.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 30, 2013)

Alright, fuck it.

We'll extend the deadline 'til the 4th, because fuck it, that's when Fire Emblem comes out.


----------



## Pan-on (Jan 31, 2013)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Alright, fuck it.
> 
> We'll extend the deadline 'til the 4th, because fuck it, that's when Fire Emblem comes out.



woooooooooooooooooo fire emblem


----------



## Dream Brother (Jan 31, 2013)

I had to search for _Fire Emblem_ on Google, as I had no idea what it was...RPG, eh?

Wiki: _'The series is also renowned for having deeply developed characters'_

Sounds interesting.


----------



## Pan-on (Jan 31, 2013)

see what you have to do is play without letting anyone die, because if they die they are gone for good. It gets difficult.


----------



## Dream Brother (Jan 31, 2013)

Pan-on said:


> see what you have to do is play without letting anyone die, because if they die they are gone for good. It gets difficult.



That does sound neat. I just realised that the upcoming one is for the 3DS though, and I don't have one, gah.

Ah well, I shall get back to playing _Final Fantasy VI_...


----------



## Krory (Jan 31, 2013)

Pan-on said:


> see what you have to do is play without letting anyone die, because if they die they are gone for good. It gets difficult.



That's what I liked about Tactics Ogre, too (although you do eventually get a single spell that can bring a character back, but only in that battle, and only like two characters can use it).

I'd like to have a 3DS to try out the new Fire Emblem, but alas... 

I must get this finished before DS3 comes out.


----------



## Pan-on (Feb 1, 2013)

Dream Brother said:


> That does sound neat. I just realised that the upcoming one is for the 3DS though, and I don't have one, gah.
> 
> Ah well, I shall get back to playing _Final Fantasy VI_...



just get an emulator and a rom of the old gba ones to see you if you like them.

I got a 3DS  couple of months ago and this was one of the reasons for it, probably wont get it right away but it should be good.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 5, 2013)

Just going to leave this open until we've got a decent amount of entries (if ever).

Lots of real life bullshit to deal with, and this is probably true for a lot of us, so, in the name of contest, just keep in mind that it's still going.  Never give up!


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 27, 2013)

i request this thread to stop playing dead


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 15, 2013)

Request denied!  

I'll get around to it; I promise.

I have a lot to do, though.


----------



## shit (Jun 5, 2013)

is this still a thing?


----------



## Damaris (Jun 5, 2013)

no

it was too good for this filthy forum


----------



## Buskuv (Jun 5, 2013)

shit said:


> is this still a thing?



Holy shit.

It can be.


----------



## Krory (Jun 6, 2013)

No it can't.


----------



## shit (Jun 7, 2013)

Me and a friend are thinking of having a flashfiction duel if there aren't any other competition
We just need judges to determine a winrar


----------



## Damaris (Jun 7, 2013)

i'm judgmental i volunteer


----------



## ? (Jun 7, 2013)

And a nice prize. 

Chances are I'll lose, but either way shit deserves something for the effort.


----------



## Lucaniel (Jun 7, 2013)

Anony34215 said:


> i'm judgmental i volunteer



**


----------



## Krory (Jun 8, 2013)

If everyone got something for effort, we'd all be running around with avatars the size of signatures and names that shoot fireworks and slices of bacon as rep bars.


----------



## Damaris (Jun 8, 2013)

bacon is disgusting


----------



## Krory (Jun 8, 2013)

So it fits.


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 27, 2013)

I should do this again.

Failure is a good catalyst.


----------



## Demetrius (Jul 29, 2013)

what are the restrictions, or is it a wide variety for writing styles (poetry, experimentation, etc)

someone needs to give it a damn shot


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 29, 2013)

The only real restriction is, currently, 500 words.

Or so.

And a tenuous connection to the theme.


----------



## Demetrius (Jul 29, 2013)

lovely

how many participants do you need in order to get to the next topic, btw, was wondering since it's been lying here for what, over six months now


----------



## Tyrael (Jul 30, 2013)

I'm pretty much always down.


----------



## Mist Puppet (Jul 30, 2013)

it feels so weird looking at my last entry. I was reading it and I completely forgot how it ended, so it kinda blew my mind when I finished.


----------



## Garfield (Jul 30, 2013)

I want my second place prize.


----------



## Mider T (Jul 30, 2013)

A cookie    ?


----------



## Buskuv (Aug 1, 2013)

Fuck, let's just start rating now.

Move on to a new topic.


----------



## kazuri (Nov 11, 2013)

Anyone want to get this going again?


----------



## Eternity (Nov 11, 2013)

Omg yes!


----------



## Tyrael (Nov 11, 2013)

And my axe!


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 11, 2013)




----------



## Vergil (Nov 11, 2013)

I reckon you could get more entries if you linked this with the rp forum. Lots of enthusiastic writers there!


----------



## kazuri (Nov 11, 2013)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


>



Save those emotions for your entry!


----------



## Buskuv (Nov 11, 2013)

Vergil said:


> I reckon you could get more entries if you linked this with the rp forum. Lots of enthusiastic writers there!



This ain't a bad idea.

I know Moogle says the traffic is slowing down in the RP forum, and both would really benefit from some cross pollination.  Maybe I can set something up to promote the RP section up in here, too.


----------



## Jαmes (Dec 23, 2013)

is this happening again? would be really nice.


----------



## tari101190 (Dec 23, 2013)

I would like to do this.

I would prefer if we had to write to specific prompts, themes, or starting sentences though.


----------



## Tyrael (Dec 23, 2013)

That is how it works - we get given a word or phrase as a theme.


----------



## Buskuv (Dec 23, 2013)

It's always happening.

We just need people to follow through.


----------



## Nina (Jan 29, 2014)

ill participate in the next one


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 29, 2014)

If and when, yes...


----------



## Demetrius (Jan 30, 2014)

why not just start with a clean slate

also, there is minor activity from those that are unexpected and don't actively participate or exploit themselves in discussion threads like these, and simply just enter their entry 

what are you judging the level of activity on


----------



## kazuri (Jan 30, 2014)

A crap load of people have shown interest in wanting to do another one over the last couple months.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 30, 2014)

I don't know what you mean by a clean slate, though.

We can erase those roman numerals, if that's what you mean.  Rebranding is always good for marketing purposes.  It's just a hard thing to advertise for with a forum such as this which gets such low traffic--typically it's  a fairly regular group of people.  

That, and our biggest problem isn't the initial push, its the follow through.  90 percent of the participants from the first contest do not participate in the second one, and this has been happening since the first contest.   Honestly, I think the 'relative' harshness of the criticism leveled at the works tends to make people shy away, even if that's the exact opposite of the intent of the contest.


----------



## Garfield (Jan 31, 2014)

But Doc, we can't quit just on that  

Why not one more shot. What's it take?


----------



## Nina (Jan 31, 2014)

critique builds empires
i think we have a pretty good group right now


----------



## Krory (Jan 31, 2014)

For what it's worth my lack of participating after the initial event wasn't due to critique, but due to my own lacking self-esteem, laziness, inability to think, short attention-span, etc. I think people were actually much nicer about mine than I anticipated. 

But I'm game for going again because Svet and nina threatened me if this starts up. I tried to get some activity going last time around for that first run by telling folks about it - I don't think it really paid off at all (and it doesn't help that some people seem to scoff at the concept of a flash fiction), but can try again.


----------



## Buskuv (Jan 31, 2014)

Good.

We'll shoot for the moon, and just go for it, and possibly just leave it open for stragglers until we have sizable pool of entrants.  We need a theme, but if we can't be arsed, I'll pick one and go from there.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 1, 2014)

suggested themes:
melancholy
gravediggers
criminal 
violence
gestures
sunlight
perpetrate
stark-white walls
abstract
surrealism

and so on

themes that aren't so vague, starts off with a prompt:
"she ain't that great, though still a real doll somehow"
the time you recall a death
murder in the woods


----------



## Garfield (Feb 1, 2014)

Is it possible that one time we could try a little more precise theme?

What I mean is, like people have to continue say, this paragraph:



> The announcer on the Railway station PA system kept blaring information in really bad and hard to understand voice. Ritika frowned again, trying to follow --more like decode-- it. Listless as she appeared, at each announcement she would perk up and pay close attention. Otherwise she was oblivious to the mayhem surrounding her on the really busy workday evening as people bustled about, returning from their doldrum of daily jobs, finding that last ounce of energy to rush through heavily crowded public transport system. Suddenly, Ritika shot up with wide eyes. They had just announced that the train was going to arrive on another platform due to some fault. "We deeply regret the inconvenience caused to you", indeed. Cursing the world, she started fighting her way through the crowd going the opposite direction, to get to the overbridge that would take her to the other platform.
> 
> ...



Well, this is just an example so don't judge it, but just so you know what I mean :3


----------



## Krory (Feb 1, 2014)

I could get behind that idea as long as everyone's down, though if not I liked some of Trin's prompts:

gravediggers
sunlight
stark-white walls
the time you recall a death
murder in the woods

Also throwing the prompt "Black/White (Black and White)" into the possibility.

But maybe, as said if everyone is game, explore adee's suggestion.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 1, 2014)

i can dig it

but if it's too stretched out, like the example, although it _would_ give experience - it would give impossible curves to one's writing style they simply just could not make, making it a rather awkward narrative in the longrun

i say stick with one or two sentences or five at the most even - which is kind of what i was trying to do here:
_"she ain't that great, though still a real doll somehow"_, already portraying a very wide atmosphere and up for interpretation, etc

and vagueness is good with these particular prompts, too, adee, leaving for a larger interpretation and creative writing process rather than continuing a story that already had a detailed plan in action
 because precision kind of makes it difficult
and it's, also, you know, a kickstarter for the contest and we don't want to make it too complex


----------



## Garfield (Feb 1, 2014)

How about we compromise and ...



go with your plan instead?


----------



## Krory (Feb 1, 2014)

I'm admittedly struggling a little bit as I think on that particular prompt but I'm sure I could manage if that's what we decide to go with. 

But overall yeah, Trin has a point mostly with...



> and it's, also, you know, a kickstarter for the contest and we don't want to make it too complex



It'll be nice to change from the one-word topic prompts and such that I was familiar with the only two times I took note of when this was being done.

It would also be lovely if some of these other fine folks had input.


----------



## Mist Puppet (Feb 1, 2014)

I like what Trinity has posted. 

I don't even know if this would be feasible, but we could also go in a different direction and use music as a theme (not for a revival, but later on down the line when this is more 'established'). Music would have to be carefully selected, and ratings in regards to "sticking to the theme" would have to either be very lenient or nonexistent since music alone can be interpreted in many different ways

examples for suitable music themes i think: this or 

Going off the music thing, you can also take a couple of lines of lyrics from a song and use that as a theme. 

but i am looking forward to doing this again


----------



## Krory (Feb 1, 2014)

Mist Puppet said:


> I like what Trinity has posted.
> 
> I don't even know if this would be feasible, but we could also go in a different direction and use music as a theme (not for a revival, but later on down the line when this is more 'established'). Music would have to be carefully selected, and ratings in regards to "sticking to the theme" would have to either be very lenient or nonexistent since music alone can be interpreted in many different ways
> 
> ...



I thought of doing this (since I tend to obsess over lyrics in my preferred songs) but my taste in music has unanimously been declared crap so I kept it to myself.  I like the music idea but still my only concern is being able to keep up with folks, but what's the point if one doesn't try, right?


----------



## Garfield (Feb 1, 2014)

We've already done music a couple times before in the contest. I think amnesia won that last one. But music is always fun.


----------



## Nina (Feb 1, 2014)

i really dig using a song as a prompt, and fitting the theme would depend on how well ones expressed the perceived atmosphere/tone/message of the song

im also equally up for using one opening sentence as a prompt

forced to choose one way or another, i think i enjoy writing to song prompts more


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## Buskuv (Feb 1, 2014)

I won the music theme thank you very much adee.  

I also chose all the songs.

I also think that music can be tricky in that lyric heavy pop-ish music tends to be very specific with its intention, as well as story-telling music ala Bob Dylan and so forth.  Dylan would be great, but I think a lot of it should remain wordless because that gives a lot more room  for interpretation.

Also, the less typical the better--musically speaking.


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## Garfield (Feb 1, 2014)

It's ok, we all knew in our heart of hearts who _really_ won 

maybe I should rethink my strategy of antagonizing the _only_ moderator of this section...


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 1, 2014)

so what are we going with

or are we picking from a burnt straw between using a few sentences as a prompt, or music


----------



## Lucaniel (Feb 1, 2014)

pls do the usual theme prompts with one word or w/e

a few sentences makes it too specific and music has so much wildcard potential that i could only get behind boskov picking it


----------



## Nina (Feb 1, 2014)

im behind boskov picking the song

i didnt want to specifically vote on a prompt anyways because i find it more challenging the other way


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## Garfield (Feb 1, 2014)

Music sounds funky.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 1, 2014)

By the time this contest opens I'll have sobered up.

This saddens me.


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## Buskuv (Feb 1, 2014)

I'll pick a goddamn song right now if it'll get y'all mo'fuckas to shut up and write.

Fo' reals.

Ya dig?


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## Krory (Feb 1, 2014)

Bring it on, mofo.


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## Buskuv (Feb 1, 2014)

Oh, I will.


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## Buskuv (Feb 1, 2014)

Hooooooo shit, I got the one.

The fucking one.


----------



## Krory (Feb 1, 2014)

Wait, why are you fucking music?


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 1, 2014)

It's up.

Have at it.


----------



## Syko (Feb 2, 2014)

Too lazy to watch the video, someone tell me the theme in words.


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## Stelios (Feb 2, 2014)

where do we leave our rating and review for our peers?


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## Garfield (Feb 2, 2014)

mstelios said:


> where do we leave our rating and review for our peers?


Leave them amongst your thoughts for the time being. You shall be notified by snail mail when the time is upon us.

Winter is coming.


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## Buskuv (Feb 2, 2014)

Syko said:


> Too lazy to watch the video, someone tell me the theme in words.



It's largely instrumental, and intentionally so.

deal w/ it, nerd


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 2, 2014)

dr. b, what do you say is a good number of followers vs a realistic number of followers that continue this ritual of startling literature 

i think three, realistically, is a fine number 
tho i'm not sure what this particular contest really runs on

because _of course_ once you start a contest there's going to be a huge followup - that's a given, and will diminish over time but then you have individuals that stick with the material and continue to be participants (due to the satanic sacrifice, obviously, but still)
such as krory, it feels adee is quite loyal, etc? is this not enough to keep it going


----------



## Krory (Feb 2, 2014)

I know I completely pussied out last time on the second run and the best I can do is say I'm going to try my damnedest to stay loyal this time around.

Someone needs to bring the low-quality, after all


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 2, 2014)

Three or four is usually the REQUIREMENT, but there's no reason to simply close the thread right away because we've reached the quota.  We've had a regular 4-5 people running the show for the 20 some-odd contests we've had up until now, so it's possible, but not as fun as with newer or more users.

Eventually you end up with a group of regulars; it's just how it is.  However, we'll always be striving to grab more, because it's less about the sparkles and prizes, and more about the ability to learn and critique your writing.


----------



## Krory (Feb 2, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> ... because it's less about the sparkles and prizes, and more about the ability to learn and critique your writing.



Unfortunately, most people I seem to grab don't think that way.


----------



## Stunna (Feb 2, 2014)

wait, no prizes?

>deletes entry


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 2, 2014)

No, there are prizes.  

Check the prize thread, son.

And, yeah, Krory.  That first round probably lost us a bunch of entrants because people like Ty, myself and a few of the older members give... what may be considered harsh feedback in other parts of the forum, or internet.  But it's out of love.


----------



## Krory (Feb 2, 2014)

I think it's less about your guys' critiques and more about people were just doing it in hopes of winning stuff. Felt like a few of those people were just in it to participate not because writing is a joy or passion or they want to get better (_which is strange because none of those applies to me_).

And ten some flukes that are hardly on the forum to begin with like Mary and Kitsune.

Now one of these days I'll learn how to apply critiques.


----------



## Stunna (Feb 2, 2014)

I'd love to be a writer, so any critique's appreciated.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 3, 2014)

Just as a note btw to anyone even slightly interested in joining but doesn't because they feel only serious wannabe writers are welcome:

That's not the case. Take for example me, I have zero interest in doing anything related to literature seriously. But I like to write every once in a while. Why? Because writing well is the result of being able to organize your thoughts well. If _that_ is your goal, you're still more than welcome. Streamlining your thought process is helpful no matter what field you pursue.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 3, 2014)

Yeah, sometimes we get weird people from the woodwork who never post anyways, like PBoy and Kitsune, and sometimes we get one post wonders.  We're trying our best to make sure it's still an enjoyable, fun thing to do, rather than hyper serious.


----------



## Krory (Feb 3, 2014)

Trinity linked me to last years and I forgot how awful mine was (and how poorly it was received).  Oh man.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 3, 2014)

Would be cool if people like Pboy, sel, DB, troublesomechan, Amnesia, Doc etc post. We can learn from them!


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 3, 2014)

I still occasional chat to Pintsize and DB, so will give them a prod at some point. Would be good to see some of the ol' gang popping up again.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 3, 2014)

I'll try to slap something down at some point.

You know me.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 3, 2014)

Have to say, really liked the track. Don't have a habit of paying any attention to lyrics though, so my entry might be...not an exact fit.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 3, 2014)

Naw; I was hoping people would go for the musical parts, rather than lyrical.

That's always more fun.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 3, 2014)

question: Should I subscribe to this thread or the contest thread in order to keep up with everything?


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 3, 2014)

Or both mayhaps?


----------



## Garfield (Feb 3, 2014)

You should subscribe to BBC, ars technica, etc. to keep up with everything.

To keep up with this contest though, you should subscribe to *this*.thread


----------



## Garfield (Feb 3, 2014)

Vegeta is so funny that sometimes I wish George Carlin and Demetri Martin took lessons from him on how to deliver intellectual humor.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 3, 2014)

He's got 26 posts yet he's transcendant - he's clearly a dupe account for someone else. 

What a transparent and boring attempt at trolling.


----------



## Lucaniel (Feb 3, 2014)

Tyrael said:


> He's got 26 posts yet he's transcendant - he's clearly a dupe account for someone else.
> 
> What a transparent and boring attempt at trolling.



er?

tyr, vegeta used to be an admin. he got a post count and rep reset. he's very much a real user and that's his real account


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 3, 2014)

Ah, really? Fair enough I guess.

Still a poor attempt at being funny mind.


----------



## Krory (Feb 3, 2014)

I miss when Vegeta still did legendary adminfucks.


----------



## Vegeta (Feb 3, 2014)

I miss those days too. I promise that I'll write something serious if a future topic tickles my fancy.


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## Buskuv (Feb 3, 2014)

I'm gonna tickle your fancy, if you know what I mean.


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## Krory (Feb 3, 2014)

I like where this is going.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 4, 2014)

You guys watch too much Dexter...


----------



## Krory (Feb 4, 2014)

I never got into Dexter much.  Only thing I liked about it was Jennifer Carpenter.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 4, 2014)

You can't hide from me, Adee.

I see all.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 4, 2014)

I should post a shittinkdicknipples and delete it just to draw you in 

-----------

I suggest, given the plethora of entries, we close the FF contest a little early this time. Too many reviews kinda take a toll on the reviewer D:


----------



## Krory (Feb 4, 2014)

Hopefully not too soon - there's still a couple folks I'd like to see show up.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 4, 2014)

> Too many reviews kinda take a toll on the reviewer D:


why bother participating if it's too much work, then

if you do the first half, you do the second

tbh i don't believe it to be a toll

might polish one's critiquing skills aswell


----------



## Garfield (Feb 4, 2014)

Wait till you've done it a few times


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 4, 2014)

oh no

i've critiqued plenty and looked at various entries that aren't even on this site with hoards and hoards of crap before, i get the drill

trust me 

i suggest you could keep it short and sweet if it does drain your energy, too, this is always an option


----------



## Garfield (Feb 4, 2014)

Haha, people like me have no choice _but_ to keep it short considering we don't really have much literary insight to offer, but ironically, that is also more taxing because we gotta think hard to figure out anything substantial about the piece we read in terms of something less subjective >_>


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 4, 2014)

i think you probably have more to offer than you think, adee

sometimes an outsider is good and that isn't really familiar with the baffling terms in grammar and punctuation or the show not tell rule or just plain issues, etc, it's actually quite refreshing to just have an opinion

and don't really think too hard about it either - if you get it, you get it
if you don't see anything notable and worthy, then you don't

which funny enough that's the basics  of comprehending literature as a whole 

it's not something to scan consciously for really or else you just kill it and work your brain into a fit and there's no fun in that


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 4, 2014)

adee said:


> Haha, people like me have no choice _but_ to keep it short considering we don't really have much literary insight to offer, but ironically, that is also more taxing because we gotta think hard to figure out anything substantial about the piece we read in terms of something less subjective >_>



As Trinity says, there's an inherent danger in being too involved with the actual craft. Too easy to lose the perspective of a reader.

I think you're being unnecessarily unfair on yourself either way dude, you're comments in the past have always been good.

I remember the first and 2nd contests where there was like twenty-ish entries each time. I do take the point that it makes getting people to rate is more difficult if there are lots and lots of entry, but at this point with the contest attracting new folks no need to put a stopper on it yet.


----------



## Krory (Feb 4, 2014)

I'm not sure if I'm just interpreting wrong but I can kind of feel Adee. I could _never_ offer the kind of insight and critiquing that you folks like Tyrael, Trinity, and especially Boskov can. I'm just very much, "I know what I like and don't like, but that's it" type of person and that's really the best I can do. I'm pretty awful with grammar and such as well.


----------



## kazuri (Feb 4, 2014)

I was planning on entering but I'm not sure if I will be able to because its a music theme. I'm on a shitty dataplan and only have a certain amount of data a month, and I try to save all of it for anime. I have a 'window' from 2:30-7am that counts against another amount of data per month, I might be able to get it then, just not sure which day..


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 4, 2014)

ah fuck I need to review stuff as well?


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 4, 2014)

kazuri said:


> I was planning on entering but I'm not sure if I will be able to because its a music theme. I'm on a shitty dataplan and only have a certain amount of data a month, and I try to save all of it for anime. I have a 'window' from 2:30-7am that counts against another amount of data per month, I might be able to get it then, just not sure which day..



Damn, dude.  I'm sorry.

That's completely understandable.



Nightbringer said:


> ah fuck I need to review stuff as well?



Well, you don't HAVE to rate stuff...


----------



## kazuri (Feb 5, 2014)

> Damn, dude. I'm sorry.
> 
> That's completely understandable.



It's cool, was able to stay up late enough tonight to get it during my 'free' window. DAP(downloadaccelaratorplus) has a firefox plugin that can capture most streams, and on youtube it will offer up all kinds of formats of varying quality, it has one super small format that literally makes the picture tiny and can make files drop dramatically in size.

Got this song for 6mb, although I think I lost another 5-10mb before I could stop the play window and initiate the DAP download 

But seriously though, could you have picked a longer song.. 


I was making a plan B to go with the picture for the video, turns out the picture picked is pretty accurate to the song so far(only listened for a minute so far) so I have a few ideas I was thinking about already!


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## Demetrius (Feb 5, 2014)

i assume tyrael is hiding something explicit 
now i'm curious


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 5, 2014)

I posted a deep, dark secret that no one should ever know lest it should destroy us all.


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## Buskuv (Feb 5, 2014)

You'll learn pretty quickly, if we ever do music again, that such length is pretty typical for my musical choices.  

And, it was super dark and secretive.  Totally.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 5, 2014)

why must you tease me so, guys

why must you tease me so


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 5, 2014)

If I can't abuse my powers, what's the point in having them?


----------



## Krory (Feb 5, 2014)

One of these days, I'll get powers...


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Feb 6, 2014)

adee said:


> I should post a shittinkdicknipples and delete it just to draw you in
> 
> -----------
> 
> I suggest, given the plethora of entries, we close the FF contest a little early this time. Too many reviews kinda take a toll on the reviewer D:



No, please don't lock me out!    I'll post mine tomorrow.  It's done, I just want to read it again for mistakes when I'm not tired.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 7, 2014)

I'll do my ratings this weekend if you guys don't mind, I got exams + projects that will take up most of my time for next month or so.


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## The Pirate on Wheels (Feb 7, 2014)

Where/when do we do and post our ratings?


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 7, 2014)

We post them here, and when we close the thread.

I'll probably go ahead and tie it off either tomorrow or Sunday, and hopefully I can muster the fortitude to actually do one.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 7, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _mstelios_ 



5/10

Well, this is your first contest, so not that bad, but you should try to get rid of spelling errors. But I think with a little bit of work, you'll learn. The style is very conversational, not something that one would usually write a story in. But still, as I said for a start, it's quite good. I think you're able to keep the story going in your head. That's always a good thing.

As for the story, it seemed kind of quick, but with short stories even, I feel that what you want to do is to give the reader something to think about. Even if not a lot is happening spatially and temporally speaking, you can maybe give some vivid imagery to prod the pathos. Just something to keep in mind in the next contest (^_^) 





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 



 6.5/10

Ty, you're obviously veteran and what you've written is very readable and I didn't get annoyed reading your piece. But the bad part about that is that my threshold expectations for you are too high. I already expect you to be really good...So, please please don't take this criticism to mean that I didn't think your piece was any good...coz it was pretty well written.

I'm sorry D: it might be my bad, but I had no clue where the whole thing was going. In the beginning you seemed all like a high fantasy fiction writer, with nice archaic imagery being firmly built in my mind and then suddenly it seemed like you ate some mushrooms...?
After that I just kept losing focus, had to try pretty hard to read and that's the only reason I'm rating it low, I'm really sorry >_> The chaos of the story just didn't resonate well with the steady cadence and low information setting of the song. Maybe for a math rock song with a slightly slow post rock beginning, this would have kinda been a better suit? 

I actually especially liked the last sentence of your first paragraph, "Knowledge is power". It had me a double take because it didn't seem to mesh well with the entire paragraph because there's a subtle double meaning to it. So I was actually really hoping you would expand more on that and you did, but I was hoping for a different direction. Maybe a little complexity and exploring the phrase in that context you created? Again, I'm sorry for being so subjective and personal about it.






*Spoiler*: _krory_ 



 6.5/10

Well, as you yourself said, you went for the low hanging fruit  But the thread in your story wasn't tangled, it didn't coil, and it stayed true to the song. It was very readable and I enjoyed it.

There were some places which kinda had me at a loss by the way, only minor faults I'd say:


> The bustling of people hurrying off to whatever endeavor they have set before them barely register to my hearing


This sentence is kinda off, maybe your could have framed it better. Especially the last part, even if just that was changed to "barely registers" I would be kinda ok and moved on, but ... you know...



> As people walk by, some without even a curious glance, I wonder if it's telling that so few show interest in my execution. Though this certainly isn't the first time my eventual death led only to apathy. I'm hardly surprised. Predictably, the regular crowd is still there. I count down the seconds, my dry lips mouthing the descending numbers, as I wait patiently for the final arrival. A woman who, I'm sure, people would have been as equally disinterested in seeing killed as they are in me.


Small issue here. The whole imagery of listlessness and apathy would have registered more strongly had you not used the line  "Predictably, the regular crowd is still there." here. Seemed somewhat unnecessary. But I really liked the last line in this above quote. Kudos!



> smell poverty


 This little thing in your second paragraph seemed a little incorrect and given the circumstance a little distracting. Maybe you were going instead for "smelly poverty" but even that term would have kinda brought the sentence down in my opinion.



> However, overpowering all of that is something that, until recently, I had only ever smelled once. Trust me when I say that when you smell someone burning alive, it is something that sticks with you. Burnt hair is arguably the worst and that is the only thing that really registers in this moment and I can't figure out why or where it is coming from.


Speaking of burnt hair, allow me to split hairs! ()
What I couldn't tell was, if this is the first time seemingly that you smelled burning flesh, how did you know it was burning of flesh and that the worst thing about it was the burning hair, considering the fact you didn't even see where this was coming from; and that obviously the executions were hangman style, not burning...anyways maybe I'm thinking too much

Haha the third paragraph was inception right? Deliberate or not. you were wondering about something inside of a dream. Seemed coolio.

One last thing. The last line. It would seem that the better word to use would be:



> I *was* already in hell



but I'm not the expert so don't take my word for it >_>






*Spoiler*: _Bruce Wayne_ 



 4/10
Bro ... just once should you have proofread. At least... 
Well there's a lot of things to work on here. Firstly, the grammatical errors. I mean, especially the 6th paragraph "Thousands of men...spilled its"
It ended in "spilled its"
Sorry for being hard on you bro, but that was quite disconcerting.
Then there's your imagery. It seemed that you were yourself not quite sure and seemed to be making it up as the story went on because you spend some sentences to describe it but it comes out to be quite bland. It seemed like you were kinda going for something that may look like Egypt, if I'm not mistaken.
There's the issue with Hosts and the armies of the two brothers and the sudden appearance of generals? I was confused with the whole setting with that. The word 'Host' seems to have been misused, but maybe if you had more space to elaborate the story it might have made more sense?

Anyways, sorry for the low rating, but I gave Tyrael a 6.5, so I have no choice but to give you this  Please don't be demotivated by this, I myself have received lower scores than this before, so it's just a matter of improving! 






*Spoiler*: _Stunna_ 



 7.5/10
Ha! You went down a road parallel to Krory's. But you indeed used some fancier language and brought up a few different POVs and aspects in the situation to think about. It was certainly well put, hence the high rating. It seemed though from his raw language to your fancy one, his basic narration to your descriptive one that his was a man maybe born and brought up in poverty, a more crude man telling his crude tale which may garner some sympathy because it was out of necessity; yours was a rich spoilt brute who liked to indulge in many crimes to satisfy his whims. Let it be noted by the way that in no way do I dislike simple language used by Krory, it certainly gives a different picture as I say. 

You use a lot of ten-dollar words, but you seem to use them right (except for "adjudicating" in my opinion), so I didn't mind. A lot of people will just use these words because they read it somewhere, without understanding the full meaning of it. You seem to get it, I like that.

Your minimal use of world building was actually pretty good considering it wasn't required. I'm glad you didn't do it. It meant that the focus was completely on the man and his situation. Even the colors of the sky. That was a very nice touch.

That being said...


> The sickness caused by my self-detestation


 I was thrown off by this sentence because till this point, I didn't notice any self detestation. The first few sentences of acceptance of his other crimes juxtaposed with the rest had led me to believe that he was in fact proud of his earlier "accomplishments" so to speak.

Actually, kinda like with Tyrael's, I didn't know how to interpret the part after the Raven comes into the picture, I had to kinda reread it twice. I still don't really know what to make of it. It seemed suddenly to cause chaos, like a grenade been thrown into a rally or something. So when you came to the part about absolution, I didn't understand where in the story the whole absolution fit into?

Also you kinda weakly refer to a set of people ambling along with him, seemingly criminals just like him, and you're surrounded by other onlookers. I was confused for some time as to which set of people was doing which when you were describing actions being taken by other people. For example, when the protagonist was suddenly out of mind and trying to rush, it would seem you were talking about the other prisoners walking with him, but then before that when you were talking about people avoiding looking at the raven, I could'a sworn it seemed you meant the onlookers. So it kinda didn't make sense to me.







*Spoiler*: _Nightbringer_ 



 6/10
There's nothing technically wrong with what you've written, that jumps out at me. I like that you have a clear thought process running through the story. There seems to be good metaphor going on; metaphors are always good, they give flavor to prose. I like it. The imagination is also solid. You are able to build your world well it seems, you are also able to convey your world well, I had no difficulty.

However, as you yourself admitted it's a bit too terse. It doesn't seem to give me much to work with. The small passage about the manager and his gold is kinda ... standing there, weakly connected to the rest, in that the manager had made a deal with the devil (He got the money to leave the door open). Do you reckon you could have either expanded it or shortened it to just one line? I think it would have been better that way.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 7, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _Mist Puppet_ 



 8.5/10
It's a splendidly written piece, as disturbing as it is. Although it turned out to incite too many cringes in me, which is the only reason I'm giving you a score lower than you deserve maybe. And wow, a ten (nearly!!??) year old girl being able to kill two men (well one kid actually) like this was just somewhat incredulous in the light of...you know the realism of the rest of it...would have taken something supernatural.

It has nice flow because the words aren't too hard to follow. The language doesn't take anything away from the atmosphere. You know, sometimes some situation which is dark and heavy is described using the thesaurus and it just comes of as "wtf is going on"? This was nothing like that. You write very well, sir.

You pay attention to details of the moment, something that not many of us have managed to do. So sentences like "The boy nodded quickly, wincing as the noose reminded him of its presence with each movement. " really hit the mark.

However, the tense you use kinda seems all over the place. It's not too bad, as it only very slightly hinders the flow of reading.



> The little boy who lived next door to her struggled *furiously*, the chair his feet were dangling upon rocking *furiously*


 I'm sure you'd have kinda caught this if you'd reread your piece  



> Recognition. Resignation.


 I kinda understand the artistic value of highlighting some parts of your story like this, but to me, this kinda didn't seem to need to be highlighted. It would have been ok, had that been the girl's aim to expect those responses, or the exact opposite, but it wasn't, so in the end had the same effect as it would have were it integrated with the previous sentence(s).

But seriously, damn your piece was the most engaging and just hooked me in completely. I didn't lose my focus for a single instant and that is why imo your piece is the second best out of all entries! Would have given 9/10 if I hadn't cringed all the way to the ironing table and back when I read that last paragraph and remembered that she was 9 ish years old 

Well, on a serious note, the reason I'm subtracting from your score is that you've gone for a little bit of low hanging fruits yourself. Sorry >_>






*Spoiler*: _Jaded_ 



 7/10

Well, again nothing grammatically incorrect and very cohesive piece that had me reading from starting to end without too much of a stop in flow. Why then a lower score you ask?

Well first of all,










You _know_ I just had to bring the song up because well, you knowingly or unknowingly kinda brought up a similar theme up in your piece haha. And because of the whole Jaded Heart -  jade - Jaded thing...ugh I'm really sorry ... gomenasai.

So this one is also a little terse, but read well. The woman in the story has not been explored, but I actually liked that because it gave me freedom to define her myself. Thankfully, I could because I've seen Basic Instinct, but also because she is more similar to this mythical (maybe fictional) creature from Indian stories of poison-women who, in time of kings long ago, were trained since birth to be resistant to poison/venom by feeding it to them and building resistance in them. But that would slowly change their saliva (and other bodily fluids) so that when they enchanted someone into having sex with them, the victim would die. This method was supposedly used quite commonly in ancient India to fell kingdoms.

So, thankfully I have a little more personal perspective on this. But I'd have liked to see the story tell a little more of her.

I liked the fact that you're just unabashedly describing this really uncomfortable situation in great detail. I for one would never be able or willing to describe sex so keenly D: bravo!

So the biggest problem I had with this was the use of words: *amethyst, jade, cerulean*. They should be used where they best fit. Amethyst is not a color and the reference doesn't make it clear that you only want the color aspect of amethyst. So one has to kinda do a double take. It would have been better if you'd explicitly said the amethyst fabric, because now the reference is explicitly to the color. It became more challenging to me because at first I just kinda went past it and the word jade later on caught my eye, so I immediately thought there was symbolism going on, which of course there isn't...but still. Seemed somewhat misleading.

So coming to jade, it seemed to me that you could have used another word because jade has connotation of jaded and jaded means something completely opposite to what is appropriate here. The girl definitely wasn't showing any signs of being jaded.

And lastly, cerulean is usually used with a deeper meaning of being not just blue but deep and vast and *calm*. in that it has capacity to hold a lot. You know, like the cerulean skies, the cerulean waters of the ocean...etc. It seemed very odd then to refer to a dying agonizing man's eyes cerulean.






*Spoiler*: _Trinity_ 



 9.5/10
Hoooooly fucking....

It is very well made, I think I may need to call the cops because you kinda got the mind of the crazy killer just about perfect. I loved how in the first paragraph, you kinda mislead with asking how the killer got the bloodstains out. Whereas it's not about what he uses to take them out, but the process of it in order to make it "beautiful".

I liked how the killer takes pride in the "innovativeness" of it all. How in their mind the rationalization is that their world is somehow imperfect and they are making it better. In a very weird way if reminds me of how in the drive to industrialize and commercialize and politicize, we end up destroying some things that are pristine and that require a less schizophrenic handling.

The only problem I had with the story? The ordering you chose and the last soundproofing part. The rest was relatively solidly poetic but the sheetrock just wasn't. And it didn't fit in well even if I thought of it as an abrupt jarring pause or an abrupt jarring beginning or end...

The use of references to 'red' could have been just a tiny tad bit more subtle, especially in the third set. But given my rating, you can tell how much I cared about this one (hint: not much).






*Spoiler*: _The Pirate_ 



 6/10
Well it was a good effort to be as poetic and ballad like as possible. I like that you're able to string together sentences that flow. Hopefully, with a little practice, you'll be able to make your point more clearly. And that is the goal innit? Right now it seemed kinda vague and more rambling than actually making a point. Still I believe you know the story in your head. You seem to be moving well through all the phases, it's just you're not communicating them that well to us. Thanks for participating, please do next time as well!


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## Krory (Feb 7, 2014)

I went for the low-hanging fruit because I'm fat and can't climb trees.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 7, 2014)

adee said:


> *Spoiler*: _Nightbringer_
> 
> 
> 
> ...



am I meant to reply here or is that a social faux pas? 

yeah, I kind of hit a road block after I introduced the beast with how to go about getting the best effect. Idealy I would have liked to tie the manager back in somehow but I couldn't get the flow of anything right.

I don't really like the last paragraph either, it feels too forced imo.


----------



## Krory (Feb 7, 2014)

To reply...



*Spoiler*: __ 





> This sentence is kinda off, maybe your could have framed it better. Especially the last part, even if just that was changed to "barely registers" I would be kinda ok and moved on, but ... you know...



Yeah, that was kind of a problem area for me and I liked the idea but didn't know how to present it and I was getting frustrated.




> Small issue here. The whole imagery of listlessness and apathy would have registered more strongly had you not used the line  "Predictably, the regular crowd is still there." here. Seemed somewhat unnecessary. But I really liked the last line in this above quote. Kudos!



I wanted to use terms like "predictably" and throwing in adjectives like "regular" to try and show a recurring thing and foreshadow the whole concept of him reliving the entire scenario again and again but I know I overdid it. I was also concerned I didn't get across that it was the _other_ people that were apathetic - not the narrator.




> This little thing in your second paragraph seemed a little incorrect and given the circumstance a little distracting. Maybe you were going instead for "smelly poverty" but even that term would have kinda brought the sentence down in my opinion.



I have to look at the sentence again but I think I missed a word there, - "of." Damn.




> Speaking of burnt hair, allow me to split hairs! ()
> What I couldn't tell was, if this is the first time seemingly that you smelled burning flesh, how did you know it was burning of flesh and that the worst thing about it was the burning hair, considering the fact you didn't even see where this was coming from; and that obviously the executions were hangman style, not burning...anyways maybe I'm thinking too much



That was a horrible inconsistency in my part - the burning was supposed to be related to being in a generic version of hell (making the end more literal) and only his sense of smell was picking it up. I had this whole scenario worked out in my head but clearly with the limit, I wasn't able to adapt much of it and - much like with my last Flash Fiction entry - it just left everything with loose ends. Very _Groundhog Day_ and I had Asia's "Heat of the Moment" playing in my head constantly. You Supernatural fans will get that one.




> Haha the third paragraph was inception right? Deliberate or not. you were wondering about something inside of a dream. Seemed coolio.



At least I did something right. 




> One last thing. The last line. It would seem that the better word to use would be:
> 
> but I'm not the expert so don't take my word for it >_>



Yeah, I really don't know either.  I wrote the whole thing in past tense initially but as I thought about it I thought it would sound much cooler in a present tense and probably just make more sense. I instinctively changed that line and questioned it after but the rules of tense in sentences like that always fuck with me so I just kind of didn't bother. I hate present tense.




Thanks. :33


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## Deleted member 198194 (Feb 7, 2014)

is there still time to submit?

*bothers to read above posts

nevermind, got it


----------



## Krory (Feb 7, 2014)

I think there's still plenty of time for some folks to get something in but Nina is crapping out on us.  Everyone make her feel bad.


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## Deleted member 198194 (Feb 7, 2014)

i'm a refugee with english as his 3rd language with no previous writing experience

my body is ready


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## Krory (Feb 7, 2014)

inb4 you win.


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## Nina (Feb 7, 2014)

i really tried


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## The Pirate on Wheels (Feb 7, 2014)

adee said:


> *Spoiler*: _The Pirate_
> 
> 
> 
> ...




*Spoiler*: __ 



I have no idea what I wrote or what the story was about inside my head good sir.    The song was crazy and dreamy and entrancing but long and unclear to me (everyone else got a distinct serial killer vibe), so that's what it inspired.   But thank you very much for the criticisms, and reading it.  I appreciate it, and I'll try to improve for next time.  Though I kind of expected harsher criticism for how out of practice I am.


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## Krory (Feb 7, 2014)

You're evil, nina.


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## Bruce Wayne (Feb 7, 2014)

adee said:


> *Spoiler*: _Bruce Wayne_
> 
> 
> 
> ...



*Spoiler*: __ 






> Bro ... just once should you have proofread. At least...
> Well there's a lot of things to work on here. Firstly, the grammatical errors. I mean, especially the 6th paragraph "Thousands of men...spilled its"
> It ended in "spilled its"
> Sorry for being hard on you bro, but that was quite disconcerting.



I should have, but I was in a hurry. Such simple mistakes. 



> Then there's your imagery. It seemed that you were yourself not quite sure and seemed to be making it up as the story went on because you spend some sentences to describe it but it comes out to be quite bland. It seemed like you were kinda going for something that may look like Egypt, if I'm not mistaken.
> There's the issue with Hosts and the armies of the two brothers and the sudden appearance of generals? I was confused with the whole setting with that. The word 'Host' seems to have been misused, but maybe if you had more space to elaborate the story it might have made more sense?


This pretty much stems from the fact that I did not plan at all. 

The theme reminded of a story I wrote about a year ago, but I never actually finished it. So I attempted to write the final battle of that story here without any set plan, but it proved difficult, especially with the 500 word limit. It does not help that I lost the notebook that had the beginning of the story.

And you are right. It is a desert that spans many miles, with only one river the separates the desert, and that river leads up a mountain that seems to be full of color even though it's in the middle of a desert.



> Anyways, sorry for the low rating, but I gave Tyrael a 6.5, so I have no choice but to give you this  Please don't be demotivated by this, I myself have received lower scores than this before, so it's just a matter of improving!


Your feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 7, 2014)

I really promise I'll try tonight.

I the idea in my head.

But all my writing makes me upset because I hate it.


----------



## Krory (Feb 7, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I really promise I'll try tonight.
> 
> I the idea in my head.
> 
> But all my writing makes me upset because I hate it.



Yeah but yours usually doesn't suck.  I presume, at least... based entirely off your last Flash Fiction... hm.


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Feb 7, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I the idea in my head.
> 
> But all my writing makes me upset because I hate it.



... said every good writer.


----------



## Jaded Heart (Feb 8, 2014)

Thanks for the thoughtful and insightful review, adee. I greatly appreciate it. It's actually given me a lot to consider, especially when you started talking about my color usage. Writing this was challenging for me and it's kind of weird how I happened upon the idea I chose to use in the first place.

I agree with you in the fact that I could have talked more about the woman, given some more detail and lead-way into her as a person, but after spending so much time trying to add on to my story I simply couldn't think of anything else (I'm lame). The story was too short, and didn't clarify on things that could have used more explanation/thought. Seriously though, I originally planned to write something longer and figured I'd have trouble staying within the 500 word limit. Turns out I had the exact opposite problem.

Honestly, a 7/10 is better than what I expected to get.

I actually sent this story to a friend first to proof-read it before posting it here on NF, and he said it annoyed him a bit that it was basically one long metaphor


----------



## Deleted member 198194 (Feb 8, 2014)

ah shit i forgot to do this 

going to try to write something in the hour i have before i sleep 

if it doesn't turn out oh well, there's always next week


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## Deleted member 198194 (Feb 8, 2014)

nevermind 

i think i'll just sleep


----------



## Stunna (Feb 8, 2014)

adee said:


> *Spoiler*: _Stunna_
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah, admittedly I wasn't really sure how to end it and whatnot. I appreciate the critique.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 8, 2014)

Muchos gracias for the critique Adee, very much appreciated.


----------



## Stelios (Feb 9, 2014)

Thank you for your feedback Adee! I find it very generous tbh.
I hope you laughed in the end I reached the 499 words and I couldn't properly end it


----------



## Lucaniel (Feb 9, 2014)

didn't know what to do with that song tbh

so i wrote a weird acid trip whatever


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 9, 2014)

Philistines, all of you.

Also, unless anyone has any objections, I'll officially close the thread and we can follow, graciously, in Adee's footsteps and start rating.  Have at it!


----------



## Lucaniel (Feb 11, 2014)

righto

*mstelios*


*Spoiler*: __ 



needs some proofreading - 'didn't even gave away'. commas in the wrong places and some words use awkwardly - i guess you could 'conduct' atrocity, but it's an odd choice. 'bruizes' (_full of_ bruises? covered in bruises, surely)...oh, you made it as a troll or something. all right then, i'll leave it unrated




*tyr*


*Spoiler*: __ 



i know the initial sentence's length and multi-clause structure was a deliberate stylistic choice but it was super annoying anyways tbh. i'm not sure it always suggested a comfortable, garrulous expansiveness (which i assume was the intent) - it occasionally sounded pretty laboured

i also couldn't follow it especially well - again, i know some of this was intended, but, again, it was annoying anyways ()




*adeesh
*

*Spoiler*: __ 



couldn't follow this especially well either, though the terminology you invented reminded me of something from grant morrison/warren ellis. i think the approach of telling a snippet of a larger story set in an unfamiliar world, which both you and tyr took, is unsuited to a 500 word limit. i was left with a lot of questions and pretty cold overall




*krory*


*Spoiler*: __ 



i dunno. i mean, it was workmanlike and there was nothing especially wrong with it, but it did nothing for me




*bruce wayne *


*Spoiler*: __ 



a compilation of men? the river below them spilt its...what? the sentence tails off.

it was pretty uninspired imo, i can't comment on much of the specifics because i was disenchanted with the entire piece. not much to recommend it




*stunna*


*Spoiler*: __ 



_distinction_ is absent? the piece began to seem like thesaurus abuse around 'abysmal amalgamations' tbh, and it stayed that way throughout. adjudicating, perspiring profusely, sickness overriding by an _ailment_. eloquence is good - verbosity sometimes isn't, and this was def one of those times. the word choices seemed extremely unnatural. i might prioritise sounding natural more than most, though, so take that how you will




*dartg*


*Spoiler*: __ 



i see so many awkward word choices in people's (not yours especially, you're better than most) stuff that i'm starting to wonder if my sense is off - anyways, '_nary_ a whisper' seemed odd

you said gold three times in two sentences - that sort of repetition is best avoided imo

it was relatively short, so having the first sentences conclude the piece made that seem like padding. but it's still the first piece i actually liked 




*vegeta*


*Spoiler*: __ 



10/10




*misto*


*Spoiler*: __ 



'a very good setting for what would transpire within these walls' sounds p artificial and awkward to me, phrasing-wise

i dunno, this one left me kinda cold too. it was a bit prosaic, the references to the girl and the boy having reincarnated aside




*jaded heart*


*Spoiler*: __ 



your avatar is creepy as fuck wtf man

tantalizingly slow_ly_. _with_ measured pace. the beauty of her bud began to blossom, ehhh...sounds more weird than sexy to me. he 'presumed' to feast upon her? 'confused cerulean eyes sought out cold jade' - this is a bit much, imo. one amethyst is all right, but when you're swapping out all your blues and greens for 'ceruleans' and 'jades', the necessarily sensual and ornate tone of this piece becomes self-parodic. 'cloudy orbs' is the same sort of thing 

still tho, on a stylistic level, i felt it was occasionally pretty accomplished




*trin*


*Spoiler*: __ 



this was fun, i liked it the most




*the pirate on wheels*


*Spoiler*: __ 



got pretty muddled at paragraph 4

moved from a rather generic sort of fantasy spiel to something more abstract (which was better), but i felt like it was abstract to the point of incoherence





*ratings*

*tyr:* 4/10
*adeesh:* 5/10
*krory:* 3/10
*bruce wayne:* 2/10
*stunna:* 3/10
*dartg:* 7/10
*misto:* 5/10
*jaded heart:* 6/10
*trin:* 8/10
*the pirate on wheels:* 7/10


----------



## Lucaniel (Feb 11, 2014)

after looking at adeesh's ratings, i think it's fair to say we have a good indian/bad indian double act going


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## Stelios (Feb 11, 2014)

Lucaniel there are rules in the thread that you posted. It clearly says that you have to rate. Even if it's 0/10 you have to rate since you participated.


----------



## Lucaniel (Feb 11, 2014)

> And again: Rating, although not compulsory



lol                .


----------



## Stelios (Feb 11, 2014)

Haha so you did read them


----------



## Lucaniel (Feb 11, 2014)

yes

i always read the rules

that's...the smart approach...


----------



## Krory (Feb 11, 2014)

That was extremely helpful, thank you. :33


----------



## Stelios (Feb 11, 2014)

Lucaniel said:


> yes
> 
> i always read the rules
> 
> that's...the smart approach...



Alright. My thread was not a troll thread. I couldn't finish it as I would like because I reached the 500 word mark. Also thanks for the feedback. After reading it, it gives me perspective to work on my mistakes in the future.


----------



## Lucaniel (Feb 11, 2014)

well, in that case, i'm not sure why you ended it with a trollface gif

but okay


----------



## Stelios (Feb 11, 2014)

Because a troll jumped down in the middle of the town square and started to dance and they all laughed that day?


----------



## Stunna (Feb 11, 2014)

I'll keep the verbosity critique in mind, thanks.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 11, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _Mstelios_ 



Something like this lives and dies on whether or not it is funny. Sorry dude, it just wasn?t, or I didn?t think so at least.

For what it is worth I didn?t worry too much about the grammar and spelling or weird paragraphing going on here ? if the entry is meant to be a joke you can kinda get away with it, since it did create a very joke-y tone.

I actually think you managed to get a sense of character and conflict through pretty well despite all this, which is something of an achievement.

Still, unfortunately it just wasn?t funny.

*2/10*





*Spoiler*: _adee_ 



I like how you started this ? easing us into the story by giving us a little piece of information that made the world feel bigger but also fed thematically into the rest of the story. The casual use of never-explained titles and phrases that exist within the world and the flow of the story all create a very clear and interesting picture of a different world, without ever really telling us anything about it. This, really, is what makes it work so well ? you feed the readers imagination rather than give them images.

Amongst this all you attempt to do the same with both the conflict and the characters involved. Of the conflict this works, actually ? there?s a struggle going on for power within this fantastic land. Each of the characters has their own feelings about this.

The problem, of course, is a couple of them do get squeezed out and there are certain things that are left a bit too vague. I assumed the ?machine? would come back up again, but it didn?t. We also don?t get a clear enough picture of where everyone is connected to everyone else.

Still, really liked this one.

*7.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Krory_ 



The premise behind this one is a nice one. The ambiguity whether or not this is a man who, in the wait for his execution, keeps dreaming of his execution or whether or not he is actually in hell.

I like the way you try and build a very complete sense of the world through use of smells and sounds, but I think you spend far too much time doing it. The audience gets a fairly clear picture of the surroundings early on in the piece, and you just keep stacking new and unnecessary images on there. Once the audience has gotten a good fix on where you are, to continue to add little details slows the piece down and makes it feel like it isn?t going anywhere.

The tone, too, doesn?t quite work. The narrator seems to be going through this experience with a sense of wry bitterness, sarcastic resignation ? it?s not quite in keeping with actually hellishness. There?s a distractedness to the narrative voice that makes it difficult to properly invest in what should be a terrible situation. I?m not saying that it necessarily needs to overwrought, but it needs to be tweaked somewhat to make the story effective.

Still, I do like the idea and I do like the way you?ve concentrated on sensory descriptors.

*6/10*





*Spoiler*: _Bruce Wayne_ 



Watch your tense ? there were moments where it looked like you slipped into present tense on purpose, but really the only effect you have is to make the story a bit more awkward to read. ?And so the battle begins? is no more effective than ?And so the battle had begun?, but it is more distracting when the piece is in past.

Really, you try to give us an epic, sweeping view over the world and as such lend the conflict a sense of scale. There?s little hints at mythology and even a struggle between good and evil. The problem is, everything is just skimmed over. You don?t give us enough to get a good picture of the world, or feel the weight of conflict.

You also give us the middle of a story, and you don?t really make it work unfortunately. It seems that, if this is a story you wanted to tell in FF format, you probably should have found a way to make it more self-contained.

I admire the ambition, and it?s definitely possible to paint a sweeping, epic picture of a world with few words, the problem is you?ve not played upon connotations and implications enough.

*4.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Stunna_ 



At the start your narrator states ?For my crimes, I am sure to be condemned; but before I am, it should be known that I am innocent of all charges of which I am accused.? This something we never really get a good handle on ? condemned how? What crimes has the narrator been accused of. Presumably this piece is about guilt, as it gets slightly repetitive about people around him, but we never know enough about the guilt to really buy into it.

Was the raven meant as a symbol of death? That?s the man?s condemnation? I?m afraid this one is just too arch, too vague, to really ever have any sort of impact. You never help us to understand the internal struggles that man is going through.

Big words are okay if they create a specific impact, but kill the phrase ?perspiring profusely?. With fire if possible. The tone never quite straightens out, and there are moments of awkward phrasing that also need ironing out.

On the positive, I did think the idea of a raven just popping up and him fixating on it had potential, if we had enough context to make some sort of sense of it, could have been a chilling and interesting moment.

*5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Nightbringer_ 



Bookending ? very nice.

It was a dark and stormy night?actually, clich?d as that is, I like it as a device for opening a story. It can be effective and fun, plus it immediately lets the readers know where they stand. I don?t like the idea of the sky ?upturned? though ? too confusing an image for prose I reckon. The effectiveness of the opening is also hurt by the amount you talk about sounds too, it seems repetitive the way you?ve presented it.

There?s a decent story in here, but really you need to give us more. We never get enough information or time to become invested in the scenario. I mean, at the very least we should learn something about the people in the room. Is it meant to be a mystery or a horror? Both I?d imagine, but without more information it can effectively be neither.

I like the lack of description around the beast. Was exactly the right way to play it.

*6/10*





*Spoiler*: _Mist Puppet_ 



Damn. Not much negative to be said here ? chilling and disturbing. The way you made the wee boy accept his fate before it happened was particularly disturbing. I like what you did with the father and the way you give us enough hints to fill out a larger picture.

I would say that characterising her as feeling ?a sense of dread? doesn?t really mesh with the rest of the piece. To call her excited, maybe, would have made a bit more sense. The narrative voice was a little bit on the bland side altogether really ? it lacked the sense of character that might have made this a proper knock-out flash fic. A couple of pieces of awkward phrasing and unnecessary wording in there too, but really that being pedantic. Very strong piece.

*8/10*





*Spoiler*: _Jaded Heart_ 



The style in this one teeters. At the risk of looking hypocritical, alliteration wasn?t your friend here. The purple prose doesn?t work on the whole, it just seems to be trying too hard ? not a moment goes by where you aren?t trying to emphasize the sensuality and lust, and the result is to lessen the impact. Too many adjectives all telling you the same thing. There?s something about really adjective heavy sex scenes which threaten to boil over into parody ? to be fair, yours doesn?t quite go that far.

It?s a nice idea though, and you do manage to maintain the intensity whilst also making the change in the tone clear. I like the way story changes for one thing to the other and the parallels you draw between both.

*5.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Trinity_ 



More how-to manuals should be written in quasi-poetry.

This has rhythm. It?s got a bite. The way you so coldly talk about the act of dismemberment and murder, and the brutally pragmatic way in which you talk about the apparatus and chemicals just makes this piece all the more horrific, yet you manage to convey character very well too. Impressive piece.

*8.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _The Pirate on Wheels_ 



This one didn?t engage me. It?s written with care, and is quite unusual stylistically, but I found it difficult to find a point at which to actually get into the story. Stylistically you?ve used forced redundancies a couple of times, and I don?t think they?ve worked. The run-on sentences, too, I found distracting rather than effective. The dream-like tone, however, mixed with a dash of fantasticalness has worked fairly well.

It all gets a bit too abstract towards the end ? maybe I?m not getting it, but it just seems like the journey you take the characters ends like that for no good reason. It doesn?t naturally flow through tones and ideas, so the ending just left me confused and unsatisfied.

This is too well put together and is too interesting an idea for me to score you too harshly, but this one just really didn?t do it for me.

*6/10*





*Spoiler*: _Lucaniel_ 



For me this was the piece that best seemed to capture the tone of the music ? strange and interesting surroundings, beautiful and dangerous. The environment is carefully drawn and the narrative voice conveys that with a well-balanced sense of wonder and fear.

I like the mystery of the surroundings, but less so the mystery of the character. They seem to be a vehicle for this strange forest, but the little hints you drop in about the narrator seems fruitless. We lack anyway of figuring anything out about them, and as such what we do learn about them is a bit of a waste.

This is ultimately what kinda limits the piece too ? it?s a glimpse of a surroundings only.

*7/10*


----------



## Krory (Feb 11, 2014)

Yeah, in retrospect it was pretty slow and dull. I usually get carried away and try to add too much and I thought I held myself back this time but instead I just added too much of something else. 

Thanks for the input. Hopefully I can suck a bit less next contest. :33


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 12, 2014)

danke everyone who reviewed mine.

will take it into consideration.


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## Stelios (Feb 12, 2014)

I realize now that the picture in the end confused everyone about my real intentions. I ll keep that in mind and work more seriously on the next one. Thanks for reviewing. I will try to give some feedback to the other entries as well however if I don't it's because I find that mine pales in comparison


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 13, 2014)

Sorry for my absence.

The Flu is a bitch.

We can probably get a few more reviews out before we go ahead and tally, unless we're fairly sure this is all we'll get.  Either works for me.  My Codeine influenced madness would make for poor reviews, so I'll have to bow out this time.


----------



## Mist Puppet (Feb 13, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _mstelios_ 



Well, there's quite a bit of grammar problems. Missing commas and wonky sentence structure

Despite that, I thought it was building up to something interesting. And then the ending happened. If it was supposed to be humorous, it failed. 

Not to say that the idea couldn't have worked. It just wasn't successfully done in this instance. 

Rating: 2/10





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 



I enjoyed this story. It was descriptive without going completely overboard. I'm not a fan of the first person POV but in this story, it works. 

It was a bit hard to follow though. I had to read it a couple of times to grasp what was going on. 

Rating: 8/10





*Spoiler*: _adee_ 



The world building is really great. There's a lot of mystery in the story, which is both good and bad. Good because the character's motivations are vague but contribute to something huge, which creates anticipation. Bad because there's a lot of terms and stuff referenced that seem specific to this world that has little or no explanation. Slightly dampens my enjoyment

Rating: 8/10





*Spoiler*: _krory_ 



A decent story with a few hiccups ("Though this certainly isn't the first time my eventual death led only to apathy. I'm hardly surprised." I think these two sentences should have been combined).

Not a fan of the first person POV in this story, though due to the nature of the story, it works. I also think the tone of the narrator doesn't really add up to the realization at the end. Though I did get a bit of a eureka moment at the end and the smell of burnt hair (Not sure if that was what you were going for, but i enjoyed it). 

Rating: 6/10





*Spoiler*: _Bruce Wayne_ 



Had to do a double take because the two main characters had very similar names  

Everything seems rushed. You give us snippets of the world, legends, and the characters, but there's no substance in those words. The story could definitely stand to be fleshed out more.

Rating: 4/10





*Spoiler*: _Stunna_ 



There are ideas you introduce but never touch upon. What are his crimes? What was the crow all about? I assume by the reactions of the crowd that the crow means something, but there's not much to go on besides that. Does it mean something? Does it even mean anything? A missed opportunity. 

Your story is ladden with large words, which doesn't work in this story for two reasons: it hurts the flow of the story, and the narrator doesn't come off as an intellectual. 

Rating: 5/10





*Spoiler*: _Nightbringer_ 



Short and simple. You give enough details to the reader to give them an idea of what was going on, and let them draw themselves to the obvious conclusion. There's a few instances where the sentences don't read very well, and I'd like to know exactly what kind of people were in room 201. But overall, a fairly enjoyable story. 

Rating: 7/10





*Spoiler*: _Jaded Heart_ 



The descriptions really carry the story, as they paint the picture rather effectively. I dislike using the term "orbs" to describe eyes (unless they are actually orbs), as it just feels weird and out of place. I think you could have added a lot more to the story while still keeping the mystery. 

Rating: 6/10





*Spoiler*: _Trinity_ 



Chilling. You really take us on a ride inside the narrator's twisted head with the first person POV. Just an overall joy to read.

Rating: 9/10





*Spoiler*: _PoW_ 



I got a very whimsical and fantastical tone from the story, especially towards the end. And speaking of ends, the ending was a little confusing. A weird departure from the rest of the story. 

A few run-on sentences, but the story was well crafted. Just confusing. 

Rating: 7/10





*Spoiler*: _Lucaniel_ 



Your focus on the surroundings shows; the descriptions were well done and the way the narrator interacts with them is both weird and interesting. The narrator lacks any real presence in the story, and I wish they had more of a purpose than just showing us the setting. 

Rating: 7/10


----------



## Stunna (Feb 13, 2014)

Much obliged.


----------



## Krory (Feb 13, 2014)

Thanks, Mist - and yes, that _is_ what I was going for.  Glad someone got it.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 14, 2014)

Might as well.


*Spoiler*: _mstelios_ 



I feel like your tense jumps around all over the place and I think your phrasing could use some work. I also can't really identify with the characters, which I'm pretty sure is what you were aiming at here. Not enough is done with the relationships and not enough is explained for me to truly empathise with anyone.

Also might just be because of NF but your structure was really weird.

Overall: *4/10*

I've seen better, but I've also seen worse.





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 



Pretty interesting to read but I have one big gripe with it, namely the ending. This is probably incredibly subjective but I'm not really a fan of ending it like that, I understand why you did it and the effect it creates but it still feels off to read imo.

Still, you did an admirable job of establishing your world within 500 words like that, I get a sense of a vast universe out there which I only glimpse but it doesn't leave me in a place wanting more so good job there.

*7/10*





*Spoiler*: _adee_ 



Maybe this is just me but I find it hard to follow all these terms that you introduce, especially the whole Anklet and faithhope paradigm thing. I think it's kind of dropped onto the reader without much of an explanation



> one pretty much expected self hypnosis to kick in.



this line strikes me as a bit out of sync with the rest of your first paragraph for some reason, not sure really.



> his face leaning on his arms, lost so in thought that he didn't notice the pain in his jaw from putting constant pressure on his chin.



lost so in thought doesn't really sound right to my ears, might be that you were going for a king of archaic poetic type thing in which case I can see it but that's not the feeling I get.

Likewise I think there's a bit of an overemphasis on his face, chin, jaw what have you, I feel like the reader would understand what you meant without typing out a similar meaning word three times so quickly in succession.

In the end I feel a big problem is that, although similar to Tyrael's in that it appears to be a fragment of a larger story, yours cannot really stand on its own quite as well, not as self contained imo.

*6/10*





*Spoiler*: _Krory_ 



Overall what jumps out to me is that the story doesn't really try to take itself anywhere exciting (could say this about some others as well perhaps). This is a problem I think because your story is such a small glimpse of the larger life of the protagonist, taking up maybe a 10 minute period at most.

There's also some technical errors like I think you left the "of" out of "smell of poverty" and perhaps some odd phrasing on a few occasions.

I think the ending is interesting, repetition is something I like to see.

*6.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Bruce Wayne_ 



I don't want to come across as mean here but right off the bat I'm a little weary of this story, mostly because it's titled Battle of Sage Mountain. I mean it's fine to title things but Battle of Sage Mountain just comes across as cliche and a bit meh really.

I also feel like your work might need a once over or something along those lines, some bits and pieces jump out at me as not right which would be good to get rid of.

Overall your work has that kind of high fantasy feel ingrained in it, honestly it is a little hard to take seriously, but I think that's because of my mood at the moment so whatever, that can work when done well is basically the point here but I feel you've not accomplished that so in practise it only hurts your piece.

Finally in a piece that seems to be about the ultimate clashing of a tolkein esque good vs evil having the two opposing commanders fly into the air and engage in dbz type combat feels a bit off.

*5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Stunna_ 



I'm not sure why but I like this, your style is very nice to read to me, so you've kind of got that going for you from the beginning.

I'm gonna tell you something similar but different to what I told Krory, it's something that I've taken into my own writing (or at least tried to), when you're writing a character driven short story something to do with that character needs to happen, they need to change, to understand something new about the world in the end that they didn't know at the beginning, etc.

I think it's nice to read but I worry that nothing much happens, it's very basically just a glimpse into this guys life, we're not even really sure what's going on, just that he's been accused of something or other and appears to be running from it.

*6.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _me_ 



10/10 golf claps all around do you do autopgrahs sign my baby





*Spoiler*: _Misto_ 



First off



> Many times has her father taken her to this place, and shown her experiences that would have shattered the innocence of any other girl.



is weirdly phrased, I know what it means but I have to think about it a bit more than I perhaps should for such a relatively meaningless sentence.



> She persevered. Her innocence was reserved for someone else.



This had me concerned as to the direction of the story btw 



> The noose around his neck dug itself deeper into his neck



this is a little bit superfluous.

in any case a somewhat disturbing vignette though my impression is that this is somewhat of a reincarnation cycle or something along those lines which kinda takes away from the killer loli aspect.

*7/10*





*Spoiler*: _Jaded Heart_ 



that avatar 

I feel like I'm reading porn here, might be just me but I think that kind of stuff is against the rules? Just a warning for next time I guess.

Not much I can really say about this one honestly so uh

*6/10*





*Spoiler*: _Trinity_ 



eleventy billion out of ten.

brilliant really, out of all the flash fiction entries this is the one that sticks in my mind as something beyond the pale.

feel like I should say more but whatever








eleventy billion is my actual vote in case anyone was wondering...





*Spoiler*: _Wheeled Pirate_ 



honestly I'm not in any state of mind to really dig into the meaning behind this so I'm just gonna say good work on the technical aspects as far as I can see.

fuck these reviews are getting worse as I go aren't they?

*6.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Luc_ 



this is psychedelic as fuck, I feel like it'd make a good short movie without dialogue and just pretty colours and stuff.

well written and stuff, I especially enjoy your descriptions which seem to make up the bulk of our piece so yeah.

worst so far but I kinda want to be done sorry. 

*7/10*


----------



## Garfield (Feb 14, 2014)

I know it's really -idiotically even- presumptuous of me, but there was a reason I'd named the characters what I'd named them lol.

Please don't read before you give me rating:


*Spoiler*: __ 



Artha, Karma and Sama have meaning according to classical Hindu mythology; Artha is associated with "meaning, purpose, cause, motion", hence me bringing her up in context to redefining the meaning people associated with their life in that universe; Karma is associated with "the sum of one's actions" loosely speaking...hence he is associated with results of certain set of actions taken; Sama is associated with "just governance, equality, justice, ethical, central" and so she comes in at the end, being the center of the shit about to go down, possibly resulting in her being the arbiter. 
Monar, derived from Monarch is obviously the one who has the crown, but is the highest "authority" just by name. In other words, ends up being puppet of the hidden powerful hand. 

The class variable in any program is a variable associated with the entire class of objects created by the program, in essence, is shared by them all and only a single copy exists. Class variables can be used to keep-the-balance so to speak 

The method variable is where the actual meat and action is at. it is analogous to the executive branch of a government, the authority that actually has the opportunity to deeply entrench their power, even if it isn't known popularly.

137 degrees is the smaller arc approximately, that you will get were you to divide a circle into two angular pies of the Golden Ratio. The other is about 223 degrees. It meant that the pie had been divided and the ratio was golden, however, 137 is also a strong prime, in that it is greater than the mean of it's neighboring primes, which I symbolized to mean that the one at the mean would be at a greater standpoint than the other two amongst the three (Artha, Sama and Karma)




However I don't want this information to affect your rating of me, hence the warning :3


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 14, 2014)

i'd _like_ to review, very much so, but i don't know if i can review on time

is reviewing after the contest alright, too, though?

thank you for the crits and comments, all of you, i hope to return the favor soon enough, but we shall see, it's still appreciated


----------



## Garfield (Feb 14, 2014)

Sure, at the very least give your scores, you can review when and as you want.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 14, 2014)

adee said:


> I know it's really -idiotically even- presumptuous of me, but there was a reason I'd named the characters what I'd named them lol.
> 
> Please don't read before you give me rating:
> 
> ...



     .


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Feb 14, 2014)

I will try to get my reviews in later tonight.  I've already read all the entries, I just need to organize my thoughts on them.


----------



## Krory (Feb 17, 2014)

Really sorry, spent the last three days sort of... y'know. Otherwise enabled. I'll try to get some reviews out.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 18, 2014)

Ratings thus far-










stunna
mstelios
jaded heart

Please post your ratings without reviews so we can close this contest and move to new one. You can do the reviews at your own pace thereafter. Thank you 

Current average scores:
mstelios: 4.
Tyrael: 6.9
adee: 6.8
krory: 6.2
Bruce Wayne: 4.4
Stunna: 6.6
Nightbringer: 6.7
Mist Puppet: 7.4
Jaded Heart: 6.2
Trinity: 9
Pirate on Wheels: 6.8
Lucaniel: 7.55


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 18, 2014)

"Please post your ratings without reviews so we can close this contest and move to new one"


> Rating, *although not compulsory*, is highly, highly recommended.


i'll attempt, but i'm quite distracted


----------



## Krory (Feb 18, 2014)

Right away, Boskov.

mstelios - 6.5/10

Tyrael - 7.5/10

adee - 7/10

krory - 0/10

Bruce Wayne - 4.5/10

Stunna - 6/10

Nightbringer - 7/10

Vegeta - 11/10

Mist Puppet - 8/10

Jaded Heart - 6/10

Trinity - 9/10

Pirate on Wheels - 7/10

Lucaniel - 8/10


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 18, 2014)

dem some sexy numbers

Adee gon' tally 'em, though.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 18, 2014)

mstelios - 5.6/10

tyrael - 7.3/10

adee - 6.5/10

stunna - 6/10

nightbringer - 6.2/10

bruce wayne - 6.7/10

vegeta - 99. there are imperfections and neglect to properly 'polish' your piece.

mist puppet - 7/10

jaded heart - 5.9/10

pirate on wheels - 7/10

lucaniel - 7.3/10

my ratings probably don't match my thoughts, appropriately, but w/e


----------



## Krory (Feb 18, 2014)

I don't know what's worse.

Trinity not rating me, or Tyrael forgetting Nightbringer.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 18, 2014)

oh SHIT SON MY BAD
7.1/10


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 18, 2014)

Taken 'em down again actually - if we're just going with scores, might get a few more in pretty quickly.


----------



## Bruce Wayne (Feb 19, 2014)

mstelios - 6/10

Tyrael - 7/10

adee - 8/10

krory - 7.5/10

Bruce Wayne - 0/10

Stunna - 7/10

Nightbringer - 7.8/10

Vegeta - 10/10

Mist Puppet - 8.5/10

Jaded Heart - 6.5/10

Trinity - 9/10

Pirate on Wheels - 8/10

Lucaniel - 9/10


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Feb 19, 2014)

I feel like all of my reviews came off with an air of pretense and douchery, so if it sounds that way to you, and hopefully it doesn't, know that I'm sorry and don't mean it and don't look down on any of you.  We're all just writers.  Even Vegeta.

*mstelios 5/10* 


*Spoiler*: __ 



The ending didn't work for me.  Neither as a switch, or as joke, or as a gotcha, and that killed a lot of it.  I also didn't feel much connection to the song.  5 out of 10 means that I consider it at least worth my time to have read once.




*Tyrael 7/10* 


*Spoiler*: __ 



It was well written, for the most part, and I liked the abrupt ending.  You jumped around from high fantasy to lower, and generally around, but I'm not really docking for that because the song did the same thing with me, and overall, we're supposed to write what the song inspired.  It just meanders on descriptions, that while alright to read, aren't really something I expect a hurried person fearing his quick demise to focus on in his confession.  So while I liked the descriptions and writing, and I like the narrator and his end, I feel like the two good points are at odds with each other, and thus a lower score.




*adee 6.5/10* 

Will hopefully get more into later.  
*Spoiler*: __ 



The reason it's low is not because it's bad, it's well written.  But it's low because it honestly feels like it's a fragment of a larger piece.  A good fragment, but one that doesn't shine until you see it within a chapter, in the greater context it seems to allude to.  (By the way, I loved how you were able to do that.)  It's probably because you couldn't really get into the prompt that you meandered, and spent more time setting up for the really interesting scenes that would probably happen later, than being able to deliver something complete and fulfilling in 500 words.  If you'd had another 500-1000 words to continue on as you did, it probably would have really hooked me, and it probably would have read as a 9/10 story, so don't take this personally.




*krory 7/10*


*Spoiler*: __ 



I didn't find it predictable of literal.  But that's probably because I got a totally different vibe from the story.  It has a few issues with repetition, and unneeded sentences and words that bother me.  I personally don't like information being restated, because it's like spinning in a circle when I'd like to be lead further down the road.  If that makes sense.  Usually I'm not so harsh, but it really messed up the reveal for me.

"As the guard unlocks the cell door to retrieve me, I know there's no use praying.

It hits me: I'm already in hell."

"It hits me:" broke the sentence flow for me, and made the reveal feel unnatural.  If it had said,

"As the guard unlocks the cell door to retrieve me, I know there's no use praying.

I'm already in hell."

I would have went, "Oooooh."  Or even if it had come sooner.

"As the guard unlocks the cell door, it hits me. I know there's no use praying.

I'm already in hell."

Or even cutting more out.

"As the guard unlocks the cell door, it hits me.

I'm already in hell."

Like with mstelios, if you're going to have a big ending, it needs to be crafted, re-read, played with, and tweaked to give just the right impact.  You almost had it, and unlike Tyrael, who also had it, your entire story was building up to it and portraying a story that worked with the ending, with lots of proper foreshadowing, and other good stuff, even if your entry is less technically sophisticated than other entries.




*Bruce Wayne  4.5/10*


*Spoiler*: __ 



I liked the idea.  I feel like you had a good story, and a good idea, and some inspiration that went with the song, but when you finished writing it down it didn't turn out like you wanted.  I found it hard to keep track of who was who, and it jumped a lot between general scenes, and specific scenes, and one on one interactions, and the sentence breaks and structure didn't lend itself to any flow.  There were also a lot of grammatical issues I feel like could have been caught with a re-read.  

Had you re-read it, maybe re-written, or polished it, or it would have come out how you liked, I think it would have been a much more highly rated entry, and I think you know that too.  Of course, sometimes things just don't jive, and that's really discouraging.  The key in writing is not to be discouraged, and to keep buffing and shining and trying, instead of giving up.  I hope you come back, and that the next prompt, or the next attempt agrees with you more, because even thought I gave it a low score, I do genuinely like the idea behind it, and think it could have been a good story.  Also you're Batman.




*Stunna  8/10*


*Spoiler*: __ 





Everything is beautiful and intricate and poetic and then I hit this.

"As I run, I could swear that these assholes deliberately slow me down..."

In the context of everything else, it doesn't fit.

The ending also changes tense, and throws me off.  Overall, it really pins the anxious fearful angry persona and point of view.  That you left his crimes unsaid adds a layer of doubt as to whether it's all in his head, or he really is guilty and being judged by people, like he's got some kind of scarlet letter.  I know you say it sucks, but I really liked it, and the way you did it.  If it just had a little oomph at the ending, it would have been excellent, instead of just great to read.




Continued in


----------



## Krory (Feb 19, 2014)

*And Vegeta murders the competition.*


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 19, 2014)

the list is now, what

adee
lucaniel
tyrael
mist puppet
nightbringer
krory
trinity
bruce wayne
pirate on wheels (50%)

is that enough, or

and i recall mstelios warning us about the chances of him rating are 50/50 give or take, if he feels like such a thing is appropriate 

not sure about stunna, he just seems to enjoy chilling

and jaded heart i think basically popped in and out


----------



## Stunna (Feb 19, 2014)

I'll rate/review if necessary, but while initially writing I was under the assumption that I would not need to. Not a very good critic of these things.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 19, 2014)

i don't believe it to be a life or death thing or the necessary thing to get maximum amount of reviews in, so, i think you're safe


----------



## Garfield (Feb 19, 2014)

Will go ahead and tally-hoe it all up tomorrow, so maybe hopefully, this weekend or something we can restart  


Current average scores (num_ratings):
mstelios: 4.0 (9)
Tyrael: 6.9 (8)
adee: 6.8 (8)
krory: 6.2 (8)
Bruce Wayne: 4.4 (8)
Stunna: 6.6 (7)
Nightbringer: 6.7 (7)
Mist Puppet: 7.4 (7)
Jaded Heart: 6.2 (7)
Trinity: 9 (7)
Pirate on Wheels: 6.8 (7)
Lucaniel: 7.55 (6)


----------



## Krory (Feb 19, 2014)

Shit, son - Trin killed it.


----------



## Stelios (Feb 19, 2014)

Trin killed it literally. I m wondering if she's a doctor or a serial killer already


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 19, 2014)

trinity should average out to slightly less than 16 billion

good work tallying


----------



## Krory (Feb 19, 2014)

At least I wasn't last place, but then again one of the few people below me everyone thought was just trolling entirely. 

Still, aside from the troll bit I thought yours was pretty groovy, Mephistopheles.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 19, 2014)

Luc with a surprising second place.


----------



## Lucaniel (Feb 19, 2014)

surprising??????

fight me adeesh


----------



## Krory (Feb 19, 2014)

Trinity: 9 (7)
Lucaniel: 7.55 (6)
Mist Puppet: 7.4 (7)
Tyrael: 6.9 (8)
adee: 6.8 (8)
Pirate on Wheels: 6.8 (7)
Nightbringer: 6.7 (7)
Stunna: 6.6 (7)
krory: 6.2 (8)
Jaded Heart: 6.2 (7)
Bruce Wayne: 4.4 (8)
mstelios: 4.0 (9)

Put in order of highest-scoring for ease for some people - though yeah, just temporary since someone might swoop in and do more. 

I'm shit with math so I forget if on a tied score if the person with fewer or more ratings should be on top. Not that it matters much since our top 3 dominated.

I thought Tyrael would squeak in to the top 3 but for the most part our top 4 is what I figured it would be (not necessarily in order). Not very surprising to see them up there - what _is_ surprising is the gap between first and second. 

*And now you can stop saying yours sucked, Nighty. *

Good show, everyone (even though it's not over yet!).


----------



## Nordstrom (Feb 19, 2014)

Now, would you guys open R2? I was going to participate but, late... as always


----------



## Krory (Feb 19, 2014)

Although not officially over I think we can agree perhaps Trinity should start thinking ahead of a prompt (actually I forget - is it like others where the winner picks, or a joint thing?)


----------



## Jaded Heart (Feb 19, 2014)

Congrats to Trinity ~

For the next Flash Fiction Contest I will definitely do reviews. It also only occurred to me just now that I should have/should probably subscribe to this thread, for future reference and what not.

Here's to putting more effort into my next submission


----------



## Krory (Feb 19, 2014)

I keep trying to use the excuse that it's been a year since I wrote anything to explain the low quality of my work... but that's no excuse.  And my last one was about the same quality.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 19, 2014)

Cool beans.

I think it's fine if anyone wants to post some critiques later, but for now I think we can carry on with Round 2 and get the thread up relatively soon.


----------



## Krory (Feb 19, 2014)

Ossum possum.

So is it up to Trinity, as winner, to come up with a prompt or is it a joint effort? I don't really remember from last time. Not sure how different it runs from stuff like SotW.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 19, 2014)

Winner picks the new topic, traditionally.

It's usually better this way since we can never come to a consensus on things anyways.


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Feb 19, 2014)

Ratings continued.

*Vegeta  8/10*


*Spoiler*: __ 



The set up and execution was almost perfect, only I didn't read this in Vegeta's voice.  Minus 2 points.




*Nightbringer  5/10*


*Spoiler*: __ 





There's a lot of minor stuff that I think you could have caught if you'd read through it aloud, and while by themselves they're not much, they add up to break your mood and atmosphere, and bring down your good points.

Like just off the opening.

"Slick windows rattled and floorboards creaked and all through the hotel people dreamt."

The details are good, the image is good, but a lack of commas makes me rush through this sentence and not appreciate it.  

"Slick windows rattled and floorboards creaked, and all through the hotel people dreamt."

You could add another comma, or break it up into two sentences, or whatever, but it already reads better, because even that small break makes you stop and think and imagine what you're describing.  Reading through it again, I now understand that it's raining outside, and I get an image of a creepy old hotel in a storm, instead of whatever some nice hotel on a dreary night.

I'm also not one for unneeded repetition in sentences.  An example.

"They were a brilliant gold, and the man knew that if he were to check they would be solid gold, a small fortune lay on his desk."

Gold is used twice, and it detracts.  

"They were a brilliant gold, and the man knew that if he were to check they would be solid, a small fortune lay on his desk."

That might actually need a semi-colon, but whatever.  The point is, you still get that it's a pile of gold coins, the sentence loses a word, and it becomes more fun because you get to go "Ooooh  gold."  That's minor stuff, and subjective, but that little change just makes the sentence shine.

You start doing more of that here:

"A head was cocked, an arm reached out, a button was pressed and elevator doors chimed open."

So it's not something you don't know how to do, it's just something you weren't doing.  But you could have.

Overall, the idea for the story was alright.  A monster bribes a guy to let him glow zap people in a hotel room.  I don't know why the monster is doing it, or how, or anything else.  The point you emphasize is that it's happening while people are sleeping, and there is horror is terrible things happened right next to you while you're completely unaware, but play on that in exchange for exploring other details and points, and the manager's paragraph gets more dedication and feels more solid than the point you seem to want to make.  On top of that, spacing and punctuation issues take away emphasis from the sleeping horror parts when you do try to stress it, so it winds up feeling very flat.

If you fixed up the wording and commas and such to place proper emphasis, it would be a 6/10.  If you decided what aspects and themes you really wanted to focus on, and honed them, honed in on them, it would be a 7/10.  If you've noticed the other ratings, I really liked and enjoyed 7/10 stories, so it would have been a very possible task to have gotten a strong rating.




*Mist Puppet 9.5/10*


*Spoiler*: __ 



Holy guacamole.  This was fantastic.  Technically speaking, there were very, very few errors or issues I had with this, and you style, form, word choice, sentencing, execution, it was all on point to deliver exactly what you wanted.  Which in this case was a Higurashi/Gosai Yuuno type little serial killing abused yandere type story that sucked me in.  The details, and phrasing, were so real and believable that I felt like I was in the basement.  A regular, real, basement, with real people.  It had an air o the fantastic, or it felt like it was on the border and might move into that, but the fact that it remained in a horrifying reality made it even creepier, by not allowing me to dismiss any of it as wizardry.  

What you do, in a terrifying way, is set up the story so that you're not just telling us what happen.  You leave us enough information to build the situation, and then give us another simple detail that lets us draw our own conclusion.  Like here.

"She did not move her lips away, even as she kicked the chair away from under his feet."

Oh, there was rope, he's on a chair, she's kissing him, and she kicked away the -OH GOD.
And then you just carry on with another vivid image to compound that.  

"Even as Ronald trashed about and clawed for breath." 



"Even as his body grew limp and cold." 

:S

"She wanted to stay like this forever." 



Just.  Fantastic.  




*Jaded Heart  5.5/10*


*Spoiler*: __ 



This should probably be a 6/10 because I liked the twist, but you hit a lot of my peeves with prose.  An scene like this relies heavily on engaging your audience with beautiful descriptions, and close reading, to pull them into the world, and mistakes or phrasings that pull them out of it ruin the mood.  

Orbs are not sexy.  "Eyes" is a very nice sounding word.  Orbs is not.  

"Amethyst material", made me think the sheets were made of rocks.  Which made me think they were doing it on sheet rock.  Which...yeah.  Amethyst colored material would have been good though, even if the complexity of gemstones makes me spend a bit more time pondering the blankets than I think I should.

But please, lay off the rocks.

"Confused cerulean eyes sought out cold jade."

They're kind of abstract, and carry a lot of other connotations I don't think you really want in these scenes.  

Here's an example where I think you did it right.

"he searched that dark green gaze "

It's simple, it's deep, it's lovely, and it speaks the situation and pulls me into the scene, rather than forcing me to step back and analyze what's happening.  


This was also good:

"a prickling sensation enveloped his lips; the foreign feeling briefly halting him in his ruthless assault on her supple skin. "

This bothered me too.

"feast upon her ravenously"

I'm not sure how else you feast.  It's redundant in a not good way.

However, weirdly, "ravenously feast", comes off as sounding okay to me.  Possibly because it just flows better even though it's still redundant.


*Things I'm tired of that aren't really your fault, but I still hate them.*

I'm tired of reading stock phrases like "familiar warmth", in sex scenes.  

Flower imagery.  

"Sinfully sweet nectar",  "her bud beginning to blossom", ect.    



So, the fic is half and half.  Half of it has good, refreshing, adult prose that draw me into the scene and moment, while the other half falls back on amateur stock and cliche purple prose that pull me out of it.  Unfortunately, the latter is what predominates this facet of writing, and what inspires most writers to copy that style.  You, on the other hand, can definitely do it better than that, because half of it was way above all that.  So if you cut the bad, and went with just the good, I'd have a sensual scene I'd like.  For once.  So the grading was 10 points for the good, minus 5 for the stuff I hate, plus 1 for having a cool back stabbing ending, and -.5 for my heart being jaded by years on FF.net spent scrolling past cerulean orbs.




*Trinity 9/10*


*Spoiler*: __ 



Ooh, nice.  And squick.  This is writing that makes you squirm, and jump, and cringe.  The machete was...oh the machete... Please tell you didn't actually kidnap someone and chop them up in your bathtub to write this.

The style, tone, cadence, paragraphing, punctuation, imagery, descriptions, voice, format, and everything was just exactly what it needed to be, bonded with squicky horror.  

There's so much I could say, and so many parts I could pull out and point to what you did that's amazing, but honestly, I don't want to look at it again.  It deserves it, but, no.  I recall there being a couple parts that I didn't think were quite right, but I also don't want to go look for them.  I tried.  But.  I can't.  Please don't kill me.




Mist Puppet's is like a train wreck* you can't help but watch.

Trinity's is like a murder scene you never want to go back to.

*The good kind of train wreck.  The horrifying moment kind.


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Feb 19, 2014)

I gave Stunna a rating on the previous post.  Be sure to include it, as it's a rather high one.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 19, 2014)

Lucaniel said:


> surprising??????
> 
> fight me adeesh


----------



## Garfield (Feb 20, 2014)

Final average scores (num_ratings):

*Trinity: 9 (8)* Winrar
_Lucaniel: 7.55 (6)_ Not so winrar
_Mist Puppet: 7.45 (8)_ Pity winrar


Tyrael: 6.9 (8)
Stunna: 6.8 (8)
adee: 6.8 (8)
Pirate on Wheels: 6.8 (7)
Nightbringer: 6.5 (8)
krory: 6.2 (8)
Jaded Heart: 6.1 (8)
Bruce Wayne: 4.4 (8)
mstelios: 4.0 (9)


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 20, 2014)

well that was actually kinda fun.


----------



## Krory (Feb 20, 2014)

*I told you.*


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Feb 20, 2014)

Oops.  I didn't rate Lucaniel.

Look at that massive tie for 5th place.  I haven't seen such mid-tier balancing since Soul Calibur II.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 20, 2014)

You guys are free to provide suggestions to Trinity to think about for next time by the way. 

I actually have one weird suggestion to make-

So maybe not for this time, I was wondering if we could maybe attempt some kind of a flash non-fic. The basic premise being you're given some topic like 'Time' and you have to write an intriguing non-fic related to your own interpretation of the word AND some good research on it. Research doesn't require to be overly extensive considering we only have 500 words to work with, so obviously it won't be that much more time consuming. But it gives the thing a touch of reality as well, imo and we all get to learn so much more about perspectives. 
Iono sounds like a weird idea, but what do you guys think?


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Feb 20, 2014)

Something to show our philosophical perceptions?


----------



## Krory (Feb 20, 2014)

That sounds like a pretty cool idea but not something particularly for me so while I might be interested in reading those, I probably wouldn't participate in that. Non-fic is not really up my alley.

Not that it should stop you folks from going outside the box.

Then again _maybe_ it might have to do with the prompt.


----------



## Bringer (Feb 20, 2014)

Just saw Adee's comment in the roleplay section.

If you do another FlashFiction Contest count me in :33


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Feb 20, 2014)

Maybe we can try to write an interesting extended super fight, or hookin' battle scene, as was talked about in the Aspiring Writer's thread.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 20, 2014)

suggestions are as follows

'grammar', 'minimalism', 'jess', an emotion, whirlwinds, a decade


----------



## Garfield (Feb 20, 2014)

Trinity said:


> suggestions are as follows
> 
> 'grammar', 'minimalism', 'jess', an emotion, whirlwinds, a decade


lol good suggestions, but you really don't need to give suggestions though considering it's going to be your decision  Not like we'd object...


----------



## Krory (Feb 20, 2014)

Hm. I'm curious how/what "grammar" would play out as. 

But "minimalism" sounds like it could be cool.  And depending on the emotion (unless you were saying the actual prompt is just an emotion, so people could pick their own - that'd be nifty as well).


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 20, 2014)

haven't really made my mind up, quite too well 

wanting to find something suitable for you guys aswell, though

i  appreciate testing limits - but if the limits are too profound and cause too much discomfort because of the result of my abstraction (grammar, with it being, you play with grammar - call it the T.S. eliot syndrome if you will, finding unique and creative ways to do such a thing)
or something that might lessen the participants? perhaps overthinking too much


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 20, 2014)

My suggestion, since I've been watching Shearsmith/Pemberton stuff lately:

_You're my wife now Dave..._


----------



## Krory (Feb 20, 2014)

Albeit this might be a bit bias of me but all I have to suggest is something along the lines of like... a fictionalized version of a personal experience.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 20, 2014)

Tyrael said:


> My suggestion, since I've been watching Shearsmith/Pemberton stuff lately:
> 
> _You're my wife now Dave..._


Ooh I like this a lot, dig dig dig! If not for this time, a future idea plz!


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 21, 2014)

I like minimalism.


----------



## Stelios (Feb 21, 2014)

Trinity said:


> haven't really made my mind up, quite too well
> 
> wanting to find something suitable for you guys aswell, though
> 
> ...



Make something that allows people with wonky English sentences to join as well.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 21, 2014)

Tbh it's best not to do something that actively dictates content - suggests it, sure, but not dictate. Hence why going with a word/phrase is probably best.



adee said:


> Ooh I like this a lot, dig dig dig! If not for this time, a future idea plz!



Haha, fellow League of Gentlemen fan then?


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 21, 2014)

my ideas are rusty and i'm of no use atm'
uh, let's go with 'comedy'


----------



## Krory (Feb 21, 2014)

Oh, this should be good. And I have an idea already.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 21, 2014)

K, Good choice. I'll go pester Boskov to make a thread by tomorrow night. 



			
				Ty said:
			
		

> Haha, fellow League of Gentlemen fan then?



I didn't know of the show  But I kinda liked the topic from the sound of it. Pretty sure my interpretation is different from what they meant it in the show (saw a youtube clip of '_You're my wife now_')


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 21, 2014)

Haha, I don't imagine anyone's interpretation would be much like theirs. For a comedy, the whole thing's a bit fucked up.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 21, 2014)

"comedy"


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 21, 2014)




----------



## Krory (Feb 21, 2014)

Oh, you people...


----------



## Garfield (Feb 21, 2014)

I think Boskov has gone mad. Is it time to put him down? Can I bring the shotgun? 






:arrrrrgh


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 21, 2014)

krory said:


> Oh, you people...


pls translate the reactions for me

did i do a poor job or is it intimidating do i rub ointment on myself for the pleasure of the member or do i douse fire or pierce my nipples

what are they asking

what have i done


----------



## Krory (Feb 21, 2014)

I dunno about Boskov. I like the prompt.

Can't speak for anyone else.

But I anticipate Boskov's reaction as being a pooface.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 21, 2014)

Do what now?

It was in reaction to Adee telling me to make the thread.


----------



## Krory (Feb 21, 2014)

Oh okay.

We thought you were reacting to Trinity's choice of 'Comedy' as the prompt.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 21, 2014)

nipple piercing is the correct response trintran


----------



## Krory (Feb 21, 2014)

Damn it, Nighty, that's your answer to everything!


----------



## Garfield (Feb 22, 2014)

Professionally seme Doc uncomfy with temporary uke status.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 22, 2014)

You don't even know.


----------



## Krory (Feb 22, 2014)

Yaaaay, new thread.


----------



## Lucaniel (Feb 22, 2014)

>comedy

bah


----------



## Krory (Feb 22, 2014)

Y'gotta laugh. :33


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 22, 2014)

The whole point of the FF was to start with prompts that make you uncomfortable, writing-wise.  

See how far you can bend, warp or manipulate the topic--that's half of the fun, and the creative exercise comes from stepping outside what you feel is comfortable for your own writing and trying something new, taking the topic in a way you might not think, or even taking it EXACTLY like you'd think and still making it good.

Also,

>meme arrows

>naruto is a gateway anime of the worst kind


----------



## Krory (Feb 22, 2014)

None of you better steal my idea.


----------



## CA182 (Feb 22, 2014)

Ok Krory wants me to enter.

So I'll post here as a way to contractually oblige me to participate. 

Or I'll do my usual thing and forget again.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 22, 2014)

*Eats krory's brain*


----------



## Krory (Feb 22, 2014)

*Ha!* Lucky for me, I keep it stored in a jar hidden away some place safe.

...now if only I could remember where.


----------



## Lucaniel (Feb 22, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> The whole point of the FF was to start with prompts that make you uncomfortable, writing-wise.
> 
> See how far you can bend, warp or manipulate the topic--that's half of the fun, and the creative exercise comes from stepping outside what you feel is comfortable for your own writing and trying something new, taking the topic in a way you might not think, or even taking it EXACTLY like you'd think and still making it good.
> 
> ...



>being ironic about le may may pointy emphasisers
>2014

also point taken


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 22, 2014)

I can't into making people laugh.


----------



## Stelios (Feb 22, 2014)

ok I see all this talk but no Flashfiction 2 thread  make the thread and let's go


----------



## Krory (Feb 22, 2014)

Look harder. The thread is there.

It's even linked in my sig. :33


----------



## Fujita (Feb 22, 2014)

Nightbringer said:


> I can't into making people laugh.



I know the feeling 

Well, I'll try and piece something together anyway. This looks like a fun contest and a great writing exercise 



Stelios said:


> ok I see all this talk but no Flashfiction 2 thread  make the thread and let's go





This is the current one


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 22, 2014)

Stelios said:


> ok I see all this talk but no Flashfiction 2 thread  make the thread and let's go



Fission mailed, dude.

Right in my sig.

And for those worried about the topic, try viewing things from a different angle, manipulate the topic to your own ends, not the other way around.  A FF about comedy doesn't have to be funny--in fact, I imagine most will not be.


----------



## Krory (Feb 22, 2014)

Oh, you finally updated your sig, Boskov. 

I really need to get started on mine before my idea leaves me.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 22, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> A FF about comedy doesn't have to be funny--in fact, I imagine most will not be.



this is some trippy shit


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 22, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> And for those worried about the topic, try viewing things from a different angle, manipulate the topic to your own ends, not the other way around.  A FF about comedy doesn't have to be funny--in fact, I imagine most will not be.


this is precisely what i had in mind

is that where everyone goes to
 the generic route

guys, you are _writers_

buckle up


----------



## Garfield (Feb 23, 2014)

Boskov and Trinity with words of encouragement picked right out of Chicken Soup for the Nike Sole

Just do it, bitch!


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 23, 2014)

You guys should do a decopunk one.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 23, 2014)

I had to google that.

Holy shit.


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Feb 23, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I had to google that.
> 
> Holy shit.



I, too, had to google.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 23, 2014)

Looks like it's aping Dieselpunk, which I actually like.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 24, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Looks like it's aping Dieselpunk, which I actually like.



Well it's like art deco dieselpunk isn't it?


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 24, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Looks like it's aping Dieselpunk, which I actually like.


There is a lot of punk genres. 

Deco, diesel, steam, cyber and atom are the most common it seems.

Tyrael liked the sound of stonepunk a lot.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 24, 2014)

Cardboard Tube Knight said:


> Tyrael liked the sound of stonepunk a lot.



I wouldn't say that, I actually dislike lower tech settings as opposed to higher tech ones.

I would say that stonepunk is untapped enough to make it interesting to write in though.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Feb 24, 2014)

deco punk looks pretty great


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 24, 2014)

Nightbringer said:


> deco punk looks pretty great



I'm planning to do some decopunk in something.


----------



## Stunna (Feb 24, 2014)

I didn't think exceeding the word count would be a problem I'd face with this topic.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 24, 2014)

Stone punk?  Pretty sure it's called the Flintstones.


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Feb 24, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Stone punk?  Pretty sure it's called the Flintstones.



Stonepunk is exactly that.


----------



## Bruce Wayne (Feb 25, 2014)

Is it okay if I use actual forum members as characters?


----------



## Stelios (Feb 25, 2014)

Bruce Wayne said:


> Is it okay if I use actual forum members as characters?



well If I were you I d pm them and take their consent first. Otherwise doing satire in a forum can be interpreted as trolling and rule crossing


----------



## Garfield (Feb 26, 2014)

I hope you guys will be able to follow the conversation, I think it sounded right in my head at least, but I don't know how well the text portrays it.

Again, sorry for some of the abstruse puns, I really really couldn't find any other metaphor that would have fit 


*Spoiler*: _don't read before rating_ 



 So attitude of a satellite:  changed by spinning some concentric rings really fast. 

Also, Nash Equilibrium of a simple Prisoners Dilemma game (Game Theory) is a bad outcome overall. If you have repeated games with complete information, you can achieve the pareto optimum (basically the overall best outcome). The last metaphor is a little misleading, but given circumstances, I'm not really gunning for academic accuracy lol


----------



## Garfield (Feb 26, 2014)

I just read the other entries. Seems like I wasn't the only one having a hard time with this particular topic. Hope someone else goes the non-morbid route too. We've had one too many morbid stories here.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 26, 2014)

This is the essence of the flash fic.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 26, 2014)

...morbidity?


----------



## Krory (Feb 26, 2014)

Mine was less about trying to be morbid and more of avoiding doing something funny/comedic just because the theme is "comedy." It was just the first thing that came to mind... which is probably not a good indication of my state of mind.


----------



## Garfield (Feb 26, 2014)

Doing something funny/comedic ain't easy, though. In fact, it's much harder to do good comedy than a good dark scene, imo.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 26, 2014)

I don't think that's entirely true; it's pretty hard to do a convincingly 'dark' scene that doesn't come off as high school angst or post-modern faux-nihilism.   It's also really hard to be properly comedic.


----------



## Krory (Feb 26, 2014)

adee said:


> Doing something funny/comedic ain't easy, though. In fact, it's much harder to do good comedy than a good dark scene, imo.



I would imagine that would depend on the individual, though I'm less concerned with going with what's "harder" just to say I did and more with going with what interests me and speaks to me. My base level needs a huge degree of improving as it is without me trying to push myself to the full end of the spectrum, so I'd rather know what I need to improve on in general, as myself, than as something not myself.

_Then_ I can worry about branching out.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 27, 2014)

I agree with adee - honestly, I'd go further.

Doing a scene which is legitimately dark and gritty is far easier than something that can actually make people laugh. That's not to diminish people who can write dark without coming off as trying to be "edgy" - that, too, is a difficult thing. But for me, comedy is so much more difficult.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 27, 2014)

what i've noticed about this group is

the majority are fantasy writers, writers that aren't contemporary with the sense that you don't write realism - that's not you're thing (you are trendy, however) and lean toward a very dark nature, and that are used to dark scenes and writing something that's 'rough' 
and of course that would be easiest for you guys imo

and judging by that, i think it's safe to say, comedy isn't easy for this group

and comedy isn't _just_ about making people laugh just as dark and gory things aren't just about the shock value, it could simply be an absurdity, something amusing to catch your audience off guard 
comedic stories can have happy endings, or just a light cheery character - something simplistic as that, it could focus on multiple aspects (dramedy?, describing laughter, etc) rather than the original definition -- like any story

don't put this type of theme into such a small box


----------



## Krory (Feb 27, 2014)

There's too much black and white being thrown around anymore.


----------



## Tyrael (Feb 27, 2014)

Whilst classically comedy doesn't have to be funny at all, it has become inseparable from the idea of something being funny - and if something is funny, make people laugh is the goal of such a work. Certainly going by films, works whose entire goal isn't to tell a good story or be gently amusing, but rather to make people laugh are called comedies.

If making people laugh isn't the main goal, then works tend not to just be comedies - they are romcoms, or coming-of-age stories or so on. Rarely is a contemporary work defined solely as a comedy if the explicit goal isn't to make people laugh. And comedy is often used as a term for things which aren't works of fiction, but are designed to make people laugh.

I'm comfortable with putting these things in small boxes, because it informs how a work is interacting with the wider context of fiction around my writing and informs my relationship with the audience. It also, to an extent, empowers me to go beyond it - to mix up several different boxes in a big cauldron and maybe add dashes of things that don't really fit in any of them.

Every writer, of course, is different, but for myself these definitions are useful and interesting things, and in no way limiting.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 27, 2014)

i suppose i...look at things far differently and use the word and imagery to my advantage, rather than fitting in with the definition to find a decent outcome in my work 
because the definition always always varies
as a noun, there are more than four total definitions--in literature, i believe it serves an entirely different purpose 



> works whose entire goal isn't to tell a good story or be gently amusing, but rather to make people laugh are called comedies.


here's the thing though

you've got hollywood, you've got productions that are so _generic_ - that are actually laughable _themselves_ that i am ashamed to call comedies
these aren't literature or flash fictions
they don't have any _actual _distinction - it's all been done before and cycled through

but the _theme_ is comedy: this is literature we're talking here, which is creative writing which is composition which is flash fiction which ranges from poetry and novels and short stories - anything you can imagine

so i mean

a definition in a way, if you go by that, is very limiting - where the possibilities of your own interpretation with all kinds of elements thrown in - can give you more opportunities in your work 
which is what the thread has  been acting like, dooming itself into mindless chaos 



> It also, to an extent, empowers me to go beyond it - to mix up several  different boxes in a big cauldron and maybe add dashes of things that  don't really fit in any of them.


so i mean

yeah

i share this philosophy with you, although having a different interpretation of definitions altogether, but if it works for you shit man go for it


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 27, 2014)

Classically, a comedy was a story or poem with a happy ending.  Colloquially, the definition has largely been wrangled by the movie industry--you rarely see books, music or video games being labeled as comedies, though there are reams of examples with proof to the contrary.  It's just social etymology.

And, you can't always expect people to apply your own reasoning and examinations to a specific topic--so many people got buttblasted or just completely said they had no idea what to do with the song I posted.  Externally, a song and the word comedy are wholly different things with differing levels of complexity and meaning for people; however, using your own definition of the word comedy, or how you are willing to warp and manipulate it to your own means is exactly how I deal with the music prompts, or have in the past.  I could do it all day long, and it's obvious a lot of people here do not like it or do not work well with it.  

I agree with your mentality and philosophy concerning the topic and how we view it, but all people here are definitely different thinkers and part of the charm of the FF, especially in years yester when we were all very familiar with each other's writing, was finding out how that was or how it worked.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 28, 2014)

oh no, i wasn't expecting anything, really, there was a fat chance people would look outside the box after nightbringer freaked - i was more or less attempting to _encourage _different outlooks if anything. perhaps i went too far?


----------



## Garfield (Feb 28, 2014)

No you didn't, it's just we have a penchant for drama 

Awaiting your and others' submissions.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 28, 2014)

ah, so you guys are interested in the theatrics  very well

hoping people enter soon enough, deadline's coming near


----------



## Mist Puppet (Feb 28, 2014)

Finally submitted something. 

That story really made me angry last night. But sleep gave me some good ideas on how to finish it.


----------



## Krory (Feb 28, 2014)

Trinity said:


> ah, so you guys are interested in the theatrics  very well
> 
> hoping* people enter soon enough*, deadline's coming near



Like _you._


----------



## Garfield (Feb 28, 2014)

It's a refreshingly nice entry. Good go, man.


----------



## Demetrius (Feb 28, 2014)

i fucking love it shit christ, puppet

@ krory - i mean

i wrote something

but it ended up being  poetry, so


----------



## Krory (Feb 28, 2014)

Excuses, excuses.


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 28, 2014)

Naw, you came off as pedantic but life goes on.


----------



## CA182 (Feb 28, 2014)

Oh damn I knew there was something...

When does the contest entry period end?


----------



## Buskuv (Feb 28, 2014)

Whenever.

I put March 1st(ish) up, since we are pretty loose with the contest ruurs.


----------



## CA182 (Feb 28, 2014)

Ahh good. I'll post later on/tomorrow morning then. (GMT)

I'm hooked watching tpp right now.


----------



## Cardboard Tube Knight (Mar 1, 2014)

You guys...I'm trying to convince Tyrael he needs to write this clown story into something longer.


----------



## CA182 (Mar 1, 2014)

Ok writing now for this. Gimme an hour.

I must admit though. Comedy is both a broad title and a narror title to work under. It's rather impressive how "expandingly limited" it makes me feel.


----------



## Fujita (Mar 1, 2014)

Would I be too late if I write up something and submit it this evening?


----------



## CA182 (Mar 1, 2014)

For some reason...

It's ending up as a very very strange poem.

I dunno if it's any good but it's what I'll be submitting.


----------



## CA182 (Mar 1, 2014)

Ok done it.

I decided I'd post it now immediately on finishing it. Or I'll continually edit it and never post.

I dunno if it works or not though. Stupid poetry.


----------



## Mist Puppet (Mar 1, 2014)

Fujita said:


> Would I be too late if I write up something and submit it this evening?



the deadline is pretty flexible, so you should be alright.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 1, 2014)

Do what you do.  We'll close it when we feel ready.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 3, 2014)

Thread closed.

Have at it, ladies.


----------



## Tyrael (Mar 3, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _Krory_ 



Once you hit the latter parts of this piece everything becomes squeezed and rushed, yet early on you littler the piece with bits of details and descriptions that really shoulda been cut in a piece this size. There’s a lot in here about his cup of coffee which has no real bearing on anything. As such, the ending basically loses all of it’s power a lot of its coherence.

Again there is a lot of you telling us what the protagonist is thinking when he’s not really thinking anything interesting or relevant. Is important that he thinks the news is bullshit or that he shouldn’t be surprised there is no coffee? Unnecessary things like this create distance between the protagonist and the reader, rather than helping immersion.

Then there’s the whole show don’t tell thing: “As the newscasters moved on to the next subject, however, his attention was suddenly grabbed.“ – would have been more effective to just show us the headline and have him reacting. This whole paragraph doesn’t need to be there.

Unfortunately, nothing about this has worked. There is a cool idea in here but the storytelling and style mar it.

*4/10*





*Spoiler*: _Stelios_ 



I don’t get it? I mean, is this a poem? Is it a parody? Is it trolling? Unfortunately, you’ve not really achieved anything with this.

*1/10*





*Spoiler*: _Stunna_ 



Avoid the ellipses – rather than creating a pause, or dramatic effect, they just tend to break up the flow of the sentences. Your style is a bit inconsistent too:

“The King, in all respects, was just… except in those pertaining to his beloved daughter”
Doesn’t read quite right. Something like this would work better: “The King, in all respects, was just, save for those pertaining to his beloved daughter”

It fits better in the narrative voice – the kind of old-timey narrator that you look to establish. Other inconsistencies creep in: the phrase “career defining” sounds a bit too contemporary, and you use the word “regale” not-quite right. Stylistically, it doesn’t really hold together.

I like the story though. A morbid fairy-tale. You give us a good sense of the world and tell a complete story well within the word limit. Not an easy thing to do by any means.

*7/10*





*Spoiler*: _Adee_ 



Haha, trust you to write something that makes me google probability terms. You get a good sense of character too, which is impressive when just using dialogue and not even naming chars.

There’s bucketloads of interesting ideas in here which you don’t have the space to do anything more than just skim over. You try and marry game theory ideas and the concept of becoming an adult, but you do this by just dropping the terms in as metaphors which, to be honest, isn’t really enough. You’re trying to do too much, but you’re not really achieving any of it unfortunately. I do like that you’re using these concepts in this piece though.

*6/10*





*Spoiler*: _Mist Puppet_ 



I like your tone here, the darkly playful mix of lightness and heaviness. You very quickly establish the character of the narrator, and this is really what makes the whole thing tick. Took me a moment to figure out what was going on in this piece, but I like the central metaphor at work here a lot. Very good piece, even if the imagery at times does seem a little bit arbitrarily weird in the case of the shaggy dog.

Very strong piece this one.

*8.5/10*




CA182

I don’t like poetry, so dunno. Don’t have anything to say about this one I guess?

*N/A*


*Spoiler*: _Fujita_ 



Your phrasing is a bit awkward here. Little things get in the way like:

“and it made it hard to focus” – remove the first it.

“sequence of intricately choreographed ineptitude” – I get that the conflict was on purpose, but I’m not sure it has worked.

It seems like, with this piece, you’re giving us a snapshot of loneliness in a social situation, but there’s not a natural conclusion to the idea in there. It’s like a half-finished thought. You take a lot of care setting up the surroundings and the character’s relationship with it, which is not a bad idea, but you are a bit too overt with how the character is feeling. The little parts with the narrator’s thoughts appearing in the prose don’t work too well, and break up the flow whilst also creating a distance between us and them.

There’s nice stylistic ideas, and it is actually about something, but you’ve not really been able to connect all the dots here. Not a terrible attempt though.

*5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Leeroy Jenkins_ 



I enjoyed this a lot actually. I liked the cutesy animals struggling with a gritty noir-ish reality, and the streak of nastiness that runs through the narrative voice. I like the way you characterise without ever engaging in any characterisation, and I like the (seemingly) purposeful inanity of the piece.

Only thing I can complain about is this sentence: “Frankshire was totally down with this, but then Jesus turned the tables on him and made him laugh at himself.” Which is very tell instead of show and pretty clumsily phrased.

*7/10*


----------



## Stunna (Mar 3, 2014)

I appreciate the review. Especially since I find myself using ellipses quite often. And I hadn't even the thought about the anachronistic word usage; I'll keep that in mind.


----------



## Tyrael (Mar 3, 2014)

No worries dude.

The thing about ellipses is that they're a distracting way of conveying what the content of the story should already be conveying. It all goes back to trying to hold the readers hand and make sure they get it, which often works to force them out of the story. It's a tricky thing, giving readers enough space to get involved in the story without being too vague to create an impact.


----------



## Stelios (Mar 3, 2014)

Tyrael It's humor. Think of it as standup act. It follows the basic principle of trying to relate with your audience so that 1) you will surpise them 2) overstretch reality so you can produce some laughs


----------



## Krory (Mar 3, 2014)

Ouch. Complete failure.  Thanks, Ty. I guess there's always next time.


----------



## Leeroy Jenkins (Mar 3, 2014)

As somebody who doesn't write all that much and tends to just bang things out in one go with absolutely no editing, it consistently surprises me how much people enjoy the things I write.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 3, 2014)

I saw the pre-edit Leeroy 

ON the other hand there's people like me who've had delusions of being a writer in the past.



Yeah...it's embarrassing.


----------



## Leeroy Jenkins (Mar 3, 2014)

adee said:


> I saw the pre-edit Leeroy
> 
> ON the other hand there's people like me who've had delusions of being a writer in the past.
> 
> ...



Whoops. Didn't know some of you aspire to write more or less professionally. D:


----------



## Krory (Mar 3, 2014)

adee said:


> I saw the pre-edit Leeroy
> 
> ON the other hand there's people like me who've had delusions of being a writer in the past.
> 
> ...



It's only embarrassing if you lack the talent.  Or maybe I missed some part of the edit.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 3, 2014)

The operative word, in my case, being delusional.


----------



## Krory (Mar 3, 2014)

What's life without whimsy?


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Mar 3, 2014)

so how did you all go this time?


----------



## Leeroy Jenkins (Mar 4, 2014)

I might have to come back here regularly and scope out the contests. It's nice to do something somewhat structured with my creativity.


----------



## Mist Puppet (Mar 5, 2014)

I'll give my reviews later on tonight (like 1 am in the morning)

krory: 5/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



interesting premise but the beginning was bloated with details while the ending was thin and left little impact on me besides the surprise ending (which i enjoyed). the build up to the ending wasn't much better and felt kind of rushed.




tyrael: 8/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



I smiled a few times reading this. It's something I think I'd see on some surreal sketch comedy show. the elements blend together nicely and it flows well. the ending really confuses the hell out of me, and I don't know if its because I don't understand the significance or symbolism behind it, if i lack reading comprehension, or both. 

still, good story.




stelios: 3/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



a different direction, but one that doesn't really go anywhere. it looks like you're trying for something meta but it didn't work. the structure of the story didn't help either




stunna: 7/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



The overuse of the ellipses is noticeable. But other than that, it reads like a fairy tale with a twist ending. I enjoyed this piece a lot




adee: 7/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



You have some characterization shine through in your dialogue, which is good. I wish there was some sort of setting established in the story, though one can make an educated guess where they are from the dialogue itself. The jokes were hit and miss for me. Overall a decent piece




CA182: 6/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



Can't really say much because I haven't written poetry in years. but it looks good, even if I have trouble understand what its about.




Fujita: 6/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



A story with an interesting beginning but the ending i was given didn't really feel like an ending. When I read it, I didn't think "okay, that's the end of the story", it was more like "where's the rest of it?"




Leeroy: 7/10


*Spoiler*: __ 



A whimsical story with whimsical characters engaging in some heavy stuff. A combination that always works for some reason. An enjoyable albeit short story


----------



## Tyrael (Mar 6, 2014)

Stelios said:


> Tyrael It's humor. Think of it as standup act. It follows the basic principle of trying to relate with your audience so that 1) you will surpise them 2) overstretch reality so you can produce some laughs



Sorry dude, must be pretty difficult to get a mark like that, but I just couldn't find anything worth giving marks to. I think, within the context of a flash fiction contest, it was just too unclear what it was meant to be and didn't really amuse me or make me laugh.



krory said:


> Ouch. Complete failure.  Thanks, Ty. I guess there's always next time.



Nah, certainly not complete failure. Something to build on I'd say.


----------



## Krory (Mar 6, 2014)

Tyrael said:


> Nah, certainly not complete failure. Something to build on I'd say.



I don't know, being in lines with the troll is getting pretty close.  But yeah, I just try to put too much into such a small realm and I end up rushing things. Need to familiarize myself with proper pacing with the format or go more into an area where pacing isn't as much of an issue.

@Mist - Thanks. Basically, yeah, what I said to Tyrael.

I should hopefully have my ratings today. :33


----------



## Stelios (Mar 6, 2014)

Tyrael said:


> Sorry dude, must be pretty difficult to get a mark like that, but I just couldn't find anything worth giving marks to. I think, within the context of a flash fiction contest, it was just too unclear what it was meant to be and didn't really amuse me or make me laugh.



Np Understood. For this to work the reader has to relate somehow. Oh well.


----------



## CA182 (Mar 6, 2014)

Mist Puppet said:


> CA182: 6/10
> 
> 
> *Spoiler*: __
> ...



Ahh I guess I can say the topic.

It's about an old comedian whose era has long passed. 

Btw I won't rate in this contest.
Simply cause I need to get a gist of how everyone rates pieces or I'll just throw things off probably.


----------



## Stunna (Mar 6, 2014)

Those darn ellipses. 

Thanks, Mist Puppet.


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Mar 8, 2014)

CA182 said:


> Ahh I guess I can say the topic.
> 
> It's about an old comedian whose era has long passed.
> 
> ...



Everyone just uses their own rating system anyway.

I made mine up when I started reviewing, and it seemed to word out.  The only thing everyone definitely does is use the 1-10 scale at the end.


----------



## CA182 (Mar 8, 2014)

The Pirate on Wheels said:


> Everyone just uses their own rating system anyway.
> 
> I made mine up when I started reviewing, and it seemed to word out.  The only thing everyone definitely does is use the 1-10 scale at the end.



Oh alright then, I'll just wing it.

Later though. I've got work in an hour.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Mar 8, 2014)

I rated the last one.

felt like I was making it up as I went though.

do the rest of you have like really rigid systems?


----------



## Tyrael (Mar 8, 2014)

Nightbringer said:


> do the rest of you have like really rigid systems?



Nope.

Tbh, last thing I want to do is let other people's ratings effect my own. There's no system either really - I look at piece, give feedback, decide a mark. No need to overthink it any further than that.


----------



## Krory (Mar 9, 2014)

I'm really bad at this and I ruin the curve. Sorry.


*Spoiler*: _Tyrael - 9/10_ 



Some real deep shit up in here. Really though, quite engaging and extremely interesting. The single quotation marks threw me off a bit and the crow at the end confused me - I'm not sure if I missed something or if it's some kind of reference I'm completely missing out on? But otherwise, very great, much wow.





*Spoiler*: _Stelios - 3/10_ 



Started off as something with serious meta potential but once it got out of the water, it just kind of flopped around and by the fifth line or so I wasn't really sure what I was reading.





*Spoiler*: _Stunna - 8/10_ 



I think Mist really put it best regarding this. Only other thing that jumps out at me is the last sentence. Probably just me, but part of me feels it would serve better being split up into two sentences - the reveal as one and the giggling as another. Maybe in my head the pacing sounds better that way, or maybe it's all the commas (not that they're incorrect - I don't know. The appearance just kinda bugs me).





*Spoiler*: _ adee - 8/10_ 



The first two parts just kind of flew by me. I was just kind of disinterested in it all and the repeated use of "bro" (even though it was only thrice by that point) kind of made me cringe. Though somewhere in the middle of the third part is where I really start to get a feel for the characters. The exchange from that moment on seems to come much easier and becomes quite entertaining. The entire fourth paragraph was really just great, the dialogue exchange just flowed particularly well right there to me. It was one of those situations that it made up for the parts that were less-appealing to me.





*Spoiler*: _ Mist Puppet - 9/10_ 



I had to read this a couple times. The exchanges are quite witty and the imagery just felt like it came naturally even with its nature and just made it something I had to read again. Everything just kind of came together well. Some things still leave me a little perplexed, like the shaggy dog, but I suppose being so curious is better than being able to dismiss it without a care. And a singular typo (I think?) jumped out at me:



> She moved her eyes away from the *tool* tall and Victorian door...



And also...



> She fell back onto the toadstool that was neither a toad nor a stool, trying to stifle laughter as it transformed into something that was neither a bed nor a coffin.



Really quite like this line. Just sayin'.





*Spoiler*: _CA182 - 9/10_ 



I actually lost my taste for poetry quite a long time ago and I admittedly saw your post explaining your work before I was able to read it... but really, it seems pretty clear to me and I think it tells a great story and tells it really well - certainly much better than I managed. Again, poetry ain't my forte but I feel like the impact (ehehehe) would've been better without ending with the title. This was actually pretty refreshing. Hope you decide to return if you can do poetry again.





*Spoiler*: _Fujita - 6/10_ 



I think you have a nice overall style. It started feeling like it would go somewhere notable and deep but it doesn't really feel like it ever reached that point. It didn't feel like there was any... culmination? It feels like it could be the part of something great but by itself I'm just not sure (is this ironic for me to be saying?).





*Spoiler*: _Leeroy Jenkins - 8/10_ 



Ha. Really found this one amusing. Really not much more to say about this one. I know, horribly irresponsible of me.


----------



## Stunna (Mar 9, 2014)

Yeah, I did struggle a bit with ending it. Thanks, Krory.


----------



## Leeroy Jenkins (Mar 11, 2014)

Out of curiosity, how often do flash fiction contests occur? I'm tempted to make this a regular thing.


----------



## Krory (Mar 12, 2014)

I don't even know anymore. It seems like this just kinda died.  I guess we need more ratings or some such to continue? Who knows.


----------



## Demetrius (Mar 12, 2014)

i thought we were shooting for a weekly thing, perhaps monthly will be easier on this current crew

ratings

krory- 
i think details are fine, adding them in, even if they don't lead to the suspense of the actual story--and with your style, you're all about expanding character more than the story itself, and the concept is intriguing enough as it is
5.9/10 

tyrael-
definitely something
6.4/10 

stelios-
it's in poetry form, but as far as the structure goes, alot of it is absent and all over the place
3/10 

stunna-
beautiful imagery, though
5/10

adee-
interesting premise, the characterization lacks for me, though, because i feel dialogue is a powerful thing when done right - so perhaps it's just not it for me
5.7/10

mist puppet-
shit, i loved it oh how i adored every waking moment of it
8.5/10

CA182-
i'm a poetry fan, i write it myself - but i feel it's a poor rendition although an intriguing rhythm, it just doesn't captivate me, it's like it's asking me to follow its commands and dance with me in an attempt to reel me in, but for what?
i do like it though - reminds of a jittery piano
5/10

fujita-
5.7/10

leeroy-
quite amusing, a light read
7/10


----------



## CA182 (Mar 12, 2014)

Lol the rhythm was actually a piano piece I adore. So the jittery piano thing isn't too bad an assumption.


----------



## Stunna (Mar 12, 2014)

Thank you, Trinity.


----------



## Demetrius (Mar 12, 2014)

btw guys i suggest 'six word story' for the next prompt! would be an interesting twist


----------



## Tyrael (Mar 12, 2014)

With FFs generally we wait until we have enough entrants/ratings to really be able to compile them without significant bias. It's not a great way to do it, but the whole thing tends to fall apart pretty quickly when you try to stamp really strict deadlines on things.



Trinity said:


> btw guys i suggest 'six word story' for the next prompt! would be an interesting twist



Personally, I find the whole six word story a bit too based on the gimmick of the idea, and doesn't allow for the type of things that I really enjoy in writing. It's more like writing a really tight blurb than a really tight story, and as such I find most 6 word stories unsatisfying in and of themselves.


----------



## Deleted member 198194 (Mar 12, 2014)

waiting for the next contest


----------



## Stunna (Mar 12, 2014)

^

**


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 12, 2014)

Y'all mugs need to get with the rating; that way we can have a decent pool of opinions on the entries.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 13, 2014)

krory-  *7/10*
I don't know whether it's the plethora of dark stories on TV, movies etc. but I'm kinda growing disdainful against dark morbid stuff. I've reached a saturation point of sorts. Sorry, but that may have colored my rating of your piece. 
Still, it was definitely better than your last one, I must say. You tended to pay closer attention to detail, which I liked. The peeling of the onion was also well done. Great job!


Tyrael- *8.5/10*
Haha Ty, did you write this after smoking some righteous weed?  It gave me the feeling of a droll dark English morning so to speak though. Very dark humor you got there. But as always, an excellently done piece. Somewhat complicated though, which made it hard to follow.


stelios- *5/1*0
This is not really fiction mate. It just felt like you noticed something while posting on the forum and decided to put it into words. Very poorly too.


stunna- *7/10*
Sounded kinda like a Grimm brothers version of Aesop fables but minus the humor. Solid narration though.


Mist Puppet- *7.5/10*
Valley girl Alice went down a rabbithole reinvented? Well the humor seemed somewhat forced, but I really like that you use a lot of metaphors. I wish I could use metaphors this well. The only problem I had was that the story read trippy when it really didn't need to be. I guess that was one of the ways you wanted to make it humorous, but sadly I don't like that style much, sorry 


CA182-* 5.5/10*
Haha, Chris glad to see you participate. But as you yourself admitted, you didn't spend any time at all on this piece. Not just that it's short, but it lacks substance, somewhat. Hopefully next time, considering it won't be your first, you'll be less scared to think deeper into what you're writing. Good luck 


fujita- *6.5/10*
While you certainly have a knack for using the right words to tell what you're thinking, what you're thinking doesn't seem to be...well...self contained? It's just very arbitrary, you introduce things that seem meaningless by the end and I was like, "Why was that brought up, then?". I dunno, I kinda like cohesive stories, so that may be the reason. I liked a few phrases you used a lot, like most of the second paragraph. It was excellent.


leeroy- *7/10*
It was a joke. A nice one at that. I smiled. It probably contained the most direct humor from all pieces written. I don't really wish it were bigger because that would probably have killed the joke, but maybe that you made a setting where this joke was a part of it and not the whole?


----------



## Garfield (Mar 13, 2014)

Mist Puppet should start thinking about his ideas for next FF. Maybe we can get it off this weekend? :3


----------



## Stelios (Mar 13, 2014)

Thanks for the feedback guys. I see now that standup comedy humor doesn't fly in fiction


----------



## Garfield (Mar 15, 2014)

It's quite clear that Mist won and Tyrael is second, can we start next round?


----------



## Krory (Mar 15, 2014)

I agree. We've gotten what - four, five ratings now?

Surely that's enough to try and move on.

@adee - I'm quite honestly *shocked* with your rating after Mist and Tyrael.  But thank you. I was more satisfied with this than my last one but then I started seeing varying opinions so I'm kind of at a loss. Suppose all I can do now is try again next time.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 15, 2014)

What do you guys want?  My blessing?

Let Mist choose the topic, so we can keep the steam going.  I'll track him down and slap him with the prize money, and then we can be on our way.


----------



## Krory (Mar 15, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> What do you guys want?  My blessing?



Well, you _are_ the mod here. It would be kind of nice. :33


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 15, 2014)

But I am a cold and distant god, one who does not interfere with mortals.

Also, MP chose 'Paradise' as the next topic.  I'll have the thread up in a bit.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 15, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> What do you guys want?  My blessing?
> 
> Let Mist choose the topic, so we can keep the steam going.  I'll track him down and slap him with the prize money, and then we can be on our way.


Question was to genpop though. 



Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> But I am a cold and distant god, one who does not interfere with mortals.
> 
> Also, MP chose 'Paradise' as the next topic.  I'll have the thread up in a bit.



Dat inside track. Works wonders.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 15, 2014)

NOPE

NOT GONNA DO IT NOW

YOU HURT MY FEEEEEEEEEEEELINGS


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Mar 15, 2014)

'kay                     .


----------



## Mist Puppet (Mar 15, 2014)

i hope the topic is suitable for everyone's creative palette

and if its not











































































too bad


----------



## Krory (Mar 15, 2014)

I actually have an idea stewing in uncreative juices. :33


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Mar 15, 2014)

paradise

off to write an epic poem brb


----------



## Leeroy Jenkins (Mar 15, 2014)

I'll write something up. I've got a bit of a muse at the moment.


----------



## Stunna (Mar 15, 2014)

I like this topic.

I feel like my idea isn't going to be as neat on paper as it is in my head, though.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 16, 2014)

dat first world nation topic


----------



## Tyrael (Mar 16, 2014)

There was a separate flash poetry thread for poetry - would it not make sense to keep that separate from the fics? They are very different things after all, even if they are linked.


----------



## CA182 (Mar 16, 2014)

Tyrael said:


> There was a separate flash poetry thread for poetry - would it not make sense to keep that separate from the fics? They are very different things after all, even if they are linked.



Don't worry, I'm writing a fic next.

When I can get inspiration.


----------



## Demetrius (Mar 17, 2014)

actually, i was looking forward to seeing more of your poetry CA - gives a refreshment for the contest itself


----------



## CA182 (Mar 17, 2014)

Trinity said:


> actually, i was looking forward to seeing more of your poetry CA - gives a refreshment for the contest itself



Lol nooo... Now I feel compelled...


----------



## Krory (Mar 20, 2014)

At least I'm not the only entry anymore.

I hope you other folks are still working on something. :33


----------



## Garfield (Mar 20, 2014)

I am, have been developing something for a while now. Just can't find the right connectors for the dots yet.


----------



## Stunna (Mar 20, 2014)

I am still working on something, yes.

Do not take the length of time I work on this as an indicator of high quality.


----------



## Krory (Mar 20, 2014)

If time was an indicator of quality, I would be *screwed*.

Which is especially bad because I'm very pleased with mine. A rarity.


----------



## tgre (Mar 20, 2014)

I like the topic

got one submitted- hope it all goes well

when do we start ratings? After 1st April or are we just rating as entries get in?


----------



## Krory (Mar 20, 2014)

TJ hardcore as fuck.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 20, 2014)

There you are!   

And, whenever, if you want.  It's just easier if you wait until the contest is closed so you don't miss any stragglers.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Mar 20, 2014)

ah man I forgot this existed.

stupid school work


----------



## Leeroy Jenkins (Mar 20, 2014)

I think I'll dedicate Sunday to this.


----------



## Krory (Mar 21, 2014)

Awesome to see the notice advertising this.  Hope it draws some people.


----------



## lucky (Mar 21, 2014)

wait-- what do we win


----------



## Krory (Mar 21, 2014)

My love and affection.


----------



## lucky (Mar 21, 2014)

lol thx for the feedback, krory.


and can someone thank that table woman, too.  i'm unable to do it myself.


----------



## Blunt (Mar 21, 2014)

Is the contest usually bi-weekly?


----------



## Garfield (Mar 21, 2014)

There's no fixture to this fixture
Just play along to the overture


----------



## tari101190 (Mar 21, 2014)

I posted something. I'll rate later. Sorry if I didn't do it right. I wrote 500 words and posted it. Dunno if I was supposed to register or something.

Literally an on the spot piece of writing.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 21, 2014)

Dear Khris,

Reserving posts is useless, you won't be allowed to submit after closing regardless. And it's not like first to post gets higher rating.

Yours truly,
logic




I'm sounding pretty misanthropic today


----------



## Krory (Mar 21, 2014)

>Today


----------



## Fedster (Mar 21, 2014)

tari101190 said:


> I posted something. I'll rate later. Sorry if I didn't do it right. I wrote 500 words and posted it. Dunno if I was supposed to register or something.



I just went on and posted my entry too. Well, if it gets in, awesome, and if not, well, it will be for next time.


----------



## CA182 (Mar 21, 2014)

Oh I have until the end of march! 

I thought I'd missed it. I'll write it out tomorrow. Now just to get inspiration.


----------



## Tyrael (Mar 21, 2014)

This fic is really kicking my ass - hopefully I'll get a chance to (re)write it on Sunday.



adee said:


> I'm sounding pretty misanthropic today



Don't worry about it, that's pretty much how I always sound.

Edit - holy shit, that ad. Awesome.


----------



## Krory (Mar 21, 2014)

tari101190 said:


> I posted something. I'll rate later. Sorry if I didn't do it right. I wrote 500 words and posted it. Dunno if I was supposed to register or something.
> 
> Literally an on the spot piece of writing.





Fedster said:


> I just went on and posted my entry too. Well, if it gets in, awesome, and if not, well, it will be for next time.



As long as you...

1) Are at or under 500 words
2) Follow the prompt

You're fine. I don't think they really "reject" entries unless it's after the end date or are over the word limit, and I think Boskov tries/is going to try to usually lock the thread after the end date.

No kind of "registry" or anything necessary.

Nice to see some new folks around and good luck. :33


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 21, 2014)

Thank Dream for the announcement; he's the one who came up with and did the actual legwork.

There's no reason to register, since there's no real official anything about the contests; I can dig up the point list for updated FF contests if you want, since it wouldn't be hard.  I think we have sparklies and big avatars for prizes, but since half of you have these anyways, I dunno, man.


----------



## Krory (Mar 21, 2014)

What about custom image user titles?

Or maybe you can just give the same nifty custom user title to whoever participates as long as they participate. *Hint hint.*


----------



## Krory (Mar 21, 2014)

*Hint.

Hint.*


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 21, 2014)

Man, who did it for the Blender?

It was probably Blue; he ain't gon' do shit here.


----------



## Krory (Mar 21, 2014)

Maybe if you ask him really, really nicely.

I got spoiled when I had a scrolling marquee of my user info whenever I posted.

I need special treatment now.

I don't even know who actually gave me that modfuck.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 21, 2014)

Rez, Blue or Vegeta.

The trifecta of modfucks.


----------



## Krory (Mar 21, 2014)

Definitely wasn't Blue because he was wondering aloud in a thread how it was done. It was in the thread talking about when Kenneth was joke-promoted to admin as Yamato Wood.

Maybe Kenneth himself did it but not sure if he would have had the power then.

So maybe it was Reznor.

Anyways...


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 21, 2014)

I'll look into it.

I doubt anyone would oppose the idea since everyone is trying to feed life-giving activity to all the sections, and the LD is one of the worst offenders.


----------



## Krory (Mar 21, 2014)

It'd be nice if I could do more for this place outside of this thread but I don't even read anymore though I'm trying to alleviate that, and this has been the extent of my writing.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 21, 2014)

Any bit helps.

We could also revive that ill-fated Book Club thread.


----------



## Krory (Mar 21, 2014)

Oh right. That was a thing.

inb4 I try to make everyone read _Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter_.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 21, 2014)

I tried to start us with House of Leaves, which was probably a bad idea.  

Anything to get us going would be great, honestly.  Even this trend of weird, alternate history sci-fi.


----------



## Krory (Mar 21, 2014)

I remember when my brother got House of Leaves. I got it for him for his birthday a while back.

I looked inside and just started crying.

Hm. I'll have to see what I have in my very minimal library that might be accessible.

EDIT: Actually my brother and sister have a few books I could look through as well.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 21, 2014)

Yeah, I think a lot of is just people not wanting to have to buy a book to participate.  I mean, you can always get a PDF or .txt of it, but I hate reading literature on the computer, so I usually at least try to find whatever I can, or read a book I already own.

I'm cheap.


----------



## Krory (Mar 21, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> Yeah, I think a lot of is just people not wanting to have to buy a book to participate.  I mean, you can always get a PDF or .txt of it, but I hate reading literature on the computer, so I usually at least try to find whatever I can, or read a book I already own.
> 
> I'm cheap.



Same, I mean I don't read much in general anymore as I've said but the only reason I even got ALVH is because it was like four bucks and my sister was using some coupon and it was brought down to like two and change with her books.  And fuck pride, I was interested.

But yeah, I can tolerate reading on a computer or tablet but I can see how most people wouldn't especially if it's something they don't know they'd be interested in - some people don't have that dedication. There's always a library but I don't know about you folks, but my local library is embarrassingly bare.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 21, 2014)

I work at a bookstore. :3

I just grab what I think may be interesting, since I just use store credit on it.  It's worked wonders, and if I've ever felt slighted by a bad book, I didn't really pay for it, and I can just  trade it back in.  I'm just lucky in that regard.

I can do books on tablets, for limited time, but laptops/pcs give me hives if I'm trying to read.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 22, 2014)

The problem with book thread, seems to me is that a couple guys, being avid readers, select really hard to follow non-mainstream piece of work, which has a higher probability of others not finding it comfortable. They won't say so however because they want to fit in, to appear elite, but seems that because of that, the more vocal ones, like me don't complete the reading, therefore don't post, leading to no activity which discourages the avid readers from posting much as well.

/I really need to get off the misanthrope train.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 22, 2014)

Hey, now, I've only chosen one book.

This is true, however; but, in defense of such books, they're typically more fun to discuss than, say, a really good suspense novel.  It's a great read, but there's not typically much to discuss, because the book isn't really written to be dissected.

I'm sure there's a fine common ground between accessibility and subtext.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 22, 2014)

We should all reread Happy Rotter


*Spoiler*: __ 




/I'm trolling (sometimes it's not obvious )




srs though, I suggest we a book club once with a little simpler book. And by simpler I mean no simpler than Hitchhiker's Guide for instance.

Maybe Catch-22?

Or something like that. I'm always up for fun books.


----------



## Krory (Mar 22, 2014)

We should all read The Giver to try and help me forget about the movie adaptation.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 22, 2014)

Catch-22 is a fun book.

Cadide, too.


----------



## Krory (Mar 22, 2014)

Fuck that shit, we're reading NOS4A2. Strap in, motherfuckers.


----------



## Stelios (Mar 22, 2014)

d' rather go fishing. Or read some Terry Pratchett for a change


----------



## Lucaniel (Mar 22, 2014)

i have a few books i want other people to read because i'm the only one who's read 'em and i wanna talk about them with someone

like k.j. parker's engineer trilogy


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 22, 2014)

But I've read them...


----------



## Garfield (Mar 22, 2014)

But we can still do it even though some people have read it right? I mean that would mean less effort on your part anyway Doc. I've also wanted to read Engineer trilogy.


----------



## Lucaniel (Mar 22, 2014)

what did you think of them, boskov


----------



## Lucaniel (Mar 22, 2014)

actually...i've just been forgetful  we've talked about the trilogy before


----------



## Garfield (Mar 22, 2014)

I'll post something by tomorrow if not later tonight. I'm a little happy about what I've done. It has taken me some time to write this one.


----------



## Krory (Mar 22, 2014)

krory said:


> Fuck that shit, we're reading NOS4A2. Strap in, motherfuckers.



Apparently you muthafuckas can't read.


----------



## tari101190 (Mar 22, 2014)

krory said:


> As long as you...
> 
> 1) Are at or under 500 words
> 2) Follow the prompt
> ...


Okay thanks.

My microsoft word tells me mine was 500 word exactly. Hopefully one of yours says the same. I know sometimes it detects things different. And I use british-english, not american-english so dunno if that could affect your 'dictionary word detection'.

Anyway, I may write another since the deadline isn't for a while. Trying to finish a spec script with the same deadline. I like the idea of taking a break to do on the spot flash fiction.

I don't plan or spend time on them though, which I thought was the point, but in 'da rules' it says to take your time so that's weird. I edited a bit after for mistakes, but didn't want to spend more than a few mins on it.


----------



## Krory (Mar 22, 2014)

tari101190 said:


> Okay thanks.
> 
> My microsoft word tells me mine was 500 word exactly. Hopefully one of yours says the same. I know sometimes it detects things different. And I use british-english, not american-english so dunno if that could affect your 'dictionary word detection'.
> 
> ...



I use a couple different things but I always get so many different results so I always just go by Microsoft Word as well. 

I usually spend little time on them myself because I always psych myself out.  Start to tell myself it sucks and then I'll end up not even submitting it and then I forget all about the contest. Then again with how my last two went, maybe that would have been the better choice, _but I digress_... Yeah, I usually just take the time to try and do a quick grammatical/spelling edit.

But if you can keep it up, I'm sure it will be quite welcome to have another regular participant. Maybe it won't die out like last time, or at least as quickly (then again we are already past that point).


----------



## tari101190 (Mar 22, 2014)

Besides the paradise ones, I want to post some other flash fiction I did recently, but doesn't fit in this contest, so I may make a new thread, unless there's another appropriate place for me to post them.


----------



## Krory (Mar 22, 2014)

tari101190 said:


> Besides the paradise ones, I want to post some other flash fiction I did recently, but doesn't fit in this contest, so I may make a new thread, unless there's another appropriate place for me to post them.



A new thread here will be the best probably, and it would help to get some more activity in the section.


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## Krory (Mar 23, 2014)

Why can't I hold all these entries


----------



## lokoxDZz (Mar 23, 2014)

I saw the Flash Fiction contest and tryed to give a chance,i didn't saw anything about how to join in or something like ,so i assume just by posting there you join in 

Hope i didn't do anything wrong


----------



## Krory (Mar 23, 2014)

Yup, that's it. Don't need to enter or register or anything, just post your entry and be sure it's 500 words or less. :33


----------



## dream (Mar 23, 2014)

krory said:


> Why can't I hold all these entries



So I take it that that was a noticeable increase in the amount of entries than in previous flash fiction contests?


----------



## Garfield (Mar 23, 2014)

lokoxDZz said:


> I saw the Flash Fiction contest and tryed to give a chance,i didn't saw anything about how to join in or something like ,so i assume just by posting there you join in
> 
> Hope i didn't do anything wrong


You did everything wrong  Why do you always do everything wrong, Greg. If I've told you one time, I've told you a thousand times, but you never seem to understand. Nothing gets past your thick skull. It's always one excuse or another, never owning up to your mistakes. Why do you always mess up like this, Greg?


----------



## Krory (Mar 23, 2014)

Dream said:


> So I take it that that was a noticeable increase in the amount of entries than in previous flash fiction contests?



I think we're at fourteen entries right now. I'm not part of the "old guard" but from what I've seen, taking into account the regulars like adee, Mist, and Tyrael haven't even posted yet, it is indeed a notable difference (and a lot of faces I haven't seen the few times I did post). And still a week left!

Boskov said that was all you, so thanks, Preet.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 23, 2014)

Dream said:


> So *I take it* that that was a noticeable increase in the amount of entries than in previous flash fiction contests?



No you don't fucking take it, motherfucking give it the fuck back, bitch! Which shitty inbred piece of cowdung infested creamy ass fucking told you to take the motherfucking it?




Just my two cents, hope it helps resolve the paradox :3


----------



## lokoxDZz (Mar 23, 2014)

adee said:


> You did everything wrong  Why do you always do everything wrong, Greg. If I've told you one time, I've told you a thousand times, but you never seem to understand. Nothing gets past your thick skull. It's always one excuse or another, never owning up to your mistakes. Why do you always mess up like this, Greg?



I'm not like my brot.--- ,I'm off from here ,But next time you will do everything right greg  ... Brother   i'm not your brother.


I liked the theme for the FlashFic i had something in mind with it already when i saw it


----------



## Leeroy Jenkins (Mar 23, 2014)

I feel accomplished. I was feeling the urge to slack off and put it off more, but I didn't give in.


----------



## Stelios (Mar 23, 2014)

Leeroy Jenkins said:


> I feel accomplished. I was feeling the urge to slack off and put it off more, but I didn't give in.



it's well penned like the rest of your writings but 232 words?
I wouldn't say that you didn't slack off...


----------



## Krory (Mar 23, 2014)

Length doesn't denote effort.


----------



## Leeroy Jenkins (Mar 23, 2014)

Stelios said:


> it's well penned like the rest of your writings but 232 words?
> I wouldn't say that you didn't slack off...



Eh, I tend to do well with shorter stories. My muse is ephemeral, so if I can focus on a short, tight story, it works better for me. I think, if anything, the story might have been left feeling incomplete, but that's just a product of pressuring myself in this case. 

I also wanted to avoid the problem of losing my muse and finding it all just unacceptable and deleting 90% of it, just to rewrite it again and be dissatisfied with it overall.

Edit: I should also mention, since I started writing stories (which itself has been an occasional activity), it's mostly been in the format you guys regularly see in the Resort or here. It's something I'm looking forward to developing.


----------



## Tyrael (Mar 23, 2014)

Dream said:


> So I take it that that was a noticeable increase in the amount of entries than in previous flash fiction contests?



Only been a few contests that have had this many or more - the ad's done a great job.


----------



## tgre (Mar 23, 2014)

^ ff royalty right here.

All we need is Batman, mordin, cheify and less to blow our fucking minds.


----------



## tgre (Mar 23, 2014)

Also pretty sure we have enough to start ratings yeah? If more people jump on I'll just keel rating while linking back to my original ratings post. 

Let's get this party bangin'


----------



## Garfield (Mar 23, 2014)

Please wait before starting your ratings. I'm working on a google form to get it because a lot of entries this time, so going through all posts and collecting ratings will be a bitch for the person who tallies. Thanks.


----------



## tgre (Mar 23, 2014)

No worries. My impatience is getting the better of me.


----------



## Krory (Mar 23, 2014)

Tonight, CA182 said he was going to work on his tomorrow since he has a free day, so hopefully should be expecting his.

Revampstyles and Khris seem to have had intention to contribute at some point, but that's debatable.

But yeah, this gives us 17 entries now - up to 20 if those three come through. I'd say that's enough to go on.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Mar 23, 2014)

I might write something.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

Can someone please verify if this form is properly working for them?


----------



## Krory (Mar 24, 2014)

Can't speak toward the submission process, but it's loading.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

Are you ok with the format?


----------



## Krory (Mar 24, 2014)

Not up to me but it seems fine, simple enough.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

This is not official lol, form is for you guys to fill, so yes it IS up to you


----------



## lucky (Mar 24, 2014)

what's up wit all dese entries, yo.



i want to win


----------



## Stelios (Mar 24, 2014)

Tu  est trop gourmande, Lucky. 
Let someone else have a bigger avatar


----------



## Nordstrom (Mar 24, 2014)

I forgot...


*Spoiler*: _Krory_ 




It was really a wonderful piece. Easy on the eyes, to the point, and managed to convey information with so little words in such a short piece. That's really hard to do, and you did it. I definitely love your writing style.

Plus, conveying the idea of Heaven without giving many hints helped...

2.8/*3*


----------



## Tyrael (Mar 24, 2014)

tGre teh Disleksik said:


> ^ ff royalty right here.
> 
> All we need is Batman, mordin, cheify and less to blow our fucking minds.



You're too kind man, I'm more like a persistent bad smell that just won't go away. 

But would be awesome to see more of the old regs' to pop in, the LD had some damn fine writers kicking about.



adee said:


> Can someone please verify if this form is properly working for them?



Works for me - excellent idea likes.



krory said:


> Tonight, CA182 said he was going to work on his tomorrow since he has a free day, so hopefully should be expecting his.
> 
> Revampstyles and Khris seem to have had intention to contribute at some point, but that's debatable.
> 
> But yeah, this gives us 17 entries now - up to 20 if those three come through. I'd say that's enough to go on.



Haha, during the more barren days we used to just get on with the rating at 5/6.

I suspect 20 would do.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 24, 2014)

We have a massive pool of entries this time around, so it may take awhile for people to get through reading/rating.  Are we missing anyone that said they still might participate?

I never thought I'd have to close a contest a week early.


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## Stelios (Mar 24, 2014)

y indeed i m at fedster and i have like 5-6 more?


----------



## tari101190 (Mar 24, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> We have a massive pool of entries this time around, so it may take awhile for people to get through reading/rating.  Are we missing anyone that said they still might participate?
> 
> I never thought I'd have to close a contest a week early.


OMG I'll make up something right now then. I didn't realize it would end this soon.


----------



## tari101190 (Mar 24, 2014)

Okay I posted one more. But it was on the spot with no real story behind it. This one really makes no sense, so sorry. Hopefully it reads okay. Checked for errors, but didn't want to think about what I was writing too much. Just wanted to write freely.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

Stelios, please be kind and post your entries to the link I gave above (Google Forms). It will take anyone who compiles the ratings ages to go through every ratings post. Thank you.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

tari: I suggest you only post one entry, because the entry that gets lower scores will lower your overall score, and why would you want that?


----------



## Krory (Mar 24, 2014)

adee said:


> tari: I suggest you only post one entry, because the entry that gets lower scores will lower your overall score, and why would you want that?



For more critiques and help on getting better?

With the Google Docs thing, how do folks see what others submitted/said?


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

You have two options: Either post that here, or I'll post all the comments here. Your choice :3 

RE: tari's entries- I'm just saying, for comments he can post it here, without hurting his own score. I have nothing against multiple entries though lol


----------



## tari101190 (Mar 24, 2014)

Okay thanks. I understand, but I'm not too worried about scores. I just want to see if I can manage to write more stuff.


----------



## CA182 (Mar 24, 2014)

Wait it's already closed? 

I was just gonna start writing now.


----------



## Krory (Mar 24, 2014)

adee included you in the tally I think, CA182, so you should be fine.

Nighty is probably screwed though.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

Not a problem for me to add Nightbringer into the form, so it's ok, just she needs to do it before we plan another contest lol.


----------



## CA182 (Mar 24, 2014)

krory said:


> adee included you in the tally I think, CA182, so you should be fine.
> 
> Nighty is probably screwed though.



Lol krory you can call me Chris is you want. My username is always so annoying to type.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

Bitch we'll call you CA182 so shut yo trap


----------



## Krory (Mar 24, 2014)

CA182 said:


> Lol krory you can call me Chris is you want. My username is always so annoying to type.



Ah, you know my weakness.  I usually don't call people by name unless properly and formally told that I have express permission.

On another note, damn, tari, how many entries you have planned?  Certainly pumping those out.


----------



## Nordstrom (Mar 24, 2014)

Can I call you Chris too? Your name is indeed keyboard unfriendly.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

tari on some of that strong stuff.

Bro pass some here!


----------



## CA182 (Mar 24, 2014)

adee said:


> Bitch we'll call you CA182 so shut yo trap



Fight me prick. 



Sleipnyr said:


> Can I call you Chris too? Your name is indeed keyboard unfriendly.



Sure. Tbh I really should add Chris back to my username. But typing Chris182A is such a nightmare on my phone when logging in. 



krory said:


> Ah, you know my weakness.  I usually don't call people by name unless properly and formally told that I have express permission.



Your weakness is obvious.

And I'm writing but it's turning into a poem against my will. Sorry guys.


----------



## Krory (Mar 24, 2014)

That's cool, I can dig poetry - especially your last one, that was pretty awesome. I don't know how other folks feel, but I know Tyrael wanted to eliminate poetry from the contest so I dunno.


----------



## CA182 (Mar 24, 2014)

If you close it before I finish, I'll just post the poem in here. But this might take me awhile since I'm trying to have it rhyme.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

My problem was never rhyming, I can rhyme easily, but usually my poetry is pretty random, it lacks cohesion


----------



## CA182 (Mar 24, 2014)

adee said:


> My problem was never rhyming, I can rhyme easily, but usually my poetry is pretty random, it lacks cohesion



Considering I'm writing this without a care, I'm not even sure where it'll end. But if it ends up longer than 500 words I'm not cutting it down for the contest.


----------



## Stelios (Mar 24, 2014)

oh double work ffs


----------



## Tyrael (Mar 24, 2014)

If you have poem you wanna enter, by all means enter it. For myself, I just think it'd make more sense not to have a poem in a flash fic contest - but no one else has voiced any objections, so I'd imagine everyone else is pretty cool with it. Don't let my curmudgeonly tendencies stand in the way.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

We can maybe have a poll to see if poems are ok.


----------



## Krory (Mar 24, 2014)

It's kind of double-edged. I would like to see more poetry, especially if it's more like what Chris wrote last time, but it's pretty evident from Chris' last entry that poems are immediately going to be snuffed in the competition as I think only myself and Trinity showed an appreciation for them.

I know Tyrael also mentioned doing a separate thing for poetry though I can't imagine there would be enough to sustain it - it's not like the Flash Fiction has exactly been flourishing until we got that notice and last time I was part, Flash Fiction died out by the second contest.

Just feels kind of shitty because it seems like poetry is never really going to have a place around here.


----------



## CA182 (Mar 24, 2014)

Meh I decided to mix the poem into a story. Although I'm lost as to how I'm gonna close this one.


----------



## Linkofone (Mar 24, 2014)

Stelios said:


> Linkofone
> 
> *Spoiler*: __
> 
> ...



Sorry, it is more of an insider story. I just really felt like writing something.


----------



## Mist Puppet (Mar 24, 2014)

oh shit i might have to stop procrastinating and write this idea if I'm gonna get an entry


----------



## Krory (Mar 24, 2014)

Nope, Mist. You're screwed.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

You still have time Mist


----------



## Stelios (Mar 24, 2014)

You still have time Mist  


*Spoiler*: __ 



i swear this avatar is producing stress


----------



## Garfield (Mar 24, 2014)

I wonder when it'll produce Young's modulus


----------



## Mist Puppet (Mar 24, 2014)

finally finished after much procrastinating

wasn't the idea that originally inspired me, but I think I like it better than what I would have planned on writing.


----------



## Krory (Mar 24, 2014)

Oh, look, Mist entered - we have our new winner.


----------



## Demetrius (Mar 24, 2014)

adee said:


> We can maybe have a poll to see if poems are ok.


or, quite possibly look and see if boskov ok's it

that's just putting more unneeded work into something that can have a quick answer that takes all of a minute to decide honestly


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 24, 2014)

I like the idea of it, but I'd rather not divide the attention of what we have here--nor the effort.  We can certainly set up a Poetry Contest at some point, but I'd like to keep it separate from the FF because, well, poetry and prose =! fiction, necessarily.  To avoid confusion and from burning out participants who may want to do both, I'd say we keep the ball rolling with the FF for now and revisit it down the road.

I'm also with a few others who think we may not quite get the interest and feedback for the Poetry Contest because, just as not many people would be interested, comparatively, so fewer would feel interested (or capable) of offering feedback.


----------



## Demetrius (Mar 24, 2014)

thank you, boskov! 

it's saddening, though, that if there were a separate contest for poetry it wouldn't nearly get half as much of the attention flash fiction gets, and even this contest struggles


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 24, 2014)

We haven't seen this many people actively participating in the FF since we first started it years ago.  It's no Art section contest, but this is quite an impressive number for our humble section, so I'm glad it's doing so well, no small thanks to Dream.

Poetry is something a lot of people either don't like or don't understand, and is typically far harder to write (seriously) and to offer feedback upon.  We've had a few poetry threads in the past and they were largely inhabited by a few familiar souls at most.


----------



## Krory (Mar 24, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I like the idea of it, but I'd rather not divide the attention of what we have here--nor the effort.  We can certainly set up a Poetry Contest at some point, but I'd like to keep it separate from the FF because, well, poetry and prose =! fiction, necessarily.  To avoid confusion and from burning out participants who may want to do both, I'd say we keep the ball rolling with the FF for now and revisit it down the road.
> 
> I'm also with a few others who think we may not quite get the interest and feedback for the Poetry Contest because, just as not many people would be interested, comparatively, so fewer would feel interested (or capable) of offering feedback.





Trinity said:


> thank you, boskov!
> 
> it's saddening, though, that if there were a separate contest for poetry it wouldn't nearly get half as much of the attention flash fiction gets, and even this contest struggles



Yeah, that's my only real concern. I don't do poetry myself but Chris' entry revitalized some interest in me. It just kind of stinks because it definitely seems like there won't be a place for it and some folks just won't have that motivation to post something without the contest and prompts and such. But I guess we'll have to see what the next couple rounds of FF are like, what sort of returns from folks we get.

If the ultimate desire, especially from Boskov, is to keep them separate then I suppose that's what we do. Maybe probe for interest in a poetry thing. Or maybe not even an entire contest, maybe just to start a poetry thread for people who just feel like writing something in general - keep it the same format but without the formality of a contest. Do a new prompt every once in a while if there's enough people to be interested.

I don't know, just throwing out ideas. I guess the key would be seeing if anyone else is actually interested.


----------



## Krory (Mar 24, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> We haven't seen this many people actively participating in the FF since we first started it years ago.  It's no Art section contest, but this is quite an impressive number for our humble section, so I'm glad it's doing so well, no small thanks to Dream.
> 
> Poetry is something a lot of people either don't like or don't understand, and is typically far harder to write (seriously) and to offer feedback upon.  We've had a few poetry threads in the past and they were largely inhabited by a few familiar souls at most.



Well consider, the latest Sig of the Week only had like five or six entries, I think. And even when I was participating I rarely saw more than seven or eight. The key difference is I think Sig of the Week just generates enough interest from folks that a new person or two will pop in, even for a week, and if they leave next time around someone else will get intrigued. I guess people just find graphics more fun than writing. Sketch of the Week never seemed to have many though I didn't pop up in there much, though, either.

Though that just shows that yeah, the Art Section has three contests going on. Really not much we can do about that here.

Once the notice goes I guess the best we can hope for is the folks who took part keep an interest or word of mouth makes it spread.

It admittedly does feel like a waste having the links in my sig when I only venture into a couple sections so maybe being a bit more outgoing could help reach some folks, too. Iunno.

Again, guess just wait and see what next time brings.


----------



## Buskuv (Mar 24, 2014)

Once we get into a groove, hopefully similar to last time, it'd be a regular group of people participating, rather than one time guests or floaters.  It's actually quite fascinating to see people mix things up, change their writing and generally improve because of it.  Inevitably I see the number shrinking, but that's typical of any regular contest as some people don't have the time or lose interest.

I'm hoping we hook a few good regulars and find our niche.


----------



## Krory (Mar 24, 2014)

Well we should have myself, adee, Tyrael, and Mist as regulars. Hopefully Chris and Nighty keep it up. Maybe we can con Trinity into another one. Stelios and Leeroy are still going.

So that's something, I suppose.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 25, 2014)

Trinity said:


> or, quite possibly look and see if boskov ok's it
> 
> that's just putting more unneeded work into something that can have a quick answer that takes all of a minute to decide honestly


Decision should rest on popular opinion, not one person though. I don't think even Doc agrees with the mods having the -only- say in the matter.

Anyway, updating the google form with Mist and reposting the form on this page for whoever wants to rate next.


----------



## CA182 (Mar 25, 2014)

Yeah go ahead and ignore my post. 

I'm only about 3/4 of the way through, and I won't have a chance to finish. Work irl called. 

Sorry guys. :/

I'll post it in here though when I get the chance, so at least you can see it. (For anyone who cares.)


----------



## Garfield (Mar 25, 2014)

Ok removing you from form. You sure though? I mean we can always integrate your entry in even if you post it in a day or two :3

Also, I was thinking about the feed back. Maybe you guys would prefer giving verbal feedback in this thread and only ratings in the form, because otherwise it would kill interaction to actually wait for all feedback to be posted here. Tell me what you guys think.


----------



## CA182 (Mar 25, 2014)

adee said:


> Ok removing you from form. You sure though? I mean we can always integrate your entry in even if you post it in a day or two :3
> 
> Also, I was thinking about the feed back. Maybe you guys would prefer giving verbal feedback in this thread and only ratings in the form, because otherwise it would kill interaction to actually wait for all feedback to be posted here. Tell me what you guys think.



Yeah do it. Work got really busy due to several unforseen reasons. I have little choice in this. 

When I get a chance though I'll still post it.


----------



## Stelios (Mar 25, 2014)

tGre teh Disleksik said:


> Cheers for your critique.
> 
> Just one thing I wanted to point out though- this isn't a fan fiction contest. Its flash fiction and its based on one's interpretation of the topic.
> 
> ...



y i ll get better in this eventually it's a process


----------



## tgre (Mar 25, 2014)

No worries. I'm just glad you're taking an interest in it.


----------



## Tyrael (Mar 25, 2014)

adee said:


> Also, I was thinking about the feed back. Maybe you guys would prefer giving verbal feedback in this thread and only ratings in the form, because otherwise it would kill interaction to actually wait for all feedback to be posted here. Tell me what you guys think.



Isn't the feedback visible to everyone on that doc? Not sure how it works.



adee said:


> Decision should rest on popular opinion, not one person though. I don't think even Doc agrees with the mods having the -only- say in the matter.



Agreed - it might be a bit more clunky, but really the contest has never been controlled strongly by one person and has been more at mercy of the general whims of the populous.



CA182 said:


> Yeah go ahead and ignore my post.
> 
> I'm only about 3/4 of the way through, and I won't have a chance to finish. Work irl called.
> 
> ...



Sure, I can give you some feedback if you want.

Work and life have a real annoying tendency to pile up out of nowhere likes.


----------



## Garfield (Mar 25, 2014)

My reviews are becoming pretty long so gonna post them in twos or threes as I write them, sorry.


*Spoiler*: _Krory_ 



+1 on LoTR reference haha. Holy Krishna, Krory! You're improving fast, I swear it's unnatural. This piece was just solid, you even bring in a lot of content, unlike your earlier pieces which just seemed like comparitvely hollow narration. This one has a lot in it and I like it. You're relatively consistent with the characters as well while forwarding the story at a good pace. There were very very few places where the grammar felt just a bit odd, which is great for a piece we don't review much ourself. 

The piece is a metaphor for being driven to heaven so to speak, am I right in thinking that? Anyways I'm a stickler for metaphors so that's great. The piece starts out quite strong and till the mid stays pretty strong, just near the end, you started getting a little fatigued I guess or something because it doesn't seem to have the same feel that the 70% of your piece had  Was a little disconcerting, sorry. 

In the beginning, the metaphor is pretty literal, so it's very easy to make out, in the mid it suddenly seems to fade but resumes suddenly in the end. I'm not sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, there's some value to it, but I dunno. I'm not gonna take anything away from you because of that though because it didn't bother me at all. Just, I brought it up because I want to know if this was a concerted effort on your part?

I really loved this part by the way:

"Y’ever see a sunrise?" the driver asks me. "Like, really see? Real beaut, man. Y'just sit there and tell yourself, 'Oh yeah. This right ‘ere. This is par-"

"Never seen one." I reply.

I'll just list out some stuff which I think you could make a bit better: 

"Can't remember his name, for the life'a me. But he says all that bullshit people go through's just some big dream. Y'know the concept... life flashing before our eyes?"

"Rolling his eyes, the driver mouths whatever message he was left mockingly and I crack a smile."

This didn't make a whole lotta sense to me:

The driver laughs again, pulling the gate open for me, and I can’t explain why I suddenly feel so comfortable.

"Just one worda’ advice.”

I look at him. “Yeah?”

"Nothin' t'be scared of, man."

Maybe you should have put the "nothing to be scared of man" before the part where the guy feels very comfortable?

Anyways, for this amazing improvement, I'm gonna give you 9 this time. Good shit, Krory. Just make sure you end strong next time.





*Spoiler*: _Jaded Heart_ 



 Haha, trust you to put feels into a topic. You pulled out all the cliches and stops for this one, eh. In terms of narration, it is a very nice improvement over your previous pieces. It seems to flow better than before and I could find almost no places where I could tell you to improve. It's so nice seeing everyone improve their writing, makes me feel bad that I didn't improve much lol. 

Your second and third paragraphs were really the best part of your piece in my opinion. They set the landscape wonderfully. Your piece was then better than Krory's in the sense that it stayed the same strength throughout. You don't give away the ending earlier, unlike Krory's piece, where we know what's gonna happen in the end. That's also your strong point. As I said, you just took us on a very strong feel trip  

I loved how you brought back the "Planting my lips softly to his forehead for one final time" part. And that Juniper connection was pretty fantasy-like and coolio too.

So it's not a gripe, but I wish you'd kinda made more connections like forehead kiss and Juniper. Ok, you'll say we only have 500 words and I'd agree, but still, for the feels to be greater, I think more connections rounding everything off were needed. Maybe not as much meat in the second and third paragraphs would have been ok I guess? I dunno. Don't take this point as a strong criticism, because as I said, I totally sympathize that with 500 words, it's not very ideal. 

That said, as I said, narratively this is a very strong piece, but I like to see more metaphors, more deep meaning and philosophy going on in a flashfic. Which is why I was suggesting more connections previously. Which is why I really loved Krory's first half of the story. You've improved tremendously in one department, I really hope you will improve in the depth department next time. 

Oh by the way, unlike your early pieces (whether it was because of our criticism or not) you didn't make any misuses of metaphors, which was the biggest thing I think and I will give your piece a *9* as well 

Just a couple places then which imo you could improve structurally: 

"Your mother always did love that ridiculous weed our in the front..." This paragraph can be reworded imo :3

The way you put it, the weed seems to be a weak metaphor to the girl herself, I dunno whether it's a concerted effort. Did you kinda mean that the girl was adopted? I'm not sure. Anyways, that wasn't the part that bothered me, but considering, the last two lines seemed just a tad bit off. Maybe that part was a bit too familiar/cliched? I wish you'd experimented with it a bit.


----------



## Stelios (Mar 25, 2014)

Adee we are not using the forms? I went and submitted everything there as well for nada?


----------



## Krory (Mar 25, 2014)

Stelios said:


> Adee we are not using the forms? I went and submitted everything there as well for nada?



I assume he's posting them here as well because there's no way for anyone else to see what people submit to the form, so then folks wouldn't be able to see the critique and scores and such.

Thanks for the post, adee, will respond momentarily - just woke up.


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## Banhammer (Mar 25, 2014)

I had some time during an extremely boring class, so I did something <_<


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## Krory (Mar 25, 2014)

adee said:


> *Spoiler*: _Krory_
> 
> 
> 
> ...




*Spoiler*: __ 



You are absolutely right - that is exactly what I was going for. Tried to drop hints. Mainly, the driver's remark, asking if it was insensitive for him to bring up how people can get into accidents by talking on the phone. This was supposed to hint that the narrator was killed in an accident, either by talking on his phone or hit by someone who was (up to interpretation/feeling).

The part you liked reminded me how I had a concept before of trying to actually put in the word "paradise" at intervals but it keeps getting cut-off mid-sentence or mid-thought but the whole idea kind of morphed and I just put that in there was a reminder to me of what I was going for before, heh.

With the two lines you say could be better, what exactly about them is bothering you?

The first line I felt mostly obligated to include. This whole idea sprung forth from that concept, something an old co-worker used to tell me - that we're all dreaming right now, on our deathbeds, our life flashing before our eyes. He was a weird, cool cat and wanted to adapt some of his theories and stuff he talked about (the aliens being us from the future thing was another thing he mentioned frequently). So it was more just me trying to finish the thought.

The second was more of an avenue to ease into showing how the narrator is slowly coming to terms with what's going on in a way. Didn't want to outright say it but I wanted to demonstrate it by the change of his personality (such as him actually responding to Pete, for a change, when he brings up the alien story - that was the real start of it).

I wanted the "Nothing to be scared of" line to be one of the last things, maybe sort of the final thing that kind of makes readers realize - for certain - what's going on in the story (though I've heard a number of very different things going on, lol. TJ actually had the most curious interpretation). Though yeah I can see how it would probably make more sense prior to pointing out the narrator's comfort in the situation. I just felt the line was that strong point, the way to end it strongly as you put it, but it seems I misinterpreted.

Thanks for the review!


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## Garfield (Mar 25, 2014)

I think writing comments in the google form is fairly pointless, I'll just remove those. 

Also, adding Banhammer's name to form.

Yes Stelios, I'm indeed using the form for the scores  Also, you don't need to fill a separate form for the new entries, just post their scores here and I'll integrate them, no worries.

--------------------------------------------------

You sit there, mind fully made up to write some nice feedback and someone invites you away to play pick up basketball.  Now trying to work up mood again.


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## Stelios (Mar 25, 2014)

adee said:


> I think writing comments in the google form is fairly pointless, I'll just remove those.
> 
> Also, adding Banhammer's name to form.
> 
> ...



I d neg you for the double work you had me do but It was a nice sunny day and I m cholesterol free


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## Garfield (Mar 25, 2014)

Everyone will be doing the same amount of work actually. Writing responses here and posting scores there.


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## Krory (Mar 25, 2014)

adee said:


> I think writing comments in the google form is fairly pointless, I'll just remove those.
> 
> Also, adding Banhammer's name to form.



Yeah, I was going to bring this up earlier but got sidetracked and had to do food-shopping, just got home.  The Google Form is probably best left just for you to organize the scores, and people can leave their feedback in this thread instead since you'd be the only one who can read them in the Google Form. Should make it easier all around. Though with multiple people working I would think just tallying the scores in the thread should be easy enough.

Or I was also going to bring up situating it more like the SotW where we can have a discussion thread, then when the entries are in make a separate thread specifically for the feedback (the ratings and reviews only) and people can just reply to it in the discussion thread.

But you already have the Google thing going so might as well just stick with that.


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## Garfield (Mar 25, 2014)

Well, the google thing is useful mainly because too many entries unlike Art section contest.

Also, form updated, for anyone else interested in rating:


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## Krory (Mar 25, 2014)

Yeah, true. And unlike art section where you just pick three "winners," have to (well not _have to_, but it's more proper to) rate them all. With over twenty entries... yeeeaaah...

Now to wait and see how many of these folks return.


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## Garfield (Mar 25, 2014)

Well, why don't we do that here too then? Sounds simpler in face of many entries, doesn't it? And people won't have to fill out the long google form either.

What say you guys?


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## Krory (Mar 25, 2014)

I think the only problem with that is I think a lot of us come here for critique... so if we just do that, I mean, some of us lose out. I mean as long as people do critiques or at least say something about everyone, then if we just each pick three "winners" that could work out. I feel like I'm just complicating what was a fine process.  And there will still be a counting process involve with that.

Just for those that don't know how stuff like SotW works...

You pick a top "three" - your first place gets 3 points, second gets 2 points, and third gets 1 point. Points tallied up, and yeah, you can figure out the rest.

Though I think it would be infinitely helpful if someone else at least offered some input.


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## Garfield (Mar 25, 2014)

Well of course, I'm not saying we should stop the review process, just the rating process. I feel counting through posts with only three names will be much easier, at least for me. Basically What I'd just do is write down all names on a paper and as I see a post with a vote, I put down a mark in front of the three names in the post. Name with most ticks is winrar.

What in your opinion is the advantage in giving everyone a numerical rating? I'm innocently asking by the way, not remarking snidely >_>


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## Tyrael (Mar 25, 2014)

Keep it as it is says I - the rating is as big a part of the contest as the writing of the fics. I can tally if you've got too much on your plate adee, it's no bother.


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## Krory (Mar 25, 2014)

adee said:


> Well of course, I'm not saying we should stop the review process, just the rating process. I feel counting through posts with only three names will be much easier, at least for me. Basically What I'd just do is write down all names on a paper and as I see a post with a vote, I put down a mark in front of the three names in the post. Name with most ticks is winrar.
> 
> What in your opinion is the advantage in giving everyone a numerical rating? I'm innocently asking by the way, not remarking snidely >_>



As inane and archaic as a way of doing things as it is (because I'm one of those folks that always says, for example, maybe video game reviews should just be rid of numerical ratings), I think that's the "go to" for a lot of people. Even me, myself - look at how I reacted last time. At first it was less than what I read about everyone thought of mine and more like, "Wow, I only got a 5/10. I REALLY need to step up my game." It's a quick and dirty way to get the point across.

Really it comes down to I think the difference between us and SotW is that all of us are looking to better ourselves. SotW feels MORE like a competition where we're trying to push ourselves. Not saying SotW doesn't do that but it feels - having participated in both - to me that Flash Fiction thrives more on that feedback. Like me, I know I'm never going to win so for me seeing what people THINK and how they think I can improve is a key for me.

It'd be much easier to tally with their method but then it feels like everyone else gets shafted if they're looking for feedback, you know?

Like I said before maybe an easier way to do it is at least make a separate thread that is _*solely*_ for the ratings and reviews where people post. This is it, if someone wants to respond to what people say or just talk casually about the contest or interpretations, we can use this thread. At least that way, we don't have posts of people responding to any criticisms or help polluting the whole thing.




Tyrael said:


> Keep it as it is says I - the rating is as big a part of the contest as the writing of the fics. I can tally if you've got too much on your plate adee, it's no bother.



I'm here to help out, too. I know I'm not a veteran to this like you folks but I can lend a hand where it's needed. It's not like I do anything else with my time.


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## Garfield (Mar 25, 2014)

Having a separate rating thread does have it's advantages. However if we're to do that, the google form is even simpler. Because it kinda gives you a nice spreadsheet to play around with


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## Krory (Mar 25, 2014)

adee said:


> Having a separate rating thread does have it's advantages. However if we're to do that, the google form is even simpler. Because it kinda gives you a nice spreadsheet to play around with



Err, yeah, true.  Yeah, let's just go with what we're doing here. Just gotta make sure everyone fills out the Google Form.

Really the best way to figure out what to do I think is to wait it out because who knows how many of these folks we've got are actually going to be coming back, you know?


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## Garfield (Mar 25, 2014)

And as we've seen, first time participants always shy away (understandably) from ratings.


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## Krory (Mar 25, 2014)

I can admit it's a little intimidating, so I can see why some people feel that way. Honestly, I felt that way myself. I felt like a damn moron doing my ratings because I feel like a number of you here are superior to me, so it's sort of like... what place do I have telling you folks my opinion on things, you know? I look at it as the equivalent of... I don't know... like Miley Cyrus trying to tell Pearl Jam what's wrong with their music.

Or something.

I just know what I like and know what I don't like and I just typically doing get into all of the technical aspects of things and it feels like that's just not up to snuff of what other people do and feel. And as made evident, I seem to be _much_ more lenient in my ratings.


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## Garfield (Mar 25, 2014)

> Miley Cirus
> Music

I lol'd legit


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## Krory (Mar 25, 2014)

And now you know how I really feel about myself and my writing. 

I think this Flash Fiction I did is the first time I didn't start questioning myself moments after finishing it. It was a nice feeling. But overall I realize after the fact that I produce pretty low quality.


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## Tyrael (Mar 25, 2014)

Hopefully people'll be encouraged to rate if they see a bunch of us put our own ratings up, give people a better idea of what the format and so on is.

Also, I really wouldn't take leniency in scores as an indication of being better/worse at critiquing. Not sure I'd put it in a hierarchy. What I like about the FFs is the diversity of opinions: if we were all judging based on the same criteria it wouldn't be useful to get more than one person's input really.


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## Banhammer (Mar 25, 2014)

Adjudicator Discourse Rating System

0-100

0-50 -> Terrible, trash, barely on topic
50-60-> Discernible and on topic, but not persuasive
60-70-> Adequate and coherent. Mildly presuasive with discernible flow
70-80-> Great flow and logical establishment of ideas. Clear and very presuasive
80-90-> Overwhelmingly logical and master of powerful tones to narrative's advantage
90-100-> Truly inspired. A speech on this rating rarely happens outside of World Class speakers and the witnessing of it, compels record for posteriority


Once established inside one of these classes you rate it from one to ten based on leaning. (If it was half way through you give it a five, and if it was halfway through the middle and one of the extremes, you give it another chip or two) and thus get such points as "72" or "65"


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## Garfield (Mar 25, 2014)

Translated to LD then:

0-4: Terrible spelling, many grammatical mistakes, barely stayed close to any logical interpretation of topic

4-5: reads ok

5-6: Krory/adee level

6-7: engaging

7-8: glimmer of awesomeness, Tj level

8-9: Ty/Mist/Amnesia level

9-10: Holy shit, did O Henry join the forums?


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## Stelios (Mar 26, 2014)

I ll state the obvious and say that you were not prepared for this incoming load of literature. Instead of finding a new procedure on the go why don't you just do the reviews like you used to and then we can work all together to establish something more viable than google doc forms. Seriously do you know how easy is to exploit that form and rate everything infinite times only to just mess with you or the rankings?


Example : Flash Fiction thread 3 voting thread

Rules:
*
1) voters MUST post their reviews first
2) Review posts only ( no personal comments , no chat between the readers and the voters)
3) Only voters are allowed to post in this thread.
4) voters are visible and can pick multiple choice.
5) Each voter gets to choose ONLY 3 choices.*

Result: in the end the top 3 would stand out. Only those who really reviewed actually voted.  That would require also moderators to be strict and enforce the rules by letter and who ever does not comply well mods know how to ban trouble anyway. The end result would be fair , visible and as soon as the voting is over that thread can be locked and move on to the new contest.

I think what I propose is much more easier and viable than having people to browse off the forum to fill Google doc forms and then rely on adee's personal time to give us the results.

If you feel I m being wrong here please give me some feedback and let me know why do you think that the above wouldn't work.


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## tgre (Mar 26, 2014)

I was pretty happy with the old format tbh.

Just a bunch of constructive comments on the piece with a rating out of 10 at the end. Then it all gets compiled and top 3 get announced.

Will get my ratings up in this fashion relatively soon.


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## Buskuv (Mar 26, 2014)

I think if we have a thread JUST to review/rate the Flash Fiction entries, we could forgo any elaborate and unnecessary ideas, so it's a lot less work for everyone involved, including reviewers.  However, if that were the case, I'd probably hijack this thread; meaning, you'd have to take the discussion to the Convo thread--which is what it's for lol.

Does anyone think this might work?  Devote this thread entirely to ratings/reviews, and we can take the general discussion, feedback and banter to the convo thread and give it some love since it's basically dead?  As hilarious as it would be to have 8 stickied threads, I'd like to avoid it.


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## Garfield (Mar 26, 2014)

I vote we have 98 stickies.

I'm always a stickler for sticky stuff


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## Krory (Mar 26, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I think if we have a thread JUST to review/rate the Flash Fiction entries, we could forgo any elaborate and unnecessary ideas, so it's a lot less work for everyone involved, including reviewers.  However, if that were the case, I'd probably hijack this thread; meaning, you'd have to take the discussion to the Convo thread--which is what it's for lol.
> 
> Does anyone think this might work?  Devote this thread entirely to ratings/reviews, and we can take the general discussion, feedback and banter to the convo thread and give it some love since it's basically dead?  As hilarious as it would be to have 8 stickied threads, I'd like to avoid it.



This is basically what I was suggesting, and how the SotW works. Each new competition has its own unique rating/voting thread (well the "Ballot" thread). They also each have their own discussion thread but I think we can get by with just using the discussion thread. It would probably make things, regardless, at least look a lot neater and more organized, I think.

So I think it would be a good idea - especially since we mostly use this for bullshit convo and, like you said, the other is just dead when we could just as well use that.

So I'm all for this.


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## Stelios (Mar 26, 2014)

well currently everyone including me and you is writing w/e here. If this was meant only for ratings it would definitely be more clean and easy to read. It seems to me that Literature posters have no "thread" where they can interact in free form.


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## Firaea (Mar 26, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _Ratings_ 



Krory:


*Spoiler*: __ 



Well-written dialogue can be quite hard to come by, but I think you got it right. It was a simple scene, but well-narrated and somehow rather poignant. I simply enjoyed it.

8/10




Jaded Heart:


*Spoiler*: __ 



The overall description and narration is fluent and good, though I feel as if the imagery could be more affecting. I quite like the concept, though I think there's room for improvement in the execution.

7/10




tGre teh Disleksik


*Spoiler*: __ 



The writing felt rather basic and it didn't seem to have any cogent direction either. There're also issues with the paragraphing and punctuation.

4/10




lucky


*Spoiler*: __ 



Very well-written throughout. The language brought across the comfort of Ana's presence well, and I quite like the ironic ending as well.

8/10




tari101190


*Spoiler*: __ 



While the language is alright, the concept is rather alienating and uninteresting IMO.

5/10




Luey


*Spoiler*: __ 



There's definitely much to be worked on in terms of paragraphing and there're several grammatical errors too. It didn't really manage to bring across its point well.

4/10




Fedster


*Spoiler*: __ 



I quite like the concept you have here, especially the psychological mystery (Eve? Forbidden fruit?), though I think the dialogue could be better. It didn't really draw me into it as if I were in the conversation. The ending leaves me very, very curious in a good way.

7/10




Stelios


*Spoiler*: __ 



There're some language errors (or typos) here and there that need work, and while I think there's promise in the concept of 'paradise' in a post-apocalyptic setting, it would take a lot more power to bring the message across well.

5/10




IdioticGamer


*Spoiler*: __ 



Some language errors here and there. I think the concept shows some promise as well, but again I don't think the portrayal was powerful enough.

6/10




Oceania


*Spoiler*: __ 



I'm sorry but this was pretty bad... It was too short to mean anything, and the language was faulty as well.

2/10




MonkeyDNaruto


*Spoiler*: __ 



Hmm, I'm not sure I like the fact that each paragraph has no real link to each other even though they're each varying interpretations of 'paradise' (I think?). The language is alright, but I'm not quite sure the message was conveyed well.

5/10




lokoxDZz


*Spoiler*: __ 



The paragraphing is a massive disaster, and the language is very faulty as well.

2/10




adee


*Spoiler*: __ 



There're a few grammatical lapses here and there, especially in comma usage, but the language is otherwise alright. I personally find the concept alienating, so it didn't really strike me very much.

6/10




Leeroy Jenkins


*Spoiler*: __ 



The language is excellent and very sophisticated. It was a little short, though, and purely descriptive so I find that a little less striking. Nevertheless, the fantastic language and imagery deserves acclaim in and of itself.

8/10




Linkofone


*Spoiler*: __ 



While there're no major problems, the language and concept is rather basic. I think better execution of the concept would have helped.

5/10




Tyrael


*Spoiler*: __ 



Pretty well-written overall, I'd say. You did well illustrating the whole scene, though the concept itself didn't speak to me very much. Nevertheless, you made it work quite decently.

7/10




tari101190

Correct me if I'm mistaken, but I thought only one submission was allowed? Pretty sure he has already submitted an entry. 


Mist Puppet


*Spoiler*: __ 



Well-written piece. The concept isn't particularly special or original, but the execution made it work well. There's a certain simplicity to it which is charming.

7/10




Banhammer


*Spoiler*: __ 



The paragraphing needs some work. It's kind of a pain to read that way. Fairly original way of interpreting the topic, but I think the language doesn't do enough to put the reader in the shoes of a mouse.

5/10




Pyro


*Spoiler*: __ 



The language is overall decent, though a little basic. There's room for improvement in terms of more vivid imagery and the like. Nevertheless, I really like the concept. It gave off an air of enigma and tension which kept it interesting. I wish more elaboration could have been given to the ironic interpretation of 'Paradise', though.

7/10







Am I doing it right? Sorry about the very short reviews. I have neither the time nor energy to do elaborate reviews, especially not for so many entries. This alone is already rather tiring and time-consuming. 

That, and the fact that I find myself rather inadequate when it comes to giving critique since I'm rather mediocre myself.


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## Garfield (Mar 26, 2014)

I'm sorry, but I kinda went through my piece multiple times before posting and even now after reading your post. I can't see where I made grammatical error, I'd please like you to go in more detail if you could. Thanks 

I do agree with you and Stelios that this was a little hard to understand. Almost everything in my setting is a metaphor, so it would take more investment of time to appreciate than is probably validated by this contest.


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## Krory (Mar 26, 2014)

Stelios said:


> well currently everyone including me and you is writing w/e here. If this was meant only for ratings it would definitely be more clean and easy to read. It seems to me that Literature posters have no "thread" where they can interact in free form.



I think  is meant to be a "free form" thread. I really just saw people typically posting here so this is where I gravitated towards, you know? But I think Boskov is saying using the thread just posted for, basically, what we're doing now - talking, conversing, suggesting, etc. Then make individual threads that are _solely_ for the scores and reviews.

I would think even people who are responding to reviews and ratings should then use the conversation thread to respond to any qualms and such.

@Firea - In regards to tari, as I think adee said, I think we rate all of his stories and then his score is tabulated/averaged from ALL of those scores. I'll comment on your rating of mine in a moment, just a little busy at the moment - sorry! Otherwise it looks like you did fine with your ratings/reviews. :33 Thanks for participating.


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## Firaea (Mar 26, 2014)

adee said:


> I'm sorry, but I kinda went through my piece multiple times before posting and even now after reading your post. I can't see where I made grammatical error, I'd please like you to go in more detail if you could. Thanks
> 
> I do agree with you and Stelios that this was a little hard to understand. Almost everything in my setting is a metaphor, so it would take more investment of time to appreciate than is probably validated by this contest.





adee said:


> Words: 489 title not included.
> 
> 
> *Spoiler*: _Rigorous, the crow drops stones. The crow pulls the rope even_
> ...



I think it's mostly a problem with your usage of commas. Also, on my second read I think I understand and relate to it a little more. I was skimming through on my first read (reading all the entries at once gets a little mind-numbing. ).


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## Banhammer (Mar 26, 2014)

Eh, with five hundred words to work with, I'll admit to cutting a lot of the FP view in favor of what I felt like telling instead

I take the luxury of typing splurges  for granted.
I had a harder time understanding the paragraphing issue though,


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## Garfield (Mar 26, 2014)

Firaea said:


> I think it's mostly a problem with your usage of commas. Also, on my second read I think I understand and relate to it a little more. I was skimming through on my first read (reading all the entries at once gets a little mind-numbing. ).
> 
> 
> *Spoiler*: __
> ...



10         char


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## Krory (Mar 26, 2014)

> [Ah, I was taught that the comma after quotation is necessary if you're continuing sentence. Will have to read up on that one]



From my limited knowledge, this is true, but the comma goes _inside_ of the quotation mark. However, in this situation, your exclamation point substitutes that.

“Best run fast, then you won't get hit again,"

This would be how you type it otherwise, from what I know. But again, you can use question marks or exclamation points as viable substitution to that comma - at that point, the comma just becomes redundant.



> [Reference was to the singular "unnoticeable" though. Should unnoticeable be treated as plural here?]



In this situation, I believe you are right, adee - "wasn't" is the correct form.




> [Ah, ok. I have a habit of putting commas when I give a pause in the narration in my head, maybe I should rethink that strategy]



In this situation, I think Fir is right, the comma there is unnecessary. Maybe it's just my thinking but the pause in this narration doesn't make much sense to me.


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## tgre (Mar 26, 2014)

Firae said:
			
		

> tGre teh Disleksik
> 
> 
> *Spoiler*: __
> ...



Cheers for the critique!

I reread my piece and was confused with your issue on paragraphing. Can you elaborate? I'm not going to debate punctuation only because of my usage of colloquialisms and I understand that it might be a difficult read for some.

Not going to debate cogency either because that's a matter of opinion and everyone in this subforum deserves as much respect for their opinion as the next. Personally, I was experimenting with a perspective from another world completely dissimilar to my own and as such my interpretation of the topic can definitely be categorized as not being cogent or compelling to some. 

Was actually inspired to write this after reading some slang-heavy DFW works. Kinda expected this piece to polarize though. I was actually hoping for critique involving ways to improve the atmosphere without needing verbosity- any thoughts?


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## tgre (Mar 26, 2014)

on second thought, my punctuation isn't that great. Hrm- I've been too carefree and ended up writing it more like a post on nf than an actual short piece.

Zz


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## Krory (Mar 26, 2014)

Damn it, TJ, what happened to you? You used to be cool!


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## tgre (Mar 26, 2014)

Two reviews in and I'm sitting at 4.5/10 average. The cool kids always coasted on their looks during class anyway.

/gently sobs while applying more hair gel


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## Garfield (Mar 26, 2014)

Conversation pieces are the hardest to work with from my perspective actually. Well that's considering you want to make them really good.


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## Linkofone (Mar 26, 2014)

Thanks for the critiques!


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## The Pirate on Wheels (Mar 26, 2014)

I sort of like the super jumbled back and forth free flow thread.  The discussion and response and conversation quality of the rating and reviews is kind of nice, but I can understand how being disorganized when you have a lot of people, and need to tally, can be a pain.


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## Buskuv (Mar 26, 2014)

We can have all of that in the convo--hell, link the single posts with feedback if you want.  

Discussion and banter is good.  I don't want to remove or stifle that.  However, this thread has become a convo thread its own, and we need somewhere for literal criticism and ratings, and it gets lost in reams of off-topic or vaguely on-topic posts, so it becomes a nightmare to tally or even find people's ratings of your work.

Unless anyone here as any digressions?


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## lokoxDZz (Mar 26, 2014)

Firaea said:


> *Spoiler*: _Ratings_
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thanks rating it,i  really expected something like that since i'm only starting to write what i want in english now,but i will see every error and next flashfiction i surely will come better


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## tgre (Mar 26, 2014)

I'm more than happy for you to make a thread and move the current ratings posts in there. If not I'll just link to my ratings post in this thread.

Cheers Andy


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## Krory (Mar 26, 2014)

I'm game, let's do this shit.


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## Buskuv (Mar 26, 2014)

I mean, basically, I'd just have you guys cuss and discuss in the convo, and ONLY post direct feedback and ratings here.  There's no need to make a separate thread, unless you think it'll become too chaotic in the convo.


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## Krory (Mar 26, 2014)

As extremely minor and trivial as it might seem, maybe to "christen" the change, just rename this to say "Feedback & Ratings Thread" or something like that?

But yes, this is good. Let's do that. This is officially my post here.


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## Firaea (Mar 26, 2014)

tari101190


*Spoiler*: __ 



There're a few structural errors and the like. This is a little more interesting than the previous piece, I'd say, but I think the language doesn't quite bring out the theme powerfully enough. I wouldn't say it's bad, but it could be better.

6/10




tari101190


*Spoiler*: __ 



There're several errors you made in terms of language in this one. It didn't really seem to be saying anything much, and again the concept wasn't really brought to life by the language. 

5/10




Selina Kyle


*Spoiler*: __ 



Fairly interesting idea that reminds me of those futuristic dystopian stories. Sound language overall as well, though the short length meant that it lacked more elaboration and fleshing out which could have brought out the idea even better.

5/10


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## Garfield (Mar 30, 2014)

Ratings then: Will post remaining short reviews in separate post. So if we decide that two threads are to be made one for each, then we can do it.

Krory: 9/10
Jaded: 9/10
tGre: 9/10
lucky: 7.5
tari: 7
Luey: 7
Fedster: 7
Stelios: 6.5
Idiotic: 7.5
Firaea: 7
Oceania: 5
Monkey: 8
loko: 6
Leeroy: 5.5
LinkofOne: 7
Tyrael: 9.5
Mist Puppet: 9.5
Banhammer: 8
Pyro: 7.5
Selina: 6


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## Garfield (Mar 30, 2014)

Remaining reviews (shorter because lol fading interest of people):


*Spoiler*: _lucky_ 



I like the raw realism of your piece. There's some pretty obvious grammatical errors, but for a new entrant, I won't hold it against you. It's very easy to relate to your piece because it's so simple yet contains some of the very common pathological triggers. I see potential here. 

I think the kid's dialogue was pretty cutting, but it didn't feel very childish and very childish at the same time. Dunno, something felt off. Also, the simplicity I brought up before kinda acts like a double edged sword and I feel it could have contained more. Good attempt imo though.





*Spoiler*: _tari_ 



Apart is misused. Obvious out of the way, Your piece sounded like what a preacher would kinda speak about in a sermon, haha. It was more like an essay than a traditional flashfic. You do manage to talk about a lot of things and bring in a lot of aspects of your thought. I liked the nice flow to it all. Either you have a good thought process or you worked hard for the piece, either is good.

However, there's a slight naivety coming through your piece. I think as you work more on your pieces, you'll whittle at it slowly. Good piece, keep up the enthusiasm. 





*Spoiler*: _Luey_ 



I'm going to overlook your grammar and formatting problems because I think you haven't learned English much, so no big deal. Well, you being from Nigeria gave me a very nice setting for your piece and holy shit, I empathized with it so much. It's clear that you put a lot of thought into even this short piece. It is also very real. It's very gripping. I just wish you were able to make it pretty enough that it mirrored the strength of your material. Good start, mate. I really really hope you participate more. I'm willing to help edit your pieces next time (even though I'm not very good at it, still). Keep working mate!





*Spoiler*: _Fedster_ 



haha Eve and Gabriel. imaginative, that's for sure. Your language and everything is pretty par for the course. But for some strange reason, I don't really have much to say abotu it, sorry 





*Spoiler*: _Stelios_ 



Damn, trust you to break the fourth wall. Why'd you write that last sentence I'll never understand  And this was a much better try than previous ones, but that last line was just so annoying man. Don't let breaking the 4th become your schtick. It's only funny in the right setting. This was not it. But still, an improvement. However your narration seems a little too conversational.





*Spoiler*: _Idiotic_ 



Ok, I like the buildup, in the beginning, it seems pretty slow and there seems to be no point to it all. But then slowly everything comes into focus a bit. But there were a few things like the bone skeleton that still don't make complete sense. And especially that paragraph about the cliff and bridge. I feel you could phrase it better. But as I said, I really like the buildup.





*Spoiler*: _Firaea_ 



I still haven't understood the grand picture of this story. It's pretty and colourful and you've spent a lot of energy in taking us through a lot of images. But I don't see the images leading somewhere concrete.





*Spoiler*: _Oceania_ 



Well, it was good, but too short. I think that's the thing detracting your score the most, sorry. It could easily have been something much better.





*Spoiler*: _Monkey_ 



Oh haha, twist ending. I like how earlier, it seemingly seemed very chaotic and completely different story before you get to the fourth paragraph. Good work. However, the three stories could have been put better in my opinion. Anyways, nice idea!





*Spoiler*: _loko_ 



Well there's definitely lot going on here, but you're probably not a native English speaker, so your lack of good writing makes it so hard to read and understand. I read this a couple times but I'm still not sure I've read it the way you wanted me to. Hopefully you, like Luey will improve your rhetoric as well. It's very important.





*Spoiler*: _Leeroy_ 



Well this was a little, more simplistic and direct take on same lines as monkey's maybe because we read his first and it had a nice impact that yours will not, sorry. It's also a little less imaginative. You should have expanded more imo. Hopefully you'll keep trying! Good start.





*Spoiler*: _LinkofOne_ 



Well, this is pretty similar to a shonen manga premise. One of those modern Aesop's fables. with a very strong Japanese anime setting. It's a little bland though, because it lacks anything outright new and thought provoking, sorry. I hope you'll work on that for next time.





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 



Solid piece man, Solid. It seems simplistic and uneventful at the outset, but when you think about it, it's just very deep. And so Goddamn British. I was almost imagining Ian Anderson in this narration for some reason. Very well done.





*Spoiler*: _Mist_ 



;_; Manly tears were shed. A little cliched though the story was, it was definitely very well written and gripped at the reader's attention expertly. Very nice read as always, senpai.





*Spoiler*: _Banhammer_ 



Wow, this was really taxing to read, because it was really abstruse. Or maybe I was overthinking where unwarranted. But I kept finding metaphors, so I kept clutching at the purchase so to speak. This was really good exercise and were I not so tired, I reckon I'd have enjoyed it more.





*Spoiler*: _Pyro_ 



This was very video-gamey. But ok, I don't think you should be as disappointed as you were. It was a very familiar scenario but you introduced some new elements, to try and throw the reader off the track. It's all good. The ending was a tad predictable, but didn't take away much from the story. I'd be happy with the way the premise turned out. It's a different interpretation than others, so that's a plus.





*Spoiler*: _Selina_ 



Well, it was a little predictable as well, sorry but you should have kinda built it up a little more. However, ok for an introductory piece and hopefully we'll see a bigger one next time.


----------



## Mist Puppet (Apr 2, 2014)

would have finished this last night but NF was being a butt. 

Krory: 8/10
Jaded: 7/10
tGre: 8/10
lucky: 6/10
tari: 7/10
Luey: 5/10
Khris: 3/10
Fedster: 7/10
Stelios: 5/10
Idiotic: 7/10
Firaea: 9/10
Oceania: 4/10
Monkey: 7/10
loko: 4/10
adee: 8/10
Leeroy: 6/10
LinkofOne: 6/10
Tyrael: 9/10
Mist Puppet: 
Banhammer: 9/10
Pyro: 7/10
Selina: 8/10
Sleipnyr: 5/10


*Spoiler*: _krory_ 



0/10 for using 1st person


*Spoiler*: _the real review_ 



A real improvement over the last story. The driver's personality really shines through his dialogue, and the ending was really nice (I think i've been watching too much twilight zone/tales from the darkside/the outer limits because i expected something else )

my favorite part is this segment:



> "Prolly m'boss. Real stickler, that guy. But I ain't about t?answer a damn phone while driving. Accidents happen that way, right?? He meets my gaze. "Sorry, man... that insensitive? Shit, can never tell."



overall a well-written entry. good job








*Spoiler*: _Jaded Heart_ 



Lots and lots of imagery. Paints a very vivid picture of the setting, but i feel as though you could have condensed a lot of it and make room for something else, like a contrast between what the narrator's father was then and now.

It's a good story regardless.





*Spoiler*: _tGre_ 



like krory's, your piece has the character's personality shine through in their dialogue. it also made me laugh a couple of times. 

Naming the cops Porky and Lurch was a nice touch. 

reading it over again, it looks like something I'd see on the boondocks  Probably a segment with Thugnificent or Riley.

beginning is slow rolling though





*Spoiler*: _lucky_ 



I like the idea behind your story (I originally planned on writing something similar), but the actual execution is hit-and-miss for me. 

there are some parts that are great (the second paragraph, the ending), and then there are parts that just flow awkwardly or feel out of place, like the first paragraph and the family dialogue.





*Spoiler*: _tari_ 



i commend you for your enthusiasm  I hope it continues

Anyways, the story of genesis from the perspective of an angel. It reads like a scathing commentary, and I like it. More rhetorical questions than I'd like, but the narrator seems to think lowly of humans in general.





*Spoiler*: _Luey_ 



Holy giant wall of text, Batman!

There is a good foundation for a story here, but it jumps all over the place. There was also some things that could have been elaborated on, like why the narrator is better off than the native. 

A nice idea (very similar in tone to lucky's story), but needs some more polishing.





*Spoiler*: _Khris_ 



The story felt very impersonal and robotic to me. There's not really much of a personality coming from the narrator or any of the characters. Maybe if we knew what the narrator did, what he lived through, the reader would be more invested in the story. The experience sounds harrowing, but it never comes off that way. 





*Spoiler*: _Fedster_ 



Ha, an interesting backdrop for that story. The beginning felt out of place for me, but the rest of the story was good. It's a neat interpretation.





*Spoiler*: _Stelios_ 



There's a time and a place for everything. That last line broke off any immersion I had in your story. Your descriptions of the characters also don't flow very well into what you're writing. Often times they just come out of nowhere. 

You have improved from your last two entries, though. 





*Spoiler*: _IdioticGamer_ 



A good piece but there are some things that seem out of place, like the skeleton and the cliff with no path. It seems like there's supposed to be a lot more significance to them, but I'm not seeing it. 





*Spoiler*: _Firaea_ 



Really well-written and great imagery. No complaints here.





*Spoiler*: _Oceania_ 



Too short for what you're trying to sell me





*Spoiler*: _Monkey_ 



A bit confusing since I thought this was one story, so the changing scenery and perspective was jarring. But I like the idea of it. 





*Spoiler*: _loco_ 



I'm usually not a stickler for grammar unless it's too hard to ignore. But it makes the whole story hard to read and even harder to understand. Hopefully you can work on making it better so your story can shine through





*Spoiler*: _adee_ 



An enjoyable read. There are some places where a period or a semicolon would have fit better than a comma ("She rubbed her behind, getting knocked down was no fun.")





*Spoiler*: _Leeroy_ 



It's a good start, and its nice and simple. The ending doesn't feel very final to me though.





*Spoiler*: _Linkofone_ 



i shouldn't have expected anything else really 

It's pretty straightforward, but also plain. Plain isn't always a bad thing, but I think there's a lot of room for creativity.





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 



Another good story from you Tyrael. Simple on the outside, but subtle and poignant as well upon re-reading it. Good work.





*Spoiler*: _Banhammer_ 



I enjoyed this story a lot. Lots of metaphors to describe things from a mouse's perspective, which works well. 

I share the same quirk with firaea so it is kind of hard to read at first.





*Spoiler*: _Pyro_ 



An interesting interpretation of the theme, and its nice that you have a twist ending, but the ending itself doesn't really mix with the rest of the story. Just feels too abrupt, especially for an ominous message like "nobody ever leaves". Meeting a similar fate to the boy they found would have been a better fit I think.





*Spoiler*: _Selina_ 



A pretty short story, but the length adds to the simplicity of the story. I think you could work on word choice; the last sentence could have definitely had more of an impact if you replaced euthanasia with something else.

It stands on its own two feet, which is what I like.





*Spoiler*: _Sleipnyr_ 



I dislike the overuse of ellipses; in the majority of the parts you used them in, they didn't feel necessary at all. 

The story wasn't engaging for me. It just felt flat; nothing drew me into the story or the narrator's experience.


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## Garfield (Apr 2, 2014)

Spank you wisp, spank you v. much.


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## Linkofone (Apr 2, 2014)

> i shouldn't have expected anything else really



What is that suppose to mean? 

Also thanks for the critique. (Don't know if I should be commenting here though)


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## Mist Puppet (Apr 2, 2014)

Linkofone said:


> What is that suppose to mean?



it means that when I started reading the story, I wasn't surprised 

(badly worded but sometimes i have two left hands)


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## Firaea (Apr 3, 2014)

Khris


*Spoiler*: __ 



I don't see any major problems with the language, but at the same time the lack of structural variation makes the entire narrative feel rather chunky and impedes the imagination of the piece. It doesn't do enough to bring across the emotions and the vivacity of the scene.

5/10




Sleipnyr


*Spoiler*: __ 



The structure is a little weird, and I didn't really feel engaged by the piece in what it was trying to portray.

5/10


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## Linkofone (Apr 3, 2014)

Mist Puppet said:


> it means that when I started reading the story, I wasn't surprised
> 
> (badly worded but sometimes i have two left hands)



Oh. 

Ok. Cool.


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## Nordstrom (Apr 3, 2014)

I really need to start using the new format I've been pushing through for my completed stories. It seems writing in my old style is the problem.

Thanks for the reviews. It seems like the complaints about the story are the same as my qualms... It had no strong point. Makes sense. I had another one ready, but didn't pushed it through due to the ludicrous amount of imagery well over 500 words and the need to deploy tons of character info.

Also:

*Spoiler*: _Selina_ 



Not only does it hits a chord (with my experience in this place and the world at large). It also seems to speak of a genuine truth. Nothing's better alive than it could be dead.

8/10


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## Banhammer (Apr 4, 2014)

wow, that is some awesome feedback Feels good man


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## Krory (Apr 6, 2014)

Jaded Heart - 7/10
tGre - 6/10
lucky - 9/10
tari101190 - 7/10
Luey - 4/10
Khris - 4/10
Fedster - 6/10
Stelios - 5/10
IdioticGamer - 7/10
Firaea - 8/10
Oceania - 3/10
MonkeyDNaruto - 6/10
lokoxDZz - 3/10
adee - 8/10
Leeroy Jenkins - 9/10
Linkofone - 6/10
Tyrael - 9/10
Mist Puppet - 9/10
Banhammer - 7/10
Pyro - 7/10
Selina Kyle - 6/10
Sleipnyr - 5/10

I'll do straight-up feedback for those who ask first, and try to work my way through this list. Just trying to get these numbers out here so hopefully we can start something else soon.


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## Garfield (Apr 6, 2014)

Well, actually in terms of feedback, I disagree with the rating you gave Luey. I know, it's a terrible composition in English, but consider that he's from Nigeria. Not a native language to him. Also, if you read his piece carefully, I think you'll find a significant depth of thought there. It seems very real. Especially if you compare to the fact that you're rating lucky very high (understandably...he's written a really good piece), so it seems kinda asymmetric to give Luey so low just for language.

Also, I'm unsure why Tj's getting kinda low ratings. Although I think most are not comfortable with the semi ghetto fictional setting he's tried to create, so I kinda understand.


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## Krory (Apr 6, 2014)

adee said:


> Well, actually in terms of feedback, I disagree with the rating you gave Luey. I know, it's a terrible composition in English, but consider that he's from Nigeria. Not a native language to him. Also, if you read his piece carefully, I think you'll find a significant depth of thought there. It seems very real. Especially if you compare to the fact that you're rating lucky very high (understandably...he's written a really good piece), so it seems kinda asymmetric to give Luey so low just for language.
> 
> Also, I'm unsure why Tj's getting kinda low ratings. Although I think most are not comfortable with the semi ghetto fictional setting he's tried to create, so I kinda understand.



Luey's didn't jive with me as much and it was more composition than it was language. Perhaps I'm being ignorant but I would think regardless of language that one mass wall of text would still look unwelcoming in comparison to splitting it up, even into two paragraph sections. Lucky's felt like it had more heart to it whereas Luey's read more like a critical piece. I mean, they are both hugely critical but Lucky's comes across as more heart-wrenching whereas Luey's feels more cold or angry. Not that there's anything immediately wrong with that - as I said, it is just my opinion that it was something unattractive to me in the portrayal.

The point of view matters greatly, Lucky's being from the point of view of the - for lack of a better term - "foreigner." The latter (Luey's) doesn't interest me as much, likely because that's _my_ point of view, so it does nothing for me. It was just uninteresting for me to read at all, grammar aside.

Although I can see your point, I also don't think that should give some people a pass because for all we know, someone would like to try and _improve_ in writing in a language unfamiliar to them, and just letting it slide does nothing for that (not that I helped either by including no feedback yet).

TJ's has partly to do with grammatical issues, such as...



> “Man, he looks all dopey an’ shit.” Chuck doubled back with laughter- “I swear he’s was hittin’ the pipe” [I am not sure a hyphen in this situation is proper to use]





> Woop Woop [Even if sound-effects, I believe some type of punctuation is necessary. I would also probably bold or italicize them or even capitalize to make it more apparent.]



And many, many of the spoken sentences don't even end with a period as they should.

The concept and speech is fine, but I feel the beginning throws things off too much with the dialogue. It looks a bit of a mess as I believe the dialogue should still be split up with spaces between the lines, as he does some of the other paragraphs in this piece, and I feel there's just a little too much in the beginning there without having any sort of additional description or identifier or anything. It reads more like a script for a brief moment and I found it distracting.

Then the first person view comes into play, and I think this piece can show just how dangerous that can be. In a first person piece, you're using the character's language, the "narrator's," and taking into account the dialogue, some of the narration just doesn't seem to fit his spoken language as much.



> Two men stepped out, *one a little portly*





> could hear the muffled thuds of Lurch’s feet as they *unsanctimoniously *made





> Chuck whipped out his phone and the *pale blue light illuminated* his face



These just stand out and seem almost uncharacteristic to me from the same person who narrates as referring to one of the cops as "Porky" and narrating phrases such as "hocked a loogie." It felt more like TJ was trying to add flourish to his work and narration, which is perfectly fine in most cases... it's just here it seems to clash with the rest of it and I feel there was definitely a way to achieve the kind of detail he was going for while remaining true to the character's nature and speech. Or, more interestingly, if there was something done to demonstrate how the character's nature is different from his demeanor - perhaps a "putting on airs" sort of bit, but that's neither here nor there.

But overall I did like this, or at least _wanted_ to, but there was just a lot to take away from it for me.


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## Banhammer (Apr 6, 2014)

still not as bad as a 5/10


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## Leeroy Jenkins (Apr 6, 2014)

I'm surprised I'm getting either really high ratings or kinda lowish ratings. Nothing really all that in between.

I'm curious why you rated it as highly as you did, Krory.


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## Krory (Apr 6, 2014)

Leeroy Jenkins said:


> I'm surprised I'm getting either really high ratings or kinda lowish ratings. Nothing really all that in between.
> 
> I'm curious why you rated it as highly as you did, Krory.



Simplicity and length, for starters. So many of us push that limit, a number of us even hit the 500 mark exactly. I, myself, struggle with trying to convey a point in that frame, and you did it in _half_. And although it could be part of something larger, it doesn't really feel to me like just a fragment. The emotion it conveys and the detail put into it, the stylization of the phrases, just makes it flow really well and it's pretty near-perfect to visualize for me. The end was really fabulous.


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## Firaea (Apr 7, 2014)

Language and execution makes a world of difference for me personally. Practically everything is cliched these days. No matter how good an idea is, chances are that someone else has had that idea before, so how it's written and executed really makes a difference to me.

So yeah. Personally, I would be pretty harsh on the score if the language isn't very sound. 



Leeroy Jenkins said:


> I'm surprised I'm getting either really high ratings or kinda lowish ratings. Nothing really all that in between.
> 
> I'm curious why you rated it as highly as you did, Krory.



There wasn't exactly a whole lot of depth or complexity to your piece, and the idea isn't a very new one, which is why I imagine it didn't quite click with some people.

I personally gave yours a pretty good score because as I stated above, language is vital to me. And of all the pieces here, I don't think I've seen anyone use the language as well as you did.


(On a completely side note, I thought we were supposed to discuss in the convo thread instead. )


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## Linkofone (Apr 7, 2014)

I'm just glad my "story's" rating was consistent.


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## Garfield (Apr 7, 2014)

Firaea said:


> Language and execution makes a world of difference for me personally. Practically everything is cliched these days. No matter how good an idea is, chances are that someone else has had that idea before, so how it's written and executed really makes a difference to me.
> 
> So yeah. Personally, I would be pretty harsh on the score if the language isn't very sound.



What I feel is that a lot of us aren't native English folk, so this is not an objective criterion fit for comparing parties who are good at English vs not that good at English. Depth of thought is a much better criterion in that sense. I'm not saying execution should not be a factor, but it shouldn't be so harshly dealt with considering a lot of us aren't even gunning for accuracy there. 

Also, as long as the idea is new to you, whether or not it's a clich? shouldn't make a difference, right?

I hope I'm not offending anyone by arguing btw, I love debating :3


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## Tyrael (Apr 7, 2014)

Numerical ratings coming next post.


*Spoiler*: _Krory_ 



You know, for a moment I thought you were gonna call the cabbie Charon (or maybe Sharon), but I guess that probably woulda crossed too many mythological streams. As it stands I?m not sure it really was necessary to explicitly name him, it made the whole metaphor a bit too obvious.

I liked the idea though, and I liked the cab driver?s ruminations, although I felt like the cab driver?s manner of speaking could have been taken down a notch. It was just a little bit too on the unclear side.

The way you ended it worked very well however, and the fact that the descriptions were very sparse and plain worked in a manner that I don?t feel was necessarily intended but was effective.

Solid idea, solid execution.





*Spoiler*: _Jaded Heart_ 



I really liked this one. The warmth of your prose came through best when you were keeping your style simple ? and it?s in the simplicity of this piece that I think is its greatest strength. You marvellously evoke a grown adult think of their father in a very childish way, and the genuineness and love that comes through that is great.

If I was to nitpick I?d say that there are moments where you drop unnecessary adjectives/adverbs, and it hurts the piece rather than enhancing it. Your attaching of adverbs onto every bit of speech is probably the most obvious example of this. It is a delicate balance you mostly manage to pull off very well however.





*Spoiler*: _tGre_ 



I?m not sure what you intended exactly, but the ending made me laugh. It seems like the callous disregard for human life shown by most of the characters in here was a very darkly ironic take on the theme, which I liked a lot. Surprising got quite a good sense of location despite very little description too.

I just don?t understand why you format it like that. Why no spaces between each paragraph, only certain paragraphs? I can?t imagine there?s a story reason to do it, but it just makes the whole thing read a lot messier.





*Spoiler*: _lucky_ 



Another grimly ironic take on the theme, and one which really touches on something particularly real.

Where this seems to fall down is the dissonance between your style and tone ? in your opening paragraph you attach at least one adj/adverb onto pretty much everything, and not only is it a bit too much, it also fails to set any real strong tone. I get that you were trying to reinforce the feeling of both pain and repetition, but I?m not sure that your style really fits that. Throughout the piece there are stylistic flourishes that don?t really seem to fit (?She knows not how much he needs her? is probably the most egregious example), which detract overall.





*Spoiler*: _tari_ 



Ah yes, the original sin. Was it necessary to make the opening passage so long? You set the tone, then you continue to set the tone, then you continue to set the tone, and all we learn is this story is about sex and children. It feels a bit padded. The strength of the rest of your piece is that you never really linger, but it seems like that?s all you?re doing in the intro.

Otherwise, it?s an effective enough piece, littered with decent flourishes (although I?d stay away from mixing metaphors ?Bright swords of light struck the garden from the sky like shards of fire thrown from the heavens themselves?). I like that it?s not from the point of view of Adam or Eve, or even God, but more as the heavenly host talking as a collective.





*Spoiler*: _Luey_ 



?Roofs of zinc? ? why would you phrase it that way? It doesn?t sound any better than zinc roofs. Your phrasing in a lot of this piece is quite clumsy, and it seems like your attempts to be poetic get in the way of what you?re saying.

Anyways, I?m guessing this is located somewhere in Africa? The lack of a solid location doesn?t add anything, nor does the cryptic hints about our main character?s past. I like that you?re using the weather and nature to try and build up a location, but most of the details are too vague to really communicate the sense of place you?re going for.

Not a bad idea, but under-developed and marred by a clumsy style. Don?t give up though, this is all about improving.


----------



## Tyrael (Apr 7, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _Khris_ 



I think some of the things that work best about this aren?t intentional ? is English your first language? This reads awkwardly, and much of your phrasing is clumsy or even seem incomplete. It doesn?t flow and feels inconsistent.

To an extent many of these flaws actually kinda work in the context of the piece. The clumsy descriptions and incoherence actually lends to the tone of the piece, and the lack of actual physical descriptions helps makes the piece dreamlike.

Not sure about the content necessarily ? a character in white surroundings, stabbed lots of times and then is told that they are in paradise. There?s something to work with their, but I?m not sure you were able to really do much with the concept.





*Spoiler*: _Fedster_ 



I struggled to get a handle on this. The story feels like it has more to it, but not enough to convey the underlying ideas well enough. Presumably you?re equating psychological healthiness with the existence within the garden? Or maybe it?s all a metaphor for her having an affair with the psychologist? Either way, it?s not quite connecting.

Stylistically, there?s a whole lot of tell and not enough show. Your prose could use tidying and more subtlety overall really.





*Spoiler*: _Stelios_ 



You?ve got some tense problems, and this piece is so decompressed that it doesn?t allow for you to tell us enough for a piece of this size. The scene isn?t well set ? not enough time spent on the details and too much on the effect of the details. For all you explain about the world, it still feels a bit blank and characterless. It?s not that this idea couldn?t have worked, but you need to use connotations and implications more. I?d keep away from using numbers in text ? writing the word twenty breaks flow less.




*Spoiler*: _IdioticGamer_ 



Matching the protagonist, this piece moves at a nice pace. It?s clean and simple, but information is parsed to the reader in a way that lets us build the picture slowly without it ever seeming too incomplete. The right balance of subtlety is achieved too.

There?s a few problems with tense and phrasing in there, but overall this is a very solid job, if perhaps limited a bit by it?s simplicity. World and character both would make me curious to see it expanded into a larger piece.





*Spoiler*: _Firea_ 



Really liked this, it flows like a stream between through situations and sensations and thoughts and feelings, character tightly bound up in style. Even if the language does slide a little bit into outright obfuscating at times.

Having said that, it feels like it?s unfinished. Maybe there?s no natural conclusion to the piece, but it seems as if there should be something to cap it off. As it is, your cryptic aside about paradise feels like weak and unnecessary nod to the theme.





*Spoiler*: _Oceania_ 



With a piece this short you should probably do something really self-contained. This is an introduction, so perhaps not best suited for something so short?




*Spoiler*: _MonkeyDNaruto_ 



Not sure this entry connected up particularly well ? maybe it?s a case of being too subtle, but I just don?t understand how it all properly comes together. Maybe the protagonist believes that not realising life is their own paradise is a sign of weakness, but I don?t see that connection being made well in the piece.

Aside from the lack of throughline, this is well written enough.





*Spoiler*: _LokoxDZz_ 



Reading this was difficult ? there?s no reason to paragraph like that. Take a space between each new paragraph, otherwise you?re just making the whole thing more difficult to read than it really should be. Your sentence construction, too, makes this hard to read ? is English your second language?

I get the feeling there are interesting ideas in here, but the stylistic issues and formatting problems overpower everything else ? even when I reread to try and figure out the story, I found I couldn?t stop thinking about the way it is written.

Still, don?t give up ? better flow comes with practice.





*Spoiler*: _adee_ 



I generally enjoy your pieces adee because they seem to be challenges to readers ? they are like puzzles to be worked out. This one seems a little bit too much like that for it?s own good ? I struggle to find a central idea that holds it all together. I guess there is the idea that struggle is necessary for people to be happy, but the ending doesn?t bring that idea to a conclusion. 

As ever you write well and fill this piece with interesting ideas and images, and I?m getting a distinct video game-y sense (with the idea that the ?He? is the player?) but it?s not quite coming together. However, it was intriguing enough that I wanted to be able to puzzle it out, which was much of the battle.





*Spoiler*: _Leeroy Jenkins_ 



Not keen on the run-on sentences here, and I felt as if we needed more details to properly immerse ourselves in the scene. You tell us the scene is beautiful, but you don?t actually tell us about the beauty ? what season is it? What is the vegetation? Why is it beautiful? Instead of showing us the beauty, you just tell us that it?s beautiful and move on. What?s more, there were a few of the descriptions that just seemed a bit like clich?s: ?The trace of lemon on her lips was a delightful complement to the sweetness in her affection? was perhaps the most egregious.

It kinda seemed like you didn?t have anything to say with this piece. Unless there?s something here I?m just totally missing, this seems an overly brief and vague dip into one moment.





*Spoiler*: _Linkofone_ 



Whilst posting something that isn?t self-contained to an FF is generally a bad idea, I do wanna give you points for how actually interesting your mythology seemed. It plays on intuitive and well known enough ideas that with only a little information you manage to paint a fairly full picture of what is going on. Your prose could be a bit sharper, but it works pretty well nonetheless.

Still, it does need to be more self-contained.





*Spoiler*: _Mist Puppet_ 



You run into troubles right away: ?Mona looked around the table, the neatly arranged gang of stuffed animals displaying the fruits of her labor.? The bolded needs to be killed, not only is it kinda dodgy tense-wise, it?s also unnecessary and explains too much.

?At that moment, surrounded by her fluffy and scaly companions, Mona never felt so alone.? You?ve constructed a subtle and interesting scene to tell us exactly that ? not only is this not necessary, it basically gives away what you communicate very well in a more subtle way over the whole scene.

?both disheveled and looked as though they had just gotten off a long plane flight? clumsy phrasing and tense problems again.

I did really enjoy the tea party set-up, and the way you laced the piece with little shaper details that made it seem real. The direction you took it in was earnest and I appreciate that you didn?t try and be too clever, instead creating an emotional impact. To create a character arc in 500 words is no mean feat.

The problem is that the emotional impact is a little bit softened by the lack of context ? to an extent you have to trade on the fact the implied parent daughter relationship, but it is still weaker than it could have been.

Mixed feelings on this one ? could have been a lot better, but the idea was nice, characters were fleshed out to a decent extent and when your style was working it was really nicely done.





*Spoiler*: _Banhammer_ 



Don?t know why you formatted it without gaps between paras ? literally all that does is make it more difficult to read.

I really liked the idea behind the piece and in most part really liked how you executed it too. There are a few roadbumps (for example, would the mouse think of itself as a critter?) and your overall style was a bit raw, but overall it is a well realised piece with an interesting and original take on the theme.




*Spoiler*: _Pyro_ 



Why write numbers in text? Just spell them out, breaks the flow of the sentence less.

It does seem like this had to be heavily abridged ? an awful lot of context missing here that otherwise would have made the scene more interesting. As you yourself acknowledge, it does seem like the theme is also pretty tenuous in here.

Your prose could be sharper, and the order which you reveal information to the reader can be a bit too chaotic without having any real good impact.

The idea of the book just being filled with the same words over and over again was suitably creepy though.





*Spoiler*: _Selina Kyle_ 



Haha, nice ending.

Not sure why you decided to make it so short though ? there?s certainly more mileage in this concept. You could have explored the society more, built up a bigger picture and given the people of the society more character. As it stands this is just too short to really be that effective.





*Spoiler*: _Sleipnyr_ 



You write?inadvisably. Too many ellipses, narration a bit too jittery and using dashes instead of speech marks whilst also using dashes heavily for parenthesis? It?s really messy.

That said, it did kinda work. It fitted the protagonist?s mood and it did help immerse me into his mindset, and raised what was something of a clich?d scene. At the same time, I guess that?s another strength ? it?s a simple and earnest piece, not trying to do too much.

Looking beyond your unconventional use of grammar, your prose create a poor sense of place and your descriptions of the girl were also a bit too tell-y and not show-y enough.

You also suggest at the end that the main character has been released from his worries and inhibitions, and made to feel free, but since we don?t really know this character well enough before he?s free for the change to mean anything.


----------



## Tyrael (Apr 7, 2014)

Krory = 6
JH = 9
tGre= 5.5
Lucky = 6.5
tari = 7
Luey = 3.5
Khris = 3
Fedster = 6
Stelios = 4
IdioticGamer = 7.5
Firea = 8
Oceana = 2
MonkeyDNaruto = 6.5
LokoxDZz = 3
adee = 7.5
Leeroy Jenkins = 5
Linkofone = 6
Mist Puppet = 7
Banhammer = 7.5
Pyro = 5
Selina Kyle = 4
Sleipnyr = 6


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## Banhammer (Apr 7, 2014)

I wanted to work the gaps within paragraphs to better punctuate the speed of the story, but looking back, I really should have let some in to allow the inherent anxiety some room and suspense to breathe.

They just feel awkward to me though. Like, wrong somewhat.
Probably because of the way I hand write in notes. I abhor wasting paper, but I loooove splurging words, so I fill every inch of line unless it starts to feel psychologically painful not to


----------



## Firaea (Apr 7, 2014)

adee said:


> What I feel is that a lot of us aren't native English folk, so this is not an objective criterion fit for comparing parties who are good at English vs not that good at English. Depth of thought is a much better criterion in that sense. I'm not saying execution should not be a factor, but it shouldn't be so harshly dealt with considering a lot of us aren't even gunning for accuracy there.
> 
> Also, as long as the idea is new to you, whether or not it's a clich? shouldn't make a difference, right?
> 
> I hope I'm not offending anyone by arguing btw, I love debating :3



I'll continue this in the convo thread. :33


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## Linkofone (Apr 7, 2014)

Thank you very much for the critique. It appears that my biggest problem is vagueness and generic-ness. I'll try to change.


----------



## Charlotte D. Kurisu (Apr 9, 2014)

Thanx for the ratings guys.. Will try to do better next time..


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## IdioticGamer (Apr 9, 2014)

Thanks guys for everything. Yeah English isn't my second language and I still need to learn more on terms of grammar. Will have to hang out on online tutorials or whatever I can find. Responded to Stelios via rep comment already.

Skeleton and the bridge huh. well they were meant for something, just wasn't represented well enough. Is it too late to change those scenes?

Oh and Krory, you said you'll respond to those who ask. Anything else I should know about mine?

Again thanks guys.


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## Garfield (Apr 12, 2014)

Fuck I just read through most of the old flashfic threads. Nice evening well spent.


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## Buskuv (Apr 12, 2014)

A lot of memories in those.


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## Tyrael (Apr 12, 2014)

adee said:


> Fuck I just read through most of the old flashfic threads. Nice evening well spent.



I thought the old threads have been deleted? Haven't been able to locate any of them.


----------



## Buskuv (Apr 12, 2014)

I rounded up what I could find of the old threads a few years ago.

A big problem with old links is that they changed our URL from forums.narutofan to narutoforums, so really old links are a dead end.  If you're really interested, though, I think the thread and page tags still work, you just need to change the base URL.


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## Garfield (Apr 12, 2014)

What I did was type the following in Google:

flash fic <year> or <roman numeral> (depending on which one is easier) site:

The ones that show up as archive, just click on the name and they will take you to the non-archived version.


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## Buskuv (Apr 13, 2014)

Oh, I know.  I've used that as a replacement for NF's awful search engine.

But I did so much work on that post.


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## Garfield (Apr 13, 2014)

Here's the missing links from that post, doc:

flashfic IV - 

flashfic VI - 

flashfic IX - 

flashfic XV - 

We had two XVIII flashfics. Second one - 

flashfic XIX - 

flashfic XX - 

flashfic XXI (It says XXVI but it's wrong lol) - 

flashfic XXII (Again...) - 

flashfic XXIII (Damn the numbering) - 

Flashfic XXIV (What the...) - 

Flashfic XXV (Finally back on track!) - 

Flashfic XXVI - 

We had a random Poem of the Week  - 

After one incomplete attempt - 

the "New" Flash fiction series began - 

And continued - 

and ended.....................


And thus began the new era of the "New and improved Flash Fictia"

Fictia is the plural jes?


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## Nordstrom (Apr 13, 2014)

Ja, keine sorge...

It'd be Fictiae, actually...


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## Tyrael (Apr 14, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> I rounded up what I could find of the old threads a few years ago.
> 
> A big problem with old links is that they changed our URL from forums.narutofan to narutoforums, so really old links are a dead end.  If you're really interested, though, I think the thread and page tags still work, you just need to change the base URL.





adee said:


> *Spoiler*: __
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Ah, excellent work guys, can't have been easy sourcing all those posts.

Maybe link both of them in LD Prize Parlour OP?



adee said:


> What I did was type the following in Google:
> 
> flash fic <year> or <roman numeral> (depending on which one is easier) site:
> 
> The ones that show up as archive, just click on the name and they will take you to the non-archived version.



Ah yeah, the NF search engine is tres useless. Should have occurred to me to just google.


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## Banhammer (Apr 14, 2014)

I had an idea where we could reward improvement and competition in a scalar and progressive way  in each contest.

There would be a "Best Rated" excrept, and then on record there would be sub categories for "Best Fifth Excerpt" to be disputed by those whose scene in question would mark the fifth time they entered the contest, and so on (Or by whatever earmark one finds acceptable, like every three, or every one, two, five, ten, etc )

This way, we could incentive people to keep writing, and improving, (you don't wanna drop a step on dat Ladder ) without being daunted by superior or more creative talents, or without having to pander to everyone everywhere at all time either


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## tgre (Apr 15, 2014)

krory said:


> Luey's didn't jive with me as much and it was more composition than it was language. Perhaps I'm being ignorant but I would think regardless of language that one mass wall of text would still look unwelcoming in comparison to splitting it up, even into two paragraph sections. Lucky's felt like it had more heart to it whereas Luey's read more like a critical piece. I mean, they are both hugely critical but Lucky's comes across as more heart-wrenching whereas Luey's feels more cold or angry. Not that there's anything immediately wrong with that - as I said, it is just my opinion that it was something unattractive to me in the portrayal.
> 
> The point of view matters greatly, Lucky's being from the point of view of the - for lack of a better term - "foreigner." The latter (Luey's) doesn't interest me as much, likely because that's _my_ point of view, so it does nothing for me. It was just uninteresting for me to read at all, grammar aside.
> 
> ...



Ah I wasn't going for the flourish at all. All the dialogue is brusque and raw while the narration was a little more refined. I was trying to make the juxtaposition obvious that even with colloquialisms involved, it can still be narrated with a some semblance of verbosity- of course this runs the risk of being a double edged sword as indicated. I was literally trying to convey a sense of irony between the two contrasting forms of storytelling but I don't think I pulled it off.

Also apologies for punctuation. As most of Blender knows my laptop is fucked so alot of the stuff was done through my phone and edited as such. I think I apologized for the structuring of my piece a few pages back as well. I wasn't doing this piece for the score though- I really  just want the feedback to improvs on first person pieces in the future so I might be able to get a solid grasp kn it.

Considering I've never approached the subject content in my piece at all, this is all new boundaries for me

Apologies again. When I type from my phone in a rush it still looks lime I'm drunktyping.


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## Krory (Apr 20, 2014)

Banhammer said:


> I had an idea where we could reward improvement and competition in a scalar and progressive way  in each contest.
> 
> There would be a "Best Rated" excrept, and then on record there would be sub categories for "Best Fifth Excerpt" to be disputed by those whose scene in question would mark the fifth time they entered the contest, and so on (Or by whatever earmark one finds acceptable, like every three, or every one, two, five, ten, etc )
> 
> This way, we could incentive people to keep writing, and improving, (you don't wanna drop a step on dat Ladder ) without being daunted by superior or more creative talents, or without having to pander to everyone everywhere at all time either



Not sure how we can make this work (or how I missed this before) but dear God this is an idealistic and beautiful idea.


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## Firaea (Apr 20, 2014)

I get the idea, but I'm not sure it could work. 

The response to the current contest is a lot more lukewarm than the previous one was. It'd be quite difficult to pull that off if there aren't a lot of participants. (Granted, I've only entered two of these so far, so I can't speak in the long-term.)

Also, by introducing this new 'benchmark', are we talking more of a 'pat on the back' kind of thing or actual forum points (there are points, right?)? Personally, for serious writers, getting feedback and seeing actual improvement in their work would be most important. If this contest thing continues well and we get regular participants, I think the ratings themselves kind of serves the purpose. Many of the current participants seem to be regulars of this section, and I get the feeling from reading the ratings/reviews that some of you are pretty familiar with each other and are able to point out improvements or failings from previous entries.

Nevertheless, I'm not against this in the least if there's a way to work it out.


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## shit (Apr 20, 2014)

was there ever a winner to the second flashfiction contest?


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## Garfield (Apr 20, 2014)

Mist puppet


----------



## tari101190 (Apr 20, 2014)

Slowly going through feedback now. Thanks to those who left me some.

My experience with flash-fiction is limited, but it has always been on the spot writing with no rewrites of planning. So sorry if there were some grammatical or spelling errors.

Usually I waffle on or get stuck on a thought, so the feedback I've read sounds like the reader picked up on that.


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## shit (Apr 21, 2014)

what did mist puppet win?
just accolades?


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## Buskuv (Apr 21, 2014)

You get points, technically.

But at this point I'm not sure what prizes there would be to offer since everyone is getting big avatars and stuff.


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## Stelios (Apr 21, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> You get points, technically.
> 
> But at this point I'm not sure what prizes there would be to offer since everyone is getting big avatars and stuff.



keyword: big avatars

I want one


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## Nordstrom (Apr 21, 2014)

Ditto. The point system should be used for those who were runner ups. Top three places should get big ava and custom title (1st place), just ava (2nd place) and just title (3rd).


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## Buskuv (Apr 21, 2014)

You earn points per win;

First place gets 3 points, second gets 2, and third gets 1.  After you've gotten a certain amount, you get can 'cash' 'em out and get something.  This ain't no sissy Art contest where you get a prize every time you win.


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## Nordstrom (Apr 21, 2014)

Then it's going to get harder to attract more people unless they're interested in snippets.


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## Buskuv (Apr 21, 2014)

We've traditionally run on a loose schedule and a small pool of contestants.

And, as always, we're trying to have the focus be the actual writing rather than the prizes, since drawing people who only care about prizes tends to fill up the entries rather than the reviewers.


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## Krory (Apr 21, 2014)

I'm still trying to finish an entry. 

And I still want an awesome custom user title.


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## shit (Apr 21, 2014)

there's no other writing contest on the forum that gives any prize


----------



## shit (Apr 21, 2014)

who won 2nd and 3rd behind mist puppet?


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## Krory (Apr 21, 2014)

Firaea was second.

Tyrael was third.

It seems Mist and Tyrael are usually amongst the top, being two of the best writers remaining.


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## shit (Apr 21, 2014)

thank you guys very much, I'll strive to give this contest publicity in the next nf guardian


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## Firaea (Apr 21, 2014)

What's this NF Guardian thing? 

Also, the prizes are kind of an afterthought for me. While I certainly don't mind a large avatar, I wouldn't take part solely for that since it doesn't seem within grasp. I quite like the small pool of contestants too. Comfortable and cosy. Facilitates meaningful feedback and discussion IMO.


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## Buskuv (Apr 22, 2014)

That was the idea, anyways.

I've been kind of out of the loop lately--how's this one going?  Are we struggling to find our stride again?


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## Krory (Apr 22, 2014)

Well it looks like we have eight entries, which is by no means what it was last week, but that's pretty good I think.

I'm still trying to come up with something so I'd appreciate holding that 30th deadline instead of closing early.

@Firaea - The NF Guardian is a "news paper" that just started up recently, born from a single page the member Shodai came up with. He hired some people from the Blender and such and going to be doing a monthly, full-fledged newspaper with various articles and stuff.

Looks like, awesomely, shit will be giving some attention to the Flash Fiction contest. :33


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## Buskuv (Apr 22, 2014)

No one came to report about the MD.


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## Krory (Apr 22, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> No one came to report about the MD.



File a formal complaint with Richard or Trey.


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## Buskuv (Apr 22, 2014)

They do not care about the bourgeois.


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## Tyrael (Apr 22, 2014)

How petty of them.


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## Krory (Apr 22, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> They do not care about the bourgeois.



Well it's not _their_ fault it sucks.


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## Buskuv (Apr 22, 2014)

Yeah.

It's _yours_.


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## Krory (Apr 22, 2014)

This is true.  I'm sorry Kiki ever asked me to come along.


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## Garfield (Apr 22, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> That was the idea, anyways.
> 
> I've been kind of out of the loop lately--how's this one going?  Are we struggling to find our stride again?


You spoiled brat  back in the day these many entries would have made you giggly gay


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## Buskuv (Apr 23, 2014)

I'm glad we have many!

But, are they even around to review?


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## Firaea (Apr 23, 2014)

I'll try to give my reviews over this weekend or if not, the next.


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## Krory (Apr 23, 2014)

I think the only ones we can really trust on reviewing are adee, Firaea, and Tyrael right now, and I'll throw in my view.

I tried to talk WAD into re-entering, too, so hopefully he'll whip up something if we keep it open until the deadline.

It'd be nice to have some outside rating, people who didn't enter.


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## Banhammer (Apr 26, 2014)

After a slight re-work in language and fluidity,  I'm nearly as proud of my submission in Monsters as I am of Church Mouse in "Heaven" 
I'm also super glad I got it out first.
I had another idea which would revolve around the big bad wolf redeeming himself through acts of monstrosity, which was much more original, but I didn't feel I could pull it off as sharply

But I'll do a few ratings while I'm at it
I like writing reviews in parallel to my reading of it, so you can gauge my response as if I was a test audience.
Maybe my reactions are what you are going for, which then means you have nothing to worry about.
Adee
*Spoiler*: __ 






> The elevator cage-door made a screechy noise as Dravic violently dragged it shut, he frantically pressed the button for the fifth floor.


Okay, the way I like it, the order of details usually goes a little different. The character is frantic which means a priority in senses. First comes the noise, then the touch, then the visual. So I would first mention the screech, then the button, then the door. Then there’s a confusing moment of simultaneousness. Is he pressing the button as he is closing the door? Action pacing can live or die with the right or wrong “then”


> Just as he cleared the ground floor, he felt a massive thump and a bloodcurdling growl, almost an anguish, come from the door below. Close escapes weren't his thing; he hated them! He looked down at the dead creature at his feet, it had not started rotting yet, this was good news.


The linear alternation of personal thoughts in the middle of a tense action scene needs better conjoinment, or better separation. “He looked down at the dead creature at his feet and saw the good news. It had not started rotting yet” or “He looked down at the dead creature and felt relief. It had not started rotting yet”
Unless the story means to tell me Dravic isn’t right in the head. Then he would have this frantic sequence of thoughts



> He bent down to smell it as the elevator grinded slowly to a stop. The only good thing about a quarter dead Writhkku was that ether smell, being in just the right phase of decomposition.


Ew. Okay, so Dravic isn’t right in the  head. He was making close frantic escapes and now he’s smelling corpses. Gross, but interesting.
Mind the elevator though, it went up five stories before he had the time to sniff a corpse. 


> He stood back up, looked behind to make sure he was on the right floor and started to push the door open. Suddenly he felt a cold hand on his skull and someone closing in quickly from behind. Terrified he jumped forward, twisting to look behind him while his hand went to his back for his gun. It wasn't there.


You have some good action lines and some lacking action lines. Re-read this, feel your pacing out.


> "So jumpy child, you'll kill yourself!" mocked a voice, in a chill harsh whisper. Even though Dravic couldn't make out the dark shape clearly --especially being quite lightheaded from the shock-- he knew it was Rizadh.


I thought it wasn’t there, how comes it has a shape now?


> Rizadh the handler, who collected semi-dead Writhkku and provided the hunter with much needed food and water packets. One couldn't find any means of sustenance otherwise and he had mouths to feed.


I presume this is why it was good news that the corpse wasn't yet decomposed and rather not some creepy death fetish. Good on you for playing with my expectations.


> "Give me back my gun," Dravik said, trying to be as calm as possible.


Oh it was the gun that wasn’t there.


> The lifeless skeleton fingers of Rizadh felt strangely warm as if they had been cupping a hot mug of Writhhku blood.


Uh, what? How unique is the warmth of Writhhku blood mugs? Also, I presume the dark shape comes from being a blackened skeleton. Also, what the hell is he touching?


> "All this time past, you come to me, you still fear, child. Misgivings, misunderstanding and distrust; at the root of fear. The guile of Writhhka say to you stories, child?"


Quirky skeleton speak. I’m okay with that.


> Rizadh seemed to grow more sinister and Dravic's heartbeat seemed to grow quicker with each word. For some reason, handlers had a knack for striking mortal terror in people; more terrifying than even an angered Writhhku.


I'm sure a talking blackened skeleton with feat powers is shit your pants concerning, but the mysterious and dangerous elevator door thumping thing that is waiting 5 stories down doesn't help the nerves either, I would guess


> Which was partly the reason they made such convincing arguments. Arguments to mobilize humanity against the wretched, evil, alien race Writhhka. All they needed was to appeal to everyone's primal fear and win them with passionate words. After all, Writhhka were the ones who had destroyed most of the fertile land and fresh water around the world.


So humanity sided with the zombies in the fight against aliens, because they act like Republicans.
That’s pretty ingenious. 
But why are you telling me this? Is this a chase scene or an exposition?


> Or at least that was what Dravik had been taught since he was a kid. Nowadays, he wasn't so sure who the monster was. The Writhhku, who had migrated from a planet destroyed by an unknown phenomenon and now making the world less viable for humans; or handlers like Rizadh who felt inhuman themselves and seemed to manipulate people into doing their bidding; or humans who went out and killed whatever and whoever because of the deep rooted sense of survival.



So the chase scene is over. Okay, it was rough, but I can imagine an urban jungle setting where the wild alien beasts rule the streets and the lich kings rule the building tops and force increasingly deranged humans into capturing sweet sweet alien corpses in exchange for basic needs to survive.
It’s a very awesome post apocalypse idea.
Where the hell did this self doubt morality conflict came from though? In the war of aliens vs zombies, how the hell did survivalist humans come to be the bad guys?


> Still mystified as to how Rizadh had appeared behind him in the elevator, Dravik followed him nonetheless into his dark, morbid apartment.


He’s a magic zombie that you could barely see at first. Why the hell do you care how he pulled a batman.
Is it because you want to learn that trick? 
And what about the gun?


Aaaand it’s over.
It’s a good piece, has a lot of great ideas that can be extrapolated from the details implied into it, but the way the information is just dumped, be it world building, or moral conflict, or action fluidity all needs work.
Re-read and revise, a lot.
I can give it a 6,8/10, it's a bit of a high mark considering my response, but if you revise and notify me of it, I'll gladly revise my grade as well





Linkofone

*Spoiler*: __ 





> Mount Huaguo (花果山), 629 AD …


Samuraiville





> It was nightfall, a cooling wind blew through the peace trees overlooking a clearing. Beneath, we see some masked figures approaching from the distance. As they approach, the figures began to chatter wildly, as if they were gossiping over something. When they finally reached the clearing, two of the masked figures, one of them tall, one of the average height, distanced themselves and began a conversation.


How tense. Who's this "we" though?



> Is it true? Did master really abandon the Monk, and his friends?
> 
> The tall masked figure tugged on his worn robe. Something clearly bothered him. The other figure noticed this.
> 
> ...


I'm guessing this is references. I don't get them 


> Why!? Why would master do this? After all the trials and tribulations the group has gone through, why would he abandon them days before they reached the land of the Sanzangjing?


He speaks of this master as if he had personally offended him, and I presume the group of masked figures that are his friends, yet he refers to them in third person.
I don't get why


> They sat down. The tall one sighed and punched a tree, leaving an imprint.


He punched a tree sitting down?


> Do you feel better now?
> 
> The average figure attempted to console his friend. He then looked at the tree. Its bark cracked. The tall figure’s hand retreated back into his robe. He took another sigh, and turned towards the other figure.


You really need a better term to identify the first individual than "average". 


> No. What kind of monster abandons his friends and master just as the situation gets rough? This is coming from the person who refers himself as the “Great Sage under the Heavens”.
> 
> The tall one clinched his fists, pulled off his mask and threw it across the clearing.


How tense. How very japaneesy


> It is in the master’s nature. He might look refined, but within him is a beast, a monster. He cannot be tam-
> 
> Before he could finish his words, they saw a large crater before them. Within the crater was a hairy creature, wearing what appears to be remnants of armor. The figure just stood there silently. Beside him was a staff, carved on the staff were the characters, 如意金箍棒, or Ruyi Jingu Bang.



More tension and japaneesy references I did not catch

7 out of 10.
The prose and the mood is really good, but the references really alienate me, and I can't really connect with the idea of abandonment as an act of monstrosity rather cowardice.
Also, the surprise crater they didn't see until the end of the story and somehow has a literal monster with more references that I didn't get does not thing for me, and fails to take away the focus of "abandonment as an act of monstrosity" 






Because of the way I give feedback, I'm going to need a few several posts in a row


----------



## Banhammer (Apr 26, 2014)

Young Master

*Spoiler*: __ 






> The night was pitch black with only the stars illuminating the dark forest the team were set up in. They were hidden, crouched beside a line of bushes peering through the small openings between the branches.


Great set up





> James threw his large broad sword over his shoulder, eyes focused as he stared at the monster they were sent to defeat. "We go on three," he whispered to the team.


Great fluidity, but do you "throw a large broad sword" when you're trying to be sneaky?


> Shelly nodded, her short red hair shining in the moonlight as she pulled out two daggers with long string of iron wire which wrapped around her arms and extended into her sleeves.


Dagger wire? But, yeah red headed ninja, got it





> John, pushing his glasses back up to the bridge of his nose, held his bow in hand with an arrow at the ready.


Can you do this behind crouching bushes? But yeah, archer nerd, got it





> The monster, still sniffing out for more food, turned his back toward the team. James, judging this as the opportune moment, motioned for his team to start their attack.


Up the tension here


> Instantaneously they all separated, going into formation as they practiced many times before. John jumped onto a nearby tree branch, arrow already pulled back and ready to fire. He breathed in deeply for a moment and let his SOL, the magical energy people like him were born with, flow through the arrow as it glowed a bright blue tint. Aiming at the beast's neck, he released and traveling at break neck speed it sped towards it's target leaving a stream of blue florescent light in it's path.


Oh, okay. Magic.
It's cool that you decided to put it in, the world building though "everyone was born with" doesn't feel like it would fit right in this moment of the story telling.
You're describing a 3 on 1 simultaneous fight scene, no time to dally

Also, mind your redundancies. "Shooting a neck breaking arrow at the neck" for example or "entrapping him in the wire with electricity that followed the wire" or "turned his back to the team and then james told the team to begin"


> Predictably the beast heard that from a mile away, but before it could react to the arrow, two daggers flew towards it's direction twirling around him entrapping it in the wire that followed with a stream of electricity flowing through the wire striking directly after.


Re-read this. Feel the pacing out.





> The monster screamed out in pain, but used it's massive strength to fight through the wire and the paralyzing effect that the electricity would usually inflict and narrowly avoided the lethal shot to neck that the arrow would've brought. It hit him in the shoulder instead, slicing clean through it's iron hard skin leaving a gaping whole in it's wake.


Jesus, poor bastard



> Using the distraction to his advantage. James, smiling cockily in the air, held his broadsword over his head with two hands. Adding in his SOL, the sword glowed a very bright red causing an intense light that blinded the beast.


A lot of firework to kill a pig. What is this beast anyway? You leave it to my imagination, so I just imagine a really big wild boar



> The monster looked up with fear in it's eyes


 I thought it was blinded. 





> as James came down with a mighty swing. As it collided, large red energy and smoke filled the area, almost reaching to the highest tree. John and Shelly struggling to see what happened, shielded themselves with their arms from the large cutting wind that threatened to push them back.



[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YCN-a0NsNk[/YOUTUBE]


> As the wind stopped and the smoke cleared, John and Shelly smirked as they saw their leader standing over the beast leaning on his sword which not only cut it in half, but caused a sizeable fissure on the ground as well.
> 
> "Well, looks like a job well done," James smiled.



hah, so the story is about a quirky RPG party doing it's thing. It definitely came through clearly at the end.
It's definitely well written and thought through in that aspect, though the action sequence needs a little more revising.
Like wired daggers hitting quicker than a magical arrow, probably because of all that time it took for the archer nerd to jump up to a tree branch.

It also lacks a kick of weight to it. Maybe you could have added a bit more RPG elements, like a parody about stopping at Wall Mart for potions, or XP for everyone, or James boggarting all the loot.
Monster slaying is an acceptable take on the theme I suppose.

7.5/10




Firaea

*Spoiler*: __ 






> “Get the hell out, won’t you? Jesus fuckin’ Christ.”
> 
> The echoes of that recollection still jolted through his nerves, sending spasms throughout his body which caused it to fidget uncontrollably. He stared at the second-hand of the clock as it dragged its mass along, second by second – so slowly that it seemed to be taunting him. He flipped open his wallet without intending to, and there she was: his beloved wife, the fixture of her smile crusted yellow with six years of regret.
> 
> God, help me. Marlene, help me.


Great open, it tells you a lot, most everything you'll need to know for the story line, with few words.
He has some sort of neurological ailment connected to some trouble in his past regarding the wife



> A full minute before the clock hit five, he stood up and darted for the exit. For a few hundred dollars above minimum wage, he endured the same ten hours every day, the same abuse. Oh, God tell him – why must he continue this suffering? Retribution. The momentary liberation offered little solace. The susurruses of the thousand inaudible voices around him haunted his ears and sent shivers down his spine. He gritted his teeth, his eyes glued dead to the ground as he scurried aboard the crowded subway. Just as the cold, mechanical voice began broadcasting the next destination and the doors clasped upon each other, a young, petite girl dressed in a white blouse sprinted aboard, barely making it.


The tension is kept up really well, congratulations
Enter the girl though, and the way her entrance is described, it makes it seem like her presence is in of itself, a tense event.



> Briefly, her body brushed against his.
> 
> Heat flushed through him. When did he last feel the touch of a woman? She stood so closely to him that he could catch the distinct jasmine fragrance of her hair. He sniffed. And sniffed. The scent paralysed him. If he moved a little closer… just a little… she would never realise… just a little… – God no. What am I doing! Next to him, she was but a child! He clenched his fists. He bit his lips so hard that they bled. There were evil things crawling beneath his skin, evil things that no one could know of. Perspiration beaded around his forehead profusely. His body felt so stiff that his head could explode.



And look at that, it was supposed to be tense. The psychological language is pretty good, but it would definitely be better served with a wider word restraint, so that you could paint more pause and contrast between the predatory emotions and the shameful ones.
Specially the body language, in a novel, you'll need to space it out and play the pauses. For example, he is bleeding from his lips right now. That's pretty big.



> The fifteen-minute ride was an eternal hell. When at last he alighted, he stole a final glimpse of the girl and, like a madman, he ran. He snuffed out every thought and ran straight home, shutting himself in the toilet. Images vile beyond his own recognition flashed through his head as he repeated the salacious motion of his hand bestially. Again, and again. Until at last, the divine purging.
> 
> He sat, dazed.


See, here's another example, there's a lot of intense thought cramming in few little lines, but then you do away with fifteen minutes in the subway within half a dozen words.
It works, but you clearly have the talent to make it work better.
The feeling of ritualistic perverted punishment here is just greatly written.



> Then, losing every control over himself, he wept. He wished himself dead. He was going to Hell. Marlene would ensure it. God, Marlene. He missed her so much. He loved her so much. Why must he continue to suffer? Was six years of repentance insufficient? Even while his heart ached so dearly, he could still feel the creatures crawling inside of him, whispering evil.
> 
> Until all of a sudden, a voice echoed from the living room.
> 
> ...



And then shit got dark.
Another reminder of the monster's "shame" right before a twist comes and really frightens me.
You might have meant it with a hopeful end of "his little girl makes the voices go away" but in my mind the idea that jump forward was "his daughter is next"
Maybe it's bias because of the similarities with my own story, but this was definitely the best bit

Like I said, with another 100 words you could easily win this contest.
Like this, maybe you need to cut an act. Maybe cut the bit about the time he spends at his job and give it more to the girl in the subway, or the ritualistic punishment.

Anyway, 8,6/10


----------



## Banhammer (Apr 26, 2014)

Tyrael

*Spoiler*: __ 





> Everyone turned towards the doorway of the saloon as the doors clattered open. In the doorway, no more than a silhouette against the glaring afternoon sun, stood a goat. He was lazy chewing a piece of grass and wore a battered ten-gallon hat, lopsided so it hid half of his face. He walked into the saloon, hooves creaking well-used floorboards, with an exaggerated slowness. It seemed like each step was a challenge: stop me if you can.
> 
> ‘You,’ said the bartroll, clumsily cleaning a tankard that had probably never been clean in its existence, ‘you’re not welcome here.’ Ugly faces stared at the goat from the shadows, nursing pints with their three-fingered hands. A particularly big one near the back made to stand, but one of his friends stopped him, pushing him back onto his chair.
> 
> ...



Okay, I admit it, I laughed out loud.
Everything here is great, and subtly added.




> The bartroll met his gaze at first, but soon relented and poured him the drink.



Minor note. You make a point of establishing the conflict of this story as being "A goat enters a troll bar and is unwelcome by the tender", yet this conflict is solved by a gaze and half a dozen words.
I know the greater conflict endures, but still, it could have used one  more line.


> A disgruntled muttering, muffled yet also echoing at the same time, started up from some of the people in the bar. It reminded the goat of plainchant, of North-Western hallowed cathedrals filled with jotun, eyes like swirling black holes. He drank his milk.


Uf, we're jumping halfway through into the goat's perspective? And this is a cathedral going cowboy goat?



> ‘That’ll be seven dollars,’ said the bartroll, both hands planted on the counter.
> 
> The goat brayed, a sarcastic laugh. It got off of the stool and made towards the saloon door. A giant shape barred his way.



It also forgot to pay seven dollars for a glass of milk



> ‘If you come back here,’ said the troll, ‘I’ll kill you.’ He was particularly ugly this one, face so long it was almost like a snout.
> 
> ‘Since you’re feeling so brave,’ said the goat, ‘why not put a name to that threat? Who are you?’


In westerns, this confrontations are played with more pauses, I think.





> ‘Spartamus Pugs,’ said the troll. He leaned down, so close the goat could smell his breath, rotting fish tinged with human meat.



Exactly like this. 



> ‘I’ll carve it into your gravestone.’ His face contorted into a mangled smile. ‘Leave town Billy. Treat it like an adventure. Go see new places. Just get out of town.’



Great. Awesome. Pure joy. A bit lacking on the goat's body language through.


> *
> 
> The next morning Spartamus’s young son, Portly, was found in an alleyway out by the hairdresser’s.


lol. 





> The sheriff troll wasn’t sure if he’d still been conscious when they had trampled his arms and legs until they snapped, but he guessed the violent nature of the murder was specifically to cause the victim as much pain as possible so he must have been.


lol, but also, mind the commas.





> Due the lack of non-circumstantial evidence, the goat could never be charged with anything.






Lol, a goat in court.

This one was pure bliss. And the straight yet at the same time subverted take on theme Monsters was quite original.
At face value it's quite effective at what it does, but the focus on the western genre needs, well, more focus.
8.9/10 And I might be ranking it low

Stelios

*Spoiler*: __ 




Sorry, I'm not qualified to rate poetry.
I can definitely say it sounds better spoken outloud than simply read
Also from a story writer perspective, I don't quite understand why you chose to depict an action sequence of a demon slayer, without any relevant action at all
Maybe it was on purpose, a solely sequence of emotional events during fights of unimportant detail




Jaded Heart

*Spoiler*: __ 





> They say I am a beast
> 
> “Colossal in stature, so tall its shadow falls solemnly over cities themselves. Beneath a wild, untamed mane rests cold eyes, unyielding and tireless. Teeth bred solely for flesh-picking and sharpened claws prime for human disembowelment, wind chimes made of bones from past victims line its hallowed hall. And its strength? Unmatched by any mortal or brute alike. Even the mighty King himself cannot rival a creature cast out from belly of Lucifer himself. Prowling the forests by moonlight, it infiltrates the homes of the innocent. Men, women, children, there is no pattern or predictability in its slaughtering. Fueled by a lust for blood and sheer sport, it devours whatever it wishes and leaves a trail of corpses in its red, sodden tracks. Immune to the swords and spears of men, un-fearing of their laws, of the consequences it may one day reap; it carries on in lone survival. And we as men, powerless to prevail.”



A clever and beautiful info-dump.
Small note, you go from describing its body and segway into describing its strength, but in between these two there's some line about decorated halls, that while being well written in of itself, feels a bit out of place in that paragraph.


> But do they mention the remainder of the legendary tale to their doe-eyed children? The truth?
> 
> Nestled warmly beside my mother in our cave, they came at us with bows and arrows while we slept. Still a child, I was stricken with terror by these beings I had never seen before, their weapons raining down around us in a violent, iron-clad, shower. The darkness lit up by their fiery torches, I remember her defending me, her efforts fruitless against the overwhelming amount of soldiers flooding our home.
> 
> That night, the only thing in my life I had ever come to love had been taken from me; ripped away by the hands of a selfish, cursed race.


Uuh, what an eloquent cave monster.



> Their empire seeks out weaker nations, the basis of their glory and riches found in the pillaging and destruction of those peoples deemed threatening to the kingdom’s continual reign. The merciless nature in which they treat their adversaries is revolting, and the manner in which they treat their own brethren, nearly comparable. Gluttony, deceit, adultery, prostitution, and sins of every kind run rampant in their towns, people tainted by the past and the temptations of the present.
> 
> The say I am a beast
> 
> “Seek out vengeance on those who have oppressed you, and annihilate the filth that have desecrated your mother’s memory. Your purpose in life is nothing more than this”. And since that day hundreds of years ago when the Dragon whispered this into my ear, my fate and those of my enemies, had been permanently sealed.


Beautiful but confusing. How does their monstrosity relate to that of the earlier paragraph?
I assume the dragon kid is justifying himself for something to someone.



> - - -
> 
> 
> “When I was a child I truly loved:
> ...



Uh. How very epic

It's a very well written scene but it lacks connection with itself or an implied greater plot, and thus meaning.
I mean, how is the idea of monstrosity played out here?

I guess I can give it a 7,8/10, for skill


----------



## Banhammer (Apr 26, 2014)

Mist Puppet

*Spoiler*: __ 





> Some nights, the wind would howl restlessly throughout the night like a wailing banshee. The shutters would bang loudly against his window. The shadows on his wall would transform from small, unassuming forms into large, grotesque abominations with a hunger for the bones of little children.


This is a great set up, but while it transmits an adequate sense of the gothic fantastic, I'm not quite sure this is how a "jared" would describe it.
This is, I feel, the weakest bit of the text, which is not saying much, because the rest is pretty good.



> They would feed Jared's insomnia, but he embraced them like a friend. They weren't physical. They did not carry with them a sense of foreboding.
> 
> They were safe.


See, this illustrates my point. They are full of scary, goth punk meaning, but Jared is fond of them for some reason. 
If he likes them, would they have that connotation?


> But every night, the banshees, boogeymen, and shadows would be driven away from his room by the grating sound of claws scratching rhythmically against his door.
> 
> Jared once tried to barricade the door, pretending his room was an invincible fortress. After sleeping for three days straight, the only thing he could remember from that night was its face contorted in anger after it broke the door down.


3 days, really? Wow



> Some nights, Jared would spring under his blanket, wrapping it around himself like a protective cocoon.
> 
> Every night, the monster made its way into his room and descended upon him with a hungry glint in its light-blue eyes – eyes that looked just like his.
> 
> Every night, Jared closed his eyes and pretended he were somewhere else.


This is just strong prose, that effectively lets us extrapolate everything that happens.
You could have cut the text here and had a legitimate entry on the contest to run with





> * * *
> 
> Scully silently slithered out from underneath the bed, a look of annoyance on her face. Did wooden floors always have to be so cold?
> 
> ...


The quirky character and continuing of the plot really brings out the imaginative aspect of Jared, but the very visual and direct depiction of the aftermath of his abuse kind of undercuts the really strong but implied events of the first paragraph.



> When Scully reached out to brush away his sandy-blonde hair with her forked tongue, it was met not with his usual lopsided grin or giggle, but with a recoiling shudder.


See, this does it much better. The meaning is clear as day, but at the same time is one we are allowed to arrive to


> “What happened, Jared?”
> 
> Jared reluctantly made eye contact, but said nothing.
> 
> ...


See, clearly I am preaching to the choir.
Scully is making conclusions out of Jared's behavior, and is giving the extensive list of bruises little thought.


> She failed him once. She would not repeat it.


lol, plot



> “Who did this to you?”
> 
> “A monster,” Jared replied after a long pause.
> 
> ...


Strong and sweet, with a bit of plot in it.





> * * *
> 
> That night, Jared slept soundly as the screams of terror in his father's room went unheard.



Oh and a happy ending. I have some mixed feelings here, but fine.

A very good story that makes me glad I wrote mine first, or else it may have been found lacking in comparison
it does more than the goat story, but it only does what it wants to do nearly as well.  8,7


----------



## Firaea (Apr 26, 2014)

krory said:


> I think the only ones we can really trust on reviewing are adee, Firaea, and Tyrael right now, and I'll throw in my view.
> 
> I tried to talk WAD into re-entering, too, so hopefully he'll whip up something if we keep it open until the deadline.
> 
> It'd be nice to have some outside rating, people who didn't enter.



As ideal as that would be, I can't imagine anyone would bother. Unlike art contests which just require a glance and a quick, possibly uninformed, opinion, reviewing writings actually take a lot of effort. 

I guess we're expecting another entry from krory, possibly one from WAD, and maybe a few other stray ones.


----------



## Linkofone (Apr 27, 2014)

I thank you for your review, Banhammer. 

----------------------------------------

Although I would like to mention some background info, and mistakes I made about the story:


*Spoiler*: __ 





- I totally forgot to put a title
- There are many Journey to the West references in this story
   - Perhaps there were too much, and they might be a bit foreign for most people
- Flower and Fruit Mountain didn't sound as good as Mount Huaguo in my head
   - The mountain is where this story takes place
- I couldn't avoid making it sound very asiany.


----------



## Banhammer (Apr 27, 2014)

I'm really sorry that I couldn't get any of the references, but I tried not to hold it against you, as I am the one in an anime forum


----------



## Linkofone (Apr 27, 2014)

Nah, the last thing was not against you or anybody. I just wanted to put it there just in case people get confused. I tend to forget this place is an Anime forum.


----------



## Banhammer (Apr 28, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _Doctor Lamperouge_ 





> Loren liked cooking. There was no particular reason for it; he just found it relaxing. That?s how she found him the night before the assault, chopping onions (not heads) alone in his tent.


Ok, so there's cooking in a tent, and presumably a soldier, which has a passion about making something.
It could be re-worked but this is a rather efficient set of lines


> ?What are you making?? she asked, twirling a lock of brunette hair.
> 
> ?I dunno,? he replied, ?just chopping onions.? He put the knife down, got up, and walked to her. He cupped her cheek gently, and smiled.


The blow-by-blow could use a little work, but this too is an efficient line.





> There was a bemused twinkle in her eyes, but no reply. Oh, those eyes of hers ? like jet black, liquid pools of wonder to get lost in. As beautiful as the day they had met.


Here is an intro into the soldier's prespective, and that's good, but it's also best if it's kept consistent throughout the piece. So next time instead of saying "twirling a lock of hair" you can say "twirling a lock of *her* hair".




> Almaestris van der Grani was supposed to be hanged that day, five years ago. She had been a noble who opposed King Aeres and supported the rebellion. Loren had been a mercenary hired by said rebellion?s leaders to rescue their important benefactor.


It's their anniversary. We get that they're important to one another because of the way he sees her, and that is fine.
In a flashfic, it's all you have room for, but in a novel, expand on what this means to them.
Being the aniversary of an exciting rescue.


> That day, he stormed her execution and whisked her off like a knight of old. She then repaid him by offering a rather lucrative job as her bodyguard, fighting in the rebellion.


See, this is an example of what I mean
He was a dashing knight. She made him a business transaction



> A lot of things happened after he joined her. He and the rebel leader, Leon, became close friends, a bond forged in fire. He started to cook. Most importantly, he and the beautiful, delicate figure standing in front of him fell in love.


See, this is how you can sneak  more meaning with just a few smarter use of words and prespective.
"He and *her* rebel leader became close, forged in fire"
Make it more about them, in the room that you have.


> Loren?s thoughts were interrupted when Almaestris grabbed and judo flipped him over her shoulder, and he landed on the floor.
> 
> Not so delicate after all.


Oh, okay.  i guess that can work.



> ?You?re about to go into battle, soldier,? chided Almaestris, while mounting him, ?I expected better. Do you need a reprimanding??
> 
> ?Perhaps I do, milady. But isn?t this position a bit?suggestive???
> 
> ...


This tsundere reaction threw me off. Maybe if the guy allows her to judo flip him (is there Judo in medieval englandtown?) first, the characters can remain a bit more consistent in our minds.
In a tight flashfic this random abuse isn't as sexy as you may plant it to be on, say, a short story


> That morning, the rebellion stormed the royal palace, ending the monstrous reign of King Aeres IV. Afterwards, Leon approached him with a high position in the new government?s military, and with one final assignment.


Revise this. The information dump is efficient, but you can do better


> ?You want me to kill two kids??
> 
> ?They?re the king?s heirs. They?re a threat,? Leon explained. Loren could see the logic behind his reasoning. He took the job.


Revise this. Killing kids isn't logical. Saying "heirs" isn't reasoning, it's an excuse.
You can have Loren not argue against his superior or not giving a fuck, but saying he was reasonably persuaded by half a dozen words of truism kinda makes him look dumb.
If you had the room for Leon to expand on how their bannerman will use them as props to rebel against the coup, and kill thousands more, that's one thing, or if you just tell us "Loren knew how he couldn't argue" leaves a diffrent taste in our mouth



> Five years later, Loren found himself at another execution. This time he was the executioner.


Wasn't he always though





> Most of those beheaded by guillotine that day were political enemies of Leon?s administration. The one next in line was no different, a member of a terrorist group.


alrighty then. Does this mean nothing to him though


> > He could tell it was a woman by her figure, but her face was covered by a white piece of cloth. He ripped it off, only to be greeted by a face that would haunt him forever.
> >
> > ?Hello soldier,? greeted Almaestris van der Grani, a defiant look on her malnourished, yet still beautiful face - one he had not seen for three years, and now would see for the last time.
> 
> ...








> 7,3/10. Might be a bit low. And I might reconsider


----------



## Doctor Lamperouge (Apr 28, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _Young Master_ 



_As mentioned by someone else, it appeared to me as though you tried to capture the feel of an RPG type battle, and I think you did that well enough. The flow of your syntax and prose felt a bit jarring in some places, and could've used a little work. Also, I felt that the whole "mission complete" line at the end was a bit too cliche for my tastes. It would've helped if you put something along the lines of "cue fanfare" at the end or something. Overall, I'll give you a 7 out of 10.

Sorry for the short review. _




_I'll make reviews for the other fics as they come to me. _



Banhammer said:


> Ok, so there's cooking in a tent, and presumably a soldier, which has a passion about making something.
> It could be re-worked but this is a rather efficient set of lines
> 
> The blow-by-blow could use a little work, but this too is an efficient line.
> Here is an intro into the soldier's prespective, and that's good, but it's also best if it's kept consistent throughout the piece. So next time instead of saying "twirling a lock of hair" you can say "twirling a lock of *her* hair".




_I see what you mean. I think I may have had something like that before, but I might have cut it because I thought it might have been superflous. _




Banhammer said:


> It's their anniversary. We get that they're important to one another because of the way he sees her, and that is fine.
> In a flashfic, it's all you have room for, but in a novel, expand on what this means to them.
> Being the aniversary of an exciting rescue.
> 
> ...



_I didn't really want to create a connection between Almaestris and Leon besides their mutual connection to Loren, since I meant for her to be a benefactor of the rebellion, rather than a subordinate of his, plus I tried to imply that they became political enemies at the end. _



Banhammer said:


> Oh, okay.  i guess that can work.
> 
> 
> This tsundere reaction threw me off. Maybe if the guy allows her to judo flip him (is there Judo in medieval englandtown?) first, the characters can remain a bit more consistent in our minds.
> In a tight flashfic this random abuse isn't as sexy as you may plant it to be on, say, a short story



_I didn't realize beforehand that it came off as tsundere. 

But now that you bring this up, I guess it could be seen that way.

Also, I wrote my flashfic to be ambiguous as to where and when it takes place besides "there's a king, nobles, and a rebellion", to avoid having to worry about historical inaccuracies and anachronisms. I'm aware those elements as well as things like hanging and guillotines typically invoke the imagery of medieval englandtown, but its also possible this took place on a fictional world, or in a futuristic society that just happens to have all those elements in a schizo-tech kind of way. But bottom line I meant the setting to be ambiguous in that regards. _



Banhammer said:


> Revise this. The information dump is efficient, but you can do better
> 
> Revise this. Killing kids isn't logical. Saying "heirs" isn't reasoning, it's an excuse.
> You can have Loren not argue against his superior or not giving a fuck, but saying he was reasonably persuaded by half a dozen words of truism kinda makes him look dumb.
> If you had the room for Leon to expand on how their bannerman will use them as props to rebel against the coup, and kill thousands more, that's one thing, or if you just tell us "Loren knew how he couldn't argue" leaves a diffrent taste in our mouth



_I thought it was kind of implied in his brief explanation of why leaving the heirs alive was a bad thing politically, since there's historical precedence for it (like the Romanovs after the Bolshevik revolution) and even fictional examples (the Targeryen children after Robert's rebellion in Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire), and I didn't feel that there needed to be anymore explanation for the reasoning to make sense. 

I also wanted Loren's cold and quick acceptance of the job with no real fuss to show that he's willing to do anything really if Leon orders it/someone pays him._



Banhammer said:


> Wasn't he always though



_In the first execution mentioned in my fic he's not the executioner, he just saves Almaestris from being executed. _



Banhammer said:


> alrighty then. Does this mean nothing to him though



_Nope. Was meant to show how far he's gone, not even caring about all of the people he executes besides the fact that they're Leon's enemies. _



Banhammer said:


> Please revise. You're informing us of his shock rather than sharing it with us



_Could you give an example of how I could do this? _




Banhammer said:


> Pretty, and it evokes the idea of monstrosity as something you become with time, but it feels out of place with the story written thus far.



_Oh, I guess I failed pretty hard then because that line was what the whole story was about. 

Specifically, I based my story on the Nietzsche quote "He who fights monsters should see to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." with Leon becoming the very same monster he once rescued Almaestris from (becoming her executioner as opposed to once saving her from execution), and with Leon executing all of his political opponents (starting with the king's heirs) just like King Aeres tried to do to Almaestris originally._



Banhammer said:


> There's also the matter of how you went out of your way to mention his passion for cooking, but that serves no purpose in the plot by the end of the story.



_Him chopping onions (not heads) was meant to foreshadow him chopping heads on a guillotine at the end. It was also meant to symbolize the human side of him, that there's more to him than just fighting, and that he coincidentally learned this skill after meeting Almaestris. And that after not seeing Almaestris for awhile and gradually becoming more and more morally bankrupt, he loses interest in cooking, represented by the fact that he doesn't even mention cooking at the end as well as Almaestris's malnourished face (yes, I know he's not the one physically responsible for her malnutrition, but its more symbolic than anything). 

I guess I could have portrayed these things better. I was torn between being subtle and ostentatious, and I guess I was a bit too subtle. _



Banhammer said:


> 7,3/10. Might be a bit low. And I might reconsider



_I hope you do. _


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## Banhammer (Apr 28, 2014)

Doctor Lamperouge said:


> Sorry for the short review.


 That blurb of yours is actually fine lengthwise, I just do a "test audience style" of reviews so people can gauge my reaction according to their own personal expectations, when I have time to kill



> _I see what you mean. I think I may have had something like that before, but I might have cut it because I thought it might have been superflous. _


I think it plays to the relationship theme, which should be the main tool to go for when you only got 500 words to play with.
You clearly like the "theateresque" prose, where you direct actions blow by blow, but if you want to give us into Leron's prespective of what his story means to him, you have to find ways to sneak meanings into it as well.




> _I didn't really want to create a connection between Almaestris and Leon besides their mutual connection to Loren, since I meant for her to be a benefactor of the rebellion, rather than a subordinate of his, plus I tried to imply that they became political enemies at the end. _


Leon can be the leader of "her" rebellion without being her leader himself. The same way a general leads your countries army without actually having to obey any of your orders.
It's just about meaning. About establishing a distance the loren has to cross in the time skip.


> _I didn't realize beforehand that it came off as tsundere.
> 
> But now that you bring this up, I guess it could be seen that way._


_
You can absolutely write a scene where this isn't the case, in a wider story, but in a flash fic, you might wanna play it straighter.
Though remember, this is just an audience reaction, if what you went for is what you wanted, then leave it.



			Also, I wrote my flashfic to be ambiguous as to where and when it takes place besides "there's a king, nobles, and a rebellion", to avoid having to worry about historical inaccuracies and anachronisms. I'm aware those elements as well as things like hanging and guillotines typically invoke the imagery of medieval englandtown, but its also possible this took place on a fictional world, or in a futuristic society that just happens to have all those elements in a schizo-tech kind of way. But bottom line I meant the setting to be ambiguous in that regards.
		
Click to expand...

_Well yeah, but when you mention knights, guillotines, heirs and cooking in tents, I don't think you can expect Asgard as the theme. 




> _I thought it was kind of implied in his brief explanation of why leaving the heirs alive was a bad thing politically, since there's historical precedence for it (like the Romanovs after the Bolshevik revolution) and even fictional examples (the Targeryen children after Robert's rebellion in Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire), and I didn't feel that there needed to be anymore explanation for the reasoning to make sense.
> _


_
Oh, I could argue for the need of killing the heirs if I wanted to, but you know, I didn't, and neither did Leon.




			I also wanted Loren's cold and quick acceptance of the job with no real fuss to show that he's willing to do anything really if Leon orders it/someone pays him.
		
Click to expand...

_Then maybe you rather portray his compliance as a gesture of indifference rather than persuasion. Or maybe irony
Maybe you could say "Leon said placing a jingling pouch of coins on the table. Loren couldn't argue against that logic".



> _In the first execution mentioned in my fic he's not the executioner, he just saves Almaestris from being executed. _


But he just executed the heirs though. You implied he spent five years executing left and right.



> _Nope. Was meant to show how far he's gone, not even caring about all of the people he executes besides the fact that they're Leon's enemies. _


He has to care about _something._ Say "His purse grew as fat as his death toll grew long"


> _Could you give an example of how I could do this? _


Share his reaction with us. "He pulled the sac from her head and his feet staggered" for example. 



> _Oh, I guess I failed pretty hard then because that line was what the whole story was about.
> _


_

The idea of "he who fight monsters" came through clearly without having to hit us with that quote.
It's the idea of the abyss staring back, which is a rather seperate thought that I couldn't quite place.





Him chopping onions (not heads) was meant to foreshadow him chopping heads on a guillotine at the end.

Click to expand...

 Then consider working on that. Loren was always violent, and his symbolism of being a headchopper is not reflective of whatever side he was on.




			It was also meant to symbolize the human side of him, that there's more to him than just fighting, and that he coincidentally learned this skill after meeting Almaestris. And that after not seeing Almaestris for awhile and gradually becoming more and more morally bankrupt, he loses interest in cooking, represented by the fact that he doesn't even mention cooking at the end as well as Almaestris's malnourished face (yes, I know he's not the one physically responsible for her malnutrition, but its more symbolic than anything).
		
Click to expand...

The fact almaestris being malnourished was supposed to be a callback for his passion for cooking went completely over my head.
Sorry brother
But yes, that being the case, calling it back with something was the right strategy to deal with the cooking element._


----------



## Magician (Apr 29, 2014)

Oh, shit. Didn't even know this thread existed before.

Thanks for the reviews. I'll see if I have time to review a few.


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## Doctor Lamperouge (Apr 29, 2014)

Banhammer said:


> That blurb of yours is actually fine lengthwise, I just do a "test audience style" of reviews so people can gauge my reaction according to their own personal expectations, when I have time to kill



_Ah, alright then. _



Banhammer said:


> Well yeah, but when you mention knights, guillotines, heirs and cooking in tents, I don't think you can expect Asgard as the theme.



_I suppose. I really did try to make it ambiguous though. _




Banhammer said:


> But he just executed the heirs though. You implied he spent five years executing left and right.



_Well, he assassinated the heirs at least, I don't know about a formal execution. However, what I meant by "this time he was the executioner" was used as a comparison to the first execution mentioned in the story, where he was not, and not really meant to say "this is the first he was an executioner) per se. My apologies if that wasn't clear. _




Banhammer said:


> The idea of "he who fight monsters" came through clearly without having to hit us with that quote.
> It's the idea of the abyss staring back, which is a rather seperate thought that I couldn't quite place.



_The whole part of the abyss gazing/staring back is part of the same quote I believe._



Banhammer said:


> The fact almaestris being malnourished was supposed to be a callback for his passion for cooking went completely over my head.
> Sorry brother
> But yes, that being the case, calling it back with something was the right strategy to deal with the cooking element.



_I guess in general I need to be less subtle in order to portray my themes better. _


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## Banhammer (Apr 29, 2014)

I always interpreted Nietzsche's quote as more of a two parter. The absolutist path of vanquishing evil eventually leaves you in the side of the balance of the things you denounced, and the strife of goodwill against futility eventually becomes in of itself, futility.

Fighting monsters and Staring into the abyss.

So what if, and I hate saying stuff like this, you could have had the lady as being the one who stares into the abyss of Leron's eyes.


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## Krory (Apr 29, 2014)

Let me just say I am obscenely and extremely disappointed in myself.


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## Banhammer (Apr 29, 2014)

I wouldn't know why. it had a real and unique voice, a straightforward idea and it told a story in a crisp efficient fashion..

If gun to my head, I _had_ to point out a minor quibble was that the protagonist's reaction at the kid's breakdown could _maybe_ use a couple of more words to it. Like "Brat kept flapping his mouth 'bout the babies", but even that might be spoiling the broth

What more did you want from it?


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## Doctor Lamperouge (Apr 29, 2014)

Banhammer said:


> I always interpreted Nietzsche's quote as more of a two parter. The absolutist path of vanquishing evil eventually leaves you in the side of the balance of the things you denounced, and the strife of goodwill against futility eventually becomes in of itself, futility.
> 
> Fighting monsters and Staring into the abyss.
> 
> So what if, and I hate saying stuff like this, you could have had the lady as being the one who stares into the abyss of Leron's eyes.


_I actually quite like that idea. _


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## Firaea (May 1, 2014)

*Banhammer*


*Spoiler*: __ 




Other than some issues with punctuation (especially in dialogue), the writing is mostly solid and I think you've done well in creating a very sinister atmosphere for your piece, both in the well-described hospital setting and Edgar's tense monologue. I like the ambiguity of the monster's deeds, because it leaves things to the imagination and sustains a veil of mystery which in fact adds to how sinister this entire scene is. 

However, I can't help feeling as if Edgar's character isn't defined clearly enough. Perhaps it's intentional because it leaves this sense of distance which is appreciable, but I do feel as if having more knowledge of Edgar's inner workings would have added to the depth of the piece. Also, I'm not so much a fan of the ending. Something more ambiguous and open-ended would have suited this piece better, IMO. Still, the concept is really good and you've done a lot to bring it out well, so this is a very solid piece.

7.5/10




*adee*


*Spoiler*: __ 




There're still issues with your comma usage in some sentences, but otherwise, I don't spy any major problems with your work. The comparison between humanity and another species in relation to the theme is an interesting one, but I think more focus should have been placed in that regard. The ambivalence between the different species is not well brought-out. Nevertheless, the concept does show potential, but I think it needs more polish to stand on its own. As it is, it seems to lack character and world depth which would definitely have elevated this particular concept to greater heights.

6.5/10




*Linkofone*


*Spoiler*: __ 




I actually get the reference because I'm familiar with the Journey to the West folklore, having watched several TV adaptations of it. However, I don't think you've done enough to bring out the concept. There're a few minor errors here and there, but more so than those, I think the descriptions should have been a lot more vivid to bring out the surreal, legendary aspect of this concept. Furthermore, for what it is, the epic of the folklore has not really come through your writing. Nevertheless, it's interesting that you decided to adapt this particular folklore. It's a famous Chinese folklore, so I wasn't really expecting to see it here.

5.5/10




*YoungMaster*


*Spoiler*: __ 




The writing is fairly solid save for a few minor errors, but the concept is fairly typical fantasy. For 500 words, it is fairly difficult to create a fantasy battle scene that is well-elaborated and nuanced enough to really shine through on its own. To capture action fluidity, character, and world creation all within 500 words is perhaps nigh impossible, which is why this piece hasn't really managed to stand out for me. Nevertheless, the decent language is definitely deserving of some compliments, though more could definitely be done in creating a more fluid and vivid scene.

5.5/10




*Tyrael*


*Spoiler*: __ 




This is pretty well-written and gave me a good chuckle. (Is the idea of a goat perchance related to the recent goat simulator? That was the first thing that came to mind. ) Very unique and light-hearted take on the concept, and I don't think I've any real complaint with language either. It doesn't seem to boast of much depth of meaning, but it's nonetheless very imaginative and enjoyable. I'm not sure if this was meant to be allegorical - if it was, I'd quite appreciate some explanation since it floated by my head. All in all, this is a very solid piece.

8/10




*Stelios*


*Spoiler*: __ 




Poetry is a difficult form to grasp, and I wouldn't recommend using it unless you're very skilled with its craft. A good poem has the power to convey as much as a thousand-word prose in but a fraction of its length. 

Your piece, unfortunately, lacks the depth, nuance and subtlety that a poem ought to have for me to enjoy it. The rhyme scheme feels gratuitous and artificial, and the poem itself does not seem to convey much other than what it superficially describes. Furthermore, for an epic descriptive poem, the imagery and literary craft is far from sufficient for it to come through. The Divine Comedy - granted, I've only read small excerpts of its translation - is a good example of an epic poem done well.

Personally, I wouldn't recommend writing in verse unless you have a very compelling message to deliver succinctly and powerfully. Nevertheless, it's a valiant effort because poetry scares a lot of people away.

5/10




*Jaded Heart*


*Spoiler*: __ 




10/10 for your signature. (Kidding, kidding.)

I actually really like this piece, even though the language is occasionally choppy and could definitely have been more fluent and powerful in several aspects. The concept, however, is pretty well elucidated. In particular, I really like that you ended this with a short verse - it gave me chills, and left a very poignant sting of finality to conclude your piece. I also enjoy how the initial paragraphing depicting the 'monster' is so convoluted and gripping, only to transit into a different perspective which undermines the entire paragraph. All in all, a great piece.

7.5/10




*Mist Puppet*


*Spoiler*: __ 




The writing and the concept are both really good, and I think you managed to capture the sinister atmosphere pretty well. I really like how you explored the relationship between Scully and Jared, since it simultaneously gave a mysterious but tender touch to it, and that was a pretty damn troubling ending which concluded the piece without a hitch. 

Nevertheless, there's something about the setting which is mildly... strange, for some reason I cannot put a finger upon. There's just something about it that nags at me, but I cannot figure out why. It's a minor issue, however, since the overall product is great.

8/10




*Doctor Lamperouge*


*Spoiler*: __ 




As far as writing goes, this is fairly solid, but I think the imagery could have been more vivid as far as the characters' personalities go. Your descriptions are quite pretty, but I think they need more depth to go with them. The concept itself is not bad, and I quite enjoy the final twist - but again, it doesn't seem nearly as powerful as it could and should have been. There's a lot of telling, but perhaps not enough showing. Nonetheless, it's a good piece overall and definitely deserves some praise.

7/10




*krory*


*Spoiler*: __ 




I don't think you need to feel disappointed with yourself. This isn't a half-bad entry. You brought out the voice of this gruff and uncouth man through an audio monologue pretty vividly and for the most part I was very much able to visualise and imagine this man and his voice speaking the piece out. The concept is fairly interesting as well, even if it doesn't speak a whole lot to me personally. Frankly speaking, I can't think of a whole lot more you could do with whatever you set out to do. I'd say it's a job well done.

7/10




Summarised ratings:

*Banhammer:* 7.5/10
*adee:* 6.5/10
*Linkofone:* 5.5/10
*YoungMaster:* 5.5/10
*Tyrael:* 8/10
*Stelios:* 5/10
*Jaded Heart:* 7.5/10
*Mist Puppet:* 8/10
*Doctor Lamperouge:* 7/10
*krory:* 7/10


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## tari101190 (May 1, 2014)

Do I need to specifically ask people for feedback? Or did I miss another contest. There are a lot of new feedback posts but only for some people.


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## Banhammer (May 1, 2014)

Firaea's average ratings: 6,75
Banhammer's average ratings: 7,1


Say, i am rather curious about your opinion regarding my ending. 
You really think the ambiguity built in the beginning and middle really beats "the twist"?

Also, I get what you mean about Edgar.


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## Firaea (May 1, 2014)

tari101190 said:


> Do I need to specifically ask people for feedback? Or did I miss another contest. There are a lot of new feedback posts but only for some people.



I think you missed a contest.



Banhammer said:


> Firaea's average ratings: 6,75
> Banhammer's average ratings: 7,1
> 
> 
> ...



It's not a bad ending by any means. It works and it's pretty damn effective. It's just that I think something less in-your-face might have had even more impact. Don't get me wrong, though, since I sure as hell can't think of a way I'd end it better.

Speaking of average scores, I think I definitely gave higher scores this time around. I remember giving a lot of 5s and under the previous time around.


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## Banhammer (May 1, 2014)

I can smudge it a bit. Make it so we're not told 
*Spoiler*: __ 



 What edgar is being arrested for




That would help I guess


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## Doctor Lamperouge (May 3, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _Krory_ 



The way you used diction (contractions and slang and what not) to portray the narrator's personality was done well, although personally I'm not to fond of when a writer does that. But its just a matter of preference so I won't let it affect my rating too much. 

I like how you kept the nature of the swarm they were hunting mostly ambiguous, while implying what exactly what it was, as my imagination formed a picture of what was going on and it imagined something horrible. It was a nice touch describing the kid's reaction to the nest and his reluctance to kill at that point.

8/10





*Spoiler*: _Mist Puppet_ 



I quite like how you made the human (Jared's father) into the real monster while the monster (Scully, who is some sort of slithering, forked tongue creature) is far more humane than him. It was a nice little twist. 



> Scully reluctantly maneuvered out of his cast-iron grip, and smiled softly.
> 
> “Don't be afraid. I eat monsters.”



And this line is gold. 

I feel like you could have elaborated on the mother more, perhaps, like what happened to her or simply as a contrast and/or foil to the father. Or maybe just to create more of an impact when you drop the fact that Jared's father killed his mother. Its more of a minor little thing though, so don't worry to much about it, as overall this fic was excellent.

8.5/10





*Spoiler*: _Jaded Heart_ 



The way it starts off from the perspective of men, describing the monster as something terrible and grotesque, to be hunted and slain, but then switches to the monsters perspective and shows how men are just as bad if not worst, was very well done. I've always been fond of deconstructions like that.

Even just the initial description of the monster was beautifully written. The only thing I could say as far as constructive criticism goes, is that you could have portrayed the monster's vengeance. I felt that, with the quote about a dragon whispering thoughts of vengeance into the monster's ear, that it could have built up to the monster taking his vengeance and justifying the description of him at the beginning. 

8.3/10




_More to come. _


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## tari101190 (May 3, 2014)

Oh man I love monsters. I missed a really good topic.


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## Banhammer (May 5, 2014)

Would "Conquest" be an adequate title for an apocalypse horseperson?
I get the feeling these titles are after mass catastrophes, (Famine, War, Pestilence, and then a step up above the rest of them, Death)
Like how Gaiman and Pratchet once turned "Pestilence" into "Pollution"

Conquest sounds more like, idk, something that could be nice for the one doing the conquering


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## tari101190 (May 5, 2014)

Conquest, War, Famine, Death are the proper/original four horsemen (in that order).



> Like how Gaiman and Pratchet once turned "Pestilence" into "Pollution"


That was probably just to modernize it into something more of an issue with the world at the moment. Pollution is a modern problem. Pestilence, not so much.


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## Banhammer (May 5, 2014)

Nevermind, I just realized I'm in the wrong thread, lol


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## Tyrael (May 5, 2014)

Now that I have internet access again, expect my ratings soon. Will read over the entries when I sober up.


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## Millefeuille (May 8, 2014)

This thread has no organization. 
When does next contest start?
I need to win worst writer in nf prize.


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## Banhammer (May 17, 2014)

at ten submissions and  3 ratings, I kinda wish we had push the word limit a little


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## Krory (May 17, 2014)

And this is death.


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## Buskuv (May 17, 2014)

I mean, we can try to wrangle up some more reviews, but we might be one with it now.


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## Krory (May 17, 2014)

I say we just declare Mist winner again and move on.


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## Firaea (May 18, 2014)

This kinda just died.


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## Banhammer (May 18, 2014)

W/e, i-its not ilke cared or anything! >_>


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## Firaea (May 18, 2014)

Y-Yeah. D-Don't e-even suggest that I-I cared at all, baka!


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## Krory (May 18, 2014)

I get giddy everytime I see someone use my emote. :33 /offtopic


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## Linkofone (May 18, 2014)

Last few weeks were finals. I guess people were busy?


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## Mist Puppet (May 18, 2014)

I'm going to post rating in a bit

i was just procrastinating 

---------------------

not gonna double post so i'll just edit my stuff here

Banhammer: 7/10
adee: 6/10
Linkofone: 4/10
Young Master: 8/10
Firaea: 9/10
Tyrael: 8.5/10
Stelios: 3/10
Jaded Heart: 8/10
Doctor Lamperouge: 7/10
krory: 7.5/10


*Spoiler*: _Banhammer_ 



There's a few punctuation errors where some sentences are missing a comma (“Say, here’s a little thing I picked up from your mother*,*” Edgar told his daughter) or period (“She always made a point of pride in keeping some of her perfume with her purse*.*”). The dialogue in the middle part has those in the right places, so maybe you just missed that part

There's also a couple of word choices that seem suspect. I wouldn't really use "piercing" to describe smells. I'd use something like strong, pungent, maybe even penetrating in its place. 

Also "it meant a hospital smell that he *couldn’t not* breathe away from" bolded reads awkwardly for me. maybe its the extra not after couldn't or I'm just not reading it right.

Aside from that, it's a solid story with a bittersweet ending. For some reason I thought it was the man who was in the hospital bed but I assume that was what you were going for (and it adds to the ending)





*Spoiler*: _adee_ 



There's a good foundation here for a story but it seems a bit unfocused and lacks depth. 

The question of "who is the real monster?" at the end is nice but could have been integrated into the story a lot better. It also would have been strengthened with a physical description of the Writhkku and a reason why the characters consider them monsters.

Same with the handlers. What makes them so scary? Yeah, they are terrifying and can be really persuasive, but how? What makes them monsters?

Overall, good start but needs some polish.





*Spoiler*: _Linkofone_ 



Thanks to Google, I realize that this is a Journey to the West fic, or something taking place in that universe. Unfortunately not that familiar with it, which diminishes my enjoyment of the story.  

The writing feels choppy. The biggest example of this is



> The average figure attempted to console his friend. He then looked at the tree. Its bark cracked. The tall figure’s hand retreated back into his robe. He took another sigh, and turned towards the other figure.



It doesn't flow very well at all.

I get that there's a whole "speak of the devil" element in play at the end but the cliffhanger feels premature and awkward.

I think witnessing the actual event that branded this character a monster would have made for a better read than two characters talking about it. It just feels very detached for a scene where characters are emotionally charged.





*Spoiler*: _Young Master_ 





> Predictably the beast heard that from a mile away, but before it could react to the arrow, two daggers flew towards it's direction *l* twirling around him entrapping it in the wire that followed with a stream of electricity flowing through the wire striking directly after.



A run-on sentence. I think you can break this up into 2-3 sentences. The bold red lines are where you can end the sentences (with some tweaks obviously in order to make them fit).

Also, "mission complete" was an awkward ending. Leaving it at James' line would have been best. 

You did a good job with descriptions, but I wish the monster had its own as well. It's a pretty good story. Kinda generic, but generic ain't bad at all.





*Spoiler*: _Firaea_ 



I don't really have any criticisms. I applaud you for your word choice and the ability to draw out the character's anguish without being angsty or over-the-top.





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 



A surreal but funny story we got here. I really liked the actions of the background characters, like the guy who stood up but was pushed back to his seat by his friend. 

The ending didn't really gel with me though. Can't really explain why, but it just left me slightly unsatisfied. But the rest of the story was great. 





*Spoiler*: _Stelios_ 



Poetry!

It's just really plain and generic, with little flavor to set it apart. 

I wish I could comment more on it without looking like a complete ignoramus (well, more than I usually do anyways), but as a poem, it doesn't work for me at all. It probably would have been better off as a narrative





*Spoiler*: _Jaded Heart_ 



Aha! Finally a story that describes the literal monster ()

"But do they mention the remainder of the legendary tale" From the description, it doesn't really sound like a legendary tale. Sounds more like an old wives' tale for scaring children or something out of a religious text.

There are a couple of hiccups but overall a well-written story.





*Spoiler*: _Doctor Lamperouge_ 



I'm not really a fan of multiple time skips without a segue. It confuses pulls the reader out of the story if there is a poor/no transition. In this case it wasn't too bad, but it could have been handled a bit better (or avoided entirely)

The impact of the ending wasn't as great as I was expecting it to be. I think some echoing dialogue that would have appeared in the first part of the story (like when he rescued her from the first execution) would have fit better here.





*Spoiler*: _krory_ 



You have a good eye for character voice, and this story shows it. You did a good job of creating the character, enough to where i could hear him talking through this audio log in my head. 

It's a good story.


----------



## Banhammer (May 19, 2014)

I hate fucking up with grammar. 

Thanks


----------



## Krory (May 19, 2014)

This is making me feel like I should write more in first person perspective... which is funny, because I hate doing it.


----------



## Krory (May 19, 2014)

Firaea - 8.80
Tyrael - 8.47
Mist Puppet - 8.40
Jaded Heart - 7.90
krory - 7.50
Banhammer - 7.25
Lamperouge - 7.10
Young Master - 6.88
adee - 6.43
Linkofone - 5.50
Stelios - 4.00


Final scores that I'm getting.

Top 3: Firaea, Tyrael, Mist Puppet (again?!)

So unless there are objections maybe we should just move on and let Firaea pick the next topic?


----------



## Banhammer (May 19, 2014)

I hate scoring lower than a 7,5, but I guess it really wasn't as good as Church Mouse


----------



## Krory (May 19, 2014)

I hate scoring lower than a 9.


----------



## Banhammer (May 19, 2014)

Well, I feel ya, but personally, considering my severe dyslexia and scarce use of the queen's english, I can be really proud of an 8 point average, but hate making excuses for anything lower than a 7,5


----------



## Buskuv (May 19, 2014)

Neat.

We'll see if Fire is even around and see what the next topic will be.


----------



## Krory (May 19, 2014)

Banhammer said:


> Well, I feel ya, but personally, considering my severe dyslexia and scarce use of the queen's english, I can be really proud of an 8 point average, but hate making excuses for anything lower than a 7,5



I'm one of those people where if I don't do really, _really_ well I just basically go:


----------



## Krory (May 19, 2014)

Just dropped Firaea a VM letting him/her know, so hopefully we'll hear back soon. :33


----------



## Banhammer (May 19, 2014)

Next topic should be something utterly juvenile, like "Dildos"


----------



## Krory (May 19, 2014)

That is probably the most genius thing I've heard in a long time.


----------



## Firaea (May 19, 2014)

I won? 

Thanks, everyone. Although I already hate what I wrote... like I always do. >.>

Next topic shall be *'Dream'* then. (No, not the admin. )


----------



## tari101190 (May 20, 2014)

I'm definitely doing this one. Dream is a concept I love.


----------



## Tyrael (May 20, 2014)

Argh, we closed already? Annoyed with myself that I didn't get a chance to rate.

Still, congrats to el Firaea.


----------



## Krory (May 20, 2014)

Well we _are_ closing in on three weeks since rating started. Shame in that long of a time we had so few ratings (I know I didn't rate either, alas).


----------



## Linkofone (May 20, 2014)

Honestly I was expecting 1-3 from everyone for that last thing I did.


----------



## Banhammer (May 20, 2014)

Tyrael said:


> Argh, we closed already? Annoyed with myself that I didn't get a chance to rate.
> 
> Still, congrats to el Firaea.



there was a shit load of time, but at 3 ratings for 10 entries, I guess it's all the same


----------



## Banhammer (May 22, 2014)

tari101190 said:


> I'm definitely doing this one. Dream is a concept I love.



And I already wrote mine

Where's the thread?


----------



## Krory (May 22, 2014)

Yeah, Boskov.

Stop being so lazy or just make me Lit Mod already.


----------



## tari101190 (May 22, 2014)

I don't want to plan it out. I'm writing other things I want to spend more time on.

I want to use flash fiction contest as on the spot flash fiction. Spewing words on the spot without any planning and see what I come up with.


----------



## Garfield (May 22, 2014)

Mods don't need to make FF threads to be official though, one would think


----------



## Krory (May 22, 2014)

Alright, I'm on the thread.

What do you guys feel for the Deadline?


----------



## Mist Puppet (May 22, 2014)

in about 5 seconds


----------



## Garfield (May 22, 2014)

The thread dies when I die.








So say 1st week June?


----------



## Buskuv (May 22, 2014)

NO FINE I WILL MAKE THE THREAD JESUS JUST KIDDING I LOVE YOU GUYS


----------



## Krory (May 22, 2014)

Okay, we'll say June 5th - that gives exactly two weeks. Can extend or shorten as need be.

After the Music Department Mixtape banner I made, I'm kind of feeling like making a little banner or at least a header for the Flash Fiction threads. Maybe just change the opening post to personalize it a bit more instead of just infringing Boskov.  It would be kind of cool if, if different people made the threads, to have everyone do their own style of opening post.

Anyways, stfu Mist.


----------



## Buskuv (May 22, 2014)

I don't need to make the thread, bros.

Just let me know if you need any cleaning, sprucing or moving.


----------



## Buskuv (May 22, 2014)

No, I like the Mixtape ones, so that's fine with me.

I have no 1337 5k1llz, so if you want to make one, go right ahead.


----------



## Krory (May 22, 2014)

We're just trying to make sure you stay involved in the community and don't abandon us, Boskov - especially since you don't rate or post flash fiction anymore.


----------



## Buskuv (May 22, 2014)

My inferiority complex runs deep.

I won't; I still try to keep an eye on the forum, but it's a pretty quiet one.


----------



## Krory (May 22, 2014)

I know we're not your beloved child like the Music Department.  But at least we aren't the hated middle-child like the Gaming Department.


----------



## Buskuv (May 22, 2014)

The gaming dept. is definitely my red-headed step child.


----------



## Buskuv (May 22, 2014)

By the way, the subject is the user Dream, not the literal word.


----------



## Banhammer (May 22, 2014)

I have so much excitement for this contest I already submitted my entry


TBH, I'm starting to feel like Tim Burton, always doing the dark stuff, but I really hope to score at least 8 with it


----------



## Banhammer (May 22, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> By the way, the subject is the user Dream, not the literal word.



Can I just write the words "Preet a shit" 166 times?


----------



## Stelios (May 22, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> By the way, the subject is the user Dream, not the literal word.



Literature over an admin? Want us to get in line to stroke his dick as well?

Stop trolling us


----------



## Buskuv (May 22, 2014)

Well, now that you said to stop, there's no way that I can.

You know that.


----------



## Banhammer (May 22, 2014)

Also, being a compulsive egomaniac, I welcome discussion revision and rating at any time


Especially in the grammar department


----------



## Linkofone (May 22, 2014)

Well I was writing something about the word ...

Now I don't know what to write ...


----------



## tari101190 (May 22, 2014)

Start with a random sentence and just expand on it based on the word 'dream'.


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## Krory (May 22, 2014)

All of my stuff is predictable and the same.

How sad.


----------



## Linkofone (May 22, 2014)

What is Dream? A miserable pile of secrets ... :l

Nope ...


----------



## Doctor Lamperouge (May 22, 2014)

_I was expecting my piece to take longer and require more planning, but I really just ended up splurging it all on the page and got so excited that I submitted it right away. It probably sucks. _


----------



## Linkofone (May 22, 2014)

Will I tried. Please critique ... I need to become a better writer.


----------



## Millefeuille (May 22, 2014)

Where do u submit entries??


----------



## Mist Puppet (May 22, 2014)

Millefeuille said:


> Where do u submit entries??


----------



## Banhammer (May 22, 2014)

Reaction Ratings


*Spoiler*: _ Lamperouge_ 







Doctor Lamperouge said:


> *The Pursuit of Dreams*​
> She liked messing around with her piano as a child. It was just for fun, really.
> 
> One night she discovered music composition software on the web.  Soon enough, she learned how to transcribe her free-time spontaneity on the piano into actual notes. They were just simple, childish little things at first; short and playful one-handed melodies that didn’t really amount to much.


So far so good, maybe  re-think the commas


> But that’s where it all started, Yuki supposed.
> 
> Now here she was, in a concert hall in Dublin; playing her _magnum opus_ in front of thousands.
> 
> Her fingers danced on the keys in 7/8 time; the decision to use that time signature was inspired by her favorite show’s theme. She didn’t need to see where her fingers danced so she closed her eyes; just letting the liquid, silken vibrancy of her most beloved creation soak in through her ears was enough.


Still good, revisit paragraphing


> Her fingers had a mind of their own, and she felt them building up to a mounting crescendo, trilling through measure after measure until BAM! She reached a peak, and immediately came down to a subdued whisper.
> 
> It had taken her forever to come up with that. The dynamics in that section had felt off to her, and she’d pondered the quandary for months. Inspiration had come during a storm of all places, when a lightning bolt struck a tree in her backyard.


The way you put sound into paper is great, but the longer you take this metaphor, the more aware you have to be of transitions, like, you go from liquid, to wave, to lightning bolt.



> Yuki opened her eyes as she reached the most difficult section of her piece; she had practiced over a million times, yet it still daunted her. Her fingers were everywhere, soaring through impossible melodies like they were on fire. The subdued whisper from before had now erupted into controlled chaos, and another exhilarating crescendo began building to a peak.


See, the train of metaphor started with liquid, and now it's fire.





> For a brief moment at the back of her head, she likened her piece to sex.


And now out of nowhere, it's sex. You might have wanted to open with that.



> Yuki reached the final zenith, the climax of her greatest work, and then the music stopped. Her fingers rested, sustaining that last, beautiful note like the post-coital embrace of two lovers. She basked in the afterglow, more wondrous and fulfilling than any she’d felt from intercourse.


oookay.
See, you could a lot better with these sex metaphors if you stop treating them as seperate things.
Don't say "she held it like a last orgasm", go straight up "all the way up to an orgasmic finale"
If you have to bring the sex into it.
Maybe transition it better by acknowledging the shift. "It wasn't just chaos any more, it was sex"


> After a period of silence, she stood up, turned to the audience, and bowed. There was resounding applause.
> 
> It was expected of her to talk briefly about her piece. She told them about all of her inspirations, how if they listened closely enough they could see bits and pieces of all her other compositions in it and sections reminiscent of her favorite musicians. It was really, just a massive culmination of her life.


See, you've forgotten you're metaphor here. She basically just masturbated in front of a giant crowd, and the meaning of it to her seems mostly procedural


> When she returned home after the performance, Yuki supposed it would be alright for her to take some time off. Anyone rational would take a break; maybe even refrain from touching a piano again for a while, after having achieved their dream.
> 
> Instead, her fianc? found Yuki messing around with their piano again.
> 
> ...



And so does the story end, trying to make think it's about the true value of dreams being in the pursuit of them, rather than it's celebration, and about a driven yuki lady

I still think it's about a musical nympho, which mind you, it's an equally fascinating angle.

Anyway, major props to the way something like music was written down into language, major props to the linear simplicity of the story, think about my reaction log when revising it.

7,7/10, would read again


----------



## Krory (May 22, 2014)

I'm already feeling insecure and I don't even have an idea yet.


----------



## Banhammer (May 22, 2014)

I had 5 ideas tbh, but only one of them was good


Ideas are really cheap


----------



## Krory (May 22, 2014)

Not for me. I struggle to come up with an idea a lot of times and even when I come up with one, it's usually poor.

I got lucky the past two times.


----------



## Banhammer (May 22, 2014)

Well, you can't just sit and wait for them to come to you. You have to make a note of them as inspiration strucks you during the day


What really inspired me (though you might not like to go the same way I did) was a combo of Sandman and Lana del Rey's "once upon a dream"

Usually, a song or a music will really help me to get a flash fic along


----------



## Krory (May 22, 2014)

I think I am putting too much effort into this Flash Fiction banner.


----------



## Banhammer (May 22, 2014)

Linkofone said:


> _The Island of Ereve, 100 years ago. _



*Spoiler*: __ 



You blew 3 words telling me it was 100 years ago, but nowhere else in the flash does this chronology become relevant


> A small airship headed towards the island. There was only one passenger on board. A man wearing a worn-out red robe and carrying a large bag. Although he was only twenty, he looked ten years older. Barely conscious, he looked out of the ship’s window. His eyes tear up.



The setting is very well painted, but there's a flaw that imediately jumps out (Maybe I even share it, I lack self awareness a lot), which is, the thing sounds like a screen play
He is, he looks, he does.
It's the nature of flash in way, I get it, but revise your prose for an increased rating assigning.


> “Ereve. At last we made it.” He looked into the bag. “Don’t worry, you’ll be safe.”
> 
> Winter had arrived. The once beautiful trees of Ereve were now withered and dried. The lush grasslands, and landscapes of Ereve were now pure white. However, the light of sun made the island shine. He smiled.


More of the same problem, brother.



> “It is still as beautiful as I remembered it.”
> 
> The airship landed at the Ereve port.



Not to distract you, but if Ereve is an island, why are we necessarily making this trip through Airship?



> The man slowly made his exit. The entire island was peaceful and still. The only noises were the occasional chirping of birds and movement of small woodland creatures.


Peace and stillness and animal frollicking at an airport?



> As the man descends, he felt a sharp pain on his right side. The wound from his encounter with the Black Mage opened up. He struggled in pain.


More of the first problem.
Also, I get he was the only passenger of his zeppling thing, but was he the only crew as well? Why is being let out  and about with such a malady?


> “No! I can’t die just yet. Afrien, please give me the strength to move on.”


ooookay...


> The man walked another forty meters and collapsed. Sharp pains spread throughout his body.


For those counting, forty meters is about 44 yards, or 130 feet.


> “The promise, I ...”
> 
> His blood stained the snow.


Good thing he was wearing a red robe then


> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> _Scene shifts to hazy but lucid world._


Oh. I really am reading a screen play. 
I have to rate this differently then.


> “Freud.” A mysterious voice called to him. “Wake up.”
> 
> “…”
> 
> The man awoke. He looked around wondering where the voice came from. Purple haze was all around him, it seemed to stretch on for eternity.


Now we're getting first person perspectives?





> “Who are you?”
> 
> “ … We’ve been together for so long … did you really forget me?”
> 
> The haze gathered around him and formed into the shape of a Dragon.



KALEESI





> “Afrien, is that really you?” He moved closer to the Onyx Dragon.
> 
> “I guess the Black Mage must have hit you on the head pretty hard to make you forget about me.” The Dragon snickered. He looked at Freud’s unamused face. “Relax, it was a joke.”


Freud can have a concussion and halucinate about his father's dick for the rest of his life now, you drake-hole

Also, if Freud opened up a brain wound, then he would probably should have been more worried.
Also, you might want to reconsider letting us know Freud's name earlier, so we can care more about his imminent death



> Freud sighed. “Afrien, where are we?
> 
> “We’re in your subconscious right now Freud. And before you ask … no, you’re not dead … “
> He sat down.
> ...


Boy, the dragon sure complains a lot
Also, in my head canon, Freud is an acid dropper, chasing puff the magic dragon


> Afrien then looked at Freud.
> 
> “It looks like our time is up my old friend. Please take care yourself, and keep the promise you made to me. Farewell.”
> 
> “Wait Afrie-“


Share with me your staaaash





> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> When Freud came to, he was lying on a bed. Sitting beside him was the young Empress Cygnus.


Some pot heads have all the luck in the world.

Also, I don't suppose the introduction of this new character will bear an insight of something Freud couldn't have simply figured out by himself?


> “Your highness, the e-” Freud attempted to get up.
> 
> “The egg is safe.” Added Cygnus. “You should rest now Freud.”



Your airport based economy however, is in dire straits. Someone should look into that.


> Freud breathed a sigh of relief and rested.



Probably shouldn't, considering the dragon inducing magical concussion..





It changes things knowing I'm reading a screen play. It ups the rating a bit., but there are still things like the mostly superfluous character of Cygnus, and the peripheral impact of the Dream, where it should have been a central theme[/SPOILER]

6,2/10.  

Please, revise and rethink.
You can still very much keep the exact same plot structure, but maybe cut a few things, paste their bare essentials onto other  things, and bring the theme of "dreams" more into the foray of your story.
You should be aware though, dialog is meant to burn the shit out screenplay pages, so it's not like you word counts to spare

Of course, all ratings are subject to  revision


----------



## Krory (May 22, 2014)

I shall do one with the upcoming new name for the section, too. Because I'm bored.


----------



## Linkofone (May 22, 2014)

> Please, revise and rethink.



Will do. 



> Your airport based economy however, is in dire straits. Someone should look into that.





I laughed harder than I should have. Although I don't think I can spend a paragraph talking about the economy of Ereve.


----------



## Doctor Lamperouge (May 22, 2014)

_Going to wait until the deadline and all stories are submitted before posting any ratings. This time I'll try to do all of them, instead of only doing some before forgetting. _



Banhammer said:


> The way you put sound into paper is great, but the longer you take this metaphor, the more aware you have to be of transitions, like, you go from liquid, to wave, to lightning bolt.
> 
> 
> See, the train of metaphor started with liquid, and now it's fire.



_So, is it better to focus on one train of metaphor, rather than multiple? 

Or is it okay if the metaphors are about separate things (like the music is liquid, the way the fingers moved were like they were on fire, the crescendo peak was like the crash of lightning bolt, etc. all different things)? _



Banhammer said:


> See, you've forgotten you're metaphor here. She basically just masturbated in front of a giant crowd, and the meaning of it to her seems mostly procedural



_Not exactly sure what you mean by I've forgotten the metaphor. 

Although, masturbation is one way to put it, I guess. _




Banhammer said:


> I still think it's about a musical nympho, which mind you, it's an equally fascinating angle.



_This made me laugh. 

I personally do think she's a bit conceited though, comparing her music to sex. _



Banhammer said:


> Anyway, major props to the way something like music was written down into language, major props to the linear simplicity of the story, think about my reaction log when revising it.
> 
> 7,7/10, would read again



_Thanks for the review and rating. :33_


----------



## Linkofone (May 23, 2014)

Yes, anyways. Thank you for the critique. I did some revising.


----------



## Firaea (May 23, 2014)

Dr. Boskov Krevorkian said:


> By the way, the subject is the user Dream, not the literal word.



No. 


...ironically, I'm coming up completely blank for this topic even though I chose it and honestly love the concept (which is why I chose it).


----------



## Krory (May 23, 2014)

>No love for the banner


----------



## Linkofone (May 23, 2014)

It looks cool.


----------



## Banhammer (May 23, 2014)

krory said:


> >No love for the banner



BUT IF WE START COMPLIMENTING YOUR BANNER SKILLS, YOU WON'T WRITE


----------



## Krory (May 23, 2014)

Or I'll just stop doing _everything_.


----------



## Banhammer (May 23, 2014)

YOU HAVE TO WRITE KRORY, WE BELIEVE IN YOU


----------



## Krory (May 23, 2014)

I'm pretty sure you don't.


----------



## Banhammer (May 23, 2014)

You're comitting fairy suicide right now


But I like your banner


----------



## Firaea (May 23, 2014)

krory said:


> I shall do one with the upcoming new name for the section, too. Because I'm bored.



There's going to be a new name for the section? 

Nice banner, but your upcoming submission for the contest would be nicer.


----------



## Krory (May 26, 2014)

Welcome to the Reader's Corner bitches.


----------



## Firaea (May 26, 2014)

A corner is all we get? That's depressing.


----------



## Krory (May 26, 2014)

Corners are nice, you can see everything going on around you and nobody can sneak up behind you.  Be a little grateful.


----------



## Buskuv (May 26, 2014)

At least Dream actually DID it for us.


----------



## Krory (May 26, 2014)

Agreed. Fuck the haters, Boskov, *I* like it and appreciate it.


----------



## Buskuv (May 26, 2014)

_Thank_ you, Krory.

Good luck with the Tech and Lifestyle forums, tho.


----------



## Krory (May 26, 2014)

Yeeeaaah, I don't foresee that happening but like I said, my main concerns were Lit and Music. So, whatevs.


----------



## Firaea (May 26, 2014)

Dr. Biscuit Kardashian said:


> At least Dream actually DID it for us.



Hence why the current topic is named in his honour.


----------



## Banhammer (May 28, 2014)

alright, let's do this




Tyrael said:


> *Spoiler*: __
> 
> 
> 
> I’m in the fourth of today’s backyards, crashing gate and uncomfortable step.



*Spoiler*: __ 




Please review sentence


> Two days, two pennies and still the shambling man won’t leave me alone, stomping up and down the street with his rickety faux-blues long-limbed lope. I didn’t know what he wanted from me, but I reckoned that smile was painted on his face and he probably wanted me to remove it somehow. Joke was on him.



Please review paragraph



> So have I told you about my mate Cerberus? He talks about the trials and tribulations of guarding hell, his sweat gouged fir flattening as Hades cries himself beyond my comprehension, but I don’t think that he really guards hell.



Please revise paragraph. Is the protagonist meant to be a dog?


> I don’t believe in hell, and it’s all that multi-headed asshole’s fault that I’m beside these towering concrete flats and overweight bungalows, arms bleeding eyes sore.



So the setting is set as some form of urban greek-ology.
Alright.
Please revise sentence structure.


> Some pregnant woman is staring at me and I consider telling her to fuck off.


What the hell


> But she’s pregnant and tired looking and I’m a coward so I scuttle away, perpendicular crabwalk to avoid detection.


Not telling random staring pregnant ladies to fuck off is cowardice?


> Somehow she still sees me, through the rural heat haze, eye-weighted gavels striking at my soul.


What the hell lady, fuck off


> Still, jokes on all o’ them. I got the fleece, golden jus’ like they said it’d be. I could tell it was golden ‘cause o’ the blue light that follows me around wherever I go. I deserve it too, on account of my saving the world. Not done it yet, mind, but I will.


Okay, this is better


> I’m lying down again. Not in a backgarden this time,


I thought he was crab walking


> thank Christ:


Good ol' Christ, the greek God of mixed pantheons


> most of them around her are resplendent with smashed heroine needles glinting in the daylight, haunted by the souls of long-dead Victorian authors.


For a second there, I thought the needles were haunted



> Would be worth it if I could sit down and jam with Dickens or even Collins, but most of them are just some depressed bastard called Mr James.


Cute.


> Worthy of the little leases of graces from the tyrannical overthrow of the sky’s eye, am I not? Will I never get a break, if not even a shatter?



Please, Revise.



> Truth is something’s chasing me, and I can feel it grasping me now.



ah yes, I remember a shambling man



> It is a shadowy figure, a spectral presence, that looks to thwart my quest. Not a person, not a creature, not even a ghost – it eats time and devours actions. Too many times have my actions and my heroism and my productivity been undone. Too many worlds conquered in absence of the things I’ve done but not.



I empathise. I too have done bad acid





> Where am I? I don’t know. I’ve been lead into a trap.


You and I both, brother. Some sort of eye soring bungallow place, I wager.


> People are staring – so many people, so many with faces like dolls, dead eyes and plastic faces, nightmarish gaps where neurons should be firing. It’s all against me I realise, they all work for the devourer. They all carry the chains he has put on them.
> 
> I try to flee, my legs give way. I know not why, and I suspect I’ve walked into a trap. Darkness is coming now, I feel it, but it shall not take me. It cannot. I will not allow it.







Oh, ok.


It's nearly impossible for me to rate this flash. I can make little to no sense of anything that went through this essay.
There's some vague protagonist, in a vague setting, discussing vague character links and references.
Also, I cannot discern where the theme "Dream" comes into play.
Maybe you'll want to revise the whole piece.


----------



## Tyrael (May 29, 2014)

That's pretty much the best reaction I've ever got an FF, although I get the feeling I should be apologising to you.


----------



## Firaea (May 30, 2014)

I haven't read the entries, but seeing Banhammer's reaction makes me think this will be quite a funny read. 

We need more entries!


----------



## Krory (Jun 2, 2014)

I lost track of time.  I need to hurry.

Anyone object to still ending it on the 5th?


----------



## Firaea (Jun 2, 2014)

Not me, since I've churned out an entry. I do think we should extend it till the end of the upcoming weekends though, to give people more time to work on their entries. Thoughts?


----------



## Banhammer (Jun 2, 2014)

Frankly I think extending it too far is counterproductive. Authors need a good spanking of a schedule above anything else


----------



## Tyrael (Jun 2, 2014)

Another couple of entries and we're at a decent number really.


----------



## Banhammer (Jun 2, 2014)

After the grand total of 3 ratings we got last round? Meh


----------



## Banhammer (Jun 2, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _Firaea_ 







> Gently, I push. The colossal stone gates part almost weightlessly, their granitic magnificence giving way to a deluge of light from which I cringe momentarily. The air is stale with a quaint, wooden effluvium, divinely ancient. An aisle, upon which a regal white carpet is laid upon, extends seemingly infinitely into the horizon, its end imperceptible. Flanking it on both sides are innumerable rows of wooden chairs diminishing into the distance. The cathedral is washed throughout by the iridescence of golden light refracted through the clerestories.


Exquisite start, but be wary of the present tense narrative, she's a dangerous mistress


> “I… remember this place, but…” Her voice trembles.
> 
> I nod.
> 
> ...



Another great show of pacing. Take notes children. 
The setting and the players are set, the character's interaction feeds of each other, and not much has happened nearly haflway the word count, but what has is shaping up to be done well


> I glance to the back. The cathedral’s entrance has become an infinitesimal speck far behind, but ahead the aisle continues to extend ineluctably beyond all concept of end. All notion of time is lost on me. We merely keep walking down this timeless infinity, swathed in the deathless resplendence of the blissfully golden light.



Here the prose shows a few flights of what in my language we call "expensive words", such as ineluctably, and resplendence.
They're a risk new writers should avoid, but because this flash plays on the expectation of a dream, such fantasy feels in tone.



> This cannot be real, and yet when I squeeze her fingers between my own, I feel the echoing pangs of heartache too keenly for this to be anything but real.


This here could use a bit of revision. Maybe just a few tactical commas here and there, maybe more.


> “Where are we going?”
> 
> I gaze into her eyes but do not find it in myself to respond.



As long as this recap has turned into a class, I'm also going to point out to this line and talk about language consistency.
So far, the communication between the two characters has been verbal and physical. This is a heavy visual.
Tend these shifts carefully, when writing longer pieces.



> Where can I find it to possibly deny this indelible eternity, this imperishable beauty which can well go on and on and ever after? _Ever after._ Just briefly, I let myself be lost in the fantasy of those two words and begin to imagine, since this is supposed to be my world after all, everything that I have ever longed for coming to life here.


In longer works, this intimate realization of one's own emotions would be better advised to come from more explanation.


> But I do not lie to myself; in my heart, I do know the answer.


Aaaand, do you tell her?



> I lose track of how much further we have walked.


present tense/past tense mix up



> Abruptly, the light erupts into a blinding cataclysm which paralyses my senses. The world disintegrates. Melts. Everything becomes a void of light.
> 
> I become conscious of nothing, but I still feel the warmth that my hand clings dearly onto.
> 
> ...


Deus Ex Lucen? Did something prompt this?


> “Home,” I say. “I’m taking you home.”



Ah, she does answer.
Great. You should probably move this line immediately after that question so that the transition between the "gaze" and the "cataclysm of light" feels less like a loose thread and have the embrace be your ending.


A lot of really good things are done in this piece, but there are also a few things that I can't for the life of me fill.
Clearly the who, why and where aren't meant to be the focus of the story, so the "what" need a bit more fattening
Mind you, I say this without knowing a single thing of what to cut to give the 500 words enough space to get what it needs. Everything seems very necessary

8.0/10


----------



## Firaea (Jun 3, 2014)

First and foremost, thank you very much for the review, Banhammer! 



Banhammer said:


> Exquisite start, but be wary of the present tense narrative, she's a dangerous mistress



I don't normally write in the present tense either, but these days I find an interesting effect that results from it, which is why I'm experimenting with using it to see if I can familiarise myself with it.




Banhammer said:


> Another great show of pacing. Take notes children.
> The setting and the players are set, the character's interaction feeds of each other, and not much has happened nearly haflway the word count, but what has is shaping up to be done well
> 
> 
> ...



I do have the tendency to use too many 'expensive words' within too short a frame, I must admit, though I was under the impression that my first paragraph committed that sin more. 




Banhammer said:


> This here could use a bit of revision. Maybe just a few tactical commas here and there, maybe more.



Hmm, I'm not sure if I could insert any more commas into that sentence without overusing commas, actually. 



Banhammer said:


> As long as this recap has turned into a class, I'm also going to point out to this line and talk about language consistency.
> So far, the communication between the two characters has been verbal and physical. This is a heavy visual.
> Tend these shifts carefully, when writing longer pieces.



Very good point. Duly noted.



Banhammer said:


> present tense/past tense mix up



I'm not actually seeing the problem here. The phrase 'have walked' is in the present perfect tense, so the sentence itself is still in the present tense. Do correct me if I might be mistaken. 



Banhammer said:


> In longer works, this intimate realization of one's own emotions would be better advised to come from more explanation.



Duly noted.



Banhammer said:


> Deus Ex Lucen? Did something prompt this?
> 
> Ah, she does answer.
> Great. You should probably move this line immediately after that question so that the transition between the "gaze" and the "cataclysm of light" feels less like a loose thread and have the embrace be your ending.
> ...



My original writing of this entry ended up with 559 words (and that was with me consciously trying not to be too verbose as I usually am). 59 words may not seem like a lot, but it made a world of difference to me in terms of certain phrasings and choices of words which I had to amend. 

Also, I wrote this entry as a standalone piece, but I admit that it lacks the build-up that it should have been given had it been part of a larger whole, which might make much of it even more confusing.

The entire scene is meant to be ambiguous, so I quite understand and agree with your various concerns. It's also meant to be rather heavily symbolic - but again, this is probably appreciable only with context. I may perhaps give more explanation to the piece later on if necessary.

All in all, thank you very much for the critique! :33


----------



## Banhammer (Jun 3, 2014)

Firaea said:


> First and foremost, thank you very much for the review, Banhammer!



It's a privilege, really, and it's not so much a review as a reaction log.
My comments may be exactly what you were going for.



> I do have the tendency to use too many 'expensive words' within too short a frame, I must admit, though I was under the impression that my first paragraph committed that sin more.



Like I said, it lends well to the flash at hand



> Hmm, I'm not sure if I could insert any more commas into that sentence without overusing commas, actually.



Maybe you're right. I still feel like this has room for tweaking, pausse to stretch out the intimate intensity, but you're the master of the story's voice.




> I'm not actually seeing the problem here. The phrase 'have walked' is in the present perfect tense, so the sentence itself is still in the present tense. Do correct me if I might be mistaken.


The verbs in your piece follow a present tense in such examples as "I nod", "I push" "I glance"
I feel like consistency demands the sentence to be changed into "I loose track of how much further we walk"
Unless I'm the one mixing up the messenge.
Then, my bad.



> My original writing of this entry ended up with 559 words (and that was with me consciously trying not to be too verbose as I usually am). 59 words may not seem like a lot, but it made a world of difference to me in terms of certain phrasings and choices of words which I had to amend.
> 
> Also, I wrote this entry as a standalone piece, but I admit that it lacks the build-up that it should have been given had it been part of a larger whole, which might make much of it even more confusing.
> 
> The entire scene is meant to be ambiguous, so I quite understand and agree with your various concerns. It's also meant to be rather heavily symbolic - but again, this is probably appreciable only with context. I may perhaps give more explanation to the piece later on if necessary.



Completely understandable and so true.

I faced the exact same issue with my entry, "Dioclave" myself (yes, I name my entires  ) in which there was this suposedly standalone piece but that relied so heavily in iconography and inuendo that after re-reading it three or four times, I realized how three legged it really was, so it's definitely a great learning experience.

(In my defense, I thought at the time that all the references would be mainstream enough to be able to stand alone, but was mistaken)

Maybe sometime in the future we could creat a Flash Expansion thread, where Flash submissions can be expanded to without a word limit for each other's enjoyment, rather than contest submission, because I'm certainly curious about to what those 59 words were


----------



## Krory (Jun 5, 2014)

I suppose unless there's going to be any last-minute entrants, should just go ahead and ask Boskov to lock the Flash Fiction thread.


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## Firaea (Jun 6, 2014)

Banhammer said:


> Maybe sometime in the future we could creat a Flash Expansion thread, where Flash submissions can be expanded to without a word limit for each other's enjoyment, rather than contest submission, because I'm certainly curious about to what those 59 words were



I like this idea. It'd be nice if there were a thread for us to discuss previous Flash Fiction entries and expand upon them without affecting the ratings for the ongoing contests. However, considering the lull in activity even in the actual contest, I doubt it'd garner much discussion at all, sadly.



krory said:


> I suppose unless there's going to be any last-minute entrants, should just go ahead and ask Boskov to lock the Flash Fiction thread.



5 entries?


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## dream (Jun 6, 2014)

If you guys need help advertising each FlashFiction Contest just tell me and I would be more than willing to put up a notice.


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## Krory (Jun 6, 2014)

Firaea said:


> 5 entries?



I just completely blanked on the whole thing, I have nothing. And we set a date and it'd be best to kind of adhere to it, you know?




Dream said:


> If you guys need help advertising each FlashFiction Contest just tell me and I would be more than willing to put up a notice.



This would be quite awesome. I guess since it looks like Boskov is kind of disassociating from FF, one of us could notify you if when we have one going. Thanks, Preet.


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## Firaea (Jun 7, 2014)

I'll throw in my ratings some time within the week.


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## Tyrael (Jun 8, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _Banhammer_ 



This is all very staccato. Stylistically that doesn't endear itself to me, lacks flow. Some nice images and ideas here, but the text lacks a real body to make them feel all that substantive.

As a whole I found this a step too ambiguous - it wasn't that I wasn't able to work out who anyone was, more that I wasn't particularly able to figure out a point to the piece. A central narrative should really be shining through regardless, but all I got was a very brief tour round an odd jail.

Even after reading the bit you added on I felt that the references lacked any meaningful context to make them interesting really. If anything, it felt like just an excuse to make said references and try out little stylistic flourishes.

Still, the ideas were interesting and you've obviously put a lot of thought into this.

*6.5*





*Spoiler*: _Doctor Lamperouge_ 



I like the simplicity of this piece. For much of this you don't try and overwrite or over stylise - you take us quite simply and engagingly through this girl's hobby and passion.

You do recognise that at some point things need to be amped up a bit, and I think this is where things kind of fall apart. Not only does the stylistic change not flow naturally, it can also come across as a bit cliche and unsubtle:

"liquid, silken vibrancy" is a mixed metaphor.

"soaring through impossible melodies like they were on fire" fire soars? Again, watch out for mixing metaphors.

Also the sex metaphor was a bit tell-y - instead of telling us how great it feels, why not describe some of the sensations it induces in her? As it is, that extended metaphor didn't feel particularly sexy at all.

This piece was at its strongest when it was just being simple and straightforward, which really suited the simplicity of the conclusion it came to. I think it might have benefited just from a cutting down of the more purple parts.

*7*





*Spoiler*: _Linkofone_ 



This seems somewhat ill-judged from the outset to be honest - personally, I think a good FF should be a snapshot that tells a whole story in and of itself. This seems more like a rushed chapter of a full story.

I guess I'm being harsh, but you convey an awful lot of information in this piece whilst never particularly making any of it interesting or conveying all that much context. You need to play more on connotations and associations, through suggestions and ambiguity, to convey as much as you want to here whilst making it effective in this medium. 

Because you try to directly tell us so much, you end up telling us far too little. Sorry about being so harsh, again, and don't stop keep trying.

*2.5*





*Spoiler*: _Firea_ 



It's a writing cliche, but beware dem adverbs. The first paragraph especially could use an awful lot of weeding, as it were, to tighten it up. You're not far off hitting a really good style here, but trimming is definitely needed. There are a few awkward sentences where you seem to be struggling with present tense too.

I liked this piece overall - when your style is on point it is fantastic, and the whole idea behind the piece is nicely balanced between simplicity and abstractness.

You do repeat yourself an awful lot though - things disappearing into infinity, distortion of time. For what its worth, the subject matter might justify repetition, but you're execution hasn't made it work. It comes across a bit too repetitive in the wrong way.

*8*






krory said:


> I shall do one with the upcoming new name for the section, too. Because I'm bored.



Ah, can't believe I missed this. That's pretty cool likes dude.


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## Banhammer (Jun 8, 2014)

Hmm. Well, I certainly respect that.
The intention was to make the idea of a downtroden goddess that other gods like Odin _rode_ on turning evil , getting revenge and manipulating the dream like nature of them to get revenge, with increasingly sadistic creativity.

I'll try harder next time


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## Tyrael (Jun 8, 2014)

Ah, fair enough.

Feel like I should probs explain my piece:


*Spoiler*: _No clicky 'til you've rated!_ 



Sleep deprivation causes hallucinations. The idea behind my piece was a guy whose world is basically a blur between dreams and waking, and his fear of actually going to sleep, chasing him inevitably down.

I wrote it whilst I myself was suffering from pretty bad insomnia, nowhere near as bad as my protagonist mind, and didn't change anything because it's a pretty realistic representation of how garbled my brain was at the time.


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## Linkofone (Jun 8, 2014)

Tyrael said:


> *Spoiler*: _Linkofone_
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well I guess it depends on people then. My lit professors liked the story. But I guess people had to be in my shoes to understand the story. Ty for the rating.

-----------------------------

I dislike rating other people's story because I'll probably give everyone a low score because the difference of styles.

*Edit:*

Damn I sound like a butthurt mofo.


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## Doctor Lamperouge (Jun 8, 2014)

_will have ratings out sometime this week. _



Tyrael said:


> *Spoiler*: _Doctor Lamperouge_
> 
> 
> 
> ...



_Thanks for the review. I seem to have problems with purple prose sometimes. Probably inherited from my favorite author, who also had purple prose problems during his career. 




			"soaring through impossible melodies like they were on fire" fire soars? Again, watch out for mixing metaphors.
		
Click to expand...


People seem to be misinterpreting this part, I've noticed. The melodies are the ones on fire, but her fingers are the ones doing the soaring. _


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## Krory (Jun 8, 2014)

So we have Tyrael's complete ratings, Banhammer's partial ratings (I only see him rating Tyrael and Firaea unless I'm missing something).

Will wait for Lamp's and I'll try to come up with some myself at least. 

If we get at that point, four ratings for five stories. That's something. Unless people disagree.


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## Doctor Lamperouge (Jun 8, 2014)

krory said:


> So we have Tyrael's complete ratings, Banhammer's partial ratings (I only see him rating Tyrael and Firaea unless I'm missing something).
> 
> Will wait for Lamp's and I'll try to come up with some myself at least.
> 
> If we get at that point, four ratings for five stories. That's something. Unless people disagree.


_Banhammer also rated mines and Linkofone's I believe. _


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## Tyrael (Jun 8, 2014)

4 ratings work.



Linkofone said:


> Well I guess it depends on people then. My lit professors liked the story. But I guess people had to be in my shoes to understand the story. Ty for the rating.
> 
> -----------------------------
> 
> ...



Don't let giving people low ratings get in the way of doing it. If you think it's an honest rating, then it's all good. I'd rather someone give me a low score than decide not to rate.



Doctor Lamperouge said:


> Thanks for the review. I seem to have problems with purple prose sometimes. Probably inherited from my favorite author, who also had purple prose problems during his career.



It's not that I have a problem with purple prose per say - the way you've executed it didn't quite work both stylistically and structurally.



> People seem to be misinterpreting this part, I've noticed. The melodies are the ones on fire, but her fingers are the ones doing the soaring.



It's because of the way you've constructed the sentence - grammatically, the subject of the sentence is still the fingers, so when you attach the modifier it is applied to the subject.

Even if you had done it correctly, it still is a mixed metaphor really.


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## Banhammer (Jun 9, 2014)

Yo I have written comments on all the pieces


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## Firaea (Jun 9, 2014)

Thank you very much for the rating, Tyrael!

I'll give my ratings. Promise. It'll just take some... procrastination.


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## Krory (Jun 9, 2014)

Banhammer said:


> Yo I have written comments on all the pieces



My mistake, only caught the two.


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## Doctor Lamperouge (Jun 12, 2014)

_
*Spoiler*: Banhammer 



To be honest, I didn't get all the references until I read your notes. I got the Ares and Aphrodite one easy enough, and I got Loki as soon as you mentioned Sleipnir and Thor when you revealed the hammer, but the rest failed to click. Maybe if I had read it more before reading your notes.

I liked your descriptions, "blood on milk", "impossible silver starlights", etc. and I got the sense that there were plenty hidden layers of symbolism behind what was going on in your piece, even though I didn't fully know and understand them until I read your notes.

As far as criticism goes; I felt like the theme wasn't prominent enough in the piece. I understood the whole "gods are creatures of dreams" aspect, but I felt like you could've brought that to the forefront more. I also thought your use of punctuation was strange in a few places, but its a minor thing at best.

Lastly, I felt like the ending with what happens to Loki wasn't clear enough, and I only really understood what had happened when I read your notes. The pieces were there for understanding, but they just didn't click. Like I said earlier though, maybe I should've read it more for clarity. 

Overall, once I understood I really enjoyed the concept and premise of your piece. :33

*7.5/10 *





*Spoiler*: Linkofone 



Like others have said, it doesn't really have much to do with dreams other than having a dream in it, but that no more makes it a piece about dreams than having an airship in it makes it a piece about airships. 

Your prose and diction is fairly decent.

This felt like a snapshot of a wider story, but personally I feel like this isn't the best place to be giving snapshots. All of the broader details and nuances that go into world building and characterization are difficult to compress into 500 words, so standalones are better than snapshots in my opinion. 

I'll give you props for giving us a snapshot of what could become a nice fantasy epic, although I wouldn't really give you much praise for original world building. 

Finally; unrelated to the story itself, but I felt the GIF of the little girl you added was a bit unnecessary. Now I'm imagining Empress Cygnus as this five-year old loli monarch. 

*5/10 *





*Spoiler*: Tyrael 



My personal interpretation is that the narrator is just really, really high, which can be considered a sort of dream state so hurrah for themes. The line about heroine just confirmed it for me. 

If your intention was to portray the thoughts of a man who is just completely tripping out, I feel like you've succeeded in that respect. I was originally a bit bothered by some lines where I felt you needed more commas, like "arms bleeding eyes sore" but the way it reflects the narrator's state of mind in how even the thoughts he narrates just jumbles together was a nice touch, if that was your intention.

*8/10 

Edit: Oh, it was about insomnia. I thought it was about a guy who was high, because of the heroin line. My bad. *





*Spoiler*: Firaea 



I like it for your prose and use of diction alone; I'm a sucker for things like "timeless infinity" and "deathless resplendence". 

It had a very dream like feel to it, in both your diction and what was happening; the end felt like a cool awakening from a slumber. I'm not sure that's how you meant to incorporate the dream theme, but that's just something that that came to me. 

Overall, I liked it quite a bit. 

Sorry for the short(ish) review; I kind of wrote all of these at one time and yours was the last, so I got lazy a bit. 

*8.1/10 *


_


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## Firaea (Jun 13, 2014)

*Banhammer:*


*Spoiler*: __ 



I'll admit. The references completely escaped me since I'm very unfamiliar with mythology, which made it difficult to appreciate this piece on a more personal level. The idea is definitely interesting and I give you compliments for incorporating all these references into your piece, but the pacing and flow could use some work. The structure doesn't lend the piece much help since it feels rather fragmented, and much of the prose doesn't seem to be going anywhere in particular.

The images used don't seem to carry enough weight for the piece to work by itself, either. I don't think there's necessarily a need for a central idea for the piece to work, but what's going on doesn't feel... important enough. I get what's going on, but how is what's going on pertinent? That seems to be lacking, though I admit it may have been a fault with my understanding, given my incompetence with mythological references.

Language-wise, there're a few areas you stumble at especially in punctuation. Otherwise, there're some good showings, though they are again held back by the structure.

6/10




*Doctor Lamperouge:*


*Spoiler*: __ 



The language is tightly knitted together even if it isn't revolutionary, and what's important is that you've successfully brought out the idea in spite of its fair simplicity. That said, I do feel as if the images and writing could use even more flair and power to escalate it to greater potentials. Execution is exactly what turns a simple idea into an absolute masterpiece. While your piece is by no means bad and is in fact a very respectable effort, I don't think enough has been done to truly give it flavour.

However, the sex metaphor felt... unnecessary. I'm not certain as to what purpose it serves and how it adds to what you're trying to bring out. It feels out of place to me, really. Nevertheless, the piece as a whole is fluently-written and definitely deserves praise.

7/10




*Linkofone:*


*Spoiler*: __ 



Ah, Maplestory. Good old Maplestory. This is a nostalgic piece for me, since I used to play this when I was a lot younger. That said, I don't think the descriptions are vivid enough to bring out the dreaminess of Ereve and the whole magical nature of the place. 

The piece seems to act as a kind of build-up fantasy piece to the return of Black Mage, but it does so without evoking the necessary sense of tension and fear that it should. A lot of words are spent on dialogues that frankly don't feel important enough to significantly contribute to the idea at hand, while not enough words are used in making the description more powerful. It's not fantastical enough, I might say. For a 500-word piece, I think it would have been better if it focussed either on vivacity of description and environmental dreaminess or on the sinister, frightening return of the Black Mage.

6/10




*Tyrael:*


*Spoiler*: __ 



This is a very risky idea. While on one hand it is incredibly creative - and to some extent even funny to read (the pregnant lady part) -, it also comes across as a little gimmicky and difficult to comprehend. I really like how the idea is brought out. I personally interpreted the haphazardness of the entire piece as a way to show how dreams tend to make no sense, and this senselessness really comes across in this piece.

But I called it risky because senselessness is not generally a positive trait, and while in the context of your idea and the theme it definitely works, the piece nevertheless comes across as very abstruse. It's very difficult for me to make any sense of the point and meaning of each image, and though I admit that this may be my own failing, I can't glean much from the piece other than the fact that it's very creatively senseless and it's stylistically very unique. 

In any less competent hands, this would have completely flopped. But you managed to pull it off very well, in spite of all.

7.5/10


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## Tyrael (Jun 13, 2014)

Everything is tallied - should we hold out for one more rating or not?

Edit - No time like the present:


*Spoiler*: _1st_ 



Firea




*Spoiler*: _2nd_ 



Tyrael




*Spoiler*: _3rd_ 



Lamperouge





*Spoiler*: _Scores_ 



Bans - 6.666666667
Links - 4.925
Lamps - 7.233333333
Me - 7.75
Fires - 8.033333333


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## Krory (Jun 14, 2014)

Stop kicking ass, Firaea. 

I, personally, think it would be fine to move on. Also with a new contest we can notify Dream so that we can get an advertisement in the Notice board again.

But I'm hardly the only one that should be making this choice.


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## Doctor Lamperouge (Jun 14, 2014)

_I agree, Krory, time for a new contest. 

And yay, I got third. 

Out of five people, though. _


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## Buskuv (Jun 14, 2014)

Pick a topic, make a thread.

When you do I'll let Dream know to do his ONLY JOB.


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## dream (Jun 14, 2014)

My only job?


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## Buskuv (Jun 14, 2014)

Every time.

I have summoned him.


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## Krory (Jun 14, 2014)

_Thanks a lot, Biscuit._


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## Firaea (Jun 14, 2014)

Thanks, everyone!

The next topic shall be *'Outcast'*. Dr. Biscuit and Dream can work their magics.


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## Krory (Jun 14, 2014)

Ooooh, curious.


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## Krory (Jun 14, 2014)

I'll make the thread now and set the end-date for *July 5th*. Gives us an extra week from the last one (so a total of three weeks), so some additional time for the notice to go up and take affect. We extend it if need be.


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## Doctor Lamperouge (Jun 15, 2014)

_Outcast, huh. _


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## Buskuv (Jun 16, 2014)

Alright, which one of you Earth-vexing barnacles changed the word count limit from 501 to 500?

I'll kill you.


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## Krory (Jun 16, 2014)

Wait what?

What are you talking about?

No one did such a thing


----------



## Buskuv (Jun 16, 2014)

You did.

A pox!

A pox on all your houses!


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## Krory (Jun 16, 2014)

You seem to be under the impression that I won't _eat your face_.


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## Doctor Lamperouge (Jun 16, 2014)

_Come on guys, can't we all just compromise. 500.5 words. _


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## Banhammer (Jun 17, 2014)

Outcast eh? What a interesting flow of choices


Heaven -> Monster -> Dream -> Outcast


Anyway, I got mine in.


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## Banhammer (Jun 17, 2014)

Also, I vote we move the limit back to 501 words

The cut was simply criminal, criminal I say



*Spoiler*: _ Notes and explanation on my piece_ 






It depicts a young, magical female at the moment of her defeat from a magical, party heavy, floating cloud castle, when she is literally cast out.
Magic works through strength of mind, and emotion so part of her combat process is the idea of how she goes through four fases of crisis assessment of self, intrinsic value, merit, justice, and extrinsic value, where each epithet is dismantled with an equally disregarding commonplace.

The antagonist is the Them, a small group of people who form a group think self validating form of dicks, who circumstance has given ample power and apparent authority 

The magic battle in itself mirrors the exchange (she hits with all her great will and power, but nothing even registers against the combined might of Group Think. ) , and the system uses the four basic forces of the universe (gravity, electromagnetism, shape (weak force) and nature (strong force) ), which I thought were clear and simple enough while still seeming like an epic exchange of power to enthrall a reader without requiring any explanation

At the end she is cast out from the cloud castle and it's magical community, both literally and metaphorically.


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## Tyrael (Jun 21, 2014)

My piece has been fluctuating between 2-300 words. Will make a big push to finish it tomorrow.


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## Firaea (Jun 21, 2014)

I actually have completely no idea what I want to write for this topic.

...which is ironic since I came up with the topic.


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## Mist Puppet (Jun 22, 2014)

Firaea said:


> I actually have completely no idea what I want to write for this topic.
> 
> ...which is ironic since I came up with the topic.



hmmm, where have i heard this before...



Firaea said:


> No.
> 
> 
> ...ironically, I'm coming up completely blank for this topic even though I chose it and honestly love the concept (which is why I chose it).


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## Firaea (Jun 22, 2014)

Mist Puppet said:


> hmmm, where have i heard this before...



U-Urusai, b-baka!


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## Banhammer (Jun 22, 2014)

There's a million aproaches you can take with the theme "outcast"


You can go basic and write a first person piece over a social outcast about what it feels like, or what it does to him
You can go literal and write about someone who's been cast out of a place, like home or a ship
You can write about someone who's been outcast by circumstance, rather than the action of others
You can flip the perspective and write about someone who casts out another person
You can fast forward it to the future, or to the moment of the casting out, or to the moment where the outcast gains his/her redemption
You can play around with the words and make "outcast" means someone who is outgunned in a battle of casters, or bettered in an audition for a role

Ideas are cheap


----------



## Banhammer (Jun 24, 2014)

This early in the game, I may have to acknowledge already that Tyrael's piece is better than mine, but I don't care, because I worked with things that I wanted with mine, and thus, am still happy

I mean, the idea that spring breaking coeds are lounging by the pool discussing international diplomatic affairs of great and intimate subtlety feels iffy, but other than that, it's really quite solid and with just a few right shavings of creepy.

8,2/10


----------



## Tyrael (Jun 27, 2014)

Come on folks, get yer entries in.


----------



## Firaea (Jun 29, 2014)

The entries seem to be diminishing with each contest.


----------



## Krory (Jun 29, 2014)

Your _face_ seems to be diminishing with each contest.


----------



## Banhammer (Jun 30, 2014)

That means I'll definitely win next round


----------



## Krory (Jul 4, 2014)

Well now I _know_ shit is fucked since Boskov actually entered again.  Scary!


----------



## Garfield (Jul 4, 2014)

Kardashian entered 

I wanna go against Kardashian.

Will this contest last beyond the 8th of this month? Are we still lax about timelines? Or is LD running in New York minute now?


----------



## Firaea (Jul 4, 2014)

I'm squeezing out my entry to the best of my abilities, even though it's going to suck.


----------



## Tyrael (Jul 4, 2014)

Words squeezed out painfully, as if through friction lacerated buttocks?


----------



## Garfield (Jul 4, 2014)

Close this thread, it's OVER; Ty has just literally pwnt it


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 4, 2014)

krory said:


> Well now I _know_ shit is fucked since Boskov actually entered again.  Scary!



What? No.

Mine was bad, but you guys needed entries.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 4, 2014)

OH MY GOD THIS IS STILL A THING


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 4, 2014)

whats the theme right now?


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 4, 2014)

Outcast.

I see. 

fuck the deadline is today


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 4, 2014)

>LD

>deadline


----------



## Krory (Jul 4, 2014)

I'm cool with extending the deadline.

*Boskov, you were supposed to PM Preet. Now he's blaming me for not telling him about this.*


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 4, 2014)

500 words a minute


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 4, 2014)

Bro, YOU made the thread, mang.


----------



## dream (Jul 4, 2014)

Yeah, Krory, you made the thread so it should have been you who PMed me.


----------



## Tyrael (Jul 4, 2014)

Wait.

So who am I meant to be PMing?


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 4, 2014)

me         pls


----------



## Krory (Jul 4, 2014)

Dr. Biscuit Kardashian said:


> Pick a topic, make a thread.
> 
> When you do I'll let Dream know to do his ONLY JOB.





Dr. Biscuit Kardashian said:


> Bro, YOU made the thread, mang.





Dream said:


> Yeah, Krory, you made the thread so it should have been you who PMed me.



Excuse you, bitches?

Maybe if you picked a more _responsible_ mod...


----------



## Firaea (Jul 4, 2014)

Lol at all of you. 

I actually wanted to do the PM-ing but I figured it might be stepping out of line...


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 4, 2014)

All these nerds.


----------



## Banhammer (Jul 5, 2014)

the k-Biscuit  has the best entry by far, but because that comment's about as useful as a vase of pickle water, I'll try and add  the only impression I can see:


While choosing a first person, you might be transiting from a "first person" speech to a "second person" speech a bit too wildly.

Here, let me present to you a scheme


*Spoiler*: __ 





Dr. Biscuit Kardashian said:


> It took me awhile to realize nothing was real.
> 
> Subtle things.  Small things.
> 
> ...







Red represents "Me" speech, moments where the narrator shares his experience, Green represents the "Ambiguous" speech, a blanket style of omniscient narration, and Blue represents the "You" speech, moments where the narrator explains his experience.

The way this approach is used might need a rethinking, but that's my opinion


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 5, 2014)

I can see that; that's a pretty valid criticism.  It's a little confusing.

I wrote it pretty steam-of-conscious late at night, and in the light of day it does seem that it reads just that way.  That may have been my intention at the time, though.  It was pretty late.


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 8, 2014)

So, do you guys wanna end this or not?

I'm fine either way, but we got a few entries pretty quickly.  We have like five now.


----------



## Doctor Lamperouge (Jul 8, 2014)

_Wasn't able to post an entry this time, although I had a few ideas that I tried to start. A combination of writer's block and being extra busy lately, unfortunately. _


----------



## Tyrael (Jul 9, 2014)

Five entries is enough, I think it's def' time we got this closed.


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 9, 2014)

Anyone else have an opinion?

'Cause we can shut this badboy down right now.


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 10, 2014)

So, no objections?

Alright.


----------



## Banhammer (Jul 10, 2014)

Don't feel like writing reaction pieces this time around, so unless anyone requests it here it

Banhammer

Excellent work, truly a master of the written word.

10/10 would read again and send to all my friends.

*Tyrael*
Wonderful prose, but all indicates we're talking about 3 poolside coeds and their boy toy chad, that are talking at length about eastern europe politics.
If felt odd as hell
8,2/10

*B.K.*
Already commented on the most helpful bit.
A couple of hatches away from really disturbing existential timber.
8,7/10
*
Firaea*
Weird adjectives abound. "Painstakingly loyal" for example. I don't know. Felt weird. 
Or lines like "drove aimlessly around town". Feel like that aimlessly should either be moved to the end of the line or cut entirely.
Narrator drives a jeep, but he says "petrol" are also incongruities that might use some thought
7,3/10

*Nightbringer*
Clever piece, and what's interesting, subtle too.
Not many people can go through the day of an autist/severe ADHD like that, and in 500 words no less.
An issue however rises in the dissociation between author and narrator. As an author you have the power to use tools that aren't necessarily accessible to the piece you're trying to speak through, if you're using them to convey your story lines better.
So I say, work on a way to convey your ideas and meanings more by the use of better timed punctuation, or try to experiment with DRASTIC ENERGY SHIFTS SUCH AS ALL CAPS  or mid sentence font shifts.

A special needs kid doesn't think so linearly, so maybe, neither should you

8/10


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 10, 2014)

never really thought about that before 

thanks for the insight.


----------



## Krory (Jul 10, 2014)

For balance I give you all 1/10.


----------



## ~Avant~ (Jul 10, 2014)

My favorite was Firae's (sp)


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 10, 2014)

so I guess I better read these now to contribute


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 10, 2014)

Yes, yes you should.


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 21, 2014)

You mugs need to get on your game.

HamBanner 


*Spoiler*: __ 





I don't think we ever get any sort of action sequences in the FF.  Nice change of pace.

The biggest problem from my perspective is that it flows... too sporadically, through a combination of the way you've structured your sentences and placed--quick, jutting phrases that land with impact each time, but, in my opinion, they don't roll into one anther, as if they almost happen distinctly separate from each other.  I understand the intention of splitting the actions into fast, bite-size snippets in order to emphasize each in a chaotic setting, but it doesn't read as well as it could, for me.

That, and while I'm wholly for the esoteric hook of explaining minor details as if the reader should know (or, ergo, will be learning later on and is excited to do so), trust me, I think you've gone almost too far.  Nothing frustrating, but wriggling in the back of my mind as I'm reading.

Like the system of magic and your atmosphere, though, and it's succinct in its purpose, which is something a lot of authors, professional or not, especially in fantasy, don't really understand.  

*6.5*





That guy from Diablo


*Spoiler*: __ 





If you did what I think you did (and I think you did), bravo.

Maybe you didn't; but I liked it, anyways.

I think there's too much fluff in the latter half, even if the piece feels short for its own intentions--sparse with the dialog.  Fantastic, honestly.  They (largely) do feel like a gaggle of young women talking about geopolitical ignorance and tying that into reality with a very... young adult way of metaphor.  

I liked it a lot.

*9*





Firewater


*Spoiler*: __ 





Love the word choice wholeheartedly (though, you might be alienating a few readers with a handful of those words in an otherwise straightforward piece /peanut gallery), but it also feels a way to doll up narrative which, pun totally intended, putters around town before finally slowly crunching to a halt on a dirt road.  

I think you've got a good sense of pacing and direction; you've got grand word choice and a sense for description, but, for someone as deft with an obscure English pallet, there's just far too much telling rather than showing.  You could really put that sense of depth to the narrative, rather than just the stuff the narrative passes through.

It may not have been the case or the intention, but theme also feels nebulous here.

*7*





QuietStinker


*Spoiler*: __ 





Utterly unique; I'm with HamBanner on this one.  

The biggest problem writing something so unique and atypical is that the fine line between purposefully and eloquently exemplifying a unique, unusual approach and view of the world, but still making it sympathetic and readable, and coming off as too confusing or unusual for the average reader is a fairly fine line.   It's also incredibly hard, so its admirable nonetheless.  

It might take some editing, but I think you've got gold there.  

Also just make sure, even with a stream-of-consciousness paragraph or narrative, that you keep your sentences as flush and succinct as possible, otherwise you'll lose your reader trying to figure out what's happening--not because it's a great depiction of such a way of thinking, but because your sentences are awkward or confusing.

*7.5*


----------



## Krory (Jul 21, 2014)

You know shit is getting desperate when Boskov is entering _and_ rating.


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 21, 2014)

The struggle is real.


----------



## Firaea (Jul 21, 2014)

Thank you very much for the ratings, Banhammer and Mr. Biscuit! I'll try to give a rating too, but I've been completely out of it.


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Jul 22, 2014)

I desire to write something for the peer reviewing.  When is the next flash fiction?

Do you need me to review and give back to the community?


----------



## Banhammer (Jul 22, 2014)

at the pace this one is going, I wager sometime February 30th


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 22, 2014)

The next FF will be some time after we finish the current one; so, whenever we have enough people reviewing to have a decent ratings pool.

It's not required for people who enter to rate, but it's heavily implied that you should, because the peer review is important to the FF--an unwritten rule, if you will.  It's just good etiquette.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 23, 2014)

fug

people need to remind me to do things.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 23, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _Ban_ 



6.5/10.

I'm a fan of the way this is written, I enjoy the kind of vague yet specific writing style you're employing here a lot, in fact I think I write like this in a lot of my own writing as well, but this isn't about me.

This is functional as a piece of writing, however what holds it back in my opinion is the fact that I feel it could be a lot more interesting with more backstory, a follow up, just more really. Technically this isn't your fault, the piece works but I think there's a certain skill to writing something as a snap of something larger which maybe isn't present here to the extent the piece requires.

@general word play

"like so much sugarcubes"

I can't into expressions like this and grammar, so I'm not quite sure if this should read like so many sugarcubes or not. It's about the only thing that really stood out to me.





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 



7/10

As usual this is mechanically competent. 

If boskov hadn't tipped me off I feel like I probably would have missed what you did here a little bit, in fact I don't even know if I'm actually right about it. I feel like such a pleb.

Still if you did what I think you did then yeah good job /boskov

On the other hand although I can see what you were doing here the idea didn't really entertain *me *that much? I dunno.

I did notice like one line that threw me a little bit 

"Is Bosnia with Herzegovina or Bosnia featuring Herzegovina, and most of the time it?s just Bosnia."

Maybe that should read it's or something, I dunno.





*Spoiler*: _Boskov_ 



7.5/10

legit mindfucked by this

not in the right state of mind to wrap my head around it fully atm.

Still I like the idea and nothing jumps out at me as weirdly or incorrectly written so yeah.





*Spoiler*: _Firaea_ 



6/10

I'm gonna harp a lot on your word choices here but it's only because I love you. :33

"There were numerous caf?s abuzz with the badinage of people indulgent in the seemingly worriless aromas of teas and coffees."

Something about this sentence just rubs me wrong, it feels awkward for some reason. Might be just me

"On the other side of the spectrum"

Not technically incorrect but spectrums usually have ends.

"inexplicably profound sense of grief"

The way this is written implies the profoundness of the grief was inexplicable, whereas I feel like you mean the grief itself was inexplicable.

"the skies had become lit ablaze by the crimson red of sundown."

the become in this sentence is awkwards imo

"If by some misfortune death had found me at this moment, I wouldn?t have minded much."

This sentence would be more powerful if that much wasn't there.

Overall it feels somewhat rushed, probably a result of going from one thing to another so fast, which is a symptom of showing not telling.

feels odd to be saying this considering I do/used to do the same thing.






*Spoiler*: _Moi_ 



10/10

jesus christ did a mortal even write this?

especially that 2nd (3rd?) paragraph.

blew me away




wow I am so self centred


----------



## Banhammer (Jul 23, 2014)

I accept all criticism with no excuses. Most of the arguments that could be interperted as "against" it, are exactly my intentions, so even though my scores are pretty low, I'm still pretty happy with what I accomplished


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 23, 2014)

Awesome; glad to have more!

Hopefully we can get a few more reviews in before we move along.


----------



## Fujita (Jul 23, 2014)

Given that I can apparently rate without coughing up my own entry 


*Spoiler*: _Banhammer_ 



Really like the magic system, and how it ties in with the theme. The execution was solid, but I don?t feel like it ever delivered on the premise. 

It starts out great


> When they finally met Theresa, at the edge of the Cobbled Clouds, night went long and the party quiet.
> 
> And she did not look away.
> 
> They would make her fight. They had to. So that They could they paint themselves as fair, after.


Introduces place, gives you the sense of the end of a long chase, and it?s just gripping. You had me at the second sentence. There are moments like this in other places.

Then, I think, you put too much effort into describing the magic, with details that only worked sometimes; ?a shining star throwing the spears of God from her hands? was overly dramatic, for example, and still doesn?t approach the impact of ?And she did not look away? even though that?s such a simple sentence. 

I would almost have preferred them doing something simple like jousting back and forth with the same spell, and then having more focus on the emotional side of things, because apart from some light/darkness contrast, most of the magic didn?t feel like it supported the dialogue. Those kinds of details make fight scenes in longer pieces more interesting, but here they sucked up words and messed with the overall tone. 

The dialogue on its own merits, though, was a good back and forth with some pretty emotional stuff in there. 

Stylistically? I disliked the constant breaks, mainly because they work so well for emphasis (like in your intro), and you lose that when you emphasize everything. 

*6/10*





*Spoiler*: _Tyrael_ 



Well, the idea is absolutely great. It says a lot on a few different levels with a simple, if unusual, scenario. I don?t think it was an idea that worked in 500 words. 

Starts out well enough, gave me a lot of stuff with a sparsely written intro, and it felt pretty realistic. Then it felt to me like you sort of jettisoned most of that in favor of cramming in the rest of it in before you hit the word limit. 

I?m not saying that you needed to keep the tone constant (kind of the opposite, I guess) or that you needed to stick in filler details, but? well, we have details on the water, but the dialogue goes into a near monologue before we hit a resolution that didn?t mean much to me. Whatever dynamic between your characters that you hinted at in the end wasn?t developed enough to have the impact it could have (or its development was pushing the bounds of what a reader should have to extrapolate, in my in opinion). 

Your writing is nearly impeccable, and I like the voice in the story about the two kings. 

*7/10*





*Spoiler*: _Dr. Biscuit Kardashian_ 



Wow. That?s? paranoia-inducing, all right. Interesting concept, good writing, and it?s seriously creepy. 

While the narrator?s train of thought works, and you never repeated yourself (I think) except to keep building it, chunks of it seemed more appealing as a kind of neat thought experiment than anything else. It didn?t have the impact for me that this bit does


> The woman at the grocery kiosk, her convincing and, yet, too convincing smile, her predictable, accommodating dialog. She would never repeat the same lines of dialog after exhausting a limited pool. Oh no. A complex string of newer phrases would constantly evolve to adapt to your questions and actions, but you know somewhere that it's not really happening.


Watching the narrator reason him/herself through why none of this was real was a lot more chilling than the passages where he/she refers to the world as a prison, necessary as those are. Well? except for maybe the last sentence. 

*8.5/10*





*Spoiler*: _Firaea_ 



There were quite a few things I genuinely liked in this story, but it seemed like most of the time you ended up sticking them together with things I felt didn?t work that well. Like


> I decided to take the old family jeep out for a drive. The engines coughed languidly as they started up, but the old pal remained painstakingly loyal to its duty.


I can buy the narrator?s tone, and it?s a good one for your story. There?s a nice feeling of familiarity here, but the wording is a bit awkward. ?Languid? actually works here, though it sort of forced me to stop there to think about how it did. 

The image of the narrator looking in at all the people is cool, but the descriptions are a tad wordy. ?the badinage of people indulgent in the seemingly worriless aromas of teas and coffees? says a lot, but it?s almost too much, given how simply you set the narrator?s tone. 

When you say, ?it left me with an inexplicably profound sense of grief,? the narrator might be feeling it but I?m certainly not. You have all these theoretically lovely scenes, with the guy/gal driving out of town, parking the car, walking out into the grasslands, where you can show isolation and grief. Saying it doesn?t do anything for me.  

The idea and all the descriptive details that were consistent with the casual tone you start out with were well done. The strange wordings and the bits where you seemed overeager to describe the narrator?s sadness directly didn?t do much for me. 

*6/10*





*Spoiler*: _Nightbringer_ 



Going to be honest, I read the first paragraph and was really worried. 

Then I kept going and it really won me over. 

The narration is exaggerated, and I think maybe you were lucky in picking a story where you could throw in kind of random details and make it stick (going off of your "what the fuck did I just write" thing ), but? it really does stick. It?s funny because you said it yourself, but the part I liked best _was_ in the third paragraph, the bit where your narrator starts trying to speak a foreign language. 

I?m not entirely sure what this story said in the end, but over-the-top as it was, the narration just carried me the whole way through with nothing bad that I can really put my finger on. It was fun to read.  

*7.7/10*


----------



## Firaea (Jul 23, 2014)

Thanks for the ratings, Nightbringer and Fujita! I don't deny, I kinda rushed my piece out just so I could have an entry.


----------



## Tyrael (Jul 23, 2014)

Will review tomorrow, been really goddamn slow about this.


----------



## Firaea (Jul 23, 2014)

*Banhammer:*


*Spoiler*: __ 



The idea itself has merit, but there're a lot of issues with the usage of punctuation here - excessive commas, lack of periods, etc - which impede the effectiveness of the piece. My main gripe with this piece is its structure. The fragmented paragraphing somehow makes the scene feel rather disjointed to me, and this in turn makes the piece come across as rather feeble. Proper organisation of the structure - like varying the paragraphing - would give it more emphasis where it is due and give the piece the needed power, IMO. 

*5.5/10*




*Tyrael:*


*Spoiler*: __ 



Solid writing all around; very solid dialogue too that flowed entirely naturally. It's a very original and fairly interesting idea that you chose to use to elaborate on the topic, and I must say you've pulled it off very well. My only real gripe with the piece is that it doesn't seem to imply - though I may be wrong - any greater pertinence. It's a very well-written scene that plays out highly realistically and I can easily imagine the scene actually happening before me, but it seems to lack a certain weight that would further distinguish it from others (this criticism stems purely from personal appreciation, admittedly, since I tend to enjoy writings with weighty emotions, so take this with a pinch of salt). Very good piece as usual, nevertheless.

*7.5/10*




*Dr. Biscuit Kardashian:*


*Spoiler*: __ 



The only conclusion I can make here is that our section moderator Mr. Biscuit is a closet genius. To begin with, the idea of using solipsism in this piece is extremely unique, and your language brought it to life fantastically in a way that not many can easily achieve. It's a difficult concept to use, but you've managed it exquisitely. This piece is necessarily mind-numbing and plays with the idea of belief and disbelief very nicely. On one hand, it's tinged with a little bit of insanity because the entire concept of solipsism is rather out-of-this-world, but at the same time it infuses so much logic and power into it that I can't help but waver in my convictions. All in all, a really good piece.

*8/10*




*Firaea*


*Spoiler*: __ 



I'm ashamed that I wrote this. Then again, I'm ashamed of all my writings.

*0/10* 




*Nightbringer*


*Spoiler*: __ 



I thought this piece was weird at first, but the weirdness works perfectly within its concept. Great writing overall, and it's quite interesting to see a piece that works by using haphazardness (much like Tyrael's entry for the previous contest) though it's well-controlled enough for the piece to not come across as overtly obfuscating. Nevertheless, there're a few weird sentences here and there that might need some work. The only problem I have stems again from personal appreciation (as is the case with Tyrael's entry) so take it with a pinch of salt. The writing is definitely praiseworthy, and this is good piece overall.

*7.5/10*


----------



## Firaea (Jul 23, 2014)

*Banhammer:*
6.5 / 6.5 / 6 / 5.5
*Overall: 6.125*


*Tyrael:*
8.2 / 9 / 7 / 7 / 7.5
*Overall: 7.74*


*Dr. Biscuit Kardashian:*
8.7 / 7.5 / 8.5 / 8
*Overall: 8.175*


*Firaea:*
7.3 / 7 / 6 / 6
*Overall: 6.575*


*Nightbringer:*
8 / 7.5 / 7.7 / 7.5
*Overall: 7.675*

We can probably wrap this up soon, perhaps after Tyrael gives his ratings. :33


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 24, 2014)

>third

close enough


----------



## Tyrael (Jul 24, 2014)

*Spoiler*: _Banhammer_ 



I don?t understand a lot of the creative choices that have went into this. At times the language does make the piece feel appropriately airy and grand, both of which mesh very nicely with the unfolding scene. The grammatical and paragraphing tricks you pull here serve to get in the way of the story, block up the narrative and make everything less of a pleasant read. Fundamentally I think I like the story you?re trying to tell, but the way you tell it messes with it badly.

*5*





*Spoiler*: _Dr. BK_ 



This piece feels like it wants to be about something ? like it wants to feel its way in the dark towards some central concept or theme. Alas, it never really seems to get there. There are lots of disparate thoughts and an angst that tries to underpin it all (perhaps the concept that the world we live is intrinsically fake because of how constructed it is by social and cultural ideas?) but I don?t feel like it ever really rises beyond being disparate thoughts. It never seems to reach any coherent conclusion that makes the narrator?s journey have a punch to it, or anything that lends weight to the abstract intellectual suffering that you try to convey, and as such comes across a bit overwrought really. It?s hurt too by the fact that you concentrate so heavily on the fact that there is suffering happening, rather than why the suffering is happening, the self-consciousness is slightly off-putting.

Your prose is smooth and at times unusual, but like the rest of the piece it lacks something to really latch onto and burst into life with.

*6*





*Spoiler*: _Firea_ 



At junctions in this piece it felt like the adjectives were draining details from the story, rather than adding them in ? the descriptions were often a descriptor too much, and often the surroundings seemed to remain abstract no matter how much you tried to describe them. Your protagonist?s sense of distance from them made it difficult to really feel like they were all that substantial. This piece was at its strongest when you were describing the sensations of the setting.

There?s really not much to this ? it?s a kind of meander through the surroundings. Not necessarily a bad idea, but you fail to have anything underpinning this beyond a vague throughline of existential angst.

At the end you attempt to give a little bit of context, but it is at the same time too much and nowhere close to enough. We never get a real reason to care, and as such whatever things have happened to the protagonist don?t seem real without details.

*6*





*Spoiler*: _Nightbringer_ 



There?s a strong but off-kilter rhythm to it all, like the ticking of a coked up clock. I liked the confusion of senses you captured and the narrative voice that underpinned it all ? any sense of suffering was implied and what exactly was wrong with the protagonist was equally subtle. It presents some strong images and some interesting ideas, and even feels like a complete narrative. Really liked this one.

*9*


----------



## Firaea (Jul 24, 2014)

*Banhammer:*
6.5 / 6.5 / 6 / 5.5 / 5
*Overall: 5.9*


*Tyrael:*
8.2 / 9 / 7 / 7 / 7.5
*Overall: 7.74*


*Dr. Biscuit Kardashian:*
8.7 / 7.5 / 8.5 / 8 / 6
*Overall: 7.74*


*Firaea:*
7.3 / 7 / 6 / 6 / 6
*Overall: 6.46*


*Nightbringer:*
8 / 7.5 / 7.7 / 7.5 / 9
*Overall: 7.94*


Nightbringer wins this contest with an overall score of 7.94.
Tyrael & Dr. Biscuit Kardashian are tied for second with overall scores of 7.74.

If no one objects, we can close this contest and have Nightbringer come up with the next topic. :33


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 24, 2014)

wat             .


----------



## Banhammer (Jul 24, 2014)

Hark, some of the latter criticism really nailed me 


I think I know what to do to produce more next time


----------



## Krory (Jul 24, 2014)

>Nightbringer wins

*Holy fuck*


----------



## Firaea (Jul 24, 2014)

Nightbringer said:


> wat             .



That's a very... minimalist topic.


----------



## Krory (Jul 24, 2014)

I told that skank ho to enter numerous times before and she's all no no I suck and now look...

*Look, Nighty. What do you have to say for yourself now?!*


----------



## Fujita (Jul 24, 2014)

Congrats, Darth  

Risen from the ashes of your fanfic days


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 25, 2014)

So I get to pick the next topic?


----------



## Krory (Jul 25, 2014)

*Pick a fabulous topic.

In fact, make the topic "Fabulous."*


----------



## The Pirate on Wheels (Jul 25, 2014)

Nightbringer said:


> So I get to pick the next topic?



You are bringing the night.


----------



## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 25, 2014)

next topic:

The Smoking Gun

y/n?


----------



## Banhammer (Jul 25, 2014)

Trouser Snake


----------



## Buskuv (Jul 25, 2014)

The choice is up to you!

...the smoking gun seems almost cliche.


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## Banhammer (Jul 25, 2014)

The Dragon

Hoard

Gravity

Wishing Well

Collision

Bankrupt

underwear

The Big City

The Swamp

Witch

Fanfic

Sodomy

The list is long


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## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 25, 2014)

I don't want to pick something you won't like though 

Gravity sounds good.

I think I'll go with that.


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## Banhammer (Jul 25, 2014)

this was just random things atop of my head

None of the above is quite good


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## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 25, 2014)

fuck you its gravity


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## Banhammer (Jul 25, 2014)

Variatons on gravity:

Gravity

Gravity Well

Gravitas

Atraction

Presence

Cosmic

Black Hole

Space

Blackness

Falling

Free Falling

Acellerating

Crashing

Dropping

Maddening

Pulling 

Pushing


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## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 26, 2014)

actually wait

Variations 

sounds good.


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## The Pirate on Wheels (Jul 26, 2014)

Nightbringer said:


> next topic:
> 
> The Smoking Gun
> 
> y/n?



I would have written about a gun smoking a cigarette.


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## Banhammer (Jul 26, 2014)

I would have writen about a gun that sells smoaked meat


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## Mist Puppet (Jul 26, 2014)

the variations of smoking gravity guns


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## Krory (Jul 26, 2014)

I would have written a literal example using the terminology of "the smoking gun" as it is currently used in media in reference to some form of damning evidence just to counteract all you hipsters.


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## Buskuv (Jul 26, 2014)

>not just using a literal smoking gun as your centerpiece

Look at this contrarian.


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## Krory (Jul 26, 2014)

You know what?

Lick my taint.


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## Nighty the Mighty (Jul 26, 2014)

oh god

too much pressure

someone pick something already


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## Linkofone (Jul 27, 2014)

Someone should pick space.


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## Buskuv (Jul 28, 2014)

I swear to god you'd better have a theme before we get a new FF Rating Thread.


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## Banhammer (Jul 28, 2014)

Can't the theme be Banhammer Science?


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## Krory (Jul 28, 2014)

Hurry up, Nighty.


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## Reznor (Jul 28, 2014)

This thread is now closed it has a continuation thread *Here*


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