# You vs Brock Lesnar and Lyoto Machida



## Hagen (Sep 17, 2009)

The UFC light heavyweight and heavyweight champions are REALLY pissed off with you for a reason and they want to beat you to a bloody pulp










You thought you'd be safe from them if you moved to a new house, but dammit, somehow they already know where you live!

your cellphone rings and all you hear is death threats from them! 

omfg, they are already in your lawn, you see them through the window! the door is all that separates them from you. and they are already slamming it! There's no back door, so you cant escape.


You know you're in trouble 

they are unarmed. if only you had buy ammo for that empty gun you have in your desk, if only.. T_T

The door is almost falling, they're gonna break in at any moment!

you look around desperately for a weapon and this is all you see




wooden baseball bat



icepick



monkey wrench




bananas



spiderman paperweight




Broom



Nunchakus


*You can pick more than one weapon*


- What are your chances of survival against Brock Lesnar alone?

- What are your chances against Lyoto "The Dragon" Machida alone?

- What are your chances against both at the same time?


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## CrazyMoronX (Sep 17, 2009)

Against Brock I'd have a stabber's chance.

Against Machida he'd be too elusive for me to stab and I'd die.

Against both at the same time I'd die even MORE.


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## Emperor Joker (Sep 17, 2009)

I could reasonably take out Brock alone I guess, but together with the other guy i'm screwed.


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## CrazyMoronX (Sep 17, 2009)

Your only hope is that you stop him with the first stab of the ice pick or swing of the bat. Otherwise he takes you down and eats you.


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## Shock Therapy (Sep 17, 2009)

i eat the banana and throw the peel near the entrance of the door. they come in, slip and fall on their head and go unconscious. i run away.


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## The810kid (Sep 17, 2009)

All I do for Lesnar is remind him of his failed attempt to tryout for the NFLand Machida I take my chances and get my ass whooped


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## kumabear (Sep 17, 2009)

I throw the spiderman paperweight at Lesnar as soon as he comes in and stab him somewhere with the Ice Pick. Lyoto's probably faster than I could ever dream of being so i'll probably end up running away and throwing the bananas at his face. When the bananas landed on his face octopus style i'd run and hit him in the balls with the monkey wrench, popping them. By now Lesnar's back and ready to rip my head off so i'd poke him in the face with the Broom so he'd have to grab it and nunchuk his balls to cracked eggs when he did.

ok.


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## Grandmaster Kane (Sep 17, 2009)

I could take out brock with the pick

And I should be able to talk machida out of it. Or at least stall till I can get a better weapon or maneuver him into a bad spot 

Both at the same time I would flee till I found a gun


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## masamune1 (Sep 17, 2009)

The hell I would move house. If those two threatened me like this I'd have put an end to them long ago. If I moved house it was to give them a chance to simply walk away for their own sake.

But if these two are so intent on writing an ode to their own doom, then so be it. I will destroy the two of them for their foolishness with little effort. At least one of them will probably lose the ability to have children when I am done. Or use the bathroom.


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## Shock Therapy (Sep 17, 2009)

masamune1 said:


> The hell I would move house. If those two threatened me like this I'd have put an end to them long ago. If I moved house it was to give them a chance to simply walk away for their own sake.
> 
> But if these two are so intent on writing an ode to their own doom, then so be it. I will destroy the two of them for their foolishness with little effort. At least one of them will probably lose the ability to have children when I am done. Or use the bathroom.



exactly what will you do with the weapons provided?


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## Agmaster (Sep 17, 2009)

I'll run away to a new house and set it up home alone style.  Take the temp BFR loss for prep in round 3.


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## Dante10 (Sep 17, 2009)

The810kid said:


> All I do for _*Lesnar is remind him of his failed attempt to tryout for the NFL*_and Machida I take my chances and get my ass whooped




Dude he's still pissed about that. It eats his soul......


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## Gnome (Sep 17, 2009)

Throw a banana at them to distract them then kick Machida in the balls to put him out of commission for a few seconds then Stab Lesner in the head with the ice pick and hammer it in with the spider man paper weight. while Machida is still bent over, i pick up the baseball bat and repeatedly hit him in the back of the head and then sit on his back and try to choke him to death with the Nunchakus.


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## Comic Book Guy (Sep 17, 2009)

I'm a fucking beaten pulp.


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## Dante10 (Sep 17, 2009)

That icepick would be used heavily on Lensar, I'd be going for his neck and eyes. Machida is gonna backpedal, and kick the shit outta me.


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## Havoc (Sep 17, 2009)

I'd triangle choke Lesnar while I guillotine Machida.


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## Hagen (Sep 17, 2009)

The810kid said:


> All I do for Lesnar is remind him of his failed attempt to tryout for the NFL


do you actually want to make him angrier? 




masamune1 said:


> The hell I would move house. If those two threatened me like this I'd have put an end to them long ago. If I moved house it was to give them a chance to simply walk away for their own sake.


the house moving thing was so i could give everyone the same scenario. 

I dont know what kind of houses the ppl here has, so this way we avoid people using their electric fences or guard dogs to save their butts 



Gnome on Fire said:


> Throw a banana at them to distract them then kick Machida in the balls to put him out of commission for a few seconds then Stab Lesner in the head with the ice pick and hammer it in with the spider man paper weight. while Machida is still bent over, i pick up the baseball bat and repeatedly hit him in the back of the head and then sit on his back and try to choke him to death with the Nunchakus.


Nice strategy, but you better be a master kicker at Mirko's level so it could work, because kicking Machida in the balls wont be an easy feat to do, even with the banana involved



CrazyMoronX said:


> Your only hope is that you stop him with the first stab of the ice pick or swing of the bat. Otherwise he takes you down and eats you.


same goes for Machida, i bet  he's acostumed to break bats with his bare hands like a good karateka



Havoc said:


> I'd triangle choke Lesnar while I guillotine Machida.


is that even physically possible?


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## Platinum (Sep 18, 2009)

Dante10 said:


> Dude he's still pissed about that. It eats his soul......



Psychological Warfare... I like it .

Odds are that I probably get my ass kicked in both scenarios.


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## Pimp of Pimps (Sep 18, 2009)

*Machida takes it alone. *


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## Havoc (Sep 18, 2009)

Locard said:


> is that even physically possible?



Yes.

Why wouldn't it be?


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## Hagen (Sep 18, 2009)

Havoc said:


> Yes.
> 
> Why wouldn't it be?


because you need both hands to apply guillotine choke alone


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## Dante10 (Sep 18, 2009)

Locard said:


> because you need both hands to apply guillotine choke alone



I've seen some one arm variations.


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## Michael Myers (Sep 18, 2009)

Ooooohhhhhh, well...


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## CrazyMoronX (Sep 18, 2009)

Locard said:


> because you need both hands to apply guillotine choke alone


You only need your legs to do a triangle. Just sink that in first then slap on the guillotine. These guys are pushovers, anyway.


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## Gunners (Sep 18, 2009)

Both on their own I could take. I'd go solid snake on them.

Together it would depend on whether they stick together or not. If they search the house together then I'd only be able to sneak one of them the other would brutalise me. If they split then same as the above paragraph.


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## noobthemusical (Sep 18, 2009)

Pussy's how can any of you guys lose seriously you have an empty gun they somehow know it's empty???

Also you can see them through the window jump out the window buy some bullets and come back and kill.
and yes I actually have survived a fall from a my houses second floor without breaking anything. (no seriously)
I also assume the ground is made of soft soil.


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## The810kid (Sep 18, 2009)

noobthemusical said:


> Pussy's how can any of you guys lose seriously you have an empty gun they somehow know it's empty???
> 
> Also you can see them through the window jump out the window buy some bullets and come back and kill.
> and yes I actually have survived a fall from a my houses second floor without breaking anything. (no seriously)
> I also assume the ground is made of soft soil.



We get an unloaded gun didn't pay attention to all of the opening well with that I give an oscar winning performance with the gun.


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## CrazyMoronX (Sep 18, 2009)

They're bloodlusted, acting will not work. They'll charge you.


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## Genyosai (Sep 18, 2009)

In both of the single combat scenarios I can easily win via use of the ice pick. If you think this is internet boasting, just realize that it is next to impossible to stop someone from stabbing if they want to stab you (don't listen to people who do knife defense classes). Simple fact and ultimate factor is that human reaction times do not approach the speed with which we can strike out at an opponent. Even bobbing and weaving in boxing is just a statistical strategy not a precise dodging of blows like you see in Kung Fu movies. Attacks can be dodged via anticipatory cues or hesitation, so the key is to leave as little as possible. The key to this is killer instinct.

Long story short, I can stab someone (anyone) in the eyes with an ice pick a lot quicker than they can even think about stopping me, and that is the end of the fight. Since the reverse is true, it's possible I will simply be insta-KO'd, but a punch is always way less effective than a blade or stabbing weapon, so my chances are still probably higher than 50%, whereas unarmed they are very very grim indeed.

Still, this all predicates upon "killer instinct". Would I want to go as far to stab someone and commit GBH? but maybe that question goes out the window when a human monster is coming to tear you limb from limb.

In the scenario with the two of them, even if I stab one the other can get me, but are they _so_ bloodlusted that seeing someone have their eye stabbed out won't stop them?


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## The810kid (Sep 18, 2009)

CrazyMoronX said:


> They're bloodlusted, acting will not work. They'll charge you.



well I guess I'll act like Barry Bonds and crack their skulls with the baseball bat.


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## CrazyMoronX (Sep 18, 2009)

Genyosai said:


> In both of the single combat scenarios I can easily win via use of the ice pick. If you think this is internet boasting, just realize that it is next to impossible to stop someone from stabbing if they want to stab you (don't listen to people who do knife defense classes). Simple fact and ultimate factor is that human reaction times do not approach the speed with which we can strike out at an opponent. Even bobbing and weaving in boxing is just a statistical strategy not a precise dodging of blows like you see in Kung Fu movies. Attacks can be dodged via anticipatory cues or hesitation, so the key is to leave as little as possible. The key to this is killer instinct.
> 
> Long story short, I can stab someone (anyone) in the eyes with an ice pick a lot quicker than they can even think about stopping me, and that is the end of the fight. Since the reverse is true, it's possible I will simply be insta-KO'd, but a punch is always way less effective than a blade or stabbing weapon, so my chances are still probably higher than 50%, whereas unarmed they are very very grim indeed.
> 
> ...


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## Guns N Gravy (Sep 18, 2009)

I wouldn't stand a chance lmfao I saw Brock Lesnar punch a guy my size in the face and make him do a back flip. Fuck that.


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## zabuzaXxrevenge (Sep 18, 2009)

up that i would not survive one blow from either lesner or machida would knock me out


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## Watchman (Sep 18, 2009)

I'd end up a broken mess on the floor.


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## Tendou Souji (Sep 18, 2009)

I wouldn't wanna be me. I lose horribly.


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## Hagen (Sep 18, 2009)

Dante10 said:


> I've seen some one arm variations.


then its not guillotine choke. hands would require to be clasped in the end



noobthemusical said:


> Pussy's how can any of you guys lose seriously you have an empty gun they somehow know it's empty???
> 
> Also you can see them through the window jump out the window buy some bullets and come back and kill.
> and yes I actually have survived a fall from a my houses second floor without breaking anything. (no seriously)
> I also assume the ground is made of soft soil.


the house we're using here has only 1 floor. but you cant jump throw the window, its grilled 

not bad, the bald guy seems to be moving in slow motion compared to Machida

but pretty sure the average obdmer > average UFC fighter in terms of speed anyway 




Havoc said:


> Ok?


you need your hands to set up the triangle, and for some reason i dont see both moves working together anyway


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## Yusuke5678 (Sep 18, 2009)

i am 16 and i can bench press around 95 kg with also be good in sports,for now i lose,but in 4 years no


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## Genyosai (Sep 18, 2009)

From the positioning of the attacking guys feet, I'm guessing that there was a lot of impulse to the movement prior to that GIF allowing the extra miliseconds for the defender to react. In other words, you're showing a slice of time without the cues before hand. Fighters rely on these cues to react, and that punch was hardly a quick jab, as well as the correspondingly long distance it would have had to cover.

I have not heard of anyone having reaction times below 0.1 seconds. Even the total processing in the eye can take 50 miliseconds. Anything below 0.1 seconds is considered a false start in sprinting. Most people on earth, even martial artists have reaction times somewhere over this. 0.12 would be a good time for an athlete, and 0.215 is considered average as measured by an internet test database.

However, human arms can be struck out at 25mph+ (and 30mph+ for boxers and the like). Over 0.6 meter jab distance, you can hit a target in times as little as a 15-22th of a second.


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## CrazyMoronX (Sep 18, 2009)

Yeah, but how much ya bench?


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## Densoro (Sep 18, 2009)

Panic said:


> I wouldn't stand a chance lmfao I saw Brock Lesnar punch a guy my size in the face and make him do a back flip. Fuck that.



oshit really? o__o I'm 6'0, 125 lbs. It'd be like Sudden Death mode in Smash Bros XD I'd get spiked in that case, weapons wouldn't matter. He gets a scratch, I get BFR'd. Oh, and lose every bone in my body.

This backflip vid on YouTube anywhere?


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## Genyosai (Sep 18, 2009)

CrazyMoronX said:


> Yeah, but how much ya bench?



Never tried. I can overhead lift 47 kilos. That's not impressive at all, but I don't need strength here. I'm pretty sure I have at least a 50% chance of taking Brock Lesnar's eye out with an ice pick and ending things there and then. 

In actual hand to hand combat, more like 0.00000000000000000000000000001% chance of winning.


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## CrazyMoronX (Sep 18, 2009)

You're assuming you can stab them before they can punch or kick you, which is a poor assumption--especially with the kicking. Brock is questionable, but he's very fast for a heavy, and he'll be shooting in, lowering his head, and going for the double-leg. You'd miss and nick his skull. Then die.

Machida is a fast striker and would beat you to the draw every time.

What you fail to take into consideration is that Machida especially knows how to keep his distance, and keep you at bay with jabs and kicks. You'd never get into range to stab him.


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## Teach (Sep 18, 2009)

Do I get Fedor aswell?


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## Rated R Superstar (Sep 18, 2009)

I have Anderson Silva and Fedor Emelianenko's numbers in my phone, on speed dial...Lesnar and Machida better think twice.


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## CrazyMoronX (Sep 18, 2009)

Seeing as how Fedor lives in Russia you better hope he has Flash speed.


Luckily for you, he does.


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## Rated R Superstar (Sep 18, 2009)

CrazyMoronX said:


> Seeing as how Fedor lives in Russia you better hope he has Flash speed.
> 
> 
> Luckily for you, he does.



Someone once told me that Fedor was the one who taught Goku Instant Transmission.


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## Dante10 (Sep 18, 2009)

No one in this thread is ever gonna touch Machida.


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## Genyosai (Sep 18, 2009)

> You're assuming you can stab them before they can punch or kick you, which is a poor assumption



I didn't make that assumption. The fact that they can KO punch me is included, hence my estimate not being 100%. 




> You'd never get into range



This makes the assumption that they will be aware of my plan of attack. Really this is a bloodlusted UFC champion bursting through the door at what should amount to nothing. He isn't going to be thinking "Damn. A fucking ice pick! Better keep my distance", because I wouldn't be standing there for seconds brandishing it and waving it around. There's a good probability he's going to be full out attack from the get go of breaking in (he _is_ bloodlusted), and if he tries to tackle my knees, then he'll find an ice pick in his skull as we go down. Or worse, in his neck.

I can always wait across from the door that he's banging on and going to burst through, and use his momentary momentum from crashing through to stab him too.

Nothing else is gonna cut it anyway. A wrench or bat might be good against a pure striker, but stabbing/bladed weapons are much more versatile, so the ice pick is the best choice under in this bad situation.


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## Hagen (Sep 18, 2009)

CrazyMoronX said:


> You're assuming you can stab them before they can punch or kick you, which is a poor assumption--especially with the kicking. Brock is questionable, but he's very fast for a heavy, and he'll be shooting in, lowering his head, and going for the double-leg. You'd miss and nick his skull. Then die.


another thing to consider is that Lesnar surely has a much bigger striking range than most ppl here (unless the OBD is populated by behemoths), chances are he could very well punch/kick you before you could even get close enough to use the ice pick properly





Rated R Superstar said:


> I have Anderson Silva and Fedor Emelianenko's numbers in my phone, on speed dial...Lesnar and Machida better think twice.


You think you'll convince Fedor to fight Lesnar? 

good luck there, where Dana White and a crapload of money failed


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## Genyosai (Sep 18, 2009)

> another thing to consider is that Lesnar surely has a much bigger striking range than most ppl here (unless the OBD is populated by behemoths), chances are he could very well punch/kick you before you could even get close enough to use the ice pick properly



Maybe you could use the bat to get around this, but that's a good point.


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## Pimp of Pimps (Sep 18, 2009)

*Like I said before, Machida takes it alone.

No matter what the hell you have in your possession. You're gonna have to be a world class (or near) something to take him on. 
*


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## Tsukasa009 (Sep 18, 2009)

Maybe, MAYYYYYBE with the baseball bat (higher chance if it was made of metal) but really i see no way out of this, i'm fucking screwed lol


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## Pimp of Pimps (Sep 18, 2009)

*You know, I once pissed this kid of and he hit me in the back of the head with a baseball bat. I didn't feel it, but he sure learned his leson.

It'd be kinda like that. *


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## Rated R Superstar (Sep 19, 2009)

Locard said:


> another thing to consider is that Lesnar surely has a much bigger striking range than most ppl here (unless the OBD is populated by behemoths), chances are he could very well punch/kick you before you could even get close enough to use the ice pick properly
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Me and Fedor go way back...


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## Dante10 (Sep 19, 2009)

Pimp of Pimps said:


> *You know, I once pissed this kid of and he hit me in the back of the head with a baseball bat. I didn't feel it, but he sure learned his leson.
> 
> It'd be kinda like that. *



How old was this "kid"? He must hit pretty soft for you to be still standing afterwords.


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## Pimp of Pimps (Sep 19, 2009)

Dante10 said:


> How old was this "kid"? He must hit pretty soft for you to be still standing afterwords.



*We were both probably around age 10 or so. 

I'm not trying to say he hit me hard or anything, just that a bat probably isn't gonna help you against Machida, 
*


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## Dante10 (Sep 19, 2009)

I'd have no chance against Machida.


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## Yōkai (Sep 19, 2009)

I think i can take down Machida with the spiderman paper weight alone

yeah hes fast, but im not a slouch either, im proud of my training in boxing, and i can kick well too, i have a blue belt in taekwondo for a reason  

Lesnar is slow and dumb liek all the big guys, all i have to do  is to keep moving without letting him grab me, and i will eventually get a chance to stab him with the ice pick 

against both...um..that'd be hard. but if my Judo ex-sensei was able to fight 29 guys at once in a park, i think i can survive against these two, long enough to reach the door and flee


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## Hagen (Sep 19, 2009)

Yōkai said:


> I think i can take down Machida with the spiderman paper weight alone
> 
> yeah hes fast, but im not a slouch either, im proud of my training in boxing, and i can kick well too, i have a blue belt in taekwondo for a reason
> 
> Lesnar is slow and dumb liek all the big guys, all i have to do  is to keep moving without letting him grab me, and i will eventually get a chance to stab him with the ice pick


you're not being serious


> against both...um..that'd be hard. but if my Judo ex-sensei *was able to fight 29 guys at once in a park*, i think i can survive against these two, long enough to reach the door and flee


 bs


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## Havoc (Sep 20, 2009)

Locard said:


> you need your hands to set up the triangle, and for some reason i dont see both moves working together anyway


I'm not sure why it matters what I need while setting it up, once I have him in the choke I don't need my arms.


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## Hagen (Sep 20, 2009)

Havoc said:


> I'm not sure why it matters what I need while setting it up, once I have him in the choke I don't need my arms.


but if you start with the guillotine choke, you wont be able to set up the triangle, because your hands will be already busy



Havoc said:


> I'd triangle choke Lesnar while I guillotine Machida.



^ "while i guillotine Machida"

given that Machida is way faster than Lesnar, common sense indicates that he'll get to you before Lesnar does.

So you'll need to use the guillotine choke first, therefore making  impossible for you to execute the triangle on Lesnar


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## Yōkai (Sep 20, 2009)

Locard said:


> you're not being serious


tbh i wasnt 



> bs


hey, dats what my sensei said. he said he made it to the paper news.  
paper.news. who am i to doubt his words?


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## Hagen (Sep 24, 2009)

Yōkai said:


> tbh i wasnt
> 
> 
> hey, dats what my sensei said. he said he made it to the paper news.
> paper.news. who am i to doubt his words?


i knew you were 

hes lying


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## Roy (Sep 24, 2009)

Those bitches cant catch me, I'm too fast


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## Doc. Q (Sep 24, 2009)

I kill them both with the ice pick.

seriously, a sharp weapon is an unfair advantage, world class kickboxers have had their guts spilled out on the streets by thugs with small switchblades. Every martial arts class ive been in has warned me to run away when somebody has a knife.

Especially when those people are trained in hand to hand combat straight, these guys don't spend hours working to disarm people with knives. well, the dragon might, but brock doesn't.

They come in, I hide in a closet, stab lyoto in the back and when brock punches I stab it into his arm, then his face.


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