# How do you maintain good relationships with people with conflicting values/beliefs/personalities?



## selfconcile (Jul 31, 2021)

How do you prevent the most conflicting parts from ruining your relationship? Is there something specific you do to keep things smooth, and what happens when you do inevitably come into conflict? This is assuming you really do want to keep a good relationship with them (e.g. friends, partners, coworkers).

As an example, I'm relatively introverted and I personally tend to have difficulty with people who are very, very forward... I don't think being assertive is a bad trait in itself, I just sometimes find myself thinking that someone was being unnecessarily brash or cocky. I think we tend to respect each other the most when we try to meet each other halfway (though so far it hasn't worked for long periods of time, aside from one person).


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## Swarmy (Jul 31, 2021)

Adapt.

How? Up to you to find how much you can fit into other people's personalities, or rather if you need to. When you adapt to each person you end losing who you are or what you want to show to them, it's a sweet little trap you need to avoid as much as unintentionally dominating them with your own ideals, beliefs or personality.

My advice if you feel like whatever you're talking about is either boring or God forbid outright offending the person in front of you don't just change topic immediately but find a way to morph into another you think is more suitable.

As for actual love interests? I dunno man when feelings and absolute trust get involved you're gonna fuck up sometimes but as long as the other person knows you're being true and not manipulating them or their feelings it's gonna work.

Oh and on the subject of manipulation there's two kinds, with one being a lot more insidious than the other, you can manipulate people or you can manipulate yourself into fitting, both are dangerous and if I may add an absolute gamble with your own pysche and view on the world but sometimes you will end up relying on one or the other. I much rather mold myself into a more fitting position or personality than downright manipulate people not only because it's morally questionable (because it is) but also because the moment you start fucking with people's lives and trust me emotions, ideals, views etc ARE people's lives you'll end up causing a catastrophic fuck up that's gonna remain in effect for a loooong time. People are not machines, they are not toys, they are not even animals you can probe and play with, the human psyche and emotions are more complex than any psychiatrist will ever admit (good luck to them btw) and messing with things you will never truly understand let alone master is never a good idea.

So like just listen, be a good friend/lover and actually try to care for the people around you even if you're a closed off or cold person. I'm an introvert myself but I can't imagine a world where I can't experience human interactions or even human drama as long as it's not some form of manipulation by the other person. Solving problems and being compassionate is what these big energy costing powerhouses of mass we call brains are for.

Reactions: Like 1


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## trance (Jul 31, 2021)

agree to disagree like respectable and mature adults

Reactions: Agree 1 | Winner 2


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## Jim (Jul 31, 2021)

treat disagreeable topics as no go zones. The best way to shut down an argument is to agree with them even if you don't actually think they're right. As for being introverted, I'd say just realize that you're more normal than you think and that whether you agonize over something or socialize recklessly, the result isn't going to be too terribly different. We can all predict how our actions will affect our own futures to a pretty accurate degree. We just tend to not want to see the unchangeable futures.

Reactions: Agree 2 | Winner 1


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## Nep Nep (Aug 1, 2021)

I'm introverted and can get along with just about everyone. Mind you I also have a strong will. 

I don't mind disagreeing as long as it's not like on some moral principle.

Introverts can be good at socialization too with practice... we just get tired of doing it after a while and need everybody to fuck off for a little bit. 

On minor things a disagreement isn't that big a deal. People have opinions, they likely won't change them, just don't take it personally. Drop it when it's clear a wall is hit and just move on to the next topic of discussion.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Yamato (Aug 1, 2021)

I just avoid the topic we don't agree on.


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## selfconcile (Aug 1, 2021)

Jim said:


> As for being introverted, I'd say just realize that you're more normal than you think and that whether you agonize over something or socialize recklessly, the result isn't going to be too terribly different. We can all predict how our actions will affect our own futures to a pretty accurate degree. We just tend to not want to see the unchangeable futures.


I agree overall but I was thinking more about how certain personalities tend to clash more than others in certain interactions. Aren't there certain types that rub you the wrong way more frequently than others?

As an example, personally I tend to shut down when a conflict intensifies, but my SO tends to try to push more angrily/aggressively instead... and our behaviors just provoke more of the same from each other (i.e. withdrawal leads to anger leads to withdrawal leads to anger).

Once it intensifies past a certain point it obliterates my desire to keep trying. Over the years we've figured it out and adapted (but this is the only person who's shown some willingness to meet halfway). 



Nep Nep said:


> On minor things a disagreement isn't that big a deal. People have opinions, they likely won't change them, just don't take it personally. Drop it when it's clear a wall is hit and just move on to the next topic of discussion.


What about major disagreements?


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## Voyeur (Aug 1, 2021)

My friends have differing views than I do, considering we all here up in the same area and stuff; but we generally don't touch the big three.

Politics
Religion 
Pineapple on Pizza

Because they are weirdly conservative on shit and I'm liberal. Except for pineapple, anybody that does that needs get sent to a gulag.

Reactions: Like 1


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## ratcrux (Aug 1, 2021)

Just be an adult and have a respectful discussion. Conflict happens but the important part is the way you handle it and act during said conflict.


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## Sunrider (Aug 1, 2021)

With differing personalities and beliefs, I feel it's easy to work around: I'm an atheist, am not necessarily at odds with theists even if I think they're a bit loony. The fact that they believe in a higher power doesn't necessarily conflict with me materially. 

Differing personalities depends, an introvert will inevitably be worn out by an extrovert... but the introvert can just limit their contact with them. A hugger and someone that don't like to be touched aren't gonna have a good time, but a hearty fist-bump might be something they can both manage. 

I've come to the conclusion that opposition in values is the only one that can't really be bridged, though. If someone views you (or some aspect of your nature) as second class, that's inevitably going to affect you materially, whether it's in the long term or in subtle ways. 

But it also depends on the depth of relationship--I could probably work with an ancap for years and never notice (before they inevitably bring it up), but anything deeper probably ain't gonna last.


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## sworder (Aug 1, 2021)

some beliefs are dealbreakers and others are not, you don't have to get along with everyone

some people find religion taboo but I don't care what someone else believes in and if they wanna talk about it that's fine. however if someone is alt right, racist, sexist, or homophobic then they just can't be my friend

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## Sunrider (Aug 1, 2021)

sworder said:


> some beliefs are dealbreakers and others are not, you don't have to get along with everyone


This right here. The stakes in the opposition are really what matters. 

Like, someone can think pepperoni and pineapple shouldn't be on pizza and I can still get along with them (they're wrong though it's a great combo), my best friend legitimately thinks the Hulk is more powerful than Superman and despite being off her fuckin' meds, I still love her dearly and we get on great.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## trance (Aug 1, 2021)

Jim said:


> The best way to shut down an argument is to agree with them even if you don't actually think they're right.


huh

if you don't think they're right, don't agree with them just to cease the convo 

just outright be "hey i don't agree with you even a little bit but we're adults here, so let's cut the topic of discussion since finding some kind of common ground here is an unlikelihood maybe even an impossibility and that's perfectly fine"


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## jesusus (Aug 4, 2021)

Life is too important to be squabblibg over some disagreements. We are all we got. These minor opinions dont affect anything in the long run, opinions are for the ego, friendships should transcend that. If youd friend cares about you thats all that matters.


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## pfft (Aug 4, 2021)

You have to ask yourself ; Whats more important to you , your values , your beliefs , your personality or maintaining a relationship with someone who has conflicting values, beliefs and personality ?

and it has to be on every conflicting issue that you deem important enough to question.

Some things will obviously not make the list

but the things that do make the list

those are the things that make or break your core values , belief , your personality if you betray them for the sole concept of maintaining a relationship with someone who has conflicting ones 



if for example ; a woman had a guy she met who was really into having children and she was definitely not wanting to have kids..
would it be worth while to pursue the relationship if one of them compromises their core value of having a kid or not having a kid?

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## Solsikke (Aug 4, 2021)

I respect their opinions and beliefs, and I never question their motives.


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## Sequester (Aug 4, 2021)

not everyone should be let in your circle

two people of strong conviction but opposing views are bound to come to conflict if they associate intimately

if you can sit around and stomach someone you are close to just pontificating about everything you are viscerally against, and you have nothing to say in response, then your core values aren't as important to you as you think they are

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## Catamount (Aug 4, 2021)

I actually do not keep that relationship.

If there are fundamental differences in what I want to be in the world and what the other person wants, what relationship are we even talking about. You cannot have a friend that believes in racial supremacy while you are a world citizen yourself. They are either not a friend and you are faking, or you actually believe in inequality yourself and faking.

If it is something mild... then the personalities do not really clash. For example, I know someone who is very religious and anthropocentric while I am wavering between agnostic and atheistic, and (obviously) do not approve of the "animals do not have souls and have been created for humans to use them" idea.  However, she does not push it on me and she is not cruel per se at all, but what I value the most is that she does not judge and she is not ashamed of me being out of the expected image. I expect good deeds of her, she is going to be a good doggo mama to a doggo she wants. And she values my reliability and support. In fact, our life stories appeared to have a very huge and very painful similarity in them, and when we were talking about it, there was no need to cry or say "I understand because...". We do not have major differences in wanted to do good, to love our families, to be ready to help each other, not being ashamed to introduce each other to our parents despite major differences in religious believes (or rather lack of those on my end). 
It is not the same when people stubbornly call each other friends but one of them is doing social work and the other actively looks for ways to cut the payment of the lowest level workers in his factory creating more social work for the first one. This is not friendship. This is some sick hazardous clinging to I am not even completely sure what.


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## Jim (Aug 4, 2021)

would you clash wish a normal personality?


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## savior2005 (Aug 4, 2021)

I use to try to maintain them better, but i don't care as much these days and am willing to end good relationships. Especially when my values/beliefs are constantly mocked. I also don't really hang out with those who have completely different values/beliefs/personality from me.


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## pfft (Aug 4, 2021)

Catamount said:


> I actually do not keep that relationship.
> 
> If there are fundamental differences in what I want to be in the world and what the other person wants, what relationship are we even talking about. You cannot have a friend that believes in racial supremacy while you are a world citizen yourself. They are either not a friend and you are faking, or you actually believe in inequality yourself and faking.


This is how I approach people. If someone has strong leanings that directly impact my life and my lands or a group of people I cannot see myself being friends with them period.  I see this happening all the time on nf where supposedly the person has values and yet become and value friendships with people in direct violation of their supposed core values.  


Catamount said:


> It is not the same when people stubbornly call each other friends but one of them is doing social work and the other actively looks for ways to cut the payment of the lowest level workers in his factory creating more social work for the first one. This is not friendship. This is some sick hazardous clinging to I am not even completely sure what.


I don’t see how a justification works for this scenario where someone will overlook this and be willing to be considered friends.


 you do see really bad relationships all the time where people tolerate someone. And or overlook their opposing views and beliefs for whatever pathetic reasons. 

ive seen plenty of women in my lifetime be in relationships pretending they are not aware of their boyfriends/husbands racist , transphobic, homophobic pro life … you take your pick of all these opposing issues and then claim they themselves are not racist or worse they are women of color or have gay family members and yet justify being w this person who is harmful.


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## Catamount (Aug 5, 2021)

pfft said:


> ive seen plenty of women in my lifetime be in relationships pretending they are not aware of their boyfriends/husbands racist , transphobic, homophobic pro life … you take your pick of all these opposing issues and then claim they themselves are not racist or worse they are women of color or have gay family members and yet justify being w this person who is harmful.


Specifically, this is actually explained by a gold digger or victim mentalities still actively forced unto women since early childhood. This is one of the cases when I can understand where this relationship comes from. Such women often do not actually have their own political or cultural beliefs if they are actual victims. Gold digger is kind of different, but it is also often a broken scheme worked out by their parents.
You need a man that will pay for you. You do not need as smart, as hard-working, as witty, as loyal, as healthy man as you are. Only rich. Thus there is no reason for you to be smart, hard-working, witty, loyal, and healthy. Just be what a rich man who will pay for you wants. Because you are a girl and this is how girls are in this world.
It sounds retarded and escapable if you were not raised like that, but for those who were... it is kind of universal truth. Parents are the first manifestation of physical power and threat (not in a meaning of beating but in a meaning of a first figure of a general notion of authority) in a life of a child. It is difficult to escape into the world of sanity when at home you only hear that you cannot have ambitions, dreams, talents, opinions, and not because you are bad, but because you are so good you don't need to do anything, men will pay for all your needs.
The other side of this coin is when a little girl treated as worthless bloodsucker only causing troubles to her dear hard-working parents. You cannot expect this woman to know the difference between a bad relationship and a good one later on if the first one she meets is bad. To actually allow herself to have a right for an opinion and "No!" she has to be lucky to have her first relationship with a good man.

Not arguing, just exchanging.


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## pfft (Aug 5, 2021)

Catamount said:


> Specifically, this is actually explained by a gold digger or victim mentalities still actively forced unto women since early childhood. This is one of the cases when I can understand where this relationship comes from. Such women often do not actually have their own political or cultural beliefs if they are actual victims. Gold digger is kind of different, but it is also often a broken scheme worked out by their parents.
> You need a man that will pay for you. You do not need as smart, as hard-working, as witty, as loyal, as healthy man as you are. Only rich. Thus there is no reason for you to be smart, hard-working, witty, loyal, and healthy. Just be what a rich man who will pay for you wants. Because you are a girl and this is how girls are in this world.
> It sounds retarded and escapable if you were not raised like that, but for those who were... it is kind of universal truth. Parents are the first manifestation of physical power and threat (not in a meaning of beating but in a meaning of a first figure of a general notion of authority) in a life of a child. It is difficult to escape into the world of sanity when at home you only hear that you cannot have ambitions, dreams, talents, opinions, and not because you are bad, but because you are so good you don't need to do anything, men will pay for all your needs.
> The other side of this coin is when a little girl treated as worthless bloodsucker only causing troubles to her dear hard-working parents. You cannot expect this woman to know the difference between a bad relationship and a good one later on if the first one she meets is bad. To actually allow herself to have a right for an opinion and "No!" she has to be lucky to have her first relationship with a good man.
> ...


I’m not talking about the third world country women who are child brides or ones raised in cults .. I mean the adult women who have autonomy making really weak  shitty choices

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## Catamount (Aug 5, 2021)

pfft said:


> I’m not talking about the third world country women who are child brides or ones raised in cults .. I mean the adult women who have autonomy making really weak shitty choices


Why third-world?
Among just being hypocritical or being short-sighted there is also being not aware it could be any better. And this is not a third-world country situation where survival is an objective.

I am underlining the difference between exactly friendship and so-called "romantic" relationship. Women being together with men who should never be together with anyone at all is still a reality in civilized developed societies as well. It is not a majority (I hope to say so is correct), but it is a direct result of how they were raised and how their parents were raized. And it is more intensive in countries that had a male generation die at war making men a lot more valuable just because they are men for some period of time.
Even on this forum you can gather up stories of either abused as children guys or demotivated for any aspirations in childhood girls. Like, it is not my case to be one of them, but I cannot deny there might be more to being with someone who, for example, is debating for the social genocide, than just being dumb bitch.  Minus cases when women have something crack in them and start sharing such views at some point. Or when they lack the actual ability to see behind him being just slightly annoyed with stinky homeless on the street (as in this is actual social genocide - agreeing to certain groups of people always being at the bottom of any wealth shared and thus being okay to just get removed from sight by any means).

For example, manipulation is something that goes heavily against my beliefs. I prefer different ways of influencing and achieving goals. I would not have such friends. And more easy-going and gullible people would too eventually see that they are being used and leave such person. When it comes to romance or actual wife-husband relationship, it does not take a mid-war developing country for this. In capitals in modern societies, women get manipulated in losing themselves and then out of the windows. It is not a rule for why we often see a woman being with someone who has scary political or social ideas, but it is one of the reasons. I do feel disgusted by both equally when he informs everyone that Hitler had some very good ideas about wealthy society and she just rolls her eyes and says "oh you are so silly, baby". Like dayum bitch was the history full of blood and losses to gain rights and even privileges so that you stupid vagina shit on them with your ignorance.


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## Mirror Mirror (Aug 5, 2021)

You don't.

Reactions: Informative 1


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## Grinningfox (Aug 5, 2021)

Respect carries the load but there needs to be some overlap when it comes to morals otherwise it’ll be impossible


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## pfft (Aug 5, 2021)

Catamount said:


> Why third-world?
> Among just being hypocritical or being short-sighted there is also being not aware it could be any better. And this is not a third-world country situation where survival is an objective.


There are plenty of really awful
Horrible situations where women are forced into marriage in third world countries.. and based on your perspectives your willing to justify the choices of women being ones beyond their scope
Of
Choice
Understanding 
Awareness 
Etc
Unless there are a majority of women living in some Joseph Fritzl dungeon here where I live in America .. women often grow up and are capable of making choices



Catamount said:


> I am underlining the difference between exactly friendship and so-called "romantic" relationship. Women being together with men who should never be together with anyone at all is still a reality in civilized developed societies as well. It is not a majority (I hope to say so is correct), but it is a direct result of how they were raised and how their parents were raized. And it is more intensive in countries that had a male generation die at war making men a lot more valuable just because they are men for some period of time.


As for valuing men above women… no one is going to deny that the patriarchy is an issue
.


Catamount said:


> Even on this forum you can gather up stories of either abused as children guys or demotivated for any aspirations in childhood girls. Like, it is not my case to be one of them, but I cannot deny there might be more to being with someone who, for example, is debating for the social genocide, than just being dumb bitch.  Minus cases when women have something crack in them and start sharing such views at some point. Or when they lack the actual ability to see behind him being just slightly annoyed with stinky homeless on the street (as in this is actual social genocide - agreeing to certain groups of people always being at the bottom of any wealth shared and thus being okay to just get removed from sight by any means).


There are plenty of people who have shitty childhoods capable of having their own values and morals and view points and they are capable of making choices. 
I can’t say a woman who uses what she needs to survive sometimes made that choice but it is up to her to crawl her way out of that bad choice but I understand in cases yeah it’s difficult

I get reminded of my moms friend who basically used and been with shitty after shitty human in order to have a place to live for her and her kids 

she did it as a survival tool and because they provided something she needed income a house and she had to deal w their shit.


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## aiyanah (Aug 5, 2021)

You be adults...


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## pfft (Aug 5, 2021)

aiyanah said:


> You be adults...


When you see people literally get into arguments and act bitch made you lose your belief that adults can behave in the way you would assume their years and experience provide


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## Jim (Aug 5, 2021)

Catamount said:


> It is not a rule for why we often see a woman being with someone who has scary political or social ideas, but it is one of the reasons.


reminds me of the woman who devoted her whole life to be against the equal rights amendment


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## pfft (Aug 5, 2021)

Jim said:


> reminds me of the woman who devoted her whole life to be against the equal rights amendment


Did you marry her jimmy ?

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## Jim (Aug 5, 2021)

pfft said:


> Did you marry her jimmy ?


she's dead now


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## pfft (Aug 5, 2021)

Jim said:


> she's dead now


 they don’t make em like her anymore


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## Mihawk (Aug 11, 2021)

It really depends on the foundation of your relationship with that person and how your bond was based on in the first place. 

I have a childhood friend I've known for 15 years now, and we couldn't be more different in personality, tastes, values, and even personal beliefs. But he knows I've always got his back and will be the first one there if he needs help, and vice versa. 

Of course, outside of a long established bond and if you're dealing with friends and family members...well, it depends on their personalities and your own. Are you the type to bend over or be willing to compromise for the sake of maintaining some level of rapport or positivity? I usually try to take the high road and give them a couple chances. 

At a certain point though, you just have to realise that if ya'll fundamental values and beliefs are too different, there's really no point in putting effort in getting along. You're doing yourself no favours, and it's just best for people whom are incompatible to go their separate ways. Just maintain a mutual respect as your fellow man, and walk.

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## savior2005 (Aug 11, 2021)

Mihawk said:


> It really depends on the foundation of your relationship with that person and how your bond was based on in the first place.
> 
> *I have a childhood friend I've known for 15 years now, and we couldn't be more different in personality, tastes, values, and even personal beliefs. But he knows I've always got his back and will be the first one there if he needs help, and vice versa.*
> 
> ...


It's funny, I have a similar friend and we just pretty much drifted apart and went our separate ways. We use to hang out almost daily, but this year I've only met with him twice and tbh I did not enjoy the time spent hanging out with him. Both of us changed, in good and bad ways. A lot of it is like you said, fundamental value differences as well as differences in personalities/taste/values, and personal beliefs.  

Before we would say how we would never drift apart and how we would take a bullet for each other. That's likely not the case now lol.

I think about this old friendship a lot because I considered this individual my best friend. idk if I will ever be able to have such a true friendship like that again, but I would like to hope it can happen.

Reactions: Agree 1


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## Mihawk (Aug 11, 2021)

savior2005 said:


> It's funny, I have a similar friend and we just pretty much drifted apart and went our separate ways. We use to hang out almost daily, but this year I've only met with him twice and tbh I did not enjoy the time spent hanging out with him. Both of us changed, in good and bad ways. A lot of it is like you said, fundamental value differences as well as differences in personalities/taste/values, and personal beliefs.
> 
> Before we would say how we would never drift apart and how we would take a bullet for each other. That's likely not the case now lol.
> 
> I think about this old friendship a lot because I considered this individual my best friend. idk if I will ever be able to have such a true friendship like that again, but I would like to hope it can happen.


Yeah same with mine. He went to Norway and lived a life leaving behind everything else including his family. We still keep in touch and and give our best wishes but it’s not the same.

Yeah sometimes when you finally reunite after a long time, it puts things in perspective. The differences between yall are more pronounced, and it shows more, making it less enjoyable. This is especially true if the other guy is a bit stubborn and convinced the way they see things is the only way. That’s usually a red flag for any relationship.

I’m sure you will. Trust me, it’s not a once in a lifetime thing. It just takes a bit of time and familiarity. Sometimes you’ll just click with another person and the bond becomes quickly established. With time it only grows stronger. Most of us don’t get to choose our friendships in our early stages of life, so it’s very fulfilling when you arrive at a stage of life where you do get to pick.

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## Worm Juice (Aug 13, 2021)

pfft said:


> they don’t make em like her anymore


Greta Thunberg


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## pfft (Aug 13, 2021)

Worm Juice said:


> Greta Thunberg


She chose a neutral stance on Israel Palestine and that’s basically endorsing ongoing genocide 

you can’t hashtag #SaveSheikJarrah 

then back track your words and say I’m not against Israel or Palestine

Reactions: Funny 1 | Winner 1


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## Louis-954 (Aug 13, 2021)

I don't particularly care about what my friends believe as long as they aren't hurting me.


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## Amol (Aug 15, 2021)

Depends upon on what topic you have a disagreement.

If it is small stuff like having opposite views on person's favourite sports team then sure I can have a good relationship with that person.

But  I am not gonna even try to be friends with an incel or QAnon moron. They can die for all I care. Some ideologies are just too cancerous to be friends of their followers.

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## Canute87 (Aug 15, 2021)

aiyanah said:


> You be adults...


Okay Cool, So who have been fighting all these  wars over the centuries?

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## aiyanah (Aug 15, 2021)

Canute87 said:


> Okay Cool, So who have been fighting all these  wars over the centuries?


nah that's very different, very very different.
and we're benefiting from most of those wars in real time right now, very important not to omit that part.


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## Rukia (Aug 15, 2021)

Certain subjects/topics are off limits.


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## Alita (Aug 15, 2021)

I generally just avoid the topic of conflict entirely.  Me and a member of my family have very different political views so whenever we meet up we just know ahead of time not to talk about politics period.


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## ЯƎWO⅃ᖷ (Aug 15, 2021)

i have two outlooks on things like this. the first is, i stand by my personal values and where conflict results in issues around core beliefs, my instinct is to cut people off. however, as i've gotten older i have realized if you cut people off every time their opinions on subjects don't compliment yours, you'll end up losing many people you love. 

 currently, i feel that i can allow people space to change their opinions over time, so long as i don't sit by silently when they say things i disagree with. this only works when their behavior isn't forcing me to compromise on my personal integrity.


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