# How do you forgive/forget?



## Asriel (Jan 4, 2017)

Letting go of your past can be excruciatingly difficult for some, especially when you've built yourself up and defined yourself through these things.

There are a ton of coping mechanisms at our fingertips, but what works for you? Do you feel confronting it head on through catharsis or regimented grief works? Or how about letting it sit on the back burner until it's all but forgotten?

How do you keep it from cropping back up as a lingering issue?

Post here and tell us what you've learned to do and how well it works for you.


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## FLORIDA MAN (Jan 4, 2017)

Time.


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## Asriel (Jan 4, 2017)

wat said:


> Time.


Is there anything you can elaborate on?

Do you just sort of wing it and hope for the best/prepare for the worst? Do you have any advice as to how best to occupy one's time so as to not relapse?


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## FLORIDA MAN (Jan 4, 2017)

I try to subvert the memories of the transgressions a lot, I find its best not to think of slights against me or else I always reignite my indignation and I'm never allowed to move on. 

The common way for people to suppress this, of course, is through drugs and alcohol.

Reactions: Like 1


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## Asriel (Jan 4, 2017)

That's too true.

Mind-altering substances probably help the most in keeping our thoughts distracted since it's chemically enforced. I know I've had my fair share of drinking, medication, and mixing of both...

But I've also ended up doing some very simple or mundane things to cope too. Like binging games or tv, talking excessively with friends for a good laugh -hell, even sleeping when I can manage not to dream about that kind of stuff.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you do?


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## FLORIDA MAN (Jan 4, 2017)

I project myself onto the Internet and my video games mostly. 

And becoming mostly stoic

Reactions: Like 1


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## Freechoice (Jan 4, 2017)

I don't know anymore

How I process let alone deal with psychalgia has changed since I was involved in a traumatic event a few  years ago. Shit fucked me up

best way I have found to describe my theory on it is an iceberg analogy I drew a while ago to explain it to my ex



was going to add more but im on 5mg lorazapam right now so it's both hard to remember shit and articulate myself properly

so I theorise that my trauma I suffered caused me to unconsciously raise my threshold to borderline psychopathic levels as a coping mechanism


it's probably incoherent


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## Freechoice (Jan 4, 2017)

just realised it doesn't even answer your title question either

Reactions: Winner 1


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## John Wick (Jan 4, 2017)

I don't it's fucking hard, I hold grudges and let me hate for someone grow and fester as seen with a couple of members on thsi forum.


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## ~M~ (Jan 4, 2017)

Drugs and alcohol my friend

Reactions: Funny 1 | Informative 1


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## baconbits (Jan 4, 2017)

Holding grudges isn't healthy and the way I get past it is to think how much effort I'm spending holding the grudge.  When you let that grudge go you feel such a sense of relief its like taking a weight off of your shoulders.

Step one: take a step back.  So first you need a sense of perspective.  Sometimes the issue isn't as big as we make it out to be at the time.  Now if that step doesn't work because what was done was truly heinous or maybe we embarrassed ourselves with our own reaction we need to move to step two.

Step two is assigning the blame properly.  You know the story.  Boss makes you mad so you kick your dog.  What did the dog do?  He was in the way.  And that's how you go from taking a grudge to being self destructive.  There's nothing wrong with assigning guilt.  Just make sure you assign guilt like a sniper, not like a hand grenade.  Constrict your anger to the target and avoid assigning it to others.  Remind yourself repeatedly "these people didn't do anything to me; they might not even know I was harmed and its not their fault for not knowing".

Step three is to assign the reaction properly.  Ask yourself "is there anything I can do to address how I was wronged?"  Too often people skip this step.  Skipping this step is like assigning yourself to perpetual victimhood and if you've been a victim you realize its a powerless state to be in.  So don't volunteer to stay a victim.  Let's talk about what you can do.  Sometimes you actually need to address the one who wronged you.  Might seem direct but this is normally a positive step even if it does produce conflict.  Not all conflict is bad.

Step four is when you realize maybe you can't do anything to address the wrong.  I know there are situations I've dealt with where the person wrong was wronged over a period of time, say like a son with an abusive father.  Now dad dies.  What do you do with all that negative feeling?  You can't address him.  You can't really correct the situation.  You can't tell him off.  Often for these people the funeral pisses them off the most because they hear all these people laud a person that victimized them.

Well in that case step four is to find an outlet for your anger.  wat mentioned video games.  I love playing my music as well as playing video games.  Some people like being alone.  Others want company.  You gotta figure out your coping mechanism and learn how that puts you in a more solid psychological state.  Now avoid things that make you feel even worse for no reason.  Just find something that allows you to use that anger to some semi-productive means.

Step five is the meme: let it go.  You can't be mad forever.  It hurts you more than them.  After you've done all these things you have to let the issue go because life does have to go on.  Sometimes you need to let it go by giving that issue to others, by talking to them, finding a counselor, finding someone who listens and cares or letting time take the issue away from the prominent place in your mind.

Reactions: Like 1


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## baconbits (Jan 4, 2017)

~M~ said:


> Drugs and alcohol my friend



No, that only masks the pain.  At some point you'll still have the issue and you might have added addiction on top of it.  If you need to talk to a brother just let me know.  I'd rather you talk my ear off than go to the bottle.


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## ~M~ (Jan 4, 2017)

Yeah my post was 100% sarcastic


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## baconbits (Jan 4, 2017)

~M~ said:


> Yeah my post was 100% sarcastic



When you post about drugs and alcohol I never truly know, lol.


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## Aphrodite (Jan 4, 2017)

Forgiving is easy and you can accomplish that over time. Forgetting is another story though. I don't think you ever really totally forget. You can block it out of your mind but it will always resurface.

I am a pretty forgiving person and it is in my nature though i do find it hard to forgive on somethings, but with those i try to be the better person. It may take time but i eventually do it.

Forgetting i just usually block it from my mind and think of other things. I try to think of things that make me happy or someone who makes me happy. I think of funny convos i had with others and that tends to make me smile and forget. However you always know you never truly forget when something happens and it triggers it then you know it's been there all along.


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## Swarmy (Jan 4, 2017)

Truth is you never forget when someone really hurts you, you just burry it up inside

Reactions: Agree 1


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## John Wick (Jan 5, 2017)

Aphrodite said:


> Forgiving is easy and you can accomplish that over time. Forgetting is another story though. I don't think you ever really totally forget. You can block it out of your mind but it will always resurface.
> 
> I am a pretty forgiving person and it is in my nature though i do find it hard to forgive on somethings, but with those i try to be the better person. It may take time but i eventually do it.
> 
> Forgetting i just usually block it from my mind and think of other things. I try to think of things that make me happy or someone who makes me happy. I think of funny convos i had with others and that tends to make me smile and forget. However you always know you never truly forget when something happens and it triggers it then you know it's been there all along.


so then why forgive anything then lol.


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## baconbits (Jan 5, 2017)

I don't know that you should forget.  Some claim this idea of "forgive and forget" comes from the bible but even there it doesn't mean forget as much as it means "not held liable for".  And I think that's the healthiest way to look at it.  You're not aiming to forget.  If someone has wronged you and they are trying to make amends you need to not hold it over their head forever.

But I kind of have the controversial opinion that sometimes it isn't wise to forgive people if they have no intention of changing their ways or acknowledging their wrong.  For example some has attacked a family member.  That shouldn't be forgiven unless the attacker makes amends and admits his wrong.  And his act shouldn't be forgotten.  That kind of thing should be remembered so that you can protect yourself in the future.

To me forgiveness has to be coupled with a repentant attitude.  Without that forgiveness because an excuse to be repeatedly abused.


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## John Wick (Jan 5, 2017)

baconbits said:


> I don't know that you should forget.  Some claim this idea of "forgive and forget" comes from the bible but even there it doesn't mean forget as much as it means "not held liable for".  And I think that's the healthiest way to look at it.  You're not aiming to forget.  If someone has wronged you and they are trying to make amends you need to not hold it over their head forever.
> 
> But I kind of have the controversial opinion that sometimes it isn't wise to forgive people if they have no intention of changing their ways or acknowledging their wrong.  For example some has attacked a family member.  That shouldn't be forgiven unless the attacker makes amends and admits his wrong.  And his act shouldn't be forgotten.  That kind of thing should be remembered so that you can protect yourself in the future.
> 
> To me forgiveness has to be coupled with a repentant attitude.  Without that forgiveness because an excuse to be repeatedly abused.


the bible also says I should have slaves so let's not take it too literally lol. 

My mum always used to say this quote from the Gita to me as a kid because I used to hold grudges which was along the lines of only the brave can forgive to which I'd reply. Only an idiot would forgive someone that wronged him once and give them the chance to do so again lol.


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## Eros (Jan 5, 2017)

It comes down to this. There are people who, for whatever reason, are no longer in my life. Forgiveness does not mean that I am necessarily going to try to repair those relationships. Sometimes, those bridges really are burned. Forgiveness is about moving being the anger and pain. It's like taking poison and expecting someone else to die. My adoptive father (not to be confused with my step dad who died a month ago) made some terrible decisions, and those decisions ripped the family apart. Those relationships really are destroyed. I made peace with this and moved on with my life. Others, from my understanding, have held onto their contempt, especially for my mom, because she stayed with him until his death in 2006. In the mind of his younger sister, that made her a traitor. To this day, she carries around that anger and lets it fester and even passed it onto her daughter, who left a rather nasty message to my mom on FB a couple years ago. When people are that full of spite, there's no reason to try and fix things. There's no reasoning with people when such hatred is in their hearts. But you can forgive them for being petty and self-absorbed and move on.


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## ЯƎWO⅃ᖷ (Jan 6, 2017)

I am quite forgiving of the people I love but when someone I don't know much about wrongs me there is no prior relationship to be thought of and the event can be dismissed. In all honesty though, I have been fortunate in that I get along too well with most people to have any serious issues. As for squabbles with friends and family- I'll sometimes say sorry for something I don't feel wrong about when I know I hurt them.


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## Virus (Jan 6, 2017)

You forgive but never forget and move on.


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## Saru (Jan 7, 2017)

I just... Do. Both are easy for me for whatever reason, and they always have been. Rarely do I ever "burn bridges" so to speak, and when I do, I'm always open to building new ones. I guess my advice would be to just not take things so seriously... ? The question isn't something I have a lot of experience with in my 21 years of living.

Whenever I have a problem with someone, I confront them about it immediately and directly. IME, that's the only way to reach a resolution: transparency. I will say, though, that forgiveness is two or more person process. It requires an apology on someone's behalf. If someone ever wronged me and didn't satisfy my expectations with an apology, I'd just cut them out of my life and move on (I've never had to do that though).

It's your life, after all. Who you let in is up to you.

All those words of wisdom and I still didn't answer the question. 

I tried. Sincerely.


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## FLORIDA MAN (Jan 7, 2017)

i disagree fervently with an apology from the offender being _required _but i myself am not so magnanimous 

for example a lot of people forgive people who died

but that sorta leads into a different discussion 

psychologists actually hotly debate what forgiveness means

some say not only do u have to let go of negative feelings like resentment and vengefulness, but you have to actually wish the person well which would be by far the most difficult qualifier because it could either be

1. impossible to do (see: ded ppl)
2. require an absurdly transcendent amount of grace

it's one thing to 'forgive' the drunk driver who broke down in tears at his manslaughter trial for running over and killing your child when you find out he's being released a decade later

but it's another thing completely to "wish them well" and hope they have only the best and happy things for the remainder of their natural lives

that would require an extraorbitant amount of mercy, compassion, and empathy that i frankly don't have

but you know, i believe there are people who do

and they're saints tbh


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## Canute87 (Jan 7, 2017)

It all depends on the situation.


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## Ashi (Jan 7, 2017)

What exactly is the point of holding on to a negative experience like it affects you now?

Unless it's something traumatic holding grudges seems pretty pointless to me


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## Stein (Jan 7, 2017)

Something that requires the effort to truly forgive is probably not something you'd forget easily. You probably learn something from an experience like that, better to carry around the lesson than the experience itself.

probably idk


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## Bender (Jan 7, 2017)

Canute87 said:


> It all depends on the situation.



This and time.

I'm always forgiving of anyone and everyone who's close to me. I don't like the idea of having grudges. Plus, it's considered to be really unhealthy to hold anger towards someone for a lengthy amount of time.


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## Bender (Jan 7, 2017)

@baconbits 

Like @VAK said, the bible is very subjective. It's the same reading material that had a story in which god tests a father's loyalty to him by ordering him to kill his son.


Though I agree with you on the point that its unhealthy to hold onto grudges. 

You'll mature as a person if you learn to be more forgiving. I mean just look at it from this angle: if you have kids some day they'll no doubt imitate your idea of coping with anger by grudge-holding. That brings a lot of negative attention to your reputation and lifestyle as a person. It's not ideal.


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## baconbits (Jan 9, 2017)

Bender said:


> @baconbits
> 
> Like @VAK said, the bible is very subjective. It's the same reading material that had a story in which god tests a father's loyalty to him by ordering him to kill his son.
> 
> ...



We'll just have to agree to disagree about the bible, because I don't feel this section would appreciate the discussion.  I think that grudges are something you have to do something with.  Either you let the matter go in your heart, meaning you say "I'm not attaching the weight of vengeance or hatred on this person" or you act aggressively "I personally have to stop or act against this person".  Either of the two could be healthy, depending on the situation, but simply holding onto a grudge and doing nothing with it is both harmful and impractical.


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## Frosch (Jan 11, 2017)

To me its a bit hard to "forget" in cases where I was deeply hurt, to me to forget I need to cut the person from my life entirely if it comes to that.

And to forgive, to me the healing begins by seeing how much of what I am hurting is actually on me. How much of it am I causing it to myself? It's usually things that are part of your ego, that would be there even if the other person had done nothing wrong to you, and then I try to see what I can do to make it better, so to me it starts by forgiving myself and being alright with myself most of all. As for the rest, it's the other person's problem, it's not within my control, all I can control is how much I let them be a part of my life and how much I share with them of what I am.


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## kire (Jan 11, 2017)

baconbits said:


> But I kind of have the controversial opinion that sometimes it isn't wise to forgive people if they have no intention of changing their ways or acknowledging their wrong.  For example some has attacked a family member.  That shouldn't be forgiven unless the attacker makes amends and admits his wrong.  And his act shouldn't be forgotten.  That kind of thing should be remembered so that you can protect yourself in the future.
> 
> To me forgiveness has to be coupled with a repentant attitude.  Without that forgiveness because an excuse to be repeatedly abused.


I don't forgive, nor forget.  I build a wall on the inside to protect myself.
I hold grudges..not on little stuff.  
I bottle stuff up until I explode, and even then, the anger still lives and breathes. I used to use distraction to cope, but over the past couple of years it doesn't work like it used to.  I just have to deal with it.  A lot of the time I am mean and bitter.  I hate a lot.


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## baconbits (Jan 11, 2017)

kire said:


> I don't forgive, nor forget.  I build a wall on the inside to protect myself.
> I hold grudges..not on little stuff.
> I bottle stuff up until I explode, and even then, the anger still lives and breathes. I used to use distraction to cope, but over the past couple of years it doesn't work like it used to.  I just have to deal with it.  A lot of the time I am mean and bitter.  I hate a lot.



That's like eating poison day after day for years.  If people are truly wronging you there's nothing wrong with anger, but it needs to be put to productive means, otherwise anger becomes a fire that burns you and destroys you from the inside out.  You have to take that anger and address the causes of your anger.  If you don't you'll destroy yourself.

And I really mean this.  I'm not trying to be dramatic but I've seen folks like you and eventually they start to crack and something dramatic happens that surprises everyone else.  So take that anger and deal with it.  Answer these questions in this order:

What causes your anger?
Is your anger legitimate?  If so you must deal with it further.  If not you have to let the issue go in your mind.
Can you address the cause of your anger?  If so move forward.  If not, like say its someone who died that wronged you then you will have to let the issue go by talking to others about it and dealing with your bitterness by expressing your anger to people who care about you.
Address the cause of your anger.  Are they willing to listen to you?  If so continue to talk to them and go back through the first steps until your anger is dealt with.  If not go on.
Protect yourself from the cause of pain.  To do this you may need to talk to others.  Sometimes its as simple as removing people from your circle.  Other times you have to take more drastic steps.  But if you don't deal with your anger at all realize that it will eventually build up and become a problem.

Reactions: Like 1


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## kire (Jan 11, 2017)

baconbits said:


> That's like eating poison day after day for years.


Oh that's true!





> And I really mean this.  I'm not trying to be dramatic but I've seen folks like you and eventually they start to crack and something dramatic happens that surprises everyone else.  So take that anger and deal with it.


Eh I've been close to the edge many a time, but my mind doesn't allow me to cross any lines.  I'm too rational.





> Answer these questions in this order:
> 
> What causes your anger?


I know and so does the cause.




> Is your anger legitimate?  If so you must deal with it further.


yes and I do.



> Can you address the cause of your anger?  If so move forward.  If not, like say its someone who died that wronged you then you will have to let the issue go by talking to others about it and dealing with your bitterness by expressing your anger to people who care about you.


Yes and have but the cause is recurring. I have talked to others and there is nothing they can say, no advice to give.  I am on my own.



> Address the cause of your anger.  Are they willing to listen to you?  If so continue to talk to them and go back through the first steps until your anger is dealt with.  If not go on.
> Protect yourself from the cause of pain.  To do this you may need to talk to others.  Sometimes its as simple as removing people from your circle.  Other times you have to take more drastic steps.  But if you don't deal with your anger at all realize that it will eventually build up and become a problem.


Yes and they do but no good comes from it.  I've already analyzed possible solutions and probable outcomes, and none are simple or work out for the best...aside from one, and it is very unlikely.

So the fight will go on and the battle to lower my extremely high blood pressure will continue.


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## ~M~ (Jan 11, 2017)

I think the first step towards this and being maybe an adult in general is that holding negative feelings will accomplish nothing while proactive action like forgiveness and acceptance are the truly productive choice. Choosing to hold onto anger hurts no one but yourself.


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## rozzalina (Jan 11, 2017)

always struggled with both forgiving and forgetting, still do. sometimes i tell myself "yeah i've forgiven this person for something they've done" but months later the hurt/anger/etc. is still there, which probably comes under the forgetting part lmao. i blame years of parental abuse for that, kinda screws with your ability to both forgive or forget what's said/done to you.


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## Swift (Jan 12, 2017)

For me I've just become a nonchalant type of guy. When I usually have trouble letting go of something it's because of my pride. I find that the right thing to do really is to just process the event and let that shit roll off me however long that will take. I don't want a grudge or something to stick to me to the effect that I treat other people like shit over it. I don't wanna put that on anyone else in my future or present. Leave it behind me.

It gets real hard though since there are some things that permeate and not all wrongdoings can just disappear with a little time. I remind myself that every new situation isn't necessarily a repeat of the last one.


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## EJ (Jan 12, 2017)

You should never forget.

"Forgive". I'm not too sure about doing that right off the bat. You need to go through your emotional outburst and grievances before opening back up tp someone. I've had friends in which we have been through a lot, or I felt like they wronged me in the past and it always came out in some kind of form. It's because I never truly 'forgave' them, and it caused a lot of conflict.

Words of advice: Channel your anger and resentment towards something else like towards your self progression. I get pissed at some aspects of my family and it what it was like growing up and speaking with certain individuals I lash out at them and I don't even know why but it's because I still hold onto the past. It's incredibly hard to do.

This isn't to say you should kiss someone's ass or act like they didn't hurt you, because they did. Ehhh lol, this is starting ot sound too emotionally sensitive, so you get my point. 

You also need to accept the fact that it might take years for you to forgive this person. One week you might be perfectly ok with everything, but then something 'triggers' (lol) you out of no where and it brings up the old wounds and resentment. Don't let that be a pattern and don't give into your emotions too much. Understand they are not the same person (if they aren't) and don't continuously take it out on them. Yeah you might justify it in your head as "They deserve it for what they did to me x years back", but you're only holding yourself back and it's completely immoral and malicious.


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## aiyanah (Jan 12, 2017)

you cant, you can only accept it


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## baconbits (Jan 12, 2017)

kire said:


> Yes and they do but no good comes from it.  I've already analyzed possible solutions and probable outcomes, and none are simple or work out for the best...aside from one, and it is very unlikely.
> 
> So the fight will go on and the battle to lower my extremely high blood pressure will continue.



Well if you need someone to talk to about this reach out to me.


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## kire (Jan 12, 2017)

baconbits said:


> Well if you need someone to talk to about this reach out to me.


Thnaks bacon, you are a good egg.

...
Bacon..and eggs


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## Bender (Jan 12, 2017)

@baconbits

Here's a better equivalent of difficulty of embracing  forgiveness: slavery. The single most shameful act ever done by America that was slowly and uneasily looked over by African Americans as the ages went by. By all rights it shouldn't ever be gotten over. Ancestors of today's modern-day blacks were enslaved and brutally tormented by harsh whips and discrimination of their slavemasters. 

Rather than their being a race war after the abolishment of slavery following the civil war we had peace. Discrimination? Yes. But in no way was violence and bigotry answered in kind with the same by blacks. There were people like Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. that combatted the prejudices with smarts that allowed us to see equal relations of our races that allow us the modicum of civility  we see now in society.

IMO, that's the most impressive act of forgiveness in the history of people.


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## baconbits (Jan 12, 2017)

Bender said:


> @baconbits
> 
> Here's a better equivalent of difficulty of embracing  forgiveness: slavery. The single most shameful act ever done by America that was slowly and uneasily looked over by African Americans as the ages went by. By all rights it shouldn't ever be gotten over. Ancestors of today's modern-day blacks were enslaved and brutally tormented by harsh whips and discrimination of their slavemasters.
> 
> ...



Well there is a lot to be said of that, but then it could be also said we had little choice in the matter.  No matter how bitter we were we didn't have the ability to win a race war, nor the energy left to do so when we were just trying to survive.  I think that forgiveness definitely moves you forward.  

MLK taught that.  He taught us to love our white brothers and sisters.  Part of that love is to stand strong for what is right without using the tools of evil to accomplish our goals.  One of the disappointments of some of the newer civil rights groups is that they no longer believe in the power of forgiveness; they hold grudges and think that debts should still be paid. 

In the end grudges do drag on you and sap you of your energy.  Forgiveness sets you free of all that.


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